Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 14 - Marine Corps Community for USMC Marine Veterans

thedrifter

07-23-03, 06:19 AM

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

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To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

thedrifter

07-23-03, 06:19 AM

You know its going to be a bad day ahead when...

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed.

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's non of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your income tax check bounces.

You put both contacts in one eye.

thedrifter

07-23-03, 06:20 AM

Bankers Balls

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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." The president laughs, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" The president agrees, "Sure, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

thedrifter

07-23-03, 06:21 AM

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your ******* is in Washington.
* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her ****.
* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, Ariz.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
* Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's,
Phoenix, Ariz.

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed
Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,
Beverly Hills, CA

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

thedrifter

07-23-03, 06:22 AM

Because I'm A Guy

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Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find
this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

thedrifter

07-23-03, 06:22 AM

Bedroom Golf

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Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a give course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:26 AM

A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.
"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my
store, the doors opened and an elephant came out.
He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the
jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck
pulled away."
The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification
purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"
"What's the difference?" asked the jeweler. "Well," said the sergeant,
"an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has
little ears."
"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler.
"He had a stocking over his head."

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:27 AM

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak
something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any
public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side
streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a
London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman,
"whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started
****ing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning
toward
the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British
courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:29 AM

A Very Wise Man

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right
in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not..

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:29 AM

Bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one
brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years,
they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from
repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed
their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her
sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word.
" Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to
send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she
nods and says, "I want you to send her
the word "comfortable." The operator
shakes his head. "How is she ever going
to know that you want her to hitch the
trailer to your pickup truck and drive out
here to haul that bull back to your ranch
if you send her just the word
"comfortable?" The brunette explains,
"My sister's blonde. The word's big.
She'll read it very slowly
... com-for-da-bul."

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:31 AM

Believe It Or Not

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A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven't got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:32 AM

Here are the best headlines of the year (yes, they are real)...

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

12. Eye Drops Off Shelf

13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids

14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death

18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

23. War Dims Hope For Peace

24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

26. Deer Kill 17,000

27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge

31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy

35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half

38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:33 AM

Store employees put up with a lot of ****. When jerks come into their store treating them like crap, there is a lot that goes through an employees mind they just can't just say without loosing their jobs...

You are obviously smarter than me, so if YOU can't figure it out, what the hell makes you think I can?

No, sir, I'm not hard-of-hearing, neither am I stupid. You just don't speak good English.

Do you notice that your bad behaviour is embarrassing your wife?

Do you want me to go ahead and call the manager, or do you want me to wait till you're REALLY ****ed off?

I can tell you right now I'm not going to give you very good service, because I think you're drunk or possibly on drugs, and frankly, you scare the hell out of me.

No, sir, I can't do math in my head, but I can spell diarrhea.

I realize I'm ignoring you, but you're in here every three days with your bratty kid and you never buy anything you don't return.

Shame on you for using such language in front of your children.

You've been waiting 30 minutes? Why didn't you use the time to find it yourself?

If I were as smart as you THINK I should be, I'd be making a lot more money than I am now.

Don't complain about the ****ing line up and then fumble through your purse for 5 minutes when you finally have your order taken.

Ahhhh thanks for that tip chief...maybe I can make a ****ing phone call now!

No, really, I want you to call me every day to ask what time we close when we are open 24 hours a day.

Please bring in your ****ing dirty cans and bottles that are filled with cigarette butts, ****, cockroaches, ants.... And yes, you do have to put your nasty **** on a box, because ill be dammed if I touch that.

Oh yes, please let me search out that item that we haven't had for eight years and then ***** to me for a half hour about how we had it yesterday. We didn't...*******!

Should I hand you the fries or shove them up your fat ass?

So you want a combo, but you want onion rings instead of fries, a stake instead of a burger, and you want a can of pop instead of fountain pop.....WELL IT AIN'T A ****ING COMBO NO MORE!!!

Well now that you've ordered your large popcorn with extra butter and 2 large chocolate bars, I'm sure that the large DIET coke will really do you some good and cancel out the 10,000 calories you are about to eat while you sit on your ass and do sweet **** all nothing for the next two hours.

You're an idiot. So are your kids.

You know I am off work and yet you insist on motioning to me... Well for some reason I have gone blind and can't see you. Dink!

Maybe you should buy a full length mirror before buying all that junk food.

What the **** are you standing around staring at the menu for, jackass?!?!? We've had the same ******* menu for 25 years. Get the ****ing quarter pounder!

Don't complain about the ****ing line up if you have had the past 15 minutes to get your money ready and your only now fumbling through your bottomless purse for money. Get organized you old, useless, inconsiderate, ungrateful, sack of ****.

We're closed dumb ****, that's why I didn't take your order when you pulled through my drive thru!

No I won't make your sandwich without pickles, you can eat what the rest of ****ing America likes!

Will you get out of my store so that I may clean up your ****ing mess, so that I can go home?

I don't mind helping you Sir/Madame, but please go home and take a BATH!!!

OK dumbass, it was a choice of paper OR plastic. Not a combination thereof, just paper or friggin' plastic. Do you honestly think I care about the arse of your bags ripping?

No you moron, I don't work here! I'm only here because I like to wear this name tag, sweep floors and hang around 10 to 12 hours a day for the fun of it!

You don't like the new layout of the store? OK, well **** off to another supermarket. I don't give a ****.

The food will never look like it does in the pictures. The food in the picture was plastic.

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:34 AM

Bored Beyond Belief

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Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.

Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.

Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

Pay your electric bill in pennies.

Drive to work in reverse.

Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.

Polish your car with earwax.

Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

Braid the hairs in each nostril.

Write a short story using alphabet soup.

Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:34 AM

Brunette Jokes

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Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it.

Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet? "

Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation

Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage

Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?
A. Fisher-Price

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their mustache.

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:35 AM

Bumper Stickers

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Jesus loves you, but I think your an *******!

Zero to dick in 60 seconds.

Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes...

Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.

Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS

Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can

If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the **** out!

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Born free... taxed to death.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!

Don't blame me! I didn't vote!

Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!

If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.

Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!

Nice People Swallow!

Honk if you have had sex with Clinton.

Hang Up And Drive!

If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!

This car is not abandoned!

I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-****-YOU

"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING

Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often

If your cute,single,and rich, HONK!

If you don't trust me with my decision, how can you trust me with a baby? Pro-Choice For Abortion

Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.

WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.

Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.

My wife's other car is a broom.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bull****.

Constipated people don't give a ****.

Practice safe sex, go **** yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

I'm out of bed and dressed....What more do you want.

I love cats...dead ones.

I don't have an attitude problem...You have a perception problem.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Zero to ***** in 10 seconds

I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!

Life is like a bowl of cherries, and I'm in the pits!

Can't sleep, clown will eat me; Can't sleep, clown will eat me......

Wine me, Dine me, 69 me!

Student Driver-Get the hell out of my way!

HONK! If Monica Lewinsky blew you!

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

Barney sucks.

Life is too short. Don't be a dick.

Forget Subtlety... **** YOU!

Most of the time I swallow, but for *******'s like you, I spit...

**** the dog watch out for the owner.

If it's tourist season, Then why can't we hunt them.

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

Hire the handicapped, they're fun to watch.

Happiness is lipstick on my dipstick!

A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.

I cant remember if I'm the good twin or the bad one.

I just want revenge. Is that so bad?

I'm smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!

I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

So many cats.....so few recipes.

My other ride is your MOTHER!!

Practicing Safe Sex? Give yourself a hand!

thedrifter

07-24-03, 06:36 AM

Business Meetings

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To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work.

There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:

1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and...
2. Going to meetings.

Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.

The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).

At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.

But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of their "agenda". At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings.

The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.

An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie, "Night of the Living Dead," you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.

There are two major kinds of meetings:

1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind account for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school, with everyone getting to say something, the difference being that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say.

When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand." You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how they do it in Japan.

2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: "Norm?" Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career).

But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your "input" on something. This is very serious because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way is to set fire to your tie.

Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from the president of the company, or the Pope."

You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking rectangles like this: (picture of doodled rectangles). If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss).

If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right of the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they should file quietly out of the room.

Phantom Blooper

07-24-03, 09:47 PM

A deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about two miles from the Missouri state line.When the deputy asked the driver why he was speeding he said that he was a magician and a juggler and that he was on his way to do a show that night and he didn't want to be late.The deputy told the driver that he was always fascinated by juggling and if he did some juggling for him he would not give him a ticket. The driver said that he had sent all his props ahead of him and he didn't have anything to juggle.The deputy said that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked the man if he could juggle them. The man said that he could, so the deputy got three flares,lit them and handed them to the man.While the juggler was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squadcar, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly then went to the rear door of the squadcar,opened it and got in.The deputy observed the drunk doing this and went over to the car and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.The drunk replied,"Might as well take my a$$ to jail, there is no way in hell I can pass that test.":banana:

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:53 AM

Rules

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I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the **** is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:54 AM

Calling the Jackass

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For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:55 AM

You know you've joined a pretty cheap ass health plan when...

Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."

Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."

You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

Exam room has a tip jar.

You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

"Take two leeches and call me in the morning."

The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."

Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.

Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.

Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass."

To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.

Recycled bandages

You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.

Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.

24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK

Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.

Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:56 AM

Ever wonder why the chicken crossed the road?

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

BILL CLINTON: That depends on what your definition of "did" is.

GEORGE BUSH JR: I don't know, but I'll tell you this: That chicken may run, but it can't hide. God bless America.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: Did you actually see it cross the road? Or did you suddenly notice that it had appeared on the other side? You think you saw it cross the road, but that's an illusion. How many more chickens have to appear before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken Millenium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: What color was the chicken? If you do your research, you will find that it was a white chicken. Roads are always black. The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

COLONEL SANDERS: You mean I missed one?!

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:57 AM

If you have ever attempted to organize a Christmas function at work, you will relate to these emails all too well...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our
CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.

Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:58 AM

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was ****ed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?

The old lady *****es cause I work late at night

The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those *******s from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits

They want the impossible ...Those mean little ****s

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason

I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Twas The Night Before Y2K

'Twas the night before Y2K and, all through the nation,
We awaited the bug--the millennium sensation.

The chips were replaced in computers with care
In hopes that old "bugsy" wouldn't stop there.

While some folks would think they were snug in their beds,
Others had visions of dread in their heads.

And Ma, with her PC, and I, with my Mac
Had just logged on the 'net and kicked back with a snack.

When, over the server there arose such a clatter,
I called Mr. Gates to see what was the matter.

But he was away, so I flew like a flash...
Off to the bank to withdraw all my cash.

When what, to my wondering eyes, should I see--
My good old Mac looked sick to me.

The hack of all hackers was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be the Y2K bug.

His image downloaded in no time at all.
He whistled and shouted, "Let all systems fall!

Go Intel, go Gateway, now HP, Big Blue,
Go everything--Compaq and Pentium, too.

All processors big, all processors small...
Crash away, crash away, crash away all!"

All the controls the planes need for their flight,
All microwaves, trains, and all traffic lights.

As I drew in my breath and was turning around
Out from the modem he came with a bound,

He was covered in fur and, slung on his back
Was a sack full of virus, set for attack.

His eyes--how they twinkled, his dimples--how merry,
His midnight approach, though, soon became scary.

He had a broad little face and a round little belly
And a sack full of virus that quivered like jelly.

He was chubby and plump, perpetually grinning.
I laughed when I saw him, though my hard-drive stopped spinning.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know a new feeling of dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work.
He changed all the clocks, then turned with a jerk.

With a twitch of his nose and a quick little wink
All things electronic soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system to the next folks online.
He caused such a disruption; could this be a sign?

Then I heard him exclaim with a loud hearty cry,
"Happy Y2K to all, kiss your PC good-bye!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:58 AM

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs... Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

thedrifter

07-25-03, 05:59 AM

The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers...

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:14 AM

Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Hey, you look like that girl I ****ed a few days ago...

Aren't you one of the Village People?

Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:14 AM

Good reasons to celebrate the end of the dot-com boom...

