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thedrifter
10-07-03, 07:03 PM
Aches and Pains


At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully

thedrifter
10-07-03, 07:03 PM
Flakey Murder


Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

thedrifter
10-07-03, 07:04 PM
Goodbye, mother!


Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if I've been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently.

"I'm sorry for your loss," the young man replied. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Well, as I'm leaving, could you just say 'Goodbye, mother!?' It would make me feel so much better." She gave him a sweet smile.

"Of course I can," the young man promised.

As she gathered her bags and left, he called out "Goodbye, mother!" just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile.

Stepping up to the counter, he saw that his total was about $100 higher than it should be. "That amount is wrong," he said. "I only have a few items!"

"Oh, your mother said that you would pay for her," explained the clerk.

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:51 AM
"The duck and the corn"

One day this duck walks in to a bank. It walks up to the guy at the counter and asks, "Do you have any corn here?" The guy at the counter answers "No, we don't have any corn here." So the duck turns around and walks back out again.

The next day, the duck walks back in to the bank, walks up to the guy at the counter, and asks, "Do you have any corn here?" The guy at the counter answers, "No, we don't have any corn here." So once again, the duck turns around and walks back out again.


Anyway, the duck keeps on repeating this for several days. However, one particular day, about six days later, the duck walks in to the bank, up to the guy at the counter (it is always the same guy, by the way) and asks, "Do you have any corn here?" The guy at the counter answers "No, we don't have any corn here, and if you come in here and asks me that one more time, I'm going to nail your beak to the counter."


The next day, the duck walks back in to the bank, up to the guy at the counter, and asks, "Do you have any nails here?" The guy answers "No, we don't."


"Well in that case", said the duck, "Do you have any corn?"

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:52 AM
"Talking Dog"

A man is looking through the classifieds and sees an ad for a "talking dog, $25". Not expecting much but curious, he calls and makes arrangements to see the dog. He went to the house, knocked on the door and asked about the dog. The dogs owner said "he's in the bedroom, go on in." The man walked through the bedroom door and sure enough there lies the dog, on his back, with the remote control in his paw. The man stammered out "hello?" "Hi there" said the dog "come on in." Astounded the man exclaimed "you can talk!" "Sure I can, I've always been able to talk. I was born in Ca. and spent the first few years of my life teaching other dogs how to lead the blind. Then I moved to New York and did a stint on Broadway and even a spot in Riverdance. A short while later the Gulf War broke out and I went to Iraq to give moral support to our troops. After that I moved here and have been working on getting my Bachelors degree." Well the man was astonished, he said his goodbyes then left the bedroom. As he got to the door he said to the man "Your dog is amazing, but do you mind if I ask you why your selling him for $25?" The man looked at him and said "Because he's a big liar!"

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:53 AM
"3 Times Too Many"

A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,"I'm sorry sir, but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink." The guy swears and walks out of the bar.

Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer.

Again the bartender says,"I'm sorry, sir...but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink!"

Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer.

Again, the bartender says to the man..."I'm really sorry, sir, but you've had too much to drink...you're going to have to leave!"

The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God, man... How many bars do you work at?!!!"

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:54 AM
"Jump"

Two guys in a bar. One says to the other "if you have 3 beers and a martinie I can bet that you can jump off the 2nd floor and fly."
The other man says "I'll do it only if you do it first"

So the first man does exactly that. He drinks up, goes up to a window on the 2nd floor, and jumps out.... sure enough he flies and lands on the floor unharmed.

So the second man decides to go for it too.

So he drinks the beers and martini, and jumps out the window and SPLAT!!!! he free falls to the ground!

The first guy shruggs and goes back in and sits himself at the bar when the bartender says "You know what? You can be a real ******* when your drunk Superman!"

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:55 AM
13)

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how, if there's ever

anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

This old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the

mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and

thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes,"

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,

"Hello."

I yelled, "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

"Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers. "

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your ass."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious! If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.

-(14)

There were these three guys, who had wandered away from there camp site and had gotten lost.

They walked until they came to a small farmhouse, where they knocked on the door hoping to use the phone.

The farmer said that he had no phone, and asked what they were doing so far out in the country. They explained there situation to the farmer who said, I know where that campground is and I can drive you there in the morning. and he said, your more than welcome to sleep in the barn.

They walked around the back of the house noticing that the barn was directly connected to the back of the house. They found there way with a lantern that the farmer had given them and found a nice bed of hay in one corner of the barn. When they shut off the lantern it was all dark except for the light coming through three holes in the wall that connected to the house.

The one guy peered through one of the holes right as the light in the house was shut off. He said man I think there were naked girls in there.

He then stood up dropped his pants to his ankles, and stuck his dick in the first hole. After a minute or so he felt someone touching his dick from the other side, and it starting feeling really good, and he started moaning. With that one of the other guys immediately put his dick into the second hole, he immediately felt his being touch and started moaning as well, exclaiming how good it felt. Well with that the third guy got up and stuck his dick in the third hole. He to felt something touching him and he guessed it felt pretty good. All three guys then heard the girls on the other side of the wall to meet them outside. Well the first to guys scrambled around to the front of the house but the third guy couldn't pull away from the whole because who ever had him wouldn't let go, but it still felt pretty good to him so he didn't care.

The next morning came and the farmer came out to the barn with a shotgun, he knew his two daughters had seen some action last night and was bound that those responsible would do the proper thing.

Which one of you had sex with Katy my oldest daughter, the first guy stepped forward fearing for his life and said that he had been with Katy last night. The farmer said well you have to ask her hand in marriage now, and he agreed.

Which one of you had sex with Samantha, the second guy stepped forward and said that it had been him and that he would gladly marry her.

The third guy slumped forward and said well you might as well shoot me because I dont think I could servive another night with your other daughter, she wouldn't even stop when it became painful and I was crying and screaming, no just shoot me.

I only have two daughters said the farmer

Well then who was behind the third whole? he asked

Oh that would be my milking machine, it doesn't stop till it gets 12 full quarts.

-(15)

How do you know a blond has been making chocolate chip cookies?

Broken M&M shells.

How do you know a blond's computer?

There is whiteout on the computer screen.

How do you know a blond is wearing panty hose?

When she farts, her ankles swell.

How do you know a blond's penny?

It's not very bright.

What's black and white and looks awful on a blond?

A pit bull.

How do you know a blond is saying something stupid?

Her lips are moving.

Why didn't the blond use the supository?

It tasted awful.

Three blonds were having lunch. The first said, "I found a package of condoms in the boss' desk." The second said, "I did too and I put a hole in every one." The third blond fainted.

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:56 AM
"Fishin' Secrets"

An ice fisherman was sitting with his line in a hole in the ice, but he wasn't having any luck. Two hours passed and not a nibble. A kid, maybe 7 or 8 years old approached, cut his own hole in the ice, and without a word, dropped his line and immediately began to pull in some of the largest fish the man had ever seen.
Flabbergasted, the man overcame his curiosity, and asked the lad: What was his secret?

The kid said, "Wrroo wrahhh rahh eeh ahh wrr wrr..." The man wasn't sure if the kid even spoke english, and repeated his question. Again the kid said,"Wrroo wrahhh rahh eeh ahh wrr wrr..."

"0ne more time,son. What was it you said?" The kid looks at the man, spits the contents of his mouth into the palm of his hand, and says: "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:58 AM
"There was this Fly"

There was this fly hovering about 8 inches above the surface of the river, but unbeknown to the fly, just below the surface of the river there was this salmon looking up at the fly thinking, 'If that fly was to come just six inches lower I would leap out of this water and have it for my tea.' But unbeknown to the fish, there was this bear watching it, thinking, 'If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, and I could reach out and take that fish for my tea.' But unbeknown to the bear, in the bushes was a hunter with his gun thinking, 'If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, and I could lean forward with my gun and shoot that bear.' But, unbeknown to the hunter, there was this mouse thinking, 'If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, that hunter would lean forward with his gun and shoot that bear and I could run between the hunters legs and have his sandwich's for my tea.' But unbeknown to the mouse, there was this cat thinking, 'If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, that hunter would lean forward with his gun and shoot that bear, that mouse would run between the hunters legs and have his sandwich's for its tea and I could leap onto the mouse and have it for my tea.'
Just then the fly dropped six inches, the fish jumped, the bear reached, the hunter leaned, the mouse ran, the cat leaped and missed, falling into the water.

Which only goes to prove that "Whenever a fly drops six inches there is going to be a wet pussy"

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:59 AM
"First Grader"

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of

her students.


The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry

answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the

third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in

the third-grade too!"


Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to

the principal what the situation was.


The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if

he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the

first-grade and behave.


She agreed.


Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him

and he agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"


Harry: "9".


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"


Harry: "36".


And so it went with every question the principal thought a

third-grade should know.


The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can

go to the third-grade."


Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some

questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.


Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only

two of?


"Harry, after a moment "Legs."


Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not

have?"


Harry: "Pockets."


Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"


Harry: "Pants"


Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,

oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?


Harry: Coconut


Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and

sticky?


The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the

answer, Harry was taking charge.


Harry: Bubblegum


Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting

down and a dog do on three legs?


The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the

answer.


Harry: Shake hands


Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,

okay?


Harry: Yep.


Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to

get me up. I get wet before you do.


Harry: Tent


Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're

bored. The best man always has me first.


The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.


Harry: Wedding Ring


Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When

you blow me, you feel good.


Harry: Nose


Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a

quiver.


Harry: Arrow


Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that

means a lot of heat and excitement?


Harry: Firetruck


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put

Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong

myself."

thedrifter
10-08-03, 07:01 AM
"U get1 She gets1 I get1"

A guy and his wife goes to a expensive golfcourse with his wife and says, "Becareful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window." His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house. He says,"Oh no! Better go ask how much it gonna be." So he and his wife goes up to the house and sees the door open. They went inside and sees the ball and a broken glass bottle. A man walks up and says,"Thank you!" So the husband goes, "I'm sorry about the..." And the man interupts, "Oh don't worry. I have to thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see I'm a genie. So you get one wish, she gets one, but you have to give me one." The husband asks for $100million. The man says,"Done." the wife asks for 80 exotic sports cars. Genie says,"Done. Now my wish is to have sex with your wife because you know I've been locked up for so long." They agree since they got all that stuff. And so the man screws the guy's wife. When their done the man asks the wife, "How old is you husband?" She answers, "23." And the man says, "And he still believes in genies?"

thedrifter
10-08-03, 07:01 AM
"The Genie and the Old Lady."

A poor,old woman sat there on her rocking chair on her porch,reflecting back on her long life. She then spots something on the garden path.She hobbles over to it bends down and groans in pain from a sore back.She picks up the bottle and hobbles back to her rocking chair.She gives the bottle a rub and:
POOF!

A Genie apears and says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle of which I have been trapped for thousands of years!I grant you three wishes.

The Old Woman thought.There was so many things she could wish for!She says"For my first wish,I wish to be a young and beautiful woman again with my life ahead of me!"

The Genie puts a mirror infront of the Old Woman and claps his hands.Suddenly,she watches her body begin to change in the mirror.Her skin tightens and her wrinkles dissapear.Her old figure becomes a new curvy one.Her hair turns from grey to black and lenghthens so it is long.She suddenly feels as if her chest is about to burst out of the top of her dress!She watches as her stomach goes flatter and her legs grow longer.Then the rest of the changes occur.

"Hey Presto" says the Genie."You are a beautiful young woman!"

The young woman stares in the mirror at her new lavashing beauty and youth and says"Wow this is really exciting!,I look like I'm 24 again!"

The Genie says"Your second wish?"

The young beauty says"All my life I have been poor, please,I wish to be the richest person this universe has seen!"

The Genie claps his hands and the woman watches as her tiny cottage proceeds to grow into the biggest mansion the world has ever seen.The small garden grows until it is massive with big blooming flowers and fountains and right in the middle of the garden there is a 20ft statue of the woman surrounded by fountains.On a driveway she sees that she has three limos each a chauffuer standing next to each one.She goes inside her mansion with the Genie and sees certificates like how she owns Hollywood and bought Microsoft off of Bill Gates!She looks on a table and sees her bank balance.It comes to a total of 6 billion trillion dollars.She notices servants and butlers buzzing about the house.

"Hey Presto!"says the Genie."Your are the richest woman this universe!"

The young woman sits down on a chair which was hand made by Leonardo Da Vinci."Wow",she says"Now that I am beautiful and rich,i suppose that I will have men that only love me for my money and not for who I am."

Just then the woman's cat wanders into the room."This cat has been my lifelong friend.For my third wish,I wish that this cat turn into the most handsome young man on Earth who loves me to bitsfor what I am."

The Genie claps his hands and dissapears.

Suddenly the old cat turns into the most handsome man on the planet.He has jet black hair and a athletic body with rippling muscles.The woman stares at him, smitten.He walks over to her and her legs go weak.He rubs his hand along her body and stokes her hair.Then he whispers into her ear"I bet your sory now for taking me to the vet and having my d**k cut off"!!!!!

thedrifter
10-08-03, 07:02 AM
"Face Lift"

A 47-year-old man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He really likes it. He was heading toward McDonalds when he stopped and asked a man, "excuse me for asking, but, what age do I look like?" The man says, "To me, you look 35." The guy says, "Really! I'm actually 47!" and walks to on.

Once he gets to McDonalds, he asks the orderer the same question. The orderer says, "To me, you look 29." The guy says, "Really! I'm actually 47!" and then leaves.


At the bus stop, he asks an old lady the same question. She says, "I'm 87, my eye sight isn't that well. Although, I can tell your age by having my hand down your pants for 10 minutes." The guy sees no one around and says what the hell and lets her...


...after ten minutes, she takes her hand out and says, "Alright, you're 47." The guy is surprised and says, "WOW! How did you know?" The old woman says, "I was standing behind you at McDonalds."

thedrifter
10-08-03, 07:03 AM
"CIA Candidates"

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a

woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large

metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your

instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will

find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"


The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."


The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went

into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with

tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to

kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,

one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and

banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and

there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said,

"This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

thedrifter
10-08-03, 07:04 AM
"Murphy's Laws of Combat..."

.. 1. You are not superman.

2. Recoilless rifles aren't.

3. Don't look conspicuous. It draws fire.

4. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.

5. When in doubt, empty the magazine.

6. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

7. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

8. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

9. All five second grenade fuses are three seconds.

10. Try to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo.

11. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.

12. The easy way is always mined.

13. The important things are very simple.

14. The simple things are very hard.

15. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy, and CNN

16. Incoming fire has right-of-way.

17. Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy more people to shoot at.

18. Friendly fire isn't.

19. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.

20. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:27 PM
Not tonight Honey



I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men
and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole
Mars & Venus thing.

And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and
women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the
sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it
hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?" She proceeds to say the words that I and every
husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune
with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her
first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I
went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed
department store.

I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She
couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three
of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200
each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept.... where
she gets a set of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought that I
was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I
think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet
because she doesn't even play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK....
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have
seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash
register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, once we got to the
cashier, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face .... it went completely blank. I then
said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during Spring
2006.

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:28 PM
Windward side

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:30 PM
Mutual Of Omaha


Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?". Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:31 PM
Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex




Sent by our girl Cas...


Happy Halloween!

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It's o.k. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
because you are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.


and the #1 reason why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex...........

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:34 PM
The Pessimist


Friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:35 PM
Signs That You Were Impacted By The 90's


1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your College roommate used to play.

10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

11. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

14. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

15. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

16. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

17. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

18. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

19. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

20. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

21. You're reading this.

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:36 PM
Cross Examination


A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:37 PM
Don't Have Any


A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"Well" the woman says, "If you don't have anything, why don't you close the store?"

The manager shrugs, "Can't. Don't have the key."

thedrifter
10-08-03, 06:38 PM
Late for work


Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance.

During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield:

"Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"

Art Petersn
10-08-03, 06:53 PM
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull,
and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for
$599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've
bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette
only has $1 left.She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister
one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you
to send her the word 'comfortable.'"

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains,"My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it
very slowly ... com-for-da-bul."

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:39 AM
"singing parrot "

one day a pirate walked into a pet store and asked for a parrot. The ladie replied, "I am sorry but we only have one parrot and, well, he isn't very pirate...ish..."

The pirate looked at the lady and said, "what do ya mean 'not very piratish'"?


The atendant awnsered "Well he sings chrismas carols when you light a match under his feet."


"Well let me see him,"said the pirate, "I realy need a parrot."


The attendant brought out the parrot and a box of matches.


"Here watch this" She said.She ;it a match and place it under his right foot.


The parrot squaked and started to sing "Away in a manger no crib for a bed..."


she blew the match out lit another and placed it under his right foot.


The parrot began to sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells Robin laid an egg......"


She looked at the pirate who look very unsure. "He sings this one really really loud though."


she lit a third match, put it between the parrots legs and he squaked at the top of his lungs...




"CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE!!!"

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:40 AM
"Three Badass Mice"

Three mice walk into a bar. The first mouse takes a swig of his beer and says, "I am a badass mouse. In my neighborhood, we have these big mousetraps. I'm so tough that I walk up to them, grab the cheese, catch the bar and press it up and down with one arm while I eat the cheese. I'm a badass mouse."
The second mouse takes a couple swigs of his beer and says, "That's nothin'. In my neighborhood we have that rat-poison stuff. I grab it, throw it in my water and gargle it. It ain't nothin'. I'm a badass mouse."

The third mouse slams his beer, gets up, and starts walking away. The other two ask, "Where are you going?"

The third mouse looks at them and says, "I'm going home to screw the cat."

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:41 AM
@@@Signs that you are too drunk would be..@@@.



-You lose arguments with inanimate objects.


