Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Changing Tires


This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands. "Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold, he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation, between her legs. He finally finishes the job and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.

She looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?"

[thedrifter]

Lawyer Jokes

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it " ...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"

"I'm from the phone company," Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."

[thedrifter]

A short dictionary of construction terminology

Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.

Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.

Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.

Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

Auditor - Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.

Lawyer - Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.

[thedrifter]

Self Amusement


Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some whacko aunt or uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's your fist. Thank God other parts of our bodies are dumber.

[thedrifter]

Personal Questions


Did you hear about the 10-year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.

He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.

The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question again. He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked what he was doing and as he turned toward his mother, he beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license.

He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced you because you got an `F' in sex."

[thedrifter]

Sex in Bed


A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and have at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.

During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed, ... and finds four Chinese men.

[thedrifter]

More Sex in Bed


Gomer went into town for some R & R when he met up with a very attractive young lady. After talking to Gomer for over an hour, she invited him to her apartment for dinner. Upon arriving at the apartment, the lady laid down on the bed and said,"Do you know what I want?" Gomer, looking confused, said "No." The lady then removed her clothes. "Now do you know what I want?" Gomer shook his head. The lady then spread her legs slightly. "Now do you know what I want?" Gomer again shook his head. The lady spread her legs as wide as she could, her heels touching each side of the bed. "NOW, do you know what I want?" "Yes, ma'am," Gomer replied, "You're tired, you want to take a nap, and you want the whole bed to yourself."

[thedrifter]

Grading methods


Dept. of Statistics:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.


Dept. of Psychology:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.


Dept. of History:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.


Dept. of Religion:
- Grade is determined by God.


Dept. of Philosophy:
- What is a grade?


Law school:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.


Dept. of Mathematics:
- Grades are variable.


Dept. of Logic:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.


Dept. of Computer Science:
- Random number generator determines grade.


Music department:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).


Dept. of Physical Education:
- Everybody gets an A.

[thedrifter]

Follow through

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

[thedrifter]

Near-Death Experience


DJ Henry "The Bull" Del Toro was imitating an old man talking about his younger years...)

I had a near death experience. I was driving home one night with my fourth wife and two couples we were friendly with. All of a sudden, the car flips over and we're all standin' at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at one of the couples I was with and says to the man, "You're so cheap, you married a woman named Penny. Go to Hell!" St. Peter then looks at the next couple we were with and says to the man, "Why, you're such a boozer, you married a woman named Brandy. Go to Hell!" So I says to my wife, "Come on, Fanny, we're out of here!"

[Barrio_rat]

GOOD

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball. "He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[Phantom Blooper]

United Airlines passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everybody in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.As the plane prepared to descend,he came swishing down the isle and announced to the passengers,"Captain Marvey,has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly,lovely people,so if you can just put your trays up that would be super." On his trip back up the isle,he noticed that a well dressed,rather exotic middle eastern woman hadn't moved a muscle."Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy- poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."She calmly turned her head and said,"In my country, I am a princess,and I take orders from no one."To which the flight attendant replied, with out missing a beat,"Well sweet cheeks in my country,I'm considered a Queen,so I out rank you.Put the tray up, B..ch!":)

[thedrifter]

Anybody home?

telephone sales person makes a call to an unknown prospect and a very small, very soft, very quiet, and obviously young person answers the phone.

Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?

Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy.

Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?

Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.

Sales person: I see, how about your brother? Can I speak to him?

Youngster: (whispering) No. He's busy too.

Sales person: (losing patience) Is your sister there? Can I talk to her?

Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.

Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that keeps them so busy?!!!

Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.

[thedrifter]

Mysteries of the Overblown


Announcing, from Low-Life Books,


MYSTERIES OF THE OVERBLOWN


This provocative new book series provides amazingly arbitrary explanations to events which lie entirely within ordinary reality. Just listen to some of the stories described within ...

o In Malibu, CA, a woman suddenly feels that her grandson in New York has just received a phone call bringing terrible news. She places a frantic, long distance call ... and the line is busy.


...IT'S DISMISSED AS COINCIDENCE


o A group of youths in a wooded clearing are held aloft by an unseen force. They report hearing "wow, like, really freaky noises, man."


...IT'S DISMISSED AS "BAD" ACID


o As reported by dozens of observers, numerous glowing lights appear in the night sky over Denver, remaining until dawn.


...IT'S DISMISSED AS STARS


o In Lynchburg, VA, a man sticks a fork in a toaster when suddenly a bolt of energy shoots up his arm, knocking him unconscious.


...IT'S DISMISSED AS STUPIDITY


We can no longer afford to ignore things which may not be complete fabrications. Act now and you'll receive the exciting first book, "THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT." After that, you'll receive one book per month. If you don't want it, send it back within 30 seconds for a full refund. Many exciting titles await, from "SPOOKY NOISES" to "HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE REALLY FROM ANOTHER PLANET."

Each book is $89.90, billable in 10 monthly installments of


ONLY $8.99 EACH!!

[thedrifter]

An imperfect sex manual


Dear Sir,

One knows that publishing standards are declining, but I have never been so shocked and appalled by the number of misprints in a single publication. I refer, of course, to your "100 Easy Steps to Martial (sic) Satisfaction." Some of the advice therein is rendered misleading, dangerous or even illegal by such errors.

For instance, on page 212, one is enjoined to `carefully place a condor on your penis...' Later, on the same page, we are told to `stroke the beast, stimulating the erectile tissue at its tip', a course of action that I fancy even trained falconers would eschew. Elsewhere, my partner actually followed to the letter (pardon my little joke) the instructions to `fondle your mans bills' (p39) and `give him a long, slow message' (p128), both of which proved positively anaphrodisiac. And no one, surely, outside ancient Carthage has `punic hair' (p56) or uses a `dido' (p337). In chapter 1, the recommended `fissionary position' (p6) sounds a little explosive for beginners...

[thedrifter]

Official Politically Correct Terms for 1991

New Official Politically Correct Terms for 1991.
You Must Comply


Old New

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

conservative reactionary
The Establishment White Power Elite
hearing person temporarily aurally abled
sighted person temporarily visually abled
blind visually challenged
mute vocally challenged
dead metabolically different
alive temporarily metabolically abled
ugly aesthetically challenged
rude politically correct (tm)
psychopath socially misaligned
bald follicularly challenged
non-white, non-male oppressed
white melanin impoverished/genetically oppressive
white male oppressor
black african-american
asian asian-american
afro-american african-american

pregnancy parasitic oppression

janitor sanitation engineer
dish washer utensil sanitizer

dairy where cows are raped
ranch where cattle are murdered
egg ranch where hens are raped

biology department where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of the imperialistic drug companies

fishing raping the oceans
farming exploiting mother earth

paper bag processed tree carcass
female person of gender
horn-dog person of ardor
drooling drunk idiot person on floor
group of whites L.A.P.D.
girl pre-womin
boy oppressor to be

[thedrifter]

Diplomacy


Lord George Brown, when the band struck up at an embassy function, asked: "Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with me?"