1. Real-estate ads will stop saying, "Charming 900-square-foot fixer-upper is real bargain at $750,000."

2. No more pretending you actually thought Business 2.0 was something you wanted to read.

3. Your boss is older than you again.

4. Streets are no longer blocked for weekly presidential visits.

5. We never knew what to say at launch parties anyway. "Yeah, eYada.com sounds real viable to me."

6. Capitalists need no longer be referred to as "angels."

7. Your neighborhood dry cleaner and shoe repair shop are less likely to go out of business.

8. The arugula shortage is over.

9. College grads can be enthusiastic again about making $29K a year at a worthwhile nonprofit.

10. We no longer have to see William Shatner reminding us, "You know what to do, dawg! Bust a mooooove."

11. Elvis Costello should never have had to play parties where people were younger than the song "Alison."

12. Super Bowl ads can go back to being frogs and "Wasssssup?" again.

13. Children shouldn't own cell phones.

14. The smug jerk who fired us six months ago is scanning name tags and handing out his résumé at pink-slip parties.

15. Day traders can return to their original careers—Amway salesmen.

16. We no longer have to abide by absurd company titles like "Chief Goatee Boy," "Chief Ponytail Guy" or the chipper/condescending "Office Mom."

17. Dogs probably weren't really ever meant to come to work.

18. Twenty-eight is too early for a midlife crisis.

19. Independent bookstores will remain more than just places to browse for titles before buying online and will stop going out of business.

20. Fewer coke-and-stripper binges means more time to work on tell-all memoir.

21. Paying for one's own $7 beers functionally limits incipient alcoholism.

22. Rats accustomed to foie gras leftovers are now dying out.

23. A Foosball table is no longer considered office equipment.

24. Now that portfolio's gone, no more annoying frantic margin calls from broker.

25. We can say goodbye to a simplicity movement that confused cleaner closets with cleansing the soul.

26. Lunch hour was meant for lunch, not yoga.

27. We can find receptionists who speak in complete sentences, and use words like "please" and "yes."

28. Dorky, geek eyewear has returned to its preboom status: dorky and geek.

29. We no longer have to listen to: "You live on less than $90,000 a year? How do you do it?"

30. The crash hit before "click-n-sniff" was perfected.

31. With stocks as a bad conversational gambit, party chatter can return to its proper content—gossip, backbiting and rumor-mongering.

32. Silicon Valley's aspiring trophy wives can now get a life. Or at least a job at the auto show.

33. There are fewer clueless yuppies with purebred puppies pretending to be animal lovers in the park.

34. No more stupid logos that resemble children's toys, animals, flying electrons or the Nike swoosh.

35. We can look forward to dramatic TV programs about laid-off dotcommers looking for something emotional and human, with titles like My So-Called Stock Options, Offline, and Burnt Beyond Recognition.

36. Fewer people from New York are moving here.

37. Dumb ideas can die with the dignity of never being funded, instead of being pitched to pension funds as lucrative investments.

38. We no longer have to dance under a cloud of the Clinique fragrance "Happy" in local clubs.

39. Those of us who never bought in (and thought we missed out) can once again raise our heads with dignity.

40. Starbucks can return to its status as the coffee belt for soccer moms, cops and professors, not aspiring entrepreneurs who can't afford office space.

41. We've seen the last of incomprehensible dot-com advertisements for incomprehensible clients during the Super Bowl.

42. Elegant restaurants can return to being a place for intimate gatherings between friends and lovers, not corporate hangouts for swarms of polo shirts trying to bond.

43. Accepting all that customer-appreciation graft—the free dog food, the maps, $10-off certificates—made us feel kind of sordid anyway.

44. Hello, grad school!

45. No more dot-com nonsense on freeway billboards. They made even The Gap ads seem clever.

46. We can book a room and a massage in the wine country without a yearlong wait.

47. Lines at the coffeehouse no longer snake out the door because of people ordering 12-packs of double caramel macchiato, with whip.

48. No more rants about "shallow Californians" from people who moved to California because they thought they could get rich quick.

49. Experience and talent can once again mean something.

50. All that shouting over cubicles, using excessive profanity and gorging on junk food didn't really reflect the company's mission statement.

51. Webvan won't have to change its logo again and PacBell Park, thankfully, will have to replace its Webvan cupholders.

52. Evening visits to supermarkets will replace chat rooms as the pickup spots of choice.

53. Maybe San Francisco will get some of its soul back.

54. Launch parties were becoming love-ins for former sorority sisters and frat boys.

55. Teens with pink hair who listen to MP3s for a living no longer get paid more than the national median wage.

56. Because an REI outfit doesn't go with an ROI discussion.

57. We no longer have to see Whoopi Goldberg stumping for Flooz.com.

58. The dotcom generation will have to retire at 60 after all—not 30.

59. Grandparents will stop asking us about this "Internut mumbo jumbo."

60. We might not have to wait a century or two for DSL installation.

61. Job attention span for twentysomethings can pass four months.

62. We don't have to put up with unsolicited career advice from recent high school grads who think the Ray of Light album is old-school Madonna.

63. Too many intellectual property lawyers were being spawned.

64. All of that free pizza and soft drink consumption was going to end up as a whopping Medicare bill around 2050 or so.

65. There are fewer people in skin-tight Spandex on $7,000 bikes that they don't know how to ride.

66. No more Solutions Architects.

67. Smarmy landlords have to go groveling for tenants again and engage in the humiliating process of upgrading their property before charging exorbitant rents.

68. Al Gore has stopped boasting that he invented the Internet.

69. We can return to more aesthetic ballpark names like Candlestick and Fenway—and fewer like 3Com, PacBell, Network Associates and Compaq.

70. There will be enough yellow beets and old vine zinfandel to go around at restaurants.

71. People finally have been forced to trade their gas-guzzling, highway-hogging, rollover-happy SUVs for cars you can see past of when riding behind them.

72. Money didn't buy refinement.

73. Civil service employees can go back to surfing for porn on their work computers, instead of constantly checking their stocks on the Internet.

74. Extraterrestrials will revert to visiting rural Midwesterners for attention, rather than wealthy young web CEOs.

75. People finally agree that dropping out of college after reading HTML for Dummies wasn't such a good idea after all.

76. Coming to a bookstore near you: Poverty for Dummies and Down and Out in Palo Alto.

77. The .com TLD isn't tacked onto every company's name, regardless of its product or service.

78. Slacker II.

79. Humvee limos aren't parked in front of every nice restaurant on Friday night.

80. Price/earnings ratios can orbit back from their parallel universe to the old textbook reality we know and love.

81. Service workers under the age of 30 will actually show up for work again.

82. Working at Lockheed has regained a measure of cachet.

83. All those "Silicon" place names were monotonous and unimaginative. Silicon Alley? Silicon Forest? What was next? Silicon Bowery? Silicon Rockies?

84. Kids will stop mistaking Bill Gates for the President of the United States.

85. After two years of trying to hail a cab in San Francisco, you can actually get one.

86. Silly topiary projects, untrimmed since the 2000 Q2 financials came out, are regaining their natural shape.

87. Stupid people are no longer "visionary," now just plain stupid.

88. You are finally able to determine who your real friends are. (Sorry, friend.)

89. Wearing Armani to pick up your unemployment check makes welfare fashionable again.

90. We're finally able to reach the eighth level of CoolBoarders.

91. Unemployed guys + unemployed gals = great sympathy sex.

92. A new last-hope website: Sparechange.com.

93. Excessive, tasteless spending can go back to its proper domains: aging English rock stars and one-hit-wonder hip-hop artists.

94. No more stock tips from the newspaper boy.

95. Liquidation auctions feature excellent prices on Aeron chairs.

96. We can wake up to alarm clock music again, not nail guns from a neighbor's monster home addition.

97. Walking someone to the door will once again be considered a courteous gesture.

98. An American Studies degree will no longer qualify one for employment at a high technology company.

99. Just like they said about the '60s: It had to end sometime. Thank God.

100. Psychiatrists are no longer suicidal from treating cases of "Sudden Wealth Syndrome."

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:15 AM

Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...

Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.

New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.

New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.

Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.

Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.

Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap

Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.

Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.

Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.

Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.

West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.

Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.

Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.

Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.

Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.

Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the other. Dick on the steering wheel

New Orleans: One hand on wheel, one hand holding down sum hookers head while she's giving head!

Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.

California: (Bay Area / Silicon Valley) One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.

Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway.

Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ass, chunks of rust falling off by the pound.

Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.

Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ass.

Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress.

Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:16 AM

Mother Taught Me

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:16 AM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following is an important announcement...

Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:17 AM

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much, bot leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

He has less going on upstairs than a one story house.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour **** out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

24 cents short of a quarter.

A few bricks shy of a full load.

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:17 AM

Training

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In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic
Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you,

Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:18 AM

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

thedrifter

07-26-03, 07:19 AM

Falwell Targets

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The Rev. Jerry Falwell recently outed Tinky Winky, from the television show, "Teletubbies", because, Falwell pronounced, "The character is clearly a fount of gayness. He is purple, the gay color, he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and he carries a purse, something all gay people do." But Falwell's work is far from over. Following are some other targets he is preparing to go after...

Fred Flintstone

Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team; "Twinkle-Toes Flintstones." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!" He wears an orange vest with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.

Bugs Bunny

Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belts out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it is worth noting, has a lisp.

Velma (of Scooby Doo)

Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.

Popeye

Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.

Batman and Robin

Evidence: Robin's nickname - Boy Wonder. Batman's real name is Bruce. Both wear tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their "grappling hooks."

Peppermint Patty

Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname; Sir.

The Pink Panther

Enough said.

thedrifter

07-27-03, 07:29 AM

Farting Guide

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The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some of the worlds leading fartology organizations.

1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having an "I can't do it!" frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to those final moments when its release or hold time, you just have to repeat again and again, "Just let it happen... its ok..."

2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you're a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) you're partly on your way. If you're older and are using **** assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbors farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical American male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV... Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? Its about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don't assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do.

3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best maximizes the bodies ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Lets travel forth and delve into the world of position and location...

Leg Lift "Elevator" Position
Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg (almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side - never to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is by far the most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for its ability to expel farts quickly and accurately between floors. The signature of a leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on their face as they exit, as you unknowingly enter.

Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most likely not visit again are a bonus.

Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Truly a bad call.

"Imperial" Throne Position
Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack of bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending down into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of it as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least voluntarily).

Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the fart.

Cons: Similar to when taking a ****, which could confuse mind and cause "dyer" consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to a job interview is not recommended.

Wal-Mart Fart Position
There have been so many reports of this position and its success of creating "brown air" that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as you normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least the weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in an unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but you will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can affect fartage potency and volume.

Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the leg lift position.

Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store boxing day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence.

Power Arching
Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available, hang onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is difficult for you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the car repair shop. Similar to the "ass pounding" position you take when getting the quote to have your car's transmission replaced. Power arching is excellent for "customer service" counters at department stores; local Radio Shack stores when reaching over and examining an expensive and ridiculous keychain that has a flashlight, time telling in 12 languages, compass and calculator all in one; a supermarket you do not usually visit.

Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position.

Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments: power arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been known to cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so, lasting damage to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends and not so blossoming marriages.

All positions and locations have their pros and cons, it is the duty of an aspiring fart master to leverage the situations and environments available to him or her. With a bit of thoughtful planning you can start off the day with some power arching in the library; do a bit of leg lifting at the food court for lunch; and wind up the day with an all out assault on your senses with a satisfying throne position fart in the car on the way home. Remember, its all about position, location and a "can-do" attitude!

Original material "Farting Guide" ©Copyright 2002 Visca Corporation. All rights reserved.

thedrifter

07-27-03, 07:30 AM

Farting People

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The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.

The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.

The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.

The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.

The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but ****s instead.

The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.

The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.

The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.

The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.

The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.

The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

thedrifter

07-27-03, 07:30 AM

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

thedrifter

07-27-03, 07:32 AM

Florida Slogans

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FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Re-vote.

FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!

FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

FLORIDA: So nice, we let you vote twice.

FLORIDA: We put the "duh" in Florida.

FLORIDA: This isn't good when Alabama counts faster than us!

FLORIDA: Once is never enough!

FLORIDA: We would do a recount but we've run out of fingers and toes!

FLORIDA: Don't blame me, I voted for Gore, I think.

FLORIDA: Don't blame me, my vote didn't count.

FLORIDA: We're retired --no wait-- we're retarded!

FLORIDA: Don't count on us!

FLORIDA: Home of the edible chad.

FLORIDA: Bumbling better than ever!

thedrifter

07-27-03, 07:32 AM

Funny Instructions

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Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

thedrifter

07-27-03, 07:33 AM

Names A-J

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There is nothing better at 5pm on a Friday afternoon, than to call up the airport and have one of these names paged...

