Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

The World's Smartest Dog?


As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and yells at the the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What in the world are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius? I don't think so. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[thedrifter]

Comfortable


Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -
("com-for-da-bul" )

[thedrifter]

There's Teacher


The children had all been photographed for school pictures, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's teacher; she's dead."

[thedrifter]

Kids on the Subject of Love


WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)<BR>

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the garbage." (Randy, 8)

[thedrifter]

Talking Clock


While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock", the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two AM in the morning!

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker Is a Computer Hacker


10. You ticked him off once, and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net."

4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among hobbies.

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

[thedrifter]

Mrs. Jones, do you know me?


A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

[thedrifter]

Cheap And Simple Ways To Ward Off Burglars


The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

[thedrifter]

Mad Ramblings and Ponderments


What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.

[thedrifter]

Useless in the Parking Lot


A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God!

You even sent me a Professional!"

[thedrifter]

When I Was Your Age


A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

[thedrifter]

Tendjewberrymud


Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). This was nominated "best email of 1997".

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

[thedrifter]

Kids Understand Love


Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what do little kids know about love? Read on and be
surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"You can break love, but it won't die."

[thedrifter]

A wealty lawyer


One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

[thedrifter]

The First Annual Duh Award


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees,"
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Al Gore, Vice President

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet,"
- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Keppel Enderbery

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
- Dan Quayle

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
- Dan Quayle, VP

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
- Dan Quayle, VP

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself.
It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
- Dan Quayle, VP

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[thedrifter]

Punny Biblical Q+A's


Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A: Ruth-less.

Q: Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A: Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A: David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A: Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A: 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson; he brought the house down.

Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A: In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A: They were really put out.

Q: What is one of the first thing that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A: They really raised Cain.

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q: How long did Cain hate his brother?
A: As long as he was Abel!

Q: What was the last thing Noah said before he entered the Ark?
A: So long Fellers!

Q: The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A: They used floodlights.

Q: After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?
A: 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.

Q: Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
A: When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.

Q: Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
A: When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David, he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A: The thought had never entered his head before?

Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A: No, he already fell for it once.

Q: Why did Paul tell Timothy to take just a little wine for the sake of his stomach?
A: Because it was Paul's bottle.

Q: What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A: Turn right and go straight.

Q: Why won't we drink milk in the new world?
A: Because, at Armageddon, there will be udder destruction.

Q: Why shouldn't Christians watch TV?
A: At the transfiguration, Jesus said, "Tell the vision to no one."

Q: Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q: Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?
A: Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.

Q: How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A: Because Job 16:12, 14, 16 says, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Q: Will there be dogs in the new system?
A: No, 2 Peter 3:14 tells us that we will be without spot.

Q: Who was the straightest man in the bible?
A: Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.

Q: Which Christian magazine did the apostle Paul command to never throw away?
A: Ephesians 5:18 says to "keep Awake"

[thedrifter]

Brain Transplant


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The Doctor quickly responded, '$25,000 for a male brain, and $3,000 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

[thedrifter]

Six Cups of Coffee


Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.

He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

[thedrifter]

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)

Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

[thedrifter]

Learn a new word each day:


Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.

Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.

Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.

Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins see with.

Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.

Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.

Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official.

[thedrifter]

Marriage Humor


The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[thedrifter]

My Wife is Deaf


A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

[thedrifter]

A counterfeiter


A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a
single general merchandise store. He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?"

The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"

[thedrifter]

Beethoven


When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

[thedrifter]

Cop Lines


"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

[thedrifter]

Lifeboat


After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when
they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.

'I'll grant each of you a single wish,' said the genie.

'I wish I was home,' said the first man. Then, poof! he disappeared.

'I wish I was home, too,' said the second man. Poof! He disappeared too.

The third man looked around. 'Gee, I'm kind of lonely,' he said. 'I wish my friends were here with me.'

[thedrifter]

Chevy Nova Award


These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, in Spanish, "No go."

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious adult magazine.

3. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

4. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

5. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

6. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

7. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

[thedrifter]

The Good Old Days


Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first
started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

[thedrifter]

Billy Bob's Mule


Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd
was gathered. The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."

"I see," Gary said. "Well, she must have had a lot of friends."

"Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule."

[thedrifter]

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie


I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me,
sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:

"Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. "

The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:


"He lives in a home with 10 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

[thedrifter]

Flying With A Blonde


There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.

A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.

One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

[thedrifter]

Boots


Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my
boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,"Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the
toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next month.

[thedrifter]

The Dying Preacher


An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

[thedrifter]

Do It Yourself


When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to
be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer's manual
and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

[thedrifter]

Insurance Claim


A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire
stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet
to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued ... and won!!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for
the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

After the man cashed his check, however, the
insurance company had him arrested... on 24
counts of arson!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and
sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

[thedrifter]

Pointed Observations...


It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

[thedrifter]

Keeping Up


This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

Their windows are open and he yells at the
guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone
in there?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course
I do." "I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU
have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do
you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here
- see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Granada
takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about
to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Granada are all fogged
up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls
and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.

The man in the Granada finally opens the
window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember
me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out - I got a double bed
installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME
OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

[thedrifter]

Hunting Flies


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[thedrifter]

New Definitions


TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car
approaches.

DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to thetelephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

[thedrifter]

Go Easy At First


Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.

His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[thedrifter]

Too helpful


Working for a Judge in a common pleas court, I saw many criminal defendants. One man facing drug charges proved unusually helpful.

To determine the exact quantity of the illegal substance allegedly sold, the judge asked the prosecutor how many grams there are in an ounce.

As both attorneys checked their notes, the defendant, who had not yet entered his plea, proudly announced, "There are 28.3 grams in an ounce, your honor."

His attorney advised him to plead guilty.

[thedrifter]

Now where'd that ball go?


"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad, I couldn't see where the ball went."

"You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

[thedrifter]

Questioning A Lawyer's Personal Integrity


An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward and continued, "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen
thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the
money."

[thedrifter]

Brand New Hat


There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.

A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."

She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old; this hat is brand new!"

[thedrifter]

Dead Horse / Modern Business


The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.

9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

10. Changing the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."

11. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Donating the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Doing a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.

16. Purchasing an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declaring that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.

18. Forming a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.

19. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for horses.

20. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[thedrifter]

Christian Pick-up Lines


1) Nice bible.

2) I would like to pray with you.

3) You know Jesus? Me too.

4) God told me to come talk to you.

5) I know a church where we could go and talk.

6) How about a hug, sister?

7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.

8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.

9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11

10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?

12) I am here for you.

13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," how about dinner?

14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.

15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?

16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?

18) Nice bracelet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do."

19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?

20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?

21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.

23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.

24) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.

[thedrifter]

Get to the Back of the Line


It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30AM, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he complained to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"

[thedrifter]

Sent to be by Cas


T-Shirt statements

1. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.

2. "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."

3. "I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!"

4. "Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them."

5. "I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."

6. "Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive."

7. "You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me."

8. "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."

9. "Earth ... is the insane asylum for the universe."

10. "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning
medicine."

11. "I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing."

12. "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

13. "I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather....not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car."

14. "God must love stupid people, he made so many of them."

15. "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

16. "It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you."

17. "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

18. "Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."

19. "Ever stop to think and forget to start again?"

20. "Beer - the reason I get up each afternoon!"

21. "I must be a proctologist because I work with buttheads!"

22. "That's it! I'm calling Nana!" (seen on an 8-year old).

23. "Wrinkled.... was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up."

24. "Procrastinate..... now."

25. "Rehab..... is for quitters."

26. "My dog....can lick anyone."

27. "I have a degree in liberal arts - Do you want fries with that?"

28. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt).

29. "Finally 21, and legally able to do everything I've been doing since I
was 15."

30. "Arkansas: One million people and 15 last names."

31. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

32. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."

33. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

34. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

35. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

36. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."

37. "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken."

38. "He who dies with the most toys is none-the-less dead."

39. "Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit the Frog.

40. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN....Cops have nothing to go on."

41. "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

42. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."

43. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
pig."

44. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

45. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

46. "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

47. "MOP AND GLOW - The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."

[thedrifter]

The Clinton Legacy


Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's
shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in
honor of one
of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a
weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin
production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he
replied
"I don't know, I never had one."

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle"
because he
is so full of crap he can't fly.

Clinton lacked only three things to have become one of America's
finest
leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton was doing the work of three men: Moe, Larry & Curly.

Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I
know it,
the whole truth as I believe it to be,
and nothing but what I think you need to know."

You know, politicians and diapers have one thing in common. Both
should
be changed regularly, and for the
same reason!

Clinton will be recorded in History as, "The only President to do
HANKY-
PANKY between BUSHES"

[thedrifter]

Ugly Story


A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and
because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is
rolling on the floor laughing .

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again!" ?????????????

[thedrifter]

Oil Shortage

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.

All our dipsticks are in Washington DC.

[thedrifter]

Thong Song and Dance



http://geekmetal.com/flash/thongsong.htm

[thedrifter]

How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Dont use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.

Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."

Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

[thedrifter]

The Head Hog


A man called the church office one day and said, "Can I please speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary, highly offended, said, "If you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor' or 'Brother,'but you may certainly NOT refer to him as the 'head hog atthe trough!'"

The man said, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to your church's building fund, but..."

"Hold on," the secretary quickly replied, "the big fat pig just walked in."

[thedrifter]

Lumberjack Wanted


A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

[thedrifter]

Some Vague Thoughts
Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California - WAS HIS

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills - Making the last car payment.

The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.

If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.

Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.

Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.

When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

Is your holier side your altar ego?

I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red? Is it three or five?

What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?

[thedrifter]

The Confession Session


The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

[thedrifter]

Young and Foolish


A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess
where!"

[thedrifter]

Dead Horse / Modern Business


The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.

9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

10. Changing the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."

11. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Donating the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Doing a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.

16. Purchasing an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declaring that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.

18. Forming a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.

19. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for horses.

20. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[thedrifter]

Keep the Green Side Up!


A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.

As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour.

"In this room, I was thinking of an offblue."

Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color.

And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

[thedrifter]

Tomatoes


A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

[thedrifter]

Christmas Riddles


What do you have in December that you don't have in any
other month? The letter "D".

What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!

What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes?
A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)

What's red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.

Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.

Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island.

[thedrifter]

Computer Power


The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

[thedrifter]

Justice Triumphs


A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client, who had attended the trial, was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client.

The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading, "Justice has triumphed!"

The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

[thedrifter]

Tragic Crash


A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.

A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."

[thedrifter]

You're Not a Kid Anymore When


You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

You enjoy watching the news.

The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.

The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

People ask what color your hair USED to be.

You're proud of your lawnmower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

Your car has four doors.

You routinely check the oil in your car.

You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style TWICE.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in."

You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it.

You write thank you notes without being told.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

[thedrifter]

Keeping Up


This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

Their windows are open and he yells at the
guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone
in there?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course
I do." "I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU
have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do
you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here
- see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Granada
takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about
to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Granada are all fogged
up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls
and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.

The man in the Granada finally opens the
window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember
me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out - I got a double bed
installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME
OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

[thedrifter]

Two people


A woman and her young daughter were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother one Sunday. As they passed through the cemetery on the way back to their car, the little girl said, "Mommy? Do they ever bury in the same grave?"

"Oh no, of course not, dear!" the mother replied. "Why on earth would you think that?"

"Well, that one back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

[thedrifter]

Definitions for Parents


FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the mashed carrots.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a washrag."

[thedrifter]

Ploughing at Night


A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water
in the hole"

[thedrifter]

Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams


The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

A harp is a nude piano.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.

I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

[thedrifter]

Happy As A Clam


Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that molluscs reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.

Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing madly.

"It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous at the same time," Abrahams said.

Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favourite rock station but they were playing Rockabilly which I absolutely detest.

So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of funds on useless research projects.

He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA , that was feeding clams and other molluscs large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste.

I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air.

The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant.

[thedrifter]

A trio of old veterans


A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.

"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be
the most famous man in the world."

"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

[thedrifter]

I don't remember


An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.

"The food and service were great!" he said.

His friend asked, "What's the name of the place?"

"Gee, I don't remember," he said, "What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?"

"You mean a rose?" asked his friend.

"That's it!" he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"

[thedrifter]

Differences Between You and Your Boss


When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

[thedrifter]

Bear-Hunting Preacher


A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the
hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous
twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle
tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the
other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.

That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging
at him, and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services
today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one
wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me.
Please, Lord!"

That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped
its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet:

"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..."

[thedrifter]

Tick - Tock


There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, "Tick - Tock" over and over.

After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of
him.

An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do.

The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, "Tick...Tick...Tick..."

The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You thinks you iss so schmart! But I'm telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"

[thedrifter]

Long Hair


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[thedrifter]

Enemies in the West


A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."

[thedrifter]

The Necklace


After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

[thedrifter]

Everyone Repeat After Me


1. "I won't get bad luck, lose my friends, lose my mailing lists, hear any music or see a cool pop up screen if I don't forward this.

2. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me and Ford will not give me a 50% percent discount even if HAVE forwarded my e-mail to more than 50 people.

3. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebies from Coke-a-Cola, Cracker Barrel, or Old Navy if I send this to 10 people who don't know who the devil I am anyway.

4. I will NEVER see a pop up window if I forward this. NEVER!!!!

5. My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward this.

6. There is NO SUCH THING as an Email tracker, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this to 10 or more people.

7. There is no kid with cancer through the Make-A-Wish program in England collecting anything. He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and doesn't want any more postcards, calling cards or get-well cards! (His garbage pick-up fees are through the roof from sacks of mail.)

8. The government does not have a bill in congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail.

9. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward this.

10. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.

11. The American Red Cross will not donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of-before disease for every email address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations, they don't donate!

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend or by telling me I have no conscience or don't believe in Jesus Christ.

If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it along. Even if it does come by e-mail, HE will send me one at which point I'm SURE I will know it will be from HIM. AND if He does, I'm sure He will care enough to delete all those annoying forward's in it!"

[thedrifter]

Brain Exercise


Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.

Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.


2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with
reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to
question four.


4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If
you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.


5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and
exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.


6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!

[thedrifter]

The things you learn at the movies


During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

[thedrifter]

Nervous Flyer


I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned overand said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

[thedrifter]

Hungry Robins


Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "

Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.

"Me neither, let's just lay here and
bask in the warm sun", said the second.

"OK" said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up.

As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

[thedrifter]

A blonde was down on her luck.


A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. 'I've kidnapped you!', said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, 'I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, 'How could you do this to a fellow blonde?'

[thedrifter]

Say the Blessing


A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[thedrifter]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow


An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

'SUPPLIES!!'

[thedrifter]

Nothing Special


"May I take your order, sir?" the waiter asked.

"Yes. How do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

[thedrifter]

Fasten Seat Belts


Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.

Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.

"In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"

[thedrifter]

Honest


Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.

[thedrifter]

Made You Think


Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how to get out.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I photocopied a mirror. Now I have an extra photocopy machine.

[thedrifter]

Embarrassing Traffic Stop


A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

[thedrifter]

911


911 Call: A man called 911 and spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the dispatcher asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted.

"This is her husband!"

[thedrifter]

It's a Girl


Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers.

"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds."

"When was she born?" someone asked.

Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"

[thedrifter]

The Mistake Test


See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is moron cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

[thedrifter]

Top 45 Oxymorons


45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

[thedrifter]

Mothers in History


Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small humorous sampling:

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY,MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS'S MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel,mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

No claim of the authenticity of any of these quotes is made!

[thedrifter]

Potato Jokes


Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.

How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.

Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.

Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.

What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.

What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It's mashing!

What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry!

[thedrifter]

Musical Instrument


My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."

[thedrifter]

Two gas men


Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the street. At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked her meter.

Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still beat a younger man.

They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong.

As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run too!"

[thedrifter]

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told,he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want...... numba 69"

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries.............."You want.......Beef wif Broccori?"

[thedrifter]

Dear Abby,
>
>
>
>
> I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love." It
>
> offered advice to grandparents with respect to misbehaving
grandchildren
>
> whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and
>
> enclose a picture demonstrating the technique I employ on my grandson
>
> when he just won't behave. His parents do not allow me to spank him,
so I
>
> just take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward.
>
>
>
>
> Sincerely,
>
>
> Tough Love Grandpa
>

[thedrifter]

Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex:




Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex:

1. A below par performance is considered good.
2. You can stop in the middle and down a couple of beers.
3. Its much easier to find the sweet spot.
4. Foursomes are encouraged.
5. You can make money doing it as a senior.
6. 3 times a day is not unheard of.
7. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
8. If you move to Florida, you can do it every day.
9. You don't have to cuddle with your partner after you have finished.
10. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can always replace it.

[thedrifter]

Military Survival Rules


"Aim towards the enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Army rocket launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army training notice

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. From 30,000 feet, every single bomb always hits the ground." - U.S. Air Force ammunition memo.

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army preventive maintenance publication

[thedrifter]

How to Be Annoying During the Air Force Stationary Bike Test



1. Wear a bike helmet to the test. Optional: Include knee and elbow pads.
2. Demand the tester wear a reflective road guard vest "for safety."
3. Bring a bike horn and attach it. Each time the tester adjusts the tension, honk the horn loudly and yell, "Get the hell out of the way, you idiot!"
4. Bring a bike bell and attach it. Ring it once every 15 seconds - "Just to maintain your rhythm."
5. Attach streamers to the hand grips.
6. Bring a playing card to the test. Demand that it be inserted in the spokes.
7. Pop a wheelie. Optional: Do an axle grind on the nearest table. Optional: Bunny hop the bike.
8. At the beginning of the test, peddle while standing. Tell the tester,"I'm going uphill now, you fool."
9. Halfway through the test, stop peddling and lower your head between thehandle bars and stick your butt in the air. Explain to the tester, "I'm coasting downhill and about to take the lead in the Tour De France!!!"
10. Signal all turns.
11. Make motorcycle sounds. Be sure to shift gears when the tester changes the tension.
12. Bring a sack of newspapers. Deliver them.
13. Periodically extend your legs and arms, yelling, "Look ma, no hands!"
14. Bring a friend to ride on the handle bars. Optional: Attach a kiddy seat to the back. Bring your kid.
15. Bring a bike lock. Be sure to secure the bike when you leave.

