Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Aches and Pains


At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully

[thedrifter]

Flakey Murder


Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

[thedrifter]

Goodbye, mother!


Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if I've been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently.

"I'm sorry for your loss," the young man replied. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Well, as I'm leaving, could you just say 'Goodbye, mother!?' It would make me feel so much better." She gave him a sweet smile.

"Of course I can," the young man promised.

As she gathered her bags and left, he called out "Goodbye, mother!" just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile.

Stepping up to the counter, he saw that his total was about $100 higher than it should be. "That amount is wrong," he said. "I only have a few items!"

"Oh, your mother said that you would pay for her," explained the clerk.

[thedrifter]

"The duck and the corn"

One day this duck walks in to a bank. It walks up to the guy at the counter and asks, "Do you have any corn here?" The guy at the counter answers "No, we don't have any corn here." So the duck turns around and walks back out again.

The next day, the duck walks back in to the bank, walks up to the guy at the counter, and asks, "Do you have any corn here?" The guy at the counter answers, "No, we don't have any corn here." So once again, the duck turns around and walks back out again.


Anyway, the duck keeps on repeating this for several days. However, one particular day, about six days later, the duck walks in to the bank, up to the guy at the counter (it is always the same guy, by the way) and asks, "Do you have any corn here?" The guy at the counter answers "No, we don't have any corn here, and if you come in here and asks me that one more time, I'm going to nail your beak to the counter."


The next day, the duck walks back in to the bank, up to the guy at the counter, and asks, "Do you have any nails here?" The guy answers "No, we don't."


"Well in that case", said the duck, "Do you have any corn?"

[thedrifter]

"Talking Dog"

A man is looking through the classifieds and sees an ad for a "talking dog, $25". Not expecting much but curious, he calls and makes arrangements to see the dog. He went to the house, knocked on the door and asked about the dog. The dogs owner said "he's in the bedroom, go on in." The man walked through the bedroom door and sure enough there lies the dog, on his back, with the remote control in his paw. The man stammered out "hello?" "Hi there" said the dog "come on in." Astounded the man exclaimed "you can talk!" "Sure I can, I've always been able to talk. I was born in Ca. and spent the first few years of my life teaching other dogs how to lead the blind. Then I moved to New York and did a stint on Broadway and even a spot in Riverdance. A short while later the Gulf War broke out and I went to Iraq to give moral support to our troops. After that I moved here and have been working on getting my Bachelors degree." Well the man was astonished, he said his goodbyes then left the bedroom. As he got to the door he said to the man "Your dog is amazing, but do you mind if I ask you why your selling him for $25?" The man looked at him and said "Because he's a big liar!"

[thedrifter]

"3 Times Too Many"

A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,"I'm sorry sir, but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink." The guy swears and walks out of the bar.

Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer.

Again the bartender says,"I'm sorry, sir...but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink!"

Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer.

Again, the bartender says to the man..."I'm really sorry, sir, but you've had too much to drink...you're going to have to leave!"

The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God, man... How many bars do you work at?!!!"

[thedrifter]

"Jump"

Two guys in a bar. One says to the other "if you have 3 beers and a martinie I can bet that you can jump off the 2nd floor and fly."
The other man says "I'll do it only if you do it first"

So the first man does exactly that. He drinks up, goes up to a window on the 2nd floor, and jumps out.... sure enough he flies and lands on the floor unharmed.

So the second man decides to go for it too.

So he drinks the beers and martini, and jumps out the window and SPLAT!!!! he free falls to the ground!

The first guy shruggs and goes back in and sits himself at the bar when the bartender says "You know what? You can be a real ******* when your drunk Superman!"

[thedrifter]

13)

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how, if there's ever

anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

This old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the

mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and

thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes,"

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,

"Hello."

I yelled, "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

"Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers. "

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your ass."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious! If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.

-(14)

There were these three guys, who had wandered away from there camp site and had gotten lost.

They walked until they came to a small farmhouse, where they knocked on the door hoping to use the phone.

The farmer said that he had no phone, and asked what they were doing so far out in the country. They explained there situation to the farmer who said, I know where that campground is and I can drive you there in the morning. and he said, your more than welcome to sleep in the barn.

They walked around the back of the house noticing that the barn was directly connected to the back of the house. They found there way with a lantern that the farmer had given them and found a nice bed of hay in one corner of the barn. When they shut off the lantern it was all dark except for the light coming through three holes in the wall that connected to the house.

The one guy peered through one of the holes right as the light in the house was shut off. He said man I think there were naked girls in there.

