Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Having Faith...

A Navy chaplain stationed with a Marine Corps unit in North Carolina had always preached to the young Marines in his flock about how they should always have faith that God would provide for them. Faith, after all, was the cornerstone of his belief in God.

One day, after several weeks of heavy rain, portions of the base had to be evacuated. The faithful chaplain resisted attempts by the Marines to evacuate him with the rest of the residents of the base. "God will save me," he argued.

Not wanting to disagree with the chaplain, the Marines obligingly left the chaplain to fend for himself as the waters rose to the top of the steps of the chapel. About that time, some Marines in a rescue boat floated by. "Get in," one of the Marines shouted, slowing the boat down.

"I'm afraid I'll have to pass on the ride," the chaplain argued.

"You'll drown," the Marine informed him.

"I have faith. God will save me," the chaplain said, standing his ground.

Later, the water had risen to the roof of the chapel where the chaplain now stood with his ankles in the water. Along came another boat. "Get in," said one of the Marines aboard.

Once again, the chaplain disagreed. "I have faith. God will save me."

"Suit yourself," the Marine said, moving along with the boat.

A while later, the water was up to the top of the steeple. The chaplain was up to his knees in water. Along came a helicopter. A Marine aboard dropped a rope down and instructed him to climb aboard.

The chaplain waved his hands over his head and said, "I have faith. God will save me."

"We're low on fuel," the Marine in the helicopter said. "Get in now or we'll have to leave without you."

The chaplain didn't budge. True to his word, the Marine in the helicopeter left the chaplain behind to drown. Moments later, the chaplain was slogging up to Heaven's gate to see St. Peter.

"Ah, yes," St. Peter said, "The chaplain."

"What happened down there?" The chaplain asked. "I had faith all my life and you couldn't even save me from drowning."

"What are you talking about?" St. Peter asked.

"I kept telling everyone that God would save me, yet I drowned."

St. Peter opened the log book on his desk and looked through it for a while. "Ah, yes, here it is," he said. "We sent two boats and a helicopter. What more did you expect."

[thedrifter]

Who is the toughest?

General Al Gray was the Commandant of the Marine Corps from the late 1980s to the early 1990s. As Commandant, General Gray was known to be a old Marine who prided himself in his own toughness and the toughness of his fellow Marines...

During a joint training exercise, General Gray found himself sitting at a camp fire with three other generals, making one representative from each branch of the service.

Being the tough old salt that he was, General Gray would have preferred to be in the field with his Marines, but he was stuck with present company.

"I can tell by how this exercise is going that my soldiers are the toughest," an army general chimed in.

General Gray said nothing, but gave a concerned glance to the army general as General Gray started to stir the campfire.

[thedrifter]

Veteran Bar

Four retired Navy vets are walking down the street window shopping. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they could judge the 'book by its cover'. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred and says, "That'll be 40 cents, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?" The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on that stuff. But, here's my story. I'm a retired Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a bar! . Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer, all the same." "Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "Oh, those are retired Marines. They're waiting for happy hour."

[thedrifter]

EIGHTY YEARS OLD




An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

[thedrifter]

Asprin

guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is feeling a little
frisky
> > > but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in
bed
with
> > > her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her
> > > mouth.
> > >
> > > She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in
my
> > > mouth?"
> > >
> > > He says, "Two aspirin."
> > >
> > > She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
> > >
> > > He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear".
> >

[thedrifter]

Space the final ????????


The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble
photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite
some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the
Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see lawyers rushing to the scene

[thedrifter]

Fifty-Fifty

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50."

The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use our teeth."

[thedrifter]

The Generous Travel Agent

A travel agent looked up from his desk and saw an older lady and an older gentleman peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop.

"I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off!

About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency.

"And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

[thedrifter]

Six-Foot

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot *******?"

Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"

[thedrifter]

Sleeping Like a Baby

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"

He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then woke up and cried for a couple of hours..."

[thedrifter]

Goodbye, mother

I was walking through the supermarket to pick up a few things when I noticed an old lady following me around. Thinking nothing of it, I ignored her and continued on. Finally I went to the checkout line, but she got in front of me.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," I said to her, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," I said. An odd request, but no harm would come of it. As the old woman was leaving, I called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As I stepped up to the checkout counter, I saw that my total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" I asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[thedrifter]

Survival

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief..... "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

[thedrifter]

Chinese Torture Tests

A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.

When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.

The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."

[thedrifter]

The Agent

The agent of a beautiful actress discovered one day that the actress had been selling her body for 100 dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.

She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay her the same 100 dollars that the other customers did.

He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's 10% as a deduction?"

"No, siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it just like the other Johns."

The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.

That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local nightclub. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.

At 1 a.m., she was awakened again. And again, she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.

"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."

"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door selling tickets."

[thedrifter]

Skydiving the Wrong Way

A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He started to panic, but remembered his back-up chute. He pulled that cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail.

Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

[thedrifter]

How Long Until I Can Get a Haircut?

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy walks out.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." Once again, the guy leaves the shop.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." Again, the guy walks out.

The barber is getting curious. He looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop laughing. The barber asks, "Bill, where did the guy go when he left here?"

"To your house."

[thedrifter]

Rosebuds

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

[Art Petersn]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded saying one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.

Her friend asked, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"


HellOOOooo," answered the blonde, "They're watch dogs!