[thedrifter]

Mice In The Church


Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.

The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

[thedrifter]

Rules of the Toddler


1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

[thedrifter]

For the Sick


A little 9 year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said, " Can we leave now?"

"No." her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Well, then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about 2 minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," replied the little girl.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," she replied. "They have a box next to the front door that say 'for the sick.'"

[thedrifter]

Correction


Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog
attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From
Fearsome Dog."

The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.

The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School
Mascot."

[thedrifter]

A Cowboy's Guide to Life


1. Don't squat with your spurs on.

2. Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none.

3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

4. Always drink upstream from the herd.

5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.

6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still back there.

8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

9. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.

[thedrifter]

Some Vague Thoughts


Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California - WAS HIS

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills - Making the last car payment.

The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.

If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.

Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.

Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.

When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

Is your holier side your altar ego?

I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red? Is it three or five?

What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?

[thedrifter]

Martha Stewart's vs. My Way


Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone.


Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds.


Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy a mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.


Martha's way #4: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?


Martha's way #5: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat out every night and avoid cooking.


Martha's way #6: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.'

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.


Martha's way #7: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.


Martha's way #8: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. My motto: If it's cooked, you will eat it no matter how bad it tastes.


Martha's way #9: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?


Martha's way #10: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.


Martha's way #11: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the muscular neighbor to do it.


Martha's way #12: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Instant mashed potatoes will now be next to the anti-bacterial soap in a handy dispenser next to my sink.


Martha's way #13: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer:
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

[thedrifter]

Shoe Repair


Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

[thedrifter]

One Liners


No more about Elvis, OK? Thankyouverymuch

I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures

The meaning of life is a feeling.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Good writing means taking the effort out of the reading

A confident manner is important: Computers can sense this!

Tattoo: a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling.

Insomnia is a nightmare.

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

An alarming number of people suffer from seriousness.

A man's life is spent between episodes of women being mad at him..

Sometimes it's more important to do it than to do it right.

A wishbone has never taken the place of a backbone.

Time isn’t money . . . it’s more valuable than that.

[thedrifter]

Get well message


A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[thedrifter]

Two Lions


Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."

[thedrifter]

DUH!


If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer service then you will really appreciate this.


My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

[thedrifter]

Little Tim's Goldfish


Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."

[thedrifter]

Army Cadet


A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

[thedrifter]

He who is without sin


Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

[thedrifter]

Freckles


An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful."

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

[thedrifter]

The Firing Squad


Several dozen brunette, redhead, and blonde guys were facing execution via firing squad.

The firing squad took the brunettes first, and the leader said, "Ready, aim ... " at which point the brunettes yelled "Earthquake!!!"

The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out whether there was an earthquake or not, the brunette guys all took off and escaped.

Undaunted, the firing squad took the redheads next, and the leader again said "Ready, aim ... " at which point the redheads yelled "Tornado!!!"

The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out which direction the tornado was coming from, the redheaded guys all took off and escaped.

The firing squad took the blonde guys last, and by now the blondes had it all figured out; when the right time came just yell out the name of some natural disaster. So when the firing squad leader said "Ready, aim ... ", the blonde guys all yelled out "Fire!!!"

[thedrifter]

Growing Up


My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him.

"Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."

[thedrifter]

Ministerial Candidates


The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a ministry position.

ADAM
Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.

JESUS
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single. Has a messiah complex.

NOAH
Prone to unrealistic building projects.

ABRAHAM
Though the reference reported wife swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife.

JOSEPH
A big thinker but a braggart. Believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record. Had been accused of adultery.

MOSES
A modest and meek man but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly.

JOB
Complains a lot.

DAVID
The most promising leader of all until we discovered his affair with his neighbour's wife. His kids are out of control. Worse yet, he's a proponent of instrumental music in worship.

SOLOMON
Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives. Good with building projects though. Rather extravagant.

ELIJAH
Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. Spends too much time in wilderness. Loner. No wife that we know of.

SAMSON
Hair is too long.

JONAH
Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. Known to pout when things don't go his way. We hung up.

MELCHIZEDEK
Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.

JOHN
Says he's a Baptist but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Has a weird diet. Provokes denominational leaders. Is too social and political minded. Offends politicians and is
known to lose his head on occasion.

PETER
Too blue collar. Has a bad temper. Has even been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon. Probably speaks in tongues. Claims to have visions.

PAUL
Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. Controversial on women's issues. Admits to speaking in tongues. Has recommended young men to drink wine. Little chance that he will ever marry.

TIMOTHY
Too young.

METHUSELAH
Too old. WAY too old.

JUDAS
His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative and pragmatic. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

[thedrifter]

Some Good Ones


1. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

2. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds the demand.

3. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

4. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

5. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

6. It's easier to fight for ones' principles than to live up to them.

7. I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path.

8. Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

9. It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

10. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

11. I don't get even, I get older.

12. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

13. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

14. I am a nutritional overachiever.

15. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

16. I am having an out of money experience.

17. I am in shape. round is a shape.

18. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

19. A day without sunshine is like night.
20. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

21. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

22. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

23. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

24. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

25. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

[thedrifter]

Keeping Up


This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

Their windows are open and he yells at the
guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone
in there?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course
I do." "I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU
have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do
you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here
- see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Granada
takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about
to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Granada are all fogged
up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls
and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.

The man in the Granada finally opens the
window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember
me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out - I got a double bed
installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME
OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

[thedrifter]

Cross Examination


A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

[thedrifter]

Genie in a good mood


One day, a genie was in a remarkably good mood, so he decided to go around the world, granting people their fondest wishes.

First, he came to London, where he saw a very sad-looking Englishman. He said to the man, "I am a genie. Tell me what you want most, and I will grant it to you."

The Englishman said, "My cousin Nigel has the most beautiful mansion you ever saw, but I don't even have a house at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful house and not me? Well, I want you to give me a house even bigger than Nigel's."

The genie snapped his fingers, and the house appeared magically. The Englishman was delighted.

Next, the genie went to Paris, where he saw a sad Frenchman. The genie asked the Frenchman what he wanted most. The Frenchman said, "My cousin Pierre has the most beautiful wife you ever saw, but I don't have a wife at all. It's not fair!
Why should HE have a beautiful wife and not me? I want you to give me a wife even more beautiful than Pierre's."

The genie snapped his fingers, and a beautiful woman appeared. The Frenchman was delighted.

Next, the genie went to Chicago, where he saw a sad-eyed American. The genie asked him what he wanted most in life. The American answered, "My cousin Marty has the most beautiful sports car you ever saw, but I don't have a car at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful car and not me? I want you to give me a sports car even nicer than Marty's."

The genie snapped his fingers, and a deluxe Maserati appeared. The American was delighted.

Next, the genie went to Tokyo, where he saw a sad-looking Japanese man. He asked the man what he wanted most. The Japanese man said, "My cousin Kenji has a high paying job with the biggest corporation in Japan, and I can't find a job at all. It's not fair! I'm as good as he is. Why should HE have such a great job and not me? I want you to give me a job even better than Kenji's."

The genie snapped his fingers, and it was done.

Finally, the genie went to the Middle East, where he saw a sad looking Arab. He asked the Arab what he wanted most in life. The Arab answerd, "My cousin Abdul has the most beautiful flock of goats you ever saw, while I don't have any goats at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is. Why should HE have such beautiful goats and not me?"

The genie smiled and said, "So, you want a beautiful flock of your own?"

The Arab snarled, "Of course not, you idiot! I want you to kill all of Abdul's goats!"

[thedrifter]

Vet Cure


A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc..

Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

[thedrifter]

Just a Little Help


The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching
enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"

Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens:

"All right, just half of you this time!"

[thedrifter]

Brain Transplant


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The Doctor quickly responded, '$25,000 for a male brain, and $3,000 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

[thedrifter]

Repeat Offender


A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?"

"Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in
anyway!"

[thedrifter]

Discoveries


Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that.

[thedrifter]

Separation


A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"

The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."

[thedrifter]

Wrong Number


Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, It's me."

"Sugar!"

"Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500."

"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000!"

"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000, OK?"

"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know to whom this phone belongs?"

[thedrifter]

Ice Cream Knock Knocks


Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!


Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream soda!
Ice cream soda who?
ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME...

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream of Jeannie!

[thedrifter]

The World's Smartest Dog?


As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and yells at the the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What in the world are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius? I don't think so. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[thedrifter]

Little Bobby


Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

[thedrifter]

Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts


The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

You will have trouble with the ties on your dobok pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the instructor will be sick.

The instructor will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.

[thedrifter]

You told her what?


A woman went to doctors office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor calmly continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[thedrifter]

Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams


The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

A harp is a nude piano.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.

I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

[thedrifter]

Are you a true elementary school teacher?


Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out:

1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?

3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time?"