He then stood up dropped his pants to his ankles, and stuck his dick in the first hole. After a minute or so he felt someone touching his dick from the other side, and it starting feeling really good, and he started moaning. With that one of the other guys immediately put his dick into the second hole, he immediately felt his being touch and started moaning as well, exclaiming how good it felt. Well with that the third guy got up and stuck his dick in the third hole. He to felt something touching him and he guessed it felt pretty good. All three guys then heard the girls on the other side of the wall to meet them outside. Well the first to guys scrambled around to the front of the house but the third guy couldn't pull away from the whole because who ever had him wouldn't let go, but it still felt pretty good to him so he didn't care.

The next morning came and the farmer came out to the barn with a shotgun, he knew his two daughters had seen some action last night and was bound that those responsible would do the proper thing.

Which one of you had sex with Katy my oldest daughter, the first guy stepped forward fearing for his life and said that he had been with Katy last night. The farmer said well you have to ask her hand in marriage now, and he agreed.

Which one of you had sex with Samantha, the second guy stepped forward and said that it had been him and that he would gladly marry her.

The third guy slumped forward and said well you might as well shoot me because I dont think I could servive another night with your other daughter, she wouldn't even stop when it became painful and I was crying and screaming, no just shoot me.

I only have two daughters said the farmer

Well then who was behind the third whole? he asked

Oh that would be my milking machine, it doesn't stop till it gets 12 full quarts.

-(15)

How do you know a blond has been making chocolate chip cookies?

Broken M&M shells.

How do you know a blond's computer?

There is whiteout on the computer screen.

How do you know a blond is wearing panty hose?

When she farts, her ankles swell.

How do you know a blond's penny?

It's not very bright.

What's black and white and looks awful on a blond?

A pit bull.

How do you know a blond is saying something stupid?

Her lips are moving.

Why didn't the blond use the supository?

It tasted awful.

Three blonds were having lunch. The first said, "I found a package of condoms in the boss' desk." The second said, "I did too and I put a hole in every one." The third blond fainted.

[thedrifter]

"Fishin' Secrets"

An ice fisherman was sitting with his line in a hole in the ice, but he wasn't having any luck. Two hours passed and not a nibble. A kid, maybe 7 or 8 years old approached, cut his own hole in the ice, and without a word, dropped his line and immediately began to pull in some of the largest fish the man had ever seen.
Flabbergasted, the man overcame his curiosity, and asked the lad: What was his secret?

The kid said, "Wrroo wrahhh rahh eeh ahh wrr wrr..." The man wasn't sure if the kid even spoke english, and repeated his question. Again the kid said,"Wrroo wrahhh rahh eeh ahh wrr wrr..."

"0ne more time,son. What was it you said?" The kid looks at the man, spits the contents of his mouth into the palm of his hand, and says: "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

[thedrifter]

"There was this Fly"

There was this fly hovering about 8 inches above the surface of the river, but unbeknown to the fly, just below the surface of the river there was this salmon looking up at the fly thinking, 'If that fly was to come just six inches lower I would leap out of this water and have it for my tea.' But unbeknown to the fish, there was this bear watching it, thinking, 'If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, and I could reach out and take that fish for my tea.' But unbeknown to the bear, in the bushes was a hunter with his gun thinking, 'If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, and I could lean forward with my gun and shoot that bear.' But, unbeknown to the hunter, there was this mouse thinking, 'If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, that hunter would lean forward with his gun and shoot that bear and I could run between the hunters legs and have his sandwich's for my tea.' But unbeknown to the mouse, there was this cat thinking, 'If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, that hunter would lean forward with his gun and shoot that bear, that mouse would run between the hunters legs and have his sandwich's for its tea and I could leap onto the mouse and have it for my tea.'
Just then the fly dropped six inches, the fish jumped, the bear reached, the hunter leaned, the mouse ran, the cat leaped and missed, falling into the water.

Which only goes to prove that "Whenever a fly drops six inches there is going to be a wet pussy"

[thedrifter]

"First Grader"

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of

her students.


The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry

answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the

third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in

the third-grade too!"


Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to

the principal what the situation was.


The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if

he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the

first-grade and behave.


She agreed.


Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him

and he agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"


Harry: "9".


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"


Harry: "36".


And so it went with every question the principal thought a

third-grade should know.


The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can

go to the third-grade."


Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some

questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.


Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only

two of?


"Harry, after a moment "Legs."


Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not

have?"


Harry: "Pockets."


Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"


Harry: "Pants"


Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,

oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?


Harry: Coconut


Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and

sticky?


The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the

answer, Harry was taking charge.


Harry: Bubblegum


Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting

down and a dog do on three legs?


The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the

answer.


Harry: Shake hands


Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,

okay?


Harry: Yep.


Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to

get me up. I get wet before you do.


Harry: Tent


Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're

bored. The best man always has me first.


The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.


Harry: Wedding Ring


Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When

you blow me, you feel good.


Harry: Nose


Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a

quiver.


