Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 15 - Marine Corps Community for USMC Veterans

thedrifter

08-13-03, 07:40 AM

Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

thedrifter

08-13-03, 07:41 AM

Test of Wills

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

thedrifter

08-13-03, 07:41 AM

Ari Force One

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, and chuckles and says, "You know I could throw a $10,000 dollar bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and make one hundred pepole very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the WHOLE COUNTRY HAPPY!"

thedrifter

08-13-03, 01:27 PM

How do you confuse a blonde?
You can't, they have always been like that.

How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
================================================== ===========
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes,
Father, Tis I." "And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now."
"Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
Tommy replied, "Three month's vacation and five good leads."

thedrifter

08-13-03, 01:27 PM

Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was one sexy
looking blonde lady!
He slapped a ten spot on the table and said, "I bet I can keep an
eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."
She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet.
He took his glass eye out, placed it beside the drink and went to the
bathroom. "Bet you I can bite my own ear," Mickey challenged next.
The bet was accepted. He took out his false teeth & nipped his ear.
Once more he scooped up the money.
"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back.
I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."
Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the bet.
Mickey lifted her skirt & away they went.
"I can feel you." she giggled.
"Oh well," he grinned, "You win some, you lose some!!"
================================================== ===========

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire
State Building..... How do you tell them apart?
The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.
================================================== ===========
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful
lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be
anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and "Poof" she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and "Poof" she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just
doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says....
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid
by 1,400 men in 6 months!"
================================================== ===========

Phantom Blooper

08-13-03, 07:03 PM

Doctor Joe, had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear that soothing voice,within himself,trying to reassure him: "Joe don't worry about it.You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And your single. Let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe you're a vet.":bunny:

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:22 AM

Goldfish Passing

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:23 AM

The Ant Hill

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:24 AM

What's that Noise?

This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:24 AM

Blonde Logic

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell."

"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.

The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:25 AM

Gates Meets St. Peter

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was the demo," replied St. Peter.

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:26 AM

20 dollars fixes everything

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze. George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get ****-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "****! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who **** in my pants."

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:27 AM

Bad Day

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘Pack your bag's and get out!’ I told her."

"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Bad dog!’"

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:28 AM

Naming the Twins

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh ****, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:28 AM

Two Blonde Men

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a ****."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and ****."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with **** all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:29 AM

Cats and Dogs

What is a CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:30 AM

30 Harsh Things a Woman can Say to a Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:31 AM

You Are Not Going to Destroy the World?

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:31 AM

Wher's My Husbands Clock?

One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get into heaven now?"

He says "Soon, I have some things to take care of."

So St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked "St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?"

St Peter replies "Each clock represents a man. Every time a man commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes.

Hillary asks "Where's my husbands clock?" St. Peter replies "Oh, it's in God's office, he uses it for a fan."

thedrifter

08-14-03, 08:32 AM

Engineering Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."

Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

thedrifter

08-14-03, 11:57 AM

A very confident Marine Corps Pilot walks into a bar and takes a
seat
next
> to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then
> > casually looks at his watch for a moment.
> > The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No,"
he
> replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just
> > testing it."
> > The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special
> about it?"
> > The Pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.
> > The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
> > "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.... "The woman
giggles
> > and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
> > The Fighter Pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an
> > hour fast."
> >

thedrifter

08-14-03, 11:58 AM

The aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to
> the
> > > pier at homeport after 9+ months at sea when the Captain of the ship
> > > noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore
> flags.
> > > He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station
> > > wagon, also waving semaphore flags.
> > >
> > > Always concerned about security and never having seen something like
> this,
> > > the Captain barked at his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those
two
> > > people sending?"
> > >
> > > The Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is
> sending
> > > FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT."
> > >
> > > Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain
> > > dispatched an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge.
> > >
> > > The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to
> the
> > > bridge, and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered,
> sir!"
> > >
> > > "Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why
> are
> > > you exchanging signals FF and EF?"
> > >
> > > "Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to eat first!"

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:48 AM

Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:49 AM

The Smartest Dog Ever

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:50 AM

Locked Car

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.

Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..."

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:50 AM

Three blondes and a wish

There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:52 AM

Bill Gates Goes to Hell

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:52 AM

Microsoft Employees

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now..."

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:53 AM

Fairground Food

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored threebull's-eyes . But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.

"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:54 AM

Don't mess with a drinker

This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says, "I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?"

The lady turns around and says, "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"

The bloke then says, "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it, please let me?"

The lady turns around and says, "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't **** off!"

The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman, "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."

"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.

Just then her boyfriend comes out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here?!?"

The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"

Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves and was just about to smack him when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my arse!"

So her boyfriend rolled up the other sleeve!

"And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with beer and down it in one big gulp! So are you going to beat him up then?"

Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves and says "Of course not darling, I ain't messing with a bloke that can drink that much beer!!!"

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:54 AM

All Day

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:55 AM

The artificial insemination man

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says
to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to
impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the
two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination
man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she
sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here."

