Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

McDonald's Solilquy


Is this a burger which I see before me,
The soft bun in my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I eat thee not, and yet I want thee still.
Art thou not, gourmet's vision, sensible
To taste as to sight? or art thou but
A burger of the mind, a false dinner,
Proceeding from the meat-oppressed stomach?
I see thee yet, in form as palatable
As this cracker which now I chew.
Thou nourish'st me on the way that I was going,
And such condiments I was to use!
Mine mouth are made the fools o' the other senses,
The calories worth all the rest; I see thee still,
And on thy plate and Happy Meals of fat,
Which was not so before. There's no such food:
It is the bloody diet which informs
Thus to mine eyes. Now o'er the Weight Watchers
Tastebuds seem dead, and raw salads abuse
The growling bowels; famished celebrate
Jenny Craig's offerings, and wither'd hunger,
Alarum'd by his sentinel, the bathroom scale,
Laughs as it watches, thus with his mocking numbers.
With Hamburglar's ravishing strides, towards his goal
I move like a ghost. Thou warm and delicious beef,
Hear not my teeth, which way they chew, for fear
My very swallows prate of my gluttony,
And take the present mirror from the room,
When now suits do not fit. Whiles I starve, he lives:
Buffets to the heat of charbroiled chicken gives.
[A bell rings.]
I go, and it is done; the microwave bell invites me.
Hear it not, Tongue; for it is a knell
That summons thy mouth to heaven and thy body to hell.

[thedrifter]

Translation from English to corporate

Top executive of Big Construction Company:

Give me a brief summary of what is currently being done on the site.

Middle level manager:

Here... this fellow in the yellow hard hat is one of our employees, Paddy O'Hara, and talking to him is the foreman, Washington Smith. Mr. Smith requests that Mr. O'Hara take this long pipe and carry it to that corner of the site, motivating his request with the fact that Mr. O'Hara has been in intimate relationship with his own mother, whereas Mr. O'Hara refuses to carry the pipe, motivating his refusal with the fact that he is currently in intimate relationships with the pipe, with Mr. Smith, with the construction site, and with Big Construction Company.

[thedrifter]

Entrance Exam

SUBJ: College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version

Time Limit: 3 WKS

Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

[thedrifter]

A Blonde (male) joke I hadn't heard before.

Q: Why do blondes have bruises around their belly button?

A: Because there are blond guys, too.

[thedrifter]

Which Condom to Choose?


Which Condom would you use....


Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey--you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

[thedrifter]

The Art of Deception...It's Good to be a Marine



An Army Ranger Platoon was on patrol when the Lieutenant noticed a lone Marine standing on a hilltop in their area.



The Lieutenant told two of his soldiers to go take out the Marine, so they dropped their packs and promptly ran as fast as they could toward him.



Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The two soldiers followed.



For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air.



Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Rangers.



The infuriated Lieutenant called for a squad to go get the Marine. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward him. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill.



The Ranger Squad followed, and for the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying all over the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Rangers once again.



By now the Lieutenant was really hot. Determined that the Rangers were superior to one lone Marine, he ordered the rest of the Platoon to attack the Marine.



With blood in their eyes, the Platoon attacked the hill. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill.



The blood thirsty soldiers followed. For many minutes there were horrific screams and dust flying in the air. This went on for approximately twenty minutes. Finally, one lone soldier came crawling back to the Lieutenant, all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His uniform was torn, with cuts all over his body.



The Lieutenant asked for a report. The lone soldier, trying to catch his breath, replied in a forceful and trembling voice; Sir,...run,...it's a trick....



There's TWO of them!!"

[thedrifter]

Marines and sailors take a train

Three Marines and three sailors are traveling by train to a hockey game. At the station, the three navy men each buy tickets and watch as the three Marines buy only a single ticket. "How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a sailors. "Watch and you’ll see," answers a Marine. They all board the train. The sailors take their respective seats but all three Marines cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The sailors see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Marines on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Marines don’t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed navy men.

"Watch and you’ll see," answers a Marine. When they board the train the three Marines cram into a bathroom and the three sailors cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Marines leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the sailors are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

[thedrifter]

Priceless
This afternoon I decided to go to a local restaurant in uniform because I had to hurry back to assume Staff Duty. Arrogant and selfish are the words that came to mind as I noticed a Black Mercedes taking up two parking spaces at Boston Market restaurant.

After entering the restaurant, I noticed a gentlemen kept focusing on me. As I paid for my meal the gentlemen began to approach me. It did not take long for me to recognize him as none other that former heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe. He started a conversation with me asking the same questions you might expect from an curious, impressionable teenager; how long had I been in, my title, did I like the Marine Corps (you know the answer was a resounding yes). After shaking his hands and departing I could not help but feel that he was more impressed with me than I was with him. Upon passing by the Black Mercedes on my way out, I thought; "nice Mercedes"!

cost of chicken dinner with four sides: $9.20

cost of the Black Mercedes: more than $60,000.00

feeling of knowing not everyone can be a Marine: PRICELESS

[Phantom Blooper]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop,a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on the bus,she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the buses first step. So slightly embarrased and with a quick smile to the bus driver,she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step.So, a little more embarrased she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay,she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.So with a coy little smile to the driver,she again unzipped the skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time a big Texan was behind her in the line and easily picked her up around the waist and set her gently on the bus step. The young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be-hero,screeching at him,"How dare you touch my body,I don't even know who you are!" At this time the Texan drawed, "Well ma'am,normally I would agree with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times,I kind of figured that we was friends.":banana:

[thedrifter]

Some driving humor


The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)


Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
"Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too s--- faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a d---head all day long.