Harry: Arrow


Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that

means a lot of heat and excitement?


Harry: Firetruck


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put

Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong

myself."

[thedrifter]

"U get1 She gets1 I get1"

A guy and his wife goes to a expensive golfcourse with his wife and says, "Becareful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window." His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house. He says,"Oh no! Better go ask how much it gonna be." So he and his wife goes up to the house and sees the door open. They went inside and sees the ball and a broken glass bottle. A man walks up and says,"Thank you!" So the husband goes, "I'm sorry about the..." And the man interupts, "Oh don't worry. I have to thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see I'm a genie. So you get one wish, she gets one, but you have to give me one." The husband asks for $100million. The man says,"Done." the wife asks for 80 exotic sports cars. Genie says,"Done. Now my wish is to have sex with your wife because you know I've been locked up for so long." They agree since they got all that stuff. And so the man screws the guy's wife. When their done the man asks the wife, "How old is you husband?" She answers, "23." And the man says, "And he still believes in genies?"

[thedrifter]

"The Genie and the Old Lady."

A poor,old woman sat there on her rocking chair on her porch,reflecting back on her long life. She then spots something on the garden path.She hobbles over to it bends down and groans in pain from a sore back.She picks up the bottle and hobbles back to her rocking chair.She gives the bottle a rub and:
POOF!

A Genie apears and says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle of which I have been trapped for thousands of years!I grant you three wishes.

The Old Woman thought.There was so many things she could wish for!She says"For my first wish,I wish to be a young and beautiful woman again with my life ahead of me!"

The Genie puts a mirror infront of the Old Woman and claps his hands.Suddenly,she watches her body begin to change in the mirror.Her skin tightens and her wrinkles dissapear.Her old figure becomes a new curvy one.Her hair turns from grey to black and lenghthens so it is long.She suddenly feels as if her chest is about to burst out of the top of her dress!She watches as her stomach goes flatter and her legs grow longer.Then the rest of the changes occur.

"Hey Presto" says the Genie."You are a beautiful young woman!"

The young woman stares in the mirror at her new lavashing beauty and youth and says"Wow this is really exciting!,I look like I'm 24 again!"

The Genie says"Your second wish?"

The young beauty says"All my life I have been poor, please,I wish to be the richest person this universe has seen!"

The Genie claps his hands and the woman watches as her tiny cottage proceeds to grow into the biggest mansion the world has ever seen.The small garden grows until it is massive with big blooming flowers and fountains and right in the middle of the garden there is a 20ft statue of the woman surrounded by fountains.On a driveway she sees that she has three limos each a chauffuer standing next to each one.She goes inside her mansion with the Genie and sees certificates like how she owns Hollywood and bought Microsoft off of Bill Gates!She looks on a table and sees her bank balance.It comes to a total of 6 billion trillion dollars.She notices servants and butlers buzzing about the house.

"Hey Presto!"says the Genie."Your are the richest woman this universe!"

The young woman sits down on a chair which was hand made by Leonardo Da Vinci."Wow",she says"Now that I am beautiful and rich,i suppose that I will have men that only love me for my money and not for who I am."

Just then the woman's cat wanders into the room."This cat has been my lifelong friend.For my third wish,I wish that this cat turn into the most handsome young man on Earth who loves me to bitsfor what I am."

The Genie claps his hands and dissapears.

Suddenly the old cat turns into the most handsome man on the planet.He has jet black hair and a athletic body with rippling muscles.The woman stares at him, smitten.He walks over to her and her legs go weak.He rubs his hand along her body and stokes her hair.Then he whispers into her ear"I bet your sory now for taking me to the vet and having my d**k cut off"!!!!!

[thedrifter]

"Face Lift"

A 47-year-old man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He really likes it. He was heading toward McDonalds when he stopped and asked a man, "excuse me for asking, but, what age do I look like?" The man says, "To me, you look 35." The guy says, "Really! I'm actually 47!" and walks to on.

Once he gets to McDonalds, he asks the orderer the same question. The orderer says, "To me, you look 29." The guy says, "Really! I'm actually 47!" and then leaves.


At the bus stop, he asks an old lady the same question. She says, "I'm 87, my eye sight isn't that well. Although, I can tell your age by having my hand down your pants for 10 minutes." The guy sees no one around and says what the hell and lets her...


...after ten minutes, she takes her hand out and says, "Alright, you're 47." The guy is surprised and says, "WOW! How did you know?" The old woman says, "I was standing behind you at McDonalds."

[thedrifter]

"CIA Candidates"

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a

woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large

metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your

instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will

find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"


The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."


The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went

into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with

tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to

kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,

one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and

banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and

there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said,

"This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[thedrifter]

"Murphy's Laws of Combat..."