[thedrifter]

Life Insurance Sales


Private Jones was assigned to the army induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the lieutenant stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which recruits do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[thedrifter]

Lesson In Logic


A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

[thedrifter]

That Sounds Dirty


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!

4.My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office isn't:

1. it's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offence?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in a law firm isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf isn't:

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.

[thedrifter]

Wrong Way


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

[thedrifter]

Im leaving You


The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

"But why--" asked the startled father.

"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

[thedrifter]

Who Wears the Pants


Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat......

He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on."

So, she did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them".

I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on."

So she does and says, "these are too large, they don't fit me."

Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine."

So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

So Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change your smartass attitude, you never will."

[lurchenstein]

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.
The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties"
"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck
between her "cheeks" that said 'From all of us at the Fire
>Station. We'll never forget you'."

[thedrifter]

I'm Waiting

Judi was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.

"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

"I'm waiting," Jon said.

"Waiting for what?" asked Judi.

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller fellow."

[thedrifter]

Rug Burned

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

[thedrifter]

Listening to the Ground

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to
the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He
can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one
white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows
how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are,
who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour
ago."

[thedrifter]

The Avon Lady

An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had
to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air
with her deodorizer.

Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began
to sniff.

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Why, yes, I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone ****
in a pine tree."

[thedrifter]

The I.R.S

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."

Sincerely,

I. Gettook Everyear

[thedrifter]

Give Me a Good Excuse

A man was driving home late one afternoon above the speed limit. He noticed a police car with its red lights in his rearview mirror. He thought, "I can outrun this guy," so he floored it and the race was on. The cars were racing down the highway at 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy figured, "What the heck," and gave up. He pulled over to the curb. The police officer got out of his cruiser and approached the car.

He leaned down and said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rearview mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

The officer let him go.

[thedrifter]

Cowboy Health Secret

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[thedrifter]

Cowboy Wishes

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".

[thedrifter]

A Dog Named Sarge

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, ''Sarge''.

The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.

A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. ''What happened to ole ''Sarge?'' he asked.

''Had to shoot him,'' grumbled the General. ''A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all that damn dog would do was sit on his ass and bark.

[thedrifter]

Boarding the Bus


One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.

As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again. Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more.

With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.

Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus. The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"

Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."

[thedrifter]

Engine Trouble

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.

"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanour seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

[GunnerMike]

When W.J. Clinton was still President, he once got off Marine One with a small pig under each arm. Figuring that the Marine honor guard was wondering what was up, Clinton said, "I just got back from Arkansas with these two prize winning pigs."

The Marine said, "Yes, sir! And fine pigs they are, sir!"

Clinton said, "They aren't just pigs, they are Arkansas Razorbacks."

The Marine said, "Yes sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks, sir."

Clinton then said, "I got this one for Hillary and this one for Chelsea."

Without a blink the Marine said, "Good trade, sir!"

[thedrifter]

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their
>> >>>>bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork
>>stuck in
>> >>>his butt.
>> >>>>
>> >>>>"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork
>>looks
>> >>>>very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
>> >>>>"I regret I cannot," lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently
>> >>>>stuck in my butt."
>> >>>>
>> >>>>"I do not understand," said the other.
>> >>>>The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I
>>tripped
>> >>>>over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old
>>man
>> >>>>in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came
>>boiling
>> >>>>out.
>> >>>>
>> >>>>He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
>> >>>>I said, "No ****?"
>> >>>>
>> >>>>God Bless America!

[thedrifter]

Another Blond Joke


A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled,
"We were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to ten. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! See?"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could
only go to D, but I went all the way to G. A, B, C, D, E, F, G! See?"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other
girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 24."

[thedrifter]

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit. Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."! Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette. Man: "Oh thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man:"Oh..thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??" The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"

[thedrifter]

The Grape And The Wine

Men are like a fine grape. They are best kept in the dark. They can't handle too much heat. They perform best when they are stepped on.
Women are like the wine that comes from the grape. They are sweet, vigorous, and full-bodied when they are young. They don't age well without preservatives. They become sour and vinegary as they age.

[thedrifter]

The Beer Festival

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.
The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please."

The bartender gives him one.

Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Guiness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?"

The Guiness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[thedrifter]

Golf Fatality
A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies' teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.
The coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?"

"Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan."

[thedrifter]

Bullfight Buffet
A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish.

The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.

The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"

And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"

[thedrifter]

Widow For One Year

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''
''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.''

The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''

''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''

''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny In Church

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."

"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

[thedrifter]

Just a Little Help

The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching
enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"

Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens:

"All right, just half of you this time!"

[thedrifter]

Cowboy Joe


Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

[thedrifter]

Late For Sunday School
A young boy came to Sunday School late.

His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?

The boy replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

[thedrifter]

The Preacher Golfs


There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he got, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do. The urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not attend church. Then he packed up the car, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he's doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung, and the ball sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A perfect hole-in-one. The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

[thedrifter]

Cowboy Health Secret

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[thedrifter]

Cowboy Wishes

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".

[thedrifter]

A Dog Named Sarge

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, ''Sarge''.

The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.

A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. ''What happened to ole ''Sarge?'' he asked.

''Had to shoot him,'' grumbled the General. ''A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all that damn dog would do was sit on his ass and bark.

[thedrifter]

Boarding the Bus

One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.