"Certainly not," was the reply. "First, you are drunk. Second, it is not a waltz, but the Venezualan national anthem; and third, I am not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal nuncio."

[thedrifter]

Star Trek Christmas songs


to the tune of "Let it Snow")



Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
but still we must boldly go--
make it so, make it so, make it so.

From William Riker (to the tune of "Deck the Halls")

Here's a vexing Christmas riddle
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
Why must I play second fiddle?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
How can I impress Deanna
(fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
When I'm number two banana?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)

From Wesley Crusher (to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")

I'm at Starfleet Academy and I'd just like to say
I miss the opportunity to weekly save the day--
To make things worse I have to be
In some dumb Christmas play!
Yes I'm bright, though I'm just a teenaged boy, teenaged boy,
And the Enterprise was my most favorite toy.

From Data

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
jingle all the way!
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh--



or so I am reliably informed, lacking a subjective and intuitively perceived referent for the term "fun," I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat color the-- yes, sir.

[thedrifter]

Energizer(tm) commercial

A TV commercial I'd like to see, but probably never will . . .

Wife: Honey! Honey! I'm pregnant! We're going to have a baby!

Husband: Really? Are you sure? How do you know?

Wife: Well, because the rabbit finally died . . .

[Wife brings the Energizer(TM) rabbit by the ears into camera view. Rabbit looks at camera, grins, and then dies (goes limp).]

Narrator: Energizer(TM) , It keeps going, and going, and going, until it's too late .

[thedrifter]

Two old folks' jokes


A young man is jogging through a park when he sees an old man sitting on a bench sobbing. Concerned, he stops by the bench. "Is there anything I can do for you, sir?"

"Oh," sobs the old man, "everything's wonderful. I just married a gorgeous twenty-year old who'll do anything for me, and even my children love her. We have a beautiful house, a pool..."

"So what's the matter?" the puzzled young man asks.

"I can't remember where I live!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

[thedrifter]

Guide to Safe Fax


Q: Do I have to be married to have fax?

A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?

A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?

A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?

A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q: Should a cover always be used before faxing?

A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe fax.

[fabboss]

it all depends on what you say....


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that bathrobe.

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a Preacher whose wife was expecting a baby,so he went to the congregation and requested that he be given a raise.After much consideration and discussion,the congregation passed a rule that when the preachers family expanded ,so would his paycheck.After five or six children,it started to get expensive so the congregation decided to hold another meeting,to discuss the preachers pay.There was much yelling and bickering on how much the preachers children were costing the church. Finally the preacher got up and spoke to the congregation and said..."HAVING CHILDREN IS AN ACT OF GOD!" In a the back of the room a little old man in his frail voice said, "SNOW AND RAIN ARE ALSO ACTS OF GOD,BUT WHEN WE GET TO MUCH, WE WEAR RUBBERS!":bunny:

[thedrifter]

Keep on Truckin'


Two Kentuckians [or your favorite ethnic/social group] were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high. They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it!"

[thedrifter]

Nuns and large families.

There was a nun doing charity work in a large metropolitan hospital. As she was walking by the nursery, she encountered a man looking through the window at a newborn.

"Is that your child?" said the nun.

"Why, yes, it is sister. She was born this morning," said the man.

"Are you Catholic, young man?"

"Yes, sister."

"How many children do you have?"

"This is our twelfth child. We are hoping for more."

"Your twelfth child! How magnificent. God has truly blessed you. I shall remember you in my prayers."

"Thank you sister," said the man.

Later that same day, the nun encountered another man at the nursery.

"Is that your child, young man."

"Yes, sister, it is. I am very proud of her."

"Are you Catholic, young man?"

"No sister, I am not."

"How many children do you have?"

"This is our ninth child."

The nun was shocked and gasped, "Sex maniac."

[thedrifter]

Chocolate Layer Cake 1040


Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.)

Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.

Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.

Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.

Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.

Line 5b. Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.

Line 5c. Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour.

Line 6. Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.

Line 7. Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.

Line 8. Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q.

Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions.

Line 9. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)

Line 10. Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m "For the Birds."

Line 11. Add vanilla.

Line 12. In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder.

Line 13. Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).

Line 14. Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9x13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9x13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, "Fresh Fruit Desserts."

Happy Taxes!

[thedrifter]

Hi-tech haikus

one with nintendo
halcyon symbiosis
hand thinks for itself

cold matsu****a
their technology stronger
enslaves our people

midori ito
girl finds glory, is broken
they can rebuild her

honda seatcovers
winter warm and summer cool
little lambs no more

the sand remembers
once there was beach and sunshine
but chip is warm too

oh no godzilla
guns and planes cannot stop him
tokyo is ablaze

samurai fighter
keyboard and mouse are his sword
digital battles

DAT arrives
frequency notch treachery
people are not fooled

young Sony worker
innocent hands build Walkman
tears run down faces

[thedrifter]

Vasectomy


A West Virginia man, considering getting a vasectomy, decided to discuss it with his priest.

The priest gave him various bits of advice, and suggested that he discuss it with his doctor.

The doctor likewise advised him on various aspects, and on discovering that he hadn't talked to his family about it yet, urged him to do so.

His family voted 14-4 in favor of it.

[thedrifter]

Sorry, wrong number.


A friend of mine received a phone call. "Who is this?" a woman's voice answered.

"Whom do you want to speak to?" my friend asked.

"Did you say `whom'?" the caller inquired after a somewhat startled pause.

"Yes," my friend said.

"I have the wrong number," the caller said. Then she hung up.

[thedrifter]

To Err is Hitler


The following began life as a Top Ten list of "Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler." it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular nationality (read, the French.) You'll have to excuse the fact that some of them are rather obscure, but that's what happens when you get a bunch of political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you...

Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler


Land War in Asia
Changed name from highly catchy "Schickelgruber" to boring "Hitler"
Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects
Not buying lifts for his shoes
Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
Failure to exploit Eva Braun
Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image
Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan
Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
Free beer in munitions plants
Lisp never corrected
Bad toupee
Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
Fell asleep in staff meetings
Chose Italy as ally
Land War in Asia
Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably like a bullseye from the air
Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
Never had fireside mass rallies
Told Einstein he had a stupid name
Used SS instead of LAPD
Admired Napoleon's strategy
Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him constantly
In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii
Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war advice
Major theme in speeches--liebensraum, or "living room"--widely misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess' pilot licence.
****ed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
Breast feeding for too long
Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR
Drank too much at Beer Hall Putsch
Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own escape.
Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland
Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion of Soviet Union
Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberlin in power
Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the fjords
Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited for the punchline)
Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar for "Best Foreign Documentary"--"You don't like me" speech undermined image.
Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in a can"
Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the "Oberdude"
Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a wimp?"
Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the last second
Failed to encourage tourism
Being born
Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
Alienated Chamberlin at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his back
Kept Colonel Klink in command
Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled threat
Used same astrologer as the Reagans

[thedrifter]

Bovine Family


prize bull and a prize cow got together and decided they'd have a little prize calf. So they did. When he was born, they decided he'd have the best of everything--food, education, ... So they kept him in a little compound separated from the hoi polloi. But as he reached puberty, he looked out through the chain-link fence at all the cows out there, and drooled. He would back up to the far corner of his pen, and study the top of the barbed-wire topped fence. He always concluded he couldn't make it. But one day, he decided he was big and strong enough. He backed up to the farthest corner, and ran like hell. He jumped over the fence, and made it, almost. Just then, papa bull came ambling along the fence line, noticed his son bleeding, noticed what was hanging on the barbed wire atop the fence, noticed his son bleeding ... At last he consoled his son: Don't worry, son, you can always be a consultant.

[thedrifter]

Drinking and driving


A cop is waiting across the street from a bar parking lot late on a Saturday night, watching for drunks trying to drive home. After a short wait, one particularly sad case stumbles out the door, front of his shirt soaked, bleary-eyed, confused, wandering the parking lot looking for his car. He locates his car, fumbles for his keys, gets in (bumping his head in the process) and drives off, bumping the curb on the way.

Of course he doesn't get very far at all before the cop is on him, and he immediately pulls over. The cop has him step out of the car, sizes him up, and administers several field sobriety tests, with much effort (the driver has trouble understanding some of the tests). The driver fails all the tests miserably: can't touch nose, can't walk straight, can't stand on one foot, can't recite a speedy alphabet.

The final legal step, of course, is the breathalyzer, so the cop asks his subject to blow into the tube. Green light. In disbelief, the cop checks the breathalyzer and has the suspect try again. Another green light--the guy's blood-alcohol level is legal.

"All right," says the cop, "how can you pass a breath test when you're so obviously falling-down drunk?"

"Well, it's like this," replies the guy. "I'm the designated decoy."

[thedrifter]

Doing business on the opposite coast


Here's a handy guide for those of you who have to deal with vendors, customers, or other divisions on the left coast.


East Coast West Coast

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

absolutely not maybe
yes maybe
action item by Feb 12 for Joe Joe's working on the problem
bozo subcontractor
brawl design review
dictator facilitator
do it and do it now can you sign up for this program?
do it right or you're fired I'm confident you'll get it done
**** off trust me
follow the spec is there a spec?
get out of my office let's get consensus on this one
he's a jerk he's not signed on to our plan
he's a subordinate he's a team player
I'll cover your ass consider me your resource
ignore him, he's new I'm bringing him up to speed
local bar offsite facility
meet me in the parking lot let's take that discussion offline
oh **** thanks for bringing that to my attention
overdesigned robust
punch his lights out constructive confrontation
shut the **** up thank you for your input
shut up a minute let me share this with you
that's totally incompetent let me build on that point
unemployed consulting
over budget on schedule
under budget we haven't started yet
we finished early (no translation available)
we're done how do you feel about that?
what's your problem? I certainly understand your feelings
where's the spec? what's a spec?
where's the schedule? what's the game plan?
your plan sucks let me share my feelings on this plan

[thedrifter]

A Modern (Cynical) Fable


Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit today's minute attention span.


The Troubled Aardvark
Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.

[thedrifter]

Nothing tougher than Sea Duty

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Marine Corps Gunny are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Marine Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside Chesty. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In afire fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, figures ... all shore duty."

[thedrifter]

Marines vs Airbornes

A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked an Airborne Ranger Staff Sergeant dressed in his class "A" Army uniform, replete with a chest full of combat medals and various other Army decorations and devices. The little boy turned to the Ranger and said, "Wow! Are you an Army Airborne Ranger?" The Ranger replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?" "Boy, would I," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.

As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man -- he was much more than "just" a man. He was a Marine Private, freshly out of recruit training.

The little boy turned and went over to the Marine. As he approached him, he could see his own reflection in the highly spit-shined shoes of the young Marine. His eyes widened as he stared up at the United States Marine in his dress green uniform with a shooting badge on his left chest. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, "Excuse me, Sir. Are you a Marine?" The Marine replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am, young man!! Would you like to shine my shoes?" The little boy smiled, and said, "Oh, no sir!! I'm not really in the Army Airborne, sir, I'm just wearing his hat !!!!!!!!

[thedrifter]

sent to me by my sis...Cas.......

CALENDAR OF NUDE POLICE OFFICERS

Don't forget that there are both male and female
police officers!!! Check out the link below...
you'll be surprised!

http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf

[marinemom]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer driinkin' these here beers!!"

Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our forehead and throw the bottles under the seat."

What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said
Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the
seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl. "We're on the patch."
> > >

[Phantom Blooper]

There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.He was a widower and she was a widow.They had known each other for a couple of years. One evening their was a social supper in the big community building. These two folks were at the same table across from each other. As the meal went on he made a few admiring glances at her,and finally got the courage to ask her,"Will you marry me?"After a few seconds of careful consideration,she answered, "Yes,yes I will." The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went back to their respective homes. Next morning he was troubled." Did she say 'yes' or did she say,'no'?"He couldn't remember.Try as he would, he just couldn't recall.Not even a faint memory.With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.First,he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.As he gained more courage,he inquired of her,"When I asked you to marry me did you say 'yes' or did you say 'no'?" He was delighted to hear her say,"Why,I said, Yes,yes I will,and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued,"Am I glad you called,because I couldn't remember who asked me."

[Phantom Blooper]

A woman goes into Wal Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Wal Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.She says,"Excuse me sir,can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"He says,"Ma'am I'm completely blind,but if you drop it on the counter.I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel with a 10lb. test line.It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."She says,"It's amazing you can tell all that just from me dropping it on the counter,I'm amazed,I'll take it." As she opens her purse her credit card falls out.As she bends down to pick it up she accidentally breaks wind.At first she is really embarrsed.Then she she realizes that the blind clerk could not really tell if it was her or someone else who farted. The man rings up the sale and says,"That will be $34.50,please." The woman is totally confused by this and said,"Didn't you tell me that it was on sale for $20.00.How did you get $34.50?" He replies,Yes Ma'am the rod and reel is $20.00 ,but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50.":banana:

[thedrifter]

The Jewish Mother


A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder.

"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."

The psychiatrist replies:

"What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"

[thedrifter]

A hard thing to give up...


As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

Husband: "Guess who?"

Wife: "I know who it is!"