.. 1. You are not superman.

2. Recoilless rifles aren't.

3. Don't look conspicuous. It draws fire.

4. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.

5. When in doubt, empty the magazine.

6. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

7. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

8. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

9. All five second grenade fuses are three seconds.

10. Try to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo.

11. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.

12. The easy way is always mined.

13. The important things are very simple.

14. The simple things are very hard.

15. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy, and CNN

16. Incoming fire has right-of-way.

17. Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy more people to shoot at.

18. Friendly fire isn't.

19. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.

20. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

[thedrifter]

Not tonight Honey



I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men
and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole
Mars & Venus thing.

And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and
women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the
sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it
hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?" She proceeds to say the words that I and every
husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune
with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her
first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I
went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed
department store.

I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She
couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three
of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200
each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept.... where
she gets a set of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought that I
was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I
think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet
because she doesn't even play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK....
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have
seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash
register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, once we got to the
cashier, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face .... it went completely blank. I then
said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during Spring
2006.

[thedrifter]

Windward side

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[thedrifter]

Mutual Of Omaha


Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?". Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex




Sent by our girl Cas...


Happy Halloween!

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It's o.k. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
because you are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.


and the #1 reason why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex...........

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!

[thedrifter]

The Pessimist


Friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

[thedrifter]

Signs That You Were Impacted By The 90's


1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your College roommate used to play.

10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

11. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

14. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

15. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

16. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

17. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

18. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

19. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

20. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

21. You're reading this.

[thedrifter]

Cross Examination


A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

[thedrifter]

Don't Have Any


A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"Well" the woman says, "If you don't have anything, why don't you close the store?"

The manager shrugs, "Can't. Don't have the key."

[thedrifter]

Late for work


Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance.

During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield:

"Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"

[Art Petersn]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull,
and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for
$599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've
bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette
only has $1 left.She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister
one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you
to send her the word 'comfortable.'"

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains,"My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it
very slowly ... com-for-da-bul."

[thedrifter]

"singing parrot "

one day a pirate walked into a pet store and asked for a parrot. The ladie replied, "I am sorry but we only have one parrot and, well, he isn't very pirate...ish..."

The pirate looked at the lady and said, "what do ya mean 'not very piratish'"?


The atendant awnsered "Well he sings chrismas carols when you light a match under his feet."


"Well let me see him,"said the pirate, "I realy need a parrot."


The attendant brought out the parrot and a box of matches.


"Here watch this" She said.She ;it a match and place it under his right foot.


The parrot squaked and started to sing "Away in a manger no crib for a bed..."


she blew the match out lit another and placed it under his right foot.


The parrot began to sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells Robin laid an egg......"


She looked at the pirate who look very unsure. "He sings this one really really loud though."


she lit a third match, put it between the parrots legs and he squaked at the top of his lungs...




"CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE!!!"

[thedrifter]

"Three Badass Mice"

Three mice walk into a bar. The first mouse takes a swig of his beer and says, "I am a badass mouse. In my neighborhood, we have these big mousetraps. I'm so tough that I walk up to them, grab the cheese, catch the bar and press it up and down with one arm while I eat the cheese. I'm a badass mouse."
The second mouse takes a couple swigs of his beer and says, "That's nothin'. In my neighborhood we have that rat-poison stuff. I grab it, throw it in my water and gargle it. It ain't nothin'. I'm a badass mouse."

The third mouse slams his beer, gets up, and starts walking away. The other two ask, "Where are you going?"

The third mouse looks at them and says, "I'm going home to screw the cat."

[thedrifter]

@@@Signs that you are too drunk would be..@@@.



-You lose arguments with inanimate objects.


-You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.


-Job interfering with your drinking.


-Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.


-Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.


-The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.


-Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.


-24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!


-Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!


-You can focus better with one eye closed.


-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.


-Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.


-Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!


-Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you


-At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."


-Your idea of cutting back is less salt.


-You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.


-The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

[thedrifter]

"two guys with hot dog"

Two guys wanted to get drunk one night but they only had $1.00

The one man said to the other " I have an idea. We will buy a hotdog. Throw away the bun. I will put it in my pants. we will go into a bar. order some drinks and drink them. Then you will get on your knees and start sucking on the hot dog, they will think we are gay and kick us out and we will get away with a free drink!"


okay said the other man.


So the two men tried it and it worked!


they did this all night long until the one guy said " Lets switch, im tired of getting on my knees!"


The other guy said " Sorry i threw that hot dog away 4 bars ago!"

[thedrifter]

"Holly Water!"

