Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Changing Tires


This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands. "Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold, he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation, between her legs. He finally finishes the job and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.

She looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?"

[thedrifter]

Lawyer Jokes

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it " ...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"

"I'm from the phone company," Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."

[thedrifter]

A short dictionary of construction terminology

Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.

Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.

Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.

Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

Auditor - Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.

Lawyer - Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.

[thedrifter]

Self Amusement


Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some whacko aunt or uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's your fist. Thank God other parts of our bodies are dumber.

[thedrifter]

Personal Questions


Did you hear about the 10-year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.

He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.

The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question again. He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked what he was doing and as he turned toward his mother, he beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license.

He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced you because you got an `F' in sex."

[thedrifter]

Sex in Bed


A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and have at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.

During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed, ... and finds four Chinese men.

[thedrifter]

More Sex in Bed


Gomer went into town for some R & R when he met up with a very attractive young lady. After talking to Gomer for over an hour, she invited him to her apartment for dinner. Upon arriving at the apartment, the lady laid down on the bed and said,"Do you know what I want?" Gomer, looking confused, said "No." The lady then removed her clothes. "Now do you know what I want?" Gomer shook his head. The lady then spread her legs slightly. "Now do you know what I want?" Gomer again shook his head. The lady spread her legs as wide as she could, her heels touching each side of the bed. "NOW, do you know what I want?" "Yes, ma'am," Gomer replied, "You're tired, you want to take a nap, and you want the whole bed to yourself."

[thedrifter]

Grading methods


Dept. of Statistics:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.


Dept. of Psychology:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.


Dept. of History:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.


Dept. of Religion:
- Grade is determined by God.


Dept. of Philosophy:
- What is a grade?


Law school:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.


Dept. of Mathematics:
- Grades are variable.


Dept. of Logic:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.


Dept. of Computer Science:
- Random number generator determines grade.


Music department:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).


Dept. of Physical Education:
- Everybody gets an A.

[thedrifter]

Follow through

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

[thedrifter]

Near-Death Experience


DJ Henry "The Bull" Del Toro was imitating an old man talking about his younger years...)

I had a near death experience. I was driving home one night with my fourth wife and two couples we were friendly with. All of a sudden, the car flips over and we're all standin' at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at one of the couples I was with and says to the man, "You're so cheap, you married a woman named Penny. Go to Hell!" St. Peter then looks at the next couple we were with and says to the man, "Why, you're such a boozer, you married a woman named Brandy. Go to Hell!" So I says to my wife, "Come on, Fanny, we're out of here!"

[Barrio_rat]

GOOD

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball. "He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[Phantom Blooper]

United Airlines passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everybody in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.As the plane prepared to descend,he came swishing down the isle and announced to the passengers,"Captain Marvey,has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly,lovely people,so if you can just put your trays up that would be super." On his trip back up the isle,he noticed that a well dressed,rather exotic middle eastern woman hadn't moved a muscle."Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy- poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."She calmly turned her head and said,"In my country, I am a princess,and I take orders from no one."To which the flight attendant replied, with out missing a beat,"Well sweet cheeks in my country,I'm considered a Queen,so I out rank you.Put the tray up, B..ch!":)

[thedrifter]

Anybody home?

telephone sales person makes a call to an unknown prospect and a very small, very soft, very quiet, and obviously young person answers the phone.

Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?

Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy.

Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?

Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.

Sales person: I see, how about your brother? Can I speak to him?

Youngster: (whispering) No. He's busy too.

Sales person: (losing patience) Is your sister there? Can I talk to her?

Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.

Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that keeps them so busy?!!!

Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.

[thedrifter]

Mysteries of the Overblown


Announcing, from Low-Life Books,


MYSTERIES OF THE OVERBLOWN


This provocative new book series provides amazingly arbitrary explanations to events which lie entirely within ordinary reality. Just listen to some of the stories described within ...

o In Malibu, CA, a woman suddenly feels that her grandson in New York has just received a phone call bringing terrible news. She places a frantic, long distance call ... and the line is busy.


...IT'S DISMISSED AS COINCIDENCE


o A group of youths in a wooded clearing are held aloft by an unseen force. They report hearing "wow, like, really freaky noises, man."


...IT'S DISMISSED AS "BAD" ACID


o As reported by dozens of observers, numerous glowing lights appear in the night sky over Denver, remaining until dawn.


...IT'S DISMISSED AS STARS


o In Lynchburg, VA, a man sticks a fork in a toaster when suddenly a bolt of energy shoots up his arm, knocking him unconscious.


...IT'S DISMISSED AS STUPIDITY


We can no longer afford to ignore things which may not be complete fabrications. Act now and you'll receive the exciting first book, "THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT." After that, you'll receive one book per month. If you don't want it, send it back within 30 seconds for a full refund. Many exciting titles await, from "SPOOKY NOISES" to "HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE REALLY FROM ANOTHER PLANET."

Each book is $89.90, billable in 10 monthly installments of


ONLY $8.99 EACH!!

[thedrifter]

An imperfect sex manual


Dear Sir,

One knows that publishing standards are declining, but I have never been so shocked and appalled by the number of misprints in a single publication. I refer, of course, to your "100 Easy Steps to Martial (sic) Satisfaction." Some of the advice therein is rendered misleading, dangerous or even illegal by such errors.

For instance, on page 212, one is enjoined to `carefully place a condor on your penis...' Later, on the same page, we are told to `stroke the beast, stimulating the erectile tissue at its tip', a course of action that I fancy even trained falconers would eschew. Elsewhere, my partner actually followed to the letter (pardon my little joke) the instructions to `fondle your mans bills' (p39) and `give him a long, slow message' (p128), both of which proved positively anaphrodisiac. And no one, surely, outside ancient Carthage has `punic hair' (p56) or uses a `dido' (p337). In chapter 1, the recommended `fissionary position' (p6) sounds a little explosive for beginners...

[thedrifter]

Official Politically Correct Terms for 1991

New Official Politically Correct Terms for 1991.
You Must Comply


Old New

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

conservative reactionary
The Establishment White Power Elite
hearing person temporarily aurally abled
sighted person temporarily visually abled
blind visually challenged
mute vocally challenged
dead metabolically different
alive temporarily metabolically abled
ugly aesthetically challenged
rude politically correct (tm)
psychopath socially misaligned
bald follicularly challenged
non-white, non-male oppressed
white melanin impoverished/genetically oppressive
white male oppressor
black african-american
asian asian-american
afro-american african-american

pregnancy parasitic oppression

janitor sanitation engineer
dish washer utensil sanitizer

dairy where cows are raped
ranch where cattle are murdered
egg ranch where hens are raped

biology department where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of the imperialistic drug companies

fishing raping the oceans
farming exploiting mother earth

paper bag processed tree carcass
female person of gender
horn-dog person of ardor
drooling drunk idiot person on floor
group of whites L.A.P.D.
girl pre-womin
boy oppressor to be

[thedrifter]

Diplomacy


Lord George Brown, when the band struck up at an embassy function, asked: "Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with me?"

"Certainly not," was the reply. "First, you are drunk. Second, it is not a waltz, but the Venezualan national anthem; and third, I am not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal nuncio."

[thedrifter]

Star Trek Christmas songs


to the tune of "Let it Snow")



Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
but still we must boldly go--
make it so, make it so, make it so.

From William Riker (to the tune of "Deck the Halls")

Here's a vexing Christmas riddle
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
Why must I play second fiddle?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
How can I impress Deanna
(fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
When I'm number two banana?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)

From Wesley Crusher (to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")

I'm at Starfleet Academy and I'd just like to say
I miss the opportunity to weekly save the day--
To make things worse I have to be
In some dumb Christmas play!
Yes I'm bright, though I'm just a teenaged boy, teenaged boy,
And the Enterprise was my most favorite toy.

From Data

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
jingle all the way!
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh--



or so I am reliably informed, lacking a subjective and intuitively perceived referent for the term "fun," I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat color the-- yes, sir.

[thedrifter]

Energizer(tm) commercial

A TV commercial I'd like to see, but probably never will . . .

Wife: Honey! Honey! I'm pregnant! We're going to have a baby!

Husband: Really? Are you sure? How do you know?

Wife: Well, because the rabbit finally died . . .

[Wife brings the Energizer(TM) rabbit by the ears into camera view. Rabbit looks at camera, grins, and then dies (goes limp).]

Narrator: Energizer(TM) , It keeps going, and going, and going, until it's too late .

[thedrifter]

Two old folks' jokes


A young man is jogging through a park when he sees an old man sitting on a bench sobbing. Concerned, he stops by the bench. "Is there anything I can do for you, sir?"

"Oh," sobs the old man, "everything's wonderful. I just married a gorgeous twenty-year old who'll do anything for me, and even my children love her. We have a beautiful house, a pool..."

"So what's the matter?" the puzzled young man asks.

"I can't remember where I live!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

[thedrifter]

Guide to Safe Fax


Q: Do I have to be married to have fax?

A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?

A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?

A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?

A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q: Should a cover always be used before faxing?

A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe fax.

[fabboss]

it all depends on what you say....


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that bathrobe.

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a Preacher whose wife was expecting a baby,so he went to the congregation and requested that he be given a raise.After much consideration and discussion,the congregation passed a rule that when the preachers family expanded ,so would his paycheck.After five or six children,it started to get expensive so the congregation decided to hold another meeting,to discuss the preachers pay.There was much yelling and bickering on how much the preachers children were costing the church. Finally the preacher got up and spoke to the congregation and said..."HAVING CHILDREN IS AN ACT OF GOD!" In a the back of the room a little old man in his frail voice said, "SNOW AND RAIN ARE ALSO ACTS OF GOD,BUT WHEN WE GET TO MUCH, WE WEAR RUBBERS!":bunny:

[thedrifter]

Keep on Truckin'


Two Kentuckians [or your favorite ethnic/social group] were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high. They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it!"

[thedrifter]

Nuns and large families.

There was a nun doing charity work in a large metropolitan hospital. As she was walking by the nursery, she encountered a man looking through the window at a newborn.

"Is that your child?" said the nun.

"Why, yes, it is sister. She was born this morning," said the man.

"Are you Catholic, young man?"

"Yes, sister."

"How many children do you have?"

"This is our twelfth child. We are hoping for more."

"Your twelfth child! How magnificent. God has truly blessed you. I shall remember you in my prayers."

"Thank you sister," said the man.

Later that same day, the nun encountered another man at the nursery.

"Is that your child, young man."

"Yes, sister, it is. I am very proud of her."

"Are you Catholic, young man?"

"No sister, I am not."

"How many children do you have?"

"This is our ninth child."

The nun was shocked and gasped, "Sex maniac."

[thedrifter]

Chocolate Layer Cake 1040


Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.)

Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.

Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.

Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.

Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.

Line 5b. Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.

Line 5c. Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour.

Line 6. Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.

Line 7. Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.

Line 8. Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q.

Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions.

Line 9. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)

Line 10. Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m "For the Birds."

Line 11. Add vanilla.

Line 12. In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder.

Line 13. Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).

Line 14. Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9x13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9x13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, "Fresh Fruit Desserts."

Happy Taxes!

[thedrifter]

Hi-tech haikus

one with nintendo
halcyon symbiosis
hand thinks for itself

cold matsu****a
their technology stronger
enslaves our people

midori ito
girl finds glory, is broken
they can rebuild her

honda seatcovers
winter warm and summer cool
little lambs no more

the sand remembers
once there was beach and sunshine
but chip is warm too

oh no godzilla
guns and planes cannot stop him
tokyo is ablaze

samurai fighter
keyboard and mouse are his sword
digital battles

DAT arrives
frequency notch treachery
people are not fooled

young Sony worker
innocent hands build Walkman
tears run down faces

[thedrifter]

Vasectomy


A West Virginia man, considering getting a vasectomy, decided to discuss it with his priest.