6. Do you say "I like the way you did that!" to the mechanic who repairs your car to your satisfaction?

7. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?

8. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?

9. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

10. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?


-If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you
missed your calling.

-If you answered yes to 7 or more, well, maybe it's TOO MUCH in your soul--you should probably think about retirement.

-If you answered yes to all 10, forget it--you'll ALWAYS be a teacher, retired or not!

[thedrifter]

Three Bikers


An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in. As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.

Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied," Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"

[thedrifter]

Nothing Special


"May I take your order, sir?" the waiter asked.

"Yes. How do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

[thedrifter]

Airport Mix-Up


During the 'rush hour' at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem.

Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for them.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, 'We apologise for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.'

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. 'Sorry,' he said, wrong plane.'

[thedrifter]

A Side Order of Blondes


Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.

One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"

"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

[thedrifter]

The Untold History of Santa Claus


1689 - Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and establishes a small base camp.

1691 - Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew abandons him.

1692 - Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds he is able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.

1703 - Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but still intact.

1704 - Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar base.

1705 - Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.

1716 - After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with polar artifacts, as well as the phony ones making charlatans rich. Seeing this decline, Claus decides to invest his money by starting a toy company in his native Germany.

1720 - Claus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but only because of Claus' underhanded business dealings. (It was also rumored that Claus was dealing with enemy countries as well). Competitors urged government officials to begin an investigation.

1721 - Enough evidence is found, and charges are drawn up against the Claus Toys Company. Claus himself refuses to release his records.

1722 - The German Supreme Court finds Claus guilty of tax evasion and of treason. When news of this breaks, Claus' employees all turn against him and his company.

1723 - Claus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he absconds with all of the company's funds.

1724 - A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the funds, however, Claus hears of this ahead of time, and he and his Sicilian wife flee for their lives. (Some say he went into Northern Africa, but it is generally assumed that this was only a ruse to lure the searchers off course. He is believed to have returned to his North Pole base).

1725 - Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.

1725-1734 - The Claus' lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches his son the arts of toymaking and business dealings.

1735 - Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to construct a castle for him at the North Pole, making use of almost half of the company funds.

1739 - The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world. Claus II reaches his fifteenth birthday, and in the same year, Claus' wife dies, accidentally falling from a balcony in one of the castle's great halls.

1740 - Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.

1745 - Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the castle and of his sick father.

1747 - Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city around the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.

1748 - Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of Eastern Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and striving for a better life, begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.

1753 - All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly established at the North Pole. Claus II begins his father's toy company once again, with an estimated 30,000 elves employed. Claus I dies, at age 89.

1755 - The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his wife take the throne. The toy business continues to flourish, and the elves enjoy prosperity. Claus III is born.

1757 - The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by Claus II to begin an ambitious project--that of breeding and training reindeer to fly.

1773 - The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and III's major form of transportation.

1774 - A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits light. He becomes an outcast of the reindeer society, and is taken in by the Claus government. Claus II celebrates his 50th birthday, inviting several other world leaders for a stay at his castle. To impress them, he displays a lavish show of wealth, all at the elves' expense. He gives the other leaders the impression of a dictatorship under the guise of royalty. The elves sense this, and the seeds of rebellion are planted.

1777 - As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin to search for a leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still in favor of the Claus government, sees their plight and begins thinking of ways to use it to his advantage.

1784 - On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down main street during the Christmas day parade, and is assasinated by a radical faction of elves. Claus III, now 29, takes over immediately and puts martial law into effect for the whole North Pole. Civil war breaks out as Rudolf leads the Elves in rebellion.

1785-1792 - The Seven-year Strike takes place. The elves refuse to make toys, and the Claus Toy Company nearly goes bankrupt, as the North Pole hits an economic low. Claus III, fearing for his life, becomes a prisoner of his own castle. Rudolf rises to the peak of his power, and sets himself as leader of the elven community.

1796 - Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully attempt to invade Norway. Over 10,000 elves are killed.

1800 - Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV is born.

1802 - After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that he is quickly losing favor with the elves. Frosty the Snowman is built, brought to life, and used as a political scapegoat.

1804 - Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and the elves are calmed of their unrest, for the moment.

1819-1826 - After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally ousted, and Claus III, aged 71, rightfully regains the throne. Prince Claus IV is introduced to the elves publicly for the first time.

1827-1841 - The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the near-bankrupt Claus Toys Company out of dormancy and appoints his son as president. In order to clear their bad name and make up for their out-of-the-way location, they decide to start the hugest advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas, Claus IV will ride all over the world, distributing free toys to children everywhere. The ad campaign becomes a hit, but remains very costly.

1837 - Claus III dies.

1851 - As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and the elves are asked to work harder, longer hours and still take a pay cut. They start to complain, but Claus assures them he will do all he can to help them. As a sign of goodwill, Claus IV marries an Elven wife, strengthening the bonds between the Claus family and the Elves.

1856 - Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides to stay at home, and so he suggests that department stores use costumed employees to represent him. They do, and it works out so well that he decides to do it every year.

1857-1867 - Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting with his elf relatives and friends. Claus IV, who spends most of his time building up the company, doesn't seem to mind, in fact, he feels that it's good publicity.

1871 - Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and they try to convince Claus V to overthrow his father and give the government back to the elves.

1872 - Claus V usurps his father's throne, sending him to live the remainder of his life under guard in the castle's west wing.

1875 - After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses communism as the new form of government for the North Pole. Some elves protest this, but they are successfully quieted. (It is also because of communism that Santa Claus' suit later changes from beige to red.)

continued...

[thedrifter]

1881 - Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new Government gets underway. His funeral is not a large one.

1887 - In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys becomes industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass production on the assembly line.

1893 - Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II in honor of the first one, whom the communist government now honors for "giving the government back to the elves."

1900 - Sigmund Freud's "The Interpretation of Dreams" is published.

1902 - After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman is claimed to have been sighted on several occasions. All throughout the kingdom, children claim that they all heard him say he'd be back again some day.

1906 - Claus VI is born. The Claus family celebrates, but the elves aren't the least bit excited.

1909-1922 - The toys distributed yearly begin to show signs of propaganda influence. Frosty the Snowman continues to appear occasionally, and Claus V begins to grow uneasy, fearing some sort of hidden sabotage.

1925 - Claus V dies, under mysterious circumstances. He is found buried in the snow in the castle garden, frozen solid. Many think it is the work of Frosty, but no one can prove it.

1926 - Claus VI takes over, and immediately tightens up security. He rules with an iron hand, but a fair one. Electric lights are installed in the streets, and the castle and the town gets electricity. The factories are expanded, and the toys continue to be used as propaganda for the world.

1929 - Angered by Claus' commercialization of Christmas, the Grinch attempts to remove the material goods to show the true meaning of Christmas. He fails, and later Claus commissions a cartoon, which warps the story so that the Grinch is made out to be the villian.
1949 - Claus VII is born.

1979 - Claus VI dies of natural causes.

1933-1990 - The North Pole remains stable, with everything running smoothly. Across the Western world, a pattern starts to emerge and become noticed. Children receive Claus' toys each Christmas, but as they grow older, their parents throw them away. When they have children of their own, they are surprised to see the toys once again, and when the children grow up the toys are thrown off again, and so the cycle goes on.

1991 - First sightings of Anti-Claus.

1993 - Anti-Claus is observed closely with telescopes, and photographed. His suit is like that of Santa Claus, but with the reds and whites reversed. He carries a 3-ply Hefty bag full of gifts no one wants or needs. And instead of using reindeer and a sleigh, he rides in a bathtub pulled by eight flying cows.

1997 - Anti-Claus is radar tracked and found to live in an underground hideout run by dwarves at the South Pole.

2002 - Communism fails utterly at the North Pole due to the nature of the elves. Claus VII, flying clockwise around the earth making the Christmas rounds, collides with Anti-Claus, who was flying counterclockwise. A huge explosion and blinding flash of light occurs, leading scientists to believe that they annihilated each other.

2007 - The North Pole becomes a democracy, run wholly by the elves. Christmas is no longer commercialized or exploited. Happiness is finally achieved throughout the kingdom.

2011 - It is discovered that Claus VII did not die in the explosion, but merely made it appear so.

[thedrifter]

Honor Thy Brother


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

[thedrifter]

Sleeping Arrangements


One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

"The big sissy."

[thedrifter]

Fasten Seat Belts


Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.

Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.

"In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"

[thedrifter]

An ID Ten T Error


Young Judy was having trouble with her computer, so she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk.

Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression came over Judy's face. "An ID Ten T Error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Tony gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

She wrote... I D 1 0 T

[thedrifter]

Too helpful


Working for a Judge in a common pleas court, I saw many criminal defendants. One man facing drug charges proved unusually helpful.

To determine the exact quantity of the illegal substance allegedly sold, the judge asked the prosecutor how many grams there are in an ounce.

As both attorneys checked their notes, the defendant, who had not yet entered his plea, proudly announced, "There are 28.3 grams in an ounce, your honor."

His attorney advised him to plead guilty.

[thedrifter]

Great-uncle George


The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

[thedrifter]

You're Not a Kid Anymore When


You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

You enjoy watching the news.