[thedrifter]

Classic tale retold

Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.

The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."

The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.

[thedrifter]

Bilingual Message

Where I work we have a policy of posting all notices in bilingual format, English and French.

The other day someone sent the following notice to all workers by e-mail:


************************************************** *********************
* English: Disregard the fire alarm today. Technicians are working on *
* the system and there will be a lot of audible tests. *
* *
* French: La meme chose.

[thedrifter]

Does Jordan make enough?


The following came through a long sequence of forwardings, but managed to retain an attribution: Kathy Dysert kdysert@pacific.net



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's something that came to my husband with some other information.

AND HERE IS SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:

Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he averages about 30 minutes a game.

Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see Independence Day, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Seinfeld.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 days.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.

He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student 5200 packages of Ramen.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run,

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.

And something to cheer you up after all of this... Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.

[thedrifter]

MIT Student & Harvard


There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

[thedrifter]

How to find the driver's state !!

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone in lap, brick on accelerator: California*

* with gun also in lap: L.A.

Both hands on top of wheel, one foot on brake, watching pedestrians cross against the light: San Francisco

One hand on the wheel, one hand drumming (with drum stick) on the dash board, Lap top on top of the Dashboard, left foot tapping, right foot on the accelerator, head bobbing from side to side: Silicon Valley, listening to KEZR

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in Boston.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

Both hands praying to Gates, knee on wheel, cradling cell phone in lap, foot on brake, mind on Win95 GUI: Seattle

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with New York plates.

[thedrifter]

Rejected State Mottos

ALABAMA: Literacy ain't everything
Ya want fries with dat?

ALASKA: Come, freeze your butt off

ARIZONA: Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds

ARKANSAS: At least we're not Mississippi

CALIFORNIA: The Granola State
Nobody's actually from here
Fast reloading lanes available
The really long state

COLORADO: Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here
Official home of the winter ski bunny

CONNECTICUT: Way too close to New York

DELAWARE: You'll need a map to find us
So close to Washington you can smell it

FLORIDA: The Gunshine State
Elephant Graveyard; where the old Republicans
go to die
Senior citizen discounts available
Come, enjoy the humidity
The snow capital of the US

GEORGIA: Home of the Rednecks
Gateway to Florida
Confederate money welcome

HAWAII: Sure, we've got Interstates... drive on over
Book 'em Danno
Tom Selik, Jack Lord, Don Ho - Paradise!
Come, get lai-ed

IDAHO: Ain't nothing here
We don't care if you spell potato with an "e"
Land of a billion "eyes"

ILLINOIS: Land of the voting dead
Gateway to Iowa

INDIANA: Home of David Letterman

IOWA: Just east of Omaha
It's easy to spell

KANSAS: Hayfever capital of the Midwest
Dole slept here
There's no place like home
Ya want flat, we got flat

KENTUCKY: Tobacco is a vegetable
We're all related
Gateway to Nashville

LOUISIANA: Swim the beautiful Bayou
Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will
never hurt you

MAINE: For Sale
You can spit on Canada from here

MARYLAND: If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us

MASSACHUSETTS: Home of the young girls from Nantucket,
also the home of Ted Kennedy, hmmmm...

MICHIGAN: Land of the free, home of the Buick

MINNESOTA: Not Sweden, but we try to act like it
Sure beats Canada

MISSISSIPPI: We're lucky we can spell it
Why would you want to come here?

MISSOURI: Gateway to Kansas
Here's mine, Show Me yours
We're better than Illinois

MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, and very little else
We've got lots of 10'x10' shacks in the woods
It's where you're wanted.
At least our cows are sane.

NEBRASKA: More corn than Kansas
Go to Kansas, turn north

NEVADA: More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too)
2 words - Death Valley
3:5 you'll leave broke
We have our own nuclear testing site

NEW HAMPSHIRE: Like Old Hampshire, only newer
About as exciting as Vermont

NEW JERSEY: You have the right to remain silent,
You have the right to an attorney...
Tell 'em Guido sent ya

NEW MEXICO: Lizards make excellent pets
We have reservations
Alien Welcome Center - Roswell

NEW YORK: At least we're not New Jersey!
We're more than a big city; we're a state
Like we CARE about a motto
English spoken here; sometimes

NORTH CAROLINA: Five million people; Fifteen last names
We're bigger than South Carolina

NORTH DAKOTA: The OTHER South Dakota

OHIO: Don't judge us by Cleveland
Proud polluters of Lake Erie
We're easy to spell

OKLAHOMA: We're OK, you're NOT!
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto

OREGON: As pretty as California but not as weird
We're not named after a musical instrument
You can see the sunset from here

PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with coal
Free lub job with oil change

RHODE ISLAND: Size ain't everything
Nobody famous came from Rhode Island

SOUTH CAROLINA: Just south of North Carolina

SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota

TENNESSEE: The Educashun State
Thank goodness we've still got Elvis
A great fixer-upper

TEXAS: Si Hablo Ingles
See, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!

UTAH: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus
At least our sheep can't talk

VERMONT: Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns

VIRGINIA: Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!

WASHINGTON: We like our state, so STAY OUT!

