Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 14 - Marine Corps Community for USMC Veterans

thedrifter

07-23-03, 06:19 AM

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

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To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

thedrifter

07-23-03, 06:19 AM

You know its going to be a bad day ahead when...

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed.

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's non of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your income tax check bounces.

You put both contacts in one eye.

thedrifter

07-23-03, 06:20 AM

Bankers Balls

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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." The president laughs, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" The president agrees, "Sure, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

thedrifter

07-23-03, 06:21 AM

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your ******* is in Washington.
* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her ****.
* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, Ariz.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
* Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's,
Phoenix, Ariz.

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed
Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,
Beverly Hills, CA

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

thedrifter

07-23-03, 06:22 AM

Because I'm A Guy

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Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find
this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

thedrifter

07-23-03, 06:22 AM

Bedroom Golf

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Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a give course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:26 AM

A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.
"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my
store, the doors opened and an elephant came out.
He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the
jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck
pulled away."
The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification
purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"
"What's the difference?" asked the jeweler. "Well," said the sergeant,
"an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has
little ears."
"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler.
"He had a stocking over his head."

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:27 AM

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak
something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any
public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side
streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a
London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman,
"whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started
****ing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning
toward
the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British
courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:29 AM

A Very Wise Man

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right
in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not..

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:29 AM

Bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one
brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years,
they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from
repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed
their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her
sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word.
" Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to
send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she
nods and says, "I want you to send her
the word "comfortable." The operator
shakes his head. "How is she ever going
to know that you want her to hitch the
trailer to your pickup truck and drive out
here to haul that bull back to your ranch
if you send her just the word
"comfortable?" The brunette explains,
"My sister's blonde. The word's big.
She'll read it very slowly
... com-for-da-bul."

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:31 AM

Believe It Or Not

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A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven't got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:32 AM

Here are the best headlines of the year (yes, they are real)...

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

12. Eye Drops Off Shelf

13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids

14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death

18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

23. War Dims Hope For Peace

24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

26. Deer Kill 17,000

27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge

31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy

35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half

38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:33 AM

Store employees put up with a lot of ****. When jerks come into their store treating them like crap, there is a lot that goes through an employees mind they just can't just say without loosing their jobs...

You are obviously smarter than me, so if YOU can't figure it out, what the hell makes you think I can?

No, sir, I'm not hard-of-hearing, neither am I stupid. You just don't speak good English.

Do you notice that your bad behaviour is embarrassing your wife?

Do you want me to go ahead and call the manager, or do you want me to wait till you're REALLY ****ed off?

I can tell you right now I'm not going to give you very good service, because I think you're drunk or possibly on drugs, and frankly, you scare the hell out of me.

No, sir, I can't do math in my head, but I can spell diarrhea.

I realize I'm ignoring you, but you're in here every three days with your bratty kid and you never buy anything you don't return.

Shame on you for using such language in front of your children.

You've been waiting 30 minutes? Why didn't you use the time to find it yourself?

If I were as smart as you THINK I should be, I'd be making a lot more money than I am now.

Don't complain about the ****ing line up and then fumble through your purse for 5 minutes when you finally have your order taken.

Ahhhh thanks for that tip chief...maybe I can make a ****ing phone call now!

No, really, I want you to call me every day to ask what time we close when we are open 24 hours a day.

Please bring in your ****ing dirty cans and bottles that are filled with cigarette butts, ****, cockroaches, ants.... And yes, you do have to put your nasty **** on a box, because ill be dammed if I touch that.

Oh yes, please let me search out that item that we haven't had for eight years and then ***** to me for a half hour about how we had it yesterday. We didn't...*******!

Should I hand you the fries or shove them up your fat ass?

So you want a combo, but you want onion rings instead of fries, a stake instead of a burger, and you want a can of pop instead of fountain pop.....WELL IT AIN'T A ****ING COMBO NO MORE!!!

Well now that you've ordered your large popcorn with extra butter and 2 large chocolate bars, I'm sure that the large DIET coke will really do you some good and cancel out the 10,000 calories you are about to eat while you sit on your ass and do sweet **** all nothing for the next two hours.

You're an idiot. So are your kids.

