Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 15 - Marine Corps Community for USMC Marine Veterans

thedrifter

08-13-03, 07:40 AM

Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

thedrifter

08-13-03, 07:41 AM

Test of Wills

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

thedrifter

08-13-03, 07:41 AM

Ari Force One

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, and chuckles and says, "You know I could throw a $10,000 dollar bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and make one hundred pepole very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the WHOLE COUNTRY HAPPY!"

thedrifter

08-13-03, 01:27 PM

How do you confuse a blonde?
You can't, they have always been like that.

How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
================================================== ===========
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes,
Father, Tis I." "And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now."
"Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
Tommy replied, "Three month's vacation and five good leads."

thedrifter

08-13-03, 01:27 PM

Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was one sexy
looking blonde lady!
He slapped a ten spot on the table and said, "I bet I can keep an
eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."
She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet.
He took his glass eye out, placed it beside the drink and went to the
bathroom. "Bet you I can bite my own ear," Mickey challenged next.
The bet was accepted. He took out his false teeth & nipped his ear.
Once more he scooped up the money.
"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back.
I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."
Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the bet.
Mickey lifted her skirt & away they went.
"I can feel you." she giggled.
"Oh well," he grinned, "You win some, you lose some!!"
================================================== ===========

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire
State Building..... How do you tell them apart?
The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.
================================================== ===========
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful
lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be
anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and "Poof" she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and "Poof" she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just
doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says....
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid
by 1,400 men in 6 months!"
================================================== ===========

Phantom Blooper

08-13-03, 07:03 PM

Doctor Joe, had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear that soothing voice,within himself,trying to reassure him: "Joe don't worry about it.You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And your single. Let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe you're a vet.":bunny:

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:22 AM

Goldfish Passing

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:23 AM

The Ant Hill

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:24 AM

What's that Noise?

This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:24 AM

Blonde Logic

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell."

"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.

The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:25 AM

Gates Meets St. Peter

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was the demo," replied St. Peter.

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:26 AM

20 dollars fixes everything

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze. George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get ****-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "****! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who **** in my pants."

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:27 AM

Bad Day

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘Pack your bag's and get out!’ I told her."

"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Bad dog!’"

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:28 AM

Naming the Twins

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh ****, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:28 AM

Two Blonde Men

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a ****."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and ****."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with **** all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:29 AM

Cats and Dogs

What is a CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:30 AM

30 Harsh Things a Woman can Say to a Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:31 AM

You Are Not Going to Destroy the World?

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:31 AM

Wher's My Husbands Clock?

One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get into heaven now?"

He says "Soon, I have some things to take care of."

So St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked "St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?"

St Peter replies "Each clock represents a man. Every time a man commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes.

Hillary asks "Where's my husbands clock?" St. Peter replies "Oh, it's in God's office, he uses it for a fan."

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:32 AM

Engineering Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."

Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

thedrifter

08-14-03, 11:57 AM

A very confident Marine Corps Pilot walks into a bar and takes a
seat
next
> to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then
> > casually looks at his watch for a moment.
> > The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No,"
he
> replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just
> > testing it."
> > The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special
> about it?"
> > The Pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.
> > The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
> > "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.... "The woman
giggles
> > and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
> > The Fighter Pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an
> > hour fast."
> >

thedrifter

08-14-03, 11:58 AM

The aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to
> the
> > > pier at homeport after 9+ months at sea when the Captain of the ship
> > > noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore
> flags.
> > > He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station
> > > wagon, also waving semaphore flags.
> > >
> > > Always concerned about security and never having seen something like
> this,
> > > the Captain barked at his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those
two
> > > people sending?"
> > >
> > > The Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is
> sending
> > > FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT."
> > >
> > > Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain
> > > dispatched an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge.
> > >
> > > The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to
> the
> > > bridge, and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered,
> sir!"
> > >
> > > "Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why
> are
> > > you exchanging signals FF and EF?"
> > >
> > > "Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to eat first!"

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:48 AM

Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:49 AM

The Smartest Dog Ever

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:50 AM

Locked Car

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.

Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..."

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:50 AM

Three blondes and a wish

There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:52 AM

Bill Gates Goes to Hell

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:52 AM

Microsoft Employees

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now..."

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:53 AM

Fairground Food

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored threebull's-eyes . But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.

"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:54 AM

Don't mess with a drinker

This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says, "I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?"

The lady turns around and says, "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"

The bloke then says, "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it, please let me?"

The lady turns around and says, "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't **** off!"

The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman, "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."

"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.

Just then her boyfriend comes out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here?!?"

The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"

Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves and was just about to smack him when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my arse!"

So her boyfriend rolled up the other sleeve!

"And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with beer and down it in one big gulp! So are you going to beat him up then?"

Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves and says "Of course not darling, I ain't messing with a bloke that can drink that much beer!!!"

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:54 AM

All Day

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:55 AM

The artificial insemination man

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says
to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to
impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the
two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination
man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she
sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here."

The man says, "How do you know?"

Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:56 AM

Before the Guests Arrive

On News Years Eve, a thin and bony husband is walking around in the house wearing only his boxers.

His wife comes out of the kitchen and says, "Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on."

"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your husband..."

"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there's nothing that I should feed you for."

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:56 AM

Populate the Earth

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."

"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."

"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."

"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:57 AM

Insomniacs

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.

The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.

Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.

A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.