The man says, "How do you know?"

Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:56 AM

Before the Guests Arrive

On News Years Eve, a thin and bony husband is walking around in the house wearing only his boxers.

His wife comes out of the kitchen and says, "Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on."

"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your husband..."

"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there's nothing that I should feed you for."

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:56 AM

Populate the Earth

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."

"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."

"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."

"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:57 AM

Insomniacs

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.

The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.

Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.

A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.

This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:58 AM

Taking it with you

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

thedrifter

08-15-03, 07:59 AM

What's under Bill's Bed

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry.For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but Iguess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Phantom Blooper

08-15-03, 01:02 PM

A blonde woman bought her first new, shiny car. She got it off the showroom floor and got stuck in a bad hailstorm. She was just sick about it. So, she took the car back to the dealer for bodyshop repairs. The repairman told her that everything would be alright. All she needed to do was take the car home, park it and then blow in the tailpipe,and that would straighten out all the dimples. That's what she was doing,when a blonde girlfriend came over. The friend wanted to know what in the world she was doing down there. She said that she was told to get the dimple damage out of her car,she needed to blow through the tailpipe and the dimples would pop out. She also said that she didn't think that it was working. The friend was so disgusted and said, "Well,duh! Close the windows." :banana:

Kalbo

08-15-03, 02:48 PM

A few days ago I was having some work done at Eastgate Ford. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there. He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a seven-hundred-ten on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right THERE (http://oldtraveler.ccwebhost.com/03/Images/oil.jpg) ." (Click on there)

Phantom Blooper

08-15-03, 05:45 PM

A young seaman and a pirate are in a bar drinking. The seaman notices that the pirate has a peg leg,hook,and a patch on his eye. Curious the seaman asks," Well how did you you get the peg leg?" "Aye," says the pirate, "I was swept overboard and a shark bit off me leg,so I wound up with this peg." A little while later,after a few more ales the seaman asks, "Well how did you get the hook?" "Aye," says the pirate. "We were in a fierce battle, and boarding an enemy ship. During the fight one of their men cut me hand clean off." After getting up his nerve to ask the final question the seaman asked, "How did you get the patch on your eye?" The pirate replied, "Aye a seagull s**t in me eye." The seaman said,"You lost your eye because of a seagull sh*tting in your eye?" "Aye," said the pirate, "It was my first day with me new hook!"

Phantom Blooper

08-16-03, 07:37 AM

he's going fishing. he gets up early and eagar, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes.....all day long. Well one Saturday morning he gets up early,dressed quietly,gets his lunch made,puts on his long johns,grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down,a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns on the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather al day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage,quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he quietly cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation,and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies................... " Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that stuff?"

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:47 AM

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:47 AM

The Baby Stork

Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him.

"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother says,

"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:48 AM

Stranded blonde

A blonde woman is driving along a country road, out in rolling hills of the Midwest, when she sees some movement off in the distance. As she gets closer, she realizes that it is another blonde woman in a rowboat in the middle of a field rowing the boat like crazy.

She stops her car at the side of the road and gets out. She yells out to the blonde in the rowboat, "What the &$%# are you doing?" The blonde in the boat, obviously flustered, yells back, "I have got to hurry up and get home in time for dinner or I will be in real trouble!"

The blonde at the side of the road is aggravated. "I can't believe this! You are out in the middle of a field in a row boat! It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name!

In fact, if I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your butt!"

Phantom Blooper

08-16-03, 07:48 AM

A 5 year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,he looked up and said, "Grandma,how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied,"Honey,my old TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my room all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.She started adjusting the knobs,trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started banging the side of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is you grandma home?" The little boy replied,"Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.":banana:

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:48 AM

A blonde in Las Vegas

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?"

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:49 AM

B or D

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:51 AM

A Hamster and a Bullfrog

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Listen," he says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?"

"We'll see," says the bartender.

So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.

"Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."

"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River."

A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog."

"Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.

"It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."

"Not really," says the guy, "The hamster is also a vantriloquist."

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:51 AM

Death Row

chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.

Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?"

"No, just get on with it."

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.

"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:52 AM

Don't Disgrace your Family

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:53 AM

Periodic Elements

Valuable scientific data.

The following are two proposed additions to the periodic table of elements (from chemistry class):

Element name: woman

Symbol: WO

Atomic weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element name: man

Symbol: XY

Atomic weight: (180 +/-50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:54 AM

what She Really Means...

I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:55 AM

thedrifter

08-16-03, 07:55 AM

Phantom Blooper

08-16-03, 09:09 AM

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine resturant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down in his chair and out of sight under the table. Still the woman dining across from him seemed calm and unruffled, ostensibly unaware that her companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman,"Pardon me,ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. he just walked in the door!"...............:banana:

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:49 AM

Martial art dog

There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three of their neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So the young wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog." The clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But, he does knows karate."

The wife didn't believe the clerk, so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair." The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces. Then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.