WEST VIRGINIA: Where "family values" has a different meaning

WISCONSIN: Land of funny accents.
Say "Cheeeese"

WYOMING: Where men are lonely and sheep are scared

[thedrifter]

Senior Moment


Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner
Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into
the garden.

They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks,
"Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" and he replies
"sex"."

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fool, you couldn't get it up if I held a Gun
to your head!" "I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just
held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly
each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
hold Howard's manhood.

Then one night Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting
place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure that he was
OK. She walked around the senior where she found him sitting by the pool
with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I
don't have?!?"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

[airframesguru]

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,

and 5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Naaaah, it's not funny enough to explain it five times."

[airframesguru]

Drifter,

I have a ton of funnies. As long as they are "appropriate", may I indulge?

Sempers,

MW

[Art Petersn]

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours
and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital
and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with
second degree burns. He was already starting to
blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous
intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes,
a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good
will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied,
"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

[thedrifter]

Miscellaneous Unproductive Time

It has come to my attention recently that many people have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (code 5300). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem.

What is a problem is not knowing exactly what people are doing during their unproductive time.

I've attached a sheet specifying a tentative extended job list based on my observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please distribute this as necessary, and let me know about any difficulties.

For your timesheets:


Job number Explanation
---------- -----------
5300 Meeting
5300-100 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5300-200 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5310 Breaks
5310-100 Waiting for Break
5310-110 Buying Snack
5310-120 Eating Snack
5310-200 Waiting for Lunch
5310-210 Ordering Out
5310-220 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
5310-230 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
5310-300 Waiting for End of Day
5310-400 Personal Evacuation
5310-410 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
5310-500 Company Drug Policy
5310-510 Recreational Drug Use

5320 Employee Relations
5320-100 Gossip
5320-110 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5320-120 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker
is not Present
5320-200 Imcompetence
5320-210 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5320-220 Covering for Incompetence of Manager
5320-300 Dealing with Fellow Workers
5320-310 Pretending You Like Coworker
5320-320 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They
are Jerks
5320-330 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
5320-400 Hazing of Employees
5320-410 Playing Pranks on the New Employee
5320-420 Playing Pranks on a Regular Employee
5320-430 Playing Pranks on an Incompetent Employee
5320-440 Playing Pranks on a Competent Employee
5320-450 Playing Pranks on the Intern/Temp
5320-460 Taking Credit for Playing Pranks on any Employee
5320-500 Sexual Harassment in the Workplace
5320-510 Making Passes at Coworker
5320-520 Sexually Harassing Coworker
5320-530 Sexual Intercourse
5320-540 Flirting

5330 Employee Training
5330-100 Concepts and Procedures
5330-110 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not
Interested in Learning
5330-120 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5330-130 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5340 Procurement
5340-100 Company Goods
5340-110 Stealing Company Goods
5340-120 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
5340-130 Grocery Shopping (Coffee, Tea, M&M's...)
5340-200 Company Resources
5340-210 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
5340-220 Running your own Business on Company Time
5340-230 Working on a second job during Company Time

5350 Timesheet Activities
5350-100 Filling Out Timesheet
5350-200 Timesheet Entries
5350-210 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5350-220 Organizing Timesheet Entries

5360 Telephone Activities
5360-100 Long-Distance Calls
5360-110 Personal Calls
5360-200 Speaking to a professional
5360-210 Divorce Lawyer
5360-220 Plumber
5360-230 Dentist
5360-240 Doctor
5360-300 Speaking to a contractor
5360-310 Fence (In Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods)
5360-320 Masseuse
5360-330 House Painter
5360-340 Personal Therapist
5360-350 Mistress
5360-400 Sales Calls
5360-410 Someone who wants to be your broker
5360-420 Hardware vendors who think you make decisions
5360-430 Software vendors who think the company will spend money to
make your job easier
5360-440 Systems vendors who want to automate your job

5370 Complaints
5370-100 *****ing about:
5370-110 Lousy Job
5370-120 Low Pay
5370-130 Long Hours
5370-140 Coworker
5370-150 Boss
5370-160 Personal Problems
5370-170 General *****ing
6370-180 Business Difficulties

5380 Inspirational Activities
5380-100 Anticipation
5380-110 Waiting for Something to Happen
5380-200 Personal Hygene
5380-210 Scratching Yourself
5380-220 Sleeping
5380-300 Personal Feelings
5389-310 Feeling Horny
5380-320 Feeling Bored
5380-330 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
5380-400 Meditation
5380-410 Staring Into Space
5380-420 Staring At Computer Screen
5380-430 Transcendental Meditation
5380-500 Fantasizing
5380-510 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
5380-520 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
5380-530 Unproductive Fantasizing

5390 Networking
5390-100 Fictional Writing
5390-110 Writing a Book on Company Time
5390-120 Writing an expose about the Company on Company Time
5390-200 Technical Writing
5390-210 Sending Jokes around the Office
5390-220 Sending Jokes around the Internet

5400 Event Planning
5400-100 Birthdays
5400-200 Anniversaries
5400-300 Vacations
5400-400 Weddings

[thedrifter]

The # of The Beast


OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:


$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
6, uh... what
was that number
again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
Route 666 - Highway of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National
Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

[thedrifter]

Fwd: From the murky mind of MelloScoob

somewhat warped humor from Trevor Keane

The Statements Car Owners are Really Making


Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I
have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for
Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes
when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than
no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the
shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune
off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be
inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior
than Isuzu
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife

[marinemom]

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw
advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the
paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"

The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up. The farmer
needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick."