The priest gave him various bits of advice, and suggested that he discuss it with his doctor.

The doctor likewise advised him on various aspects, and on discovering that he hadn't talked to his family about it yet, urged him to do so.

His family voted 14-4 in favor of it.

[thedrifter]

Sorry, wrong number.


A friend of mine received a phone call. "Who is this?" a woman's voice answered.

"Whom do you want to speak to?" my friend asked.

"Did you say `whom'?" the caller inquired after a somewhat startled pause.

"Yes," my friend said.

"I have the wrong number," the caller said. Then she hung up.

[thedrifter]

To Err is Hitler


The following began life as a Top Ten list of "Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler." it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular nationality (read, the French.) You'll have to excuse the fact that some of them are rather obscure, but that's what happens when you get a bunch of political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you...

Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler


Land War in Asia
Changed name from highly catchy "Schickelgruber" to boring "Hitler"
Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects
Not buying lifts for his shoes
Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
Failure to exploit Eva Braun
Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image
Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan
Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
Free beer in munitions plants
Lisp never corrected
Bad toupee
Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
Fell asleep in staff meetings
Chose Italy as ally
Land War in Asia
Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably like a bullseye from the air
Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
Never had fireside mass rallies
Told Einstein he had a stupid name
Used SS instead of LAPD
Admired Napoleon's strategy
Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him constantly
In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii
Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war advice
Major theme in speeches--liebensraum, or "living room"--widely misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess' pilot licence.
****ed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
Breast feeding for too long
Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR
Drank too much at Beer Hall Putsch
Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own escape.
Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland
Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion of Soviet Union
Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberlin in power
Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the fjords
Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited for the punchline)
Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar for "Best Foreign Documentary"--"You don't like me" speech undermined image.
Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in a can"
Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the "Oberdude"
Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a wimp?"
Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the last second
Failed to encourage tourism
Being born
Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
Alienated Chamberlin at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his back
Kept Colonel Klink in command
Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled threat
Used same astrologer as the Reagans

[thedrifter]

Bovine Family


prize bull and a prize cow got together and decided they'd have a little prize calf. So they did. When he was born, they decided he'd have the best of everything--food, education, ... So they kept him in a little compound separated from the hoi polloi. But as he reached puberty, he looked out through the chain-link fence at all the cows out there, and drooled. He would back up to the far corner of his pen, and study the top of the barbed-wire topped fence. He always concluded he couldn't make it. But one day, he decided he was big and strong enough. He backed up to the farthest corner, and ran like hell. He jumped over the fence, and made it, almost. Just then, papa bull came ambling along the fence line, noticed his son bleeding, noticed what was hanging on the barbed wire atop the fence, noticed his son bleeding ... At last he consoled his son: Don't worry, son, you can always be a consultant.

[thedrifter]

Drinking and driving


A cop is waiting across the street from a bar parking lot late on a Saturday night, watching for drunks trying to drive home. After a short wait, one particularly sad case stumbles out the door, front of his shirt soaked, bleary-eyed, confused, wandering the parking lot looking for his car. He locates his car, fumbles for his keys, gets in (bumping his head in the process) and drives off, bumping the curb on the way.

Of course he doesn't get very far at all before the cop is on him, and he immediately pulls over. The cop has him step out of the car, sizes him up, and administers several field sobriety tests, with much effort (the driver has trouble understanding some of the tests). The driver fails all the tests miserably: can't touch nose, can't walk straight, can't stand on one foot, can't recite a speedy alphabet.

The final legal step, of course, is the breathalyzer, so the cop asks his subject to blow into the tube. Green light. In disbelief, the cop checks the breathalyzer and has the suspect try again. Another green light--the guy's blood-alcohol level is legal.

"All right," says the cop, "how can you pass a breath test when you're so obviously falling-down drunk?"

"Well, it's like this," replies the guy. "I'm the designated decoy."

[thedrifter]

Doing business on the opposite coast


Here's a handy guide for those of you who have to deal with vendors, customers, or other divisions on the left coast.


East Coast West Coast

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

absolutely not maybe
yes maybe
action item by Feb 12 for Joe Joe's working on the problem
bozo subcontractor
brawl design review
dictator facilitator
do it and do it now can you sign up for this program?
do it right or you're fired I'm confident you'll get it done
**** off trust me
follow the spec is there a spec?
get out of my office let's get consensus on this one
he's a jerk he's not signed on to our plan
he's a subordinate he's a team player
I'll cover your ass consider me your resource
ignore him, he's new I'm bringing him up to speed
local bar offsite facility
meet me in the parking lot let's take that discussion offline
oh **** thanks for bringing that to my attention
overdesigned robust
punch his lights out constructive confrontation
shut the **** up thank you for your input
shut up a minute let me share this with you
that's totally incompetent let me build on that point
unemployed consulting
over budget on schedule
under budget we haven't started yet
we finished early (no translation available)
we're done how do you feel about that?
what's your problem? I certainly understand your feelings
where's the spec? what's a spec?
where's the schedule? what's the game plan?
your plan sucks let me share my feelings on this plan

[thedrifter]

A Modern (Cynical) Fable


Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit today's minute attention span.


The Troubled Aardvark
Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.

[thedrifter]

Nothing tougher than Sea Duty

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Marine Corps Gunny are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Marine Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside Chesty. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In afire fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, figures ... all shore duty."

[thedrifter]

Marines vs Airbornes

A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked an Airborne Ranger Staff Sergeant dressed in his class "A" Army uniform, replete with a chest full of combat medals and various other Army decorations and devices. The little boy turned to the Ranger and said, "Wow! Are you an Army Airborne Ranger?" The Ranger replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?" "Boy, would I," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.

As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man -- he was much more than "just" a man. He was a Marine Private, freshly out of recruit training.

The little boy turned and went over to the Marine. As he approached him, he could see his own reflection in the highly spit-shined shoes of the young Marine. His eyes widened as he stared up at the United States Marine in his dress green uniform with a shooting badge on his left chest. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, "Excuse me, Sir. Are you a Marine?" The Marine replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am, young man!! Would you like to shine my shoes?" The little boy smiled, and said, "Oh, no sir!! I'm not really in the Army Airborne, sir, I'm just wearing his hat !!!!!!!!

[thedrifter]

sent to me by my sis...Cas.......

CALENDAR OF NUDE POLICE OFFICERS

Don't forget that there are both male and female
police officers!!! Check out the link below...
you'll be surprised!

http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf

[marinemom]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer driinkin' these here beers!!"

Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our forehead and throw the bottles under the seat."

What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said
Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the
seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl. "We're on the patch."
> > >

[Phantom Blooper]

There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.He was a widower and she was a widow.They had known each other for a couple of years. One evening their was a social supper in the big community building. These two folks were at the same table across from each other. As the meal went on he made a few admiring glances at her,and finally got the courage to ask her,"Will you marry me?"After a few seconds of careful consideration,she answered, "Yes,yes I will." The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went back to their respective homes. Next morning he was troubled." Did she say 'yes' or did she say,'no'?"He couldn't remember.Try as he would, he just couldn't recall.Not even a faint memory.With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.First,he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.As he gained more courage,he inquired of her,"When I asked you to marry me did you say 'yes' or did you say 'no'?" He was delighted to hear her say,"Why,I said, Yes,yes I will,and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued,"Am I glad you called,because I couldn't remember who asked me."

[Phantom Blooper]

A woman goes into Wal Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Wal Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.She says,"Excuse me sir,can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"He says,"Ma'am I'm completely blind,but if you drop it on the counter.I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel with a 10lb. test line.It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."She says,"It's amazing you can tell all that just from me dropping it on the counter,I'm amazed,I'll take it." As she opens her purse her credit card falls out.As she bends down to pick it up she accidentally breaks wind.At first she is really embarrsed.Then she she realizes that the blind clerk could not really tell if it was her or someone else who farted. The man rings up the sale and says,"That will be $34.50,please." The woman is totally confused by this and said,"Didn't you tell me that it was on sale for $20.00.How did you get $34.50?" He replies,Yes Ma'am the rod and reel is $20.00 ,but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50.":banana:

[thedrifter]

The Jewish Mother


A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder.

"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."

The psychiatrist replies:

"What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"

[thedrifter]

A hard thing to give up...


As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

Husband: "Guess who?"

Wife: "I know who it is!"

Husband: "Guess what I want?"

Wife: "I know what you want!"

Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

[thedrifter]

A History of Math Education

The evolution of mathematics education

during the last 30 years.

1960's
A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price. What is his profit?


1970's
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price, i.e. $8. What is his profit?


1970's (New Math)
A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with a set M of money. The cardinality of the set M is equal to $10 and each element of M is worth $1. Draw 10 big dots representing the elements of M.

The set C of production costs is comprised of 2 big dots less than the set M. Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the cardinality of the set of profits? (Draw everything in red).


1980's
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8 and his profit is $2. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates.


1990's
A kapitalist pigg undjustlee akires $2 on a sak of patatos. Analiz this tekst and sertch for erors in speling, contens, grandmar and ponctuassion, and than ekspress your vioos regardeng this metid of geting ritch.

Author unknown

[thedrifter]

Senior Citizens


Horace Feebilmeind, the oldest man in the state, decides to visit a prostitute on his 105th birthday.

He calls an "agency" which promises to send over the most beautiful woman they have. He strips in anticipation, and the doorbell rings. He opens the door to find a tall, svelte, stacked red-head standing there. She takes one look, snorts, and says, "I'll tell ya, old man! You've had it!"

He thinks for a moment and then says, "Okay. How much do I owe you?"

[thedrifter]

Alligator pearls


An ignorant but well-meaning tourist was visiting a small Polynesian island when he came across a native man proudly displaying twenty alligator teeth slung about his neck in a decorative fashion.

"I guess you must prize alligator teeth the way we value pearls," said the tourist.

"More so," said the native. "Anyone can open up an oyster."

[thedrifter]

Pay for your transgression


Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said, "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name. Later, as he counted the money he found 2O five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown."

[thedrifter]

Project Managers

If you get in my way, I'll kill you! -- ideal project manager

If you get in my way, you'll kill me! -- somewhat less than ideal project manager

If I get in my way, I'll kill you! -- somewhat misguided project manager

If I get in your way, I'll kill you! -- A tough m. f. project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)

If get kill in will way I you. --dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager

I am the way! Kill me if you can! --messianic project manager

Get away, I'll kill us all! --suicidal project manager

If you kill me, I'll get in your way. --thoughtful but ineffective project manager

If I kill you I'll get in your way. --project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious

If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm. --project manager from New York

I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get killed. --project manager who is about to get in big trouble

If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares? --weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager

If I kill me, you'll get your way. --pragmatic project manager

Kill me, it's the only way. --every project manager to date.

[thedrifter]

"No solicitors" -- we mean it


We get hit up by door-to-door salespeople all the time, and they always seem to miss the "Absolutely no solicitors" sign on the door. My officemate put up a new sign:

To solicitors:

Please remove rings, watches, belt buckles, and other metal objects before entering. Our pit bull has trouble digesting such items. Thank you for your cooperation.

[thedrifter]

Two buddies, Ralph and Rob, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Rob throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"

Ralph says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, and tell Jane that someone threw up on
you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Rob rolls into home, and his wife, Jane, starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Rob says,

"Now wain aminit! I can e'splain everything (hick!)! Itsh not what you shink. I only had a couple drinks(hick!).
But thissss other guy got ssssick on me . He'd had one shoo many, (hick) and he jus couldn't hold hisss liquor.
He ssssaid he was bery slorry (hick) an' gave me twenty buckssss for the cleanin bill!"

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

"Oh, yeah...I almos' forgot, he ss**** in my pants, too."

[Barrio_rat]

I tell ya, I saw this and thought of Bones....