As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again. Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more.

With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.

Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus. The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"

Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."

[thedrifter]

Engine Trouble

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.

"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanour seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

[thedrifter]

Three Kinds of Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife'

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?'

'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'

Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'

The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

[thedrifter]

Searching for a Small Bra

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

[thedrifter]

Auto Accident

Mike and Frank driving on a street, in different directions. Out of some unfortunate mishap, the cars slammed into each other, head-on. The two men were able to get out of their cars without any serious injury, but the cars were totaled.

Before Frank could say anything, Mike said, "Instead of fighting over whose fault it was, why don't we just celebrate that we were able to come out alive?"

Frank said, "Yeah, good idea!"

"I have a bottle of whisky in the trunk, why don't I pull that out?" suggested Mike. He went around, and luckily the bottle was not damaged in the accident. He gave it to Frank and said, "Here, drink some!"

Frank took the bottle and chugged half of it down. Then he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle over to Mike. "Here, you have some!"

Mike passed it back and said, "Nah, I think I'll wait until the police get here."

[thedrifter]

Take a Pill for Speeding

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed."

[thedrifter]

Under the Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

[thedrifter]

Three Ladies Getting Old

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[thedrifter]

EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

[thedrifter]

Flying the Friendly Skies


A mother and her small son were flying Southwest
Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned
to his mother and asked "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes"?
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told
her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you
to ask me that question?"
The boy admitted that this was the
case..................
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby
planes at Southwest because Southwest always pulls out
on time
-- now let your mother explain that to you."

[thedrifter]

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere

> >she went. She would even take the parrot to the club

> >with her when she went dancing and

> >drinking on Saturday nights. Whenever the woman went on

> >to the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The roof,

> >the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no

> >water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah,

> >burn!"

> >

> >The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and

> >holler in appreciation

> >when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot

> >yell even more and of

> >course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all

> >night long, every time the parrot went out with her.

> >

> >One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church

> >and into the choir

> >stand with her. When the choir started to sing, the

> >parrot yelled, "The roof,

> >the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no

> >water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah,

> >burn!"

> >

> >She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, "No, you

> >don't say that here!" The

> >parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These the

> >same muthafukkahs that

> >was at the club last night!!

[thedrifter]

Heavenly Voice Mail
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

[thedrifter]

The Atheist and the Shark
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

[thedrifter]

The Outhouse
These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.

Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"

The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."

At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.

In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"

"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."

"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"

[thedrifter]

Three little old ladies
Three little old ladies are sitting in a restaurant one day, talking about this and that. The first lady said, "You know, I'm really getting forgetful. This morning I was
standing at the bottom of the stairs and I couldn't remember if I was just about to go up or if I had just come down."

"Oh, that's nothing," the second lady said. "The other day I was sitting on the edge of my bed, wondering if I was going to bed or if I had just gotten up."

The third lady smiled pleasantly at the other two. "Well, my memory is just as good as ever, knock on wood."

She rapped on the table with her knuckles, then gave a start and said, "Who's there?"

[thedrifter]

The Art Collector
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

[thedrifter]

The Top 10 Signs You May Be a Bad Driver
10> You have a reserved parking space with your name on it -- at traffic court.

9> You spend an inordinate amount of time scraping hair and bone out of your front grille.

8> You get more unwanted tickets than friends and family of the Detroit Tigers.

7> After less than 10 minutes in your car, Saddam and his sons change their minds and now "feel like walking to Jordan."

6> Your family already has a roadside cross ready to mark the inevitable spot.

5> Earl Scheib just named his new 160-foot yacht after you.

4> You see more middle fingers than a manicurist.

3> The highway patrol cops in your state have memorized your date of birth, social security number, home address, license plate number and how many points you have left before your 39th trip to traffic school, which is named after you.

2> The other day, you ran right into the garage door -- and it was *up* at the time.

and the Number 1 Sign You May Be a Bad Driver...

1> Every time your cell phone rings while you're putting on makeup, you spill your tea, drop your Game Boy and rear-end the car in front of you on the freeway.

[thedrifter]

Flying With A Blonde


There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.

A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.

One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

[thedrifter]

Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline
You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

[thedrifter]

Going Out


A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

[thedrifter]

Mad Cow Disease


One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields. The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Rubin's land just down the road!"

The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn't affect us chickens!"

[thedrifter]

Answering Machine Messages...


Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets

[thedrifter]

Joining the Army


As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's
office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle
this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

[thedrifter]

Can't Go Home


A young man volunteered to baby-sit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young man kept sending him back.

At 9pm, the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbour Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No". Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom but he won't let me go home."

[thedrifter]

Drive Through ATM Procedures
Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.

* 2 Put down your car window.

* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

* 6 Put window up.

* 7 Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to cash machine.

* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.

* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.

* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

* 5 Turn the radio down.

* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

* 9 Insert card.

* 10 Re-insert card the right side up

* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

* 12 Enter PIN.

* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

* 14 Enter amount of cash required.

* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.

* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.

* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.

* 19 Re-check make-up again.

* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.

* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.

* 22 Retrieve card.

* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.

* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.

* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

* 27 Release Parking Brake.

[thedrifter]

Kids on the Old and New Testaments
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!

* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.

* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.

* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.

* Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.

* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.

* David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.

* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager.

* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

* It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles.

* One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.

* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

[thedrifter]

Three Bikers


An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in. As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.

Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied," Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"

[thedrifter]

Oz


Bill Clinton, Newt Ginrich and Dan Quayle were riding in a car in the mid-west.. Along came a tornado and picked up the car and threw it 100s of miles away - As they were climbing out of the car and checking themselves for injuries, Newt Gingrich exclaimed that he thought they were in OZ - he said "I'm going to see the wizard and ask for a heart", Dan Quayle said "I'm going to see the wizard and ask for a brain".....Bill said "Where's Dorthy?"

[thedrifter]

The Redhead


A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."

"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

[thedrifter]

Relaxing Weekends


Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:

"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

[thedrifter]

Going Out


A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

[thedrifter]

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare as*" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.

Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!



>|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
>| B e e r T r u c k | ||'""|""\____
>| _____________ l ||__|__|___|)~~|
>(@! )'! (@)"""""**|(@)(@)****|(@)

[thedrifter]

Vet Cure
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc..

Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

[thedrifter]

The Mistake Test
See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is moron cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

[thedrifter]

Trains & Planes


A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

[thedrifter]

Top 10 Signs of Job Burnout


10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Leave me alone!"

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream,"Stop asking me all these questions!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "Inbox"!

7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.

And the NUMBER ONE sign that you are burned out because of work.....

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

[thedrifter]

Depression


A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

[thedrifter]

A Very Busy Lawyer


Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

[thedrifter]

Be My Valentine


A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[thedrifter]

Physics


A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued.

"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of medical school."

[thedrifter]

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes


That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

[thedrifter]

No meat on Friday


When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole. "Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic." Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it.

The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"

Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!"

[thedrifter]

Office Skills


"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"

"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."

"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

[thedrifter]

Six Cups of Coffee


Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.

He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

[thedrifter]

Disorder In The Court


Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[thedrifter]

Things Not To Say During Childbirth....


-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.

-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.

-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.

[thedrifter]

Embarrassing moments


In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

[thedrifter]

George Carlin Strikes Again


1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[thedrifter]

Speeding


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

[thedrifter]

Human Condition


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU TO GET MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[thedrifter]

Tragic Crash


A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.

A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."

[thedrifter]

Jesus Is Watching You


Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

[thedrifter]

Where Are You Going To Get A Lawyer?


An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny's Numbers


The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me."

"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says little Johnny.

[thedrifter]

Speeding


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

[thedrifter]

Going Out


A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

[thedrifter]

35 Years


A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[thedrifter]

The New Pastor


A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

[thedrifter]

A truck drivers duty


A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

[thedrifter]

Wrong Number


Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, It's me."

"Sugar!"

"Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500."

"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000!"

"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000, OK?"

"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know to whom this phone belongs?"

[thedrifter]

Eye Surgery


While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"

"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."

"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

[thedrifter]

Acts 2:38


A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.

"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.

She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.

"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!"

[thedrifter]

Wordperfect Customer Support


Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee (CSE)

Customer Support Employee (CSE): May I help you?

Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

CSE: What sort of trouble?

Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

CSE: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Customer: Nothing.

CSE: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

Customer: How do I tell?

CSE: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Customer: What's a sea-prompt?

CSE: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

CSE: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Customer: What's a monitor?

CSE: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

Customer: I don't know.

CSE: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Customer: Yes, I think so.

CSE: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Customer: I can't. It's dark out here.

CSE: Dark?

Customer: There's a power outage.

CSE: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in with?

Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

CSE: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Customer: Really? Is it that bad?

CSE: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

CSE: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

[thedrifter]

Male or Female


From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually
indicate it did not pay attention to your question.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?

[thedrifter]

Lifeboat


After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when
they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.

'I'll grant each of you a single wish,' said the genie.

'I wish I was home,' said the first man. Then, poof! he disappeared.

'I wish I was home, too,' said the second man. Poof! He disappeared too.

The third man looked around. 'Gee, I'm kind of lonely,' he said. 'I wish my friends were here with me.'

[thedrifter]

10 Blondes & A Brunette


There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from an airplane.

Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."

After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

Problem solved.

[thedrifter]

Thoughts for a Day


1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

[thedrifter]

One Wish


A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an unusual old lamp. She picked it up and cleaned it off, and suddenly a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for...a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map!"

[thedrifter]

The 13 Biggest Lies


13. The check is in the mail.

12. You get this one, I'll pay next time.

11. You look great.

10. Of course I love you.

9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

8. ...but we can still be good friends.

7. She means nothing to me.

6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

4. I'll call you later.

3. I've never done anything like this before.

2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

1. I DO.

[thedrifter]

A letter from a college student


The parents of a Northwestern student who just headed back from holiday received this letter:

Dear Mom and Dad:

Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ this $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t!

But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But don't want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home.

Love
Your $on


After deliberating a while, this was the draft of their appropriate response:

Dear Son:

NOt much to NOtice here on the NOrth side of town since you left for NOrthwestern. NObody doing NOthing Noble.

Enjoyed having you home for Thanksgiving in NOvember and Christmas. NOthing is the same since you left.

Loved your NOte; write aNOther one when you have time.

Have to go NOw.