This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:58 AM

Taking it with you

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:59 AM

What's under Bill's Bed

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry.For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but Iguess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Phantom Blooper

08-15-03, 01:02 PM

A blonde woman bought her first new, shiny car. She got it off the showroom floor and got stuck in a bad hailstorm. She was just sick about it. So, she took the car back to the dealer for bodyshop repairs. The repairman told her that everything would be alright. All she needed to do was take the car home, park it and then blow in the tailpipe,and that would straighten out all the dimples. That's what she was doing,when a blonde girlfriend came over. The friend wanted to know what in the world she was doing down there. She said that she was told to get the dimple damage out of her car,she needed to blow through the tailpipe and the dimples would pop out. She also said that she didn't think that it was working. The friend was so disgusted and said, "Well,duh! Close the windows." :banana:

Kalbo

08-15-03, 02:48 PM

A few days ago I was having some work done at Eastgate Ford. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there. He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a seven-hundred-ten on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right THERE (http://oldtraveler.ccwebhost.com/03/Images/oil.jpg) ." (Click on there)

Phantom Blooper

08-15-03, 05:45 PM

A young seaman and a pirate are in a bar drinking. The seaman notices that the pirate has a peg leg,hook,and a patch on his eye. Curious the seaman asks," Well how did you you get the peg leg?" "Aye," says the pirate, "I was swept overboard and a shark bit off me leg,so I wound up with this peg." A little while later,after a few more ales the seaman asks, "Well how did you get the hook?" "Aye," says the pirate. "We were in a fierce battle, and boarding an enemy ship. During the fight one of their men cut me hand clean off." After getting up his nerve to ask the final question the seaman asked, "How did you get the patch on your eye?" The pirate replied, "Aye a seagull s**t in me eye." The seaman said,"You lost your eye because of a seagull sh*tting in your eye?" "Aye," said the pirate, "It was my first day with me new hook!"

Phantom Blooper

08-16-03, 07:37 AM

he's going fishing. he gets up early and eagar, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes.....all day long. Well one Saturday morning he gets up early,dressed quietly,gets his lunch made,puts on his long johns,grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down,a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns on the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather al day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage,quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he quietly cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation,and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies................... " Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that stuff?"

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:47 AM

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:47 AM

The Baby Stork

Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him.

"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother says,

"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:48 AM

Stranded blonde

A blonde woman is driving along a country road, out in rolling hills of the Midwest, when she sees some movement off in the distance. As she gets closer, she realizes that it is another blonde woman in a rowboat in the middle of a field rowing the boat like crazy.

She stops her car at the side of the road and gets out. She yells out to the blonde in the rowboat, "What the &$%# are you doing?" The blonde in the boat, obviously flustered, yells back, "I have got to hurry up and get home in time for dinner or I will be in real trouble!"

The blonde at the side of the road is aggravated. "I can't believe this! You are out in the middle of a field in a row boat! It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name!

In fact, if I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your butt!"

Phantom Blooper

08-16-03, 07:48 AM

A 5 year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,he looked up and said, "Grandma,how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied,"Honey,my old TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my room all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.She started adjusting the knobs,trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started banging the side of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is you grandma home?" The little boy replied,"Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.":banana:

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:48 AM

A blonde in Las Vegas

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?"

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:49 AM

B or D

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:51 AM

A Hamster and a Bullfrog

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Listen," he says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?"

"We'll see," says the bartender.

So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.

"Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."

"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River."

A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog."

"Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.

"It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."

"Not really," says the guy, "The hamster is also a vantriloquist."

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:51 AM

Death Row

chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.

Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?"

"No, just get on with it."

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.

"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:52 AM

Don't Disgrace your Family

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:53 AM

Periodic Elements

Valuable scientific data.

The following are two proposed additions to the periodic table of elements (from chemistry class):

Element name: woman

Symbol: WO

Atomic weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element name: man

Symbol: XY

Atomic weight: (180 +/-50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:54 AM

what She Really Means...

I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:55 AM

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:55 AM

Phantom Blooper

08-16-03, 09:09 AM

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine resturant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down in his chair and out of sight under the table. Still the woman dining across from him seemed calm and unruffled, ostensibly unaware that her companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman,"Pardon me,ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. he just walked in the door!"...............:banana:

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:49 AM

Martial art dog

There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three of their neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So the young wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog." The clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But, he does knows karate."

The wife didn't believe the clerk, so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair." The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces. Then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.

When she told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, "Karate my ass!" And to this very day, he is in the hospital.

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:50 AM

Whale of a Tale

Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:51 AM

A good witch

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.

"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo."

"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.

So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.

Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.

"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo."

Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.

At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed.

"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:51 AM

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:52 AM

Stranded on a desert island

A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. For years and years they live there, until one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home" ... POOF she is gone.

The the red head makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" ... POOF she is gone.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her "My dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here" ... POOF!!!

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:53 AM

Computer-Illiterate

The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton.

This was forwarded by P. Wyatt .

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key," "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room
to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water
and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad" and "invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's bad and invalid
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
Happens." The "pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire Sys Op:

Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support.

Caller: Is this tech support?

Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting
that fixed?

Tech Support: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of
a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it.

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:54 AM

Clever Plan

A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Dave, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk."

Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him?

Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue..."

"Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Dave up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?"

"Well, sure," says Dave. "I just got paid."

"Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she *****es, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!"

What a great idea, Dave thinks, and starts knocking them back.

Later that night, when Dave gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming: "Damn it, Dave - I've told you! That's it!"

"Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!"

She yanks the money out of his hand. "Dave, this is a $100 bill."

"Well," Dave replies, "that same drunk **** my pants as well."

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:55 AM

The Golden Toilet Seat

There was this guy who had been to about every bar in town. So one night, he hopped into a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to the best bar in town. The cabby took him to a bar, where he got half-drunk. He hopped into the same cab and said that the bar wasn't good enough -- take him to another one. The cabby took him to another bar, where the guy had the time of his life.

The next morning, this guy was in yet another bar telling his buddy what a good time he had the night before, but he couldn't remember where he was. All he could remember was a red door and a golden toilet

seat.

"Man, we gotta find this place," said his buddy.

So the two spent half the day searching for a bar with a red door until they found one. They walked in, and the guy asked the bartender, "Was I here last night and too drunk to tell? All I remember is a red door and a golden toilet seat."

The bartender hollered to the back, "HEY, FRED. HERE'S THAT SON OF A ***** WHO TOOK A **** IN YOUR TUBA LAST NIGHT."

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:56 AM

Consumer labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:57 AM

Moths

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the **** are you?" the man asks

"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

"Those little bastards!"

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:57 AM

What He Really Means

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:58 AM

Great to Be a Guy

Some reasons that it's great to be a guy:

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every picture of somebody crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too dirty.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm cells per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote control is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends that you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "screw it."
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with, "So... notice anything different?"

Things that suck about being a guy:

The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
Ribbed for her pleasure -- not yours.
You have to wear ties.
You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
"Women and children first."

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:59 AM

Honesty

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

thedrifter

08-17-03, 10:00 AM

Valentine's Day Cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

thedrifter

08-17-03, 10:00 AM

An Example of Tragedy

Winston Peters is visiting a school.