Three women have (a brunette, a red-head and a blond) just died and went to the gate keeper of heaven. He looked over their lives and said that they were to perffect. He said "You need to do at least one more bad thing before you can enter heaven. go down to earth tonight and come back up tomorrow to see if you can enter." So the three women went down to earth and came back up the next morning to see the gate keeper. He askes each one what they did. The brunette said that she robed the First National Bank. The gate keeper tells her to drink the holly water and go into heaven. Then he askes the red-head what she did. She replied "I set Yelllow Stone on fire." the gate keeper thinks for a minute then he told her to drink the holly water and go into heaven. Finally it was the blonds turn. The gate keeper asked her the same question and she replies " I peed in the Holly water!"

[thedrifter]

"Bus Driver"

One day a bus driver picked up a little blonde girl
She instanty sat down behind the bus driver, and started saying

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom a cow, i'd be a baby cow." then, "if my dad was a man elephant, and my mom a girl elephant, i'd be a baby elephant!"

She went on like this using different animals for a few hours, until the driver couldn't take it anymore, and yelled at her,

"What if your dad was gay, and your mom a prostitute?"

The blonde girl simply said,

"Then i'd be a bus driver."

[thedrifter]

WORLD'S EASIEST
QUIZ!


FOR ALL OF YOU THAT WILL NEVER MAKE "WHO WANTS TO BE A

MILLIONAIRE"

OR EVEN "THE WEAKEST LINK"...HERE'S THE WORLD'S

EASIEST QUIZ! (Passing

requires 4 correct answers)


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?


2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?


4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October

Revolution?

5)

What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific

are named after what

animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?


8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?



All done? Check your answers below!

x

x

x

x

x

x


x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

ANSWERS TO THE

QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country

makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep

and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October

Revolution?

November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The

Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what

animal? Dogs

7)

What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple

finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand


WHAT

DO YOU MEAN YOU FAILED?!!##!!!


So did I.......

[thedrifter]

"new account"

man walks up to bank teller and says"I wanna open a damn savings account" Teller says "thats fine sir,but you dont have to use profanity",to which the man replys,"just let me have a ******* savings accout." "Sir,the teller says,that type of language will not be tolerated here,perhaps you should speak to my boss." "FINE,says the man,get the son of a *****."The tellers boss comes over and says,"what seems to be the problem?" The man says,"I just won 5 million in the lottery,and all I want to do is open a ******* savings account." and the boss says,"And this ***** wont help you?"

[thedrifter]

"Damn Fish"

A little boy was selling fish at the corner. "Damn fish here! Get your Damn fish here!" When a bishop walks by. "My son you don't have to use such profoned launguage." he says "No Sir. i got them from a Dam." so the bishop byes some and went home.
He hand s his wife the fish and says"Honey will you cook my Damn Fish?" the wife replies "No i got them from a boy who got them from a Dam."

so the wife cooks them. later on at dinner time the father the mother and there son were all eating when the dad says to the son "Please pass the Damn Fish." the boy says "Right on dad! will you please pass the ****ing potatos?"

[thedrifter]

"why men shouldn't use the ladies bethroom"

There was this guy and he really had to pee, but the line for the mens room was too long. So a lady told him that he could use the womens restromm as long as he didn't push any buttone. So he agreed. He went in and after he had done his business he saw the buttons on the wall. They were labeled WW, WA, PP, and the red button said ATR. He got curious and so he pressed the WW button and warm water sprayed his butt. He pressed the WA button and warm air dried his butt. He pressed the PP button and his butt was powder-puffed. He was still curious about the red button, so he pressed it and he blacked out. When he woke up he was in the emergency room with the same lady standing by his side. He asked her what happened and she replied, "ATR stands for automatic tamopon remover, and your penis is in that cooler over there!"

[thedrifter]

"Tight Mini Skirt"

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!!!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was friends."

[thedrifter]

"Tiger Woods"

A couple was on their honeymoon, ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband,

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."


The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."


The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."


"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"


"Tiger Woods."


"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"


"Yeah."


"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you

went to bed with him."


The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they

are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.


"What are you doing?" asks the wife.


The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room

service and get something to eat."


"Tiger wouldn't do that."


"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"


"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."


The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to

make love to his wife a second time.


When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.


"Now what are you doing?" she asks.


"I'm still hungry, so I was going to get room service to get

something to eat."


"Tiger wouldn't do that."


"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"


"He'd come back to bed and do it again."


The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to

make love to his wife a second time.


When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over

to the phone and starts to dial.


The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"


"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this

damn hole."

[thedrifter]

"bedtime story"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.


"We'll consider the nanny as the Working Class," he went on. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."


So the little boy goes to bed thinking about what dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.


The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."


The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."


The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep ****."

[thedrifter]

Zookeeper and Three Boys


A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to.
The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."