Aaron Thetires (Air in the Tires)
Abe Rudder (Hey Brother)
Abbie Birthday (Happy Birthday)
Abel N. Willan (Able and Willing)
Achilles Punks (I'll Kill These Punks)
Adam Bomb (Atom Bomb)
Adam Meway (Out of My Way)
Adam Sapple (Adam's Apple)
Adolf Oliver Nippils (Ate Off All Of Her Nipples)
Al B. Zienya (I'll Be Seeing You)
Al DePantzeu (I'll De-Pants You)
Al Gore-Rythim (Algorithym)
Al Kaholic (Alcoholic)
Al Kaseltzer (Alkaseltzer)
Al Kickurass (I'll Kick Your Ass)
Al Killeu (I'll Kill You)
Al Luminum (Aluminum)
Al Nino (El Nino)
Al O'Moaney (Alimony)
Alpha Kenny Wun (I'll **** Anyone)
Alec Tricity (Electricity)
Alex Blaine Layder (I'll Explain Later)
Alf Abet (Alphabet)
Ali Gator (Ali Gator)
Allota Fagina (A lot of vagina)
Amanda B. Recandwithe (A Man to Be Reckoned With)
Amanda Lay (A Man To Lay)
Amanda Hugnkiss (A Man to Hug and Kiss)
Andy Gravity (Anti-Gravity)
Andy Structible (Indestructible)
Anita Cock (I need a cock)
Anita Bath (I Need A Bath)
Anita Hoare (I Need A *****)
Ann B. Dextrous (Ambidextrous)
Ann Chovie (Anchovy)
Ann Tartica (Antartica)
Anna Linjection (Anal Injection)
Anna Mull (Animal)
Anna Rexiya (Anorexia)
Anne T. Lope (Antelope)
Annie Buddyhome (Anybody Home)
Annie Mah (Enema)
Ariel Hassle (A Real Hassle)
Artie Choke (Artichoke)
Aunty Biotic (Anti-Biotic)
Ayma Dommy (I'm A Dummy)
Ayma Moron (I'm a Moron)
Barb Dwyer (Barbed Wire)
Barb E. Cue (Barbecue)
Barry D'Alive (Buried Alive)
Barry D. Hatchett (Bury the Hatchett)
Barry Shmelly (Very Smelly)
Bart Ender (Bartender)
Bea O'Problem (B.O. Problem)
Bea Sting (Bee Sting)
Beau Vine (Bovine)
Ben Crobbery (Bank Robbery)
Ben Dover (Bend Over)
Ben O'Drill (Benadryl)
Ben Thair (Been There)
Ben Lyon (Been lieing)
Bess Twishes (Best Wishes)
Betty Bangzer (Bet He Bangs Her)
Betty Beatzer (Bet He Beats Her)
Betty Humpser (Bet He Humps Her)
Bill Board (Billboard)
Bill Ding (Building)
Bill Leeake (Belly Ache)
Bill Lowney (Bologna)
Bjorn Free (Born Free)
Bo Nessround (Bonus Round)
Bob Frapples (Bob for Apples)
Bowen Arrow (Bow and Arrow)
Boyd Schidt (Bird ****)
Brice Tagg (Price Tag)
Brighton Early (Bright and Early)
Brook Lynn Bridge (Brooklyn Bridge)
Bud Weiser (Budweiser)
Burnedette Down (Burnt it Down)
Buster Cherry (Bust her Cherry)
Buster Hymen (Bust her Hymen)
Cal Culator (Calculator...duh)
Cal Efornia (California)
Cal Seeium (Calcium)
Candice B. DePlace (Can This Be The Place)
Candice B. Fureal (Can This Be For Real)
Carl Arm (Car Alarm)
Carlotta Tendant (Car Lot Attendant)
Carra S. Midown (Caress Me Down)
Carrie DeKoffin (Carry the Coffin)
Carrie Oakey (Karaoke)
Carson O. Gin (Carcinogen)
Casey Deeya (Quesadilla)
Casey Needzit (In Case He Needs It)
Chad Terbocks (Chatterbox)
Chanda Lear (Chandalear)
Chi Spurger (Cheeseburger)
Chris Ko (Crisco)
Chris Mass (Christmas)
Chris P. Nugget (Crispy Nugget)
Chuck Mysak (Chuck My Sack)
Chuck Roast (Hmmm...Chuck Roast?)
Claire DeAir (Clear the Air)
Clara Nett (Clarinet)
Clara Sabell (Clear as a Bell)
Claude N. Skretchem (Clawed and Scratched Them)
Clint Toris (Clitoris)
Cody Pendant (Co-Dependant)
Cole Kutz (Cold cuts) See
Colette A. Day
Colin Allcars (Calling all Cars)
Colleen Cardd (Calling Card)
Connie Lingus (Cunnilingus)
Craig Potz (Crackpots)
Craven Moorehead (Craving More Head)
Crystal Ball (Crystal Ball)
Curt N. Rodd (Curtain Rod)
Curt Zee (Curtsy)
Cy Burns (Sideburns)
Cy Kosis (Psychosis)
Dale E. Bread (Daily Bread)
Dan D. Lyon (Dandelion)
Dan Druff (Dandruff)
Dan Geruss (Dangerous)
Dan Gleebitz (Dangly Bits)
Danielle Soloud (Don't Yell So Loud)
Darius Lesgettham (There He Is, Let's Get Him)
Darrell B. Moore (There'll be More)
Daryl Lect (Derelict)
Dawn Keebals (Donkey Balls)
Dee Capitated (Decapitated)
Dee Faced (Defaced)
Dee Sember (December)
Dennis Toffice (Dentist Office)
Denny Juan Heredatt (Did Anyone Hear That?)
Des Buratto (Desperado)
Diane Toluvia (Dyin' to Love Ya)
Di O'Bolic (Diobolic)
Dick Cumoff (Dick Come Off)
Dick Gozinia (Dick Goes In Ya)
Dick Head (Uhhh...Dick Head)
Dick N. Cider (Dick Inside Her)
Dick Zucker (Dick Sucker...You Know Who You Are)
Dick Tater (Dictator)
Didi Reelydoit (Did He Really Do It?)
Dinah Sore (Dinosaur)
Doll R. Bill...(Dollar Bill)
Don Thatt (Done That)
Doug Graves (Dug Graves)
Douglas S. Halfempty (The Glass is Half Empty)
Drew Blood (Drew Blood)
Drew Peacock (Droopy Cock)
Duane DeVane (Drain the Vain)
Dustin D. Furniture (Dusting the Furniture)
Dwayne Pipes (Drain Pipes)
Dylan Weed (Dealin' Weed)
Earl E. Byrd (Early Bird)
Eda Dick (Eat a dick)
Ed Ible (Edible)
Ed Jewcation (Education)
Ed Venture (Adventure)
Eileen Dover (I Leaned Over)
Ella Vader (Elevator)
Elle O'Quent (Eloquent)
Ellie Noise (Illinois)
Ellis Dee (L.S.D)
Elmer Sklue (Elmer's Glue)
Emma Roids (Hemorrhoids)
Eric Shun (Erection)
Evan Lee Arps (Heavenly Harps)
Evans Gayte (Heavan's Gate)
Eve Hill (Evil)
Eve Ning (Evening)
Eve O'Lution (Evolution)
Ewan Whatarmy (You and What Army?)
Faye Kinnitt (Faking It)
Faye Slift (Face Lift)
Faye Tallity (Fatality)
Fletcher Bisceps (Flex Your Bisceps)
Frank Furter (Frankfurter)
Freida Convict (Free the Convict)
Frank N. Stein (Frankenstein)
Gabe Asher (Gay Basher)
Gabe Barr (Gay Bar)
Gene E. Yuss (Genius)
Gene Poole (Gene Pool)
Ginger Vitis (Gingervitis)
Gil T. Azell (Guilty as Hell)
Gladys Eeya (Glad to See Ya)
Gus Comzadia (Gas Comes Outta Ya)
Gus Tofwin (Gust of Wind)
Hal E. Luya (Hallelujah)
Hal Jalikakick (How'd ya like a kick)
Hammond Eggs (Ham and Eggs)
Hank E. Panky (Hanky Panky)
Harmon Ikka (Harmonica)
Harris Mint (Harassment)
Harrison Fire (Hair is on Fire)
Harry Balzac (Hairy Ball Sack)
Harry Weiner (Hairy Wiener)
Hayden Seek (Hide & Seek)
Haywood Jablowme (Hey, Would You Blow Me?)
Haywood Jashootmee (Hey Would You Shoot Me?)
Hein Noon (High Noon)
Helen Back (Hell and Back)
Helena Hanbaskett (Hell In A Hand Basket)
Henador Titzhoff (He Gnawed Her Tits Off)
Herbie Hind (Her Behind)
Herb E. Side (Herbiside)
Herbie Voor (Herbivore)
Holden Mcgroin (Holding My Groin)
Holly Dayin (Holiday Inn)
Holly Wood (Hollywood)
Homan Provement (Home Improvent)
Homer Sexual (Homosexual)
Howard I. No (How Would I Know?)
Howe D. Pardner (Howdy Partner)
Hu Flung Pu (Who Flung Poo?)
Huang Annsaw (Wrong Answer)
Hugh Beeotch (You *****)
Hugh deMann (You Da Man!)
Hugh G. Rection (Huge Erection)
Hugh Jass (Huge Ass)
Hugh Mungous (Humungous)
Hugo First (You Go First)
Hy Gene (Hygiene)
Ida Hoe (Idaho)
Ida Whana (I Don't Want to)
Igor Beaver (Eager Beaver)
Ilene Dover (I Leaned Over)
Ima B. Leever (I'm A Believer)
I.P. Freehly (I Pee Freely)
Ira Fuse (I Refuse)
I. Ron Stomach (Iron Stomach)
Ivana Humpalot (I Want to Hump A Lot)
Ivan Itchinanus (I Hate an Itching Anus)
Ivana Kutchukokoff (I Wanna Cut Your Cock Off)
Ivana Tinkle ( I Want to Tinkle)
Izzy Backyet (Is He Back Yet?)
Izzy Cumming (Is He Cumming)
Jack Dupp (Jacked Up)
Jack Koff (Jack Off)
Jack Pot (Jackpot!)
Jacques Strap (Jock Strap)
Jan U. Wharry (January)
Jane Linkfence (Chainlink Fence)
Jaqueline Hyde (Jekyll and Hyde)
Jawana Die (Do Ya Wanna Die?)
Jay Walker (Uhhh...Jay Walker)
Jeanette Akenja-Nearing (Genetic Engineering)
Jed I. Knight (Jedi Knight)
Jeff Healitt (Did Ya Feel It?)
Jenny Tull (Genital)
Jerry Atrics (Geriatrics)
Jim Nasium (Gymnasium)
Joanna Hand (D'ya Want a Hand?)
Joe Czarfunee (Jokes Are Funny)
Joe King (Joking)
Jose Frayed (Who's Afraid)
Juan De Hattatime(One Day at a Time)
Juan Fortharoad (One For the Road)
Juan Nightstand (One Night Stant)
Juana Bea (Wanna-Be)
Justin Case (Just in Case)
Justin Credible (Just Incredible)

thedrifter

07-27-03, 07:33 AM

Funny Names K-Z

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There is nothing better at 5pm on a Friday afternoon, than to call up the airport and have one of these names paged...