In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offersthat, "if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy".

"No," Winston says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy". "I'm afraid not, "explains Winston, "that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Winston, "isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy".

"Wonderful!" Winston beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"

thedrifter

08-17-03, 10:01 AM

How Much Have You Collected?

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"

thedrifter

08-17-03, 02:34 PM

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie" the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else." said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row -too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is: Three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

thedrifter

08-17-03, 02:35 PM

A Texan looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to
jump! "Stop," he yelled, "Remember you're someone who has value!"
The man yelled back, "I just lost everything of value in the stock market!"
But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Texan.
"She divorced me, the *****."
"Your children! Remember your children," yelled the Texan.
"They never call," said the man.
"Then your parents. Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.
"Dead as doornails," said the man.
"Then 'Remember the Alamo'," yelled the Texan.
"What's the Alamo?" inquired the man.
And the Texan replied: "Jump, you Yankee son of a *****!"

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:08 AM

My Dog 'Sex'

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."

My case comes up on Friday...

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:08 AM

Ambitious mother

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:09 AM

The breathalyzer!

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:09 AM

Horsback riding

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her
might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got
caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued
to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and
losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:10 AM

Mouse Balls

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:11 AM

Try Being Nicer

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home well inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit in the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

Her friend said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, he replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:12 AM

A Scotch Expert

A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year old scotch. As the bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under his hand.

The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a three year-old one."

When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed that the fellow was right -- he had served him a three-year old scotch. The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he served him another scotch, this one a six-year old.

The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a six-year old one."

The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a nine-year-old scotch instead of a twelve-year old one as requested.

The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, "I think I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a nine-year old one."

The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded twelve-year-old scotch.

The customer took a sip and added, "This is what I asked in the first place."

At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to have a sip.

The fellow did so and spat it out and said, "Good Lord, that's ****."

The other man added, "Now tell me how old I am."

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:13 AM

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:13 AM

Speeding

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:14 AM

Five Floors

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:15 AM

Strange

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:15 AM

Big Man in a Small Town

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:16 AM

He Can Order

Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, "medium."

Then the waiter said, "how about your vegetable?" Hillary replied, "Oh, he can order for himself."

NamNuts

08-18-03, 02:20 PM

Homeland Security has announced they will soon be implementing new software which will record every click of your mouse.

It is their belief that it will operate completely transparent
and that the average user will not notice any difference
in performance.

Click below to observe this incredible new technology.
http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

thedrifter

08-19-03, 08:14 AM

Amazing Pig

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says "Sure, we can put you up."

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.

Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"

The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."

The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"

The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The homeless man says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal."

The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"

thedrifter

08-19-03, 08:15 AM

The Parrot

A young newly married couple inherited a parrot from an aged relative. This parrot was very talkative, and was forever informing visitors as to what went on in the newlyweds' home. One evening, after a very embarrassing comment from the bird, the husband had enough and said to the parrot, "That's it! You will be covered up much earlier in the future, and if you take your cage cover off or embarrass us again, you will be sent to the zoo."

Two days later, the couple was preparing for a short trip, and as usual, the suitcase was too full to close. So the husband said, "I'll get on top and jump up and down and you see if you can get it."

After a bit, the wife said, "This is no good. I'll get on top and you see if you can get it."

This still did not work, and so the husband said, "Tell you what, let's both get on top and bounce up and down. That'll get it."

With this, the parrot pulled off the cage cover and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I have got to see."

thedrifter

08-19-03, 08:16 AM

The blonde and the cute sheep

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

thedrifter

08-19-03, 08:17 AM

Blonde on first class

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with the woman. The copilot went to talk with the woman, asking her to move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered into the blonde's ear.

She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section, mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

thedrifter

08-19-03, 08:18 AM

WordPerfect Customer Support

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

thedrifter

08-19-03, 08:19 AM

I Already Paid

A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed 4 dollars.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.

"Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.

The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.

The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

thedrifter

08-19-03, 08:19 AM

The Surprised Drunk

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

thedrifter

08-19-03, 08:20 AM

Trained parrot

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car."

Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

thedrifter

08-19-03, 08:21 AM

Three Caves

In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking. One was Irish, another English, and the last American. Soon, they came across a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that if they wanted to pass through this territory, they had to pass the three caves test. The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said, "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be satisfied."

The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward. The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the bottle, then went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion and roaring. No one emerged from the cave.

Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the bottle. He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion, and then there was a soft purring sound. Then he entered the last cave. Two minutes later, he came out puzzled and asked, "Where's the thorn in the woman's foot?"

thedrifter

08-19-03, 08:22 AM

American History

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." He heard a loud whisper: "**** the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

thedrifter

08-19-03, 08:23 AM

Gender of computers

A scientist had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships were addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed as. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.

The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
The have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem themselves.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

thedrifter

08-19-03, 08:24 AM

A Masked Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.

She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

thedrifter

08-19-03, 08:24 AM

Good Deeds

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into
Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to
affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

thedrifter

08-19-03, 08:26 AM

Is That You?

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."

prmama

08-19-03, 05:21 PM

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one
woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided
that one has to drop off. Otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very
touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and
kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their
hands...

Phantom Blooper

08-19-03, 06:51 PM

A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady 40 MPH. The wife is behind the wheel.Her husband looks over and speaks in a clear voice."Darling," he says, "I know we been married for twenty years,but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead, but slowly increasing her speed to 55 MPH."And don't try to talk me out of it," he says"Because I'm having an affair with your friend and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet,grips the steering wheel and slowly increases the speed to 65 MPH.He pushs his luck. "I want the house," he says insistenly.She inches the car up to 75 MPH."I want the car, too,he continues."She is now doing 80 MPH . "And," he says "I'll take the bank accounts,the credit cards,and the boat."The car starts veering towards a massive concrete wall,this makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Is there anything you want?"The wife replies in a quiet and controlled voice."No I have everthing I need," she says. "Oh really?" he inquires. "So what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 85 MPH,the wife turns to him and smiles. "THE AIRBAG" :)

thedrifter

08-20-03, 07:37 AM

Panda

A panda walks into a pub and sits down for a drink. While he's downing his pint, he looks across and sees a beautiful woman at the end of the bar, so he pulls up a stool next to her. They talk for awhile and hit it off.