Mom & Dad

[thedrifter]

Worst Analogies Ever Written


Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay Contest

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

[thedrifter]

First Football Game


A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'

[prmama]

I was happy.
>>My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and
>>so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my
>>friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
>>
>>There was only one thing bothering me, and that one thing was her
>>younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of
>>age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
>>She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got
>>many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.
>>She never did it when she was near anyone else.
>>
>>One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
>>wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
>>that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
>>that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told
>>me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
>>married and committed my life to her sister.
>>
>>I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
>>
>>She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go
>>ahead with it just come up and get me."
>>
>>I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
>>stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and
>>threw them down the stairs at me.
>>
>>I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the
>>front door.
>>I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked
>>straight towards my car.
>>
>>My future father-in-law was standing outside, and with tears in his
>>eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed
>>our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.
>>
>>Welcome to the family."
>>
>>The moral of this story is......
>>Always keep your condoms in your car.

Semper Fi
God Bless ya
Heather

[thedrifter]

Church


The church was full. A young woman with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide it all, came in late. She strode down the
center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.

It was plain to the preacher, that he had lost all the men at this service to this voluptuous beauty. He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have captured the mind of every man in this building with evil thoughts. But, I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you brazen woman, Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!"

[thedrifter]

Christmas Present


It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

[thedrifter]

T-Shirt Slogans


"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"

"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"

"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"

"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"

"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on."

"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory."

"HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!"

"The trouble with life is there's no background music."

"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"

"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

[thedrifter]

A Blonde Game Of Intelligence


There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

[thedrifter]

Where Are You Going To Get A Lawyer?


An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[thedrifter]

Soldier's Coffee


This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.

When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men, and she asked him why they were there.

Her grandson replied, "On television, they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

[thedrifter]

Kiss per Yard


Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

[thedrifter]

Flight School


A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

[thedrifter]

What All Those Acronyms Really Mean


ISDN = It Still Does Nothing

APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

IBM = I Blame Microsoft

DEC = Do Expect Cuts

CA = Constant Acquisitions

CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.

SCSI = System Can't See It

DOS = Defunct Operating System

BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

WWW = World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs

[thedrifter]

Stop Sign


A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.

"No," the man replied.

"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.

"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"

The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

[thedrifter]

Keeping Up


This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

Their windows are open and he yells at the
guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone
in there?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course
I do." "I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU
have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do
you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here
- see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Granada
takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about
to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Granada are all fogged
up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls
and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.

The man in the Granada finally opens the
window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember
me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out - I got a double bed
installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME
OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

[thedrifter]

Top Old Folks' Party Games


1. Sag - You're It!

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear

4. Kick the Bucket

5. Doc, Doc, Goose

6. Simon Says Something Incoherent

7. Hide and Go Sleep

8. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

9. Musical Recliners

[thedrifter]

First Football Game


A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'

[thedrifter]

Did she threaten to kill you?


One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"
"No."

"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"
"No."

"Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"

[thedrifter]

Sports Commentator Bloopers


Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

[thedrifter]

Happy As A Clam


Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that molluscs reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.

Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing madly.

"It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous at the same time," Abrahams said.

Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favourite rock station but they were playing Rockabilly which I absolutely detest.

So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of funds on useless research projects.

He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA , that was feeding clams and other molluscs large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste.

I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air.

The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant.

[prmama]

w ho to fire - nasty!@!!!!!!!
>
>
>
> >An executive was pondering over a hard decision. He had to get rid
> >of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people,
> >Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were
> >both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally
> >decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler
> >first would have to go.
> >
> >Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung over after partying all
> >night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin
> >and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done
> >this before, but I have to lay you or jack off."
> >
> >Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like s***."

[thedrifter]

Bathing the Cat


Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

[thedrifter]

Young and Foolish


A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess
where!"

[thedrifter]

The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas


Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving,
Emily

Dec. 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily

Dec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted,
Emily

Dec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily

Dec. 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humour. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what shemeans. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you,
Emily

Dec. 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love,
Emily

Dec. 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your Emily

Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily

Jan. 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once!
Emily

Jan 3
As I write this letter, 10 disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are being a nuisance with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily

Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied.

Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law

[thedrifter]

Drawbacks to working in a cubicle


1) Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the darn box all day!

2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.

3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

7) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

8) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

9) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

10) Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

11) If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say "What? I didn't hear you."

12) If your boss calls you and askes you to come into his office for a minute the walk there is like a funeral march... people hand you tissues as you pass and refuse to make eye contact.

13) You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they're gone.

[thedrifter]

Performance Evaluations


These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance valuations in a large US Corporation:

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week."

"It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

[thedrifter]

Parking


I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually
just put my car in park."

[thedrifter]

Actual Medical Chart Notes


1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. She is numb from her toes down.

15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

16. The skin was moist and dry.

17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

27. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

28. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

29. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

[thedrifter]

Who Gets The Dog?


A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the
dog."

The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

[thedrifter]

Overloaded


My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his
belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

[thedrifter]

Thirty-thousand Cockroaches


A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once."

"What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk.

"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."

[thedrifter]

'Twas The Day After Christmas


Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's -- all here!!

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"

[thedrifter]

Criminal Masterminds - Arkansas


Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.




Criminal Masterminds - New Jersey


A Newark woman reporting her car as stolen mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.