-You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.


-Job interfering with your drinking.


-Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.


-Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.


-The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.


-Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.


-24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!


-Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!


-You can focus better with one eye closed.


-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.


-Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.


-Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!


-Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you


-At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."


-Your idea of cutting back is less salt.


-You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.


-The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:42 AM
"two guys with hot dog"

Two guys wanted to get drunk one night but they only had $1.00

The one man said to the other " I have an idea. We will buy a hotdog. Throw away the bun. I will put it in my pants. we will go into a bar. order some drinks and drink them. Then you will get on your knees and start sucking on the hot dog, they will think we are gay and kick us out and we will get away with a free drink!"


okay said the other man.


So the two men tried it and it worked!


they did this all night long until the one guy said " Lets switch, im tired of getting on my knees!"


The other guy said " Sorry i threw that hot dog away 4 bars ago!"

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:43 AM
"Holly Water!"

Three women have (a brunette, a red-head and a blond) just died and went to the gate keeper of heaven. He looked over their lives and said that they were to perffect. He said "You need to do at least one more bad thing before you can enter heaven. go down to earth tonight and come back up tomorrow to see if you can enter." So the three women went down to earth and came back up the next morning to see the gate keeper. He askes each one what they did. The brunette said that she robed the First National Bank. The gate keeper tells her to drink the holly water and go into heaven. Then he askes the red-head what she did. She replied "I set Yelllow Stone on fire." the gate keeper thinks for a minute then he told her to drink the holly water and go into heaven. Finally it was the blonds turn. The gate keeper asked her the same question and she replies " I peed in the Holly water!"

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:43 AM
"Bus Driver"

One day a bus driver picked up a little blonde girl
She instanty sat down behind the bus driver, and started saying

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom a cow, i'd be a baby cow." then, "if my dad was a man elephant, and my mom a girl elephant, i'd be a baby elephant!"

She went on like this using different animals for a few hours, until the driver couldn't take it anymore, and yelled at her,

"What if your dad was gay, and your mom a prostitute?"

The blonde girl simply said,

"Then i'd be a bus driver."

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:44 AM
WORLD'S EASIEST
QUIZ!


FOR ALL OF YOU THAT WILL NEVER MAKE "WHO WANTS TO BE A

MILLIONAIRE"

OR EVEN "THE WEAKEST LINK"...HERE'S THE WORLD'S

EASIEST QUIZ! (Passing

requires 4 correct answers)


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?


2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?


4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October

Revolution?

5)

What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific

are named after what

animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?


8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?



All done? Check your answers below!

x

x

x

x

x

x


x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

ANSWERS TO THE

QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country

makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep

and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October

Revolution?

November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The

Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what

animal? Dogs

7)

What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple

finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand


WHAT

DO YOU MEAN YOU FAILED?!!##!!!


So did I.......

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:45 AM
"new account"

man walks up to bank teller and says"I wanna open a damn savings account" Teller says "thats fine sir,but you dont have to use profanity",to which the man replys,"just let me have a ******* savings accout." "Sir,the teller says,that type of language will not be tolerated here,perhaps you should speak to my boss." "FINE,says the man,get the son of a *****."The tellers boss comes over and says,"what seems to be the problem?" The man says,"I just won 5 million in the lottery,and all I want to do is open a ******* savings account." and the boss says,"And this ***** wont help you?"

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:46 AM
"Damn Fish"

A little boy was selling fish at the corner. "Damn fish here! Get your Damn fish here!" When a bishop walks by. "My son you don't have to use such profoned launguage." he says "No Sir. i got them from a Dam." so the bishop byes some and went home.
He hand s his wife the fish and says"Honey will you cook my Damn Fish?" the wife replies "No i got them from a boy who got them from a Dam."

so the wife cooks them. later on at dinner time the father the mother and there son were all eating when the dad says to the son "Please pass the Damn Fish." the boy says "Right on dad! will you please pass the ****ing potatos?"

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:47 AM
"why men shouldn't use the ladies bethroom"

There was this guy and he really had to pee, but the line for the mens room was too long. So a lady told him that he could use the womens restromm as long as he didn't push any buttone. So he agreed. He went in and after he had done his business he saw the buttons on the wall. They were labeled WW, WA, PP, and the red button said ATR. He got curious and so he pressed the WW button and warm water sprayed his butt. He pressed the WA button and warm air dried his butt. He pressed the PP button and his butt was powder-puffed. He was still curious about the red button, so he pressed it and he blacked out. When he woke up he was in the emergency room with the same lady standing by his side. He asked her what happened and she replied, "ATR stands for automatic tamopon remover, and your penis is in that cooler over there!"

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:49 AM
"Tight Mini Skirt"

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!!!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was friends."

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:50 AM
"Tiger Woods"

A couple was on their honeymoon, ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband,

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."


The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."


The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."


"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"


"Tiger Woods."


"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"


"Yeah."


"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you

went to bed with him."


The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they

are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.


"What are you doing?" asks the wife.


The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room

service and get something to eat."


"Tiger wouldn't do that."


"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"


"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."


The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to

make love to his wife a second time.


When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.


"Now what are you doing?" she asks.


"I'm still hungry, so I was going to get room service to get

something to eat."


"Tiger wouldn't do that."


"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"


"He'd come back to bed and do it again."


The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to

make love to his wife a second time.


When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over

to the phone and starts to dial.


The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"


"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this

damn hole."

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:51 AM
"bedtime story"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.


"We'll consider the nanny as the Working Class," he went on. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."


So the little boy goes to bed thinking about what dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.


The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."


The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."


The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep ****."

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:56 PM
Zookeeper and Three Boys


A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to.
The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:57 PM
Ladies Bumper Stickers


1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:57 PM
My Wife is Deaf


A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:58 PM
Computer Husband


TO MY DARLING HUSBAND,

I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really was more fun.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster makes you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary

thedrifter
10-09-03, 06:59 PM
A Penthouse In Heaven


The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

thedrifter
10-09-03, 07:00 PM
Sayings That Should Be On Buttons


1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

4. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

6. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

7. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

8. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

9. You! Off my planet!

10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

thedrifter
10-09-03, 07:03 PM
The Lawyer

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered, to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

thedrifter
10-09-03, 07:03 PM
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though
it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl
stated
that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated
that
a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The
little
girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked,
"What
if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


This one is my favorite......
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the
drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused
and
said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat,
or
looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father
and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to
treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy
(the
oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several
strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked
at
her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white,
Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl
thought
about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL
of
grandma's hairs are white?"



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how
nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small
voice
at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's
dead."



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright
in
the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little
fellow
shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
made
a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
all
you want. God is watching the apples."

thedrifter
10-09-03, 07:04 PM
A retired gentleman went to the Social Security
office to apply for
Social
>Security.
>
>After waiting in line a long time he got to the
counter.
>
>The woman behind the counter asked him for his
drivers license to
verify
>his age.
>
>He looked in his pockets and realized he had left
his wallet at home.
>
>He told the woman that he was very sorry but he
seemed to have left
his
>wallet at
>home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
>
>The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens
his shirt
revealing
>lots of curly
>silver hair.
>
>She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me,"
and she
>processed his
>Social Security application.
>
>When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife
about his
experience
>at the
>Social Security office.
>
>She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you
might have gotten
>disability too."

thedrifter
10-09-03, 07:04 PM
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
decided
to kidnap a child
and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy,
took
him behind a tree
and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a
plain
brown bag behind
the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7A.M. Signed, The Blonde." She
pinned the note inside
the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.The next
morning,
she returned to the park
to find the $10,000 in a Brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she
had
instructed. Inside the
Bag was the following note.... "Here is your money. I cannot believe
that
one blonde would do this
to another!

thedrifter
10-10-03, 06:53 AM
"Ducks!"

Three men die and go up to heaven. When they get there God says "You can do anything you want. But if you step on a duck there will be consequences." The first man goes on a walk. When he comes home he has a ugly girl with him. The other two asked him what happened. He replied "I stepped on a duck." The next day another man went for a walk. He also came home with a very ugly girl. When asked what happened, he replied "I stepped on a duck." The next day the other man went on a walk. He came home with a very pretty girl. The other two asked what happened. Before he could reply the girl said "I stepped on a duck!"

thedrifter
10-10-03, 06:54 AM
"Piano-playing dog"

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR WITH A SMALL DOG. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"


The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"


So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Everything from Ragtime to Mozart, and the bartender and patrons are really enjoying the music.


Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.


The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"


The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

thedrifter
10-10-03, 06:55 AM
"The Tax Man Squeezeth"

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny

squeaky voice "I`d like to try the bet."


After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.


But the crowd`s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.


As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a

weight-lifter, or what?"


The man replied "I work for the IRS."

thedrifter
10-10-03, 06:56 AM
"Football"

a big gay biker walked into a bar, and sits down and orders a beer, looking around lonely, he sees a man walk in and sits beside him, the man orders a beer, the biker notices he looks unhappy, so he says he has a game they can play, the man agrees to play,ok heres how it goes says the biker.
it is alot like football, we both chug down our beer and whoever burps louder gets the touch down, and u have to fart for the field goal. the man agrees to play and says "i can do that". So the biker starts off, chuging down his beer and letting out a huge burp, then the other man drinks his beer and burps even louder, ok says the biker u got the touch down, now fart for the field goal. So the man bends over to let out a huge fart when suddenly the biker sticks his penis right up the mans ass and says. Block that kick!!.

thedrifter
10-10-03, 06:57 AM
20

One day a blonde, a brunette and a red head were running away from the cops. They found a farmhouse and went inside looking for a hiding place. The brunette sugested the loft. So up they went. They found 3 potato sacks. They hid in them. The plice chased them into the loft. The police saw the three potato sacks. The policeman kicked the first one. "Meow" said the brunette, making the police think it was a cat. they kicked the second sack. The red head did the same. "Woof" the red head said. Then they kicked the blonde's sack. "Potato, potato" said the blonde. The police instantly opened the sacks and arrested the three. The police lined them up to be shot. First was the brunette. The brunette called out "AVALANCHE!!" the police looked and the brunette ran away. The red head did the same. "FLOOD!!" the red head shouted the police looked and the red head ran away> Now it was the blondes turn. They loaded their guns and were ready. The blonde yelled "FIRE!!" BANG!!

The end of the blonde.

-21

A blonde woman,who was getting tired of all the jokes, decided to take action and once and for all show people that blondes are not stupid after all. The woman studied and memorized all the capitals of all the states. Proud of her accomplishment, she went to a local bar to prove her point to any one interested. After only a short while, sure enough, a blonde joke was told. In her defense she quickly told the person that blondes are not stupid. She then told the person that she knew all the capitals of all of the states. The person said "oh yeah, what is the capitol of Vermont? The blonde quickly replied "V"!!!

-22

One day 1 blonde and two construction workers were sitting on a skyscraper eating lunch. The first construction worker said "if my wife packs me a sandwich again i am going to jump off this building. So the next day his wife packed him a sandwhich and he jumped off the building and died.

The other construction worker said if my wife packs me soup again I'll jump off this building. So the next day his wife packed him soup and he jumped off the skyscraper and died.

The blonde said if my wife packs me a bagel I'll jump off this building. So the next day he jumped off the building and died.

At his funeral his wife was laughing. Everybody asked her why and she replied "My husband packs his own lunch."

-23

A brunette, a red head, and a blond are taking a walk in the woods when they see a bridge over a river. As they get closer the find a little elf who explains that it was a magic bridge, and if you cross it and say something you want to be then you will become it. So the brunette walks across and says bird, and flies away. The red head walks across the bridge and says fish, and proceeds to go into the water and become a fish. Finally the blond walks towards the end of the bridge, but trips and yells ****.

-24

A blonde gets in her car and looks in horror and grabs her cell phone and dials 911. The 911 operator answers and says "911 What is your emergency". She relpies "Help me someone has stolen all of the stuff out of my car". The operator asked her to explain and she says that her dash is gone and her radio is gone and even her foot pedals are gone. The operator tells her that they are on there way and hangs up. About 1 minute later the blonde calls back and says "It's me again, never mind I was in the back seat!"

-25

There was a plane flying through the air, when the captain came over the intercomm.

"the plane is out of control!!! we are about to crash!!!"

this blonde jumped up and said:

"I have had a good life with lots of good sex!!! but i have never felt like a real woman. Is there anybody who can make me fell like a real woman?"

This young 20 something guy stood up and started to walk towards her, unbuttoning his shirt to show his wash board stomach.

the blonde started to breathe deeply in expectation.

He handed her the shirt and said:

"Iron This!"

-26

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Give her a pack of M & M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.

Q: Then what does she ask you?

A: Does M come before W or 3 before E?

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?

A: Tell her she's pregnant

Q:Then what does she ask you?

A: Is it mine?

Q:What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A: Pregnant

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A: A Golden retriever

Q:How do Blonde brain cells die?

A: Alone

Q:What do you call a blonde with a dollar stuck to her forehead?

A: All you can eat under a buck.

Q:How do you brainwash a blonde?

A: Give her a douche and shake her upsidedown

Q:What do you call a bleach blonde who works for MENSA?

A: A peroxymoron

thedrifter
10-10-03, 06:58 AM
"Which Tire Was It?"

A college "boy" and his girlfriend went out the night before their major exams. Both of them were totally ****ed out of their minds when
they got back home. The next day they were so hungover they

missed most of their class. When they finally showed up, their was only 15 min. left in class before papers had to be turned in. They told the professer that their car's tire popped and they couldn't flag down a ride. The professer "uh huhed" with sympathy and told them they could write the exam the next day. The next day they came in and were sent into different rooms. The cover of the test said, "this will determine all I need to know". They opened the test and saw there was only one question. "Which tire was it?"

thedrifter
10-10-03, 06:59 AM
"<<<When the End of the World Arrives, How Will the Media Report It?>>>-"


-USA Today: WE'RE DEAD


-The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS


-National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN


-Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE


-Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE


-Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE


-Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER


-Wired: THE LAST NEW THING


-Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR


-Readers Digest: 'BYE


-Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?


-TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!


-Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!


-America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE


-Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:01 AM
"Cow Economy"

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows... both are mad.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:02 AM
"N/A"

An Arab, a Russian, a Jamaican, and an American are on a boat. The Russian takes out a big flask of vodka, takes a sip, and then throws it over board. The American asks him why he did that. "Where I come from, we have plenty of vodka." Then, the Jamaican takes out a big roll of weed, then smokes a little puff, and throws it over board, and the American asks why he did that. "Where I come from, we have plenty of that." The Russian then asks,"There must be plenty of something where you come from."
The American then throws the Arab over board.

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:04 AM
"there was this little boy"

There was this little boy at school.The teacher asked him what his name was he said I don't know can I go home and ask? The teacher said sure.So he went to home.First he went to his little brothers room he was watching Batman He yelled Batman to the rescue!Then he went to his sisters room she was messing around and said yea yea . Then he went into the living room there he found his dad watching football he said go 49ers then he went to the kitchen his mom had burnt the buns she was making and said my buns are burning my buns are burning.Then he went back to school the teacher asked him what his name was he said Batman to the rescue! She said do you want a paddling yea yea. She said how many? He said go 49ers. Then she said do you have anything to say for yourself?He said my buns are burning my buns are burning!

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:05 AM
"U get1 She gets1 I get1"

A guy and his wife goes to a expensive golfcourse with his wife and says, "Becareful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window." His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house. He says,"Oh no! Better go ask how much it gonna be." So he and his wife goes up to the house and sees the door open. They went inside and sees the ball and a broken glass bottle. A man walks up and says,"Thank you!" So the husband goes, "I'm sorry about the..." And the man interupts, "Oh don't worry. I have to thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see I'm a genie. So you get one wish, she gets one, but you have to give me one." The husband asks for $100million. The man says,"Done." the wife asks for 80 exotic sports cars. Genie says,"Done. Now my wish is to have sex with your wife because you know I've been locked up for so long." They agree since they got all that stuff. And so the man screws the guy's wife. When their done the man asks the wife, "How old is you husband?" She answers, "23." And the man says, "And he still believes in genies?"

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:06 AM
THE PERFECT MAN

The perfect man is gentle

Never cruel or mean

He has a beautiful smile

And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children

And will raise them by your side

He will be a good father

As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking

Cleaning and vacuuming too

He'll do anything in his power

To convey his feelings of love on you.

The perfect man is sweet

Writing poetry from your name

He's a best friend to your mother

And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry

Or hurt you in any way

Oh, **** this stupid poem

The perfect man is gay.

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:07 AM
WHY GOD INVENTED MENOPAUSE

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.


"May we see the new baby?" one asked.


"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."


Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"


"No, not yet," said the mother.


After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"


"No, not yet," replied the mother.


Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"


"WHEN IT CRIES!" she told them.


"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"


"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:08 AM
"How to get the job done by the NYPD"

President Bush worried about the efficiency of his agencies decides to test them. He takes a large area of woodland and fences it off into three equal areas and releases a red squirrel into each. He gives the first area to the FBI, the second to the CIA and the third to the NYPD with the mission of finding the squirrel in a week.
The week elapses and he asks the FBI how they got on. The FBI say that they mobilized the Dept of The Environment, the local police, The Forestry Commission in addition posting wanted signs in local towns and on the tree.

The Squirrel however was still 'at large'. The Spokesman for the CIA is up next and after calling in 'Grey Opps', asked for a napalm strike. The officer then pushes across a clear plastic envelope containing greasy grey ashes saying that they believe that to be Red Squirrel residue.

The President then turns the the Chief of New Police who then nods to a junior officer. The door to the room opens and two police officers walk in holding a handcuffed, bruised and blooded badger between them.