Then the panda says," God, I could go for a bite to eat," and the woman says she will buy him a meal. Back at her place after the fulfilling meal, one thing leads to another, and the panda ends up having sex with the woman.

In the morning as the panda is about to leave, the woman says to him, "Hey wait a sec, I'm a prostitute." Seeing the baffled expression on the Panda's face she tells him to look it up in the dictionary.

So the Panda looks up "prostitute," and the definition says, "Takes money for sex."

After reading this, the panda relaxes and says, "That's all right because I'm a panda."

The woman, confused, looks up "panda" in the dictionary and reads the definition: "Eats shoots and leaves."

thedrifter

08-20-03, 07:38 AM

Hunting Bears

A Pole and a Chezck go bear hunting. When they don't come back their friend go looking for them.

They find two tracks leading into the wood and follow them to a clearing. There are two guns on the ground and blood all over and they realize that the bears must have eaten their friends.

There is a loud crashing noise and a much roaring and the two bears (a male and a female) rush them. Blasting away with the guns the friends kill the female while the male gets away.

They find on cutting open the female the remains of their Polish friend. This can only mean one thing...

The Chezck is in the male

thedrifter

08-20-03, 07:39 AM

Milk

There were three guys hitchiking along the roads of a plain, boring field because their car overheated from the long drive. Exhausted, hungry, and thirsty from the long walk, they were desperately willing to stay over anywhere. Fortunately, they saw about a mile ahead of them a cow ranch, filled with hundreds of cows. They decided to stay there for the night. So they looked for the main office to ask the ranch owner if they could stay for the night. However, the ranch owner left for the day and no one was there. Too tired from their journey, they decided rather to sleep with the cows than walk forever. They each slept under a cow.

One guy said, "I'm hungry and thirsty, what will we eat and drink?"

Another guy suggested to drink the milk from the cow since they were lying beneath the milk sac. So they began to suck and drink.

The first guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."

The second guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."

The third guy said, "My cow's milk doesn't taste quite right."

The first and second guy then said to the third guy, "Well, try another nipple, that one probably has no more milk."

The third guy in a confused state exclaimed, "But how come my cow has only one, long, nipple!?"

thedrifter

08-20-03, 07:39 AM

Blonde mail call

A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

thedrifter

08-20-03, 07:40 AM

Old news

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.

The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde.

"I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

thedrifter

08-20-03, 07:41 AM

thedrifter

08-20-03, 07:41 AM

A Fly in my Beer

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!"

thedrifter

08-20-03, 07:42 AM

New Boots

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

thedrifter

08-20-03, 07:43 AM

Make Love To a Ghost

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

Fifteen students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a host."

The student replies, "Ghost!? I thought you said 'goats.'"

thedrifter

08-20-03, 07:44 AM

Word fun

Little Johnny's teacher had a new game for the children. She would pick a word and have the children make a sentence out of it. She had to be careful because she knew that Lil' Johnny would try and turn this into something dirty, as he had done so many times before.

She chose the word "fascinate".

Knowing that Johnny could not possibly mess this one up, she called on him first. Johnny said, "My sister went to the mall and bought a blouse. It had 10 buttons up the front, but her boobs were so big she could only fasten eight."

After all the kids had answered one, it was Johnny's turn again.

This time the word was "urinate".

The teacher was sure this one would stump Johnny.

Johnny said, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten."

thedrifter

08-20-03, 07:44 AM

Syllables

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', that's only two syllables!"

thedrifter

08-20-03, 07:45 AM

Making the Right Choice

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom so long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was, "What do women really want?"

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. Arthur returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people told him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived, and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. The witch was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, she had only one tooth, she smelled like sewage water, and she often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: "What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she had been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which, she asked, would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question. Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day, he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, he would be with an old spooky witch. Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

...

Noble Gawain replied that he would let the witch choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is he moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly; underneath it all, she's still a witch.

thedrifter

08-20-03, 07:46 AM

How to cook a Turkey

- Go buy a turkey
- Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
- Put turkey in the oven
- Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
- Set the degree at 375 ovens
- Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
- Turn oven the on
- Take 4 whisks of drinky
- Turk the bastey
- Whiskey another bottle of get
- Stick a turkey in the thermometer
- Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
- Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Floor the turkey up off of the pick
- Turk the carvey
- Get yourself another scottle of botch
- Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
- Bless the saying, pass and eat out

thedrifter

08-20-03, 02:37 PM

Whats that for????

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
> >behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.
> >
> >"What was that for?" he asked.
> >
> >"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Mary
> >Lou written on it," she replied.
> >
> >"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of
one of
> >the horses I bet on," he explained.
> >
> >"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a
good
> >explanation."
> >
> >Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked
up
> >and
> >hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
> >knocked
> >him out cold.
> >
> >When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"
> >
> >She replied, "Your horse called."

thedrifter

08-20-03, 02:38 PM

THE GUNNY ALWAYS HAS THE ANSWER ...

The young lieutenant approached the crusty old gunny and asked him about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

"Well, lieutenant," he said, "it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a first lieutenant represents value, but less malleable. When you make captain, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a colonel, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a general, you're obviously a star. ...That answer your question, Lieutenant?"

"Well, yeah Gunny, but what about majors and lieutenant colonels?"

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history, said the Gunny. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we have always covered our pricks with leaves... "

thedrifter

08-21-03, 07:52 AM

Like a Straw

There were these two not so bright guys who had to get across the desert. Since they didn't have enough money for a car they decided to buy a camel.

The camel dealer promised them that the camel would get them across the desert if they made sure he was full of water before they left. They took the camel down to the water hole, but the camel would not drink. So finally the first guy says: "I have an idea, why don't I hold his head down in the water and you suck on his butt. That way the water will be drawn up into him like a straw." The second gut thought about this for a while and finally agreed.

After a while the first guy asks "Well is it working?"

The second guy replied "I think it is going to work, but you have to pick his head up just a little because I'm just getting mud."

thedrifter

08-21-03, 07:54 AM

Gorilla In a Tree

As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering units was on the way and to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a chiwawa dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan:

"First I'll climb up there with the ladder. Then I'll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chiwawa will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo..."

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun?