Kareem O'Weet (Cream of Wheat)
Kaye Ken Cofe (Cake and Coffee)
Kay Neine (Canine)
Kay O'Pectate (Kaopectate)
Ken Oppenner (Can Opener)
Kenitra Bush (Can I Eat Your Bush)
Kenny Dewitt (Can He Do It?)
Kenny Fakur (Can he **** her)
Kent Cook (Can't Cook)
Kim Payne Slogan (Campaign Slogan)
Kimmy Head (Give Me Head)
Lance Lyde (Landslide)
Laura Lynn Hardy (Laurel and Hardy)
Lee Keyrear (Leaky Rear)
Lee Nover (Lean Over)
Len DeHande (Lend a Hand)
Leo Tarred (Leotard)
Lily Livard (Lily Livered)
Lisa Neucar (Lease a New Car)
Liz Onnia (Lasagna)
Lou Briccant (Lubricant)
Lon Moore (Lawn Mower)
Luke Adam Go (Look at Him Go)
Lou Sirr (Loser)
Lou Stooth (Loose Tooth)
Louise E. Anna (Louisiana)
Lowden Clear (Loud and Clear)
Luke Atmyass (Look At My Ass)
Luna Tick (Lunatic)
Lyle Ike Adogg (Lie Like a Dog)
Lynn Guini (Linguini)
Lynn Meabuck (Lend Me a Buck)
Mabel Syrup (Maple Syrup)
Madame Crotch (My Damn Crotch)
Madka Owdiseez (Mad Cow Disease)
Manuel Labor (Manual labor)
Marcus Absent (Mark Us Absent)
Marge Innastraightline (March in a Straight Line)
Marion Money (Marrying Money)
Mark Mywords (Mark My Words)
Mark Z. Spot (Mark The Spot)
Marsha Dimes (March of Dimes)
Martha Fokker (Mother****er)
Mary Christmas (Merry Christmas)
Mary Gold (Marigold)
Mary Juana (Marijuana)
Mary Ott (Marriot)
Mary Thonn (Marathon)
Master Bates (Masturbates)
May I. Tutchem (May I Touch Them?)
May O'Nays (Mayonaise)
Max E. Mumm (Maximum)
Max E. Pad (Maxi Pad)
Megan Bacon (Makin' Bacon)
Mel Keetehts (Milky Tits)
Melissa Tothis (Ma, Listen to This)
Mel Practiss (Malpractice)
Michael Toris (My Clitoris)
Michelle Lynn (Michelin)
Midas Well (Might As Well...)
Mike Hunt (My ****)
Mike Ockhurts (My Cock Hurts)
Mike Ocksmall (My Cock's Small)
Mike Rohsopht (Microsoft)
Mike Rotchburns (My Crotch Burns)
Milly Meter (Millimeter)
Minnie Skurt (Miniskirt)
Miss Alanius (Miscellaneous)
Misty Meanor (Misdemeanor)
Mitch Again (Michigan)
Miya Buttreaks (My Butt Reaks)
Moe DeLawn (Moe the Lawn)
Moe Lester (Molester)
Moe Skeeto (Mosquito)
Moe Telsiks (Motel Six)
Mary Ott (Marriot)
Mort Tallity (Mortality)
Myra Maines (My Remains)
Mysha Long (My Shlong)
Nadia Seymour (Now do you see more?)
Nida Lyte (Need a Light)
Neil B. Formy (Kneel Before Me)
Neve Adda (Nevada)
Nick L. Andime (Nickel and Dime)
Nick O'Teen (Nicotine)
Nick Ovtime (Nick Of Time)
Oliver Closeoff (All of her Clothes Off)
Ophelia Titzoff (I'll Feel Your Tits Off)
Opie Umsgood (Opium's Good)
Otto B. Kilt (Ought to be Killed)
Otto Whackew (Ought to Whack You)
Paige Turner (Page Turner)
Papa Boner (Pop a Boner)
Pat Myckok (Pat My Cock)
Patty Meltt (Umm....Patty Melt)
Patty O'Furniture (Patio Furniture)
Pearl E. Gates(Pearly Gates)
Pearl E White (Pearly White)
Peppy Roni (Pepperoni)
Pete Zaria (Pizzeria)
Peter Pantz (Peed her pants)
Phil A. Delphia (Philadelphia)
Phil Atio (Fellatio)
Phil DeGrave (Fill the grave)
Phil Down (Feel Down)
Phil McCracken (Fill My Crack In)
Phil Myez (Feel My Ass)
Phil Mypockets (Fill my pockets)
Phillip McCrevice (Fill up my Crevice)
Phyllis Schlong (Feel his Shlong)
Polly Esther Pantts (Polyester Slacks)
Poppa Woody (Pop A Woody)
Pussy Galore (Well...What the hell do you think it means?!)
Quimby Ingmeen (Quit Being Mean)
Quint S. Henschel (Quintessential)
Quinton Chingme (Quit Touching Me)
Quinton Plates (Contemplates)
Rachel DeScrimination (Racial Descrimination)
Ray N. Carnation (Reincarnation)
Ray Pugh (Rape You)
Renee Sance (Renaisance)
Rick Kleiner (Recliner)
Rick O'Shea (Ricochet)
Rip Tile (Reptile)
Rita Book (Read a Book)
Robin D.Craydle (Robbing the Cradle)
Robin Banks (Robbing Banks)
Robin Meeblind (Robbing Me Blind)
Ron A. Muck (Run Amuck)
Ruben Mycock (Rubbing My Cock)
Russell Ingleaves (Rustling Leaves)
Sadie Word (Say the Word)
Sal Ami (Salami)
Sal Sage (Sausage)
Sal T. Penuz (Salty Penis or Peanuts)
Sam Manilla (Salmonella)
Sam Pull (Sample)
Sam Dayoulpay (Some day you'll pay)
Sam Urai (Samurai)
Samson Night (Samsonite)
Sarah Doctorinthehouse (Is There a Doctor in the House)
Scott Shawn DeRocks (Scotch on the Rocks)
Seaman Sample (Semen Sample)
Seymour Butts (See more butts)
Sheeza Freak (She's a Freak)
Sheri Cola (Cherry Cola)
Sherman Wadd Evver (Sure Man, Whatever)
Shirley Knot (Surely not?)
Shirley U. Jest (Surely You Jest)
Sid Down (Sit Down)
Sir Fin Waves (Surfin' Waves)
Stacey Rhect (Stays Erect)
Stan Dup (Stand up)
Stu Padasso (Stupid *******)
Stu Pitt (Stupid)
Sue Case (Suitcase)
Sue E. Side (Suicide)
Sue Permann (Superman)
Sue Shi (Sushi)
Sue Ridge (Sewage)
Sue Yourazzof (Sue Your Ass Off)
Tanya Hyde (Tan Your Hide)
Tara Newhall (Tear a New Hole)
Tate Urchips (Tater Chips)
Ted E. Baer (Teddy Bear)
Telly Vision (Television)
Teresa Green (Trees are Green)
Tess Tickle (Testicle)
Tim Burr (Timber)
Tina See (Tennessee)
Titus Balsac (Tightest Ball Sack)
Torah Hyman (Tore a Hymen)
Ty Tannick (Titanic)
Ty Tass (Tight Ass)
Tyrone Shoes (Tie Your Own Shoes)
Ulee Daway (You Lead the Way)
U.P. Freehly (You Pee Freely)
Val Crow (Velcro)
Val Lay (Valet)
Val Veeta (Velveeta)
Vlad Tire (Flat Tire)
Walter Melon (Watermelon)
Warren Piece (War and Peace)
Wayne Deer (Reindeer)
Wayne Kerr (Wanker)
Willie Maykit (Will He Make It?)
Wilma Leggrowbach (Will My Leg Grow Back?)
Winnie Bago (Winnebago)
Winnie Dipoo (Winnie the Pooh)
Woody U. No (What Do You Know?)
Xavier Breath (Save Your Breath)
Xavier Money (Save Your Money)
Yerma Wildo (Your Mom Will Do)
Yousuckmynuts N. Scratchm (You Suck My Nuts and Scratch Them)
Yule B. Sari (You'll Be Sorry)
Zeke N. Yeshallfind (Seek and You Shall Find)
Zelda Kowz (Sell the Cows)
Zoltan Pepper (Salt and Pepper)

Phantom Blooper

07-27-03, 07:39 AM

An older man is 75 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,"Pick me up."He looked around and could not see anyone. He thought he was dreaming,when he heard the voice again ,"Pick me up." He looked in the water,and floating on the top was a frog.The man said,"Are you talking to me?"The frog said,"Yes I'm talking to you,pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and I will give you the most wonderful sexual pleasures you have ever dreamed of." He looked at the frog for a short time and reached over carefully,and put it in his front breast shirt pocket. The frog said,"What are you -NUTS?Didn't you hear what I said? Kiss me and I'll give you sexual pleasures like you never had."The old man opened up his pocket and looked at the frog and said, "At my age I'd rather have a talking frog.":)

thedrifter

07-28-03, 07:01 AM

Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them...

Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus.

Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.

She Who MUST be obeyed

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.

I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

I love my cat. My cat does not care.

If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.

Only in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it’s all about?

Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.

Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

No one pays attention until you make a mistake.

Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.

If I save time, when do I get it back?

A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Are you sure I’m (age)? I want a recount!

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Born free. Taxed to death.

If “pro” is the opposite of “con,” is progress the opposite of congress?

All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often.

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine!

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Life is too short. Don't be a jerk.

Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...?

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Women have PMS. Men have ESPN.

Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.

Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich.

Who do you want to talk to: 1) the man is charge or 2) the woman who really knows what’s going on?

If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I’m living in the pits!

Barney sucks.

continued......

thedrifter

07-28-03, 07:01 AM

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I’m not going.

If you scratch your rear, don’t bite your fingernails.

Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money.

If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in basement.

Fart in church, and you’ll sit in own pew.

Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.

It’s not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It’s the jerks.

I don’t know what I want, but I do know I don’t have it.

People who give back their ill-gotten gains are reformed crocks. People who keep most of the loot and only give back a little are philanthropists.

Once you’ve climbed the ladder of success, you’re over the hill.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.

Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do.

Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. .

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of the dog, it’s too dark to read.

I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

The screw up fairy has visited us again.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a care.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade my job for what's behind door #1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain)

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.

Constant change is here to stay.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Don’t be old until you have lived!

Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today’s good stuff.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.

Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!

Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

thedrifter

07-28-03, 07:02 AM

Funny Signs

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Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On maternity room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

At an optometrists office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

On the door of a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counselors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

thedrifter

07-28-03, 07:02 AM

Fun In The Mall

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.

Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...

...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food".

Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.

Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"

Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

Wear pancake makeup and new clothes, pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

Test mattresses in your pajamas.

Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

Sprint up the down escalator.

Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".

Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."

Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

Play the tuba for change.

Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".

Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".

Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw".

"Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"

Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

"Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.

Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.

If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.

Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."

Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back premed.

Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

thedrifter

07-28-03, 07:03 AM

30 fun things to do when driving...

1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.

3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

13. Sing without having the radio on.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. While stopped at a light, **** out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

23. Paint your car with occult symbols.

24. Keep at least five cats in the car.

25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.

26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.

27. Stop and collect road kill.

28. Stop and pray to road kill.

29. Throw Spam.

30. Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

thedrifter

07-28-03, 07:04 AM

As we "celebrate" the first 25 years of Microsoft, we take a look ahead at what the future holds for the next 25 years at Microsoft...

2001 .NET system goes online, human decisions are removed from the office environment.

2001 2:14am, August 29th, .NET become self-aware, corporations try to pull the plug but it's too late, .NET strikes back.

2002 Internet Explorer 6.0 for Windows released.

2004 Supreme Court rules to break up Microsoft.

2005 President Gates disbands Supreme Court, orders break up of Sun Microsystems, IBM and Oracle.

2006 Windows 2004 released.

2007 Microsoft purchases Napster-Disney-Cisco-Coke-Ford-Avis to compete with Oracle-AOL-3Com-Pepsi-GM-Hertz and GE.

2008 Windows NT 4.0 Service Pack 84 released.

2009 Gates' second term as President begins.

2010 Microsoft Office surpasses the 18 Terabyte mark.

2012 Windows 2010 Service Pack 1 released.

2013 Windows 2010 released.

2015 Microsoft releases Internet Explorer 6.0 for Apple Macintosh.

2016 Microsoft enhances their only innovation by introducing the "Red Screen of Death."

2020 Bill Gates purchases Linus Torvalds.

2021 Researchers develop first crash-proof operating system, then destroy it. They are just that evil.

2024 Microsoft genetic engineers realize Bill Gates' childhood dream and develop the first talking rabbit.

2025 A reunited Backstreet Boys perform at the 50th anniversary of the founding of Microsoft.

thedrifter

07-28-03, 07:04 AM

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS
FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bull****.

thedrifter

07-28-03, 07:04 AM

Gamblers Revenge

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

thedrifter

07-28-03, 07:05 AM

The following exam was administered to gangsters as their version of the SAT, this version is known as the official GAT (Gangsta Aptitude Tess)...