You know I am off work and yet you insist on motioning to me... Well for some reason I have gone blind and can't see you. Dink!

Maybe you should buy a full length mirror before buying all that junk food.

What the **** are you standing around staring at the menu for, jackass?!?!? We've had the same ******* menu for 25 years. Get the ****ing quarter pounder!

Don't complain about the ****ing line up if you have had the past 15 minutes to get your money ready and your only now fumbling through your bottomless purse for money. Get organized you old, useless, inconsiderate, ungrateful, sack of ****.

We're closed dumb ****, that's why I didn't take your order when you pulled through my drive thru!

No I won't make your sandwich without pickles, you can eat what the rest of ****ing America likes!

Will you get out of my store so that I may clean up your ****ing mess, so that I can go home?

I don't mind helping you Sir/Madame, but please go home and take a BATH!!!

OK dumbass, it was a choice of paper OR plastic. Not a combination thereof, just paper or friggin' plastic. Do you honestly think I care about the arse of your bags ripping?

No you moron, I don't work here! I'm only here because I like to wear this name tag, sweep floors and hang around 10 to 12 hours a day for the fun of it!

You don't like the new layout of the store? OK, well **** off to another supermarket. I don't give a ****.

The food will never look like it does in the pictures. The food in the picture was plastic.

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:34 AM

Bored Beyond Belief

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Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.

Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.

Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

Pay your electric bill in pennies.

Drive to work in reverse.

Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.

Polish your car with earwax.

Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

Braid the hairs in each nostril.

Write a short story using alphabet soup.

Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:34 AM

Brunette Jokes

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Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it.

Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet? "

Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation

Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage

Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?
A. Fisher-Price

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their mustache.

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:35 AM

Bumper Stickers

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Jesus loves you, but I think your an *******!

Zero to dick in 60 seconds.

Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes...

Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.

Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS

Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can

If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the **** out!

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Born free... taxed to death.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!

Don't blame me! I didn't vote!

Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!

If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.

Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!

Nice People Swallow!

Honk if you have had sex with Clinton.

Hang Up And Drive!

If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!

This car is not abandoned!

I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-****-YOU

"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING

Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often

If your cute,single,and rich, HONK!

If you don't trust me with my decision, how can you trust me with a baby? Pro-Choice For Abortion

Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.

WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.

Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.

My wife's other car is a broom.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bull****.

Constipated people don't give a ****.

Practice safe sex, go **** yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

I'm out of bed and dressed....What more do you want.

I love cats...dead ones.

I don't have an attitude problem...You have a perception problem.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Zero to ***** in 10 seconds

I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!

Life is like a bowl of cherries, and I'm in the pits!

Can't sleep, clown will eat me; Can't sleep, clown will eat me......

Wine me, Dine me, 69 me!

Student Driver-Get the hell out of my way!

HONK! If Monica Lewinsky blew you!

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

Barney sucks.

Life is too short. Don't be a dick.

Forget Subtlety... **** YOU!

Most of the time I swallow, but for *******'s like you, I spit...

**** the dog watch out for the owner.

If it's tourist season, Then why can't we hunt them.

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

Hire the handicapped, they're fun to watch.

Happiness is lipstick on my dipstick!

A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.

I cant remember if I'm the good twin or the bad one.

I just want revenge. Is that so bad?

I'm smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!

I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

So many cats.....so few recipes.

My other ride is your MOTHER!!

Practicing Safe Sex? Give yourself a hand!

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:36 AM

Business Meetings

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To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work.

There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:

1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and...
2. Going to meetings.

Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.

The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).

At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.

But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of their "agenda". At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings.

The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.

An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie, "Night of the Living Dead," you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.

There are two major kinds of meetings:

1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind account for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school, with everyone getting to say something, the difference being that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say.

When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand." You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how they do it in Japan.

2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: "Norm?" Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career).

But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your "input" on something. This is very serious because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way is to set fire to your tie.

Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from the president of the company, or the Pope."

You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking rectangles like this: (picture of doodled rectangles). If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss).

If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right of the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they should file quietly out of the room.