The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of
the cow..........

BASIC COW.................................$500.00
Two tone exterior.........................$45.00
Extra stomach...............................$75.00
Product storing equipment..........$60.00
Straw compartment.....................$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea.........................$40.00
Leather upholstery......................$125.00
Dual horns......................................$45.00
Automatic fly swatter....................$38.00
fertilizer attachment....................$185.00
GRAND TOTAL..........................$1,233.00

[thedrifter]

Universal Poker


Order> Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
<Chaos> I am here, but my opposite is you.
<Order> Huh?
<Evil> Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
<Truth> My opposite is not here.
<Good> Is your opposite "Lies"?
<Truth> My opposite is "Void." He couldn't make it.
<Evil> >snicker< Figures!
<Order> Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
<Evil> Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
<Good> I have the cards.
<Evil> I've got the chips.
<Truth> I have the beer.
<Chaos> I have the cards!
<Order> Shut up.

...

<Order> Whose deal is it?
<Evil> Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
<Truth> It is Good's deal.
<Good> OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
<Evil> How can anyone win if everything is wild?
<Good> No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
<Order> I like this game.
<Evil> This is pointless.
<Truth> It is time to deal.
<Good> Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
<Truth> Five.
<Order> Five and raise you five.
<Evil> Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
<Order> I like ten better.
<Evil> >sigh< Call.
<Chaos> I fold.
<Evil> YOU CAN'T LOSE!
<Chaos> I still fold.
<Good> OK, I'll call. How many, Truth?
<Evil> What's the point in taking more cards?
<Truth> I will keep the cards I have.
<Order> I will take two.
<Evil> Why?!?
<Order> I didn't like those.
<Evil> None for me.
<Chaos> I'll take six.
<Good> Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
<Evil> Oh, just get this over with.
<Order> But now we have to bet!
<Evil> Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
<Truth> I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.
<Truth> I have five aces.
<Order> I have five ace of spades.
<Chaos> I have a three.
<Good> Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
<Evil> Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
<Good> Where did you get that card?
<Truth> He stole it from Chaos.
<Evil> You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
<Good> That was a stupid game.
<Order> Whose deal is it?
<Truth> The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
<Chaos> Whee!
<all but Chaos> >groan<
<Chaos> Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and
kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines,
and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered
spade showing...
<Order> I fold...

[thedrifter]

"With a moo-moo here..."


My wife is a primary school teacher, and related this tale after another class returned from a trip to a working farm:

My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the trip.

"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f***ers."

Wife: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a f***er?"

David: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk"

Wife: "but who said they were called, er, f***ers?"

David: "that was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers," but we all knew what she meant."

[thedrifter]

And she's no blond.....


Dear Mr. Jones:

We noticed you've not picked up any condoms at SpiffyMart recently. (Your last purchase was 8 weeks ago.) Further, you have stopped buying feminine hygiene products, but have sharply increased your frozen pizza and dinners usage in the same time frame.

It's clear that Ms. Jody Sanders has dumped you. (It's probably for the best - we knew she was a loser from that cheap shampoo she buys.) We confirmed this with the Post Office database--yep, she filed a change of address.

We at Horny International offer our condolences. As the number-one vender of hot X-rated videos, we'd like to help you out in this time of stress. If you're feeling lonely, check out our catalog of both VHS and super 8 tapes.

Order now and we throw in an extra tape FREE!

Yours Truly;

Sleazy Jerk, Marketing Manager.

ps: That "blond" at O'Dougles last Saturday--you bought her 2nd Strawberry Martini? Forget it! She's on her third yeast infection in as many months, and is a 'regular' at Acme Pharmacy. (Her HMO computer gossips with ours.) You never know what else she might have. Our tapes are LOTS safer!..

[thedrifter]

Yes, Virginia, there is a Cthulhu


Dear Editor- I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Great Cthulhu. Papa says, "If you see it on Alt.Horror.Cthulhu, it's so," Please tell me the truth, is there a Great Cthulhu who will rise from the watery depth of the Pacific to clear the Earth of all living things? ------Virgina Marsh

Virgina, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the fever of enlightenment given to them by a so-called "enlightened" age. They do not believe in anything unless it carries the weight of scientific authority. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. Reality is that which can be cataloged and measured, to be spooned out in rational doses to the common people. All minds, Virgina, whether they be adult's or children's, are little. In this vast chaos we laughingly call the universe, man is a mere insect, a bug, whose intellect has as much chance of grasping the whole truth, as an ant has of understanding non-Euclidian geometry.

Yes, Virgina, there is a Great Cthulhu. He exists as certainly as the cold unfeelingness of the cosmos exits, and you know that this meaninglessness abounds and gives to your life its highest absurdity. Alas! how comfortable would be the world if there were no Cthulhu! It would be as comforting as if a Santa Claus truly did care and reward children for doing good. There would be childlike faith then, a world of sweet believable poetry and romance to make existence idyllic and appealing. The external light with which childhood fills the world would never end.