Criminal Masterminds - Kentucky


Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home--. with the chain still attached to the machine-- with their bumper still attached to the chain-- with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

[thedrifter]

Wise Advice from Children


"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G, age 9

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P, age 8

"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." - Steven B, age 8

"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7

"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10

"My dog had worms. I think he was going fishing." - Emma B., age 4

[thedrifter]

Do It Yourself


When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to
be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer's manual
and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

[thedrifter]

Parenting


Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

---------------

Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

---------------

The Layette

1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

---------------

Worries

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

---------------

Pacifier

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

---------------

Diapering

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

---------------

Activities

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

---------------

Going Out

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

---------------

At Home

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

---------------

Swallowing Coins

1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.

3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

[thedrifter]

Ten Best Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping


10. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

9. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!

7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?

4. Somone spiked the coffee machine.

3. ...in the name of Jesus...Amen

2. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

[thedrifter]

Your Time Is Not Up Yet!


A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

[thedrifter]

Late For Sunday School


A young boy came to Sunday School late.

His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?

The boy replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

[thedrifter]

The Fire


A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

[thedrifter]

Over Quota


A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

[thedrifter]

Two Vampire Bats


One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat
asked.

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"

"Yes," the other bat replied.

"Well, I didn't."

[thedrifter]

Zookeeper and Three Boys


A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to.
The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."

[thedrifter]

She Was So Blonde That


She tripped over a cordless phone.

She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate.
"
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She studied for a blood test.

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She sold the car for gas money!

[thedrifter]

Blonde Ice


One day, a man comes home from work and finds his blonde wife leaning over
the kitchen sink and crying.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

She said between sniffles, "I... I dropped the ice cubes on the floor, and
then I rinsed them off in hot water, and now I can't find them."

[thedrifter]

Christmas Songs for Shrinks


Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.

Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock

Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).

[thedrifter]

Reliable Help


A burglar alarm goes off in the middle of the night, and the police arrived just in time to collar the burglar as he was leaving the premises with a big bag full of loot. Soon, he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge.

"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.

"What's an accomplice?" replied the crook.

"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"

"What else?" demanded the culprit. "Who can get reliable help these days?"

[thedrifter]

Death on Vacation


During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalam, George's mother-in-law died.

With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the
mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead !

I just can't take that chance.

[thedrifter]

Strawberry Fertilizer


A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

[thedrifter]

Watch Out For That Tree


A state trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?"

The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."

[thedrifter]

Old Lawyer


Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82, then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside.

After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82."

[thedrifter]

No Novacaine


A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

[thedrifter]

One Wish


A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an unusual old lamp. She picked it up and cleaned it off, and suddenly a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for...a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map!"

[thedrifter]

The Lexus


A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The
lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

[thedrifter]

Boots


Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my
boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,"Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the
toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next month.

[thedrifter]

Get to the Back of the Line


It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30AM, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he complained to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"

[thedrifter]

Toliet Policy


Staff Notice

With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.

The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.

In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will
undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.

Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.

MANAGEMENT

[thedrifter]

Your Tax Dollars


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.

The Russians use a pencil.

[thedrifter]

Airline Rage


As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:

"Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!"

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.

Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.

Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"

[thedrifter]

The Library


A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."

The librarian replies, "This is a library."

So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

[thedrifter]

Little Tim's Goldfish


Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."

[thedrifter]

'Twas the night before Christmas (Military version


'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defences were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defence.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.

Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defences we've carefully made.

But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!

[thedrifter]

Inspiring Music At Church


A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The National Anthem."

[thedrifter]

Nose Picking


We've all caught someone at sometime picking their nose. Some try to do it in secret. Others do it openly without embarrassment.
Maybe even you have been caught in the act. Nose-picking is one disgusting habit and is certainly not socially acceptable. So, are these people normal? One would guess that this is not the type of thing researched at our institutions of higher learning. Guess again. The Americans did.

Of course, scientists must give everyday things complicated scientific names. Nose picking is a term for us common folk. Nose-picking should really be referred to as rhinotillexomania (rhino=nose, tillexis=habit of picking at something, mania=obsession with something). So, the next time that you see a person picking their nose, tell them that they are a rhinotillexomaniac.

The researchers prepared their "Rhinotillexomania Questionnaire"
and randomly mailed it to 1000 residents in Dane County, Wisconsin. Each survey included a cover letter that stated, "The University of Wisconsin is conducting a survey of a common but understudied habit scientifically known as 'rhinotillexomania'. Its common name is nose-picking." Even better, the letter actually defined what nose-picking is: "Insertion of a finger (or other object) into the nose with the intention of removing dried nasal secretions." I'll bet that you already knew that. Can you imagine getting this survey in the mail? Even with the
University's seal on the stationary, one would have to wonder whether this was a joke or not.

Now for the results (assuming that they are reliable): Of the 1000 surveys mailed out, only 254 were completed and returned to the researchers.

· 8.7% claim that they have never picked their nose. (In other words, they are liars or they can't remember doing it as a kid.)

· 91% stated that they had picked their nose in the past and were still actively practicing this habit. Yet, only 49.2% of the respondents actually thought that nose-picking was common in adults.

· 9.2% rate their pickin' as "more than average."

· 25.6% actually pick their noses daily, 22.3% do it 2 to 5 times each day, and three people admitted to doing it at least
hourly.

· 55.5% spent 1-5 minutes, 23.5% spent 5-15 minutes, and 0.8% (2 people) spent 15-30 minutes each day cleaning their
nostrils. One lone soul claims to devote over 2 hours each day to this ritual (I'm not a doctor and I can tell you that this guy definitely has rhinotillexomania).