The Chief then jabs his night-stick into the badgers ribs and says "Tell him what you told me". The badger then screams "I'm a red squirrel, I'm a red squirrel!".

Phantom Blooper
10-10-03, 08:06 AM
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new poodles, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Phantom Blooper
10-10-03, 08:09 AM
> >>A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
> >>yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them,
> >>"I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know
> >>what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen
> >>dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a
car
> >>like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the
> >>street," said the boy." I don't know her name-they just moved in. She
saw
> >>me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for
> >>fifteen dollars." "Dear Oh dear," moaned the mother, "she must be a
child
> >>abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and
> >>see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the
> >>house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting
> >>petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had
> >>sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and wanted to know why she did it.
> >>"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
> >>thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii
> >>with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell
> >>his new Porsche and send him the money." "So I did." (Are women good or
> >>what!)

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:09 PM
Contemplating Cats


There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous

"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." --

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:10 PM
Pain in the Side


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:10 PM
For the Sick


A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:11 PM
CTC


Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.

"CTC? Who are they?"

"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:12 PM
Crossing the Road


Traveling down a remote country road one day, a motorist came to a stop in front of a giant puddle covering the entire road. He noticed a farmer leaning on a fence,
contemplating the puddle. "Hey mister, think it's safe to cross?" he yelled.

"Oh, I reckon so." The farmer replied.

The man drove on into the puddle, where his car was immediately swallowed up. The puddle was so deep, he had to escape through the window and swim back to the edge. When he climbed out he was furious with the old farmer. "I thought you said it was safe to cross!"

The farmer stood back and scratched his head. "Well, heck, it only came up chest-high on my ducks!"

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:13 PM
Doggie Quotes


"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." --Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." --Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." --Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." --Aldous Huxley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." --August Strindberg

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" --Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." --Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." --Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. --Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." --Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." --Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." --Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." --Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." --Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." --Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." --Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." --Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:14 PM
An awful breakfast


One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's
runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."

The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. "Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!"

"Why not?" the guest replied. "That's what I got here yesterday!"

thedrifter
10-10-03, 07:16 PM
Attainable Affirmations


The boss giving you a rough time? Just try these "attainable affirmations," and your work week is sure to fly by!

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute...I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

31. To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

Phantom Blooper
10-10-03, 11:18 PM
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as
we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For
those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking
a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop
in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you
did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.
It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet! the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid
being caught doing the WALK OF S HAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does
not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE
CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office
for the Out The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING
FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to
monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the
stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfo
rtable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
ASTAIREA subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are in a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can
poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud s plash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create
a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to ! poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Poop Well and Prosper!

thedrifter
10-11-03, 07:28 AM
"Lion's and Monkeys and Bears"

One day an out of work mime was visiting and hoping to earn some money. The zookeeper explained that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla had died suddenly. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they could get a new one. The mime accepted.

The next morning the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. It was a great job. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he drew bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. But, eventually the crowds tired of him and began to pay more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.


In an effort to recapture their attention, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top of the lion's cage. The lion was mad, but the crowd loved it so much that the zoo keeper came and gave the mime a raise.


Each time the mime taunted the lion, he got bigger and bigger raises. But one day he slipped and fell into the lion?s cage.


The mine ran, but the lion finally caught up with the mime and had him pinned to the ground. The mime was screaming and fighting for his life, yelling ?Someone help me, PLEASE, help me!!!!?


The lion leaned over and said, ?Shut up you moron! Do you want to get us both fired??

thedrifter
10-11-03, 07:28 AM
"Fido"

This guy went to go pick up his date for prom and when he got to the door he realized he really had to fart. He ran the doorbell and the dad answered and said, " Sit down my daughter is still getting ready." When he walked in he noticed a dog sitting by the couch. He thought "Perfect, I could let out my fart a little bit at a time and the dad will think its the dog!" So he sat down and let a little bit out. The dad said,"Fido!" He thought,"Yes, its working!" So he let a little more out. The dad said,"Fido!" Then the guy saw his girlfriend walking down the stairs so he thought I guess I'll just let it all out. So he did. Then the dad said,"Fido, get over here before that guy takes a crap on you!"

thedrifter
10-11-03, 07:29 AM
"Football"

a big gay biker walked into a bar, and sits down and orders a beer, looking around lonely, he sees a man walk in and sits beside him, the man orders a beer, the biker notices he looks unhappy, so he says he has a game they can play, the man agrees to play,ok heres how it goes says the biker.
it is alot like football, we both chug down our beer and whoever burps louder gets the touch down, and u have to fart for the field goal. the man agrees to play and says "i can do that". So the biker starts off, chuging down his beer and letting out a huge burp, then the other man drinks his beer and burps even louder, ok says the biker u got the touch down, now fart for the field goal. So the man bends over to let out a huge fart when suddenly the biker sticks his penis right up the mans ass and says. Block that kick!!.

thedrifter
10-11-03, 07:30 AM
"Texas"

A cowboy has been travelling through the desert for days,tired,hungry and thirsty he come across a little town,now he doesnt realise this town is well known for robbing strangers of there possesions.
So he see's the saloon,ties his horse up and goes in and orders some food and drink.

After filling his belly and quenching his thirst he exits the bar,and to his shock his horse is gone!

The cowboy is very angry and goes back in pulls his gun and perfectly shoots the tops of 10bottles of beer and say's "listen you people if my horse is not outside in 30mins,i will have to do what i did in TEXAS please dont make me do that",so he sits back down,has a drink waits 15min and pulls his gun again and say's "you only have 15mins left"he then shoots the tops of 20 bottles perfectly,well after the 15 min he goes outside and alas there is his horse,he's really happy gets on the horse and is about to ride off when all the people come running out and say "hey mr what happened in Texas"

the cowboy replies"i had to walk home"!

thedrifter
10-11-03, 07:31 AM
The 5 Levels of Drinking

Level 1:

It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have

work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your unemployed

friends. Here at level I you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly. Why, as long as I

get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."


Level 2:

It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against

artificial tuff. You get up to leave again, but at level

2, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with

my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long

as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers), I'm

COOl."


Level 3:

One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes

arguing for artificial tuff. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful

woman I've ever seen!" At level 3, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you

buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get

drinking fantasies (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together

forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level 3, that devil is a little bit

bigger.., and he's buying. And you're thinking

"Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep.., and a complete change

of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."


Level 4:

Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of

rum and a Coke. You are artificial tutti. This time on your way to the bathroom, you

punch the stranger at the end of the bar just because you don't like his face! And now

you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your

friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an at, er

hours bar. And here, at level 4, you actually think to yourself, "Well .... as long as I'm

only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well .... stay up all night!!!! Yeah!

That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith

Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get

31 hours sleep tomorrow ................... cool.


Level 5:

Five in the morning, alter unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo

parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up

across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as that

morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta

be in Hell at nine.I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point,

you're ail drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon

wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday

I'm gonna marry that girlt!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "We're drivin' to

floridaf Y!!!"- and passes out.

You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level 5 -

the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out ora bar in

daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and

they know. And they say... "Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up

ail night, it's like a victory, like you've beat the night.., but if you're over 27, then that sun

is like

God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never

do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that

little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

thedrifter
10-11-03, 07:32 AM
Prime Mates



Two gaymen [Bobby and Peter] are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men [Peter] just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.



The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and has his way with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws Peter back out of the cage



. An ambulance is called and Peter is taken away to the hospital.



The next day Bobby visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"



"AM I HURT?", Peter shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written......."

thedrifter
10-11-03, 07:33 AM
"Did you ever wonder "

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?


Is there another word for synonym?


Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?


When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?


When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?


Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why do they report power outages on TV?


What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?


Is it possible to be totally partial?


What's another word for thesaurus?


If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?


Would a fly without wings be called a walk?


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?


If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?


If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?


If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?


When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?


Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?


If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?


Why is the word abbreviation so long?


When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?


If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

thedrifter
10-11-03, 07:35 AM
"Neighbour's surprise"

John comes home from holidays and almost immediately has another confrontation with his neighbour and long time enemy.

Later, inside and unpacking, he finds a bottle he didn't remember buying. Still it looks good so he gives it polish . . ., and whoosh, out comes a genie.


"Oh holder of the bottle, I grant thee three wishes; but be warned that what you wish for is granted doubly to your greatest enemy."


"Well I wish my last girlfriend would come back and be in love with me again" asks John for his first wish. Hearing his name being called from the next room tells him she's back. John looks out his window and sees his neighbour with two women clearly besotted with him.


"For my second wish, I want a big mansion" says John who goes outside and sees his house has grown into a mansion. The neighbour's house being a mansion twice as big.


At this stage the genie reminds him that his enemy will still get double for the third and final wish.


"Then for my third wish, I want . . . I want you to remove one of my testicles."

thedrifter
10-11-03, 08:06 AM
An elderly lady called Verizon to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always barked before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog and/or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring but the dog barked loudly and then the telephone did ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate on the ground.
4. The wet ground would complete the circuit and the phone would ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just ****ing on them.
Now that's my way of solving problems!

thedrifter
10-11-03, 04:04 PM
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
> their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
>
> "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
> his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
>
> "Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery,
> spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
>
> The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
>
> "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the
> redneck from North Carolina , struck by lightning."
>
> "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
>
> "Thought he was having his picture taken."
>

thedrifter
10-11-03, 04:05 PM
"Fox Hunters"

Old Lem, a hillbilly in the eastern Kentucky mountains, rides up to old Charley's front gate. The gate's about a quarter mile from Charleys house. Seeing Charley on the front porch, Lem yells, "HEY, CHARLEY....LET'S GO FOX HUNTIN'!!" Charley yells back, "OK, I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE!!" In a few minutes, Charley rides his mule down to the gate.....dressed from head to foot in his Sunday go to meetin' best. "What in hell did ye get all dressed up fer to go fox huntin fer?", asked Lem. "FOX HUNTIN'?", asked Charley, "I THOUGHT YOU SAID 'LETS GO **** SUMPTHIN!!"

thedrifter
10-11-03, 04:07 PM
"Kill the bald guy?"

Once there were three babys still inside the uterus of their mother.
They were all talking and wondering what each other was going to be when they grew up.

The first baby said, "I want to be a fireman so I can put fires out."

The next said, "I want to be a carpenter so I can fix this place up."

The last one said, "I want to be a hunter so I can kill that bald headed bastard that keeps popping in and out of here!"

thedrifter
10-11-03, 04:08 PM
"Little Johnny was bad in math"

Little Johny was doing very badly in math. His parents tried everything to help him. Finally, they took him to a loval catholic school. After the first day, little Johnny came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started to study. Books and paper pere spread out all over the room and Johnny was hard at work. His mom was amazed. Later she called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word. In no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. THis went on for some time, day after day, while his mom tried to understand what had brought such a profound difference. Finally, little Johnny brought home his report card. He wuietly laid it on the table, wnt up to his room and hi the books. With great trepidation, his mother looked at the report card. To her surprise, Johnny got an A+ in Math. She could no longer hold her curiosity and she rent to his room and sad, " Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Johnny looked at her and shook his head no. "well then" she asked, "was it the books? Are they better? Was it the disciplin, the structure, uniforms-What was it?" Little Johnny looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

thedrifter
10-11-03, 04:09 PM
"Two boys at religious school"

Two six year old boys were attending religious school and giving hte teachers problems. THe teachers had tried everything to make them behave-time outs, notes home, missed recesses- but could do nothing wiht them. FInally the boys were sent to see the priest. The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "son,do you know where god is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing. THe priest leaned acrossed the desk and asked the same question. The little boy bolted out of the chair and rushed past his friend in the waiting room and ran all the way home. He got in bed and plled the covers up over his head. His friend followed him home. He came into the bedroom and asked, "What happened?"The boy replied, "god is missing and they think we did it!"

thedrifter
10-11-03, 04:10 PM
"The irish diver"

In the olympics it was the diving final, First up was the american Chuck Machiken. He jamp done two front somersaults and landed in the pool slanted. The judges gave 8 for dive 4 for landing and 6 for presentation.

Next the chineseman, winwan fermee steps up. Does a double backflip, four front somersaults, lands in the water with a big splash. The judges award 9 for dive, 8 for landing and 8 for presentation.


Lastly the irish entry, Paddy Mcpotato prepares for his dive. He does 44 twists, 20 double frontflips and 12 backflips, into a pike and lands in the water perfect, not a riplle. the crowd goes wild as he steps up to the judges for his mark. 10 for dive 10 for landing 2 for presentation. the crowd jeers and boos. the irishman asks "Why did i get a 2 for presentation" the judge replies "You only have one welly boot and your duffle coat is buttoned up wrong!

thedrifter
10-11-03, 04:11 PM
"FINAL EXAM"

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.


"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"


A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks,"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"


The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter


When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

thedrifter
10-11-03, 04:12 PM
"Ways To Really Annoy People Big Time"

Ways To Really Annoy People Big Time...

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.


Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".


Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."


If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.


Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.


Speak only in a "robot" voice.


Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.


Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.


Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.


Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.


Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.


Name your dog "Dog".


Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".


Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"


Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".


Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".


Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.


Practice making fax and modem noises.


Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.


Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.


Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.


Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".


Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."


Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.


Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.


Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.


Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.


To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.


Holler random numbers while someone is counting.


Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.

thedrifter
10-11-03, 04:13 PM
Men are like.....
Placemats.They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.

Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.

They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots.

The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.

Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.

If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Bananas.

The older they get, the less firm they are.

thedrifter
10-11-03, 04:13 PM
"PARKING TICKET"

I was having a bad day. For one thing I hadn’t slept well the previous night because of another loud party next door. On top of that, I felt a cold coming on. So I drove to the neighborhood drugstore, and ran in for a couple of minutes, just to get some cough drops. When I came out, there was a cop, writing a ticket for the expired parking meter.

“Give a girl a break, would you?” I asked him. He ignored me and went on writing. I called him a “pencil-necked Nazi.” He glared at me and began writing a second ticket for the expired city sticker. I called him a “horse’s ass,” and he began writing another ticket--for worn tires!!


I didn’t care. It wasn’t my car, but I’d recognized it as my noisy neighbor’s. I take my fun where I can get it.

thedrifter
10-11-03, 04:15 PM
Two lady golfers"

Two lady golfers were about to Tee Off and the one said wait, you may hit one of the men on the green. The lady who was about to tee off said, No way will I drive a ball that far, and she teed off. The lady hit a screamer and with one bounce she hit this man.The man hollered and grabbed his crotch and did a little dance.
The ladys were petrified and jumped into the cart and hurried to the green to apoligize.She said she had never hit a ball that far and was sorry and proceed to rub the mans crotch. After a few rubs she said"There dosen"t that feel better", he replied yes, but my thumb still hurts.

thedrifter
10-11-03, 04:15 PM
"Commentator Slip Ups"

"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)


"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." (New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)


"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)


"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator - good ol' Murray)


"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg Norman)


"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)


"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)


"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)


"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field> " (Metro Radio)


"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)


"What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football? (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)


"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)


"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.....Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!"

(US PGA Commentator)


"For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown" ('Whispering' Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)


True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard!

thedrifter
10-12-03, 08:08 AM
"The Bear And Racoon"

A bear and a racoon were walking through the woods one day. They came across a genie who was lost in the woods. The gennie was so happy with the directions that the animals gave him that he said to them, "I will give you both three wishes each." He turned to the bear first.
The bear (who was really into sex), said, "Ok, ok...I want...All the bears in this forest to be female, except me!" Poof! It was done.

The genie turnned to the racoon. The racoon thought for a minute, and said, "I want a...MOTORCYCLE!"

The bear thought he was crazy, but the genie granted his wish.

Turning back to the bear, he goes, "I wish...the bears in the next forest over were female, too!" POOF! It was done.

The racoon thinks for a minute, and says, "I want a motor cycle HELMET!"

The bear says, "Youi idiot! You could ask for all the money in the world and BUY those things! You're wasting your wishes on JUNK!"

The racoon just shrugged, and POOF!-it was done.

The bear's final wish was, after very little thinking, "I wish all the bears in the whole world (except for me) were female!"

Poof, it was done.

The bear and the Genie look at the racoon expectantly. The racoon got on his motor cycle, strapped on the helmet, and turns it on. He reved the engine and said, "I wish the bear were GAY!" and drives away.

thedrifter
10-12-03, 08:09 AM
"Statues"

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced eachother for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have bought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minuites to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at eachother, ran towards some nearby woods and dove in behind some bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he heard the 2 statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minuites the two emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minuites would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked "Do you want to do it again?"


Smiling, the female statue said, "sure. But this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head!"

thedrifter
10-12-03, 08:10 AM
"Texas"

A cowboy has been travelling through the desert for days,tired,hungry and thirsty he come across a little town,now he doesnt realise this town is well known for robbing strangers of there possesions.
So he see's the saloon,ties his horse up and goes in and orders some food and drink.

After filling his belly and quenching his thirst he exits the bar,and to his shock his horse is gone!