Not believe in the Great Cthulhu! You might as well not believe in Hastur or the Necronomicon. You might get your papa's science books and Skeptical Inquirers to see if Cthulhu is mentioned in any historical contexts or if R'lyeh truly does rest under the Pacific Ocean, but even if you did not find either mentioned in your 'holy' books, what would that prove? Nobody sees or knows of Cthulhu, but that is no sign that there is no Great Cthulhu. The most real things in the world are those that we can not know through the senses. Can the headache of your friend be felt by you? No, but his pain affects your life regardless. Do you feel the angst of living a life you never wanted through any of your five senses? No, yet the despair remains. Yet if such realities are known but are never seen, then why should other's ignorance of the unseen lead us to share in their blindness. By what right have they earned your obedience? Nobody can conceive of the inconceivable, including your leaders of thought.

You tear apart the rattle of a baby to see what lies inside to make such noise, but the tiny balls there can not explain or illustrate the fear of a hostile world, that makes that baby clutch and shake that rattle so. Only reaching for insanity can push aside the curtain of our hopes and view with stark madness the emptiness that lies beyond. Is that reality? Is that the truth? To give an answer is to replace the curtain with but one more. And it is this, that makes the Great Cthulhu as true and as real as any veil we place on the chaos beyond. If one must create a meaning, why not the Great Cthulhu. At least the choice is free.

Thank Azathoth! The Great Cthulhu lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virgina, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to await the time when the stars are right again. For with those which eternal lie, with strange eons even death may die.

(From Editorial Page, Arkham Advertiser, 1928)

[thedrifter]

Just speak louder


I saw this on the deaf joke of the month web page, and they claim it came from a swedish deaf discussion group.

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?"

"I turned out the light," the second man replied.

[thedrifter]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to
dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his
wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried
and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said
he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down,
then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was
nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for
something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

[thedrifter]

Two Italian Men


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
first but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say
the
following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I
come once-a-more. Two asses they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed
swine", retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't
speak aloud in public places about our sex lives......... "Hey coola down
lady", said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my
frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'." I BET YOU'll READ THIS AGAIN!!!

[thedrifter]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple
> of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles
> to
> himself.
>
> Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be
> willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
>
> Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the
> golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and
> sinks
> the putt.
>
> Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to
get
> an eagle on this one."
>
> The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth
> giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
>
> Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay," and makes an eagle.
>
> On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting
> for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says,
> "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
>
> "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
>
> As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside
> him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know
> who I am.
>
> I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
>
> "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

[thedrifter]

End of the world?


When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

[thedrifter]

Looking on the bright side


We have a stringent rule against chewing gum in our house, which led to the following amusing episode:

My wife and I were discussing with our children a recent accident where a man died trying to save his wife. My wife said that she would rather I stay alive to take care of the kids. I said to the kids "Wouldn't it be terrible if Mommy and Daddy both died in an accident?" The seven year old solemnly agreed that it would be terrible. The five year old thought for a few seconds, then brightened and said, "At least we could have gum!"

[thedrifter]

A delicacy of delicacies


Okay, everyone... a true story of justice in the good old U.S. of A. Thought y'all might enjoy this; if nothing else, it shows internet justice, if it can be called that.

On a whim, I decided to visit Hormel's main plant, and, after a tour, we were allowed to taste samples of their various products. And there was one... I don't think that words can describe how it tasted. It was a meat product, but to call it meat would not do it justice. The memory of the taste brings tears to my eyes.

I like to cook in my spare time, so I asked the tour guide if they could give me the recipe. She frowned, and said, "I'm afraid not." Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Two-fifty." I said with approval, just add it to my tab.

Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Hormel and it was $285.00. I looked again and remembered I had only spent $9.95 for a couple of tins, and about $20.00 for an anti-nauseant. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Recipe--$250.00." Boy, was I upset! I called Hormel's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," and I did not realize she meant $250.00 for a recipe. I asked them to take back the recipe and reduce my bill and they said they were sorry, but because all the recipes were this expensive so not just everyone could duplicate any of our delicacies... the bill would stand.

I waited, thinking of how I could get even or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250.00 and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every gourmet will have a $250.00 recipe from Hormel for nothing. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "I'm sorry but this is the only way I feel I could get even," and I will.

So, here it is, and please pass it on to someone else or run a few copies... I paid for it; now you can have it for free.


(Trust me; this recipe is so good that you will want to make as much as
you can at once, which is why I list so much. This may be doubled, of
course):
1 pig carcass (all parts that are technically digestible but can't be
used for any other purpose, even hot dogs)
1 gallon castor oil
1 salt lick
1 gallon vomit
16 lbs recycled plastic

The cooking technique is simple. Use a blender, branch shredder, or
anything else handy to shred the carcass, salt, and plastic; mix evenly
in a sufficiently large container. There are a variety of ways to cook
it; in experimenting, I have found the best option to be slow boiling
in motor oil. But the specific method of cooking doesn't matter much;
with such an extraordinary combination of ingredients, nobody will know
the difference. When it is cooked, compress it into small tins (at
Hormel, it came in dark blue tins with four large white or yellow
letters--I won't specify which four letter word, because there are
some people who find it to be more obscene and offensive than a certain
crude word for sex), and open and enjoy at leisure. You don't need to
worry about it spoiling; bacteria won't touch it, and at any rate
there is a specific reason why it can't go bad. Makes at least 112
tins.



Have fun!! This is not a joke --- this is a true story. That's it. Please, pass it along to everyone you know, single people, mailing lists, etc...
Oh, and one last thing I almost forgot...