"Well," explained the experienced gorilla retriever, "It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball, shoot the dog."

thedrifter

08-21-03, 07:55 AM

Who Runs Faster?

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them. One of the guys took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on. The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you."

thedrifter

08-21-03, 07:56 AM

The Rope

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."

After a really touching speech from the brunette about how she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

Problem solved.

thedrifter

08-21-03, 07:56 AM

thedrifter

08-21-03, 07:57 AM

Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

thedrifter

08-21-03, 07:58 AM

Hi-Ho Silver

Teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My momma had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those indians not to **** with the Lone Ranger."

thedrifter

08-21-03, 07:59 AM

Professor

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

thedrifter

08-21-03, 07:59 AM

Dictate

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla said, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

The girl said, "Buckwheat is dumb."

Now spell "stupid."

Darla said, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

Darla said, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and said, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate.'"

Buckwheat stood up and said, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher replied, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."

thedrifter

08-21-03, 08:00 AM

Forgive Me Sister

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

thedrifter

08-21-03, 08:01 AM

Twick or Tweat

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my ****ing cookies!"

thedrifter

08-21-03, 08:01 AM

Thuds

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

thedrifter

08-21-03, 08:02 AM

Three Lawayers and Three Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

thedrifter

08-21-03, 08:03 AM

Top Ten Questions that Make You Go Huh?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
What happens if you get scared to death twice?
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

thedrifter

08-21-03, 01:14 PM

News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ***," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ***," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ***. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ***?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"

thedrifter

08-21-03, 01:15 PM

Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee's home opener, sitting in the first
row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret
Service guys leaned forward and said something to Bill.

Clinton stared at the guy, looked at Hillary, looked back at the agent, and
nodded his head. Then Bill picked up Hillary by the coat collar and the seat
of her pants, and dropped her right over the wall onto the field.

She's kicking and swearing and screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're
cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and smiling, when the
agent leans forward and says:

"I said, they want you to throw out the first pitch

marinemom

08-22-03, 06:23 AM

Now that Uday and Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

Sooflay ............the restauranteur
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray.............the radiologist
Puray...............the blender factory owner
Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay...............the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Dushay..............the clean sister
Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway............the grocery store owner
Ollay...............the half-mexican sister
Gudlay..............the prostitute

Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about
him.

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:40 AM

Up Penny Lane

One day, a teacher in a high school class was administering a test, and she noticed that four pupils were missing.

The first one came in.

"Why are you so late?" the teacher said to him.

"Sorry, miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."

She told him to go sit down.

Then the second pupil came in.

"Why are you so late?" she said to him.

"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."

She told him to go sit down.

Then the third one came in.

"Why are you so late?" she said to him.

"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."

She told him to go sit down.

Finally, the fourth pupil, a girl, came in.

"I suppose you've been up Penny Lane, too, then?"

"No, miss," she said to the teacher. "I am Penny Lane"

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:40 AM

Dear

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"

A little girl raised her hand.

"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"

"It's a cow, teacher."

"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:41 AM

The Sound of Pigs

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-****a!"

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:42 AM

A New Christmas Tradition

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:44 AM

The Teachers Pet

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:44 AM

Gossip Monger

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:45 AM

Who Is God?

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:46 AM

There Is a Catch

A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."

"What catch?" the man asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your third and final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:46 AM

Is Mr. Smith There

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.

"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:47 AM

Top 10 Most Rejected Children Book Titles

1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator

2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven

3. 101 Games to Play in the Road

4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork

5. Your Nightmares are real

6. Monsters Killed Grandpa

7. All Guns Squirt Water

8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite

9. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree

10. Dad's New Wife Robert

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:48 AM

Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!"

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:48 AM

Bad Stomach

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two
suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls
his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:49 AM

Hiccups

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT... But my wife out in the car still does!"

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:50 AM

Bridge Player

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

thedrifter

08-22-03, 07:51 AM

The Wrinkled Nightgown

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

thedrifter

08-22-03, 05:20 PM

Gotta Love the Marines

News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"

thedrifter

08-23-03, 08:37 AM

Worms and Whiskey

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

thedrifter

08-23-03, 08:37 AM

Theory in Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

thedrifter

08-23-03, 08:38 AM

A White House Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House,
Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse.
The Secret Service were guarding the premises with care,
for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there.

Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed,
Dirty thoughts swam around Mr. Kennedy's head.
And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy gray tweed,
Had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed.

When out in the garden came a plethora of noise,
All drunken and rowdy: 'twas Newt and the boys!
Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash,
It's a raid boys! he cried, Quick go hide my stash!

The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow,
Gave a psychedelic haze to the the objects below.
When what to Bill's frantic eyes should appear,
But a slew of Republicans and a keg of beer.

With a big House leader, all lively and fat:
He knew it was Newt, the proponent of GATT!
A viscous as vipers, the Republicans came.
And Bill recognized them and called them by name.

Hey Helms, hey Thurmond! hey Packwood and Hatch!
Hey Dole and Pataki, it's time for a bash!
A collective cheer rose out from the crowd,
Let's listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!

Together Dems and Republicans danced and sang out in cheer.
Screw health care and Haiti, it's time to drink beer!
When from the chimney, came a big black cloud of soot,
As Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit.

He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand.
And when all was silent, he did a keg stand.
And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down it prayer,
And champagne flowed freely, just like welfare.

As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room,
The rest of the crooks outlined their plan of doom.
We'll pray in the schools, shove it down their throats!
More welfare, more taxes, we'll still get the votes!

And they drank, hugged and danced, and they crossed party lines.
They cheered, It doesn't matter, we're all bastard swines!
So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap.
And they took turns sitting on the Presidnet's lap.

And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn,
And awoke in the morning without their pants on.
And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear,
While Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer.

Then the party-ers discovered a sight so touching and cute,
President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up to Newt.
Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots,
A merry Clinton to all, and to a good Newt!

thedrifter

08-23-03, 08:39 AM

Nice Bike

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

thedrifter

08-23-03, 08:41 AM

Little Johnny With Math

Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.

"Why?" asks his father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".

"But that's right," said his father.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'

"What's the ****ing difference?" asks his father.

"That's what I said!"

thedrifter

08-23-03, 08:42 AM

I Have to Whisper

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.