Phantom Blooper

07-24-03, 09:47 PM

A deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about two miles from the Missouri state line.When the deputy asked the driver why he was speeding he said that he was a magician and a juggler and that he was on his way to do a show that night and he didn't want to be late.The deputy told the driver that he was always fascinated by juggling and if he did some juggling for him he would not give him a ticket. The driver said that he had sent all his props ahead of him and he didn't have anything to juggle.The deputy said that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked the man if he could juggle them. The man said that he could, so the deputy got three flares,lit them and handed them to the man.While the juggler was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squadcar, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly then went to the rear door of the squadcar,opened it and got in.The deputy observed the drunk doing this and went over to the car and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.The drunk replied,"Might as well take my a$$ to jail, there is no way in hell I can pass that test.":banana:

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:53 AM

Rules

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I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the **** is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:54 AM

Calling the Jackass

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For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:55 AM

You know you've joined a pretty cheap ass health plan when...

Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."

Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."

You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

Exam room has a tip jar.

You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

"Take two leeches and call me in the morning."

The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."

Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.

Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.

Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass."

To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.

Recycled bandages

You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.

Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.

24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK

Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.

Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:56 AM

Ever wonder why the chicken crossed the road?

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

BILL CLINTON: That depends on what your definition of "did" is.

GEORGE BUSH JR: I don't know, but I'll tell you this: That chicken may run, but it can't hide. God bless America.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: Did you actually see it cross the road? Or did you suddenly notice that it had appeared on the other side? You think you saw it cross the road, but that's an illusion. How many more chickens have to appear before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken Millenium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: What color was the chicken? If you do your research, you will find that it was a white chicken. Roads are always black. The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

COLONEL SANDERS: You mean I missed one?!

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:57 AM

If you have ever attempted to organize a Christmas function at work, you will relate to these emails all too well...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our
CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.

Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:58 AM

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was ****ed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?

The old lady *****es cause I work late at night

The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those *******s from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits

They want the impossible ...Those mean little ****s

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason

I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Twas The Night Before Y2K

'Twas the night before Y2K and, all through the nation,
We awaited the bug--the millennium sensation.

The chips were replaced in computers with care
In hopes that old "bugsy" wouldn't stop there.

While some folks would think they were snug in their beds,
Others had visions of dread in their heads.

And Ma, with her PC, and I, with my Mac
Had just logged on the 'net and kicked back with a snack.

When, over the server there arose such a clatter,
I called Mr. Gates to see what was the matter.

But he was away, so I flew like a flash...
Off to the bank to withdraw all my cash.

When what, to my wondering eyes, should I see--
My good old Mac looked sick to me.

The hack of all hackers was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be the Y2K bug.

His image downloaded in no time at all.
He whistled and shouted, "Let all systems fall!

Go Intel, go Gateway, now HP, Big Blue,
Go everything--Compaq and Pentium, too.

All processors big, all processors small...
Crash away, crash away, crash away all!"

All the controls the planes need for their flight,
All microwaves, trains, and all traffic lights.

As I drew in my breath and was turning around
Out from the modem he came with a bound,

He was covered in fur and, slung on his back
Was a sack full of virus, set for attack.

His eyes--how they twinkled, his dimples--how merry,
His midnight approach, though, soon became scary.

He had a broad little face and a round little belly
And a sack full of virus that quivered like jelly.

He was chubby and plump, perpetually grinning.
I laughed when I saw him, though my hard-drive stopped spinning.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know a new feeling of dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work.
He changed all the clocks, then turned with a jerk.

With a twitch of his nose and a quick little wink
All things electronic soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system to the next folks online.
He caused such a disruption; could this be a sign?

Then I heard him exclaim with a loud hearty cry,
"Happy Y2K to all, kiss your PC good-bye!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:58 AM

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs... Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:59 AM

The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers...

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:14 AM

Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Hey, you look like that girl I ****ed a few days ago...

Aren't you one of the Village People?

Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:14 AM

Good reasons to celebrate the end of the dot-com boom...