[thedrifter]

Ladies Bumper Stickers


1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

[thedrifter]

My Wife is Deaf


A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

[thedrifter]

Computer Husband


TO MY DARLING HUSBAND,

I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really was more fun.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster makes you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary

[thedrifter]

A Penthouse In Heaven


The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

[thedrifter]

Sayings That Should Be On Buttons


1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

4. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

6. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

7. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

8. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

9. You! Off my planet!

10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

[thedrifter]

The Lawyer

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered, to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

[thedrifter]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though
it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl
stated
that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated
that
a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The
little
girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked,
"What
if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


This one is my favorite......
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the
drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused
and
said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat,
or
looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father
and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to
treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy
(the
oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several
strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked
at
her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white,
Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl
thought
about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL
of
grandma's hairs are white?"



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how
nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small
voice
at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's
dead."



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright
in
the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little
fellow
shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
made
a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
all
you want. God is watching the apples."

[thedrifter]

A retired gentleman went to the Social Security
office to apply for
Social
>Security.
>
>After waiting in line a long time he got to the
counter.
>
>The woman behind the counter asked him for his
drivers license to
verify
>his age.
>
>He looked in his pockets and realized he had left
his wallet at home.
>
>He told the woman that he was very sorry but he
seemed to have left
his
>wallet at
>home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
>
>The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens
his shirt
revealing
>lots of curly
>silver hair.
>
>She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me,"
and she
>processed his
>Social Security application.
>
>When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife
about his
experience
>at the
>Social Security office.
>
>She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you
might have gotten
>disability too."

[thedrifter]

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
decided
to kidnap a child
and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy,
took
him behind a tree
and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a
plain
brown bag behind
the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7A.M. Signed, The Blonde." She
pinned the note inside
the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.The next
morning,
she returned to the park
to find the $10,000 in a Brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she
had
instructed. Inside the
Bag was the following note.... "Here is your money. I cannot believe
that
one blonde would do this
to another!

[thedrifter]

"Ducks!"

Three men die and go up to heaven. When they get there God says "You can do anything you want. But if you step on a duck there will be consequences." The first man goes on a walk. When he comes home he has a ugly girl with him. The other two asked him what happened. He replied "I stepped on a duck." The next day another man went for a walk. He also came home with a very ugly girl. When asked what happened, he replied "I stepped on a duck." The next day the other man went on a walk. He came home with a very pretty girl. The other two asked what happened. Before he could reply the girl said "I stepped on a duck!"

[thedrifter]

"Piano-playing dog"

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR WITH A SMALL DOG. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"


The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"


So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Everything from Ragtime to Mozart, and the bartender and patrons are really enjoying the music.


Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.


The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"


The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

[thedrifter]

"The Tax Man Squeezeth"

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny

squeaky voice "I`d like to try the bet."


After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.


But the crowd`s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.


As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a

weight-lifter, or what?"


The man replied "I work for the IRS."

[thedrifter]

"Football"

a big gay biker walked into a bar, and sits down and orders a beer, looking around lonely, he sees a man walk in and sits beside him, the man orders a beer, the biker notices he looks unhappy, so he says he has a game they can play, the man agrees to play,ok heres how it goes says the biker.
it is alot like football, we both chug down our beer and whoever burps louder gets the touch down, and u have to fart for the field goal. the man agrees to play and says "i can do that". So the biker starts off, chuging down his beer and letting out a huge burp, then the other man drinks his beer and burps even louder, ok says the biker u got the touch down, now fart for the field goal. So the man bends over to let out a huge fart when suddenly the biker sticks his penis right up the mans ass and says. Block that kick!!.

[thedrifter]

20

One day a blonde, a brunette and a red head were running away from the cops. They found a farmhouse and went inside looking for a hiding place. The brunette sugested the loft. So up they went. They found 3 potato sacks. They hid in them. The plice chased them into the loft. The police saw the three potato sacks. The policeman kicked the first one. "Meow" said the brunette, making the police think it was a cat. they kicked the second sack. The red head did the same. "Woof" the red head said. Then they kicked the blonde's sack. "Potato, potato" said the blonde. The police instantly opened the sacks and arrested the three. The police lined them up to be shot. First was the brunette. The brunette called out "AVALANCHE!!" the police looked and the brunette ran away. The red head did the same. "FLOOD!!" the red head shouted the police looked and the red head ran away> Now it was the blondes turn. They loaded their guns and were ready. The blonde yelled "FIRE!!" BANG!!

The end of the blonde.

-21

A blonde woman,who was getting tired of all the jokes, decided to take action and once and for all show people that blondes are not stupid after all. The woman studied and memorized all the capitals of all the states. Proud of her accomplishment, she went to a local bar to prove her point to any one interested. After only a short while, sure enough, a blonde joke was told. In her defense she quickly told the person that blondes are not stupid. She then told the person that she knew all the capitals of all of the states. The person said "oh yeah, what is the capitol of Vermont? The blonde quickly replied "V"!!!