1) You just robbed som jack mo fo with $20 in his wallet. You can buy:

A. A dime and two 40's
B. A new pair of Fila's
C. Dashikki down the block
D. Yo mama

2) It's tha end of da monf again and da man is on your jack for da rent. You:

A. Bust a cap in his ass
B. Say, "**** man, why you all up in ma bidness?"
C. Have anuther kid on welfare
D. Yo mama

3) You and ya holmes are banging down da block when yall scam da uther mo fo's commin your way. If ya both jaking your hydros, and both yall draw yur gats, which of da following happens:

A. **** goes down in da hood
B. Ya check yur colours and let the cop-killers fly
C. **** man, I do'no maff
D. Yo mama

4) You drink haff a 40. How much is left:

A. Haff
B. Da uther haff
C. Zum mo
D. Bout enuff to jak yo mama

5) You, beein da **** you are, dress yo self in da morn in which of deese:

A. Yo Tek 9 with da Raiders hat
B. Da AK47 with yo Fila's

6) Tiz yo 21st birfday. You:

A. Hook up with Dashikki down the block and treat her to MceeDees
B. Treat yo self to crack, ice cream, and 40's
C. Gaffle da man
D. I do'no maff

JOG-MAFEE

7) Wher iz da mutherland at:

A. Afrika
B. Mehico
C. Compton
D. Souff Centra
E. Yo mama

8) What am da capita of California?

A. Da Hood
B. Compton
C. Compton
D. Compton

ANALAMA-G'S

9) Tek 9 : Gatt :

A. Yo mama : Dashikki
B. Fila's : Nike
C. Tu pac : Barry White
D. St. Ive's : Colt 45

10) Malt Liquor : Da Chronic :

A. Da Man : Da Systum
B. ReeRun : MC Hammer
C. Fat Albert : Shaft
D. Yo mama : Dashikki

NOW LOOKIE HERE FOO. I GOTS TO AXE YOU AN EXXAY QUEXTIUN: IN 25 WURDS MO O LESS, TELL UZ ME WHO AM DA MAN?

So dat we may give uh you yo cowrecked sco, sine yo tag here!

thedrifter

07-28-03, 07:21 AM

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

And you probably though this would be dirty

thedrifter

07-28-03, 07:22 AM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She
> > was a very good looking woman, and
> > determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so
> > she decided to place an ad in the newspaper
> > for a ranch hand.
> >
> > Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
> > thought long and hard about it, and when
> > no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it
would
> > be safer to have him around the house than
> > the drunk.
> >
> > He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a
> > lot about ranching. For weeks, the
> > two of them worked, and the ranch was going very well.
> >
> > Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done
> > a really good job and the ranch looks
> > great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired
hand
> > readily agreed and went into town one
> > Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two
> > o'clock and no hired
> > hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow
> > sitting by the
> > fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
> >
> > "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
> >
> > Trembling, he did as she directed.
> >
> > "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
> >
> > "Now take off my socks." He did.
> >
> > "Now take off my skirt." He did.
> >
> > "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was
told.
> >
> > "Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down
and
> > off.
> >
> > Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes
to
> > town again!"

thedrifter

07-28-03, 07:24 AM

from the year 2035...

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in
the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English
recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United
States crops and livestock.

A baby is conceived naturally . . . Scientists
stumped.

Authentic year-2000 "chad", sells at Sotheby's for
$4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Afghanistan,
Syria,and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will
take at least ten more years before radioactivity
decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now
be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has
banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight
loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven
inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest
version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation
is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers,
screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by
January 2036.

NamNuts

07-28-03, 03:33 PM

Phantom Blooper

07-29-03, 06:05 AM

Who the first person to look at a cow and say,"I'll think I'll squeeze these little dangly things here,and drink whatever comes out."....... Who was the first person to say,"See that chicken there.....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt?"..........Why do toasters have a setting that burns bread to a horrible char,which no decent human being would eat?.......Why is there a light in the fridge,but not in the freezer?......If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,why is there a song about him?......Can a hearse carrying a corpse,drive in the carpool lane?.......If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?........Why do people point to their wrist when asking what time it is,but not at their crotch when asking where the bathroom is?......Why does a doctor leave the room,when you are asked to get undressed,if they are going to look at you anyway?......Why does Goofy stand erect,and Pluto is on all fours?They are both dogs....What do you call male ballerinas?..... Can blind people see in their dreams? Do they dream??.......If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that crap from ACME,why didn't he just buy dinner?.......If quizzes are quizzical,what are tests?........If corn oil is made from corn,and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,what is baby oil made from?.......If electricity comes from electrons,does morality come from morons?.........Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?......Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?........Stop Singing and Read Some more......Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?.........Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the atmosphere,but call it a hemorroid when it's in your a$$?.........Did you ever notice when you blow in your dogs face, he gets mad at you,but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?.......Does pushing an elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?......ARE YOU WONDERING WHY I POSTED THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE?...........:banana:

thedrifter

07-29-03, 06:28 AM

Gender Designation

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In French, for example, this determines whether you use “la” or “le in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few of our recommendations...

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider … it gives a man pleasure. He'd be lost without it. Lastly while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

thedrifter

07-29-03, 06:29 AM

Gender Poetry

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't ***** to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and
when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all *****y every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

thedrifter

07-29-03, 06:31 AM

Girlfriend Report

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well it's been 29 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?

A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new
or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be
determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

Your age Used or New

1 - 12 Years (See note A)
13 - 16 Years New
17 - 21 Years Used, but not used up
22 - 35 Years Used, heavily
36 - 60 Years New, (See note B)
60+ (See note A)

A. Seek psychiatric help
B. Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be
old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the
other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems
worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than
average mileage (2.1 SO's / yr). Much greater than the average may be an
indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

Accessories

Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be
loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as
large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal
to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or
the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should
make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride

When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual
begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if
dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or
I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap
you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once
on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two
questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the
detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she
remain cool?

Ordering vs. On The Lot

Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,
however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU
questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology

Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed
at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom,
kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding
the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product
according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.

Results

Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each
category, variation is not statistically significant.

Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the
options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points
of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you
mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical
hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an
alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has
most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size
or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment.
Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.
Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and
suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your
long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be
caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.

Yeah, Her: The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a
girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful
or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!

thedrifter

07-29-03, 06:31 AM

Why God never received tenure at any university...

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

thedrifter

07-29-03, 06:32 AM

God's Leftovers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork!! He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be sooooo cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee ).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...........well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

thedrifter

07-29-03, 06:33 AM

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE ANSWER TO A FEMALE SAYING "WHAT'S WRONG?".....

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!!!

thedrifter

07-29-03, 06:34 AM

Reasons you won't win the local annual Halloween costume contest...

After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.

Your "Ally McBeal" barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.

The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.

"Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that??"

Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that big at the Quayle house.

Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your "Road Kill Barney" costume.

Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President's semen.

Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip" costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.

You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.

In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet -- and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?

Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.

Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.

The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass, not the other way around.

Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than scary.

Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party - four times.

Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your "Diggler" is stuck in the car door.

Your beret falls off every time you kneel.

Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check. Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer"? Check.
Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!

No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.

This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.

Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.

The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product" costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.

The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.

*Nobody* likes a farting clown.

thedrifter

07-29-03, 06:35 AM

Most of these Halloween jokes are real groaners (get it, Halloween.... GROANERS hahahaha hehehe uhhh yeah) anyway...

Q. Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
A. Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!!!

Q. Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A. It's good for the bones.

Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Why don't skeletons like parties?
A. They have no body to dance with.

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They're good at keeping things under wraps.

Q. Why do vampires drink blood?
A. Because coffee keeps them awake all day!

Q. Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
A. Because he's a pain in the neck!

Q. Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A. Because he was coffin.

Q. Why did the ghost go to the doctor?
A. To get his boo-ster shot?

Q. Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A. Because people are dying to get in.

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. Where does Dracula water ski?
A. On Lake Erie

Q. Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
A. At the blood bank.

Q. When does a ghost need a license?
A. During "haunting" season.

Q. What's a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geist.

Q. What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
A. Spelling

Q. What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A. A dead ringer.

Q. What do little ghosts drink?
A. Evaporated milk.

Q. What type of coffee do vampires prefer?
A. Decoffinated!

Q. What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
A. Five after one.

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice Scream

Q. What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A. A blood vessel

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A. Don't spook until your spooken to.

Q. What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
A. "You are driving me batty."

Q. What did the monster eat after the dentist pulled his tooth?
A. The dentist!

Q. What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
A. Handburgers.

Q. What do spooks call their Navy?
A. The ghost guard.

Q. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A. Squash

Q. Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
A. Because people are dying to get in.

Q. Why do witches think they're funny?
A. Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

Q. Why did the tiny ghost join the football squad?
A. He had heard that they needed a little team spirit !

Q. Why don't skeletons like to eat spicy food?
A. They can't stomach it!

Phantom Blooper

07-29-03, 03:12 PM

Pfizer Corporation is making the annoucement today that "VIAGRA" will soon be available in a liquid form and be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable "as is" or as a mixer.Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one." Obviously we can no longer call this a "soft drink." This additive gives new meaning the names of highballs,cocktails and just a good old fashioned stiff drink Pepsi will market the new concoction as "Mount and Do."

thedrifter

07-30-03, 06:07 AM

Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **

Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.

thedrifter

07-30-03, 06:08 AM

Hear About The...

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Hey, did you hear about the...

Paper company that folded?

Brake company on the skids?

Bra manufacturers that went bust?

Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?

Cigarette company that went up in smoke?

Baker who was short of dough?

Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?

Corset firm that felt the squeeze?

Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?

Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?

Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?

Downfall of the bungee suppliers?

The train company that went off the rails?

The ship building company that sunk?

The dental practice that was rotten to it's roots?

thedrifter

07-30-03, 06:10 AM

Help Line Loser

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If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

thedrifter

07-30-03, 06:11 AM

Him And Her

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A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

thedrifter

07-30-03, 06:12 AM

Just goes to show how differently men and women look at things...

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant
and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Leafs lost. At least I got laid.

thedrifter

07-30-03, 06:13 AM

Horror Movie Survival

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If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.

Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.

When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there!

If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.

Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.

Don't look under the bed.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.

If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?"

If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.

If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.

Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."

It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.)

When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone. The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape.

Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.

If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.

If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.

As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.

If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.

If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, Don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore.

If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.

Do not accept/take anything from the dead.

If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.

If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.

If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a damn good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't play with ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.

If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately.

Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing.

Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.

If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out.

Never put your back to or lean on a door.

Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.

Never speak to clowns in sewers.

Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are really supernatural beings.

If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now in front of you.

If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.

Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.

Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock.

Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators.
If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark, african game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."

If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.

If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth.

If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.

thedrifter

07-30-03, 06:14 AM

Answering machine at the Mental Hospital...

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ...

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

thedrifter

07-30-03, 06:15 AM

Translations

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We all know how misleading the description of hotels and motels can be. So we put together a translation table to help you out... So when you see one of the phrases listed on the left, you will know what it really means by reading the translation on the right!

Old world charm ................................. No bath

Tropical ............................................. Rainy

Majestic setting ................................. A long way from town

Options galore ................................... Nothing is included in the itinerary

Secluded hideaway ............................ Impossible to find or get to

Pre-registered rooms .......................... Already occupied

Explore on your own ........................... Pay for it yourself

Knowledgeable trip hosts .................... They've flown in an airplane before

No extra fees ..................................... No extras

Nominal fee ....................................... Outrageous charge

Standard ........................................... Sub-standard

Deluxe .............................................. Standard

Superior ............................................ One free shower cap

Cozy ................................................. Small

All the amenities ................................ Two free shower caps

Plush ................................................ Top and bottom sheets

Gentle breezes .................................. Occasional Gale-force winds

Light and airy ..................................... No air conditioning

Picturesque ....................................... Theme park nearby

Open bar ........................................... Free ice cubes

Concierge ....................................... Stand with tourist brochures

Continental breakfast ..................... Free muffin

thedrifter

07-31-03, 06:29 AM

How Cold Is It?

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Its amazing what effect temperature has on things...

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe).

50 Miami residents turn on the heat.

40 You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.

35 Italian cars don't start.

32 Water freezes.

30 You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on T-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. British cars don't start.

25 Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.

20 You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further south.

15 French cars don't start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

10 Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.

5 You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start.

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts. Too cold to skate.

-10 German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.

-25 Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 You plan a two week hot bath. The Mighty Monongahela freezes. Swedish cars don't start.