The cowboy is very angry and goes back in pulls his gun and perfectly shoots the tops of 10bottles of beer and say's "listen you people if my horse is not outside in 30mins,i will have to do what i did in TEXAS please dont make me do that",so he sits back down,has a drink waits 15min and pulls his gun again and say's "you only have 15mins left"he then shoots the tops of 20 bottles perfectly,well after the 15 min he goes outside and alas there is his horse,he's really happy gets on the horse and is about to ride off when all the people come running out and say "hey mr what happened in Texas"

the cowboy replies"i had to walk home"!

thedrifter
10-12-03, 08:11 AM
"That'll learn ya! (it's a little long but enjoy)"

This man and his monkey walk into a bar. When the man orders a beer the monkey is off like a shot and eats everthing he can lay his hands on. His eats all the peanuts, all the potato chips and while he's still chewing he walks up to the pool-table. He spends a good 10 minutes staring at the pool-ball until he decides to pick it up and swallows it whole! The bartender is very ****ed and makes the man pay for the ball and get out.
Aweek later the same man and his monkey return to the same bar. The man, again, orders a beer and the monkey is off again to see what he can eat. The monkey goes up to a bowl of cherries, picks up a single cherry, and before he eats it, he sticks it up his ass. The bartender is astonished, "Did you just see what your monkey just did? He stuck a cherry up his sh*t-pipe and then ate it!!" The man says "Ya I know. You see after the pool-ball incident he has learned to measure things!"

thedrifter
10-12-03, 08:12 AM
"Casino Blond"

Two bored casino dealers are standing by the craps table when a blond walks in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. She tells them, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when completely nude". So she takes off everything but her necklace and throws the dice saying, "Come on, come on momma needs a new pair of clothes". She starts yelling, "Yes, Yes, I won, I won!!!" She starts jumping up and down and hugs the two dealers. She then picks up her clothes and money and leaves. The two dealers stand there dumbfounded for a while. Then one dealer says, "What did she roll anyway?" The other says, "I don't know I thought you were watching"

The moral - not all blonds are dumb.

thedrifter
10-12-03, 08:13 AM
"The first MAN blonde joke"

Three guys were construction workers. One a mexican brought burritos in his lunch daily. The other a Scott, brought beans and rice daily. The third, a blonde, brought ham and cheese. Then one day the Mexican said that if he got burritos in his lunch one more time he would jump off a building. The scott agreed, as well did the blonde. The next day, the mexican had a burrito, the Scott had beans and rice and the blonde had ham and cheese. They all jumped off the building.

At the funeral, the Mexicans wife wailed, "oh if only he'd told me! I would have packed him something else!"


The Scotts wife wailed "Oh if only he'd told me! I would have packed him something else!"


The blondes wife said nothing... The Mexican and Scott's wifes turned to look at her and she finally said "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch!!!"

thedrifter
10-12-03, 08:14 AM
"I are a college grad"

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a

smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to

sweep out the store."


"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied

indignantly.


"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here,

give me the broom - I'll show you how."

thedrifter
10-12-03, 08:16 AM
"Fishing Aint so Bad"

One day a priest decided to go down to the dock near his church. He saw a fisherman loading up his boat there. So the priest watched him for awhile. The fiisherman saw the priest and asked him if he wanted to go fishing with him. The priest had nothing to do so he said ok. They went out all day. They only caught one fish all day and it was the priest who caught it. The fisherman said,"That's a big sonofa*****!" The priest was like what did you say. Quickly thinking the fisherman said that is the name of the fish. Later when the priest went back to the church he showed it to the bishop and said look at this sonofa***** I caught. The bishop was like watch you mounth. The priest said no that is the name of the fish. The bishop said ok lets go clean it. They cleaned it and took it to the sister to cook it. She said where did you get the fish from. The priest said I caught the sonofa***** and the bishop cleaned the sonofa*****. The nun was stuned but she cooked it. Later that night the pope came over for diner. After diner he asked where they got the fish from. The priest said,"I caught the sonofa*****." The bishop said,"I cleaned the sonofa*****." Abd the nun said,"I cooked the sonofa*****." Just then the pope sat back in his chair losened his belt and said,"I you mother f*ckers aint so bad after all."

thedrifter
10-12-03, 08:16 AM
"TRICYCLES AND GARAGES"

One day a boy came home and asked his dad what is this. His dad told him that it was his tricycle and to always park it in a girls garage. That same day a girl asked her mom whats this. Her mom told her that it was her garage and to never let a boy park his tricycle in it. The following day their class had show and tell. The boy showed his tricycle and the girl showed her garage. When the girl came home her mom asked why she was a bloody. She told her that the boy tried to park his tricycle in her garage. So I ripped off his two back wheels.

thedrifter
10-12-03, 08:17 AM
"Engineers and Lawyers"

On a college field trip, four Engineering and four Pre-Law students were travelling on the same train. The law students each had a ticket, but the Engineers had but one ticket amongst them. One of the Engineers shouted "conductor's coming!", and the four Engineers crowded into one of the bathrooms. The conductor comes by and knocks on the bathroom door saying "Tickets, please". The Engineers slip their one and only ticket under the door. The conductor punches it an moves on to the next car.

On the return trip, the four Lawyers, impressed by the Engineers' trick, purchase only one ticket. The Engineers, however have no tickets at all!. Suddenly, one of the Engineers shouts "Conductor's coming". All four Engineers head for the bathroom, and all four lawyers crowd into the other one. Then, one of the Engineers slips out of his bathroom and knocks on the other bathroom door saying "Tickets, please". The lawyers then slip their only ticket under the door, and the Engineer then picks up the ticket and joins his friends, waiting for the real conductor.

thedrifter
10-12-03, 08:18 AM
"Genie of the impossible"

ONE DAY A MAN WAS WALKING DOWN THE BEACH AND CAME UPON AN OLD LAMP. REMEMBERING THE STORIES OF HOW THESE LAMPS CONTAIN GENIES, HE BEGAN TO RUB IT AND OUT POPPED A GENIE. THE GENIE,LOOKING ANNOYED, SAID "YOU ARE THE FIFTH PERSON THIS MONTH TO AWAKEN ME AND I AM TIRED OF GRANTING WISHES. I AM GOING TO GRANT YOU ONLY ONE WISH SO MAKE IT A GOOD ONE".THE MAN PONDERED FOR A MOMENT AND FINALLY SPOKE, "I LIKE TO TRAVEL TO HAWAII SO BUILD ME MY OWN PERSONNEL BRIDGE THERE". THE GENIE, IN A BEWILDERED VOICE SAID "YOU MUST BE CRAZY, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BUILD A BRIDGE ACROSS THE PACIFIC OCEAN. DO YOU REALIZE HOW DEEP THE WATER IS? THERE WOULD BE NO WHERE TO ANCHOR THE BRIDGE SUPPORTS. YOU MUST MAKE ANOTHER WISH".
THE MAN THINKS FOR A FEW MINUTES AND THEN TURNS TO THE GENIE AND ASKS "WELL THEN, TELL ME THE SECRET TO SATISFYING WOMEN. I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO KEEP THEM HAPPY AND CONTENT".

THE GENIE LOOKS AT THE MAN AND SAYS " DO YOU WANT THAT BRIDGE FOUR LANES OR SIX LANES.

thedrifter
10-12-03, 08:19 AM
"Cork!"

A man walks into a bar with a cork up his ass. He sits at the bar and the bar tender asks him what he'll have, he says a beer.
This guy then approaches him and asks him why he has a cork up his ass. He replies "I was walking along the beach and I saw a bottle, I picked it up and opened it up. Out came a genie and he said "you have one wish" then I said"NO ****!!!!!!!"

thedrifter
10-12-03, 07:14 PM
"The Canadian and the Prostitutes"

A Canadian Guy hasn't had sex in a long time, and is looking for some prostitutes. He finds a mother and 3 daughters. The mother sends her youngest daughter to do the trick.

so the two of them talk, laugh, have a drink, frolic around, she sits on his lap, and he whispers in her ear...


she yells, "NO!!!" and leaves


the mother then send sout her second youngest daughter, whom is a little more experienced.


so the two of them talk, laugh, have a drink, frolic around, she sits on his lap, and he whispers in her ear...


she yells, "NO!!!" and leaves


By now, the mother is shocked, so she sends her oldest daughter out, who has been known to never say no to any man for anything what-so-ever.


so the two of them talk, laugh, have a drink, frolic around, she sits on his lap, and he whispers in her ear...


she screams, "NO WAY!!!" and slugs him, and storms off.


The mother seems beside herself and decides to go and see what he says for herself


so the two of them talk, laugh, have a drink, frolic around, she sits on his lap, and he whispers in her ear...


..."Can I pay with Canadian Currency?"

thedrifter
10-12-03, 07:14 PM
"Letter From Grandma"

I got a letter from Grandma the other day
She writes...


Dear Grandchild,


The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk "if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it one my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did!


What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is... and I didn't notice the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!


I found that LOTs of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind starting honking like crazy, and then ne leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I share in the celebration. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...


I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably some Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!


A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.


I noticed I was the only car that got though the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.


Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!


Sincerely,

Your Loving Grandmother

thedrifter
10-12-03, 07:15 PM
"THIRSTY?"

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. Unaccustomed to the higher salt content of American foods, the diplomat was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would rush off and return with a glass of water. But then came the time when he returned empty handed.


"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.


"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well!"

thedrifter
10-12-03, 07:16 PM
"Just A Kiss Per Yard"

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl

asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much

does it cost?"


"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.


"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."


With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the

clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly

held it out.


The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man

standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

thedrifter
10-12-03, 07:17 PM
"Dinner With the Girlfriend's Parents!!!"


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the

girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would

like to go out and make love for the first time.


Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so

he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The

pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy

everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms

he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy

insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather

busy, it being his first time and all.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and

meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to

meet my parents, come on in!"


The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the

girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace

and bows his head.


A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his

head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.


Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend

leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you

were this religious."


The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was

a pharmacist.

thedrifter
10-12-03, 07:18 PM
"Online Dating"

Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that

they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat

room for a more intimate correspondence. After months of virtual

kinkiness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a

small cafe.


Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, frail man

with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe.


"Are you Bob?" asked Bunny.


"Yes I am," said Bob.


"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me that you were

tall, dark and handsome."


"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red. "You

told me that you were skinny, blonde, and... female!"

thedrifter
10-12-03, 07:19 PM
DRINKING GUIDE

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward

the ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain About her house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth. Quickly.

thedrifter
10-13-03, 05:56 AM
The Bear and the Atheist
>

>An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created.

>

>"What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

>

>As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him.

>

>He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster,so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet.

>

>But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.

>

>As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

>

>"OH MY GOD!"

>

>Time stopped.......

>

>The bear froze.......

>

>The forest was silent............

>

>Even the river stopped moving.

>

>As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around, "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT?

>

>"AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"

>

>Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

>

>"VERY WELL," said God.

>

>The light went out.

>

>The river ran.

>

>The sounds of the forest resumed...

>

>... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

>

>"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

thedrifter
10-13-03, 05:56 AM
"Bat Bungles"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.


"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.


Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.


"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.


"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.


"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

thedrifter
10-13-03, 05:57 AM
"That'll learn ya! (it's a little long but enjoy)"

This man and his monkey walk into a bar. When the man orders a beer the monkey is off like a shot and eats everthing he can lay his hands on. His eats all the peanuts, all the potato chips and while he's still chewing he walks up to the pool-table. He spends a good 10 minutes staring at the pool-ball until he decides to pick it up and swallows it whole! The bartender is very ****ed and makes the man pay for the ball and get out.
Aweek later the same man and his monkey return to the same bar. The man, again, orders a beer and the monkey is off again to see what he can eat. The monkey goes up to a bowl of cherries, picks up a single cherry, and before he eats it, he sticks it up his ass. The bartender is astonished, "Did you just see what your monkey just did? He stuck a cherry up his sh*t-pipe and then ate it!!" The man says "Ya I know. You see after the pool-ball incident he has learned to measure things!"

thedrifter
10-13-03, 05:58 AM
Our beer,


Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,

I will be drunk,

At home as it is in public

Forgive us this day our daily spillage

As we forgive those who spillest against us.

And lead us not into the practice of sissy wine tasting,

And deliver us from DUI's

For mine is the barley,

The hops and the malt,

Forever and ever;

thedrifter
10-13-03, 05:59 AM
"Texas Fly"

Their was a blond standing at a bus stop She was wearing a tight black leather skirt, shirt, jacket, and black gogo boots.
The bus pulls up.

The blond pays for the ride and goes to get on the bus but discovers that her skirt is to tight and Her foot cannt reach the first step.

The blond is extreamly embarassed so she smiles shyly at the driver and reaches behind her and unzips her fly a little bit hopeing it would give her enough room to move.


The blond trys without success to reach the first step. So the blond reaches behind her and unzips her fly a little more.


This happens three more times.

Than the male texan behind her picks her up and places her on the first step,




The Blond is furious. "How dare you. I don't even know you. I never gave you permission to touch my body."



"Well I'm sorry Miss. But I thoughts we was friends since you kept unzippian my fly."

thedrifter
10-13-03, 05:59 AM
"The Brunette who hated blondes"

One day a brunette was walking thru the woods, when she came upon a magic lamp. She picked it up, and rubbed it. A genie flew out, and said "I will give you three wishes for freeing me. BUT, any wishes you get, three blondes in the world will get double of what you get." Now, the brunette HATED blondes, and so she though carefully. She said, "i wish i had a million dollars." POOF, she got a million, and three blondes got two million. Then she said, "i wish that i had a hott boyfriend." POOF, she got one, three blondes each got two. then, she spent a few minutes thinking about the last wish. She spotted a large stick nearby, and got an idea. She said, "see that stick over there? i wish you would beat me half to death with it."

thedrifter
10-13-03, 06:00 AM
Murphy Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you’d least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn’t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

thedrifter
10-13-03, 06:03 AM
"A 15ft fishin pole and a sandwich"

In 1934 a man named harry went to take a crap in a out house. Well there was a string thing about this out house it had to 2 crap holes. Well he went in and set his jacket down. About 30 minutes later harry was in the other hole with a 15ft fishin pole.johnny came by and asked what the hell are you doing he said i droped my jacket in the hole. john asked r u still gonna wear it?? harry said no im tring to get the sandwich out of the side pocket!!!

thedrifter
10-13-03, 06:04 AM
"The man and the Ostrich"

A man walked into a Wendys with his ostrich and ordered a combo #3 and the woman behind the counter asked "Well what about your ostrich?"
The man said "oh, he'll have a Pepsi"

The woman said "ok that'll be $7.81"

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out exactly $7.81 in change.

The same thing happened 2 more times. Finially the woman asked "How do you keep pulling out the exact right amount in change??"

The man replied "Well I was cleaning out my attic and i found a lamp i rubbed it and a Genie cam out and offered me 2 wishes and my first wish was to have all the money for everything i wanted." The woman said "Ok and the ostrich??"

The man said "I wished for a chick with long legs."

thedrifter
10-13-03, 06:05 AM
"Christian Bear"

One Sunday, a priest decided to skip church and go hunting in the nieghbooring forest. So while he was hunting he saw a gigantic grizzly bear the had stopped to get honey from a beehive. The priest thought the bear was good game, so he clumsily shot at it, and he missed. The bear, startled by the shot, jumped up and started charging at the priest. The priest used his only option: he dropped to his knees and prayed. "Dear God," he said, "Please let this bear be a good christian, a better one than I was." As the bear drew closer, is dropped to its knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal I am about to receive."

thedrifter
10-13-03, 06:05 AM
"Quail Pointing Mule"

A car drives up to a farmer's house, a man gets out, knocks on the door, and the farmer opens it. "A friend told me you have a mule that points quail", said the stranger, "is that true"?? "Sure is", said the farmer, "would you like to see him work?" The strangers said, "Sure". Soon they were walking through a field, when the mule suddenly stopped and struck a beautiful point. The farmer walks ahead of the mule and scares up a big covey of quail. This goes on a half dozen more times...the mule points...the farmer scares up the covey. Finally, the stranger says, "That's enough, I've got to have that mule". "He ain't for sale", said the farmer. I'll give you $50,000.00 for him", said the stranger. Well, the farmer couldn't refuse such a big offer, so he sold him. The next night, the farmer's phone rang...it was the stranger. "What the hell's wrong with this damed mule you sold me?", he screamed..."all he's done all day is stand belly deep in my pond"!! "Well", said the farmer, "I guess I should'a told you......he'd rather fish than hunt."

thedrifter
10-13-03, 06:06 AM
"LAWYER'S GOOD ACTS!"

A famous lawyer dies and he is in front of St. Peter. There is a huge sphere of light in the center of the place. St. Peters asks the lawyer:
-" You want to go to Heaven. Can you tell me any act of kindness that you have ever done?"

The lawyer thinks for a few minutes and all of a sudden he remembers:

-" Oh yes. I remember I once gave 5 dollars to a needy person."

-" Is that all?" Asks St. Peter.

-" Please! Give me a moment." The lawyer knows that HERE ha can't lie and tries hard to remember.

-" YES! YES! I also gave 10 dollars to a charity once!"

St. Peter is going to say someting when suddenly a very deep voice comes from the center of the huge light sphere:

-" Peter! Give the man 15 dollars and tell him to go to HELL!"

Phantom Blooper
10-13-03, 02:38 PM
>JANUARY: Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Homely person. Loyal. Needs to improve social abilities. Easily jealous. Very Stubborn.

>

>FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. itelligent and clever. Changing personality. Temperamental. quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Showing anger easily. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Learns to show emotions.

>

>MARCH: Attractive personality Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

>

>APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling. Friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and the others. Sickness usually of the head and chest.


>MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirit. Spendthrift.

>

>JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating. Tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

>

>JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional. Temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful, forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally.See the best in every one. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observation! Natural sex appeal. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person, waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes lon! ! g to recover.

>

>AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive, charming and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defenses. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and rusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool Kind and sympathetic.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out oncerned and detailed. Trustworthy, loyal and honest. Does work well. Very confidant. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control themselves when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Choosy especially in relationships. Loves wide things. Systematic.


>OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who love her. Loves to takes things at the centre. Attractive and suave. Inner and physical beauty. Does not lie or pretend. Sympathetic. Treats friends importantly.Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel! The arts and literature. Soft-spoken, loving and caring. Romantic!!! Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift and easily influenced. Easily lose confidence. Loves children.