Husband: "Guess what I want?"

Wife: "I know what you want!"

Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

[thedrifter]

A History of Math Education

The evolution of mathematics education

during the last 30 years.

1960's
A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price. What is his profit?


1970's
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price, i.e. $8. What is his profit?


1970's (New Math)
A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with a set M of money. The cardinality of the set M is equal to $10 and each element of M is worth $1. Draw 10 big dots representing the elements of M.

The set C of production costs is comprised of 2 big dots less than the set M. Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the cardinality of the set of profits? (Draw everything in red).


1980's
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8 and his profit is $2. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates.


1990's
A kapitalist pigg undjustlee akires $2 on a sak of patatos. Analiz this tekst and sertch for erors in speling, contens, grandmar and ponctuassion, and than ekspress your vioos regardeng this metid of geting ritch.

Author unknown

[thedrifter]

Senior Citizens


Horace Feebilmeind, the oldest man in the state, decides to visit a prostitute on his 105th birthday.

He calls an "agency" which promises to send over the most beautiful woman they have. He strips in anticipation, and the doorbell rings. He opens the door to find a tall, svelte, stacked red-head standing there. She takes one look, snorts, and says, "I'll tell ya, old man! You've had it!"

He thinks for a moment and then says, "Okay. How much do I owe you?"

[thedrifter]

Alligator pearls


An ignorant but well-meaning tourist was visiting a small Polynesian island when he came across a native man proudly displaying twenty alligator teeth slung about his neck in a decorative fashion.

"I guess you must prize alligator teeth the way we value pearls," said the tourist.

"More so," said the native. "Anyone can open up an oyster."

[thedrifter]

Pay for your transgression


Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said, "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name. Later, as he counted the money he found 2O five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown."

[thedrifter]

Project Managers

If you get in my way, I'll kill you! -- ideal project manager

If you get in my way, you'll kill me! -- somewhat less than ideal project manager

If I get in my way, I'll kill you! -- somewhat misguided project manager

If I get in your way, I'll kill you! -- A tough m. f. project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)

If get kill in will way I you. --dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager

I am the way! Kill me if you can! --messianic project manager

Get away, I'll kill us all! --suicidal project manager

If you kill me, I'll get in your way. --thoughtful but ineffective project manager

If I kill you I'll get in your way. --project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious

If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm. --project manager from New York

I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get killed. --project manager who is about to get in big trouble

If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares? --weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager

If I kill me, you'll get your way. --pragmatic project manager

Kill me, it's the only way. --every project manager to date.

[thedrifter]

"No solicitors" -- we mean it


We get hit up by door-to-door salespeople all the time, and they always seem to miss the "Absolutely no solicitors" sign on the door. My officemate put up a new sign:

To solicitors:

Please remove rings, watches, belt buckles, and other metal objects before entering. Our pit bull has trouble digesting such items. Thank you for your cooperation.

[thedrifter]

Two buddies, Ralph and Rob, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Rob throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"

Ralph says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, and tell Jane that someone threw up on
you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Rob rolls into home, and his wife, Jane, starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Rob says,

"Now wain aminit! I can e'splain everything (hick!)! Itsh not what you shink. I only had a couple drinks(hick!).
But thissss other guy got ssssick on me . He'd had one shoo many, (hick) and he jus couldn't hold hisss liquor.
He ssssaid he was bery slorry (hick) an' gave me twenty buckssss for the cleanin bill!"

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

"Oh, yeah...I almos' forgot, he ss**** in my pants, too."

[Barrio_rat]

I tell ya, I saw this and thought of Bones....

[Art Petersn]

>
> All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment,
> are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of
> Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both
society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone
marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the
Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the
Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:
>
> US Air Force Oath of Enlistment
>
> "I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the
> UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army,
> because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over
> waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any
form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a
valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by
their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I
will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all
times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of
"Basic Training". I will be a lean. Mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting,
civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am
superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before
stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and
will go home earlier every day. So help me God!"
> ________________
> Signature
> ________________
> Date
>
> US Army Oath of Enlistment
>
> "I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the
> UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to
> get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the
Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day
and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use
blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I
have a date. I will continue to tell my self that I am a fierce killing
machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the
only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I
acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service,
and bow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
> After completion of my sexual...er... I mean "Basic Training," I
> will attend a different Army school every other month and return
knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot
Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade
sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she
might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me
twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will
maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing
accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of
morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I
understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me
get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my
friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving
me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass
a placement exam. So help me God!"
> ________________
> Signature
> ________________
> Date
>
> US Navy Oath of Enlistment
>
> "I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years
> of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with
> Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought
the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live
in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why
not?">
> I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have
> my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I
understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,
and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter.
> I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the
> English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee
dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall,
hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great
pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks, and insignia, and
everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other
services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever
that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in
which case I will show up around 0930. I bow to hone my coffee
cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being
tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop., I consent to
being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I
realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to
the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues."
So help me Neptune!"
> ________________
> Signature
> ________________
> Date
>
> US Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment
>
> "I, (make up a name the police won't recognize),
> swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight...grunt...cammies...kill....fix
> bayonets...charge...slash...dig...burn...blowup... ugh...Air Force
> women...beer ...sailors wives...air strikes...yes SIR!...whiskey...
> liberty call...salute...Ooorah Gunny...grenades...women...OORAH! So
help me Chesty PULLER!"
> _________________Thumb Print
> XX__________________________Teeth Marks

[Phantom Blooper]

If you yelled for 8 years,7months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months enough of gas is produced to create the energy of the atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.( O. M. G.) A pigs orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)....(I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against the wall burns 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...maybe at work.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is still attached to the body.The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.("Honey I'm home. What the.....?!*) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.(30 minutes......lucky pig...can you imagine??) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty at the bottom of a pond?)Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life.....quality over quanity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.....)Right handed people,on average,live longer than left handed people. (If you are ambidextrous,do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.(OK so that would be a good thing.)A cats urine glows under a black light.(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)Polar bears are left handed.(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)Humans and dolphins are the only mammals that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

[thedrifter]

Kids say the funniest things

"Accent asked students at Columbus' Beck School, and Dublin's Chapman Elementary to study a list of 20 axioms with the key words missing."

<Here are a few of my favorites:>

--If you can't stand the heat, get a Pool.

--If you can't stand the heat, get out of the oven.

--A bird in the hand is messy.

--Don't count your chickens, eat them.

--You can't teach an old dog new math.

--When in Rome, do Roman numerals in math.

--When in Rome, do bulls run around town?

--Too many cooks, so little meals.

--A fool and his money are my best friends.

--A penny saved is one cent.

--Look before you run into a pole.

--A watched pot never disappears.

--A rolling stone makes you flat.