· 18% reported nosebleeds, while 0.8% claimed perforation of the nasal septum from their nose-picking.

· 65.1% use their index finger, 20.2% use their pinky, and 16.4% use their thumb (must have BIG nostrils to fit a thumb in) as their instrument of choice.

· Most people (90.3%) disposed of the goop in a tissue or a handkerchief, while 28.6% used the floor, and 7.6% stuck it to the
furniture.

· 8% of the respondents actually ate the end product. In case you are thinking of trying this delicacy, the study claims that the pickings are quite tasty (salty).

So, what have we learned from this groundbreaking study? Basically, boogers apparently taste good, although I can guarantee to you that I will never do the taste testing to find out. And we are wondering why there is no cure for Cancer yet!

[thedrifter]

Computer Husband


TO MY DARLING HUSBAND,

I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really was more fun.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster makes you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary

[thedrifter]

Rules of Life


1. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship : "I apologize" and "You are right."

3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

4. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

5. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her. . . believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from
now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

8. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

11. Work is good, but it's not that important.

12. And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

[thedrifter]

Great-uncle George


The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

[thedrifter]

Pull, Buddy


An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

[thedrifter]

The End is Near


A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

[thedrifter]

No Bull


A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

[thedrifter]

Fat Theology


And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

[thedrifter]

My Wife is Deaf


A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

[thedrifter]

Cop Lines


"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

[thedrifter]

Hunting Flies


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[thedrifter]

Help Wanted


A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least; however, the
dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the
manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities; however, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign ALSO says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

[thedrifter]

Making Up for Lost Time


An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for
his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.

Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite
agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.

The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for
pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"

The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have
never heard two 747's collide!"

[thedrifter]

A Dog's Rules For Christmas


1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

a. Don't pee on the tree

b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree

c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree

d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open

e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans

b. Don't eat off the buffet table

c. Beg for goodies subtly

d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa

e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:

a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)

b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house

c. Tolerate children

d. Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON'T BITE HIM!!

[thedrifter]

Friday Night, Just Got Paid


A man left for work one Friday afternoon. It was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[thedrifter]

Abort, Retry, Ignore


Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand:
It read, "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

With my fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard
bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key -
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I pressed again, but twice as
hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
"Oh no - my database!" I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data - nevermore!"

To this day I do not know the place to which our data goes.
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity -
Well, I fear that it goes straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

[thedrifter]

Mary Lou


Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?"

"I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!"

"Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on."

Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work.

"What the heck was that for?" he demanded.

"Your dog just called."

[thedrifter]

The Dalmatian


A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

[thedrifter]

Automobile Acronyms


AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix It Again, Tony!

FORD
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of Research & Development
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. & Ron`s DNA
backwards -> Driver Returns On Foot

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man`s Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One, Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing`s Dr And Inexpensive

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

[thedrifter]

Just Ask Me


On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational
psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks
visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

[thedrifter]

Airline Rage


As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:

"Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!"

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.

Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.

Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"

[thedrifter]

The Preacher's Donkey


A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say, "Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no... Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer. "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.

[thedrifter]

Blonde Line Painter


A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay
at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told
her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well, she's still at the average, and I don't want to discourage her. I'll just keep quiet."

On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4
miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2-mile minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther
away from the bucket."

[thedrifter]

What $2 can buy!


His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny,
who watched a good many TV, adds, just to
make conversation.

Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and
had to spend them, what would you buy?"

"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.

"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"

"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly,
but it's sure worth two dollars.

With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

[thedrifter]

Tendjewberrymud


Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). This was nominated "best email of 1997".

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

[thedrifter]

Under the wagon


A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate.

"Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."

"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."

"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.

"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset."

"Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon," replied Willis.

[thedrifter]

Church Feuds


Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'

The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'

When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'

[thedrifter]

Criminal Masterminds - Florida


This just goes to show the quality of our criminals has definitely taken a nose-dive!

Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into the bank one day. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard
completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The would-be thief ran away and is still at large.

[thedrifter]

Beatles Computer Song - Yesterday


Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
And I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

[thedrifter]

Albert Einstein


"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?"

"The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible."

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."

Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.

"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love."

"You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your
grandmother."

"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat."

"When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!"

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S RELATIVITY."

"Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

All quotes by Albert Einstein

[thedrifter]

Classified Ads


The Following Were Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS FOR SALE. NEVER BRED CALVES.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.

OUR SOFA WILL SEAT THE WHOLE MOB.
100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

AND NOW FOR THE BEST OF THE LOT:
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 negotiable. No longer needed. Recently
married; wife knows everything.

[thedrifter]

How To Deal with Telemarketers


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.

14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"

16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

[thedrifter]

Signs You're Getting Older


1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.

3. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.

4. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.

5. Your children begin to look middle aged.

6. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

7. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

8. You look forward to a dull evening.

9. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."

10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.

14. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.

15. Your back goes out more than you do.

17. Your Pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.

18. The little old gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.

19. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

20. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

21. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.

22. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

23. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

24. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

25. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

26. You are proud of your lawn mower.

27. Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.