>

>NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted-if there is will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praise. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

>

>DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor.

Phantom Blooper
10-13-03, 06:49 PM
An elderly lady called Verizon to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always barked before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog and/or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring but the dog barked loudly and then the telephone did ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate on the ground.
4. The wet ground would complete the circuit and the phone would ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just ****ing on them.
Now that's my way of solving problems!

thedrifter
10-13-03, 07:01 PM
"A night out at the Strip Joint"

Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym.
His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.

Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab.

Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."

thedrifter
10-13-03, 07:02 PM
Three Men In A Sauna

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a

beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping

stops. The others look at him curiously.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of

my arm."


A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm

to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone.

I have a microchip in my hand."


The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.

In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending

from his ass. The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a fax," he explains.

thedrifter
10-13-03, 07:03 PM
"Keep Wackiness In The Workplace"

10. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they are all present.

9. Schedule meetings for 4:14 PM.


8. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers and tape despensers.


7. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.


6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".


5. When a co-worker walks by, motion him over, lean forward as if you are about to say something then go back to work.


4. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)


3. Send emails to the rest of the company telling them what you are doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."


2. Include a personal note on every email that you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on my Tetris last night."


1. Everytime you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about 10 minutes. Then one day, repeat the falling-over exersize, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."

thedrifter
10-13-03, 07:04 PM
"paper shredder"

so, a seceratary was leaving the office
when she saw the CEO standing in front

of the paper shredder with a piece of

paper in his hand. "Excuse me." said the

CEO, "This is a very important document.

Could you get this thing to work?" so the

seceratary tuned on the machine,

inserted the paper and pressed the start

button and the paper went. "Great," said

the CEO, "I just need one copy."

thedrifter
10-13-03, 07:05 PM
"Funny signs/titles"

These are ACTUAL words in newspapers and on signs, etc:

"A hole has been found in the fence surrounding the Happydale Nudist Colony. Police are looking into it."



"Staten Island Ferry Hits Pie, 18 Injured."



"Eat here and get gas."



"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."



On the All-Season Resort: "Closed for Winter."



"Take notice: when this sign is under water the road is impassable."



"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."



"T-bones 85 cents. With meat $5.95."



On a furniture shop: "male stripper on duty."



On an inn: "Help! We need inn-experienced people!"



"Visit Our Planaterium, You Tiny, Insignificant Speck in the Universe."



On a sleep aid: "Warning: may cause drowsiness."



"Enigizer bunny arrested, charged with battery."



"43.3% of statistics are worthless!"



"If our service does not meet your standards, please lower

thedrifter
10-13-03, 07:06 PM
"Iraq War?"

Saddam gets a phone call from an Irish guy called Paddy. 'what do you want?' he says. Paddy replies that he wants to start a war with Iraq. 'So how many are there of you' replies Saddam. 'Well, there is me, Fred, Joe and the pub darts team' Paddy tells him.
'Well I have 1 million people ready to fight, do you still want a war?' says Saddam. Paddy tells him that he will ring back tommorow.

The next day he rings back and tells Saddam that he is now airborne cause Joe has taped some rifles to his crop sprayer so the war is still on. Saddam replies that he has now got 1.5 million people to fight and has over 1000 planes. Paddy says he will ring back tommorow.

The next day Paddy rings back and warns Saddam that he now has 5 extra people from the pub who are willing to fight in this war and they all have carving knives to fight with so the war is still on. Saddam says he has now got over 2 million fighters in his armies. Paddy says he will ring back tommorow.

The next day Paddy rings up and tells Saddam that the war is off. Saddam asks if he has finally come to his senses. Paddy replies 'Yes, me Fred and Joe were talking in the pub last night and we realised there is no way we can feed 2 million prisoners.

thedrifter
10-13-03, 07:08 PM
"Sports Conclusions"

Read the following statements and the amazing
conclusion:


1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is

Basketball.


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level

employees is Bowling.


3. The sport of choice for front-line workers

is Football.


4. The sport of choice for supervisors is

Baseball.


5. The sport of choice for middle management

is Tennis.


6. The sport of choice for corporate officers

is Golf.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure,

the smaller your balls become.

thedrifter
10-13-03, 07:09 PM
Go Git Yo Mamma

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life.



The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.



The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"



The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."



While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.



They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.



The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma....

thedrifter
10-13-03, 07:09 PM
"The 50's"

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?" Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.


"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"


Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to please repeat himself.


"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"


A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and matching cardigan sweater and announces that she's ready to go. Breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.


About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “Dad, it's called the Twist!"

thedrifter
10-13-03, 07:10 PM
"What A Smart Mother"

John invited his mother over for dinner with his "roommate" Julie. The mother had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.


Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."


About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"


John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."


So he sat down and wrote:


"Dear Mother,


I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."


Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:


"Dear Son,


I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.


Love, Mom"

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:20 AM
Clean Dishes (Cold Water)

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore." Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your ass out of the way!"

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:21 AM
"A Panda joke"

A panda walks into a delicatessan. He
orders a sandwhich and begins to eat

quietly. When the waiter gave him his

check, the panda suddenly stood up and

pulled out a gun, shot out all the

windows, then began to leave the deli, the

manager said "Hey! You have to pay for

all the damage you did AND the

sandwhich!" Then the panda said "Hey!

I'm a panda! Look it up!" So when the

manager got home, he did. The dictionary

said "Panda: a bear-like creature with

black and white markings on its face.

Lives in China. Eats shoots and leaves."

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:22 AM
"Peg leg pirate"

So, there is this guy who goes into a bar.
He sits next to a pirate with a peg leg, a

hook, and a patch over one of his eyes.

Curious the man asks the pirate,"Soooo,

how did you get that leg there?" The

pirate replies," Arr, me alligator bit it off."

So then, after working up his courage

again, the man asks the pirate," Well,

how did you get that fancy hook there?"

The pirate pauses and then say's, "Aye,

lost it in one of me sword fights!" Now the

guy is pretty used to talking to the pirate

so he asks about the eye patch. The

pirate looks a tad bit redder than before

but replies,"A seagull pooped on me eye

when I was looking up."

"You lost your eye because a seagull

pooped in it!?" blurted the shocked man.

"No, it was the first day with me hook."

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:23 AM
"Yuk!!"

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife. "He did," says the drunk. "But he **** in my pants too."

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:24 AM
"Ransom"

A blonde finds a kid ata park and gives him a note. It says, "Your son has been kidnapped, leave 10,000 dollars in a bag at the oak tree near the swings. Signed, The Blonde" "Go give this to your mommy", she says.
The next day she finds the money in the bag along with a note it says...

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO A FELLOW BLONDE?

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:25 AM
Subject: Flight protocol
>

> A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in

> Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class

> section and sits down. The flight attendant watches

> her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then

> tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that

> she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies

> "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to

> Montreal and I'm staying right here!"

>

> The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells

> the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo

> sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and

> won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes

> back to the blonde and tries to explain that because

> she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and

> return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde,

> I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying

> right here!"

>

> The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should

> have the police waiting when they land to arrest this

> blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot

> says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm

> married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'!" He goes back

> to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says

> "Oh, I'm sorry". . .gets up and moves back to her seat

> in the Economy section. The flight attendant and

> co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make

> her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class

> isn't going to Montreal."

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:27 AM
"How To Build A Web Page In 25 Steps"


1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.


2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.


3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.


4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.


5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.


6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.


7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.


8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.


9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.


10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.


11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.


12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.


13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.


14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number -16.3 E10" - 3 hours.


15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.


16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.


17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.


18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.


19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.


20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.


21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes.


22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes.


23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.


24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.


25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity.

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:28 AM
"They're my cookies!"

One day a grandpa and his grandson were out fishing and the grandpa whips out a cigarette and starts smoking it. The grandson eagerly asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette?" The grandpa replies, "Can you touch your ass with your dick?" "No." Replies the grandson. "Then you can't have one."
Later, the grandpa gets out a beer and starts drinking it. The grandson eagerly asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The grandpa replies, "Can you touch your ass with your dick?" "No." Replies the grandson. "Then you can't have one."

Later that night, the grandson whips out his cookies. Eagerly, the grandpa asks, "Can I have a cookie, grandson?"

The grandson says, "Can you touch your *** with your dick?" "Yes" said the grandpa.

The grandson says "Then go **** yourself, these are my cookies!"

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:29 AM
"THE DRAWMING MAN"

THERE WAS A MAN IN THE OCEAN. HE WAS DRAWMING AND SAID A PRAYER ... ( GOD PLEASE HELP ME SEND A BOAT OR PLANE OR ANYTHING ) 2 MINUTES LATER A MAN IN A SHIP COMES AND SAYS DO YOU NEED ANY HELP... THE MAN IN THE OCEAN SAYS NO I HAVE FAITH IN GOD! COUPLE MORE MINTUES A HELICOPTER COMES AND SAYS DO U NEED ANY HELP... THE MAN IN THE OCEAN SAYS NO I HAVE FAITH IN GOD...... SO THE MAN DIES AND HE'S IN HEAVEN AND HE SAYS GOD.. I PRAYED AND PRAYED FOR YOU TO HELP ME I HAD FAITH IN YOU!! GOD SAYS WELL! I SENT A SHIP AND A HELICOPTER FOR YOU !!

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:08 PM
"New rule in Heaven"

HEAVEN IS GETTING TO FULL SO GOD MAKES UP A NEW RULE THAT THE DAY U DIE HAS TO BE A BAD ONE OR U CANT GET INTO HEAVEN. SO A GUY DIES AND GOD SAYS 2 HIM U KNOW THE NEW RULE WHAT WAS UR DAY LIKE AND THE MAN SAYS WELL I CAME HOME ONLY 2 FIND MY WIFE LYING NAKED ON THE BED AND TELLING ME SHES BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR! WHATS MORE IS THAT THE GUYS SHES HAVING IT WITH IS STILL IN THE HOUSE!! SO I SEARCH THE WHOLE HOUSE LOOKING FOR HIM AND I FINALLY GO OUT ONTO THE BALCONY AND I SEE THIS GUY NAKED HANGING OFF OUR 25 STORY BALCONY SO I JUMP ON HIS FINGERS AND HE FALLS, BUT HES NOT DEAD SO I THROW OUT FRIDGE ON HIM, AND IT WAS ALL SO MUCH I HAD A HEART ATTACK AND DIED

GOD SAYS: THATS A BAD DAY U MAY ENTER


ANOTHER GUY DIES AND GOD SAYS U KNOW THE RULE WHAT WAS UR DAY LIKE AND THE GUY SAYS WELL I WAS HAVING A SHOWER AND I WALKED OUT ONTO THE BALCONY WITH MY TOWEL WRAPPED AROUND ME AND I SLIPPED I FELL DOWN ONTO MY NEIGHBOURS BALCONY BELOW SO IM HANGING BY MY FINGERTIPS OFF THIS 25 STOREY BUILDING AND THIS FREAK COMES OUT AND STARTS JUMPING ON MY FINGER SO I LET GO AND FALL BUT IM NOT DEAD BUT THEN THE FREAK THROWS HIS FRIDGE ON TOP OF ME SO I DIE


GOD SAYS THATS A BAS DAY U MAY ENTER


ANOTHER GUY DIES AND GOD SAYS U KNOW THE NEW RULE WHAT WAS UR DAY LIKE?

AND THE GUY SAYS PICTURE THIS IM STANDING NAKED IN A FRIDGE.....

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:08 PM
"Hey Mom!"

There was a young couple living in a Nudist Colony when one day, their five year old son comes running up to his Mother.
"Hey Mommmy!", said her son, "Those things that Women have on their chests..how come some are bigger and some are smaller?"

Thinking a moment his mother said, "Well son, the bigger they are the dumber the woman is."

"oh", said her son,"Well, what about those things men have between their legs? How come some of THEM are bigger and some are smaller?"

"Well son", said the mother, "It's just the opposite. The bigger they are the smarter the man is."

Puzzled, the mother asked, "Why do you ask son?"

"Oh..well I just saw Daddy out back talkin' to this REALLY dumb woman and he's gettin smarter and smarter!"

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:10 PM
3 men in a plane"

3 men are in plane: a Spanish man, a French man, and aa American man. The first day, the plane flies over Spain. The Spanish man says "I love my country so much, I'm gonna drop a penny onto it." So he does. When the plane lands to let him off, he sees a man crying. He asks him why and he says "A penny
fell from the sky and killed my wife!" The next day the plane was flying over France and the French man said, "I love my county so much, I'm gonna drop 2 pennies on it." So he did. When the plane landed, he saw a woman crying and asked her why. "2 pennies fell from the sky and killed my son and daughter!" The next day the plane was flying over America and the American man said "I hate my country so much, I'm gonna drop a bomb on it!" So he did. When the plane landed he say a boy laughing and asked why. The boy said, "I farted and my house blew up!!"

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:11 PM
"Little Charlie"

Two little boys are looking down at a cat house. They sit there watching men go in and see all the money beeing counted. They watch the men pour out with smiling faces.

First boy-I wonder what makes those men smile.


Second boy-Well, lets count our money and go see what makes them smile.


First boy-We have fifty-cents all together.


Second boy-I'll go and find out what they are smiling about while you stay here.


The second boy goes into the cathouse and says to the head mistress,"I want fifty cents worth of whatever is making all these men smile." The woman takes him into one of the rooms and she takes her clothes off. She starts coming toward him anmd he runs out of the cathouse screaming.


First boy-What was it?


Second boy-I don't know, but I sure as hell don't want a dollars worth of it.

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:12 PM
"Ways to keep a healthy level of insanity"

Put a trash can on you desk and put a sign on it that says "IN"

Sit in your car on your lunch break, wear sunglasses, and point a hairdryer at people. See if they slow down.


Page yourself over the intercom, but don't duisguise your voice.


Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks until your sure everyone is over their caffeine addictions, then switch to espresso and see what happens.

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:13 PM
"Mickey and Minnie's Divorce"

Mickey Mouse wants to divorce Minnie Mouse.
Mickey goes to see his lawyer and tells him exactly why he wants to divorce her.

The lawyer sayd to Mickey: "You cannot divorce Minnie because she is mentally ill."

Mickey quickly replies: " I did not say that she was mentally ill, I said that she was ****in' Goofy!"

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:14 PM
"School days"

George W. was visiting a Florida elementary school while a fifth grade class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr.Bush if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy."

Mr.Bush asks the class for "an example of a tragedy."


One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."


"No," says George W. "that would be an accident."


A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."


"I'm afraid not," explained George W. "that's what we would call a Great Loss."


The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.


Mr.Bush searches the room, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"


Finally, in the back of the room a small boy raises his hand, in a quiet voice he says, "If you and your lawyers, Mr.Bush were to be eaten by a pack of hungry 20 foot alligators, that would certainly be a tragedy."


"Fantastic," exclaims George W., "that's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"


"Well," says the boy, "it must be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:15 PM
"Hu's on First"

We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What¡¦s happening?


Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.


George: Great. Lay it on me.


Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.


George: That¡¦s what I want to know.


Condi: That¡¦s what I¡¦m telling you.


George: That¡¦s what I¡¦m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?


Condi: Yes.


George: I mean the fellow¡¦s name.


Condi: Hu.


George: The guy in China.


Condi: Hu.


George: The new leader of China.


Condi: Hu.


George: The Chinaman!


Condi: Hu is leading China.


George: Now whaddya¡¦ asking me for?


Condi: I¡¦m telling you Hu is leading China.


George: Well, I¡¦m asking you. Who is leading China?


Condi: That¡¦s the man¡¦s name.


George: That¡¦s who¡¦s name?


Condi: Yes.


George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?


Condi: Yes, sir.


George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.


Condi: That¡¦s correct.


George: Then who is in China?


Condi: Yes, sir.


George: Yassir is in China?


Condi: No, sir.


George: Then who is?


Condi: Yes, sir.


George: Yassir?


Condi: No, sir.


George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.


Condi: Kofi?


George: No, thanks.


Condi: You want Kofi?


George: No.


Condi: You don¡¦t want Kofi.


George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.


Condi: Yes, sir.


George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.


Condi: Kofi?


George: Milk! Will you please make the call?


Condi: And call who?


George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?


Condi: Hu is the guy in China.


George: Will you stay out of China?!


Condi: Yes, sir.


George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.


Condi: Kofi.


George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.


(Condi picks up the phone.)


Condi: Rice, here.


George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:16 PM
"Car women and two guys"

There was a lady driving down a highway when her tire blew. She pulled the car over got out and following her were two men with nothing on but rain coats. As she was fixing the tire they kept on opening and closing their rain coats at traffic that came by. A police man pulled over and asked the women if she needed any help she said no then he asked her if she knew the two men with nothing on but raincoats..... She said of course!, their my emergncy flashers!!

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:17 PM
"Men and Women Compared"

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately call each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:19 PM
"Commentator Slip Ups"

"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)


"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." (New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)


"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)


"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator - good ol' Murray)


"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg Norman)


"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)


"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)


"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)


"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field> " (Metro Radio)


"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)


"What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football? (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)


"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)


"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.....Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!"

(US PGA Commentator)


"For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown" ('Whispering' Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)


True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard!

thedrifter
10-14-03, 06:19 PM
"Sports Conclusions"

Read the following statements and the amazing
conclusion:


1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is

Basketball.


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level

employees is Bowling.


3. The sport of choice for front-line workers

is Football.


4. The sport of choice for supervisors is

Baseball.


5. The sport of choice for middle management

is Tennis.