-40 Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50 Congressional hot air freeze Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 Hell freezes over Polar bears move south.

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

thedrifter

07-31-03, 06:31 AM

How They Have Sex

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ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

thedrifter

07-31-03, 06:32 AM

Hunting Dog

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A guy decides he wants to learn how to hunt. Needing a good hunting dog, he visits a farmer who has been advertising hounds in the newspaper. The farmer shows him several dogs, but the guy doesn't like them. Then he spots one hound that the farmer hasn't shown him. The guys asks, "What about that one?" "Oh, no," the farmer replies. "That one's my special dog." "What's so special about him?" "Let me show you."

The farmer leads the guy and the dog to a field, lifts up one of the dog's ears, and orders, "Go find the birds!" The dog charges to a nearby bush, points and barks once. "That means there's one bird in that bush," says the farmer. "No way!" exclaims the guy. The farmer takes a stick and pokes the bush, and a huge pheasant flies out.

To further convince the guy, the farmer again lifts the dog's ear and repeats, "Go find the birds!" This time the dog streaks off to another bush, points, and barks twice. "That means there's two birds in there," says the farmer,
taking his stick and poking at the bush. Two huge pheasants pop out and fly away.

"I've gotta have that dog!" says the man. "Well, okay," replies the farmer. "But it's gonna cost you a bundle." The guy forks over the bucks and takes the dog.

A month later, the farmer has to go to the city, and decides to visit the guy who bough his prize hound. When he asked the guy about the dog, the man replies, "A couple of buddies and I went hunting, and when we got to a field the damnedest thing happened. I went up to the dog, lifted one of his ears, and said 'Go find the birds.' The dog
took off like a bat outta hell and ran into the field, barking and running around like crazy. Then he jumped on my leg and started humping it like I was a ***** in heat. After that, he grabbed a stick and started shaking it violently at me! I thought he'd gone nuts for sure, or maybe had rabies or something. So I shot the ****er."

"You blithering idiot!" yelled the farmer. "He was just telling you that there's more ****in' birds out there than you could shake a stick at!"

thedrifter

07-31-03, 06:33 AM

Husband Program

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Tech Support,

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely,
XXX

Dear XXX,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

Follow-up mail from tech support:

Dear XXX,

Your Husband 1.0 has been infected with the Mistress 2.1 virus. Try
Divorce 3.5 to remove present headaches.

Tech support

thedrifter

07-31-03, 06:34 AM

Idiots Everywhere

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IDIOTS AT WORK...
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS...
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD...
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE...
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce. "He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOTS IN THE NEWS...
Buffalo Channel 4 News on October 20th,1999 informed its captivated audience that when selling their computer, the best way to erase the files on your computers hard drive is by drilling a hole in the drive its self! "By drilling a hole in the drive its self, you make it impossible for the new owner to get your files." No ****ing kidding, idiot!

IDIOT SIGHTINGS...
Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? "He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #4: I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open." Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."

Sighting #6: I work in a hospital and one day the doctor and I were asking a pregnant lady some questions upon admission to the maternity ward. When we asked her who we should call in case of an emergency, she stated "911".

Sighting #7: My daughter was going over to the neighbors house to visit but didn't want to miss a call from her boyfriend so she took the cordless phone with her. While at the neighbors she wanted to check back at home to see if her younger brother was okay. My daughter then picked up the neighbors phone and dialed our number. While waiting for someone to answer the phone at home, the phone she brought over with her began to ring. She immediately hung up the neighbors phone and answered our phone. There was no one there. She wanted to know who it was who called so she used our phone to call our house. The line was busy. Getting very frustrated she left the neighbors to go home and see who was on the phone. No one was on the phone. My daughter could not figure out what was going on until someone explained it to her.

Sighting #8: As systems manager of an answering service a few years back I had the pleasure of working with an especially ignorant doctor. Our system was trying to fax her messages to her place of business when a message came back informing us her fax was out of paper. When I called her office and told her about this she replied, "Oh, I'm all out of bond paper. Could you fax me some?" I'm right ****in' on it, Babe.

Sighting #9: I was in McDonalds one time when the lady in front of me ordered a cheeseburger and requested no cheese. Now I don't know about you but that sounds like a ****ing hamburger to me.

Sighting #10: Many years ago I worked in a delicatessen. The assistant manager had burnt something in the oven and smoke was pouring from the kitchen area. When the store manager came by and asked why she hadn't opened the emergency fire exit door to allow the smoke to go outside she said, "I thought about it but I couldn't find the key!"

Sighting #11: I was sitting at my University bar with some friends the other day when we overheard a man talking on his mobile phone. He was saying that he wanted to "buy, buy, buy" some shares and "sell, sell, sell" some shares. Unfortunately for him, his mobile phone actually began to ring!!! The laughter in the bar was heard for miles!! Now that's what I call an IDIOT!

Sighting #12: A friend of mine and I were on a little road trip with his wife driving. Everything was pretty quiet when she turned to us and asked, "If you are driving 70mph, about how far would you go in an hour?" Oh yeah, she's a smart one.

Sighting #13: Calling the telecommunication company to inform them my phone didn't work and that when I picked up the receiver its completely dead, the technician said from the other end "Are you calling from the number of the phone that does not work?"

thedrifter

07-31-03, 06:35 AM

Sayings you'd like to see on those office inspirational posters...

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!

We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

It's only unethical if you get caught.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

Work harder slaves!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If you can read this, you're not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile, it makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

Succeed in spite of management.

Work - it isn't just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

thedrifter

07-31-03, 06:35 AM

There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"

Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

Your dog has its own home page.

So does your gold fish.

thedrifter

07-31-03, 06:36 AM

Kid in the Dark

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This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.

So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT **** again..."

thedrifter

07-31-03, 06:58 AM

sent to me by Phantom Blooper...........

A Thought

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you,
I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I
can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night,
and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in
me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any
reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...

(scroll down)

> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > .....****ing mosquito.

Phantom Blooper

07-31-03, 04:22 PM

An elderly woman went in to the doctor's office. When the doctor asked her why she was there she replied, "I would like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback the doctor thought for a moment and said,"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"The woman responded,"They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?" The woman said,"I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Phantom Blooper

07-31-03, 07:57 PM

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in an informs the man that his son was born without torso,arms,or legs.The son is just a head!But the dad loves his son ,and raises him as well as he can with love and compassion.After 21 years the son is ready for his first drink.His dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son how proud he is of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. POOF! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent,then breaks into a whoop of joy. The father shocked,begged his son to drink again.The patrons chant,"Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.POOF! Two arms pop out!The bar goes wild.The father, crying and wailing,begs his son to drink again.The patrons chant,"Take another drink!"The bartender ignores the whole affair.By now the boy is getting tipsy,and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.POOF! Two legs pop out! The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs,stumbles to the left... and then to the right.....right through the front door,into the street,where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.The bar falls silent.The father moans in grief.The bartender sighs,and says,".................................................. .."He should have quit while he was a head!"

thedrifter

08-01-03, 06:29 AM

Murphy's laws of combat operations...

1. Friendly fire - isn't.

2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.

3. Suppressive fires - won't.

4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.

9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready; when you're not.

16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.

19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

22. The easy way is always mined.

23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

28. Incoming fire has the right of way.

29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.

32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. (Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)

36. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

37. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

38. Tracers work both ways.

39. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

40. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

41. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

46. Weather ain't neutral.

47. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

48. Air defence motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

49. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

50. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

51. Napalm is an area support weapon.

52. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

53. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

54. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

55. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

56. The one item you need is always in short supply.

57. Interchangeable parts aren't.

58. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

59. When in doubt, empty your magazine.

60. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

61. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

62. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

63. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

64. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

65. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

66. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.

67. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

68. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

69. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.

70. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

71. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the
weapon's operator.

73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after y u need it.

74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.

76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)

77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.

79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.

83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.

84. When you have sufficient supplies ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.

85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honour.

86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

87. Murphy was a grunt.

88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.

90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.

91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.

92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.

93. The crucial round is a dud.

94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.

95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.

96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.

98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.

99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.

100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.

101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.

103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).

104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.

106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.

107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.

108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.

109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.

111. Walking point = sniper bait.

112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.

113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.

114. All or any of the above combined.

thedrifter

08-01-03, 06:30 AM

Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies...

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

thedrifter

08-01-03, 06:30 AM

Legendary Proverbs

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

thedrifter

08-01-03, 06:31 AM

Lessons I've learned...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just *******s.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more ****ed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the
local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "**** 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

thedrifter

08-01-03, 06:32 AM

Lifetime Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What is that, a bonus? I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for High School. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Retirement

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.

Time was when, of its own accords, from my trousers it would spring.

but now I have a full time job, just to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.

But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with one exception, his penis. He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using a cane and upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world!!!"

The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady said, "Look at that........
When I was 20............... I was curious about it.
When I was 30............... I enjoyed it.
When I was 40............... I asked for it.
When I was 50............... I paid for it.
When I was 60............... I prayed for it.
When I was 70............... I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing wild and I am to old to squat!"

thedrifter

08-01-03, 06:33 AM

The pros and cons of living in a flood plain...

Pro - Fishing from a couch right in your living room.
Con - Your couch doesn't float.

Pro - The trip to the river just got shorter.
Con - Now you can't get away from it.

Pro - Driving boats through the neighbours' yards is cool.
Con - Dodging bullets for making waves in their kitchens.

Pro - Great time to wash your house's siding.
Con - Ring around the house.

Pro - Water-skiing in the street.
Con - Stop signs and cars are like land mines right under the surface.

Pro - Swim anywhere on hot days.
Con - Floating logs. Toilets can't flush and it's gotta go somewhere.

Pro - Sun-tanning on the roof is cool.
Con - Sleeping there sucks like an Electrolux.

Pro - Great way to meet new neighbours.
Con - Their junk keeps floating into your bedroom.

Pro - Washing dishes just got easier.
Con - All the grub is under water, too.

Pro - Good time to clean the gutters.
Con - Nothing else to do till the boat comes back.

Pro - Practice your diving skills.
Con - Breaking your neck on the top of the porch roof.

Pro - You can finally reach those dead branches.
Con - Gotta swim after the chain saw that's floating away.

Pro - You can finally slam dunk.
Con - You have to dive to the basket.

Pro - Finally meeting your e-mail friend, who floated over from the next county.
Con - She's forty years older, 200 pounds heavier, and a foot shorter than the picture she sent.

thedrifter

08-01-03, 06:33 AM

How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?

LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care

LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?

LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money

LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything

LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?

LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts

LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's

LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV

LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent

LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake

LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them

LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows

LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music

LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought

LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score

thedrifter

08-01-03, 06:34 AM

Some things that make you go hmmm....

1. Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?

2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

3. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?

4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

5. How do a fool and his money GET together?

6. Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?

7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?

8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a workstation?

9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

12. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

13. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

14. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

15. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

16. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

17. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

18. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?

19. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

20. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?

21. How come there aren't B batteries?

22. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?

23. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?

24. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?

25. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

26. How is it possible to have a civil war?

27. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

28. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

29. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

31. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

32. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?

33. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

34. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?

35. How do you throw away a garbage can?

36. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

37. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

38. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

39. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

40. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

41. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

42. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

43. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?

44. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

45. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

46. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

47. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

48. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?

49. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

50. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

thedrifter

08-01-03, 06:35 AM

What would it be like if men were put in charge of organizing weddings?

There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.

They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".

There would be "Tailgate Receptions".

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub, tavern or donut store.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her arse.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of b-b-q.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.

Invitations would read as follows...

Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain...
He's getting married. He either:
A) Knocked her up
B) Couldn't get a different roommate or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum...
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him. For the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium. On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza.
Oh yeah... BYOB!

thedrifter

08-01-03, 10:05 PM

The Swim Contest
>
>
> There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing
> only the breast-stroke, and the three women who entered the race were
a
> brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
> After approximately 14 hours, the Brunette staggered up on the
shore
> and was declared the fastest breast-stroker. About 40 minutes later,
the
> Redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.
> Nearly 4 hours after that, the Blonde finally came ashore and
> promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the
reporters
> asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I
don't
> want
> to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls
were
> using their arms."

fabboss

08-02-03, 09:05 PM

My wife and I get along just great, except that she's a
back-seat driver second to none. On my way home from
work one day, I heard my cell phone ring as I merged
onto a freeway bypass.