[Art Petersn]

>
> All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment,
> are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of
> Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both
society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone
marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the
Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the
Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:
>
> US Air Force Oath of Enlistment
>
> "I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the
> UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army,
> because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over
> waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any
form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a
valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by
their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I
will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all
times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of
"Basic Training". I will be a lean. Mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting,
civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am
superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before
stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and
will go home earlier every day. So help me God!"
> ________________
> Signature
> ________________
> Date
>
> US Army Oath of Enlistment
>
> "I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the
> UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to
> get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the
Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day
and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use
blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I
have a date. I will continue to tell my self that I am a fierce killing
machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the
only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I
acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service,
and bow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
> After completion of my sexual...er... I mean "Basic Training," I
> will attend a different Army school every other month and return
knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot
Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade
sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she
might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me
twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will
maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing
accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of
morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I
understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me
get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my
friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving
me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass
a placement exam. So help me God!"
> ________________
> Signature
> ________________
> Date
>
> US Navy Oath of Enlistment
>
> "I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years
> of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with
> Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought
the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live
in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why
not?">
> I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have
> my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I
understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,
and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter.
> I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the
> English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee
dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall,
hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great
pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks, and insignia, and
everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other
services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever
that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in
which case I will show up around 0930. I bow to hone my coffee
cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being
tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop., I consent to
being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I
realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to
the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues."
So help me Neptune!"
> ________________
> Signature
> ________________
> Date
>
> US Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment
>
> "I, (make up a name the police won't recognize),
> swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight...grunt...cammies...kill....fix
> bayonets...charge...slash...dig...burn...blowup... ugh...Air Force
> women...beer ...sailors wives...air strikes...yes SIR!...whiskey...
> liberty call...salute...Ooorah Gunny...grenades...women...OORAH! So
help me Chesty PULLER!"
> _________________Thumb Print
> XX__________________________Teeth Marks

[Phantom Blooper]

If you yelled for 8 years,7months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months enough of gas is produced to create the energy of the atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.( O. M. G.) A pigs orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)....(I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against the wall burns 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...maybe at work.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is still attached to the body.The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.("Honey I'm home. What the.....?!*) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.(30 minutes......lucky pig...can you imagine??) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty at the bottom of a pond?)Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life.....quality over quanity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.....)Right handed people,on average,live longer than left handed people. (If you are ambidextrous,do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.(OK so that would be a good thing.)A cats urine glows under a black light.(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)Polar bears are left handed.(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)Humans and dolphins are the only mammals that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

[thedrifter]

Kids say the funniest things

"Accent asked students at Columbus' Beck School, and Dublin's Chapman Elementary to study a list of 20 axioms with the key words missing."

<Here are a few of my favorites:>

--If you can't stand the heat, get a Pool.

--If you can't stand the heat, get out of the oven.

--A bird in the hand is messy.

--Don't count your chickens, eat them.

--You can't teach an old dog new math.

--When in Rome, do Roman numerals in math.

--When in Rome, do bulls run around town?

--Too many cooks, so little meals.

--A fool and his money are my best friends.

--A penny saved is one cent.

--Look before you run into a pole.

--A watched pot never disappears.

--A rolling stone makes you flat.

--A rolling stone is a singing rock group.

--Every cloud has a wet spot.

[thedrifter]

DL.HUMOR Entrance Exam

ENTRANCE EXAM FOR DL.HUMOR


Answer all questions. Time limit: 20 minutes. Choose your favorite answer for multiple choice questions.

1. How many <ethnics> does it take to change a lightbulb?


a. Four, one to change it and three to **** it up
b. One. And you think <ethnics> are stupid?
c. HAW HAW HAW SIXTEEN THEY'RE ALL HAVING SEX
WITH A DONKEY HAW HAW
d. Two, one to change the bulb, and one to hold the ladder

2. You see a really racist joke directed at a specific ethnic
group. You immediately:

a. Forward the message to HR and that person's manager
b. Reply to that person and suggest they not name the group
when sending jokes
c. Follow up with a ruder one about the same group
d. Make a snide comment about bigots

3. Which of the following is the funniest?

a. You can beat your wife but you can't beat a blow job
b. Hire the one with the biggest tits
c. The Little Yellow River by I.P. Daily
d. DL.HUMOR Entrance Exam by Maddi Hausmann



4-7 Each of the following paragraphs is an example of either (a) satire, (b) irony, (c) parody, or (d) reality. Identify them properly.
4. WHY DO WOMAN'S GENTITLES SMELL SO BAD? BECAUSE IF THAY DINT WE'D NEVER HAVE TIME TO DRINK BEER!!! HAW HAW HAW.

5. Since the quality of submissions to dl.humor has been dropping like a skydiver with a tangled parachute, from now on all messages must pass a screening committee, to be made up of John Lemon, Joe Cassavaugh, and Dave Kirby. Those people sending more than three jokes that are not actually funny will be removed from the humor distribution list for wasting Tandem resources. It has been scientifically proven that reading "humor" that is not humorous makes people less productive. Bob Marshall has required that this stop immediately. Thank you for your cooperation.

6. Funny Doctors Names! It's true! I had a doctor named Dr. No!

7. Effective immediately, the OSI project will be terminated. There are over 80 users on this project, and their compiles and tests have been interfering with the effective delivery of HUMOR messages. Those on the project have thirty days to either find other jobs or be terminated. In these cost-cutting days, priorities must be set, and clearly the need of 1600 members of the HUMOR list must supersede that of a fairly pointless software project.

8. Which of the following authors is your favorite?


a. Erma Bombeck
b. Joe Bob Briggs
c. Dave Barry
d. Craig Breighner

9. Jokes are funniest when:

a. A lot of similar ones are told all at once, so you can keep
refining them
b. THEY ARE TYPED IN CAPITAL LETTERS SO YOU
HEAR THEM BETTER
c. They are not expected
d. They are explained so you don't get confused

10. As a member of the HUMOR sig, I believe it is my duty to:

a. Reply to the entire list to let each and every member know
when their jokes make my day
b. Send every joke I ever heard from fourth grade, because if
it was funny then, it must be hilarious now
c. Send jokes that someone else just sent, because it was so
funny I want to spread the joy around again
d. Write parodies of official Tandem memos

11. If the jokes on HUMOR do not amuse me I should:

a. Send a message to the entire sig asking to resign
b. Write a parody of a message to the entire sig asking to resign
and then get all bent out of shape when no one recognizes it
was a joke
c. Write a long, scholarly treatise on how these jokes miss the mark
d. Send in slightly altered versions of the jokes to see if they
work better

12. A Tandem sales rep, an IBM sales rep, and a DEC sales rep are
stuck on a desert island. Which is the best way to end this
joke?

a. The IBM rep drowns trying to <deleted> the DEC rep
b. The Tandem rep finds a way off the island without the other
two knowing.
c. The Tandem rep sells $3 million worth of orders to the other
two while they await rescue
d. I'm pretty happy seeing as many sales reps stuck on desert
islands as possible

13. The problem with most jokes about lawyers is that

a. They usually are not about sex
b. They aren't long enough
c. They are fundamentally statements that lawyers cannot be trusted
d. They are true

14. The reason to put a ``WARNING F6 IF YOU DON'T LIKE JOKES
ABOUT ...'' message before a joke is

a. So people who would otherwise complain to HR won't read
the joke
b. To alert those who love really salacious stuff that a
good one is coming
c. Because everyone else is doing it
d. Because the warning is probably funnier than the joke

15. Why do some people send in jokes typed in all capital letters?

a. THEY ARE LAZY AND HAVE EVERY RIGHT TOO
b. SO YOU CAN READ THEM FASTER
c. BECAUSE THEY WANT TO GET IN YOUR FACE
EVEN BY MAIL
d. THEY HAVEN'T FOUND THE CAPS LOCK KEY YET

16. An engineer, a physicist, a math major, and a psychologist were
caught in a burning building. Which one got out alive?

a. The psychologist, he knew it was all in his head
b. The engineer, he knew the building was a firetrap
c. The math major, he saw this joke was derivative
d. The physicist, he knew hot air rises, just like most
of the jokes sent to dl.humor



SCORING: Get Real

IF YOUR SCORE IS NEGATIVE, YOU ARE OFF THE SIG!!!!!! thank gawd.

[thedrifter]

20 Things That Never Happen in "Star Trek"

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.

6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.

19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

But we still love it, right kids?

[thedrifter]

More Stuff You Never See on Star Trek

Some other things that never happen on Star Trek...

A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise birthday party.

A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or whatever.

McCoy says, "On second thought, maybe I'm a carpenter and NOT a doctor after all."

The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.

Kirk meets a woman whom he's known for years but never had sex with.

Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.

Kirk says, "Uhura, I'm frightened."

Kirk gets court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.

A Klingon says to a companion, "Hey, I like you."

Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.

An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing in any way.

Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character lives.

Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.

The crew of the original Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and nobody suffers major emotional trauma.

A major character dies and isn't resurrected.

The mysterious giant threatening object is on a direct course for some world other than Earth.

Somebody says, "You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid! What is it, a Close Encounters reject?"

Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of the galaxy obsolete.

McCoy says, "He'll live, Jim."

[Ed: My own additions]

Somebody vacations on a planet other than Raisa.

A major character has a serious character flaw.

A VIP visitor to the Enterprise is not a relative, lover or close friend of a major character.

[thedrifter]

Hell


Mr. Cody was a well-known rector of a protestant church. One day he had been playing golf and after having a shower he was resting in the club room, dressed in a bathrobe. A stranger comes in, looks at him and tries in vain to remember who this guy is. Finally, he asks:

Where in Hell have I seen you before?

Cody: I don't know. Which part of Hell are you from?

[thedrifter]

Buying votes

Pres. Bush, (NY) Gov. Cuomo, and (NJ) Gov. Florio are flying on a plane together. When they passed over New York, Cuomo wrote his name on two one dollar bills and threw them from the plane. Florio very curious about this action asked him why he had done it. Cuomo responded that he had just won two votes.

Florio, not wishing to be outdone, wrote his name on two one hundred dollar bills and threw them from the plane once they reached New Jersey. This caught the attention of President Bush, who inquired about this action. Florio explained about just winning two votes.

A few minutes later, Pres. Bush shoved both Cuomo and Florio from the plane. The pilot was shocked and asked the President why in the world he just killed two Governors. The President responded, "Simple, I just won two states."

[thedrifter]

Improve World League American Football

Top ten proposed improvements for World League American Football for 1992
10. After ``big plays,'' pictures of players and what they really do for a living.

9. Winner of World Bowl plays NCAA division I runner-up.

8. Two expansion teams: the North Dakota Boredom and the Idaho Oat Bran.

7. Fans allowed to participate on 4th down.

6. Bodacious-bouncing-cheerleader-cam.

5. Homer Simpson will be the announcer for the Monday night game.

4. ``Fan-appreciation'' night where the first 40,000 fans at any US home game get a free beer.

3. Use of wrestling referees who "miss vital calls."

2. Football-cam (now you can see the action at the source!)

1. Pre-season WLAF.

[thedrifter]

Heart Attack

"Jokes for women only" (Men, please excuse

A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed. "Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"

[thedrifter]

Popular European Languages

A small survey of some popular European languages:

Spanish-- Everything you say makes you sound hungry.

Russian--There are 33 different ways to say, "Comrade, pass the Vodka or I shoot you."

French--Every French sentence carries the implicit connotation that you want to have sex with the person you are talking to.

German--The German word for "hello" is "Echsteinlefahrtengruber." The German translation for "Hey Hans, what say tomorrow morning we climb into our tanks and roll over Poland?" is "Hans, Poland, ja?"

[thedrifter]

Joke from AstroPhysicist Boyfriend


An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the same lecture night after night. He confided this state of mind to his chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination. The chauffeur expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.