So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

thedrifter

08-23-03, 08:43 AM

Lab Rats

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do. There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings"

thedrifter

08-23-03, 08:44 AM

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

thedrifter

08-23-03, 08:45 AM

10 Things To Do In An Elevator To Have Fun

1. Blow out a huge depressed fart and blame it on the person next to you out loud.

2. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

5. Meow occasionally.

6. Show other passengers a rash on your genitals and ask if it looks infected.

7. Leave a box between the doors.

8. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'

10. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

thedrifter

08-23-03, 08:46 AM

A Real Ball Buster

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "****! THAT'S the word!

thedrifter

08-23-03, 08:47 AM

What did the Doctor Say?

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

thedrifter

08-23-03, 08:48 AM

Playing Pool

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husbands best mate Peter when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.

"Who was it? The back stabbing buddy asked.

"Oh, that was Mick." She replied calmly.

"Oh ****, I'd better be going then!: he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"

"Relax - he's down at the pub, playing a few games of pool with you."

thedrifter

08-24-03, 08:41 AM

Definitely

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY **** my pants..."

thedrifter

08-24-03, 08:41 AM

Indefinitely

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."

"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,

"As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!

thedrifter

08-24-03, 08:42 AM

Singing Christmas Parrot

There was a man who wanted to find the perfect gift for his wife. He went to the store and asked the salesclerk and asked him what he should get his wife. The salesclerk brought out a parrot. The salesclerk said, this is no ordinary parrot, if you light a match under it's right foot, it plays Silent Night, if you light a match under it's left foot, it plays Santa Claus is Coming to Town. The salesclerk made sure to tell him that the name of the parrot is Chet.

The man thought it would be great, so he took it home. He let his wife open it early, since it was a living thing. He told her what great songs it played. They wondered what it would play if they lit a match under it's crotch. So, they did. The parrot sang "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire."

thedrifter

08-24-03, 08:43 AM

Between Holidays

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.

The artist says, "Sure."

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say "Happy Thanksgiving." On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, "Merry Christmas."

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

thedrifter

08-24-03, 08:44 AM

Birds and the Bees

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really ****, I'll have nothing left to live for.

thedrifter

08-24-03, 08:44 AM

Making money

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

thedrifter

08-24-03, 08:45 AM

13 Reasons Why it is so cool to be a man

1)Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2)You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

3)You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

4)If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

5)Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

6)Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

7)Same work, more pay.

8)Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

9)Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.

10)If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

11)You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

12)The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

13)Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

thedrifter

08-24-03, 08:46 AM

Top Ten Caddy Comments

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

thedrifter

08-24-03, 08:46 AM

In The Heart

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

thedrifter

08-24-03, 08:47 AM

My Daughter Lynda

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"

Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

thedrifter

08-24-03, 08:48 AM

Viagra Coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

thedrifter

08-24-03, 08:49 AM

Furniture Budget

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."

thedrifter

08-24-03, 08:50 AM

Why Hockey is Better than Sex

It's legal to earn money playing hockey
Many people play hockey even after they're married
The puck's always hard
The protective equipment is reusable
It lasts at least an hour
A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon
You always know how big the stick is
You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding
You can change players on the fly
You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up
Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds
Your parents cheer when you score
Periods last only 20 minutes
You're sure to get it at least twice a week
You can tell your friends about it afterwards

thedrifter

08-24-03, 08:51 AM

Baseball for Scotsmen

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"

thedrifter

08-25-03, 08:16 AM

Fist Day of Class

A new primary school teacher starts her first day of class. She begins by asking students to stand and introduce themselves

The first child stands and says, "My name is Mary Johnson."

"Thank you, Mary", says the teacher.

The second student says, "My name is Sam Smith."

"Thank you, Sam."

The third student says, "My name is Johnny ****hour."

The teacher is horrified, and tells Johnny that this type of language will not be allowed. He replies, "Honest, my name is Johnny ****hour. If you don't believe me, check up in the fifth grade where my brother is."

So the teacher walks up to the fifth grade class, and asks, "Do you have a ****hour in here?"

One boy stands in the back of the room and says, "Hell, no! We don't even get a nap hour in here!"

thedrifter

08-25-03, 08:17 AM

The Student

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

thedrifter

08-25-03, 08:18 AM

thedrifter

08-25-03, 08:19 AM

Smart Boy

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says, "Catch some chickens."

The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."

The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."

The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

thedrifter

08-25-03, 08:19 AM

Hiking Money

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.

"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.

"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

thedrifter

08-25-03, 08:20 AM

Things not to Say to the Cop Who Pulls You Over

10. Your so-called "speed limits" mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.

9. You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light.

8. Aren't you going to strip search me, big boy?

7. I am not the droid you're looking for. You don't need to see my papers.

6. Darn! My radar detector must be broken again.

5. You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin' Donuts closes in 15 minutes.

4. You're not going to search my trunk are you?

3. How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my registration?

2. Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.

1. Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?

thedrifter

08-25-03, 08:21 AM

Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you'd be my ho.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so has your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

thedrifter

08-25-03, 08:21 AM

Ten Things You'll Never Hear From A Southern Boy

1. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

2. You can't feed that to the dog.

3. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

4. Trim the fat off that steak.

5. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

6. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

7. Duct tape won't fix that.

8. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

9. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

10. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'.

thedrifter

08-25-03, 08:22 AM

Examinations

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"All right," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

thedrifter

08-25-03, 08:22 AM

Love My Dentist

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?"

"Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... SPIT, don't SWALLOW."

thedrifter

08-25-03, 08:23 AM

Pick Up Artist

A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time honored ice breaker, he sends her a drink.

"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.

Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor."

He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break
furniture, and just plain destroy the place."

"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.

"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.

thedrifter

08-25-03, 08:24 AM

Which of my Friends

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

thedrifter

08-25-03, 08:25 AM

Hairy Chest

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says,

"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"

She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

thedrifter

08-25-03, 08:25 AM

How was your game?

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

thedrifter

08-26-03, 05:52 AM

Letters On Fruit

A teacher comes into the class room and there is a red apple with the letter "T" on it setting on her desk. She asks: "My what a pretty apple. Who brought this to me?"

Little girl in the front row replies: "I did teacher."

The teacher asks: "What does the letter "T" stand for?"

"Teacher", she replies.