--A rolling stone is a singing rock group.

--Every cloud has a wet spot.

[thedrifter]

DL.HUMOR Entrance Exam

ENTRANCE EXAM FOR DL.HUMOR


Answer all questions. Time limit: 20 minutes. Choose your favorite answer for multiple choice questions.

1. How many <ethnics> does it take to change a lightbulb?


a. Four, one to change it and three to **** it up
b. One. And you think <ethnics> are stupid?
c. HAW HAW HAW SIXTEEN THEY'RE ALL HAVING SEX
WITH A DONKEY HAW HAW
d. Two, one to change the bulb, and one to hold the ladder

2. You see a really racist joke directed at a specific ethnic
group. You immediately:

a. Forward the message to HR and that person's manager
b. Reply to that person and suggest they not name the group
when sending jokes
c. Follow up with a ruder one about the same group
d. Make a snide comment about bigots

3. Which of the following is the funniest?

a. You can beat your wife but you can't beat a blow job
b. Hire the one with the biggest tits
c. The Little Yellow River by I.P. Daily
d. DL.HUMOR Entrance Exam by Maddi Hausmann



4-7 Each of the following paragraphs is an example of either (a) satire, (b) irony, (c) parody, or (d) reality. Identify them properly.
4. WHY DO WOMAN'S GENTITLES SMELL SO BAD? BECAUSE IF THAY DINT WE'D NEVER HAVE TIME TO DRINK BEER!!! HAW HAW HAW.

5. Since the quality of submissions to dl.humor has been dropping like a skydiver with a tangled parachute, from now on all messages must pass a screening committee, to be made up of John Lemon, Joe Cassavaugh, and Dave Kirby. Those people sending more than three jokes that are not actually funny will be removed from the humor distribution list for wasting Tandem resources. It has been scientifically proven that reading "humor" that is not humorous makes people less productive. Bob Marshall has required that this stop immediately. Thank you for your cooperation.

6. Funny Doctors Names! It's true! I had a doctor named Dr. No!

7. Effective immediately, the OSI project will be terminated. There are over 80 users on this project, and their compiles and tests have been interfering with the effective delivery of HUMOR messages. Those on the project have thirty days to either find other jobs or be terminated. In these cost-cutting days, priorities must be set, and clearly the need of 1600 members of the HUMOR list must supersede that of a fairly pointless software project.

8. Which of the following authors is your favorite?


a. Erma Bombeck
b. Joe Bob Briggs
c. Dave Barry
d. Craig Breighner

9. Jokes are funniest when:

a. A lot of similar ones are told all at once, so you can keep
refining them
b. THEY ARE TYPED IN CAPITAL LETTERS SO YOU
HEAR THEM BETTER
c. They are not expected
d. They are explained so you don't get confused

10. As a member of the HUMOR sig, I believe it is my duty to:

a. Reply to the entire list to let each and every member know
when their jokes make my day
b. Send every joke I ever heard from fourth grade, because if
it was funny then, it must be hilarious now
c. Send jokes that someone else just sent, because it was so
funny I want to spread the joy around again
d. Write parodies of official Tandem memos

11. If the jokes on HUMOR do not amuse me I should:

a. Send a message to the entire sig asking to resign
b. Write a parody of a message to the entire sig asking to resign
and then get all bent out of shape when no one recognizes it
was a joke
c. Write a long, scholarly treatise on how these jokes miss the mark
d. Send in slightly altered versions of the jokes to see if they
work better

12. A Tandem sales rep, an IBM sales rep, and a DEC sales rep are
stuck on a desert island. Which is the best way to end this
joke?

a. The IBM rep drowns trying to <deleted> the DEC rep
b. The Tandem rep finds a way off the island without the other
two knowing.
c. The Tandem rep sells $3 million worth of orders to the other
two while they await rescue
d. I'm pretty happy seeing as many sales reps stuck on desert
islands as possible

13. The problem with most jokes about lawyers is that

a. They usually are not about sex
b. They aren't long enough
c. They are fundamentally statements that lawyers cannot be trusted
d. They are true

14. The reason to put a ``WARNING F6 IF YOU DON'T LIKE JOKES
ABOUT ...'' message before a joke is

a. So people who would otherwise complain to HR won't read
the joke
b. To alert those who love really salacious stuff that a
good one is coming
c. Because everyone else is doing it
d. Because the warning is probably funnier than the joke

15. Why do some people send in jokes typed in all capital letters?

a. THEY ARE LAZY AND HAVE EVERY RIGHT TOO
b. SO YOU CAN READ THEM FASTER
c. BECAUSE THEY WANT TO GET IN YOUR FACE
EVEN BY MAIL
d. THEY HAVEN'T FOUND THE CAPS LOCK KEY YET

16. An engineer, a physicist, a math major, and a psychologist were
caught in a burning building. Which one got out alive?

a. The psychologist, he knew it was all in his head
b. The engineer, he knew the building was a firetrap
c. The math major, he saw this joke was derivative
d. The physicist, he knew hot air rises, just like most
of the jokes sent to dl.humor



SCORING: Get Real

IF YOUR SCORE IS NEGATIVE, YOU ARE OFF THE SIG!!!!!! thank gawd.

[thedrifter]

20 Things That Never Happen in "Star Trek"

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.

6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.

19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

But we still love it, right kids?

[thedrifter]

More Stuff You Never See on Star Trek

Some other things that never happen on Star Trek...

A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise birthday party.

A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or whatever.

McCoy says, "On second thought, maybe I'm a carpenter and NOT a doctor after all."

The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.

Kirk meets a woman whom he's known for years but never had sex with.

Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.

Kirk says, "Uhura, I'm frightened."

Kirk gets court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.

A Klingon says to a companion, "Hey, I like you."

Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.

An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing in any way.

Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character lives.

Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.

The crew of the original Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and nobody suffers major emotional trauma.

A major character dies and isn't resurrected.

The mysterious giant threatening object is on a direct course for some world other than Earth.

Somebody says, "You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid! What is it, a Close Encounters reject?"

Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of the galaxy obsolete.

McCoy says, "He'll live, Jim."

[Ed: My own additions]

Somebody vacations on a planet other than Raisa.

A major character has a serious character flaw.

A VIP visitor to the Enterprise is not a relative, lover or close friend of a major character.

[thedrifter]

Hell


Mr. Cody was a well-known rector of a protestant church. One day he had been playing golf and after having a shower he was resting in the club room, dressed in a bathrobe. A stranger comes in, looks at him and tries in vain to remember who this guy is. Finally, he asks:

Where in Hell have I seen you before?

Cody: I don't know. Which part of Hell are you from?