I feel a little guilty for presuming to speak about how to best serve a delicacy so wonderful--the final word must go to gourmets and chefs with a taste far more refined than mine--but there are a thousand ways in which it may be served, and, after a little experimenting, I really HAVE to share with you my personal favorite:


Open one tin; slice thinly. Marinate in pesto sauce, with a touch of
thyme. Roast slowly over an open flame (I have found wood--
preferably oak--to work best), then THROW THE STUPID THING OUT THE
WINDOW AND COOK YOURSELF A STEAK.

[thedrifter]

Chemical limerick

A mosquito cried out in pain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane

[paraDichloroDiphenylTrichloroethane is the the full name for DDT]

[thedrifter]

Peter's Evil Overlord List

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, ``Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?'' My reply will be, ``No, just sensible.''

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll say, ``No.'' and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push''.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me--I'll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum--a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident-- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word ``mercy''; I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know.''

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way--even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless--my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.

33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

[thedrifter]

Damn good thing they don't have a union

Topic 1273 [writers]: HELP! I quit my job to become a writer. What's Next?
#553 of 554: Stephan Zielinski (szielins) Mon Feb 24 '97 (21:12) 47 lines




> How did you lose contact with your characters?
Well, what usually happens to me is they move and don't leave a forwarding address.

Then, when I catch up to them again, they give me this *look*. "Since the last time we worked together," one said to me just the other day, "I've met a wonderful woman, I've got a good job, I've got respect in my community. When I was working with you, I spent all day poring over ancient texts in languages I barely knew, and spent all night running away from zombies. And when it was all done, I had nothing to show for it but a half-dozen concealed weapons violations to answer for in the Hall of Justice, and the bill from a therapist who thought I'd hallucinated the whole thing and should probably be institutionalized."

"It won't be zombies this time," I said.

"Oh, of course not. I know all about zombies now. It'll be something else, probably that I've never heard of. And I'll either lose my girlfriend, when I start muttering under my breath, or worse she'll believe me and spend two months as a target."

"Look, all this is negotiable. Let me introduce you to... hrm... an ex-KGB emigre? A gun runner, so you'll never have to worry about running out of bullets again. You'll like her, she's a stunning blonde, eyes as blue as the sea, endearing mole on the back of her hand..."

"Come off it. Once we defeat the weresnails or whatever it is you've got waiting in the wings, we're supposed to settle down? I'm an archaeologist, for crying out loud. She's supposed to give up her gun-running ring and watch me dust off potshards for the rest of her life?"

"Well, you could show her the error of her ways."

"Terrific. And what are we going to talk about over the Sunday paper? `My goodness, honey, it sure is terrific being able to spend time with you without having to make sure I've got a silver dagger where I can reach it.'"

"What could I say to convince you?"

"`I'm writing erotica now.'"

[thedrifter]

The Chocolate Ritual

THE CHOCOLATE RITUAL

Materials required:

On the altar are


brown candles,
a Tootsie Roll (the great big one- as the athame),
a large glass with milk in it (the chalice),
a small dish of Hershey's Syrup and a spoon,
a small dish of chocolate sprinkles,
a plate of cupcakes,
some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet,
and small dish of chocolate ice cream.

The Celebrants

Handmaiden (Henceforth known as Swiss Miss)
High Priestess (Henceforth known as Betty Crocker)
Page (Henceforth known as Pillsbury Dough Boy)
High Priest (Henceforth known as Mr. Goodbar)

Cleanse the Sacred Space

Pillsbury Dough Boy take the small dish of chocolate sprinkles

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast
No calories in thy presence last.
Let no harm adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!

Swiss Miss take the small dish of Hershey's Syrup, spoon and large
glass
with milk

Hershey's Syrup where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.
Let all good things come unto me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!

Cast The Circle

Betty Crocker using a tootsie roll as athame walks around the circle
three
times

Mr. Goodbar intones the invocation

In the beginning,
there was the word.
And the word was Chocolate.
And it was good.
Confections: 1.5 oz., 240 cal.

Call the Quarters

Betty Crocker
Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Great princess of the palace of dessert!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all moochers
approaching from the East.

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Fondue of the South, Molten one!
Great prince of the palace decadence!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all diets
approaching from the South.

Swiss Miss
Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one!
Great princess of the palace of thirst quenchers!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all carob
approaching from the West.

Mr. Goodbar
Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
Great prince of the palace of crunchy comfort food!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all cheap
imitations approaching from the North.

MAIN RITUAL

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate, who was of old called:
Godiva, Suzi Q, Little Debbie, Dolly Madison, Fanny Farmer, Sara Lee,
and by many other names:

Swiss Miss
Whenever you have one of those cravings,
once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full,
then shall you assemble in a great public place
and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me,
who is Queen of all Goodies.

In the mall shall you assemble,
you who have eaten all of your chocolate and are hungry for more.
To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue.
And you shall be free from depression.
And as a sign that you are truly free,
you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks,
and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in
my
presence.

For mine is the ecstasy of theobromine,
and mine is also the joy on earth,
yea, even into high orbit
for my law is "melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
Keep clean your fingers,
carry Wet Ones always,
let none keep you from Me.

For Mine is the secret that opens your mouth,
and Mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips
and comfy padding pounds on your hips.
I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy
onto the tummies of women and men.

Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious,
and beyond death
well, I can't do much there.
Sorry about that.

I demand only your money in sacrifice,
for behold,
chocolate is a business,
and you have to pay for those truffles
before you eat them.