1. Real-estate ads will stop saying, "Charming 900-square-foot fixer-upper is real bargain at $750,000."

2. No more pretending you actually thought Business 2.0 was something you wanted to read.

3. Your boss is older than you again.

4. Streets are no longer blocked for weekly presidential visits.

5. We never knew what to say at launch parties anyway. "Yeah, eYada.com sounds real viable to me."

6. Capitalists need no longer be referred to as "angels."

7. Your neighborhood dry cleaner and shoe repair shop are less likely to go out of business.

8. The arugula shortage is over.

9. College grads can be enthusiastic again about making $29K a year at a worthwhile nonprofit.

10. We no longer have to see William Shatner reminding us, "You know what to do, dawg! Bust a mooooove."

11. Elvis Costello should never have had to play parties where people were younger than the song "Alison."

12. Super Bowl ads can go back to being frogs and "Wasssssup?" again.

13. Children shouldn't own cell phones.

14. The smug jerk who fired us six months ago is scanning name tags and handing out his résumé at pink-slip parties.

15. Day traders can return to their original careers—Amway salesmen.

16. We no longer have to abide by absurd company titles like "Chief Goatee Boy," "Chief Ponytail Guy" or the chipper/condescending "Office Mom."

17. Dogs probably weren't really ever meant to come to work.

18. Twenty-eight is too early for a midlife crisis.

19. Independent bookstores will remain more than just places to browse for titles before buying online and will stop going out of business.

20. Fewer coke-and-stripper binges means more time to work on tell-all memoir.

21. Paying for one's own $7 beers functionally limits incipient alcoholism.

22. Rats accustomed to foie gras leftovers are now dying out.

23. A Foosball table is no longer considered office equipment.

24. Now that portfolio's gone, no more annoying frantic margin calls from broker.

25. We can say goodbye to a simplicity movement that confused cleaner closets with cleansing the soul.

26. Lunch hour was meant for lunch, not yoga.

27. We can find receptionists who speak in complete sentences, and use words like "please" and "yes."

28. Dorky, geek eyewear has returned to its preboom status: dorky and geek.

29. We no longer have to listen to: "You live on less than $90,000 a year? How do you do it?"

30. The crash hit before "click-n-sniff" was perfected.

31. With stocks as a bad conversational gambit, party chatter can return to its proper content—gossip, backbiting and rumor-mongering.

32. Silicon Valley's aspiring trophy wives can now get a life. Or at least a job at the auto show.

33. There are fewer clueless yuppies with purebred puppies pretending to be animal lovers in the park.

34. No more stupid logos that resemble children's toys, animals, flying electrons or the Nike swoosh.

35. We can look forward to dramatic TV programs about laid-off dotcommers looking for something emotional and human, with titles like My So-Called Stock Options, Offline, and Burnt Beyond Recognition.

36. Fewer people from New York are moving here.

37. Dumb ideas can die with the dignity of never being funded, instead of being pitched to pension funds as lucrative investments.

38. We no longer have to dance under a cloud of the Clinique fragrance "Happy" in local clubs.

39. Those of us who never bought in (and thought we missed out) can once again raise our heads with dignity.

40. Starbucks can return to its status as the coffee belt for soccer moms, cops and professors, not aspiring entrepreneurs who can't afford office space.

41. We've seen the last of incomprehensible dot-com advertisements for incomprehensible clients during the Super Bowl.

42. Elegant restaurants can return to being a place for intimate gatherings between friends and lovers, not corporate hangouts for swarms of polo shirts trying to bond.

43. Accepting all that customer-appreciation graft—the free dog food, the maps, $10-off certificates—made us feel kind of sordid anyway.

44. Hello, grad school!

45. No more dot-com nonsense on freeway billboards. They made even The Gap ads seem clever.

46. We can book a room and a massage in the wine country without a yearlong wait.

47. Lines at the coffeehouse no longer snake out the door because of people ordering 12-packs of double caramel macchiato, with whip.

48. No more rants about "shallow Californians" from people who moved to California because they thought they could get rich quick.

49. Experience and talent can once again mean something.

50. All that shouting over cubicles, using excessive profanity and gorging on junk food didn't really reflect the company's mission statement.

51. Webvan won't have to change its logo again and PacBell Park, thankfully, will have to replace its Webvan cupholders.

52. Evening visits to supermarkets will replace chat rooms as the pickup spots of choice.

53. Maybe San Francisco will get some of its soul back.

54. Launch parties were becoming love-ins for former sorority sisters and frat boys.

55. Teens with pink hair who listen to MP3s for a living no longer get paid more than the national median wage.

56. Because an REI outfit doesn't go with an ROI discussion.

57. We no longer have to see Whoopi Goldberg stumping for Flooz.com.

58. The dotcom generation will have to retire at 60 after all—not 30.

59. Grandparents will stop asking us about this "Internut mumbo jumbo."

60. We might not have to wait a century or two for DSL installation.

61. Job attention span for twentysomethings can pass four months.

62. We don't have to put up with unsolicited career advice from recent high school grads who think the Ray of Light album is old-school Madonna.