"I've got it!" said the astronomer. "You are bored with driving and I am weary of lecturing. Let's exchange places for one night. It will be a refreshing change for both of us. My lecture is all written out word for word and nobody in the next town knows me by sight anyway." The driver agreed and the exchange of roles and dress was made. That night the lecture hall filled to capacity. At the appointed time those in attendance heard a flawlessly delivered lecture. At its conclusion the lecturer basked in the euphoric applause. Then came the question and answer period.

"Who discovered Uranus?" came from a boy in the front.

"Uh...William Herschel." He remembered that from somewhere.

"And who discovered Pluto?" continued the boy.

"Aaaa...that would be Clyde Tombaugh." He had read a little.

Then from the back: "Would you please comment on the relative merits of the pulsation instability model and the accretion disk instability model for the explanation of outbursts of cataclysmic variable stars?"

The speaker paused for a moment, then said, "I am surprised that you would bother to ask me such a simple question. To show you how really simple it is I shall have my chauffeur answer it for you."

[thedrifter]

DRUNKARD AND THE GHOST.....

A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One
of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making
several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest
was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human
waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possible
face.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the
bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets
landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his
arms which drew the attention of the security guard.

The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?"

And the drunk replied, "I just beat the **** out of a
ghost...!"

[thedrifter]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling
children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he
said. "Have you thought it out completely" "Sure," his young son
answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.
It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the
night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy
answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When
you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not
going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step
on it!"

[Art Petersn]

A woman was leaving the 7-11 Store with her morning coffee when

she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the

nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second

long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse

was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind,

were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached

the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss,

and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a

funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my

Husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two

women.

Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[thedrifter]

The Top Reasons When You Know You Have Been “Over Here” Too Long

10. You think a “West Coast Marine” is someone who lives at CampRhino

9. You know that 1 or two beers will make you dance on the tables and give up your car keys.

8. When you can tell the time by the prayer callers.

7. The Camp PAO solicits for a “Top 10 Ways You Know You’ve Been Over Here Too Long” List

6. The only reading entertainment left is going from porta-john to porta-john

5. Anything under 110 degrees is “kind of a nice day, and a good time for a quick run.” 4. You think that tan is the only color.

3. Sandstorms are second nature, and you welcome them because it gets cooler outside

2. When you end a personal phone conversation by saying “out”.

AND, THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW YOU’VE BEEN “OVER HERE” TOO LONG.
1. YOU ARE AT PEACE WITH THE FLIES!

[Phantom Blooper]

Shortly after President Bush took office,an old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Avenue where he was sitting on a park bench. He spoke with the U.S. Marine and said, "I would like to speak to President Clinton." The Marine looked at the man and said,"Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man walked away and said "Okay." The following day the same man approached the White House and the same Marine was on duty and he said," I would like to speak to President Clinton."The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man thanked him and again walked away and said "Okay."The third day the same man approached the same Marine and said,"I would like to go in and meet President Clinton." The Marine was agitated at this point and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you come here asking to speak to President Clinton and I have told you three days in a row that Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here.Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said," Oh I understand, I just love hearing it!":marine:

[Phantom Blooper]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,I can't even get in to my own pants.... Marriage changes passion. Suddenly your in bed with a relative.... I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said "Inplants?" She hit me......I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up to fast.....I live in my own little world. It's okay they know me here.....I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or moaner.....I don't approve of political jokes.I seen to many of them get elected....There are two sides to every divorce. Yours and sh*theads....I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person to annoy for the rest of your life.....I am nobody,and nobody is perfect,therefore, I am perfect....Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.....Isn't a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in the swimming pool?....Why is it that most nudists are people that you don't want to see naked?.....Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled....Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up,you don't know where it's been!".........:banana:

[thedrifter]

Corporate Approved Politically Correct Jokes


WRONG: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?

This joke is offensive to two classes of people, blondes and coffee drinkers. It might also offend people who do not drink coffee for religious reasons.

RIGHT: Why can't pigmentally-challenged individuals take a short rest between job tasks?

Because the Mail Police are reading this joke.

WRONG: How do you kill a pink elephant?

This joke has many problems, as it is offensive to environmentalists, vegetarians, and elephants of all colors. It also promotes racism and classism among elephants, and, perhaps, among other species as well. It should not be sent to the HUMOR sig for these reasons.

RIGHT: How do you address an elephant of any color whatsoever?

Ask the Mail Police for full instructions.

WRONG: How do you double the value of a Yugo?

This joke would not be allowed because it offends Yugoslavians, other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes against the Communist belief system that material goods are provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have no monetary value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-sig will also feel uncomfortable because this joke encourages automobile use.

RIGHT: How do you improve a vehicle?

Confirm with the Mail Police that the vehicle is allowed on Tandem Mail.

WRONG: An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a psychologist are stuck in a burning building. Who gets out alive?

This message should not be sent because it encourgages classism, elitism, and implies that those who study different disciplines deserve to perish in a tragedy through no fault of their own. Tandem Values require respect for all individuals in all jobs they do.

RIGHT: Four Tandemites are stuck in a burning building. How do you rescue all of them before it collapses?

First meet with the Mail Police to be sure no favoritism is shown towards any group in whom is rescued initially.

WRONG: How do you make love to an <ethnic> woman?

There are so many reasons this joke is inappropriate for Tandem mail that this memo cannot begin to catalog all of them. Hiding behind the designator <ethnic> does not absolve the joke-sender of sending abusive mail messages to protected groups, because it is usually quite clear which group is being slandered. In any event, the sobriquet <ethnic> implies that non-ethnics are in some way superior, which goes against Tandem Values.

The joke also shows a lack of respect for women in two ways. First, it implies that the teller and listener of the joke are both male. No joke of that sort should be sent, because this precludes women from feeling fully accepted at Tandem. Second, it implies that the woman can only be satisfied one particular way, and that this rests outside of her, i.e. she needs a man to be complete. Finally, this joke excludes gays and lesbians since it has a heterosexualist bias.

RIGHT: How does a Tandemite get satisfaction?

Have the Mail Police ensure no one is offending anyone else.

WRONG: What happens when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a dyslexic agnostic?

Jokes that demean religious groups are unacceptable. This includes people who choose not to practice religion. Dyslexics are an example of a handicapped class and should not be insulted. This joke is offensive to creationists because it implies that evolution proceeds due to inter-species mating habits. Members of certain religious groups may also find these random matings offensive to their belief systems.

RIGHT: Tell me the best way all religious groups can feel comfortable working together at Tandem.

I'll have the Mail Police explain that to you right away.

WRONG: A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini.

Since a number of Tandem employees are uncomfortable with the problems of alcohol, jokes should not be set in bars or at social gatherings noted for alcohol usage.

RIGHT: A gorilla walks into a hardware store and orders a martini.

WRONG: An IBM salesman is stuck on a desert island.

Desert islands make reference to the recent Gulf War, and should be avoided. It is also against Tandem values to make jokes about the competition. Simply describing their products is all the humor that's necessary.

RIGHT: An IBM AS/400 is set up in a room at 105 degrees Fahrenheit (40 C). The Mail Police are called to see if it crashes, which it probably will.

WRONG: Which doesn't belong, meat, wife, or blowjob?

Haven't you learned anything yet? This joke is sexist and offensive to women and vegetarians.

RIGHT: Which doesn't belong, ethics, values, or Mail Police?

WRONG: A man's penis size doesn't matter, unless you're having sex with him.

That doesn't mean you can make fun of men, just because they're the dominant class. Besides, these jokes usually trigger a barrage of anti-female ones, and then we're back to Lawsuit City.

RIGHT: A Tandemite's paycheck size doesn't matter, unless they're arguing with the Mail Police.

WRONG: How many CNN reporters does it take to change a light bulb?

Tandem Values preclude mention of corporate entities, such as CNN in this example. The whole category of light bulb jokes is also contraindicated, as General Electric may choose to sue over improper use of their product.

RIGHT: How many TTN reporters does it take to produce "First Friday?"

Wait a minute, the Mail Police want to be sure this isn't a violation of something.

WRONG: What did Pee-Wee Herman say to Jeffrey Dahmer?

Can't you do anything right? It's "What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee-Wee Herman?" and the answer is "Stop playing with my food."

[thedrifter]

Heavenly Baseball


The devil calls up St. Peter and says, "Let's have a baseball game - my people against your people."

St. Peter thinks this over, checks his populace, and says, "Sure, but you're gonna lose - I've got all the hall of famers up here."

"Maybe so," replies the devil, "but I've got all the umpires!"

[thedrifter]

Whose country is it?

A man was hitchhiking across the country just prior to a presidential election and had hit upon a technique for getting free drinks in bars by guessing which candidate was less popular and then loudly badmouthing them. He went into a bar in Colorado and yelled, "Carter is a horse's ass!" To his surprise, he was promptly thrown outside into the dirt. He picked himself up and went into another bar, shouting, "Reagan is a horse's ass!" Seconds later, he was eating dust again.

Seeing a cowboy nearby, he called out, "Hey, fella! If this ain't Carter country and it ain't Reagan country, whose country is it?"

The cowboy replied, "Son, this is horse country!"

[thedrifter]

Not quite Wright...

A metaphor is like a simile.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

I bought a portable cable tv.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5," but I can't find the first four anywhere.

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.

[thedrifter]

Let's make like .....


Let's:


...make like a tree and leave.
...make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.
...make like a bird and flock off
...make like horse sh!t and hit the trail.
...make like a banana and split.
...make like a missile and cruise.
...make like a fetus and head out.
...make like a baby and head out.
...make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.
...make like a drum and beat it.
...make like a drummer and beat it.
...make like a bee and buzz off.
...make like Diarrhea and run
...make like a tire and hit the road
...make like Linda Lovelace and blow.
...make like a terrorist and blow this place.
...make like a busboy and get the fork out of here.
...make like a douche and get the **** out of there.
...make like a strawberry and jam.
...make like traffic and jam.
...make like stockings and run.
...make like a sock and run.
...make like a loaf of French bread and baguette.
...make like a bakery truck and haul buns outta' here.
...make like a bread truck and haul buns.
...make like a Bakery truck and Move your buns.
We're off like a prom dress!!!
...make like a prom dress and take off.
We're off like pants in the dark.
...make like the devil and get the hell out of here.
...make like the Red Sea and split.
...make like the Red Sea and part.
...make like a banana in the presence of ice cream and split
...make like an amoeba and split...!
...make like the wind and blow.
...make like a tomato and Ketch-up.
...make like a driver and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like a teamster and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like a hippy and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like the Dead and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like lightning and bolt.
...make like a Nut and Bolt.
...make like a rectum and get the sh*t out of here.
...make like a donkey's d!ck and hit the road.
...make like [insert name of unpopular politician or personality] and blow.
...make like Michael Jackson and "Beat it!"
...make like a hippy and blow this place.
...make like Santa Claus and leave your presents (presence)!
...make like Tom and Cruise.
...make like Pablo and Cruise.
...make like Pablo and Pick Ass Off here. (?)
...make like a Hewlett Packard Laser Printer and jet.
...make like a jacket and zip.
...make like a magnet and flux off.
...make like Levi's and fade away.
...make like a bowel, and move.
...make like a tie and hang around some more.
...make like a botanist and leaf.
...make like a dog and flea.
...make like a register and shift.
...make like newlyweds; remain in bed all day. (or go to bed early.)
...make like an unstructured program, and go (to).
...make like Houdini and disappear
...make like a mongrel and get lost
...make like a teeny-bopper singer and fade away
...make like data and move
...make like make(1) and update (your location)
...make like a football and kickoff
...make like a baseball player and home-run
...make like rot13 and shpx bss
...make like a pound and quid (quit).
...make like a jet and zoom.
...make like an airplane and take off.
...make like a hat and go on ahead.
...make like an atom and split.
...make like a Catholic and pull out.
...make like The Exorcist and get the hell outta here.
...make like rain and get the hail out of here.
I'm going to take a sedimental journey and precipitate outta here.
I'm off like exit(0).
Let us leave (lettuce leaf) (only works for 2+, obviously)
Off like a dirty shirt.
Off like the brides pajamas.
We're off lika a bride's nightie...
Put an egg in my shoe and beat it.
Why don't you make like an ******* and post exit lines?
Hanging in there like stink on a stockyard boot.
Act like yesterdays lunch, go down and out the back.