[thedrifter]

Buying votes

Pres. Bush, (NY) Gov. Cuomo, and (NJ) Gov. Florio are flying on a plane together. When they passed over New York, Cuomo wrote his name on two one dollar bills and threw them from the plane. Florio very curious about this action asked him why he had done it. Cuomo responded that he had just won two votes.

Florio, not wishing to be outdone, wrote his name on two one hundred dollar bills and threw them from the plane once they reached New Jersey. This caught the attention of President Bush, who inquired about this action. Florio explained about just winning two votes.

A few minutes later, Pres. Bush shoved both Cuomo and Florio from the plane. The pilot was shocked and asked the President why in the world he just killed two Governors. The President responded, "Simple, I just won two states."

[thedrifter]

Improve World League American Football

Top ten proposed improvements for World League American Football for 1992
10. After ``big plays,'' pictures of players and what they really do for a living.

9. Winner of World Bowl plays NCAA division I runner-up.

8. Two expansion teams: the North Dakota Boredom and the Idaho Oat Bran.

7. Fans allowed to participate on 4th down.

6. Bodacious-bouncing-cheerleader-cam.

5. Homer Simpson will be the announcer for the Monday night game.

4. ``Fan-appreciation'' night where the first 40,000 fans at any US home game get a free beer.

3. Use of wrestling referees who "miss vital calls."

2. Football-cam (now you can see the action at the source!)

1. Pre-season WLAF.

[thedrifter]

Heart Attack

"Jokes for women only" (Men, please excuse

A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed. "Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"

[thedrifter]

Popular European Languages

A small survey of some popular European languages:

Spanish-- Everything you say makes you sound hungry.

Russian--There are 33 different ways to say, "Comrade, pass the Vodka or I shoot you."

French--Every French sentence carries the implicit connotation that you want to have sex with the person you are talking to.

German--The German word for "hello" is "Echsteinlefahrtengruber." The German translation for "Hey Hans, what say tomorrow morning we climb into our tanks and roll over Poland?" is "Hans, Poland, ja?"

[thedrifter]

Joke from AstroPhysicist Boyfriend


An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the same lecture night after night. He confided this state of mind to his chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination. The chauffeur expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.

"I've got it!" said the astronomer. "You are bored with driving and I am weary of lecturing. Let's exchange places for one night. It will be a refreshing change for both of us. My lecture is all written out word for word and nobody in the next town knows me by sight anyway." The driver agreed and the exchange of roles and dress was made. That night the lecture hall filled to capacity. At the appointed time those in attendance heard a flawlessly delivered lecture. At its conclusion the lecturer basked in the euphoric applause. Then came the question and answer period.

"Who discovered Uranus?" came from a boy in the front.

"Uh...William Herschel." He remembered that from somewhere.

"And who discovered Pluto?" continued the boy.

"Aaaa...that would be Clyde Tombaugh." He had read a little.

Then from the back: "Would you please comment on the relative merits of the pulsation instability model and the accretion disk instability model for the explanation of outbursts of cataclysmic variable stars?"

The speaker paused for a moment, then said, "I am surprised that you would bother to ask me such a simple question. To show you how really simple it is I shall have my chauffeur answer it for you."

[thedrifter]

DRUNKARD AND THE GHOST.....

A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One
of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making
several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest
was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human
waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possible
face.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the
bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets
landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his
arms which drew the attention of the security guard.

The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?"

And the drunk replied, "I just beat the **** out of a
ghost...!"

[thedrifter]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling
children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he
said. "Have you thought it out completely" "Sure," his young son
answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.
It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the
night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy
answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When
you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not
going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step
on it!"

[Art Petersn]

A woman was leaving the 7-11 Store with her morning coffee when

she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the

nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second

long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse

was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind,

were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached

the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss,

and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a

funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my

Husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two

women.

Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[thedrifter]

The Top Reasons When You Know You Have Been “Over Here” Too Long

10. You think a “West Coast Marine” is someone who lives at CampRhino

9. You know that 1 or two beers will make you dance on the tables and give up your car keys.

8. When you can tell the time by the prayer callers.

7. The Camp PAO solicits for a “Top 10 Ways You Know You’ve Been Over Here Too Long” List

6. The only reading entertainment left is going from porta-john to porta-john

5. Anything under 110 degrees is “kind of a nice day, and a good time for a quick run.” 4. You think that tan is the only color.

3. Sandstorms are second nature, and you welcome them because it gets cooler outside

2. When you end a personal phone conversation by saying “out”.

AND, THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW YOU’VE BEEN “OVER HERE” TOO LONG.
1. YOU ARE AT PEACE WITH THE FLIES!

[Phantom Blooper]

Shortly after President Bush took office,an old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Avenue where he was sitting on a park bench. He spoke with the U.S. Marine and said, "I would like to speak to President Clinton." The Marine looked at the man and said,"Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man walked away and said "Okay." The following day the same man approached the White House and the same Marine was on duty and he said," I would like to speak to President Clinton."The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man thanked him and again walked away and said "Okay."The third day the same man approached the same Marine and said,"I would like to go in and meet President Clinton." The Marine was agitated at this point and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you come here asking to speak to President Clinton and I have told you three days in a row that Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here.Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said," Oh I understand, I just love hearing it!":marine:

[Phantom Blooper]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,I can't even get in to my own pants.... Marriage changes passion. Suddenly your in bed with a relative.... I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said "Inplants?" She hit me......I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up to fast.....I live in my own little world. It's okay they know me here.....I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or moaner.....I don't approve of political jokes.I seen to many of them get elected....There are two sides to every divorce. Yours and sh*theads....I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person to annoy for the rest of your life.....I am nobody,and nobody is perfect,therefore, I am perfect....Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.....Isn't a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in the swimming pool?....Why is it that most nudists are people that you don't want to see naked?.....Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled....Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up,you don't know where it's been!".........:banana:

[thedrifter]

Corporate Approved Politically Correct Jokes


WRONG: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?

This joke is offensive to two classes of people, blondes and coffee drinkers. It might also offend people who do not drink coffee for religious reasons.

RIGHT: Why can't pigmentally-challenged individuals take a short rest between job tasks?

Because the Mail Police are reading this joke.

WRONG: How do you kill a pink elephant?

This joke has many problems, as it is offensive to environmentalists, vegetarians, and elephants of all colors. It also promotes racism and classism among elephants, and, perhaps, among other species as well. It should not be sent to the HUMOR sig for these reasons.

RIGHT: How do you address an elephant of any color whatsoever?

Ask the Mail Police for full instructions.

WRONG: How do you double the value of a Yugo?

This joke would not be allowed because it offends Yugoslavians, other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes against the Communist belief system that material goods are provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have no monetary value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-sig will also feel uncomfortable because this joke encourages automobile use.

RIGHT: How do you improve a vehicle?

Confirm with the Mail Police that the vehicle is allowed on Tandem Mail.