The next day there is a great big red apple, with the letters "TT" on it.

"My what a big beautiful apple who brought this to me?"

Little boy in the back row says: "I did."

"Why thank you, but what do the letters "TT" stand for?"

"To Teacher", he replies.

A couple of days later there is a huge watermelon on her desk with the letters "****" on it.

She asks: "Who brought this watermelon in?"

A little black boy in the center of the class replies: "Why i did teacher".

"Why thank you very much. We'll have this at recess, but do you know what the letters stand for?", she asks in a upset tone.

"Yes maam. From Us Colored Kids..."

thedrifter

08-26-03, 05:54 AM

Dead Frog

A teacher had a 5-year-old come up to her and say that he had found a frog.

The teacher asked, "Is the frog alive or dead?"

The student replied, "It's dead."

The teacher asked, "How do you know for sure?"

The boy said, "I ****ed in its ear."

Aghast, the teacher said, "You did what?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, Psst and it didn't move. So, it must be dead."

thedrifter

08-26-03, 05:54 AM

Disappointment

Freddie ran into the kitchen crying and cradling something in his hands. "Mommy, my turtle is dead," Freddie told his mother as he held the turtle out to her.

His mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you . . ." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all."

"Oh," the boy said. "Can I kill it?"

thedrifter

08-26-03, 05:55 AM

Laughing Baby

A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing - I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy in front of his worried parents. He just kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check if his hand was all right, and guess what he found?

Scroll down.

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The birth control pill.

thedrifter

08-26-03, 05:55 AM

Artificial Respiration

While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act.

"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"

But it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening.

"Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration."

"Wow!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."

thedrifter

08-26-03, 05:56 AM

Gray Hair

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

thedrifter

08-26-03, 05:57 AM

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

thedrifter

08-26-03, 05:57 AM

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

thedrifter

08-26-03, 05:58 AM

Before and After Marriage

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary..

thedrifter

08-26-03, 06:07 PM

The Chauffer

After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the

Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor?"

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

"I think it's God!"

"What makes you think it's God?"

"He's got the Pope driving for him!"

thedrifter

08-26-03, 06:07 PM

An old farmer went to town to see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that thing on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Rudy. Wherever I go, Rudy goes."

"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theatre."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants.

He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theatre.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unzipped his pants so Rudy could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants, and his thing is out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

"That's what I thought, too," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"

Phantom Blooper

08-26-03, 08:21 PM

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
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If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
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If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
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Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
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If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
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Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
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If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
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Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
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It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
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If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My A$$.
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You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
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The Earth Is Full - Go Home

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I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
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This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
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So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
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If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
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The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
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Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

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Illiterate? Write For Help

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Honk If Anything Falls Off

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Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

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He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
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I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
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You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
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I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
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Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
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Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

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If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
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If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut?
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Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
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Boldly Going Nowhere
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Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
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Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

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How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
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Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
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Saw It..Wanted It ... Had A Fit .... Got It!

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My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
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GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

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All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
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Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
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I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
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WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
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BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
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So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
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I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

thedrifter

08-27-03, 07:23 AM

How About That

There once was a third grader named Jimmy. Every time the teacher would say something, Jimmy would say, "How about that!"

One day, the teacher said, "And then George Washington crossed the Delaware."

Jimmy said, "How about that!"

The teacher told Jimmy, "If you say that one more time, you are going out into the hall, mister!"

To that, Jimmy replied, ",Well, how about that!"

Taking him by the arm, the teacher marched Jimmy into the hall and said, "While you're out here, I want you to write a poem to tell the class."

Twenty minutes later, the teacher came out to get Jimmy and said, "Before we go back in, I want to hear your poem."

Jimmy said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a cockroach go up the wall. How about that!"

The teacher said, "That's fine, Jimmy, but I want you to leave the cock out."

She took him back into the classroom and announced that Jimmy had a poem for the class.

Jimmy stood up and said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a roach go up the wall with his cock out. How about that!"

thedrifter

08-27-03, 07:23 AM

Contagious

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.

"Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious."

The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that **** ages to finish that fence.'"

thedrifter

08-27-03, 07:24 AM

Youthful Proverbs

A first-grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader
It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings
You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?
Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you'll . . . stink in the morning
Happy the bride who . . . gets all the presents
Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box
Better late than . . . pregnant

thedrifter

08-27-03, 07:25 AM

Starting Early

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."

thedrifter

08-27-03, 07:25 AM

Playing House

A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.

The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?"

He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."

He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

thedrifter

08-27-03, 07:27 AM

Learned from Noah and the Ark

1. Don't miss the boat.

2. Try to remember that we're all in the same boat.

3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark, you know.

4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

5. Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.

6. Build your future on high ground.

7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

8. Two heads are better than one.

9. Speed isn't always an advantage; after all, the snails were on board with the cheetahs.

10. When you're stressed, try floating awhile.

11. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; it was the Titanic that was built by professionals.

12. Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than storms outside.

13. No matter what the difficulty, trust in the Almighty: There'll be a rainbow at the end of the storm.

thedrifter

08-27-03, 07:28 AM

Things only a Mother can Teach

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... then you'll see what it's like"

thedrifter

08-27-03, 07:29 AM

Things not to say to police officers

1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

4. Are You Andy or Barney?

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.

6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

7. I pay your salary!

8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

thedrifter

08-27-03, 07:30 AM

Do you know what I'm doing?

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

thedrifter

08-27-03, 07:30 AM

Mental Deficiency

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

thedrifter

08-27-03, 07:31 AM

Egg in the Box

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't. In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?'

He replied, 'Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.'

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. 'But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?' she asked. 'Every time I got a dozen, I sold it.'

thedrifter

08-27-03, 07:32 AM

A Father's Last Request

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

thedrifter

08-27-03, 08:20 AM

Little Leroy

Clear Day Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a
troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his
birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a
Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year
and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his
birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a
letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike
for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy.

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so
he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God: This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this
year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God: I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red
bike for my birthday. Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote
another letter.

LETTER 4:

Dear God: I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I
will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank
you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike.

By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he
wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because
Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked
around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin
Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room
and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his
letter to God.