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess,
she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations,
whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere:

Betty Crocker
I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips,
and the satisfying softness of big bars,
the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles,
and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire,
call unto thy soul to arise and come unto Me.

For I am the soul of candy,
from Me do all confections spring,
and unto Me all of you shall return,
again.... and again... and again.... and again.

Before My smeared face,
beloved of women and men,
thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of
overdose.
Let My taste be within thy mouth that rejoices.
For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are My rituals.

Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess,
crispness and crackling,
big slabs and bite size pieces,
peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you.

And you who think to seek Me,
know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not
unless you know the Mystery:
"We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it"

For behold:
I have been with you since you were just a baby,
and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land.
Messed be.

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was of old called:
Milton Snavely Hershey, 3 Muskateers, Fudgesicle, Devil Dog, Mars,
Willy
Wonka and by many other names:

Mr. Goodbar
I am the strength of the candy rack,
and the piece that fell on the floor but looks like it may not have
gotten
too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate.

No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate,
I will hunt you out,
and I will become your sacred prey.

I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter,
and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive
Godiva
store downtown.

I give you My creatures,
the fire of love of chocolate,
the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way
bar
and the shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out.

You are dear to Me,
and I instill in you the power of a piece of chocolate that you had
forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight
with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away.

By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun,
I charge you,
by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot
and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you,
and by the beauty of a perfectly formed Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I
charge
you.

Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you.
The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would
envy.
Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa,
and in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo.

Yet you must be wary of deceit.
Eat not of that which is called "baking chocolate,"
for it is vile and bitter.

Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you.
Be not greedy,
but let yourself be known as a connoisseur.
Leave a little for someone else.

I am with you always,
just over your shoulder,
or around the next corner.

I am the Lord of Chocolate,
and when you have reached the end of you hoard,
I will never be further away from you than that 7-Eleven on the
corner.

I am the spirit of the wild child,
the inner child who can never get quite enough.
If you are a true chocolate lover,
then your soul and mine are intertwined.

Cupcakes and Yoo-Hoo

Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo

Mr. Goodbar
Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate

Betty Crocker
Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate

Pillsbury Dough Boy
For both are better than the falsely named "white chocolate"

continued........

[thedrifter]

Swiss Miss
And neither one is carob

Mr. Goodbar
As the frosting is to the cupcake

Betty Crocker
So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar

Pillsbury Dough Boy
And when they are eaten,
they are yummy in truth,

Swiss Miss
for there is no greater snack in all the world
than one made of chocolate.

blessing of the cupcakes

Mr. Goodbar & Pillsbury Dough Boy
Frosting is keen

Betty Crocker & Swiss Miss
And frosting is neat

Mr. Goodbar, Pillsbury Dough Boy, Betty Crocker & Swiss Miss
Great Goddess! Let's eat!

Feasting and Drinking

Dismiss Quarters

Betty Crocker
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the East,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants
"Choooooooc-laaaaate"

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the South,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants
"Choooooooc-laaaaate"

Swiss Miss
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the West,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants
"Choooooooc-laaaaate"

Mr. Goodbar
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the North,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants
"Choooooooc-laaaaate"

Mr. Goodbar: After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final
satisfying
belch at the east

Open Circle

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Go now in perfect love,
perfect trust,
and perfect chocolate

[Phantom Blooper]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?"asked Joe. "I want to get weighed."she said . They ambled over to the weight guesser.He guessed 120 pounds.She got on the scale,it said 117and she won a prize.Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel.When the ride was over,Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed."she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.The couple walked around the carnival for awhile and again he asked her," Where to next?" "I want to get weighed." she responded.By this time, Joe thought she was really weird and took her home early,dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate,Laura asked her about her blind date,"How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh Waura,it was wousy.":banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Dennis rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle."Master,may I grant you one wish?"asked the genie with a smile. "Hey, *****. Don't you know who I am? I don't ned no woman givin' me nuttin'!"barked Rodman.The genie pleaded, "But,master I must grant you one wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."Dennis thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the incovenience of it all,he said, "Okay,okay, I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning,so just do it."Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed, "Now just leave me alone!" The annoyed genie said,So be it!" and dissapeared back into the bottle.The next morning Rodman woke up with Lorena Bobbitt,Tonya Harding,and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone,his leg was broke,and he had no health insurance.

[thedrifter]

Humor: Not an accusation, just evidence

This bishop invites a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the priest can't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper is. Over the course of the evening he starts to wonder if there's more between the bishop and the housekeeper than meets the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the bishop volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says, "Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The bishop says, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sits down and writes: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the young priest, which reads: "Your Excellency, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

[thedrifter]

All that glitters ...


This is a bit of light relief from an internal web site here at Netscape. Apparently, it has been excerpted from "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II," Seymour Reit (Signet, 1980):

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

[thedrifter]

Lost quarto of Hamlet


This recently discovered folio edition of "Hamlet" follows other known versions closely until Act V, Scene II, where it begins to diverge at line 232, as will be seen:


KING ...`Now the king drinks to Hamlet.' Come, begin,
And you the judges, bear a wary eye

Trumpets sound. HAMLET and LAERTES take their stations

HAMLET: Come on, sir.
LAERTES: Come, my lord.

Enter FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY, AND SCOOBY

DAPHNE: Wait!
SHAGGY: Stop the fight!