When she told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, "Karate my ass!" And to this very day, he is in the hospital.

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:50 AM

Whale of a Tale

Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:51 AM

A good witch

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.

"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo."

"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.

So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.

Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.

"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo."

Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.

At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed.

"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:51 AM

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:52 AM

Stranded on a desert island

A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. For years and years they live there, until one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home" ... POOF she is gone.

The the red head makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" ... POOF she is gone.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her "My dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here" ... POOF!!!

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:53 AM

Computer-Illiterate

The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton.

This was forwarded by P. Wyatt .

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key," "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room
to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water
and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad" and "invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's bad and invalid
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
Happens." The "pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire Sys Op:

Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support.

Caller: Is this tech support?

Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting
that fixed?

Tech Support: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of
a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it.

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:54 AM

Clever Plan

A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Dave, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk."

Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him?

Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue..."

"Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Dave up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?"

"Well, sure," says Dave. "I just got paid."

"Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she *****es, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!"

What a great idea, Dave thinks, and starts knocking them back.

Later that night, when Dave gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming: "Damn it, Dave - I've told you! That's it!"

"Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!"

She yanks the money out of his hand. "Dave, this is a $100 bill."

"Well," Dave replies, "that same drunk **** my pants as well."

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:55 AM

The Golden Toilet Seat

There was this guy who had been to about every bar in town. So one night, he hopped into a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to the best bar in town. The cabby took him to a bar, where he got half-drunk. He hopped into the same cab and said that the bar wasn't good enough -- take him to another one. The cabby took him to another bar, where the guy had the time of his life.

The next morning, this guy was in yet another bar telling his buddy what a good time he had the night before, but he couldn't remember where he was. All he could remember was a red door and a golden toilet

seat.

"Man, we gotta find this place," said his buddy.

So the two spent half the day searching for a bar with a red door until they found one. They walked in, and the guy asked the bartender, "Was I here last night and too drunk to tell? All I remember is a red door and a golden toilet seat."

The bartender hollered to the back, "HEY, FRED. HERE'S THAT SON OF A ***** WHO TOOK A **** IN YOUR TUBA LAST NIGHT."

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:56 AM

Consumer labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:57 AM

Moths

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the **** are you?" the man asks

"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

"Those little bastards!"

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:57 AM

What He Really Means

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:58 AM

Great to Be a Guy

Some reasons that it's great to be a guy:

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every picture of somebody crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too dirty.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm cells per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote control is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends that you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "screw it."
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with, "So... notice anything different?"

Things that suck about being a guy:

The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
Ribbed for her pleasure -- not yours.
You have to wear ties.
You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
"Women and children first."

thedrifter

08-17-03, 09:59 AM

Honesty

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

thedrifter

08-17-03, 10:00 AM

Valentine's Day Cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

thedrifter

08-17-03, 10:00 AM

An Example of Tragedy

Winston Peters is visiting a school.

In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offersthat, "if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy".

"No," Winston says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy". "I'm afraid not, "explains Winston, "that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Winston, "isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy".

"Wonderful!" Winston beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"

thedrifter

08-17-03, 10:01 AM

How Much Have You Collected?

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"

thedrifter

08-17-03, 02:34 PM

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie" the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else." said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row -too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is: Three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

thedrifter

08-17-03, 02:35 PM

A Texan looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to
jump! "Stop," he yelled, "Remember you're someone who has value!"
The man yelled back, "I just lost everything of value in the stock market!"
But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Texan.
"She divorced me, the *****."
"Your children! Remember your children," yelled the Texan.
"They never call," said the man.
"Then your parents. Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.
"Dead as doornails," said the man.
"Then 'Remember the Alamo'," yelled the Texan.
"What's the Alamo?" inquired the man.
And the Texan replied: "Jump, you Yankee son of a *****!"

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:08 AM

My Dog 'Sex'

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."

My case comes up on Friday...

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:08 AM

Ambitious mother

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:09 AM

The breathalyzer!

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:09 AM

Horsback riding

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her
might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got
caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued
to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and
losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:10 AM

Mouse Balls

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:11 AM

Try Being Nicer

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home well inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit in the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

Her friend said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, he replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:12 AM

A Scotch Expert

A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year old scotch. As the bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under his hand.

The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a three year-old one."

When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed that the fellow was right -- he had served him a three-year old scotch. The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he served him another scotch, this one a six-year old.

The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a six-year old one."

The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a nine-year-old scotch instead of a twelve-year old one as requested.

The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, "I think I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a nine-year old one."

The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded twelve-year-old scotch.

The customer took a sip and added, "This is what I asked in the first place."

At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to have a sip.

The fellow did so and spat it out and said, "Good Lord, that's ****."

The other man added, "Now tell me how old I am."

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:13 AM

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:13 AM

Speeding

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

thedrifter

08-18-03, 08:14 AM

Five Floors

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

On the fifth floor, the