-22

One day 1 blonde and two construction workers were sitting on a skyscraper eating lunch. The first construction worker said "if my wife packs me a sandwich again i am going to jump off this building. So the next day his wife packed him a sandwhich and he jumped off the building and died.

The other construction worker said if my wife packs me soup again I'll jump off this building. So the next day his wife packed him soup and he jumped off the skyscraper and died.

The blonde said if my wife packs me a bagel I'll jump off this building. So the next day he jumped off the building and died.

At his funeral his wife was laughing. Everybody asked her why and she replied "My husband packs his own lunch."

-23

A brunette, a red head, and a blond are taking a walk in the woods when they see a bridge over a river. As they get closer the find a little elf who explains that it was a magic bridge, and if you cross it and say something you want to be then you will become it. So the brunette walks across and says bird, and flies away. The red head walks across the bridge and says fish, and proceeds to go into the water and become a fish. Finally the blond walks towards the end of the bridge, but trips and yells ****.

-24

A blonde gets in her car and looks in horror and grabs her cell phone and dials 911. The 911 operator answers and says "911 What is your emergency". She relpies "Help me someone has stolen all of the stuff out of my car". The operator asked her to explain and she says that her dash is gone and her radio is gone and even her foot pedals are gone. The operator tells her that they are on there way and hangs up. About 1 minute later the blonde calls back and says "It's me again, never mind I was in the back seat!"

-25

There was a plane flying through the air, when the captain came over the intercomm.

"the plane is out of control!!! we are about to crash!!!"

this blonde jumped up and said:

"I have had a good life with lots of good sex!!! but i have never felt like a real woman. Is there anybody who can make me fell like a real woman?"

This young 20 something guy stood up and started to walk towards her, unbuttoning his shirt to show his wash board stomach.

the blonde started to breathe deeply in expectation.

He handed her the shirt and said:

"Iron This!"

-26

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Give her a pack of M & M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.

Q: Then what does she ask you?

A: Does M come before W or 3 before E?

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?

A: Tell her she's pregnant

Q:Then what does she ask you?

A: Is it mine?

Q:What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A: Pregnant

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A: A Golden retriever

Q:How do Blonde brain cells die?

A: Alone

Q:What do you call a blonde with a dollar stuck to her forehead?

A: All you can eat under a buck.

Q:How do you brainwash a blonde?

A: Give her a douche and shake her upsidedown

Q:What do you call a bleach blonde who works for MENSA?

A: A peroxymoron

[thedrifter]

"Which Tire Was It?"

A college "boy" and his girlfriend went out the night before their major exams. Both of them were totally ****ed out of their minds when
they got back home. The next day they were so hungover they

missed most of their class. When they finally showed up, their was only 15 min. left in class before papers had to be turned in. They told the professer that their car's tire popped and they couldn't flag down a ride. The professer "uh huhed" with sympathy and told them they could write the exam the next day. The next day they came in and were sent into different rooms. The cover of the test said, "this will determine all I need to know". They opened the test and saw there was only one question. "Which tire was it?"

[thedrifter]

"<<<When the End of the World Arrives, How Will the Media Report It?>>>-"


-USA Today: WE'RE DEAD


-The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS


-National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN


-Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE


-Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE


-Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE


-Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER


-Wired: THE LAST NEW THING


-Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR


-Readers Digest: 'BYE


-Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?


-TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!


-Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!


-America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE


-Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

[thedrifter]

"Cow Economy"

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows... both are mad.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...

[thedrifter]

"N/A"

An Arab, a Russian, a Jamaican, and an American are on a boat. The Russian takes out a big flask of vodka, takes a sip, and then throws it over board. The American asks him why he did that. "Where I come from, we have plenty of vodka." Then, the Jamaican takes out a big roll of weed, then smokes a little puff, and throws it over board, and the American asks why he did that. "Where I come from, we have plenty of that." The Russian then asks,"There must be plenty of something where you come from."
The American then throws the Arab over board.

[thedrifter]

"there was this little boy"

There was this little boy at school.The teacher asked him what his name was he said I don't know can I go home and ask? The teacher said sure.So he went to home.First he went to his little brothers room he was watching Batman He yelled Batman to the rescue!Then he went to his sisters room she was messing around and said yea yea . Then he went into the living room there he found his dad watching football he said go 49ers then he went to the kitchen his mom had burnt the buns she was making and said my buns are burning my buns are burning.Then he went back to school the teacher asked him what his name was he said Batman to the rescue! She said do you want a paddling yea yea. She said how many? He said go 49ers. Then she said do you have anything to say for yourself?He said my buns are burning my buns are burning!