6. The sport of choice for corporate officers

is Golf.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure,

the smaller your balls become.

thedrifter
10-15-03, 06:49 AM
The Secret Diary of a Cat

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in

attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....

thedrifter
10-15-03, 06:50 AM
"Ducks in Heaven"

Three men die and go to Heaven. When
they get there, St. Peter is standing at the

gates of Heaven. He says, "Now you may

enter Heaven. But you must promise not

to step on any ducks." So they all

promised not to step on any ducks. The

gates of Heaven opened.

To their horror the grounds are covered

with ducks.

After 5 minutes the first man stepped on a

duck.Instantly St. Peter appeared and

tied an ugly women to him and said, " For

your punishment you are now bound

together for all eternity.


After 10 minutes the second man

stepped on a duck , again, instantly St.

Peter appeared with an even uglier

women and again, ties them both

together and condemnes them for all

eternity.


The third man was terrified. He

tookspecial precautions not to step on

any ducks. If there is one thing he hates

it's an ugly woman. On the one year

aniversary of his arrival St. Peter comes to

him and leads him to a beach at sunset

where he meets the most beautiful

woman in the world. He says to St.

Peter," What have I done to deserve this?"

"I don't know about you ", said the women,

"But I stepped on a damn duck!"

thedrifter
10-15-03, 06:52 AM
"Texas"

A cowboy has been travelling through the desert for days,tired,hungry and thirsty he come across a little town,now he doesnt realise this town is well known for robbing strangers of there possesions.
So he see's the saloon,ties his horse up and goes in and orders some food and drink.

After filling his belly and quenching his thirst he exits the bar,and to his shock his horse is gone!

The cowboy is very angry and goes back in pulls his gun and perfectly shoots the tops of 10bottles of beer and say's "listen you people if my horse is not outside in 30mins,i will have to do what i did in TEXAS please dont make me do that",so he sits back down,has a drink waits 15min and pulls his gun again and say's "you only have 15mins left"he then shoots the tops of 20 bottles perfectly,well after the 15 min he goes outside and alas there is his horse,he's really happy gets on the horse and is about to ride off when all the people come running out and say "hey mr what happened in Texas"

the cowboy replies"i had to walk home"!

thedrifter
10-15-03, 06:52 AM
"At Odds"

A local bookie was given a parrot in lieu of cash payment. The bird's vocabulary included choice phrases in English, French, Spanish and German. Sensing a winner, the bookie hauled the bird off to his favorite bar.

"He speaks four languages," the bookie explained to the bartender, who snorted in disbelief. "Wanna bet on it?" the bookie challenged.


Annoyed, the bartender finally agreed to a ten dollar wager. The bookie turned to the parrot and said, "Parlez-vous francais?" There was no response.


Nor was there any reply to the question in English, Spanish and German. The bartender picked up the bookie's $20 bill from the bar and went about his business.


On the street, the bookie glared at the bird. "You fink!" he exclaimed. "I had 20 bucks riding on you and you clammed up on me. I oughta strangle you!"


"Don't be a jerk," the parrot replied. "Just think of the odds you'll get tomorrow."

thedrifter
10-15-03, 06:54 AM
"Ransom"

A blonde finds a kid ata park and gives him a note. It says, "Your son has been kidnapped, leave 10,000 dollars in a bag at the oak tree near the swings. Signed, The Blonde" "Go give this to your mommy", she says.
The next day she finds the money in the bag along with a note it says...

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO A FELLOW BLONDE?

thedrifter
10-15-03, 06:54 AM
"Flight Protocol"

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in

> Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class

> section and sits down. The flight attendant watches

> her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then

> tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that

> she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies

> "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to

> Montreal and I'm staying right here!"

>

> The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells

> the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo

> sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and

> won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes

> back to the blonde and tries to explain that because

> she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and

> return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde,

> I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying

> right here!"

>

> The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should

> have the police waiting when they land to arrest this

> blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot

> says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm

> married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'!" He goes back

> to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says

> "Oh, I'm sorry". . .gets up and moves back to her seat

> in the Economy section. The flight attendant and

> co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make

> her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class

> isn't going to Montreal."

thedrifter
10-15-03, 06:55 AM
Joke Written By and For Retards

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday." The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

thedrifter
10-15-03, 06:57 AM
"A 15ft fishin pole and a sandwich"

in 1934 a man named harry went to take a crap in a out house. Well there was a string thing about this out house it had to 2 crap holes. Well he went in and set his jacket down. About 30 minutes later harry was in the other hole with a 15ft fishin pole.johnny came by and asked what the hell are you doing he said i droped my jacket in the hole. john asked r u still gonna wear it?? harry said no im tring to get the sandwich out of the side pocket!!!

thedrifter
10-15-03, 06:58 AM
"Ethnic Fish"

A group of biologists got together in hopes of producing an untimate sport fish. The decided to cross-breed a coho salmon, a walleye pike and a musky. After years of experimenting they finally produced one egg which hatched a newly "invented" fish. "Success" they began yelling while congradulating each other. "Wait" one of the scientists statee> "What will we call this fish?" They all got together in at attempt to pool their minds and come up with a meaningful name. The lead person the the group stated, "let's see, we had a coho, a walleye and a musky; we'll take part of each of those names to come up with a name for this new breed". He continued, "co" for coho, "wall" for walleye and "skI" for musky. "That's it........KOWALSKI". He gently picked up the fish and palced it in an aquarium. Kowalski sunk to the bottom and drowned.

thedrifter
10-15-03, 06:59 AM
"TRICYCLES AND GARAGES"

One day a boy came home and asked his dad what is this. His dad told him that it was his tricycle and to always park it in a girls garage. That same day a girl asked her mom whats this. Her mom told her that it was her garage and to never let a boy park his tricycle in it. The following day their class had show and tell. The boy showed his tricycle and the girl showed her garage. When the girl came home her mom asked why she was a bloody. She told her that the boy tried to park his tricycle in her garage. So I ripped off his two back wheels.

thedrifter
10-15-03, 07:00 AM
"Irish shipwreck"

Two Irishmen are the only survivors in a shipwreck.Floating helplessly in a lifeboat they come across a lamp floating in the ocean. Paddy reaches out and grabs the lamp and after rubbing it a genie appears. The genie immediately says "you are granted one wish". Paddy and Mickey both look at each other in astonishment then Paddy yells "make the whole ocean into the best tasting beer ever". With the clap of his hands and a thunderous crash the ocean becomes the finest brew known to man.With the suds gently lapping against the sides of the boat,Mickey with an angry roar yells "Oh! Thats great.Now we have to **** in the boat!"

Phantom Blooper
10-15-03, 07:06 PM
> >> For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating
> >> marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be
> >> trained
> >> for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates
> >> degree....
> >>
> >>
> >> TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six
> >> mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an
> >> associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look
> >> over the program outline.
> >>
> >> FIRST YEAR
> >>
> >> Autumn Schedule:
> >>
> >> MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
> >> MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
> >> MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
> >> MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas
> >>
> >> Winter Schedule:
> >>
> >> MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
> >> MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM
> >> MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
> >> EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
> >> EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
> >> ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers
> >>
> >> Spring Schedule:
> >>
> >> MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
> >> MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
> >> ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers
> >>
> >> SECOND YEAR
> >>
> >> Autumn Schedule:
> >>
> >> SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
> >> SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
> >> MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
> >>
> >> Elective (See Electives Below)
> >>
> >>
> >> Winter Schedule:
> >>
> >> MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
> >> MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
> >> MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
> >> MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
> >> MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
> >>
> >> Spring Schedule:
> >>
> >> MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
> >> MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
> >> MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
> >> MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
> >> MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
> >>
> >> Course Electives:
> >>
> >> EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
> >> EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
> >> EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
> >> MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
> >> MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
> >> MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
> >> ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
> >>
> >> Just a thought for all the women out there...- MENtal illness,
> >> MENstrual
> >> cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)
> >>
> >> Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to
> >> all of
> >> the women you know (and men with a sense of humor) and brighten
>their
> >> day!!!...and when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy!!

Phantom Blooper
10-15-03, 07:09 PM
Sex in Heaven

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was

no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true

to his word, he made contact.... "Mary...Mary...." "Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes Mary, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have
sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then

sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, have sex until late at night.

The next day it starts again." "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly -- I'm a rabbit in Idaho!"


:banana:

Phantom Blooper
10-16-03, 05:06 AM
An older couple decides to retire for the evening. The husband was almost asleep as his head hit his pillow, but his wife felt a little romantic and wanted to talk. She says, "You know, when we were courting, you liked to hold my hand". Wearily, he reaches across and holds her hand for a few seconds, and then tries to get back to sleep. A few moments later she says, "After that, you used to kiss me softly". Mildly irritated, he turns over and gives her a peck on the cheek and again settles down for the night. Thirty seconds later she says, "Then after that, you used to bite me lightly on my neck". Angrily, he throws back the bed covers and gets out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asks. "To get my teeth!"
:D

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:03 AM
Molly's in heat

Little Johnny came in from school and asked if he could take his dog, Molly, for a walk.

"You can't dear, Molly's in heat," said the mother.

"What's heat, Momma?" asked Johnny.

"Your dad is out in the garage. You better go ask him," said Momma.

"Hey Daddy, I want to take Molly for a walk, but Momma says I can't cause she's in heat. What's heat?"

His dad was cleaning his tools in some gasoline. He took a rag, dipped it in the gasoline and rubbed it all over Molly's rear end. "Don't worry about it, son. This will fix her." With that, Little Johnny took Molly for the walk.

About twenty minutes later he returned without the dog.

"Where's Molly?" his dad asked.

"She ran out of gas about two blocks away, Daddy," answered Little Johnny,

"But don't worry: one of the neighbor's dogs is pushing her home."

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:03 AM
"donkey dance"

One day there was a farmer in his feild with his pet donkey.

The farmer said to his friend "i'll give you anything if you can make my donkey laugh and cry"


His friend said ok. With that he walked up to the donkey and whispered something in his ear. Sure enough the donkey started to laugh.


"Wow" said the farmer, "now make him cry"


With that his friend walked up to the donkey and did a little dance. Sure enough the donkey cried.


"Wow" said the farmer you made him cry, "tell me how you did it, how did you make him laugh"


His fiend replies "i told him that my coc was bigger than his"


"How did you make him cry" asked the farmer

The friend replies "i showed him!!!"

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:05 AM
"Peg leg pirate"

So, there is this guy who goes into a bar.
He sits next to a pirate with a peg leg, a

hook, and a patch over one of his eyes.

Curious the man asks the pirate,"Soooo,

how did you get that leg there?" The

pirate replies," Arr, me alligator bit it off."

So then, after working up his courage

again, the man asks the pirate," Well,

how did you get that fancy hook there?"

The pirate pauses and then say's, "Aye,

lost it in one of me sword fights!" Now the

guy is pretty used to talking to the pirate

so he asks about the eye patch. The

pirate looks a tad bit redder than before

but replies,"A seagull pooped on me eye

when I was looking up."

"You lost your eye because a seagull

pooped in it!?" blurted the shocked man.

"No, it was the first day with me hook."

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:05 AM
Induced Vomiting

Two police officers were walking down the street one night and turned a corner to see two men on the sidewalk.

One was on his hands and knees naked, and the other was behind him with two fingers up his ass

One of the policeman said to the second fellow, "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to make my buddy throw up," the guy explained. "He's incredibly drunk, and it isn't safe."

The second officer said, "You'll never make him sick that way."

The friend said, "I will when I stick my fingers in his mouth."

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:06 AM
Did you Try Toilet Paper?

There is this couple, and the wife is very self conscious. She is always asking her husband if she is still pretty, if she is too fat, and if her boobs are okay. Well, one day she is standing in front of the mirror naked and asks her husband, 'Honey, are my boobs too small? 'No, honey, they are fine.' He replies. 'Are you sure?'' Yes, but if you want to make them bigger, then why don't you try rubbing toilet paper between them. 'So for the next couple of weeks the wife rubs toilet paper between her boobs several times a day. At the end of a couple of weeks she gets in front of the mirror again. 'Honey, where did you get the idea that this toilet paper thing would work? 'Well, you have been rubbing toilet paper between your ass all these years and that's getting bigger!'

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:07 AM
"The Blonde and the car"

Once there were two blondes sitting in a parking lot trying despratly to get the doors of their car unlocked with their keys inside. They tried a coat hanger, pins, ect.. Then it started raining. The one said to the other,"Hurry! It's raining and the top's down!"

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:08 AM
Revocation of Independence

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium" . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for "****"

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:08 AM
"I are a college grad"

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a

smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to

sweep out the store."


"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied

indignantly.


"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here,

give me the broom - I'll show you how."

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:09 AM
"way things work"

True story: While fishing with a young cousin on a large lake in cannada he asked me,"why do they call trees trees,why do they call fish fish?" I shrugged and said,"why do they call it water? why is north north, instead of south?" his eyes grew large and he said"you know what, some times I think so hard my brain hurts!"

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:10 AM
"Yo !"

This is actually a riddle.

Three people went fishing and each caught one fish each. There were 2 mothers and 2 daughters. How is this possible ?




One was a grandmother, one was a mom, and one was a daughter.

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:11 AM
Sexual Exhaustion Excuse

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. ”But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?”

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:12 AM
"The Statues"

In a beautiful little wooded park, there were 2 statues; a man and a woman, at opposite sides of a circular patio area. They were both nude statues, facing each other. All at once, a genie appears in the center of the patio. He looks at both statues, and waves his magic hands and the statues both become living, breathing beings. They walk toward the middle and meet the genie. The genie says 'I'm just having some fun, and I thought you would like some fun, too. So enjoy yourselves. You will turn back into statues in one hour. Bye-Bye!' Then the genie disappears. The man and woman look at each other. The man says' I hope you're thinking the same as me!' 'I certainly am!' she replied, and they disappeared into the bushes. A half hour later, they are smoking cigarettes on a park bench. 'That was wonderful' said the man. 'It was something I've always dreamed about, staring across at you all these years' said the woman. 'We still have a half hour, you want to go for it again?' he asked. 'Yes!' she said, 'but this time, you have to hold the pigeon, and I get to **** on it.'

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:25 PM
The talking clock...

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends
late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-
shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another
for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You ******* ...
it's ten past three in the morning!"

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:26 PM
A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at "Lovers'
Cove" where they were making out.

The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he
would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

"NO!" yelled the blond.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty
hot and the guy thought he would try again.

"NO!" the blond yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy
even had her pants unzipped. "Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?" asked the guy.

"For the last time, NO!" said the blond.

Frustrated, the guy asked, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde looked at him and said, "Because I wanna stay up here
with you."

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:27 PM
Drinking Buddies


Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the Stairs, get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"



His buddy looks at him and says, Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on
the ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:28 PM
"Fire!"

Three men were arrested for stealing cars.
Their sentance was to be shot.


The first man was about to be shot, so he pointed behind the people who were going to shoot him and yelled "Flash flood!"

The people who were about to shoot him looked towards the direction he was pointing and he ran away, escaping his punishment.


It was the next man's turn. Like the first man, he pointed behind the people who were about to shoot him, but he yelled "Tornado!"

The people who were about to shoot him looked towards the direction he was pointing and he ran away, escaping his punishment.


The last man was about to be shot. Like the first to men, he pointed behind the people who were about to shoot him, but he yelled "Fire!" and everyone shot him.

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:30 PM
A taxidermist
is on vacation down south. He is feeling

a little thirsty and decides

to have a few drinks at the

nearest tavern. Upon entering the tavern,

the conversation

stops and all eyes turn to him.


Feeling a little uneasy,

he makes his way to the bar to

order a beer. The bartender serves him

and says, "Ya'll

ain't from 'round these parts, is ya?"


Guy: "No...I

am from Connecticut."


Bartender: "What is it you do up there in Connecticut?"

Guy: "Well, I am a taxidermist."


Bartender: "A taxidermist...Hey Al, you ever hear of a taxi-

dermist?"

Al: "No, never heard of it."


Bartender: "So Mr. Taxidermist, what is it you do exactly?"

Guy: "Well, I mount dead animals."


Bartender: "It's OK boys--he's one of us!"

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:31 PM
"DRS. APPOINTMENT"

In Melbourne, Florida one of the radio stations paid money ($100 to
$500)

for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the

winner $500.......


I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist

when

early one morning received a call from the doctor's office. I had been

rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had just packed

everyone

off to work and school and it was around 8:45 a.m. already. The trip to

the

doctor's office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time

to

spare. As most women do, I am sure, I like to take a little extra

effort

over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be

able

to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my robe, wet

the

wash cloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink,

taking

extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth

in the

hamper, put on my clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my

appointment. I

was in the waiting room only a few minutes when the doctor called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the

table,

looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii

or

some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little

surprised

when the doctor said, "My....we've taken a little extra effort this

morning,

haven't we?"... but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a

sigh

of relief and went home.

The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the

evening

meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening, my 14-year-old daughter was getting

ready

to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom -

where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another one from

the

linen closet. She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by

the

sink - it had all my glitter and sparkles in it for the dance tonight"

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:32 PM
International Bar


What is the difference between an Indian and Pakistani in

the following joke conundrum:?

.

An insect falls into a mug of beer...

.

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the

Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.

.

Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his

beer - Relates the issue to Kashmir - Asks the Chinese for

Military aid - Takes a loan from the American to buy one

more mug of beer.

thedrifter
10-16-03, 07:33 PM
Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem:

__________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

__________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

__________________________________________

__________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__

B. Minor__

C. Minor__

D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__

B. Frozen__

C. Hung__

D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

_________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem

occurred?

__________________________________________________ ____

17. If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.

__________________________________________________ ______________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes_

thedrifter
10-17-03, 06:41 AM
"the little bird who didn't fly north for the winter "

Once there was a little bird who decided
not to fly south for the winter.