LETTER 5:

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Art Petersn

08-27-03, 06:24 PM

> Why is this?
>
> The Democrats are complaining on how long the war is taking but, it took
> less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian
> compound. That was a 51-day operation.
>
> It took less time to find evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq than it
> took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.
>
> It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy
> the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police
> after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick.
>
> It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in
> Florida!!!!!!
>
> Damn our military is GREAT!

Osotogary

08-27-03, 09:38 PM

Just a thought.:)

thedrifter

08-28-03, 07:14 AM

LOL Gary.......

Summer Camps

Here's a list of summer camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:

Tommy Lee's
Camp Kickachick

Monica Lewinsky's
Camp Suckaweewee

President Clinton's
Camp Getahoochie

Ellen DeGeneres's
Camp Lickacoochie

Kenneth Star's
Camp Catchacrook

O.J. Simpson's
Camp Killachick

Lorena Bobbit's
Camp Cutaweewee

Tonya Harding's
Camp Clubaknee

Pamela Lee's
Camp Lottatatas

Michael Jackson's
Camp Wannabewhitey

thedrifter

08-28-03, 07:15 AM

50 Fun Things To Do at Wal-Mart

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
TP as much of the store as possible.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Take bets on the battle described above.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Two words: "Marco Polo."
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

thedrifter

08-28-03, 07:15 AM

Things you'll never hear

8 things you'll never hear a man say:

8) Here honey, you use the remote.

7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

5) While I'm up, can I get you anything?

4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.

2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

1) We never talk anymore.

8 things you'll never hear a woman say :

8) What do you mean today's our anniversary?

7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!

5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'

4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

2) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.

1) Hey, pull my finger!

thedrifter

08-28-03, 07:16 AM

thedrifter

08-28-03, 07:17 AM

Bed Wetting

This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

thedrifter

08-28-03, 07:18 AM

Don't cough

Outside a chemist in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."

Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market... Now he won't dare cough!"

thedrifter

08-28-03, 07:18 AM

thedrifter

08-28-03, 07:19 AM

thedrifter

08-28-03, 07:20 AM

Payday

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

thedrifter

08-28-03, 07:21 AM

First Time Constestant

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host
could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'

And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was
shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.

"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

thedrifter

08-28-03, 07:23 AM

thedrifter

08-28-03, 07:24 AM

Cheater

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Sid.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

thedrifter

08-28-03, 07:24 AM

No Need to Run

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto".

Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"

Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits.
I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night".

Well, everyone in the plane's trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off.

Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a **** first!"

thedrifter

08-28-03, 07:25 AM

Jack or Jill

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came to work late.

The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

NamNuts

08-28-03, 09:24 AM

Two bored casino workers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars
on a single roll of the dice. She said "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She jumped up and down, and hugged each of the dealers, picked up all the money and her clothes, and departed.

The dealers stared at each other -dumfounded. Finally one of them asked: "What did she roll?" The other guy answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all
men are men!
:yes:

thedrifter

08-28-03, 06:42 PM

Al Qaeda Recruiting Video

http://cagle.slate.msn.com/mondo/MondoAlQaeda.asp

thedrifter

08-29-03, 07:08 AM

thedrifter

08-29-03, 07:09 AM

Why Cats Are Better Than Men

A CAT always hits the litterbox.
Better chance of training a CAT.

No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it.

You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.

If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.

A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.

You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.

It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.

You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party.

A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... A man thinks he is.

If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

thedrifter

08-29-03, 07:10 AM

Signs You Had Too Much of the 90's

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espresso's as "getting wasted."

You no longer own a real deck of cards because all your favorite card games [solitaire, spades, and hearts] are all played on your computer.

Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

Your friend's daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

thedrifter

08-29-03, 07:10 AM

Wife's Tonsils

A man approached his family physician and said,

"Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days."

The doctor pulled out the family's medical file and exclaimed,

"Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?"

"No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man having two wives, haven't you?"

thedrifter

08-29-03, 07:11 AM

Medical Miracle

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months
together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor.

The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going
to be a mother."

"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."

"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was
impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."

"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked
down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a
rage, she dialed her husband.

"Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice.

She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's
calling please?."

thedrifter

08-29-03, 07:12 AM

Can't see, can't hear

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

thedrifter

08-29-03, 07:13 AM

Where have you been?

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty ****ed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and...

"You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!"

thedrifter

08-29-03, 07:14 AM

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."

He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

thedrifter

08-29-03, 07:15 AM

Not Bad

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

"A magic potion" she replies.

"Well what is it for?" he asks.

"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer."

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.

"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"

"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game."

"And how about your sex life?"

"Oh, not bad."

"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"

"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."

"And you call that not bad?"

"Not for a priest with a small parish."

thedrifter

08-29-03, 07:16 AM

Social Security Kind

Kathy and Suzy are having a conversation during there lunch break.

Kathy asks, "So, Suzy, how's your sex life these days?"

Suzy replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."

"Social Security?" Kathy asked quizzically.

"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

thedrifter

08-29-03, 07:17 AM

All-night Duty

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

thedrifter

08-29-03, 07:18 AM

The Mechanical Caddy

A man walks into a country club, and asks to play a round of golf. The man behind the counter suggests he try one of their brand new mechanical caddies. The guy had just gotten his paycheck, so he had money to burn, he figured "what the hell".

He took the caddy out and it was great, it would tell him what club to use, what was wrong with his swing, and what direction his putts would break and how much. The man gets done, and shoots the best round of his life.

A month later he comes back and asks for one of the caddies. The manager replies, "I'm sorry, but we had to get rid of them." The man a little confused asks, "Why did you get rid of them, they were great." The manager explained that they were made out of metal, so when the sun reflected off of them, it blinded the other golfers.

Still confused, the man adds, "Well, why didn't you just paint them black?"

The manager replies "Well, we tried that, but then 2 of them didn't show up for work, and the others robbed the clubhouse."

thedrifter

08-29-03, 07:18 AM

Star Player

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

thedrifter

08-30-03, 07:58 AM

The scene: HEAVEN
The year: 2031

President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly
Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and
Leader of the Free World.

"Oh... Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.

"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint, "but first you have to confess your sins. What bad
things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't
call it 'dope smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate
extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I
didn't have full 'sexual relations' and I made some statements that were
misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false
witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of
perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares,"OK,
here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it Hell.
You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you
enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just don't hold your breath
waiting for it to freeze over."