WRONG: An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a psychologist are stuck in a burning building. Who gets out alive?

This message should not be sent because it encourgages classism, elitism, and implies that those who study different disciplines deserve to perish in a tragedy through no fault of their own. Tandem Values require respect for all individuals in all jobs they do.

RIGHT: Four Tandemites are stuck in a burning building. How do you rescue all of them before it collapses?

First meet with the Mail Police to be sure no favoritism is shown towards any group in whom is rescued initially.

WRONG: How do you make love to an <ethnic> woman?

There are so many reasons this joke is inappropriate for Tandem mail that this memo cannot begin to catalog all of them. Hiding behind the designator <ethnic> does not absolve the joke-sender of sending abusive mail messages to protected groups, because it is usually quite clear which group is being slandered. In any event, the sobriquet <ethnic> implies that non-ethnics are in some way superior, which goes against Tandem Values.

The joke also shows a lack of respect for women in two ways. First, it implies that the teller and listener of the joke are both male. No joke of that sort should be sent, because this precludes women from feeling fully accepted at Tandem. Second, it implies that the woman can only be satisfied one particular way, and that this rests outside of her, i.e. she needs a man to be complete. Finally, this joke excludes gays and lesbians since it has a heterosexualist bias.

RIGHT: How does a Tandemite get satisfaction?

Have the Mail Police ensure no one is offending anyone else.

WRONG: What happens when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a dyslexic agnostic?

Jokes that demean religious groups are unacceptable. This includes people who choose not to practice religion. Dyslexics are an example of a handicapped class and should not be insulted. This joke is offensive to creationists because it implies that evolution proceeds due to inter-species mating habits. Members of certain religious groups may also find these random matings offensive to their belief systems.

RIGHT: Tell me the best way all religious groups can feel comfortable working together at Tandem.

I'll have the Mail Police explain that to you right away.

WRONG: A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini.

Since a number of Tandem employees are uncomfortable with the problems of alcohol, jokes should not be set in bars or at social gatherings noted for alcohol usage.

RIGHT: A gorilla walks into a hardware store and orders a martini.

WRONG: An IBM salesman is stuck on a desert island.

Desert islands make reference to the recent Gulf War, and should be avoided. It is also against Tandem values to make jokes about the competition. Simply describing their products is all the humor that's necessary.

RIGHT: An IBM AS/400 is set up in a room at 105 degrees Fahrenheit (40 C). The Mail Police are called to see if it crashes, which it probably will.

WRONG: Which doesn't belong, meat, wife, or blowjob?

Haven't you learned anything yet? This joke is sexist and offensive to women and vegetarians.

RIGHT: Which doesn't belong, ethics, values, or Mail Police?

WRONG: A man's penis size doesn't matter, unless you're having sex with him.

That doesn't mean you can make fun of men, just because they're the dominant class. Besides, these jokes usually trigger a barrage of anti-female ones, and then we're back to Lawsuit City.

RIGHT: A Tandemite's paycheck size doesn't matter, unless they're arguing with the Mail Police.

WRONG: How many CNN reporters does it take to change a light bulb?

Tandem Values preclude mention of corporate entities, such as CNN in this example. The whole category of light bulb jokes is also contraindicated, as General Electric may choose to sue over improper use of their product.

RIGHT: How many TTN reporters does it take to produce "First Friday?"

Wait a minute, the Mail Police want to be sure this isn't a violation of something.

WRONG: What did Pee-Wee Herman say to Jeffrey Dahmer?

Can't you do anything right? It's "What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee-Wee Herman?" and the answer is "Stop playing with my food."

[thedrifter]

Heavenly Baseball


The devil calls up St. Peter and says, "Let's have a baseball game - my people against your people."

St. Peter thinks this over, checks his populace, and says, "Sure, but you're gonna lose - I've got all the hall of famers up here."

"Maybe so," replies the devil, "but I've got all the umpires!"

[thedrifter]

Whose country is it?

A man was hitchhiking across the country just prior to a presidential election and had hit upon a technique for getting free drinks in bars by guessing which candidate was less popular and then loudly badmouthing them. He went into a bar in Colorado and yelled, "Carter is a horse's ass!" To his surprise, he was promptly thrown outside into the dirt. He picked himself up and went into another bar, shouting, "Reagan is a horse's ass!" Seconds later, he was eating dust again.

Seeing a cowboy nearby, he called out, "Hey, fella! If this ain't Carter country and it ain't Reagan country, whose country is it?"

The cowboy replied, "Son, this is horse country!"

[thedrifter]

Not quite Wright...

A metaphor is like a simile.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

I bought a portable cable tv.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5," but I can't find the first four anywhere.

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.

[thedrifter]

Let's make like .....


Let's:


...make like a tree and leave.
...make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.
...make like a bird and flock off
...make like horse sh!t and hit the trail.
...make like a banana and split.
...make like a missile and cruise.
...make like a fetus and head out.
...make like a baby and head out.
...make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.
...make like a drum and beat it.
...make like a drummer and beat it.
...make like a bee and buzz off.
...make like Diarrhea and run
...make like a tire and hit the road
...make like Linda Lovelace and blow.
...make like a terrorist and blow this place.
...make like a busboy and get the fork out of here.
...make like a douche and get the **** out of there.
...make like a strawberry and jam.
...make like traffic and jam.
...make like stockings and run.
...make like a sock and run.
...make like a loaf of French bread and baguette.
...make like a bakery truck and haul buns outta' here.
...make like a bread truck and haul buns.
...make like a Bakery truck and Move your buns.
We're off like a prom dress!!!
...make like a prom dress and take off.
We're off like pants in the dark.
...make like the devil and get the hell out of here.
...make like the Red Sea and split.
...make like the Red Sea and part.
...make like a banana in the presence of ice cream and split
...make like an amoeba and split...!
...make like the wind and blow.
...make like a tomato and Ketch-up.
...make like a driver and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like a teamster and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like a hippy and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like the Dead and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like lightning and bolt.
...make like a Nut and Bolt.
...make like a rectum and get the sh*t out of here.
...make like a donkey's d!ck and hit the road.
...make like [insert name of unpopular politician or personality] and blow.
...make like Michael Jackson and "Beat it!"
...make like a hippy and blow this place.
...make like Santa Claus and leave your presents (presence)!
...make like Tom and Cruise.
...make like Pablo and Cruise.
...make like Pablo and Pick Ass Off here. (?)
...make like a Hewlett Packard Laser Printer and jet.
...make like a jacket and zip.
...make like a magnet and flux off.
...make like Levi's and fade away.
...make like a bowel, and move.
...make like a tie and hang around some more.
...make like a botanist and leaf.
...make like a dog and flea.
...make like a register and shift.
...make like newlyweds; remain in bed all day. (or go to bed early.)
...make like an unstructured program, and go (to).
...make like Houdini and disappear
...make like a mongrel and get lost
...make like a teeny-bopper singer and fade away
...make like data and move
...make like make(1) and update (your location)
...make like a football and kickoff
...make like a baseball player and home-run
...make like rot13 and shpx bss
...make like a pound and quid (quit).
...make like a jet and zoom.
...make like an airplane and take off.
...make like a hat and go on ahead.
...make like an atom and split.
...make like a Catholic and pull out.
...make like The Exorcist and get the hell outta here.
...make like rain and get the hail out of here.
I'm going to take a sedimental journey and precipitate outta here.
I'm off like exit(0).
Let us leave (lettuce leaf) (only works for 2+, obviously)
Off like a dirty shirt.
Off like the brides pajamas.
We're off lika a bride's nightie...
Put an egg in my shoe and beat it.
Why don't you make like an ******* and post exit lines?
Hanging in there like stink on a stockyard boot.
Act like yesterdays lunch, go down and out the back.