But the weather became so harsh that the

little bird reluctantly had to leave. He was

flying and the ice was forming on its

wings and beak. Down the little bird

plunged into a pasture. A wandering by

cow crapped on the little bird. The little

bird thought it was the end but thhe warm

manure defrosted its wings and so the

bird started to sing. Just then a nosy cat

heard the noice and went to investigate.

the cat pushed away the manure and ate

the little bird.


The moral of this story is...


Any one who craps on you is not

nessicarily your enemy.


Any one who pulls you out of a pile of crap

is not nessicarily your friend.


And if your warm and happy and in a pile

of **** keep your mouth shut.

thedrifter
10-17-03, 06:42 AM
"Bearly Laughing"

In Alaska's National Forests, a tour guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory.

"Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic," he explained.


To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence.


"Also," he added, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings."


One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"


"Oh that's easy," the guide explained, "they're the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"

thedrifter
10-17-03, 06:43 AM
"Tequllia And Tall Buildings Dont Mix"

These two guys (as drunk as the bush twins) are sitting in a bar. One turns to the other and says "You know, there's this one area on the top of the Empire State Building where the updraft is so strong that if you jump off, you'll just float there for a few seconds, and come right back up."

He says "No, you're lying." "I'll bet you $1000 that I'm not" he says. The other accepts, and they go to the building.


There standing up there and the guy who made the bet jumps off. As he said, he floats there and comes back up. The guy gos "No ****in' way, thats impossoble!" So the guy does it again. The other guys like "Holy ****, thats AWSOME!!!" So he hands over the thousand bucks and jumps off.


Blood, guts, and all his organs spews over a radius of 100 yards. His spine flies a mile all the way over to the bar.


The guy walks back to the bar, and the bartender asks what happened to the other guy. The guy points to the spinal chord, and shows him the money.


The bartender just chuckles and says "God you are an ******* when you're drunk Superman."

thedrifter
10-17-03, 06:43 AM
"Maybe You and Your Friends Should Try This!!!"

One Saturday night, Jim and Mark went to the bar to unwind over a couple of beers. After a few rounds, a good friend of theirs walked in named Bob. Well after they drank a few beers, Bob looked over at them and asked if they were leaving soon. Jim said yeah, we're leaving after this round. Bob said alright then I'll see yall fellas later. Bob staggered out of the bar and when he got outside he crouched along the wall. After about five minutes, he got up and staggered to his car. He fiddled with his keys and got in his car. When he got on the road, he started swerving back and forth in both lanes. Well, soon after a cop pulled him. The cop walked up and asked for his driver's license and registration. The cop said, "I watched you stagger out of that bar, crouch along the wall, then stagger to your car, get in, drive off, and you started swerving." Bob looked up at him and said, "Sorry Mr. Occifer, I was just on the way home just then." Well, the cop thought he was drunk, so he told Bob to get out of the car. Bob got out of the car and the cop started giving him some sobriety tests. Well Bob passed all of them, including the breath-a-lyzer. The cop looked at him funny and said, "Sir, you seemed drunk and you even passed all the tests I gave you." Well, when the cop said that, Bob started smiling. Bob said he was the DD for the night. The cop asked, "Designated Driver?" Bob said nope "Designated Decoy!!!"

thedrifter
10-17-03, 06:44 AM
***SeX eDuCaTiOn***
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys



his age rather curious.



He had been hearing quite a bit about 'sex'



from the older boys, and



he wondered what it was and how it was done. One



day he took his question



mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of



explaining things to



Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains



one night and watch his



older sister



and her boyfriend. This he did. The following



morning, Johnny described



EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a



while, then he turned off most of the lights.



Then he started kissing and



hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick,



because her face started



looking funny. He must have thought so too,



because he put his hand inside



her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the



doctor would. Except he's



not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to



have trouble finding her



heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because



pretty soon both of them



started panting



and getting all out of breath. His other hand



must have been cold because



he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis



got worse and began to



moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down



toward the end of the



couch. This was when her fever started. I knew



it was a fever, because



Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I



found out what was making



them so sick-a big eel ;had



gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped



out of his pants and stood



there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he



grabbed it in one hand to



keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she



got really scared-her eyes



got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started



calling out to God and



stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one



she's ever seen; I should



tell her about the ones down at he lake by our



house! Anyway, Sis got



brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its



head off. All of a sudden



she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight



while he took a muzzle



out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's



head to keep it from



biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so



she could get a



scissor-lock on it and he



helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up



a hell of a fight. Sis



started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend



almost upset the couch.



I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing



it between them. After a



while



they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her



boyfriend got up, and



sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because



it just hung there, limp,



and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and



her boyfriend were a



little tired from the battle, but they went back



to courting anyway. He



started hugging and kissing her again. By golly,



the eel wasn't dead! It



jumped straight up and started to fight again. I



guess eels are like cats-



they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis



jumped up and tried to



kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute



struggle, they finally



killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw



Sis's boyfriend peel its



skin off and flush



it down the toilet "


After saying this he looked at his mother and said,"I saw all the courting, but i still did not see any sex!

thedrifter
10-17-03, 06:45 AM
"the 3 fruits"

There was a blonde, a brunnete, and a red head. They were driving in a convertable when it started to rain, the top wouldn't come up. So they drove around until they found what looked like an abandoned barn. They stopped the car and ran in to spend the night. In the morning they awoke to a burst of light and the creaking of the barn door. They all looked at the door to find a man standing there.

Farmer~What are ya young'ins doin' in my barn?!


Redhead~ It was raining and we didn't have a place to stay...


Farmer~So why'd u pick my barn?


Redhead~'cuz it was the only place within 100 miles!


Farmer~Well, ok but to pay the dues of ya stayin' in my barn fer the night i'll havta have u go on top of my hill tomorra mornin' with yer favorite fruit.


Redhead~ok


The next morning 2 of the 3 girls went to the top of the hill. Next, the farmer came he said...


Farmer~ok with yer fruit I want u to stick the fruit in yer buttocks, and if ya laugh ill shoot ya with my rifle!


The Brunette went first and she stuck the fruit in her butt and laughed got shot and went to heaven.


Next, the redhead she stuck the fruit in her but laughed got shot went to heaven and met up with the brunette...


Redhead~Why did you die?


Brunnete~The peach fuzz tickled my butt, why did you die?


Redhead~I saw the blonde come up the hill with a watermelon.

thedrifter
10-17-03, 06:47 AM
Class Picture

A teacher had been after her pupils to bring in their 2 dollars for the class picture.

Upset over the tardiness, one day she got up in front of the class and said, "Class, think how much you're going to treasure this picture 25 years from now. You will pull it out and say, 'There's my friend, Julie. She's a lawyer now. There's my friend Robert. He's a doctor'"

Then a voice from the back of the room interrupted, "And there's my teacher. She's dead."

thedrifter
10-17-03, 06:48 AM
"Bait"

Od Man fishing in the greek to younger man who arrives to start fishing also: "Where yu bin the last week son?"
Young man: "I got me married."

Old man: "Who'd ya marry son?"

Young man: "I married Mary Lou".

Old man: "Why she's so ugly, why d'ya marry her, is she a good cook?"

Young man: "Nope."

Old man: "Is she good in bed?"

Young man: "Nope."

Old man: "Is she pregnant?"

Young man: "Nope."

Old man, still watching his float: Why in tarnation d'you marry her for then Son?"

Young man, baiting his hook: "She's got the worms."

thedrifter
10-17-03, 06:49 AM
"ABC'S"

Once upon a time there was a kid in the 2nd grade. one day his teacher told him to say the ABC's by tomorrow, so when he got home after school he asked his dad what is the first letter of the alphebet? he said shutup so he goes to his sisters room and shes on the phone he asks whats the second letter of the alphebet? and she says uh ha uh ha uh ha. so next he goes into his brothers room whos watching Batman and asks whats the 3rd letter of the alphebet? he says dun nun nunu BATMAN! so he goes into the kitchen where his mom is cooking dinner and he asks whats the 4th letter of the alphebet? she says my buns are burning, my buns are burning! so then the next day he goes to school and his teacher asks say the alphebet and he says shut up. so she says do u want to go to the princapal's office? he says uh ha uh ha uh ha, so he is in the princapal's office and he asks who do u theink you are? then he says du nanana BATMAN! and the princapal pattals his behind, and the kids screams my buns are burning my buns are burning!

thedrifter
10-17-03, 06:50 AM
"damm"

there once was this one man who had found a genie the genie say's i'll grant you 3 wishes but what ever you wish for your X wife gets twice as much the man says damm ok my first wish is for 1 million dollers the genie say's ok your wife gets 2 million the man say's damm and says for my second wish I wish for a limo surrounded by girls the genie says ok but your wife just got a limo with men twice as many, the man say's damm he thought really careful for his third wish then he said well then you can beat me half to death.

thedrifter
10-18-03, 07:01 AM
"Jumpin' Funny"

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could jump high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.
But he was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.


The next day, a twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.


When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"


The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

thedrifter
10-18-03, 07:02 AM
"Dog-gone It"

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?


An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

thedrifter
10-18-03, 07:02 AM
"Bad hearing"

This man walks into a bar.He sists next to this man with a 12 inch bic lighter.The man asks him"where the hell did u get that big of a lighter"? The man says u see that lady over there with the pink shirt"?"she gives everyone 1 wish". The other man goes up to the women and asks here"so do u give people 1 wish"? the lady says yes.So the man says"i wish for 1,000,000 bucks."the lady gives him a nod and then all of a sudden the bar fills up with 1,000,000 ducks.The man walks back to his seat and tells the other man"your right she does give everyone 1 wish but i think shes got bad hearing".The other man says"ya no **** do u really think i asked for a 12 inch bick"?

thedrifter
10-18-03, 07:03 AM
"wild animals"

A mouse walks into a bar and scurries up a barstool and says "bartender, give me a drink." So the bartender gives him a drink. A few drinks later, a lady giraff walks in and sits at the oppisite end of the bar. The little mouse says to the bartender "her drinks are on me." So 30 minutes later , little mouse scurried down his stool and up the stool next to lady giraff. Next thing you know they leave together. The next day, little mouse goes back to the bar. Barely able to get up the bar stool, he askes the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks " whats wrong little buddy." Little mouse replies, "between the kissing and the ****ing , i must have run a 100 miles last night."

thedrifter
10-18-03, 07:04 AM
kindergarten blonde is smart"

A blonde, whose parents are both brunette, comes home from kindergarten one day. Both of her parents ask, "What did you learn at school today, honey?"

The blonde proudly says, "We learned the alphabet today, Mommy, Daddy. All the other kids can only go to E but I can go to P. Is it because I'm blonde mommy?"


The blonde's mother replies, "Yes, sweety, it's because your blonde."


The next day, when the blonde comes home, she answers her parents with, "We learned how to count and I can go to 20 but all the other kids can only go to 10. Is that because I'm blonde, Mommy?"


Her mother, again, replies, "Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde."


The third day, the girl coems home with a VERY confused look on her face and says, "Mommy, today my teacher told me I had really big boobs. Is that because I'm blonde, Mommy?"


Her mother looks down and her and says, sadly, "No sweety, that's because you're twenty-six."

thedrifter
10-18-03, 07:05 AM
"22 22 22- what an idiot- 23 23 23 "

One time a blondle was walking to her bff's house and the only thing making the two cities seperite was a railroad track. Ond day the blone was on her way to her bff's house and she saw a brunett jumping back and forth on the railroad track singing 22 22 22, the blonde thought, "Loser," and walked on. The next day she was walking to her bff's house and saw the brunett jumping back and forth on the railroad track singing 22 22 22, she thought, "Loser," and walked on. The next day she went to her bff's house she saw the burrnett again jumping back and forth on the railroad tracks singing 22 22 22, this time she thought it looked fun so the blonde jumped on the railroad tracks jumping back and forth singing 22 22 22, the burrnet heard train coming and jumped off the tracks, the blonde did not hear it---- the blonde got hit and killed. The burrnett didn't care. The brunnett junped back on the tracks and started singing 23 23 23.

thedrifter
10-18-03, 07:06 AM
10 reasons why sex is better than a joke

10.Everybody likes sex & nobody likes work, except virgins & only because they haven't had sex yet


9. sex moans, licks,throbs,pumps ect.,work just sucks


8. after sex you feel like smoking a cigarette after work you feel like smoking something a lot stronger


7.you only get punished during sex if you want to


6.drinking drives people to sex, work drives people to drink


5. sex rlieves stress, work is the cause of stress


4. nothing beats the hands on experence you get with sex


3. after sex you feel as if you accomplished something.


2. sex is quicker than work. at work you have to stay for at least 8 hours


1. with sex you atleast have a choice whether or not you want sex. at work you employers **** you regardless.

thedrifter
10-18-03, 07:07 AM
10 Differences Between School and Hell

1>It doesn't rain in Hell.

2>Everyone has heard of Hell.

3>It's more fun getting into Hell.

4>You can't fail out of Hell.

5>At least you can sleep in Hell.

6>Hell is forever. School just seems like it.

7>People smile in Hell.

8>You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.

9>You know there are hot women in Hell.

10>You wouldn't tell a friend to go to school.

thedrifter
10-18-03, 07:08 AM
"dad and son"

one day, a little boy and his dad went fishing down at the lake. they were sitting there for a while without catching anything when the boys dad pulls out a beer and starts drinking it. "can i have a sip of that father?" asked the little boy. his father replied "does your dick touch your ass?" "no" the little boy answered. "then you can't have any beer"his father added. a little while later his father pulls out a cigar and starts smoking it. "can i have a puff?" asked the little boy.his father replied "does your dick touch your ass?" "no" the boy answered. "then you cant smoke my cigar" the father added. after a while the boy hooks a big fish and starts to real it in. once it was realed all the way in they realized that it was not a fish, but it was a big wodden box. they opened the box to out find that it was full of money. "can i have some of your money son?" asked the boys father. the boy replied "does your dick touch your ass?". "yes" his father answered. the little boy concluded "well then go **** yourself".

thedrifter
10-18-03, 07:08 AM
"Ohio River"

A Buckeye and a Briar were night fishin on opposite sides of the Ohio river. The Buckeye was pulling in a load of fish and the Briar couldn't even get nibble. The Briar yells across the river " What kinda bait are ye usen" , Buckeye yells back "Night crawlers". Briar: "Thats what I'ma usen" Buckye: "Why don't ya come over this side and fish then?" Briar: "Taint no bridge fer twenty mile in either direction. Buckeye: "Well, tell ya what I'll do. I'll flash this spotlight across the river and you can walk across on the beam." Briar: "You must take me to be pretty stupid, I knows once I get half ways across you'ins will turn out the light."

thedrifter
10-18-03, 07:10 AM
"the chinese guy"

Once there was a chinese guy.He didn't speak english very well so he was trying to learn.So one day he went 2 a choir and learned MI MI MI MI MI.Then he went to a restraunt and learned,forks and knives,forks and knives.Then he went to a candy shop and learned goody goody gumdrops.Then he went to Wal-Mart and learned,plug it in plug it in.
So one day someone was hurt and the police

officer asked: who did this?



Chinese guy: MI MI MI MI MI



officer: howd u do it



Chinese guy: forks and knives forks and

knives



officer: were gona put u in prison



Chinese guy: goody goody gumdrops



officer:then we'll put u in the electric chair



Chinese guy: plug it in plug it in!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! !!!!!!

O WHAT DO I KNOW I'M A GEEK

thedrifter
10-18-03, 07:11 AM
"Pianist"

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy sitting on a barstool drinking a beer and watching a miniature man playing a piano on the bar in front of him. Bewildered, the man asked him where did he get his little friend. The guy said that there was a genie outside the back door granting wishes, so he goes out back and sure enough, there was a genie. He walks up to the genie and says I wish for a thousand bucks. The genie said, "Granted." The man walks back into the bar and there were ducks flying everywhere. He goes back up to the man at the bar and says "That genie must be deaf, I asked for a thousand bucks, not a thousand ducks." The man replied, "What did you think I asked for, a twelve inch pianist?"

thedrifter
10-18-03, 07:11 AM
"The Island fruit"

Three guys were stranded on an Island. one was named justin, one timmy, and one eric. the men came across a genie's lamp and wished to go off the island. the genie agreed but said you must bring me one piece of fruit by this time tomarrow. they agreeded and came back with fruit. the first man brought a bananna and the genie said if i can shove this up your ass without you making any noise, you can leave. so the genie started and the man laughed half way up. the genie said "why did you laugh?" the man said it tickled. the second guy, timmy, brought back grapes. the genie started and with one grape left timmy busted up laughing and the genie said "why did you laugh?" and timmy said " beecuase i just saw eric coming around the corner with a watermelon.

Art Petersn
10-18-03, 06:21 PM
Humour: Citi Bank billing

If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer
service then you will really appreciate this.

My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report
her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her
being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBan k: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given


CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

thedrifter
10-19-03, 09:30 AM
"Hare Spray"

One day after work a man was driving home when he ran over a poor little rabbit. The man immeadiatly jumped out from his car to see how the rabbit was doing. He knew it was dead just by looking at the flattend creature. He felt guilty, and just stared at the poor rabbit.

About three minutes later a lady saw his car stopped in the road, and went over to see what was a matter. The man said " I hit this poor rabbit and I just feel terrible." The plump little lady then went to her car and came back with an object in her hand. She told the man not to worry, and began spraying some sort of liquid on the dead rabbit. The man asked "What are you doing?" The woman replied " I am going to save this rabbit, just watch." About five minutes later the man was thinking to himself "Man, this womans crazy. I mean the rabbit is as flat a a pancake! Why on earth would she cliam she could save it" All of the sudden the rabbit rose, looked around, got up and begun to hop away. By now the man was amazed. The rabbit then stopped turned around, and waved. Then hopped another four feet, turned around, and waved agian. This ritual lasted on until the rabbit was out of sight.