The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.

The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

People ask what color your hair USED to be.

You're proud of your lawnmower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

Your car has four doors.

You routinely check the oil in your car.

You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style TWICE.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in."

You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it.

You write thank you notes without being told.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

[thedrifter]

Animal Crackers


A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

[thedrifter]

X rays of a trauma patient


While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of both femurs and pelvis. "What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree. "I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Acme
Tree Experts."

Gazing intently at the X rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'experts.'"

[thedrifter]

50th Anniversary


While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

[thedrifter]

Too Late, He's Long Dead


The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town.

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

[thedrifter]

Car Sale


Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.

One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."

"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

[thedrifter]

Excuses for Not Coming to Work


I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all my guns today.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Kroger.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

[thedrifter]

The Score


When I was visiting a friend who lived on the edge of a wilderness preserve, we drove along a rutted trail, and we saw a small creek ahead whose bridge was under water.

"We have a serious beaver problem," our friend said. "They build dams that cause the creek to flood. Forest rangers take down the dams, and the beavers rebuild them."

As we got closer, we could see a large scoreboard posted by the bridge.

It read: BEAVERS 3 RANGERS 0

[thedrifter]

Relaxing Weekends


Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:

"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

[thedrifter]

Queen Size


A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,

"Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"

[thedrifter]

The Water Closet


A certain English lady visited Switzerland and was having difficulty finding a room, so she asked the local schoolmaster to help her. After a satisfactory room had been found, she returned to her home and did some packing.

Suddenly, it occured to her that she hadn't noticed a W.C. (in England, the toilet is called a Water Closet), so she wrote the schoolmaster about the W.C.

The Schoolmaster, not knowing the meaning, asked the parish priest and together they decided that it must mean "Wayside Chapel." He wrote her the following letter:


Dear Madame,

It is my pleasure to inform you that there is a W.C. just 9 miles from your home, in the center of a grove of pine trees. It seats 229 people, and it is open on Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate situation if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, no
doubt, be glad to hear that some people bring their lunches and make a day of it.

I would especially recommend Thursdays, for then there is an Organ accompaniment. The accoustics in the W.C. are excellent; even the most delicate sound can be heard.

My son was married in the W.C. and there was such a rush for seats that 10 people had to sit in the same seat. The looks on their faces were very interesting.

My wife is sickly but dedicated. She doesn't go regularly, and she hasn't gone for nearly a year.

I will be glad to reserve a seat in the W.C. for you, where you will be seen and heard by everyone.

Hoping I have been of some assistance.

Sincerely yours,
The Schoolmaster

[thedrifter]

Excited about marriage


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

[thedrifter]

The Good Old Days


Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first
started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

[thedrifter]

Slow Sammy


A young fellow by the name of Sammy liked to hang out at Mom and Pop's Grocery Store. Pop didn't know what Sammy's problem was, but the other boys would tease him all the
time, calling him Slow Sammy, and punching him on the shoulder as they passed.

To mock him for being slow, they would offer him a dime and a nickel, telling him he could
have just one. They said he always took the nickel because it was bigger.

One day after Sammy took the nickel, Pop pulled him to one side and said, "Son, don't you know they're making fun of you? They think you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you really grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

"No," Sammy said, "but if I took the dime they'd quit doing it!"

[thedrifter]

George and Moses


George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing
white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The
man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked
again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you
Moses".

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last
time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the
wilderness".

[thedrifter]

Thanks for Flying


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"

[thedrifter]

Chin-Chin


Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors. The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client ..."

"Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree."

The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."

[thedrifter]

Grandma's Home


When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your
grandmother?" I asked.

"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."

"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

[thedrifter]

Baptism


A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

[thedrifter]

Fetch


The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch with him."

"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.

"Why not?" the doctor asked.

"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."

[thedrifter]

20 Uses for Fruitcake


1. Use as a doorstop

2. Use as a paper weigh

3. Use to clean your pots and pans

4. Use as boat anchor

5. Use as bricks in fireplace

6. Build a house with them

7. Use it to hold up your Christmas tree

8. Use as a pencil holder

9. Give it to the cat for a scratching post

10. Put it in the back yard to feed the birds and squirrels

11. Hold up your car when changing tires

12. Slice and use for poker chips

13. Use it to carve your turkey on

14. Use as replacement for Duraflame log

15. Take it camping with you...use it to weigh down the tent

16. Use it as a seat at a stadium event

17. Stand on it when you change a lightbulb

18. Put it in the back of your car/truck for snow/ice driving

19. Replaces free weights when you work out

20. Use as book ends at the school library

[thedrifter]

Insurance for his new motorcycle


A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"

"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"

[thedrifter]

Applicable Laws


Lerman's Law of Technology:
Any technical problem can be overcome given
enough time and money.
Corollary:
You are never given enough time or money.

Law of the Search:
The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary:
It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

Kaufman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

Kenny's Law of Auto Repair:
The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary -
If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary:
All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

Lampner's Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

Quile's Consultation Law:
The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

Loftus' Law:
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

Lovka's Dilemma:
You never get away, you only get someplace else.

[thedrifter]

Three old men


Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times
three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

[thedrifter]

The Toaster Oven


One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.

"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.

"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."

[thedrifter]

Hilarious Newspaper Headlines


1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
11. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
16. War Dims Hope for Peace
17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

[thedrifter]

Flower Switch


A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site, and the owner read the card, which said, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

[thedrifter]

How To Ask A Man To Do Something


Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

[thedrifter]

Special Panties...


A lady who had been married for several years was
growing more and more frustrated at her husband's
lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways
to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship,
and finally decided to purchase some crotchless
underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television,
she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the
crotchless undies and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her husband and the
television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his
chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied.
"Look what it did to your underwear."

[thedrifter]

Blonde Aggies


A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed: "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!

[thedrifter]

Enemies in the West


A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."

[thedrifter]

New Year's Dinner


As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

[thedrifter]

Tip Revenge


A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

[thedrifter]

Theological debate


The thoroughly secular young attorney and the philosopher were engaged in fierce theological debate: "Heaven and hell, you will agree, may very well be separated by a wall," contended the lawyer. Should it happen that this wall would fall down, who would you say must rebuild it?

"The righteous would insist that the wicked do it; the latter would likely refuse. If this case came before a judge, which do you believe would emerge the winner?"

"It seems to me," replied the philosopher, "that any fair-minded judge would render a verdict against the wicked, since the likelihood is that the wall should crumble from the fires of hell rather than from the bliss of Paradise.

"On the other hand," he concluded, "I fully realize that hell surely contains a full quota of glib-tongued lawyers, and I should therefore not be surprised if they won the case."

[thedrifter]

"TIPPING THE STRIPPER!"

There are five businessmen from France, Germany, England, US and Japan having fun in this strip club in down town New York. The dancer is down to her bra and panties and the French guy tries to be a gentleman, so he opens his wallet, takes out a 10 dollar bill and puts it into the girl's bra.
-" That's how we tip in France!" Says the guy with a big smile.

The German guy, not wanting to lose to a French, opens his wallet, takes out a 20 dollar bill, and puts it into the girl's bra.

-" That's how WE tip in Germany!" Says the guy with a triumphant smile.

The stripper is now down to her panties and the English guy, furious about not acting sooner, opens his wallet, takes out a 50 dollar bill, puts it into the girl's panties.

-" That's how WE bloody tip in England!" says the guy laughing loudly.

The American enjoys this game, being the richest, lights up his cigar, open his wallet, takes out a 100 dollar bill and puts it into the girl's panties.

-" And that's how WE tip in America!" says the American with a we-are-the-world smiling face.

The stripper is completely naked and everybody is wondering what the Japanese guy is going to do.

The Japanese guy smiles and watches the stripper with his wallet in his hand. He waits for the moment the stripper has her back toward them and bends over. He opens his wallet, takes out his credit card and runs it through the girl's ass cheeks.

- "Card society, Japan!"

[thedrifter]

"Holly Water!"

Three women have (a brunette, a red-head and a blond) just died and went to the gate keeper of heaven. He looked over their lives and said that they were to perffect. He said "You need to do at least one more bad thing before you can enter heaven. go down to earth tonight and come back up tomorrow to see if you can enter." So the three women went down to earth and came back up the next morning to see the gate keeper. He askes each one what they did. The brunette said that she robed the First National Bank. The gate keeper tells her to drink the holly water and go into heaven. Then he askes the red-head what she did. She replied "I set Yelllow Stone on fire." the gate keeper thinks for a minute then he told her to drink the holly water and go into heaven. Finally it was the blonds turn. The gate keeper asked her the same question and she replies " I peed in the Holly water!"

[thedrifter]

"Two DrinkinG Buddies"

One day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up “Man I really need a drink!” in response David replied, “You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk.” “Really?” said Jim “That’s what I heard man. Do you wanna try it?” Said David “Sure, hell I’ll try anything once!” Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn’t felt this good in years. “Wow!!” He said. About that time his telephone rang. “Hello?” Jim Said “Hello Jim? Came the reply “This is David man. How are you feeling this morning?” Jim said “Man I feel great no hang over not sick man I feel like a million bucks. How about you?” David replied” Me too man, but I have one question for you.” Jim said, “Sure man what is it” “Have you farted yet man?” Jim said “Ummmmm No. Why?” “Man don’t. I’m in Phoenix!”