Award Winners...




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The award winner for the most relevant and irrelevant contribution;
There were other versions (corrections... sheesh!) but this was the first.
And don't forget my favorite (from Back to the Future):


"Make like a tree, McFly. Get outta here."
--AMS


The award winner for the most tasteless contribution;


...make like an abortion and head out early.




BONUS JOKE-

What the marketing director of a major condom manufacturing company said when asked to come up with a new gimmick for their new line of condoms;

"Let's make like bullfrogs and ribbit"

[thedrifter]

More Music Jokes


Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a saxophone?

A: Vibrato.

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but I could've done better."

Q: How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?

A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

So this trumpet player dies, see? And when he reaches his everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, OK? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."

[thedrifter]

Airplane passengers

This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

[thedrifter]

The Jack of All Trades

Unless his father is rich, a graduate student in computer science will most likely end up supporting himself by working on university research projects or, if he doesn't speak English, by teaching undergraduates. These students make less than a freelance can recycler. A few students work part-time at a useful craft or trade that supports them in comfort. I decided that I would practice such a trade: Professional sperm donation, the jack of all trades.

During my first visit to the sperm bank, I was taken to the office of the doctor in charge. His walls were covered by medical degrees and citations for his achievements in sperm preservation. One of the citations said "Honorable Discharge," which I thought was a bit grandiose.

"It is of the utmost importance that semen samples remain sterile," the doctor explained.

"Sterile semen?" I oxymoroned.

"Thus, samples must be produced by unassisted direct manual stimulation of the genital protuberance."

"Huh?"

"Choke the purple-helmeted love nazi."

"Oh."

"Furthermore, before the production of each sample, there must be three days of abstinence."

"Three days? 4320 minutes! Is that really a good idea?" I had visions of being rushed to the emergency room to have my scrotum lanced and drained as it expanded like a Jiffy Pop bag. "I'm no doctor, but I think an hour of abstinence is enough. I mean, we're not aging a fine wine, are we?..."

I was scheduled for a donor room, where I would have to deliver samples, piping hot, in 30 minutes or less. I didn't know if I could become aroused under such conditions. I was of an impressionable age when I first saw Racquel Welch in "Fantastic Voyage," and afterward I could only be aroused by women who wore rubber diving suits and were covered by foot-long antibodies. (These days, having your partner in a rubber suit covered with large antibodies is not a bad idea.) I've since grown out of this habit. Although now I can only become aroused by a woman if she turns the letters on my "Wheel of Fortune" board game. I decided to get some men's magazines for immoral support.

As a teenager I found Penthouse to be highly stimulating. (As a teenager I found everything to be highly stimulating. I had to take up tennis just to explain my tennis elbow.) However, Penthouse photographs are often rendered in a diffused soft focus, which is why you go blind. Eyestrain is the reason you often see men crying when they read the magazine.

Once, when I was fourteen, my father wondered if he should get a subscription to Penthouse. "Great idea!" I panted. "It offers an insightful editorial posture and interviews with personalities of topical interest."

He shrugged indifferently.

"You have to get it! You absolutely have to! It offers guides to fashion and accessories, goddammit!" I shrieked before passing out. Now I've started to actually read those articles. I used to put magazines under my mattress so they wouldn't be found; now they're there for lower back support.

I thought that, if I'm going to be a professional in a medical facility, I should forget the over-the-counter products like Penthouse and look for more potent prescription remedies in the shops of the red light district.

These magazines did not have interviews with personalities of topical interest. Their titles generally were the names of female body parts. One was called "Female Body Parts." The magazines might serve a medical professional as references of female anatomy and its many diseases, but they were too much for me. I settled for this month's issue of "NBC Anchorwomen in Chains."

As it turned out, I was able to wield Excalibur without anxiety in the clinic's donor room, and I looked forward to returning there on my twice-weekly visits. I didn't appreciate it at first, but I eventually realized what a terrific room it was. It had a wicked, shameless chair, a voluptuous, come-hither lamp and a coy, pouting paper towel dispenser. However, the room was small, or perhaps it only seemed so because when there I was usually homo erectus, so I was constantly upsetting lamps and clearing shelves. Okay, maybe not.

I produced so many test specimens that the doctor could have built an infant from scratch and avoided conception altogether. But after several weeks, the testing was over and I was sent back to the doctor's office.

He said that I had been accepted into the program: my sperm count was five times higher than average.

There it was. In seconds, I had become an awesome engine of fertility, a sexual force to be feared. Condoms and diaphragms could be shredded by my Zulu sperm cells as their superior numbers overwhelmed the British outpost of the ovum. My minions could overcome any female contraceptive resistance and commit countless acts of microscopic date rape. My ego was further engorged by the fact I'd finally met someone who wanted me just for my body. I was a sex object, meat on the hoof. The doctor obliged by talking about me in the cold quantities of sperm counts and motilities, reciting my "tale of the tape" as us pro athletes call it. He also referred to donor candidates by number instead of name to preserve anonymity. To the doctor I was The Man With No Name, a hired gun.

"A hun'rd and ten million! That's pretty good shootin', stranger. What'd you say your name was again?"

"I didn't say...."

From now on, I would be paid. My one-armed bandit had consistently hit the jackpot, and now I was going to cash in. Some guys think their penis has a mind of its own. Mine had a career of its own.

It was during my next visit, as I approached the main desk, that I first saw her: Candy the candystriper.

I had never been particular about my women. Two X chromosomes sufficed. But Candy was different. Perhaps it was the three days of fluid backing up into my brain that made her look like an angel floating toward me. Perhaps it was her helium breast implants. All I knew was that I wanted to suckle that bosom till I talked like Donald Duck.

She noticed my groin, which bulged handsomely due to