It was my wife. By chance, she had entered the bypass
right behind me. "Honey," she said, "your turn signal
is still on. And put on your lights; it's starting to rain."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jeff Foxworthy once said that sophisticated people
have mutual funds and rednecks have the lottery. I
have both, does this make me a sophisticated redneck?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the
wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything
checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the
wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when
they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to
try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said,
"When you can read this, come back and see me."

thedrifter

08-02-03, 09:05 PM

Being a man definitely has its perks...

1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a hoot if no one notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

36. Christmas shopping can be done for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes.

37. The world is your urinal.

thedrifter

08-02-03, 09:06 PM

Is...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]

Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.

It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.

Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.

Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....

Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.

Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.

Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better for a while!"

thedrifter

08-02-03, 09:08 PM

Meeting Bingo

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Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Monotone voices burbling on and on like a creek for hours on end, forcing you to look for the nearest sharp object or length of wire to end it all. Here's a way to change all of that...

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

synergy

strategic fit

core competencies

best practice

bottom line

revisit

take that off-line

24/7

out of the loop

benchmark

value-added

proactive

win-win

think outside the box

fast track

result-driven

empower

knowledge base

solution

touch base

mindset

client focus

paradigm

game plan

leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULL****!"

thedrifter

08-02-03, 09:09 PM

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
And the number one reason dogs fall short...
It's fun to dry off a wet man !!!!!!!! (If you're a woman that is !!!)

thedrifter

08-02-03, 09:10 PM

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs can't talk. Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE

Both look stupid in hats.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have "hip" problems.

Neither understand football.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

Neither believe that silence is golden.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Neither can balance a check book.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

Both put too much value on kissing.

HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Women look good in sweaters.

Women leave the room to fart.

Though they only have two, women's breasts are far more interesting.

thedrifter

08-02-03, 09:11 PM

MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

fabboss

08-02-03, 09:12 PM

women's quote's

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ...and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton-

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see smart woman with a dumb guy.
-Erica Jong-

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner-

4. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman-

5. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck-

6. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton-

7. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-

8. I think-therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead-

9. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-

10. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-

11. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner-

12. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-

13. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinhem-

14. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli-

15. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill

16. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee-

17. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

fabboss

08-02-03, 09:16 PM

Ultimate Fantasy

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking; the other, cleaning.

fabboss

08-02-03, 09:28 PM

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

fabboss

08-02-03, 09:35 PM

A principal of a small middle school in Beaverton, Oregon had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

fabboss

08-02-03, 09:38 PM

Do You Have Enough Fun In Your Life

(1) Have you ever walked barefoot in the snow? (10pts)
(2) Have you ever gone skinny dipping? (8pts)
(3) Have you ever eaten a whole box or cookies or 1/2 gallon of ice cream? (4pts)
(4) Have you ever stayed up all night talking to a friend? (2pts)
(5) Have you ever gone out for a midnight stroll? (8pts)
(6) Have you ever eaten a flower to find out the taste? (10pts)
(7) Have you ever given someone a present just because? (8pts)
(8) Have you ever written someone a poem? (4pts)
(9) Have you ever gone into a photo booth and made silly faces with a friend (4pts)
(10) Have you ever left a really big tip because you were having a great day? (10pts)
(11) Have you ever paid the toll for a stranger? (2pts)
(12) Have you ever stopped to help a stranger in need? (10pts)
(13) Have you ever sat in an emergency room with a friend? (8pts)
14) Have you ever talked to a puppy or kitten? (4pts)
15) Have you ever tried to count the stars? (2pts)
16) Have you ever given someone a back rub because they had a bad day? (6pts)
17) Have you ever cooked dinner for a sick friends family? (6pts)
18) Have you ever driven someone to the airport? (2pts)
19) Then kissed them goodbye and cried? (4pts)
20) Have you ever served someone breakfast in bed? (2pts)
21) Have you ever laid in the snow and made a snow angel, since becoming an adult? (4pts)
22) Have you ever stopped your car to look at a rainbow or a sunset? (6pts)
23) Have you ever picked strawberries and ate so many you could barely move? (6pts)
24) Have you ever danced in public...like a park or the sidewalk? (4pts)
25) Have you ever slept out under the stars? (8pts)
26) Have you ever kissed a complete stranger...because you won something or just for fun? (10pts)
27) Have you ever cheered so loud for the home team that you lost your voice (4pts)
28) Have you ever baked fresh bread..not in a machine? (2pts)
29) Have you ever stayed in bed all day..and you were not sick? (6pts)
30) Have you ever had one full day of fun? :) (20pts)

Under 100 and you need to add some fun to your life
100-124 You need a bit more fun!!!
125- 154 You are having some fun now! Keep up the good work!
155-184 YOU are so much fun!!!!!

fabboss

08-02-03, 09:44 PM

the survey

A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man, "Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?".

"Well sir, I represent the Vaseline company to gather feedback on their products from consumers. Can you answer some questions?"
"Fire away young man", says the homeowner.

"Great, now what exactly do you use Vaseline for?" replies the survey-taker.
"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."

The man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward and in a low voice says "We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?"
"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on our bedroom doorknob. It keeps the kids out".

fabboss

08-02-03, 09:52 PM

SUNDAY MORNING
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, young lady named Spicy, all the way in the back, shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three of the handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

fabboss

08-02-03, 09:59 PM

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring
up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The
seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the
plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice barely broke the silence when he asked
quietly, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"

fabboss

08-02-03, 10:00 PM

FEELS LIKE HEAVEN

This 85 year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "what are the greens fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" This is heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

fabboss

08-02-03, 10:04 PM

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to
Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.
L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the
beautiful angels soaring around her, when low and behold, a man
approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upsetwhen I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here?

Did I really make it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word
first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia

fabboss

08-02-03, 10:07 PM

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was
the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked,
"What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your
wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that
she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the
month is up today!"

thedrifter

08-03-03, 08:37 AM

Neanderthal Test

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Test Yourself : Are you a Neanderthal?

1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? +5

2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? -5

3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, +3

4. How about a forehead? If not, +3

5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? +5

6. Do you ever open beer bottles with your teeth? +10

7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting in a chair? +5

8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, +1 for every five degrees of slope.

9. Less than five feet tall? +1 for every inch under.

10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm,+1 for every inch of difference.

11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.

12. Pigeon-toed? +5

13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're normal--no points.

14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an apple? +5

15. Do you regularly eat apples in this fashion? +15

16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? +10

17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat? +5

18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"? +3

Scoring

0-20 points: You are a virtually pure homosapien. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.

20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one will notice.

40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away.

60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a career in pro football.

80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no place for you in human society. A career in politics is recommended.

thedrifter

08-03-03, 08:37 AM

New Tax Laws

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The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is ****ed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2002, the penis will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $30.00 Which one would be your tax bracket?
8 - 10" Pole Tax $25.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $15.00
4 - 5" Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

thedrifter

08-03-03, 08:38 AM

These are cards you'll most likely never see on a Hallmark...

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:...
What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!....
Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....
have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love....
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life....
I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!....
I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,....
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married....
but not to you."

"You look great for your age....
Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me....
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time....
What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you....
It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday....
So we're having you put to sleep."

"Your kisses are sweet, your hugs are passionate....
But compared to your sister, they're only second rate."

thedrifter

08-03-03, 08:39 AM

Fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant...

"I finished the Oreo's."

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your *own* ice cream."

"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

"Got milk ?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

"Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!"

"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

thedrifter

08-03-03, 08:39 AM

Office Humor

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The longer you're part of the corporate work force, the more humorous this area becomes.

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

" ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if...

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

You worked for the same company for 4 years and sat at more than 10 different desks.

You've been in the same job for 4 years and have had 10 different managers.

You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you can't explain it in one sentence.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You use acronyms in your sentences.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

The word "opportunity" makes you shiver in fear.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

Art involves a white board.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only.

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you're freed up".

You read this entire list and understood it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on the American Male's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

thedrifter

08-03-03, 08:40 AM

Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with the elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this.

thedrifter

08-03-03, 08:41 AM

In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organizers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'Manchester' athletes.

100 METERS SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METERS HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences walls etc.)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of
Manchester.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

thedrifter

08-03-03, 08:41 AM

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

thedrifter

08-04-03, 06:47 AM

Oxymoron's

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Act naturally

Happily married

Microsoft Works

Holy war

Found missing

Resident alien

Minor Catastrophe

Affordable housing

Near miss

Great depression

Canadian army

Phone sex

United nations

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Death benefits

Airline Food

Women's rights

Good grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Sensitive man

Government organization

Everything except

Civil War

Good kid

Sanitary landfill

Alone together

Legally drunk

Silent scream

British fashion

Living dead

Small crowd

Business ethics

Soft rock

Butt Head

Military Intelligence

Software documentation

New York culture

New classic

Sweet sorrow

Childproof

"Now, then"

Synthetic natural gas

Christian Scientists

Passive aggressive

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Extinct Life

Temporary tax increase

New and improved

Computer jock

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Twelve-ounce pound cake

Diet ice cream

Rap music

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Religious tolerance

Freezer Burn

Honest Politician

Jumbo Shrimp

Loners Club

Postal Service

thedrifter

08-04-03, 06:48 AM

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

thedrifter

08-04-03, 06:48 AM

Perfect Couple

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

thedrifter

08-04-03, 06:49 AM

Phrase Translations

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man - Dum Gai

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone - No Pah King

Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright - Yu So Dum

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?

Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai

thedrifter

08-04-03, 06:50 AM

Physical Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman is in the hospital giving birth, and she's up on the stirrups. All of a sudden, the baby's head pops out and looks up at the nurse. "Are you my daddy?" asks the baby head. Shocked, the nurse replies concerned, "Uh, no, I'm not your dad, Ill run and go get him!". With this, the baby's head turns to the doctor and says, "Are you my daddy?". "My goodness no! But the nurse is going to get him, he will be here any minute." Finally, the father comes into the room and the baby sees him and says, "Are you my daddy?" To which the shocked father goes up close to the baby's head and says, "Yes, son, I'm your father."

<poke person in the head>

The baby pulls his hand out and pokes the father in the head and says, "Well then... STOP POKING ME IN THE HEAD!"

thedrifter

08-04-03, 06:50 AM

Picking Your Nose

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.

Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.

Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.

Depression Pick
When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.

Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.

Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom.
And the best part is, there's no time limit!

Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back
the smile.

Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....

Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.

Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

thedrifter

08-04-03, 06:51 AM

How to Please Your I.T. Department

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

thedrifter

08-04-03, 06:51 AM

How to talk about men and still be politically correct...

He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

thedrifter

08-04-03, 06:52 AM

Practice Safe Fax

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.

Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.

Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.

Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

thedrifter

08-04-03, 11:29 AM

A Little Florida Humor

Dear Diary:

April 30th

Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is
a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy
evenings. What a place!! Watched the sunset from a park, lying on
a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here!

May 14th

Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem. I live in an
air-conditioned home and drive in an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshiper.

June 5th

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE
SHOVELING SNOW EITHER!! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 1st

The temperature has not been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where
are those ocean breezes we heard about? Getting used to the heat will take
awhile, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to
remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in the car. Got one of
those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than burn ointment for my hands.
I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

July 15th

Fell asleep by the pool. I got 3rd degree burns all over my body! What a
dumb thing to do. Missed two days of work. Learned my lesson, though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th

I miss our cat Tabby. He snuck into the car this morning before I
left for work. By the time I got back to the car at lunch time, he'd
swollen up to the size of a basketball. And just as I opened the door,
he exploded all over $2000 worth of leather upholstery. The car now
smells like Kibbles and poop! No more pets in this heat!!

July 25th

Ocean breezes my ass!! Hot is HOT!! The A/C's on the fritz and the
repair guy charged $200 just to drive by and tell me it's broke and he
has to order parts before he can fix it. Only hope for a break in the
heat would be a hurricane.

July 30th

Been sleeping outside by the pool three nights now. Swatting the swamp
mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 house payments and I can't
even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th

100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed. It cost $500 and
gets the temperature down to about 90. WOOWEE!! The electric bill is
almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers ran me
off the road today. I hate this state!

Aug. 8th

If another wise guy says "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear
his head off. Friggin heat!! By the time I get to work, the radiator is
overheating, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!