[thedrifter]

"Duck Hunting Lawyer"


A big time lawyer from New York went duck huting in Kansas. He shot a duck while it was in the air. It happen to land in a feild next to were he was hunting. Across a fence.

A farmer was in the feild with his tractor and saw it land on his side. The lawyer climb the fence to go get the duck.


As he reach for it. The farmer said. Put that down. Thats my duck. The lawyer said no it's not. I shot it. it's mine. The farmer said it landed on my feild it's mine.


The lawyer told the farmer that he was the best lawyer in N.Y. and he would sue him for every thing he has.


The farmer said in Kansas we don't sue people to settle dispute. We do by the 1,2, 3 kick.


The lawyer said. The 1, 2, 3 kick. Whats that.


The farmer said we kick each other until one give up. And the one who give up first can have the duck.


The lawyer was a body builder also. As he size up the farmer as he got off his tractor. He agreed to the 1, 2, 3 kick.


The farmer said. I get to go first. cause the duck landed in my field. The lawyer said ok.


Well the farmer kick him in the growing and the lawyer bent over in pain. Then the farmer kick him in the nose. all most took it off. As the lawyer tryed to get up. The farmer went and kick him in the kidnees,


The lawyer went down hard. As he muster all his strength he had to get to his feet.


He Said. NOW IT'S MY TURN.


The farmer said. Nope I give up.

You can have the duck.

[thedrifter]

"Minnesoda yaa"

Two guys from International Falls die and wake up in hell.

The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves

around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Vell, ya know, we're from nordern Minnesoda, the land of snow

and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit,ya know."


The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are,still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, "Its awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?" Again the two guys reply, "Vell, like

we told you yesterday,we're from nordern Minnesoda, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya know."


This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming every where. He stops by the room with the two guys from Minnesoda and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilliing walleye and drinking beer.


The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself." The two Minnesodans reply, "Vell, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up dere in International

Falls, we've just got to have a fish fry,

when the weathers this nice."The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly

see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The

devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.


The next morning, the temperature is below

zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two

Minnesodans. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens.


They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumb founded, "I don't understand,

when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"


The Minnesodans look at the devil in surprise, "Vell, don't ya know, If hell froze over dat must mean da Vikings won da

super bowl."

[thedrifter]

"Never done nothing wild in my life !!!!"

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and took a seat next to him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow. The old man just stared at him. The young man said,"What's the matter old fart, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man replied,"Got drunk once, had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid?"

[thedrifter]

"The Unlucky Burgaler.."

A burgaler broke into a house, late at night while the family had left. The rooms were somewhat shadowy, and as the burgaler was about to ag some things, he heard a voice,"I can see you and so can Jesus!" Startled, he looked around, spying a parrot in a shadowed corner. He ignored the bird.

"I can see you and so can Jesus!" The crook attemtped to ignore it once more.."I can see you and so can Jesus!" Fed up with it's blabber, he replied, "Yeah, but you're only a bird." To which the bird answered, "Yeah, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

[thedrifter]

"Use The Camel"

There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?" The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel." "Enough!" says the commander in disgust.

Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then."

So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel. A minute later the captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon sir," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"

[thedrifter]

"the horse"

a guy walks into the bar and sees a jar of money on the table. he asks the bartender "whats the money for?" the bartender says "see that horse? you gotta make 'im laugh, and if you do, ya can have the money" the guy walks over to the horse, whispers something in his ear, and the horse starts laughing so hard tears roll down its face. as the man was collecting his money , the bartender didnt say anything, just shook his head in disbelief.

the next day the same man entered the bar, and spotted another jar of money on the counter. he asked the bartender " what do i gotta do to get that money?" and the bartender says " ya know that horse over there? now you gotta make 'im cry." the man walked over , pulled his pants down, and the horse started bawling. when the man came to collect his money, the bartender said, "i just gotta know, how the hell did you do that?"


the man replied casually "yesterday i told the horse that i had a bigger dick than he did, an today i showed him."

[thedrifter]

"alligator"

a guy walks into a bar and see a barrel full of cash so naturaly he asks the bar tender whats it for well the bar tender sez "i've got three tasks for you to do, compleate them all and its all yours"
1) you have to drink a whole barrel spicy chilli sauce without shredding a tear

2) there is an alligator outback with a tooth ache and you have to remove the tooth

3)there is a women up stairs you has never had a orgasm in her life, so you have to give her one.

the guy thinks for a second and orders a **** load of beer, now in his drunken state he drains the whole barrel, next he goes out back and the tender hears the strangest noises in his life.

so the guy comes back in and askes the tender "ok,*hic*, now wheres the lady with the tooth ache!"

[thedrifter]

"27-"

-(1)

A man stumbles into the only only person in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.

The first man responds "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another drink to Ireland."

"Of course",replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin", comes the reply.

"I can't beleive it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62".

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62 too

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much", replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

-(2)

Three Blonds are in a bar. They keep cheering and and yelling "we did it!" and "we are the best!" After this had been going on for a while a guy comes over and asks "what did you do that was so great?" and they shout "We just finished a 50 piece puzzle in two months and the box said 3 to 5 years!"

-(3)

11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope

suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.

10 were blondes, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one

of the party must let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break

and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would

sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.

-(4)

THERE'S A BLONDE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD AND SHE SEES A FARM HOUSE, SO SHE PULLS INTO THE DRIVEWAY. THE FARMER COMES OUT AND ASKS HER WHAT SHE NEEDS. SHE SAYS, "IF I GUESS HOW MANY SHEEP YOU HAVE, CAN I HAVE ONE?" AND THE FARMER SAYS, NO, I CAN'T DO THAT, YOU ARE A BLONDE. THE NEXT DAY, SHE DYES HER HAIR BROWN AND GOES BACK TO THE HOUSE. THE FARMER COME BACK OUT, AND AGAIN ASKS HOW HE CAN HELP HER. SHE SAYS," IF I CAN GUESS HOW MANY SHEEP YOU HAVE, CAN I HAVE ONE?" THE FARMER SAYS, "SURE, AS LONG AS YOU ARE NOT A BLONDE." THE "BLONDE" SAYS, YOU HAVE 14 SHEEP. THE FARMER SAYS, CORRECT, YOU CAN TAKE HOME ONE OF MY SHEEP. BUT JUST AS SHE WAS PULLING OUT, THE FARMER STOPS HER AND SAYS "IF I CAN GUESS YOUR NATURAL HAIR COLOR, CAN I HAVE MY DOG BACK?"

-(5)

There were three people about to get executed in the electric chair,a blonde,a redhead,and a brunette.First the brunette was strapped into the electric chair.The executioner asked the brunette if she had any last words,she said no.The executioner pressed the button but nothing happened so they had to let her go.Next the redhead was strapped in.They asked her if she had any last words,she said no.The executioner pressed the button but nothing happened,so they had to let her go.Then the blonde was strapped in.The executioner asked him if he had any last words and the blonde said "The electric chair would work a lot better if you plugged it in."

-(6)

A blonde was riding a horse when it started running really fast. It kept going faster and faster, and the blonde was losing her grip, so she started to slide down the horses side until she was upside down underneath the horse. The blondes head was getting knocked along the ground, and all the while, the blonde was yelling for help. Right before she passed out, the WalMart manager came and turned off the mechanical horse.

[thedrifter]

"Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies"


It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been fired from his job.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked them out.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When foreigners are alone, they all prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Every time a person turns on the television to see the news, he instantly sees what he wants and what concerns him.

[thedrifter]

"Smart Guy"

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.


"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."


Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"


When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.


Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.


Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

[thedrifter]

"Three guys go up to heaven...."

Three guys go up to heaven at the same time, and the head angel says, "it's been a busy day, so i can only let one of you in. whoever has the best story gets to go in."
the first guy said,"i had been suspecting my wife has been cheating on me for the past year, so one day when i went up to the 25th story on our apartment (where I live) i heard her in our room, and i was expecting the worst. i decided to kill the man she was cheating on me with, so i looked out the window, and here's a guy who's hanging from my telephone wire. i hammer his fingers, but he doesn't drop. i decide to throw our refrigerator out the window, so i hoisted it up on my back, and my shirt got caught, and i threw it out the window and i fell out with it."

the second guy said, "i was an innocent window washer and i was washing windows when i saw something shiny. i reached out to grab it and the next thing i know im dangeling from a telephone wire. then a freak comes up and started hammering my fingers. i decided not to let go, then a refrigerator drops on me and i die."

the third guy says, "Picture me nude in a refrigerator. Enough said."

[thedrifter]

Lessons For Life

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit

saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do

nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground

below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped

on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high

up.


Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get

to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the

energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"

replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey

pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough

strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after

eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a

fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon

he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the

tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The

brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's

responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we

carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands

said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all

the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and

the eyes until finally the ******* spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So

the ******* went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the

feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain

fevered. Eventually they all decided that the ******* should be the

Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the

work while the Boss just sat and passed out the ****!

Moral of the story:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any ******* will do.


Lesson Number 4

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a

pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last

meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally,

he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten

too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked

around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up

against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off,

thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.

Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when

he hit the floor. Dead.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know

you're full of ****.

[thedrifter]

Quickies

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.


Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.


Q: What's the ultimate rejection?

A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.


Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"


Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

A: K9P.


Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."


Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?

A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.


Q: What's another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill-dough

[thedrifter]

"A Good Salesman"

After his first day working at a department store. The manager walks up to his new sales men and asked him how many sales he had his first day.

The young man proudly answered ?One.? The manager replied ?only one, well how much was it for?? The young man responded with $39562. Curious the manager asked what he had sold.


He was buying some fishing hooks and I told him that he would probably need some stronger line to go with those hooks. He agreed but before he left I suggested he bought a new rod to go with his new line and hooks. And to my surprise he bought it as well. So I thought I would try to sell him a boat so that he could go out and catch some big fish. After deciding on the boat he realized that his car wouldn?t be able to tow the boat so I showed him the new truck we had and he bought that as well. By the time he had walked out his total was $39562.


The manager said ?you are one hell of a sales men a guy comes into buy fishing hooks and you sell him fishing line, a rod, a new boat, and even a truck?


?No? the clerk said ?He came in to buy tampons for his girlfriend and I said your weekend is pretty much shot you should go fishing!?

[thedrifter]

"Ice fishing"


A guy decided to go ice fishing one winter's day. As he started drilling his hole a voice from above said "There are no fish under the ice!" Three times he started to drill and three times he heard the same words. Finally he looked toward the sky and asked "Is that you Lord?"

"No, stupid" came the reply, "I'm the hockey rink announcer."

[Phantom Blooper]

A Chicagoan dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Chicagoan is happily swinging his hammer and
whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

The Chicagoan, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Chicago. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home.
This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Chicagoan's remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Chicagoan is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The Chicagoan replies, "This is great! Just like April in Chicago. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the Chicagoan suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice.
Confident that this will surely make the Chicagoan unhappy, the devil checks in on the Chicagoan. He is again aghast at what he sees.

The Chicagoan is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!" screams the devil.

Jumping up and down the Chicagoan throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Cubs won the world series!! "

[Phantom Blooper]

> >
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > very secluded,rural area of the state. After spending
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > substance on his plate and he questioned his
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > grandfather......."are these plates clean?"His
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > grandfather replied...."those plates
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > substance that looked like dried egg yokes....so he
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > asked again.... "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > says......"I told you before, those dishes are as
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, as he was on
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > and would not let him pass....... "Grandfather, your
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > dog won't let me out," he complained. Without
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > diverting his attention from the football game, his
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Grandfather shouted......"Coldwater, move!"

[Phantom Blooper]

1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He
didn't trust me so much.

7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

8. If the shoe fits ... buy it in every color.

9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

10. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

13. Some days are a total waste of makeup.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.

19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to
make them all yourself

[Phantom Blooper]

Women vs Men

1. NAMES - If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT - When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY - A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS - A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS - A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS - Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE - A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS - A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE - A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING - UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL - Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING - Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[Phantom Blooper]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady

and after the wedding, he laid down the following

rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what

time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I

expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you

that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,

boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies

and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are

my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just

understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock

every night . . . whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II):

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of

their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells,

"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you

a headstone that reads,

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight

at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no

good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to call her, after the

phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,

"What took you so long.."

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his

achievement. He is so proud

of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother

of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that

it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife

is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his

voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of

discretion shouts right back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

God may have created man before woman but there is

always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

YES DEAR.

[thedrifter]

"Cohones de Toro..."

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on acation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[thedrifter]

Put The Cat Out


A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say good bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

[thedrifter]

"Boring Bar"

A guy walks into a bar...no one is there except the bartender. He orders a beer...drinks it. Orders another...drinks it. Finally he says to the bartender, "Kind of boring here with only me and you...I'll tell you what....just to liven things up, I'll make a bet with you". "Okay", says the bartender, what's the bet?" "I'll bet you a beer I can bite my right eyeball", says the customer. "Oh, what the hell", says the bartender, "okay". So, the guy takes out his glass eye, bites it, and replaces it. "Okay", says the bartender, "here's your beer. You got me with that one."....The guy drinks it and says, "Tell you what...for another beer, I'll bet you I can bite my left eyeball". The bartender's thinking there's no way the guy's blind, so he takes the bet. The customer takes out his false teeth, bites his left eyeball, and collects the beer. Finishing his beer, the customer says, "One more bet!! I'll bet you I can stand on the bar...**** on you... and not get you wet". The bartender thinks..what the hell...it'll be worth it just to see what happens...so he agrees to the bet. The customer gets on the bar, pulls out his dick, and starts ****ing on the bartender...soaking him! "Goddam you, you sorry mother****er!! Look what you've done!!", screams the bartender. "Well, what the ****?", says the customer, "you can't win 'em all".

[thedrifter]

"DUMASS DOG"

Clinton walked in a bar with his dog, DumAss. Clinton said to the bartender"How bout a free drink and I'll introduce you to my dick suckin' dog, Dumass." The Bartender agreed so the all went to the back room. Clinton told the bartender to pull out his dick and he positioned Dumass in front of the bartender. "Now what ?" said the barkeep. Clinton positioned the dog closer to the bartenders dick and gave the dog the command to suck his dick. The dog just sat there.... Clinton again and again commanded the dog to suck the barkeeps dick. Dumass just sat there.. Clinton said" Now look, Dumass, I'm only gonna show you this one more time......"

[thedrifter]

-(7)

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a small bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says:

"I've heard just about enough of your degrading blond jokes, *******! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only other blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor!"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the little bastard on your knee!"

-(8)

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde walk into a bar. They sit there for a while before they talk to the bartender. He tells them that if they go into the bathroom and say something that's true into the mirror, a genie will appear and grant them one wish. If they don't say something true, they get sucked into the mirror. They all go into the bathroom. The brunette steps in front of the mirror and says "I think I'm the smartest woman in the bar." The genie appears and grants her a wish. The redhead steps in front of the mirror and says "I think I'm the prettiest woman in the bar." The genie again appears and grants her a wish. The blonde steps in front of the mirror and says "I think...." and immediately the blonde is sucked into the mirror.

-(9)

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

-(10)

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what

had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the

phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to

your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-***** called back!"

[thedrifter]

"Funniest one you'll ever hear"

One sunny day a Russian, an American and a blonde are walking down the street. They were talking and getting to know eachother and they started talking about history. The Russians chest swells up and he says proudly "We were the first to land on Mars!"
The American says "We were the first to land on the moon!" The blonde's chest puffs up the most and she says "Yeah, I bet you can't beat this, we're going to be the first to land on the sun!" The Russian and the American look at eachother and chuckle then the Russian says to the blonde "Your joking right? You think that you can do that? You'll burn if you get anywhere near it!" The blonde starts laughing and says "HELLO!!! WE'RE GOING AT NIGHT!!!!"

[thedrifter]

???Hangover Rating System???

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.


2 star hangover **

Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.


3 star hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.


4 star hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein

and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.


5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.

[thedrifter]

"Finally gonna get some........"

A college couple had been dating for about 6 months. One day in the cafeteria they are having lunch. After beating around the bush for a few minutes, the boyfriend expresses that he's interested in going "all the way". The girlfriend excalaims that she has been wanting to also but was unsure on how to address the issue. After several more minutes of small talk, the girlfriend says she is willing to finally consumate their relationship, but that the boyfriend must first meet her parents and bring protection. He agrees and accepts her invitation to dinner at her house that evening. The boyfriend proceeds directly to the pharmacy after his last class and walks directly to the condom aisle. Upon reaching said aisle, he is quickly overwhelmed by the seemingly endless variety and begins to scratch his head in indecision. Seeing this from behind the counter, the Pharmacist proceeds the boyfriends location and asks him of his quandry. After a moment of verbal stammering, he explains to the pharmicist that it's his first time buying condoms and he's not sure what kind to buy, but that he needs a lot of them as he and she are going to make a marathon night of it. The pharmicist chuckles, hands him a "bonus pack" of the most popular brand, and sends the boyfriend on his way. A few hours pass as the boyfriend feverishly prepares for the night he's hoping will make him into a man. Finally the moment of truth arrives as he arrives at his quarrys abode, with not a hair out of place and a bilfold full of condoms, he nervously rings the doorbell. After what seems a small eternity, his girlfriend answers the door and with a passionate kiss invites him throught the portal. He graciously accepts and enters to meet her parents waiting in the foyer. Gretting are extended before all are ushered into the formal dining room for the evening meal. Upon sitting down, the girlfriend invites her extremely nervous and uncomfortable boyfriend to say Grace before dinner is served. The boyfriend eagerly accepts and commences with the longest, most religious, heartfelt prayer in all of history. At the end of the prayer, the girlfriend exclaims "I had no idea you were so religious". The boyfriend sweating from his labor exlaims in turn "I had no idea your father was a pharmicist"!