Award Winners...




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The award winner for the most relevant and irrelevant contribution;
There were other versions (corrections... sheesh!) but this was the first.
And don't forget my favorite (from Back to the Future):


"Make like a tree, McFly. Get outta here."
--AMS


The award winner for the most tasteless contribution;


...make like an abortion and head out early.




BONUS JOKE-

What the marketing director of a major condom manufacturing company said when asked to come up with a new gimmick for their new line of condoms;

"Let's make like bullfrogs and ribbit"

[thedrifter]

More Music Jokes


Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a saxophone?

A: Vibrato.

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but I could've done better."

Q: How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?

A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

So this trumpet player dies, see? And when he reaches his everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, OK? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."

[thedrifter]

Airplane passengers

This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

[thedrifter]

The Jack of All Trades

Unless his father is rich, a graduate student in computer science will most likely end up supporting himself by working on university research projects or, if he doesn't speak English, by teaching undergraduates. These students make less than a freelance can recycler. A few students work part-time at a useful craft or trade that supports them in comfort. I decided that I would practice such a trade: Professional sperm donation, the jack of all trades.

During my first visit to the sperm bank, I was taken to the office of the doctor in charge. His walls were covered by medical degrees and citations for his achievements in sperm preservation. One of the citations said "Honorable Discharge," which I thought was a bit grandiose.

"It is of the utmost importance that semen samples remain sterile," the doctor explained.

"Sterile semen?" I oxymoroned.

"Thus, samples must be produced by unassisted direct manual stimulation of the genital protuberance."

"Huh?"

"Choke the purple-helmeted love nazi."

"Oh."

"Furthermore, before the production of each sample, there must be three days of abstinence."

"Three days? 4320 minutes! Is that really a good idea?" I had visions of being rushed to the emergency room to have my scrotum lanced and drained as it expanded like a Jiffy Pop bag. "I'm no doctor, but I think an hour of abstinence is enough. I mean, we're not aging a fine wine, are we?..."

I was scheduled for a donor room, where I would have to deliver samples, piping hot, in 30 minutes or less. I didn't know if I could become aroused under such conditions. I was of an impressionable age when I first saw Racquel Welch in "Fantastic Voyage," and afterward I could only be aroused by women who wore rubber diving suits and were covered by foot-long antibodies. (These days, having your partner in a rubber suit covered with large antibodies is not a bad idea.) I've since grown out of this habit. Although now I can only become aroused by a woman if she turns the letters on my "Wheel of Fortune" board game. I decided to get some men's magazines for immoral support.

As a teenager I found Penthouse to be highly stimulating. (As a teenager I found everything to be highly stimulating. I had to take up tennis just to explain my tennis elbow.) However, Penthouse photographs are often rendered in a diffused soft focus, which is why you go blind. Eyestrain is the reason you often see men crying when they read the magazine.

Once, when I was fourteen, my father wondered if he should get a subscription to Penthouse. "Great idea!" I panted. "It offers an insightful editorial posture and interviews with personalities of topical interest."

He shrugged indifferently.

"You have to get it! You absolutely have to! It offers guides to fashion and accessories, goddammit!" I shrieked before passing out. Now I've started to actually read those articles. I used to put magazines under my mattress so they wouldn't be found; now they're there for lower back support.

I thought that, if I'm going to be a professional in a medical facility, I should forget the over-the-counter products like Penthouse and look for more potent prescription remedies in the shops of the red light district.

These magazines did not have interviews with personalities of topical interest. Their titles generally were the names of female body parts. One was called "Female Body Parts." The magazines might serve a medical professional as references of female anatomy and its many diseases, but they were too much for me. I settled for this month's issue of "NBC Anchorwomen in Chains."

As it turned out, I was able to wield Excalibur without anxiety in the clinic's donor room, and I looked forward to returning there on my twice-weekly visits. I didn't appreciate it at first, but I eventually realized what a terrific room it was. It had a wicked, shameless chair, a voluptuous, come-hither lamp and a coy, pouting paper towel dispenser. However, the room was small, or perhaps it only seemed so because when there I was usually homo erectus, so I was constantly upsetting lamps and clearing shelves. Okay, maybe not.

I produced so many test specimens that the doctor could have built an infant from scratch and avoided conception altogether. But after several weeks, the testing was over and I was sent back to the doctor's office.

He said that I had been accepted into the program: my sperm count was five times higher than average.

There it was. In seconds, I had become an awesome engine of fertility, a sexual force to be feared. Condoms and diaphragms could be shredded by my Zulu sperm cells as their superior numbers overwhelmed the British outpost of the ovum. My minions could overcome any female contraceptive resistance and commit countless acts of microscopic date rape. My ego was further engorged by the fact I'd finally met someone who wanted me just for my body. I was a sex object, meat on the hoof. The doctor obliged by talking about me in the cold quantities of sperm counts and motilities, reciting my "tale of the tape" as us pro athletes call it. He also referred to donor candidates by number instead of name to preserve anonymity. To the doctor I was The Man With No Name, a hired gun.

"A hun'rd and ten million! That's pretty good shootin', stranger. What'd you say your name was again?"

"I didn't say...."

From now on, I would be paid. My one-armed bandit had consistently hit the jackpot, and now I was going to cash in. Some guys think their penis has a mind of its own. Mine had a career of its own.

It was during my next visit, as I approached the main desk, that I first saw her: Candy the candystriper.

I had never been particular about my women. Two X chromosomes sufficed. But Candy was different. Perhaps it was the three days of fluid backing up into my brain that made her look like an angel floating toward me. Perhaps it was her helium breast implants. All I knew was that I wanted to suckle that bosom till I talked like Donald Duck.

She noticed my groin, which bulged handsomely due to the bag of ice I put in my pants to keep down the swelling.

She gave me a specimen cup and I went into the donor room, where I was great. A minute later I returned.

My headache was gone. I sauntered over to Candy's desk and turned on the charm, which I can do pretty much at will.

"Sorry, but my cup runneth over with love."

She smiled the dazzling smile that is the gift of a woman with braces. She said, "You might want to zip up your fly."

"Why, you eagle-eyed minx," I teased. "You've been watching my fly, haven't you, like a photographer waiting for a glimpse of the Loch Ness monster."

She giggled. "So, what do you do?"

"Here? Um, I do what all the other guys do. But better."

"I mean, what do you do for a living?"

I hung my head. "I'm a computer science graduate student."

"Really? Can you say something in computerese?"

"Awk grep sed lex yacc?"

She squealed with delight, and her sudden increase in body heat caused her implants to expand. I had it made.

On our first date, I learned all about her. A woman of compassion, she had bought a water bed because it made the fleet feel more at home. She had also bought a high-tech, no-mess vibrator, only to learn it was an electric orange juicer.

I thought it would be responsible of me to inquire about her medical history. Her gynecologist had said that, though she needed retreads, she didn't have any social diseases. This was a relief because it meant the president wouldn't have to order a stand down of all naval operations. Her neurologist had said that her brain was still a virgin, its fragile tissues untouched by knowledge.

Her favorite literary work was Kafka's "Metamorphosis." She hadn't read it, but she had seen an ad for the promo of the music video. She could empathize with a human mind that finds itself trapped inside the body of an insect, because she suffered the opposite problem.

She was the girl of my dreams.

Toward the end of the evening, I made my move. "Pound bang slash bin slash cush semi ell ess minus ell splat."

She fell against me, nearly swooning. Should I strike while the iron is hot? The sperm bank had already scheduled to within 4 minutes every ejaculation I would have in the next year. But how often does a man find true love? I decided I would service both Candy and the sperm bank, spreading myself thin, so to speak.

"Candy, would you like to go to my place and view my itchings? We could practice CPR. I'll check you for tumors. Maybe a lower GI series?"

We got to my apartment and with a flourish I opened the door to my my lair of lust. "Welcome to my Altar of Ecstasy, my Boudoir of Bliss."

"Gee, it looks just like a sperm donor room."

We wasted no time. She was so hot her bust deployed like a Chrysler air bag. All night it was twiddle twiddle twiddle pipe mount socket pound bang pound bang splat return. Consummate, consummate, consummate.

In the morning I staggered to the sperm bank. The vigor of youth had abandoned me. I needed a heavy styling mousse to achieve the hardness needed to raise my flag over Iwo Jima and produce a specimen. The cup would've held more microbes if it was filled with Jersey tapwater.

Unfortunately, the doctor chose that day for a spot check of my handiwork. He looked at my specimen under a microscope, but couldn't find anything. He continued hunting for Red October and finally found a sperm. It tried to swim, but then it grabbed its chest and rolled over.

So, my career ended as soon as it started. But my romance has flourished. Candy has proven to be a challenging libidinal dynamo, but nothing me and some new vacuum cleaner attachments can't handle.

[thedrifter]

Sexual, twist, probably old

A man walks along, and sees an old man sitting on a park bench. The old man is perhaps eighty, and is crying his eyes out.

The first man approaches the elderly one and asks "What's wrong?"

The elderly fellow replies. "I just married a twenty-year old girl, and..."

The first man prods him: "And? Do you have troubles with..."

"Oh, no, no. I have incredible stamina for a man my age, and we make love twenty-three times a day."

The first man, obviously surprised, asks "So what's wrong?"

"I forgot where I live!" bawls the old man.

[thedrifter]

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies,
logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's "thing" is
hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat,
moans "OHHH GOD....they stole my girlfriend, too!!!"

[thedrifter]

Twin sisters at a nursing home were turning one hundred years old. The

editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and

take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of

hearing and the other could hear very well. Once the photographer arrived,

he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.




The near-deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other one.



"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.



Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled

up close to each other.



"Just hold on for a bit longer; I've got to focus a little," said the

photographer.



Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"



With a big grin the near-deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD -- BOTH OF US?"

[Barrio_rat]

MARRIAGE (# I)

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

MARRIAGE (PART II)

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."

"Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

MARRIAGE (PART III)

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"What are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

MARRIAGE (PART IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

MARRIAGE (PART V)

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

MARRIAGE (PART VI)

A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up.

The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal.

The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."

MARRIAGE (PART VII)

A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him.

"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.

"Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"

[Barrio_rat]

Just thought that if they let cats into the Corps...

[Barrio_rat]

Guess it's funny to the cat... not so funny for the dog...

[Barrio_rat]

With Martha Stewart...

[Barrio_rat]

More decorating ideas from Martha Stewart

[Barrio_rat]

The good life - in the Gray Bar Hotel...

[Art Petersn]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Rolls or Mercedes in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[thedrifter]

When I was in the military...

A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that **** on me! My wife will think I've been in a *****house!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like."

[thedrifter]

Unwed farmer's son's big win & discovery

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.

The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man a $50 bill.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma."

"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"

"Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, " ... and a cheap one, too."

[thedrifter]

Rabbi up to the bar, boys

A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the restroom. He walks up to the bartender, and asks "Can I please use the restroom?" The place was hoppin' with music, and dancin', till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, "I really don't think you should."

The Rabbi again, asks, "Can I please use the restroom?" Well, the bartender says to the Rabbi, "I really don't think you should, you see, there is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

The Rabbi responded with, "Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by that statue!" Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the stairs.

The Rabbi proceeded to the restroom, and after a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hoppin' with music and dancin' again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand, when I came in here, the place was hoppin' with music and dancin', then the place became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and the place is hoppin' again."