The man, desperate for an explaination, looked at the spray bottle and read " Hair Spray. Brings damaged hair back to life. WARNING MAY CAUSE PERMANINT WAVE."

thedrifter
10-19-03, 09:31 AM
"MoNkEyS"

there was three monkey that went to hell. Then the devil say if u go to earth and do something bad ill let u go to heaven....3 days later when the three monkey return.The first monkey told the devil i burn 5 house down..the devil say good go drink the holy water n go to heaven..the second monkey say i stole 24 cars .the devil say good go drink the holy water n go to heaven...the third monkey was lughing and say i pee in the holy water....hahahahahah

thedrifter
10-19-03, 09:32 AM
"E.T."

E.T. walks in to a bar. He sits down and orders five beers, he finishes them quickly enough and orders another two, he finishes them even more quickly. Then he walks to the other end of the bar, puts his mouth into a man's beer and makes the most perculiar noise which sounded like he was going bababababa. The man looks at him in disbeleif and then caries on drinking his beer. E.T. goes back to his seat and orders another seven beers, he gulps all of them down and again walks down to the other end of the bar to the same man again and goes bababababa in the mans beer. This time the man gets anoyed and says to E.T, " Look here you freak, if you do that again there is going to be trouble!"
"O.K." says E.T., and walks down to his seat again and orders another ten beers. After he has finished them, he walks down to the same man again an goes bababababa in his beer. Now the man is really anoyed, he says "I you do that again I am oing to rip your ears off!"

"I dont have any ears" says E.T.

"Well" says the man "if you do that again I am going to rip your tits of!"

"I dont have any tits" says E.T.

"Fine then" says the man "if you do that again I will rip your dick off!"

"I dont have a dick" says E.T.

"What" says the man "how do you have a **** then?"

E.T. goes "bababababa"

thedrifter
10-19-03, 09:33 AM
"I SPIT IN THIS BEER"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though.
As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom.

When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

thedrifter
10-19-03, 09:38 AM
"smart blonde"

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.


The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."


This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.


The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"


The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".


She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"


The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.


The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.


The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"


Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep

thedrifter
10-19-03, 09:40 AM
"Blondes licence"

a teenage blond completes her driving
course. she goes in to get her licence.

She gets it and is infuriated by it. She

takes it to her dad and shows it to him.

"what's wrong with it?" he asked.

She points and says "I got an F in Sex!"

thedrifter
10-19-03, 09:41 AM
A Quiz For People Who Know Everything
*

*


(1) There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?

(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

(4) Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

(5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

(6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

(7) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.

(8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

(9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"

(10) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other six.

(11) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

(12) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S."

--> Scroll down for the answers. Don't cheat! <--

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"Answers To Quiz"

1. Boxing.

2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. Baseball.

5. Strawberry.

6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.

10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.

11. Lettuce.

12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings.

...Well, now you know! Feel any smarter

thedrifter
10-19-03, 09:42 AM
"Talking Clock"

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends
late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom

where there was a big brass gong.


"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests

asked.


"Why that's the talking clock" the man replied.


"How does it work?"


"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound

with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the

wall screamed,


"For ****'s sake, you wanker, it's 2:00AM in the ****ing

morning!!"

thedrifter
10-19-03, 09:43 AM
"Bobby??"

Bobby may be an *******, but you take this joke board way too seriously. A joke or insult never caused hardship to anyone. Not having food on your table or a roof over your head is a hardship. Having an illness and no insurance is a hardship. Reading Bobbys drivel hardly qualifies as a hardship.
If you don't like him, then go find another joke board. You need to get on with your life and stop fixating on Bobby.

thedrifter
10-19-03, 09:45 AM
"Farmer Jones"

Farmer Jones was the most negative man in the world. Farmer Smith was his next door neighbor and a very happy fellow.
"Ain't it a beautiful day?" Farmer Smith would smile

"Huh! " replied Farmer Jones "If it don't rain soon the corns going to burn"

Nest day: "Aint' it nice it's raining?" asked Farmer Smith

"Huh! If it don't stop soon the corn's going to drown" replied Farmer Jones.

One thing the two had in common was their love of duck hunting. They would compete vigoursly every and took pride in their hunting dogs. Yes, every year Farmer Jones proved to be the best man with the best dogs.

Then, one year, Farmer Smith got the best hunting dog he had ever come across.

"Just wait until Farmer Jones sees this-he's gotta say something positive"

And so they went duck hunting. As luck would have it, a flock of ducks flew overhead, Farmer Smith took a shot and a duck dropped right in the middle of the pond.

"Watch this." he grinned at Farmer Jones. "Dawg-go get that duck" he ordered his new dog.

The dog ran nimbly to the edge of the pond, and without breaking stride, walked on top of the water, picked the duck up, walked back to shore and deposited the duck at Farmer Smith's feet, with not a feather out of place.

"Well" smiled Farmer Smith "What do you think of my new dog?

"Huh!" answered Farmer Jones "dumb dog can't even swim."

thedrifter
10-19-03, 09:46 AM
"Bob and John go hunting"

Bob and John were out hunting one day and came across a goat with her head stuck in a fence. John dropped his drawers and bonged her real good and turned to Bob an says "Want some?" Well, ol Bob says "Sure", and stuck his head in the fence next to the goat.

Art Petersn
10-19-03, 01:55 PM
ANATOMY
An 8th grade science teacher, Mrs.. Parks,
asked her class,"Which human body part
increases to 7 times its normal size
when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood
up, angry, and said,"You should not be
asking 8th graders a question like that!
I'm going to tell my parents, and they
will go and tell the principal, who will
then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat
back down. Mrs.. Parks ignored her and
asked the question again, "Which body
art increases to 7 times its normal size

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she
said to those around her, "Boy, is she
gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and
said to the class,"Anybody?"

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around
it is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs.. Parks said, "Very good, Kevin," then
turned to Mary and continued, "As for
you, young lady, I have three things to say:
(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework; and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Art Petersn
10-19-03, 05:31 PM
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just
keep counting and re-counting.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a 7 inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard
drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 300 Mb hard drive
shrinks to 100 Mb, then
slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 Mb.
The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be
inserted.
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but
your processor doesn't
care.
The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some
files, leaves, but will be
back.
AND THE FAVORITE ......
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive
into a 3.5 inch floppy . . . then discards it through Windows.

jo_beth
10-19-03, 10:12 PM
Who's bobby?

thedrifter
10-20-03, 07:14 AM
"how to get cats and dogs to take pills..."


CATS:

1.. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if

holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of

cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in

right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close

mouth and swallow.



2.. Retrieve pill from floor, and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in

left arm and repeat process.


3.. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4.. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm - holding rear

paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of

mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.



5.. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from garden.



6.. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and

rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head

firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill

down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30-40 seconds.



7.. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.

Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep

shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing

later.



8.. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just

visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open with pencil and

blow downdrinking straw.



9.. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to

take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood

from carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.



10.. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another

beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head

showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat

with rubber band.



11.. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on

hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply

cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.

Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.

Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12.. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across

the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving

to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.


13.. Tie the little ******* 's front paws to rear paws with garden twine

and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning

gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet

steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of

water down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing

all steps.


14.. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the

emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm

and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way

home to order new table.


15.. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local

pet shop to see if they have any hamsters left.


DOGS:


1.. Wrap pill in bacon.

thedrifter
10-20-03, 07:15 AM
"poor dog"

there was a woman pregnant with three kids in a car. when out of nowere a guy robbed her and shot her three times. In the hospital the doctor said she was ok and that the birth would go smoothly. So she had the babies two girls and one boy. about fourteen years later one of the girls ran up to the mom and said "mom i was peeing and a bullet came out" so the mom told her the story. a week later the other girl came out and said" mom i was peeing and a bullet came out." so the mom told her the story. a couple days later the boy came up and said "mom" but then she said "let me guess you were peeing and a bullet came out" he said "no I was jacking off and I shot the dog"

thedrifter
10-20-03, 07:16 AM
"Things not to say to cops"

Policeman

What to not say to the nice policeman.


I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.


Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.


Aren't you the guy from the Village People?


Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!


I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.


I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.


Bad cop! No doughnut!


You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?


Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.


Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?


Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.


Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?


I pay your salary!


So, uh, you on the take or what?


Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!


Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.


I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.


What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.


Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.


Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!


Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

thedrifter
10-20-03, 07:16 AM
LEPRECHAUN




A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to ****.

When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen.

As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green.

The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.

The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."


"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"

"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come."

The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later

. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away.

The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"

The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?"

"25," he says.

"Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns

thedrifter
10-20-03, 07:17 AM
"JUST ONE!!!!??"

A man and his blonde wife are getting ready for work. The blonde leaves about a half hour before her husband, so the man uses this time to listen to the radio news.


about ten minutes after the blonde left, a shocking news report comes in. "..... driver going the wrong way on highway 55..."


The worried husband calls up his wife on her cell phone to warn her, as he knew she took highway 55 to get to work.


"Honey," he said " be careful on your way to work. some maniac is driving the wrong way on highway 55."


The blonde responded in a frenzied voice "ONE!? ONE!? THERE MUST BE HUNDREDS OF THEM!!!!!"

thedrifter
10-20-03, 07:18 AM
"never argue w/a blonde"

A blounde went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The blond liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The blonde liked to read.
One morning the blonde returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the blonde decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.


Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"


"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "duh -- isn't it obvious?"


"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.


"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"


"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."


"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the

blonde

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.


"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think

thedrifter
10-20-03, 07:19 AM
To My Critics

When I am in a sober mood

I worry, work and think

When I am in a drunken mood

I gamble, fight and drink

But when all my moods are over

And the world has come to pass

I hope they bury me upside down

So the world can kiss my ass

thedrifter
10-20-03, 07:20 AM
"the ultimate pick up lines"

I'm no fred flinstone but I can sure rock your world baby.

Thats a beautiful dress on u, but it would look better on the floor.


If your left leg was thanksgiving and your right leg was christmas could i visit you between the holidays.


Do you have a quarter, my mom told me to call her when i met the woman of my dreams.


Damn girl i wish u would suck me like u suck that lolly pop.


If i was a twinke u could eat all the cream fillings you'd want.


You plus me = 69.


If u spend the night I'll show u my snake.


If you let me touch those watermelons I'll let u touch my banana.

thedrifter
10-20-03, 07:21 AM
"The Three Choices"

OK there once was a man who wanted to go fishing so he asked his wife if she wanted to go fishing or not and she said NO. So the man said you can either go fishing, take it annal, or give him a blow job. He told her to think about it while he put the dog in the truck. When he came back she said she would give him a blow job. So she did five minutes later sha stops and said this tastes like ****. And he said the dog didnt want to go fishing either.

thedrifter
10-20-03, 07:22 AM
"ABC'S"

Once upon a time there was a kid in the 2nd grade. one day his teacher told him to say the ABC's by tomorrow, so when he got home after school he asked his dad what is the first letter of the alphebet? he said shutup so he goes to his sisters room and shes on the phone he asks whats the second letter of the alphebet? and she says uh ha uh ha uh ha. so next he goes into his brothers room whos watching Batman and asks whats the 3rd letter of the alphebet? he says dun nun nunu BATMAN! so he goes into the kitchen where his mom is cooking dinner and he asks whats the 4th letter of the alphebet? she says my buns are burning, my buns are burning! so then the next day he goes to school and his teacher asks say the alphebet and he says shut up. so she says do u want to go to the princapal's office? he says uh ha uh ha uh ha, so he is in the princapal's office and he asks who do u theink you are? then he says du nanana BATMAN! and the princapal pattals his behind, and the kids screams my buns are burning my buns are burning!

thedrifter
10-20-03, 07:23 AM
"Little Green Man"

One day a little boy named Jonny was in school when his asked to go to the bathroom. He was going poo when he realized that there was no toilet paper, so Jonny used his hand to whipe. When he returned to his class the teacher ask "Jonny whats in your hand?" Jonny replied "a little lepuarcuahn if I open my hands he will get away." the teacher said he was being silly and she sent him to the office. The principal ask the same question and got the same remark, so he sent Jonny home. Jonny's dad then asked the question and when Jonny gave the reply the dad demanded to know what was in Jonny's hands so he ripped them open...all he found was crap. Then Jonny said "look what you did dad, you scared the crap outta him!!!"

thedrifter
10-20-03, 07:24 AM
"Farmer Jones"

Farmer Jones was the most negative man in the world. Farmer Smith was his next door neighbor and a very happy fellow.
"Ain't it a beautiful day?" Farmer Smith would smile

"Huh! " replied Farmer Jones "If it don't rain soon the corns going to burn"

Nest day: "Aint' it nice it's raining?" asked Farmer Smith

"Huh! If it don't stop soon the corn's going to drown" replied Farmer Jones.

One thing the two had in common was their love of duck hunting. They would compete vigoursly every and took pride in their hunting dogs. Yes, every year Farmer Jones proved to be the best man with the best dogs.

Then, one year, Farmer Smith got the best hunting dog he had ever come across.

"Just wait until Farmer Jones sees this-he's gotta say something positive"

And so they went duck hunting. As luck would have it, a flock of ducks flew overhead, Farmer Smith took a shot and a duck dropped right in the middle of the pond.

"Watch this." he grinned at Farmer Jones. "Dawg-go get that duck" he ordered his new dog.

The dog ran nimbly to the edge of the pond, and without breaking stride, walked on top of the water, picked the duck up, walked back to shore and deposited the duck at Farmer Smith's feet, with not a feather out of place.

"Well" smiled Farmer Smith "What do you think of my new dog?

"Huh!" answered Farmer Jones "dumb dog can't even swim."

Kalbo
10-20-03, 09:08 AM
What do you call 25 men sitting at home watching a Yankees' game?












The Boston Red Soxs

Shaffer
10-20-03, 09:29 AM
You know I like that one :D

Q. How does a Boston Red Sox win a World Series?



A. Get traded to the Yankees.

Osotogary
10-20-03, 10:02 AM
What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and Yankee stadium? -
The vacuum cleaner holds only one dirtbag.

To even things out.

There is a Boston Red Sox to New York Yankees Conversion Form circulating. I'll scan it this evening and submit it this Forum unless I can figure out how to present it in another fashion.

Go Florida!

montana
10-20-03, 10:17 AM
A duck hunter that was proud of his bird dog because of it being so smart took a friend hunting....they snuck up to a pond. the the man said go see to hisc dog, dog gose over the hill comes back yips 4 time...the man tells his friend theres 4 ducks on the pond....sure enough four ducks fly up

friends not to sure about the dogs smarts so said lets try it again
so next pond same thing only dog barks 6 times...and up flyes 6 dicks

still not convinsed one more pond...this time the dog comes back humps the mans leg then picks up a stick and shakes the hell out of it.the friend in a fit of loughter said i didnt think so
the man said no prob hes just tellin me there are more f****n ducks out there then you can shake a stick at

thedrifter
10-20-03, 05:53 PM
Criminally Stupid
Criminally STUPID
"FAKE OFFICER NEEDS ASSISTANCE!"
Jeremy Lang of Syracuse, N.Y., who had been imperson-ating a police officer for some time, was caught and charged after a motorist he'd pulled over became angry and Lang called police headquarters for backup.

RETURN OF THE DOOFUS, PART 1
A man who robbed a flower shop in Vernon, B.C., returned a short time later to retrieve his gun, which he'd left behind. Police, who were on the scene investigating, arrested him.

RETURN OF THE DOOFUS, PART 2
In Oroville, Calif., a bank robber was caught after return-ing to the same bank later that day to deposit the loot into his account.

SEEKING A CAREER MAKING LICENSE PLATES
A bank robber in Fort Worth, Texas, handed the teller a holdup note written on the back of his résumé.

SORRY, BUT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SEIZE YOUR SALAD
Toronto police who pulled over a man for speeding discovered he was cooking his lunch in a crock pot and tossing a salad in his lap as he drove.

YES, IT IS A VACUUM CLEANER HOSE AND NO, I'M NOT HAPPY TO SEE YOU
In Raleigh, N.C., a 72-year-old man was convicted of stealing a vacuum-cleaner hose from a shop by inserting it under his clothes via his unzipped pants.

DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY
An Austrian bank robber dressed as a woman was caught walking from the scene by two men on a lawn mower.Meanwhile, in Brazil, a man wearing a wig, fake breasts, high heels and makeup tried to escape from a prison in Sao Paulo but was caught because he couldn't walk in high heels. Guards said the man "looked like a beautiful woman but waddled like a duck."

POLLY WANT SOME HANDCUFFS?
A parrot breaking a year of silence foiled a burglary in Kiev, Ukraine, when he shouted, "Stop! I'll shoot! On the ground!" as three men broke in. When the bird's owner, a retired policeman, returned home, he found the three men stretched out on the floor with their hands behind their heads.

thedrifter
10-20-03, 05:55 PM
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their
first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play. The first little
boy was to say "My fair maiden....I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope". The second little boy was to reply by saying "Hark! a pistol shot"

Well on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys
were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified.
They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words...

My fair maiden...I have come to kiss your snatch! ...and fill your
hole with soap."
The second boy screams out..."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss,
a pot of ****, horse ****, cow ****, bull ****...I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway...
The audience left howling.

thedrifter
10-20-03, 05:58 PM
There were two brothers.

One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.

His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died.

He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.

The bad brother was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer & a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment".

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."