63. Too many intellectual property lawyers were being spawned.

64. All of that free pizza and soft drink consumption was going to end up as a whopping Medicare bill around 2050 or so.

65. There are fewer people in skin-tight Spandex on $7,000 bikes that they don't know how to ride.

66. No more Solutions Architects.

67. Smarmy landlords have to go groveling for tenants again and engage in the humiliating process of upgrading their property before charging exorbitant rents.

68. Al Gore has stopped boasting that he invented the Internet.

69. We can return to more aesthetic ballpark names like Candlestick and Fenway—and fewer like 3Com, PacBell, Network Associates and Compaq.

70. There will be enough yellow beets and old vine zinfandel to go around at restaurants.

71. People finally have been forced to trade their gas-guzzling, highway-hogging, rollover-happy SUVs for cars you can see past of when riding behind them.

72. Money didn't buy refinement.

73. Civil service employees can go back to surfing for porn on their work computers, instead of constantly checking their stocks on the Internet.

74. Extraterrestrials will revert to visiting rural Midwesterners for attention, rather than wealthy young web CEOs.

75. People finally agree that dropping out of college after reading HTML for Dummies wasn't such a good idea after all.

76. Coming to a bookstore near you: Poverty for Dummies and Down and Out in Palo Alto.

77. The .com TLD isn't tacked onto every company's name, regardless of its product or service.

78. Slacker II.

79. Humvee limos aren't parked in front of every nice restaurant on Friday night.

80. Price/earnings ratios can orbit back from their parallel universe to the old textbook reality we know and love.

81. Service workers under the age of 30 will actually show up for work again.

82. Working at Lockheed has regained a measure of cachet.

83. All those "Silicon" place names were monotonous and unimaginative. Silicon Alley? Silicon Forest? What was next? Silicon Bowery? Silicon Rockies?

84. Kids will stop mistaking Bill Gates for the President of the United States.

85. After two years of trying to hail a cab in San Francisco, you can actually get one.

86. Silly topiary projects, untrimmed since the 2000 Q2 financials came out, are regaining their natural shape.

87. Stupid people are no longer "visionary," now just plain stupid.

88. You are finally able to determine who your real friends are. (Sorry, friend.)

89. Wearing Armani to pick up your unemployment check makes welfare fashionable again.

90. We're finally able to reach the eighth level of CoolBoarders.

91. Unemployed guys + unemployed gals = great sympathy sex.

92. A new last-hope website: Sparechange.com.

93. Excessive, tasteless spending can go back to its proper domains: aging English rock stars and one-hit-wonder hip-hop artists.

94. No more stock tips from the newspaper boy.

95. Liquidation auctions feature excellent prices on Aeron chairs.

96. We can wake up to alarm clock music again, not nail guns from a neighbor's monster home addition.

97. Walking someone to the door will once again be considered a courteous gesture.

98. An American Studies degree will no longer qualify one for employment at a high technology company.

99. Just like they said about the '60s: It had to end sometime. Thank God.

100. Psychiatrists are no longer suicidal from treating cases of "Sudden Wealth Syndrome."

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:15 AM

Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...

Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.

New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.

New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.

Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.

Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.

Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap

Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.

Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.

Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.

Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.

West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.

Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.

Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.

Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.

Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.

Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the other. Dick on the steering wheel

New Orleans: One hand on wheel, one hand holding down sum hookers head while she's giving head!

Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.

California: (Bay Area / Silicon Valley) One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.

Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway.

Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ass, chunks of rust falling off by the pound.

Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.

Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ass.

Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress.

Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:16 AM

Mother Taught Me

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:16 AM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following is an important announcement...

Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:17 AM

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much, bot leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

He has less going on upstairs than a one story house.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour **** out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

24 cents short of a quarter.

A few bricks shy of a full load.

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:17 AM

Training

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In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic
Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you,

Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:18 AM

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.