28. You call Olan Mills before they call you.

29. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

30. You sing along with the elevator music.

31. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

32. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

33. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

34. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

35. You make an appointment to see the dentist.

36. You no longer think of speed limits as a challange.

37. Neighbors borrow your tools.

38. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

39. You have a dream about prunes.

40. You answer a question with, "because I said so."

41. You send money to PBS.

42. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

43. You take a metal detector to the beach.

44. You wear black socks with sandals.

45. You know what the word "equity" means.

46. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

47. Your ears are hairier than your head.

48. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

49. You got cable for the weather channel (sometimes referred to as "Old Folks MTV").

50. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

[thedrifter]

What! No E-mail?


An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.25 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to
transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance
adviser, he picks an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!" After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire
replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

[thedrifter]

Get well message


A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[thedrifter]

A Fitting Punishment


Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Jones is first.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mr. Jones himself.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"

"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."

"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"

"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

[thedrifter]

Thirty-thousand Cockroaches


A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once."

"What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk.

"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."

[thedrifter]

Loan Arithmitic


Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?'

'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.

'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?'

'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'

[thedrifter]

Blonde on the Sun


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[thedrifter]

Boots


Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my
boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,"Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the
toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next month.

[thedrifter]

The Outhouse


These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.

Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"

The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."

At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.

In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"

"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."

"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"

[thedrifter]

Why?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

[thedrifter]

The Fiance


After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.

"What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.

"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.

"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"

"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.

"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"

"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.

The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

[thedrifter]

Circle Flies


After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[thedrifter]

Lessons Learned By A Mother


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house four inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year-old man says they only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego's will pass right through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

[thedrifter]

Government purchasing specifications


1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site.

N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

6. All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must have the words "long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

[thedrifter]

Young and Foolish


A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess
where!"

[thedrifter]

Animal Crackers


When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then, he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his Mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created


10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

[thedrifter]

The FBI


There once was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Red head. They were all running from the FBI. They ran and ran. They saw this barn, they ran in. Then they saw 3 burlap sacks and hid in them.

The FBI guys entered the barn, and seeing the sacks kicked the first one which the brunette was in.

'Meow meow' says the bag.

'Oh its just some cats' says the man. He does kicks the next sack that the red head was in.

'Bark, Ruff!' comes from within the sack.

'Oh, its just a bunch of dogs!' he says.

Then he goes to the last sack that the blonde was in, and before he could kick it, she said 'Potatoes!'

[thedrifter]

The Seagull


A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

[thedrifter]

Putting up with Jocks


The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

[thedrifter]

Technical Terms for Country Folk


Log on: making a wood stove hotter
Log off: don't add no more wood
Monitor: keeping an eye on the wood stove
Download: gettin the farwood off the truck
Mega Hertz: when yer not keerful getting the farwood
Floppy disc: whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
Ram: that thar thing what splits the farwood
Hard drive: gettin home in the winter time
Prompt: whut the mail ain't in the winter time
Windows: what to shut when it's cold outside
Screen: what to shut when it's blak fly season
Byte: what dem flys do
Chip: munchies fer the TV
Micro Chip: whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
Modem: whacha did to the hay fields
Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife
Lap Top: whar the kitty sleeps
Keyboard: whar ya hang the keys
Software: them plastic forks and knifes
Mouse: what eats the grain in the barn
Mouse Pad: that hippie talk for the rat hole
Main frame: holds up the barn ruf
Port: fancy Flatlander wine
Enter: northerner talk fer C'Mon in y'all
Random Access Memory: when ya cain't 'member what ya paid fer the......

[thedrifter]

Job Application


An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

[thedrifter]

Heavenly Admission Policies


A young man died and went to Heaven, where he was the third person in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete was taking a break, so an angel was admitting the newly arrived into Heaven. Trying to get a little more strict with the admission policies, the angel said they each had to state their former occupations and yearly salaries.

The first man in line said, "I was an actor and I earned $1 million last year." The angel ushered him in.

The woman behind him said, "I earned $150,000 last year as an attorney." The angel thought about it for a moment, then ushered her in as well.

The young man moved up to the gates. "I only earned $8,000 last year..." he began.

"Oh," the angel interrupted, "and what subject did you teach?"

[thedrifter]

Honest


Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.

[thedrifter]

More Deep Thoughts...


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

[thedrifter]

The End is Near


A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

[thedrifter]

What To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like


Top Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like


10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:

1. "I really don't deserve this."

[thedrifter]

Wordperfect Customer Support


Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee (CSE)

Customer Support Employee (CSE): May I help you?

Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

CSE: What sort of trouble?

Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

CSE: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Customer: Nothing.

CSE: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

Customer: How do I tell?

CSE: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Customer: What's a sea-prompt?

CSE: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

CSE: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Customer: What's a monitor?

CSE: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

Customer: I don't know.

CSE: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Customer: Yes, I think so.

CSE: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Customer: I can't. It's dark out here.

CSE: Dark?

Customer: There's a power outage.

CSE: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in with?

Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

CSE: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Customer: Really? Is it that bad?

CSE: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

CSE: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

[thedrifter]

Chow Time


One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

[thedrifter]

Your Time Is Not Up Yet!


A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

[thedrifter]

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously


1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Remember half the people you know are below average.

12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.

21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

[thedrifter]

New Number


After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him and got a woman. "Is Robert there?" I asked. "He's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Robert," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

[thedrifter]

Nervous Flyer


I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned overand said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."