[thedrifter]

"Gotta Have Faith"

A priest, Baptist minister & a rabbi were having lunch when the priest & minister started talking about fishing. "you know, said the rabbi, I should take up fishing. Well, said the priest, come with us. We're going this afternoon." They're out in the boat fishing when suddenly the priest steps out of the boat & walks a few yards away & begins fishing. The rabbi is dumbfounded seeing the priest walk on water. A while later the minister joins the priest.The rabbi is shocked. Finally he thinks, "my faith is as strong as theirs. If they can walk on water so can I. He steps out of the boat & almost drowns. He struggles back in the boat. Soon, he tries again with the same result. The priest looks over at the minister & says, " ya think we should tell that stupid son of a ***** where the rocks are'?

[thedrifter]

"A Fishermans Tale"

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."


The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

[marinemom]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect
one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now"

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."

[thedrifter]

How to Detect a Mental Deficiency


A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

[thedrifter]

Proverbs As Told By Children


A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:

As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!

A penny saved is... not much.

Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.

Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.

[thedrifter]

Marriage Humor


The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[thedrifter]

Get Proof


A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."

[thedrifter]

Too Many Questions


Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.

Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!

Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?

Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions...like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"

[thedrifter]

Brownie recipe


Here's a recipe to make Mom's famous brownies!

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.

Take shortening can away from Jr and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Jr. and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.

Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.

Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Frosting--Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine.

Take the %$$&#&% teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.

Put Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

[thedrifter]

Get to the Back of the Line


It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30AM, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he complained to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"

[thedrifter]

No Tail Light


"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

[thedrifter]

Groucho Says


Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

[thedrifter]

"BOOTS"

A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet. He walks into the pet store and goes up to the

service assistant.'Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet'. The service assistant says I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede'. 'Cool!' the man exclaims, 'I'll take it!'

The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says: 'Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the pub for a beer?'The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks, 'I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask

again. Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, 'Hey centipede,how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?' Again, the centipede doesn't answer him. 'Hmmmmm' the guy thinks to himself, 'I'll just go off and watch this TV show, come back and ask him again'. Half an hour passes and the guy returns to the centipede. 'I'll just ask him one more time' he tells himself. 'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?' The centipede looks up at the man and says, 'For ****'s sake man, I heard you the first time! I'm putting my boots on

[thedrifter]

Pheasant Flies Up Tree


A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven"t got the energy".

Well, why don"t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They"re packed with nutrients".

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story:

Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won"t keep you there.

[thedrifter]

"beer slinging rats"


One friday afternoon three rats meet at the bar to sling back a few cold ones and shoot the ****.
One beer leads to another and befor they know it two of the rats start comparing tough rat stories.

The first rat says "I've got no fear, ya know them big old traps? Well I just stick my hand right in em and snatch out the days lure. Don't even faze me!"

The second rat just shrugs his shoulders and says "Yeh well you know that green poison? I eat that **** like cheese. Dont even get a little heartburn, I love that ****!"

The third rat half listening stands up, finishes off the last of his beer, slams the pounder on the bar and says "Well guys I'm outta here I gotta go home and **** the cat!"

[thedrifter]

"Midgits"

Two midgits walk into a bar somewhere in the artic. They go up to the bartender and ask: "excuse me sir but do you have any midgits nuns around here". The bartender replies "no". One midgit looks over at the other and says "see, I told you that you ****ed a penguin!"

[thedrifter]

LA High School Maths Exam...
... City of LAHigh School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:________________ Gang:________________


1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he missed 6 out of 10 shots, and shoots 11 times at each drive-by, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $220 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the coke if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $63 per trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 lb. of heroine to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. How many Chevys will he have to steel to make $600?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $1,000 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the ***** that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can Rodney spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 4 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the gang has Hector knocked up?

[thedrifter]

A College Christmas
Twas the night before finals,

And all through the college,

The students were praying

For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,

But none touched their beds,

While visions of essays

danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,

A few were still drinking,

And hoping that liquor

would loosen up their thinking.

In my own apartment,

I had been pacing,

And dreading exams

I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,

His nose in his books,

And my comments to him

Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,

And brewed a new pot,

No longer caring

That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,

But my thoughts were muddy,

My eyes went ablur,

I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"

I said with a shiver,

But each place I called

Refused to deliver.

I'd nearly concluded

That life was too cruel,

With futures depending

On grades had in school.

When all of a sudden,

Our door opened wide,

And Patron Saint Put It Off

Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,

Her manner was mellow,

She started to bellow:

"What kind of student

Would make such a fuss,

To toss back at teachers

What they tossed at us?"

"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!

On Last Year's Exams!

On Wingit and Slingit,

And Last Minute Crams!"

Her message delivered,

She vanished from sight,

But we heard her laughing

Outside in the night.

"Your teachers have pegged you,

So just do your best.

Happy Finals to All,

And to All, a good test."

[thedrifter]

Smart Whale


A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when

they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship

that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of

our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and

sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon

however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were

swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the

female, "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the

shore." At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming

reluctant to follow him.

"What's the matter darling?"

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse

to swallow the seamen."

[thedrifter]

"Damn Fish"

A little boy was selling fish at the corner. "Damn fish here! Get your Damn fish here!" When a bishop walks by. "My son you don't have to use such profoned launguage." he says "No Sir. i got them from a Dam." so the bishop byes some and went home.
He hand s his wife the fish and says"Honey will you cook my Damn Fish?" the wife replies "No i got them from a boy who got them from a Dam."

so the wife cooks them. later on at dinner time the father the mother and there son were all eating when the dad says to the son "Please pass the Damn Fish." the boy says "Right on dad! will you please pass the ****ing potatos?"

[thedrifter]

"Very Funny The Rabbit, Bear and Genie"

There was a Genie that saw a bear chasing a rabbit the genie said if the bear stops he will grant them each two wishes. They Agree the bear says " I want to have the bigest penis that any bear ever had so it is granted the rabbit says " I want a motorcycle" the genie shrugs and grants his wish. Then the bear said I want all the bears but me to be female that is also granted then the rabbit starts his motorcycle and says " I wish the bear was gay" and rides off

[thedrifter]

"Duck Hunting Lawyer"

A big time lawyer from New York went duck huting in Kansas. He shot a duck while it was in the air. It happen to land in a feild next to were he was hunting. Across a fence.

A farmer was in the feild with his tractor and saw it land on his side. The lawyer climb the fence to go get the duck.


As he reach for it. The farmer said. Put that down. Thats my duck. The lawyer said no it's not. I shot it. it's mine. The farmer said it landed on my feild it's mine.


The lawyer told the farmer that he was the best lawyer in N.Y. and he would sue him for every thing he has.


The farmer said in Kansas we don't sue people to settle dispute. We do by the 1,2, 3 kick.


The lawyer said. The 1, 2, 3 kick. Whats that.


The farmer said we kick each other until one give up. And the one who give up first can have the duck.


The lawyer was a body builder also. As he size up the farmer as he got off his tractor. He agreed to the 1, 2, 3 kick.


The farmer said. I get to go first. cause the duck landed in my field. The lawyer said ok.


Well the farmer kick him in the growing and the lawyer bent over in pain. Then the farmer kick him in the nose. all most took it off. As the lawyer tryed to get up. The farmer went and kick him in the kidnees,


The lawyer went down hard. As he muster all his strength he had to get to his feet.


He Said. NOW IT'S MY TURN.


The farmer said. Nope I give up.

You can have the duck.

[thedrifter]

"Hold up"

Know the difference between a "Hold-Up"
and a "Stick-Up"?

Well, when you're young, IT sticks up,

when you're old, you have to hold IT up!

[thedrifter]

"A Likely Story"

A man bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.


"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 . . . then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought, and

pulled over.


The officer came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."


The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."


"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[thedrifter]

"American ingenuity"

THREE MEN, ONE GERMAN, one Japanese, and a good ol' American hillbilly were sitting together in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his wrist and the beeping stopped. "That was my pager, " he explained. "I have a micro chip implanted under the skin of my wrist."


The hillbilly is naturally amazed!


A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear, and spoke briefly in Japanese. When he finished he lowered his hand and explained, "That was my cell phone. I have a micro chip implanted in my hand."


The hillbilly was dazzled, but of course he had nothing to compare to what the other two guys had. But not wanting to be outdone, he came up with an idea.


Wrapping his towel around his waist, he stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging out from under the back of his towel!


The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said...


"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

[thedrifter]

New Airline Food Policy


It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the South.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked
the man seated in front of me.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

[thedrifter]

Parking


I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually
just put my car in park."

[thedrifter]

Some "Senior" personal ads


FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

[thedrifter]

Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work


1. You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2002

2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

3. You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

4. You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

5. People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

6. No longer content with merely photocopying your hand, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

7. You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

8. The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

[thedrifter]

A dark, stormy, night


It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect
salute, and snapped out, "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again, and said, "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said, "Good trade, Sir!"