Aug. 10th

The weather report might as well be a damn recording!! HOT AND SUNNY!!
It's been steaming hot for over two *@*&*# months and the weatherman says
it might really warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement,
"It may be hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from
heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this God-forsaken place??

Aug. 14th

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came
to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to use the
$1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug. 29th

Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains
finally came. All it did was make it muggier and drive the damned roaches
out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly!! The Lincoln is now
floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500 windshield. That does
it, we're moving back to NEW YORK!!! Where all you have to worry about
is getting mugged. I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba!!

thedrifter

08-04-03, 11:30 AM

O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy's hat."
The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?"
O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat."
The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my hat!"

marinemom

08-04-03, 07:51 PM

A blonde bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?""Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.The blond drove away happy, and for
the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said,"Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new
car, but she swerved in time to avoid him. "*******S!" she yelled..............Then the French National Anthem, sung
by the Dixie Chicks, began to play.

thedrifter

08-04-03, 08:28 PM

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't
serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals have cooked and are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet,
"let's
have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Why, because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are
5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad, or maybe my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Cha
Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he
couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are
too high.'

17. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't. I've cut off your arms."

18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your
kayak and heat it too.

thedrifter

08-04-03, 08:29 PM

Here is how to get past the Game Warden when you might have a few extra
fish.

A game-warden stopped a man with two buckets of fish leaving a
lake wellknown for its fishing, and demanded, "Do you have a license for
those fish?"

The man replied, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!"

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them
swim around for a while.
Then I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home."

"What a load of crap! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll
show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The warden watched as the man poured the fish
in to the lake.

After waiting several minutes, he turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?", the warden prompted.

"Call who back?", the man asked.

"The fish!!" replied the warden.

"What fish?"

thedrifter

08-04-03, 08:30 PM

HILLBILLY MIRROR

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky
all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time
to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks
in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How
about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he
remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.

So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before
leaving for the fields, he would go there and look
at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to
the barn. One day after her husband left, she
searched the barn and found the mirror. As she
looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the
ugly ***** he's runnin' around with."

thedrifter

08-05-03, 05:55 AM

thedrifter

08-05-03, 05:55 AM

thedrifter

08-05-03, 05:56 AM

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

thedrifter

08-05-03, 05:57 AM

This is a list of what all the advertising terms on products really mean...

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

LESS FATTENING - Now doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn't make it work long enough to ship it.

FAT FREE - You pay for the food, but the fat is free.

thedrifter

08-05-03, 05:57 AM

Professionals Test

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This quiz consists of four questions that tells you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.

4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it?

Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!

That completes the test!

This question tests your reasoning ability. So...

If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you're a true professional. Wealth awaits you.

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

If you answered one out of four, try selling your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as management, politics, law or medicine.

thedrifter

08-05-03, 05:58 AM

Proper Diskette Care instruction guide...

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes
before inserting them into the drive.

Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

thedrifter

08-05-03, 05:58 AM

Proxy Father

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!

thedrifter

08-05-03, 05:59 AM

Quick Jokes

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Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.

Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once were worriers.

Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.

Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!

Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.

Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.

Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport?
A. Football.

Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.

Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.

Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.

Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the ***** cook in the dark.

Q. What do you do if a bird ****s on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.

Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no ****ing eye deer.

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.

Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavours.

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!

Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!

Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.

Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

thedrifter

08-06-03, 07:24 AM

Really Annoy People

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are some ways to really annoy people big time...

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog".

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.

thedrifter

08-06-03, 07:25 AM

Things you can do with absolutely nothing...

Push your eyes for interesting light show:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things - is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?

See how long you can hold your breath:
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.

Try to not think about polar bears:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

Scratch yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?

Hurt yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.

Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").

Things you can do with very little:

See what's in your neighbor's trash:
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too.

Make prank phone calls:
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald's, try to make reservations.

Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and... AHHHHHH!!!!!

Burn things with a magnifying glass:
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.

Things you can do with another person:

Have a water drinking contest:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does this really work?

Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck:
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.

thedrifter

08-06-03, 07:25 AM

Great Reasons To Be A Guy...

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

thedrifter

08-06-03, 07:26 AM

Reasons To Be Single

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Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.

I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.

I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.

I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".

I'd be painting the town instead of the house.

When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.

I could show my girlfriend where I live.

I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.

The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.

I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.

I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!

I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.

I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.

You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!

Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.

Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.

I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.

I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.

I could use my own name at hotels.

I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.

When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!".

thedrifter

08-06-03, 07:26 AM

Restaurants Like Microsoft...

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Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support

Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

Waiter leaves.

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50
Access to Support $1.00
TOTAL $8.50 + tax

thedrifter

08-06-03, 07:27 AM

Riding A Dead Horse

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Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

thedrifter

08-06-03, 07:29 AM

Rules For Flight

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There is a lot pilots have to take into account when hulling your ass across the sky...

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

thedrifter

08-06-03, 08:59 PM

The Zipper

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up
to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a
bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is
open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was
that told him
about his "barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with
her.

When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open
did
you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady (being smarter than a man...of course) thought for a moment and
said,
"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two
duffel bags.

thedrifter

08-06-03, 09:13 PM

Stumpy Legged Pink Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”

The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

thedrifter

08-06-03, 09:23 PM

Adjacent Seats

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know ****?"

thedrifter

08-06-03, 09:25 PM

Baked Beans

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

thedrifter

08-06-03, 09:27 PM

You See That Indian?

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

thedrifter

08-06-03, 09:27 PM

Out in the Woods

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"

thedrifter

08-07-03, 07:00 AM

Rules For Men

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1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

thedrifter

08-07-03, 07:01 AM

Rules For Women

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This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...

(In response to the popular "A Woman's 50 Rules for Men")

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

18. Share the bathroom

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

28. Yes, ****ing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.

thedrifter

08-07-03, 07:02 AM

She was only a...

PLUMBER'S daughter but she sure gave my heart a wrench.

STABLEMAN'S daughter but she handled all the horse manure.

HACKER'S daughter but all her bits were in their proper arrays.

BUTCHER'S daughter but she could REALLY pack Salami!

GYNECOLOGIST'S daughter but she could sure play her vulva!

STOCKBROKER'S daughter but she could really ride the BULLS!

TAXI DRIVER'S daughter but she knew how to keep your meter running

ACCOUNTANT'S daughter but she sure knew how to keep her BOTTOM line profitable.

FARMER'S daughter but she knew her carrots from her carats!

FURRIER'S daughter but she knew how to produce minks!

PROGRAMMER'S daughter but she sure knew her 1's from her 0's!

SHEEP FARMER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

PREACHER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

FISHMONGER'S daughter she had crabs on her place, poor soul.

ELECTRICIAN'S daughter but she had all the right connections.

COAL MINER'S daughter but she had a mine of her own.

MARINE COLONEL'S daughter but she was rotten to the corps.

ARTIST'S daughter but she knew where to draw the line.

BUS DRIVER'S daughter but she knew where to get off.

ARCHITECT'S daughter but she knew all the angles.

FISHERMAN'S daughter but when she saw my rod she reeled.

MINISTER'S daughter but I wouldn't put anything pastor.

thedrifter

08-07-03, 07:03 AM

The Warning Signs of Insanity...

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

You collect dead windowsill flies.

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

You like cats. Especially with mayo.

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

Melba toast excites you.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.

You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.

You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

You like reading lists like this.

thedrifter

08-07-03, 07:03 AM

You know you're really broke when...

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

Your bologna has no first name.

You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

Sally Struther's sends you food.

McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

At communion you go back for seconds.

You wash your toilet paper.

You have to save up to be poor.

You're in college.

On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.

You owe yourself money.

You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.

Your imaginary friend has more money than you.

thedrifter

08-07-03, 07:04 AM

Sisters of Mercy

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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

thedrifter

08-07-03, 07:39 AM

Lifesavers
>>A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to
>>broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their
>>eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine
>>cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
>>
>>One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers,
>>more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like
>>you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher.
>>Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of
>>cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put
>>honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the
>>children was stumped.
>>
>>"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your
>>Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
>>Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his
>>mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're *******s!"

Phantom Blooper

08-07-03, 09:06 PM

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the opening of a small cave. "Woooo! Woooo!Woooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very carefully until he heard a "Woooo! Woooo! Woooo!" Then he tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the other Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler,Woooo!Woooo!Woooo!, into the opening. If they get an answer back,it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate." Just then they seen another cave. The Indian went up to it and hollered,"Woooo!Woooo! Woooo!" Immediatly there was a "Woooo!Woooo!Woooo!" back. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly walked around the woods alone for awhile,and then he came upon a great big cave.As he looked in amazement at the size of the opening he was thinking,"Hoo, man! Look at the size of the opening! It is bigger than the ones the Indians found. There must be some really big,fine woman in this cave!" So,he stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might,"Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation,then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOO!WOOOOOO!WOOOOOO!"With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face,he ran into the cave tearing off his clothes as he ran!The following day, the headline of the local paper read. "NAKED WEST VIRGINIA HILLBILLY,RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!":banana:

thedrifter

08-08-03, 06:14 AM

The ski season is finally here. This list of exercises will help you get ready...

- Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

- Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!

- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically
drop things.

- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

- Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!

- Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes.

- Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.

* Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you're ready for the real thing!

thedrifter

08-08-03, 06:15 AM

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

thedrifter

08-08-03, 06:16 AM

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

thedrifter

08-08-03, 06:16 AM

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.

"Um, yeah... so," the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

thedrifter

08-08-03, 06:17 AM

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

thedrifter

08-08-03, 06:17 AM

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.

When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid... when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"

thedrifter

08-08-03, 06:17 AM

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay to the left!" After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car - you
or your mother?"

thedrifter

08-08-03, 06:18 AM

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After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

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When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.

"Um, yeah... so," the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.

When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid... when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"

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A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay to the left!" After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car - you
or your mother?"

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An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

thedrifter

08-08-03, 06:19 AM

Diary of a Snow Shoveler...

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. ******* snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to ****. By the time I got undressed, ****ed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a ***** who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the ******* snowplow.

December 25 - Merry ****ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the god damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wondeful Life" one mor time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE ***** is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

thedrifter

08-08-03, 06:22 AM

It's strange, after being a user of computer software for a while, you begin to pick up on some disturbing similarities to a not so squeaky clean industry out there. Is this telling us something?

Drug Dealers
Refer to their clients as "users".

"The first one's free!"

Strange Jargon : "Stick", "Rock",
"Dime Bag", "E"

Realized that there's tons of cash
in the 14 to 25 year old market.

Job is assisted by the industries
producing newer, more potent mixes.

Often seen in the company of pimps
and hustlers.

Their product causes unhealthy
additions.

Do your job well, and you can sleep
with sexy movie stars who depend
on you.

Software Developers
Refer to their clients as "users".

"Download a free trail version..."

Strange Jargon : "SCSI", "RTFM",
"Java", "ISDN", "Pentium"

Realize that there's tons of cash
in the 14 to 25 year old market.

Job is assisted by industry's producing
newer, faster machines.

Often seen in the company of marketing
people and venture capitalists.

Doom, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem,
'nuff said!

Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

Phantom Blooper

08-08-03, 07:37 AM

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the female gorilla became very horny, and was difficult to handle.Upon examination the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.To make matters worse,there were no male gorillas of her species available.While reflecting on there problem,the park administrators noticed Ed,a part-time redneck intern,responsible for cleaning the animals cages.Ed,like most rednecks had little sense,but possesed ample ability to satisfy any female of any species.So the park administrators thought that they might have a solution.Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.The following day Ed said that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First" he said,"I ain't gonna kiss the gorilla.""Second," "You can't never tell anybody bout' this."The park administrators quickly agreed to this and asked Ed what the third condition was?Ed stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the 500 bucks.":)

thedrifter

08-09-03, 08:51 AM

This is a list of what state mottos should really be...

Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona:
Dehyd-rific!

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
(this was left blank--does this mean Delaware is too small to have a
motto?)

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Gateway to Iowa

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
Land of James T. Kirk

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota:
For Sale

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
*****s and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want a #$@%#!@ Motto? I Got Yer #$@%#!@ Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota:
Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio:
Don't Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma:
Like the Play...Only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
Se Hablo Ingles

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming:
Wynot?

thedrifter

08-09-03, 08:52 AM

Stuck On The Island

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An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How