The bartender says, "Well, now you're one of us, can I get you a drink?" The Rabbi says, "I still don't understand." The bartender told him, "You see, everytime the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I get you a drink?"

[thedrifter]

The woes of being a grease monkey


A guy took his girl out parking in his 4-wheel drive truck, but couldn't convince her to make it because she was afraid that someone would see them. Finally he hit on the great idea that they could do it under the truck where they couldn't be seen. This seemed to be OK with the girl, so they really went at it under the truck. Soon a policeman tapped the man on the shoulder and said, "Hey, what are you doing?" Our hero never looked up and said, "I'm fixing the transmission."

"Well" said the cop, "I think you had better fix your brakes too, because your truck is at the bottom of the hill!"

[thedrifter]

Geography of Womanhood


From 13 to 18 a woman is like Africa - virgin and unexplored

From 19 to 35 she is like Asia - hot and exotic

From 36 to 45 she is like America - fully explored and free with her resources

From 46 to 55 she is like Europe - exhausted, but still has points of interest

From 56 on she is like Australia - everyone knows it's down there but no one gives a damn.

[thedrifter]

If I had two


My friend was telling me about friendship and sharing... he said... You know, If I had two dollars, I'd give you one.

If I had two beers, I'd give you one.

If I had two cookies, I'd give you one.

But if I had two girlfriends, I'd give you another dollar.

[thedrifter]

Selection of golf jokes ...


A Business man, while out of town, decided to play a little golf after a short work day. He did not know any golfers in this town so he decided to go out to the course and get paired up there. When he arrived there were no guys ready to play, but there was a very nice looking lady waiting for a foursome. He decided (at the suggestion of the club) to pair up with the lady. While playing the first 17 holes the two got to be real chummy, but were shooting as poor a game as either had seen in years. They were both getting very frustrated with their games. On the 18th, a par 4, the game was about to finish on a good note as they both were on in 2. When they arrived on the green, they saw that this was the worst green that either had ever seen. This green slopped away from the cup with a very rolling surface. He was about twenty-nine feet away and she twenty-six. He looked over the green and was very frustrated. He said, "If I make this shot I'll buy us dinner tonight." He hit and the ball rolled over the bump down through the grove, around the short hill, and up past the cup and slowed. Just as it looked as though he had missed the put, the slope of the green helped, and the ball rolled back into the cup. He made a great shot. Not to be outdone the lady tried to line up her shot. She said, "If I make this shot I'll invite you to my place for drinks after dinner." The guy interrupted her put saying, "Wait! Let me help you line up the shot." He walked all over the green trying to find the groove. He suddenly smiled, walked over to the ball, grabbed it up and said, "That is a gimme if I ever saw one."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Pro is giving a golf lesson to a woman on the tee. She swings the club and dubs the ball. The Pro sees that the problem is with her grip of the club and says to her, "Try holding the club like you hold your husband's....(you know)"
"Oh," says the lady, who takes out her driver using the new grip and hits one 250 yards.

"That's good," the Pro encourages, "but try taking the club out of your mouth."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-- You fool! You almost hit my wife with that shot!

-- Sorry old chap! Here, take a shot at mine!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-- Did you hear that the board fined me $50 for hitting my wife with a 9-iron?

-- Really, for conduct unbecoming a gentleman?

-- No, for using the wrong club.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I attended a golf convention in San Diego over the winter and was somewhat interested in the result of one particular study performed on golfers, in particular, late afternoon league golfers. This study indicated that the single gentlemen who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones. The way this fact was determined was as follows: the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to bed. the married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator...

[thedrifter]

Small change ...


A naked lady standing on the street in the combat zone, flags down a cab, hops in and says, "Take me to Georgetown."

The cabby replies, "Come on lady, what are you going to pay me with? You don't even have a handbag."

The lady smiles, opens her legs and points saying, "With this of course."

After thinking for a moment, the cabby replies, "Have you got anything smaller?"

[thedrifter]

Fart'n me, madame

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart.

Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that immediately."

"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"

[thedrifter]

Bridge with the Colonel's wife

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."

[thedrifter]

LJBF meets the LBJ


Note 1: for those who don't already know, an LJBF is a person who, unconsciously and subliminally convinces you that you are without doubt, the man/woman s/he's been looking for all his/her life, then crushes your ego, self-respect, and will-to-live by uttering the four most awful words in the English language:


"Let's Just be Friends"


Note 2: To avoid the awkwardness inherent in non-sexist writing (his/her, s/he, etc.) one has composed this joke from the point of view of a male being LJBF'ed. This is more in keeping with the author's own personal experience :-) No sexist sentiment is intended or implied; female readers may substitute "his" for "her" etc. With that in mind...

Q: How many LJBFs does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, who will...

... call you up every night for three months and talk to you for hours on end, about how bad her current light bulb is, how it goes out without warning, and never provides her with the kind of light she would really love to have.

... tell you what a wonderful light bulb you have, and how any woman would die to have such a light bulb.

... tell you it's amazing that your light bulb has been sitting alone in it's little corrugated cardboard tube for the last six months and even more amazing that you don't have a dozen sockets to screw it into.

... call you up at three o'clock on a Monday morning, (destroying any chance you had of being alert, much less coherent at that crucial business meeting at 8 am) to agonise about the fight she had with her light bulb, and to tell you that she finally lost her temper with it and unscrewed the light bulb forever.

... be shocked at your offer of a replacement bulb, and will tell you that she could never screw your light bulb into her empty socket, that doing so would ruin the light it gives out, and that it's too good a bulb for her anyway, but that she hopes she'll still be able to come over and talk to you about her light bulb problems.

... go home, rummage through the trash can, find the defunct light bulb, lovingly clean it off, screw it back into the socket, and sit there in the dark.

... call you up every night for three months...

[Phantom Blooper]

An imate was being visited by his attorney,in the county jail. The lawyer said," I have good news and bad news for you. Your blood test results came back and your DNA came back as a positive match,to place you at the crime scene." "Oh my God!" said the convict. "What's the good news?" The lawyer said, "The good news is your cholesterol is down to 140."

[Devil0321/8541]

Why are blondes so easy?







Who Cares?

[Phantom Blooper]

On the first day God created the cow. God said,"You must go to the field all day with the farmer and suffer under the sun,have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said that's kind of a tough life you want me to lead for sixty years. I tell you what give me twenty,and I'll give you back forty." And God agreed. On the second day,God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone that comes past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said,"That's too long to be barking give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed. On the third day God created the monkey.God said, " Entertain people,do monkey tricks,make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."The monkey said, "How boring,tricks for twenty years. I don't think so.The dog gave you back ten,so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.On the fourth day,God created man.God said,"Eat,sleep,play,have fun and enjoy life. I'll give you twenty years." The man said, "Only twenty years?No way man. I'll tell you what,"I'll take my twenty,and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty,okay?" "Okay," said God. "You got a deal."........So that is why for the first twenty years we eat,sleep,play,enjoy life,have fun. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family,for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren, and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.:)

[thedrifter]

More Interesting Movie Combos


To whom it may concern:

Here is what I came up with, what I even lost sleep over (the concept popped into my head around midnight, and I was striving to make mine as good as the originals). Some are good; some are bad; all are mine.


The Jungle Fever Book
Bill & Ted & Carol & Alice's Excellent Adventures
Singin' in the Purple Rain
39 Step-mothers Are Aliens
My Darling, My Hamburger Hill
Little Orphan Tate (Little Man Annie?)
Whatever Happened to Three Men and Baby Jane?
Guess Who's Coming Late for Dinner
Adventures in Babysitting Bill and Ted
Sound of the Music Man
Children of a Lesser Corn God
St. Elmo's Firestarter
Backdraft to the Future
Angelheart at My Table
Hunt for Red Sonja
Spaceballs the Odyssey
Who's That Valleygirl?
Meaning of the Life of Brian
Harold & Micki & Maude
Code of Silence of the Lambs
Back to the Futureshock
Stand and Deliver by Me
Valley of the Gods Must Be Crazy
Lord of the Flies of Discipline
The Breakfast Club of Tiffany's

[thedrifter]

Viola Jokes

I'm not sure I'm using this right, but if I am, here's a whole bunch of viola jokes.

What's the difference between a viola and a violin? A violin burns faster.

Why is a violist like a terrorist? They both ** up bowings.

What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathizers.

What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker? A dressmaker tucks up frills.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor asks the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"

The composition of a string quartet:


1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 cellist who hates all violinists.

[thedrifter]

Doctor puts down vet

A friend of mine told me this story about his sister, a veterinarian, who had to visit the doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

"Hey look, I'm a vet--I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her, with the words: "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

[thedrifter]

Mother Murphy's laws

THE FRANKLIN FACTOR: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.

THE RAT RACE: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.

THE EYEGLASS PRESCRIPTION: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.

THE RING RULE: A watched telephone never rings.

THE CREEP CALL: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.

THE FISHING FORECAST: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROGNOSIS: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable only by marriage.

THE ROPE TRICK: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.

MIND OVER MATTER: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.

THE FAULT FINDER: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

THE UNINTENDED RESULT: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy.

2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex.

THE RABBIT RULE: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

THE DANGLE DOCTRINE: You can't keep a good man down.

TWAIN'S TRUTH: Familiarity breeds children.

THE FERTILITY FACTOR: Women are only fertile a few days each month...unless they're single.

THE PREPARATION PREDICAMENT: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.

[thedrifter]

Sublimation


Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer), a previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."

It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.

[thedrifter]

Fathers and sons

Four guys have been golfing together for years. Throughout the years, they have discussed various aspects of their lives, with one exception: they never talk about their sons. This is because one of the men has a son who is a flaming, out-of-the-closet homosexual, and the other men don't want to make him feel bad.

One week, however, the man with the gay son is late to the country club, so the other three are sitting around the table and inevitably start talking about their sons.

"My son the Mercedes salesman," says one, "has been doing so well lately that last week, he tells me, he GAVE a friend of his a brand new Benz!"

"Ah, that's nothing," says the second one, "My son, the marina owner, has been so successful lately that last week he gave one of his friends a brand new speedboat!"

"MY son," says the third, "has done so exceptionally well in the real estate market, that last week he gave a friend of his a whole HOUSE!"

Just then the fourth man walks in and says, "You know, I never thought my son would amount to anything. But then, just last week, his three lovers gave him a new Mercedes, a speedboat and a house!"

[thedrifter]

Seminars for Women ...


SEMINARS FOR WOMEN:

Once again, the male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital status. Please note, homework is mandatory. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is not mandatory.


Combatting the Impulse to Nag
You Can Change the Oil Too
PMS - Learning to Sleep Over at Mother's
How to Fill a Beer Mug
We do not want Stationary for Christmas - PUT ON SLEAZY UNDERTHINGS
Understanding the Female Cause of Male Drunkenness
How to Do All Your Laundry in One Load and Have More Time to Watch Football
Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children so You Could Have Someone Other Than Him to Boss Around
How Not to Sob Like a Sponge When Your Husband is Right
Get a Life - Learn to Kill Spiders Yourself
Balancing a Checkbook - Even You Can Get it Right
You, the Whining Sex
Reasons to Give _ _ _ _ _ _ _ S
How to Stay Awake During Sex
Why it is Unacceptable to Talk About Placentas During Breakfast
Shopping - Doing it in Less Than 16 Hours
#101 You Can Use a Bed for More Than Just Sleep
#102 It's OK to Do It Outside of the Bedroom
If You Want to Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
How to Close the Garage Door
If You Don't Want an Excuse, Don't Demand an Explanation
Payday and Shopping Are Not Synonymous
How to Go Fishing With Your Mate and Not Catch Pneumonia
Living Without Power Windows - How to Turn a Crank
Romanticism - The Whole Point of Caviar, Candles, and Conversation
How to Stay Alive While Your Husband is Relaxing
Putting On Something Sexy - Why it Won't Ruin Your Brain
How to Act Younger Than Your Mother
You Too Can Carry a Backpack
Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not the Women Who Complain About You the Most
Apologizing for Farting When You're On the Toilet is NOT Necessary
The Attainable Goal - Catching a Ball Before It Stops Moving
Honest, My Eyes Are Closed Because of the Passion I Feel

[thedrifter]

More Seminars for Women


In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered:


General Education:
GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
GE104: How to Parallel Park
GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

Home Economics:
HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Prematurely
HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How
to Cut Credit Cards in Half")
HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How
Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation
IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy
Watching Roller Derby
IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce
IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your
Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")
IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials
(formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator'
is REALLY For!")