[thedrifter]

"U get1 She gets1 I get1"

A guy and his wife goes to a expensive golfcourse with his wife and says, "Becareful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window." His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house. He says,"Oh no! Better go ask how much it gonna be." So he and his wife goes up to the house and sees the door open. They went inside and sees the ball and a broken glass bottle. A man walks up and says,"Thank you!" So the husband goes, "I'm sorry about the..." And the man interupts, "Oh don't worry. I have to thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see I'm a genie. So you get one wish, she gets one, but you have to give me one." The husband asks for $100million. The man says,"Done." the wife asks for 80 exotic sports cars. Genie says,"Done. Now my wish is to have sex with your wife because you know I've been locked up for so long." They agree since they got all that stuff. And so the man screws the guy's wife. When their done the man asks the wife, "How old is you husband?" She answers, "23." And the man says, "And he still believes in genies?"

[thedrifter]

THE PERFECT MAN

The perfect man is gentle

Never cruel or mean

He has a beautiful smile

And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children

And will raise them by your side

He will be a good father

As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking

Cleaning and vacuuming too

He'll do anything in his power

To convey his feelings of love on you.

The perfect man is sweet

Writing poetry from your name

He's a best friend to your mother

And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry

Or hurt you in any way

Oh, **** this stupid poem

The perfect man is gay.

[thedrifter]

WHY GOD INVENTED MENOPAUSE

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.


"May we see the new baby?" one asked.


"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."


Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"


"No, not yet," said the mother.


After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"


"No, not yet," replied the mother.


Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"


"WHEN IT CRIES!" she told them.


"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"


"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."

[thedrifter]

"How to get the job done by the NYPD"

President Bush worried about the efficiency of his agencies decides to test them. He takes a large area of woodland and fences it off into three equal areas and releases a red squirrel into each. He gives the first area to the FBI, the second to the CIA and the third to the NYPD with the mission of finding the squirrel in a week.
The week elapses and he asks the FBI how they got on. The FBI say that they mobilized the Dept of The Environment, the local police, The Forestry Commission in addition posting wanted signs in local towns and on the tree.

The Squirrel however was still 'at large'. The Spokesman for the CIA is up next and after calling in 'Grey Opps', asked for a napalm strike. The officer then pushes across a clear plastic envelope containing greasy grey ashes saying that they believe that to be Red Squirrel residue.

The President then turns the the Chief of New Police who then nods to a junior officer. The door to the room opens and two police officers walk in holding a handcuffed, bruised and blooded badger between them.

The Chief then jabs his night-stick into the badgers ribs and says "Tell him what you told me". The badger then screams "I'm a red squirrel, I'm a red squirrel!".

[Phantom Blooper]

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new poodles, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[Phantom Blooper]

> >>A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
> >>yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them,
> >>"I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know
> >>what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen
> >>dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a
car
> >>like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the
> >>street," said the boy." I don't know her name-they just moved in. She
saw
> >>me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for
> >>fifteen dollars." "Dear Oh dear," moaned the mother, "she must be a
child
> >>abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and
> >>see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the
> >>house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting
> >>petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had
> >>sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and wanted to know why she did it.
> >>"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
> >>thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii
> >>with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell
> >>his new Porsche and send him the money." "So I did." (Are women good or
> >>what!)

[thedrifter]

Contemplating Cats


There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous

"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." --

[thedrifter]

Pain in the Side


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

[thedrifter]

For the Sick


A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

[thedrifter]

CTC


Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.

"CTC? Who are they?"

"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

[thedrifter]

Crossing the Road


Traveling down a remote country road one day, a motorist came to a stop in front of a giant puddle covering the entire road. He noticed a farmer leaning on a fence,
contemplating the puddle. "Hey mister, think it's safe to cross?" he yelled.

"Oh, I reckon so." The farmer replied.

The man drove on into the puddle, where his car was immediately swallowed up. The puddle was so deep, he had to escape through the window and swim back to the edge. When he climbed out he was furious with the old farmer. "I thought you said it was safe to cross!"

The farmer stood back and scratched his head. "Well, heck, it only came up chest-high on my ducks!"

[thedrifter]

Doggie Quotes


"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." --Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." --Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." --Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." --Aldous Huxley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." --August Strindberg

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" --Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." --Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." --Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. --Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." --Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." --Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." --Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." --Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." --Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." --Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." --Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." --Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck

[thedrifter]

An awful breakfast


One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's
runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."

The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. "Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!"

"Why not?" the guest replied. "That's what I got here yesterday!"

[thedrifter]

Attainable Affirmations


The boss giving you a rough time? Just try these "attainable affirmations," and your work week is sure to fly by!

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute...I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

31. To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

[Phantom Blooper]

HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as
we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For
those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking
a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
fr