HAMLET and LAERTES put up their foils

KING: I like this not. Say wherefore you do speak?
FRED: Good lord, I pray thee, let thy anger wait.
For we, in seeking clues, have found the truth
Behind the strange events of latter days.
VELMA: The first clue came from Elsinore's high walls,
Where, so said Hamlet, Hamlet's ghost did walk.
Yet though the elder Hamlet met his death,
And perforce hath been buried in the ground,
'Tis yet true one would not expect a ghost
To carry mud upon his spectral boots.
Yet mud didst Shaggy and his faithful hound
Espy, with footprints leading to a drop.
This might, at first, indeed bespeak a ghost...
Until, when I did seek for other answers,
I found a great, wide cloth of deepest black
Discarded in the moat of Elsinore.
'Tis clear, the "ghost" used this to slow his fall
While darkness rendered him invisible.
FRED: The second clue we found, my lord, was this.
KING: It seems to me a portrait of my brother
In staine'd glass, that sunlight may shine through.
FRED: But see, my lord, when placed before a lantern--
KING: My brother's ghost!
HAMLET: My father!
VELMA: Nay, his image.
FRED: In sooth, that image caught the Prince's eye
When he went to confront his lady mother.
Nor did his sword pierce poor Polonius.
For Hamlet's blade did mark the castle wall
Behind the rent made in the tapestry.
Polonius was murdered by another.
The knife which killed him entered from behind.
LAERTES: But who?
FRED: Indeed my lords, that you shall see.
HAMLET: And if this ghost was naught but light and air,
Then what of that which I did touch and speak to?

The GHOST enters.

GHOST: Indeed, my son.
SHAGGY: Zoinks!
DAPHNE: Jenkies!
GHOST: Mark them not.
Thou hast neglected duty far too long.
Shall this, my murderer, live on unharmed?
Must I remain forever unavenged?

SCOOBY and SHAGGY run away from the GHOST. SCOOBY, looking backward,
runs into a tapestry, tearing it down. As a result, tapestries around
the walls collapse, one surrounding the GHOST.

GHOST: What?
FRED: Good Osric, pray restrain that "ghost,"
That we may reach the bottom of the matter.
Now let us see who truly walked tonight.

FRED removes the helm and the disguise from the GHOST'S face.

ALL: Tis Fortinbras!
FRED: The valiant prince of Norway!
FORTINBRAS: Indeed it is, and curses on you all!
This Hamlet's father brought my own to death,
And cost me all my rightful heritage.
And so I killed this king, and hoped his son
Would prove no obstacle to Norway's crown.
Then Claudius bethought himself the killer
(As if one might be poisoned through the ear!)
The brother, not the son, took Denmark's throne,
And held to Norway with a tighter grip.
I swore an end to Denmark's royal house.
I spoke to Hamlet of his uncle's crimes.
Then killed Polonius to spark Laertes.
This day, with poison's aid, all might have died,
And Denmark might have come to me as well
As my beloved Norway and revenge.
My scheme blinded them all, as if by fog
But for these medd'ling kids and this their dog.

KING: The villain stands confessed. Now let us go.
For much remains to us to be discussed.
And suitable reward must needs be found
For these, our young detectives and their hound.

EXEUNT OMNES.

[thedrifter]

Pilot to Maintenance Compendium

These are alledged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:


Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

[thedrifter]

Humor: Best Law Enforcement Agency


The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[thedrifter]

CAUGHT RED-HANDED



The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.

"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.

"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"

[Phantom Blooper]

A few minutes before the church services started,the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.Suddenly,Satan appeared at the front of the church.Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance in an effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving. Satan walked up to the man and said,"Do you know who I am?"The man replied."Yep,sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?"Satan asked. "Nope,sure ain't." said the man."Don't you realize I could kill you with one word?"asked Satan."Don't doubt it for a minute."said the man, in an even tone."Did you know that I could cause you profound,horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan."Yep." was the calm reply."And your still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope." said the old man. More than a little perturbed,Satan asked. "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied,"Been married to your sister for 48 years.":devious: :evilgrin:

[Phantom Blooper]

Julie,was getting pretty desperate for money. she decided to go to the nicer,richer neighborhoods around town looking for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to the man answered the door and said "Yeah,I have work for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well how much do you want me to pay you?" said the man. "Is fifty bucks allright?" Julie asked. Yeah,great you'll find all the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." the man went back into the house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know that the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. " Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later,Julie knocked on the door "I'm all finished." she told the surprised homeowner.The man was amazed, "You painted the entire porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied. I even had some paint left,so I put on two coats." The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie."Oh,and by the way," said Julie, that's not a Porch,it's a Ferrari.":banana:

[thedrifter]

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[thedrifter]

These days we are all some what caught in an "Internet lifestyle", so here are some things you can do in the horrific event your ISP goes down...

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet.

9. Get ass groove in chair fixed at store.

10. Tylenol... Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol!

11. Do shopping with clothes on.

12. Check your mail box every 15 minutes.

[thedrifter]

Things on the love landscape sure have changed over the years...

SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER

Dearest Samantha,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely, Max



MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER

Dear Max,

Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.

However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.

I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.

Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.

Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.

Please also note that my sister is happily employed.

Yours perhaps, Samantha!

[thedrifter]

For all the ladies who have asked, "What is marketing?", the following analogies will help clear it up...

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
- That's Spam.

[thedrifter]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."


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A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."


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An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

[thedrifter]

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the