Sex Education:
SE101a: How to Say "Yes"
SE101b: How to Say "No" But Mean "Yes"
SE102: Sex - It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore
SE103: Who Belongs on Top and Why
SE104: Lingerie - The Gift that Keeps On Giving
SE105: Sexual Alternatives for "That Time of the Month"
(formerly titled "Any Old Port in a Storm")
SE106: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)

[thedrifter]

And MORE Seminars for Women


Yes, now women too can enjoy special "just for her" seminars taught by our all-male faculty.


SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

"Are you ready to leave?"--Definition of the word "yes"
Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")
Elementary Map Reading
Crying and law enforcement
Advanced Math Seminar--Program your VCR
You can go shopping for less then 4 hours
Gaining five pounds v. the end of the world: a study in contrast
The Seven-Outfit Week
PMS--It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly
Since Puberty--Deal With It)
Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water
The Super Bowl: Not a Game--A Sacrament
Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You")
How to Earn Your Own Money
Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments
Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the embarrassment)
Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours
His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
Committment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
"To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do"
Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child Healing his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?

[thedrifter]

The Will of the People


This is all taken directly from the State of Oregon voter's pamphlet.

In Oregon, as in several states, we have what is called an initiative process. This allows anyone who can collect enough signatures on petitions to put anything they want up for a public vote. The first part is the measure itself.

The second part is one of the arguments in favor. You can have one of these put in the voter's pamphlet for $300.

This measure failed by only a 10% margin.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Measure No. 9, State of Oregon

BALLOT TITLE

AMENDS CONSTITUTION: GOVERNMENT CANNOT FACILITATE, MUST DISCOURAGE HOMOSEXUALITY, OTHER "BEHAVIORS"
QUESTION-Shall constitution be amended to require that all governments discourage homosexuality, other listed "behaviors," and not facilitate or recognize them?

SUMMARY-Amends Oregon Constitution. All governments in Oregon may not use their monies or properties to promote, encourage or facilitate homosexuality, pedophilia, sadism, or masochism. All levels of government, including public education system, must assist in setting a standard for Oregon's youth which recognizes that these "behaviors" are "abnormal, wrong, unnatural and perverse" and that they are to be discouraged and avoided. State may not recognize this conduct under "sexual orientation" or "sexual preference" labels, or through "quotas, minority status, affirmative action, or similar concepts."

ESTIMATE OF FINANCIAL IMPACT-Minimal financial impact. The Department of Education expects to make some in curriculum changes valued at $210,000 Federal Funds if this measure passes.


ARGUMENT IN FAVOR
According to the book of Leviticus in the Bible, Oyster eating, crossbreeding cattle, shaving a beard, wearing clothes made of mixed fibers, cursing one's parents and adultery are just as immoral as homosexuality. If the OCA's "No Special Rights" Committee wants to take one of the 3,000-year old laws of ritual holiness from Leviticus and put it into the Bill of Rights in the state constitution, they should be sincere enough to put all the rest of Leviticus into the constitution as well. It's simple matter of respect for these historic laws to treat them consistently.

We at the Special Righteousness Committee are just as offended by oyster eating, shaving and mixed fibers as the OCA is offended by homosexuality, and we have just as much right as the OCA does to change the state constitution to require government discrimination against people whose behavior we don't like.

My friends, do you want the public schools teaching your children that shaving is a legitimate and equal alternative style to a normal healthy beard? Would you want to be forced to hire an oyster-eater to direct your church choir? Adam and Eve wore fig leaves--100 percent fig leaves--and this is divine proof that those disgustingly unnatural cotton/polyester blends are sinful. And when the OCA was analyzing the threat to traditional family values, we don't know how they managed to overlook adultery! Why there's a lot more adultery than homosexuality going on out there, and extrapolations from the OCA statistics show that 90 percent of the people who have engaged in sexual perversions are heterosexual ("straight").

The state condones adultery by not punishing it by death as required by Leviticus. It promotes oyster-eating by licensing seafood restaurants, it allows people to take mixed fibers out in public without being fired or evicted! The state is encouraging sin!

If the OCA can have the special right to make their personal moral agenda into public policy, then anyone else also should be able to amend the state Bill of Rights to eliminate basic rights for people who they don't like.

Let's put ALL of Leviticus into the constitution! A "yes" vote is the first step in facilitating our militant moral agenda.

AGREE WITH US OR BURN IN HELL!


Special Righteousness Committee
(address deleted)

[thedrifter]

Redneck Cowboy




A redneck cowboy rides into a town on a hot blistering day riding his
horse with his dog following.



He ties his horse and the dog under the shade of a tree and the redneck
cowboy goes into the bar for a cold beer.



About 20 minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog
tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy tells him that its his.



The policeman says, "Your dog is in heat!"



The redneck cowboy answers, "No way the dogs in heat. He's cool, cause
he's tied under the shade of the tree."



The policeman says, "No, you don't understand, your dog needs to be
bred."



The redneck cowboy shakes his head and says, "No way the dog needs
bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning."



The policeman finally gets mad and says, "Look, your dog wants to have
sex."



The redneck cowboy looks at him and says "Go ahead, I always wanted a
police dog!!"

[thedrifter]

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.


"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"


"To kill my husband."



"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"



The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.


He takes the photo and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

[thedrifter]

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing.." the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the
Black Hills, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they
wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his
nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,"Leave her alone
now or you'll answer to me".

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago".

[Barrio_rat]

Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said,"Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son." Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil ting, too...."

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said,"Hold on, we still ain't got done The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!"

When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said,"Yeah, I do."

Bubba said, "Man, it's a good ting we didn't use no WD-40!

[Barrio_rat]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT - 2003 VERSION

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION HIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK OR TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SL-T - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PICTORIALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WH0RE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - he has GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG -He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
11. It is not his CRACK you see hanging out of his pants - It is REAR CLEAVAGE

[Barrio_rat]

Recent discoveries give indicators as to why the sea is so salty...

[Barrio_rat]

For your protection...

[Barrio_rat]

Caption reads "Sometimes you just have to cool that thing off!"

[thedrifter]

YOU NEED A LAUGH TODAY
> >
> > 1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
he
was
> > God and I didn't!
> >
> > 2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
> >
> > 3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
> >
> > 4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
> >
> > 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
> >
> > 6) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
> >
> > 7) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
> >
> > 8) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
> >
> > 9) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
> >
> > 10) NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh- why-is-the-room
> >
> > spinning medicine.
> >
> > 11) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
> >
> > 12) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
> >
> > 13) It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
> >
> > 14) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
> >
> > 15) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
> >
> > 16) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
> >
> > 17) To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
> >
> > 18) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
Up.
> >

[thedrifter]

After attending the funeral of a Nebraska mouse killed by an eighty
year
> old
> > lady with a broom, three mice, one from Kansas, one from Oklahoma
and
one
> > from Kentucky, are sitting at a bar trying to impress each other
with
how
> > tough they are.
> >
> > The Kansas mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty
glass
> > onto the bar, turns to the Iowa mouse and says, "When I see a
mousetrap,
I
> > lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes
down, I
> > catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an
appetite,
> > and then make off with the cheese."
> >
> > The Oklahoma mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down
one
> > after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the
Minnesota
> > mouse
> > and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as
I
can,
> > take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each
> morning
> > so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
> >
> > The Kansas mouse and the Oklahoma mouse then turn to the Kentucky
mouse.
> >
> > The Kentucky mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets
out a
> long
> > belch and says to the two, "I don't have time to sit here and
listen to
> your
> > lies,
> > I gotta go home and have sex with the cat."
> >

[thedrifter]

25 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS ABOUT THE "ATOMIC BOMB"
1. Is there any evidence that a thermonuclear device exploded over Hiroshima in 1945?

No, absolutely none. According to leading historians and physicists, the thermonuclear bomb was not invented until years after the supposed detonation over Japanese territory.

2. Is there any evidence that a uranium-based "atom bomb" was ever dropped onto Nagasaki, Japan?

Absolutely not. While many historians and journalists made this claim in the late 40's and early 50's, everyone now agrees that no such bomb ever exploded over Nagasaki. Yet there are some who still stubbornly cling to this supposed "fact."

3. What are the materials needed to make an "atom bomb?"

Uranium-238 and plutonium-239.

4. Aren't these materials radioactive?

Highly so. Anybody who attempts to use these materials is endangering his/her life.

5. Is it likely that nuclear scientists in the 40's would be handling uranium and plutonium?

This would be highly unlikely. Very few people felt so threatened by the Japanese to be willing to risk their lives on a theoretical chance of a superbomb that could end a far-away war a little sooner.

6. Aren't there witnesses to the atomic bomb in Hiroshima?

The only "witnesses" that could possibly survived this supposed explosion would have been blinded by the intense flash of light, so their testimony is quite unreliable and contradictory.

7. According to conventional historians, was the uranium bomb tested before supposedly being dropped over Hiroshima?

No. There was no testing whatsoever of a uranium bomb in Alamogordo or anywhere else before Hiroshima.

8. Isn't that strange?

Yes. Typical weapons are tested for months and years before deployment; there is no other weapon that according to the accepted "facts" deployed before any testing whatsoever.

9. How many witnesses are there for all of the atomic tests allegedly occuring during the fifties and sixties?

Very few, perhaps a few hundred, who claimed to have seen them.

10. What did the General Advisory Committee of the Atomic Energy Commission say in their report of October 30, 1949?

They recommended strongly against the development of what they called the "Super Bomb," which is simply a thermonuclear bomb. They said that "A super bomb might become a weapon of genocide."

11. Isn't this four years after Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

Yes. Obviously development of nuclear weapons occurred well after their supposed implementation in 1945.

12. Is radioactivity dangerous?

Everything is radioactive to some extent.

13. What was the triggering method of the bomb that supposedly was dropped on Hiroshima?

According to the standard historical accounts, it used a gun- assembly trigger.

14. Wasn't the gun-assembly method of triggering abandoned in the design stage?

Yes; according to these same sources the gun method would not work with uranium-derived plutonium-239 because some of the plutonium-239 absorbs a neutron to become plutonium-240, which undergoes spontaneous fission, all before supercriticality, causing a premature and very small explosion that is unusable for the very purpose that it was supposedly designed for!

15. How do conventional historians rectify these two "facts?"

They don't even attempt to.

16. How many books have been written about the atomic bomb?

Many hundreds, as well as thousands of articles in magazines and newspapers.

17. Why was Hiroshima "targeted," and not Tokyo?

Perhaps because no one had heard of Hiroshima, and no one knew anyone from there. It would be far more difficult to claim that Tokyo was bombed than Hiroshima and Nagasaki. In fact, most world maps from before "World War Two" do not even mention these cities at all.

18. How does Japan benefit from the "atom bomb" story?

As a direct result of the "war," Japan has received billions of dollars worth of US aid for its defense. Japan has essentially no defense budget, so it can pour resources through MITI into defeating the US economically, all while playing on the emotions of anti-"nuke" activists about the "horrors" of nuclear weapons.

19. Wow, I never thought of that. How else do the Japanese benefit from this story?

The Japanese now own major Hollywood studios, from which many war movies are produced. Also, they play upon our sympathy for the supposed "atom bomb" to blind us to the fact that this foreign nation had taken over our semiconductor industry, many California banks and practically the entire state of Hawaii.

This is all a part of the Japanese plot to take over the world. According to the "Protocols of the Elders of the Orient," this is a Japanese conspiracy all foretold by their ancient texts that very few Anglo-Saxons have the ability to read.

19. How many people are supposed to have died in the explosions?

It is hard to say. Some sources say 60,000 in Hiroshima, others say 140,000. No attempt has been made to rectify the various numbers.

20. How many people die annually from car accidents in the US?

Over 50,000.

21. So, what makes Hiroshima so special?

Nothing, especially given the contradictory evidence about it.

22. Boy, I'm mad. What should I do about this?

Glad you asked. First, send me lots of money so we can spread this message far and wide. Maybe we'll take out ads in college newspapers or something.

Second, direct your anger at the Japanese. We are the victims, and they are the aggressors. Make yourself feel important again by bashing Japan at every opportunity. Japanese people are inherently evil, and basically subhuman. They were never bombed, and if they would have been they would have deserved it. Who do they think they are, anyway?

Yes, we Revisionists have all the answers. Life is a lot simpler than you thought it was. Join us, and you won't have to be bothered anymore by any feelings of guilt for your inherent hatred. We can justify it! Oh, it's not the Japanese you hate, but the crippled? Hey - so do we! It's easy: we don't like feeling uncomfortable around people in wheelchairs, either! Who do they think they are, taking all the good parking spaces when they were stupid enough to slip on a banana peel? IT'S A CONSPIRACY! --See how easy it is to start? Now, just mix in a few real facts, and start converting all of the otherwise messed-up people to OUR CAUSE!

23. Wow! You mean that I could write stuff like this, too?

Sure! It's embarrasingly easy to write what we wrote above. In fact, it's even superior to the usual anti-Semitic revisionist garbage, because it has a higher percentage of REAL FACTS! Most of the apparent "contradictions" above come from the facts that Nagasaki was bombed by a plutonium bomb, not uranium; and that hydrogen bombs are thermonuclear, not atomic bombs. Just juggle information about the different types of bombs and mix them up so they seem to be contradicting each other. It doesn't take ANY INTELLIGENCE WHATSOEVER, and you can get lots of free air time on "48 Hours"!

Oh, I forgot to mention: I have a Japanese girlfriend who agrees with EVERY WORD I've written above. Here she is:

"Yes, I am his Japanese girlfriend. I love him very much, and I've always been troubled by my Japanese friends claiming to know people who died in Hiroshima."

There you have it! Just throw some unverifiable opinions on top of ridiculous proofs to STRENGTHEN YOUR CASE!

24. Couldn't I be arrested for this?

No! This country is founded on FREE SPEECH! But, just make sure that you mention how much you are being persecuted for saying your version of history. (More than three email messages a day qualify for being called harrassment. Five may merit a lawsuit.)

25. Where can I get more information?

Go to a library. Take a book at random. Skim it. Then, decide how that book is either for you or against you. If it is for you, quote liberally and out of context. If against you, do the same.

DON"T LET YOURSELF GET CONFUSED BY THE FACTS! We certainly don't!

[thedrifter]

Sensual guide to departments

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.


and, most importantly,


Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

[thedrifter]

Tormenting Telemarketers

Tormenting Telmarketers - A Game You Can Play at Home!

Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer. The new Scourge of the Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to sell. Well, the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take control of our own phones. We need to take the "market" out of Telemarketing.


Premise: Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales.
If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy
what you are selling.

Counter-Tactic: Waste as much of their time as you can. For each
minute that you waste means several potential customers that
will not be reached. Make Telemarketing unprofitable. Hanging
up only increases the changes for them to make a sale. Don't
let this happen!

Hints: Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making
minimum wage, and reads a script. Let them finish. It's
easy points, and you were watching Star Trek and weren't
using your phone anyway. It's easy to keep them interested
using "attentive grunting," similar to when your mother calls.

Scoring:

Basic Point System:
For each minute spent on the phone 10 pts.
Getting transfered to someone who makes
more than minimum wage 15 pts
For each minute spent on the phone with
person making more than minimum wage 25 pts

Bonus Points:
Getting them to repeat part of the "script" 5 pts/each
Getting answers to stupid questions 15 pts/each
Changing the subject 50 pts/each
Making the sales person angry 175 pts
Making the sales person use profanity 750 pts
Get their boss on the phone, and tell them
the salesman used profanity 1500 pts
Getting their 1-800- number 10 pts
Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as
a free "Phone Sex" line 50 pts
Checking the number a week later and it is
busy or disconnected 5000 pts

Example:

<Ring>
Me: Yes?
Them: Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning
and we're in your area [...]
[start clock->] Them: [...] would like to know it you are interested?
Me: Sure...
Them: Well, we are currently offering [...]
Them: [...] depending on the size of the rooms.
Me: Well, how much for the whole house?
[15 bonus pts!] Them: Let me transfer you to <???>
Them: Sir?
Me: Yes?
[25 pts/min!] Them: How large is your house?
Me: Oh, about 2,000 sqft.
Them: [...] Well, that would be about $xxx
[stupid ?] Me: It won't hurt the floor, will it?
Them: Oh, no! We use a [...this usually takes some time!...]
and is completely safe.
[stupid ?] Me: Even with my pets?
Them: Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]
Me: Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
Them: Yes, and we do that with [...]
[repeat!] Me: But the original offer was for $39.95, does that
include treating for pets?
Them: [...]
[subject change]Me: Well, it is kindof dirty. The guys were over for
the game. Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?
Them: Yes.
Me: What a game! That last touchdown pass! Wasn't that
a great play?
Them: Well, back to your house...
Me: Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
Them: [...]
[subject change]Me: Do you clean furniture, too? Those guys spilled some
beer. Have you smelled old beer on furniture before?
But what a game, eh?! I couldn't believe that they
couldn't move the ball in the second quarter...
[...]
[angry???] Them: Ahem... Would you like us to come out?
Me: Well, when could you come out?
Them: How about next week?
Me: Hmmm... Morning or afternoon?
Them: Either would be fine.
Me: Do you have anything the week after?
Them: Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?

[Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:]

Me: Well, I don't think it matters, since I have all
hardwood floors here!
Them: Dammit! <Yes! 250 points!>
<click>

[thedrifter]

Waitpersons from hell


You know them... those waiters/waitresses who turn obsequiousness into a weapon, whose solicitous inquiries are perfectly timed to destroy your jokes and intimate moments... something like this:

YOU: ... so, finally, the third farmer turns to the bartender and says, "Hey, that's not a duck, that's---"

[Waiter appears out of nowhere]

WAITER: How is everything? [beams smugly]

YOU: Fine. So he says, "Hey, that's not a duck, that's a---"

WAITER: Can I get you anything else to drink? [All the glasses are full]

YOU: No, no. Anyway, "That's not a duck, that's a---"

WAITER: [to your companion] And for you, madam?

HER: Hmm? Oh, let me see...

[You give up; the waiter returns to the kitchen triumphantly]

Later...

YOU: ... and the doctor looked at the X-ray yesterday and told me that if I didn't have the operation, eventually it would get so big that they'd have to cut off my---

[Waiter materializes from thin air, bends over the table to refill the water glasses, coming in between you and her.]

WAITER: Go ahead, don't let me interrupt you.

[You pointedly ignore the waiter, drumming your fingers on the table top.]

HER: Well, go on, what was it they would have to cut off?

[You stare helplessly at her while the waiter refills the salt and pepper shakers at your table.]

HER: Come on, aren't you going to tell me?

[The waiter finishes with the condiments and moves away.]

YOU: [recovering your composure and remembering the gravity of the moment] Well, it's no big deal, they just may have to remove my---

WAITER: [turning back in a lightning maneuver] Excuse me, I nearly forgot the tabasco sauce, here you are.

Another victory. Later...

YOU: [looking around to make sure the waiter is nowhere in sight] ... and I just wanted to tell you, every time I'm with you I feel like the world is new, and my heart fills up with---

[A dessert tray appears by the table, the waiter sprinting to get it there in time.]

WAITER: Some dessert? We have plain cheesecake, chocolate cheesecake, chocolate chip cheesecake, chocolate fudge cheesecake, dutch chocolate cheesecake---

YOU: NOT NOW! [Attempt to get back into romantic mood, ignoring waiter] My heart just fills up with---

WAITER: Okay, I'll come back later. Can I bring you some coffee while you're making up your mind?

YOU: [trying to drown him out] MY HEART JUST FILLS UP WITH---

HER: Did you say bittersweet chocolate cheesecake?

WAITER: I'll see if we have any left.

[Game, set, and match]

[thedrifter]

Allnighters....


NOTE: an all-nighter means missing one night's worth of sleep.


Heated "Less-filling" "Tastes great" debate.
Need to figure out which way is east. Wait for sunrise.
Watching Professional Wrestling.
Writing script to "Problem Child 3" in an attempt to put to rest all the unanswered questions from 1 and 2.
Cramming for a test you have the following week.
Waiting for friend to call back with answer to "How do you keep an idiot up all night?"
Anything involving latin, Taylor's series, or heat transfer.
Attempting to discover how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
Slightly confused on that whole 5 o'clock shadow thing.
Listening to every CD you own using that cool "intro" feature that comes in SO handy with every CD player available.
John Wayne-a-thon on channel 2.
Trying to figure out all the words to that Nirvana song.
UCBTalking to anyone you won't ever spend intimate time with. Same goes for IRC and Broadcast.
Watering plants. Dead plants. Rocks. Dirt. The cat.
Trying to draw a perfect circle freehand, with crayons.
Singing along with "Achy Breaky Heart" over and over again. What catchy lyrics that song has, eh?
Second-guessing your clock. (Also works well with Traffic Lights, and simply anything that blinks on and off forever)
Driving to every 7-11 (or Circle K) in town, just to check that they are being faithful to their "Open 24 Hours" policies.
Tring to figure out just why Wil Wheaton is a star.
Pricking yourself with a pin every 5 minutes, just for the heck of it.
Reading all the articles in your entire Playboy collection to see how relevant they are to today's economy.
Spinning round and round in circles until you get so dizzy you hurl. Repeat in opposite direction. Figure out which way makes you blow chunks faster. Try to keep spinning while heaving.
Coming up with as many colorful euphemisms for the term "vomit" as possible. (e.g. spew, yak, ralph, etc...)
Thinking about ways the world would be different if there was no cement.
Spelunking. In your basement.
Price shopping for beef jerky at any 24-hour supermarkets.
Thinking about that 14-year old brat who sent in $1000 to Clinton, when you splurge on a Whopper Combo.
Making popcorn, or blowing balloons. (Sorry, inside joke. They are still NOT good reasons to pull an all-nighter, however)
Pulling out each strand in a Koosh ball. Reassemble the koosh ball. Repeat. Juggle on occasion.
Pretending it is really 12 hours later than it is. (i.e. Going to classes, eating lunch, waiting for the soaps to come on...)
Just watching that flashing 12:00 on your VCR because you looked at your other clocks already, and are simply looking for a second opinion.
Rearranging your room all night long, attempting to make the WORST setup possible, just to show that you would do such a thing.
Learn how to communicate better with the animal kingdom.
Trying to figure out how that counter works on a VCR. Once you do figure it out, borrow a friend's VCR. Repeat until insane.
Memorizing all the area codes. (Other good things: local phone prefixes, zip codes, time zones, etc...)
Wanting to see cool times on your clock like 1:23, 6:66, 4:56, 00:69, 6:30, etc... (If you actually look for some of these times, you may end up waiting more than all night...)
Pulling all your hair out so you can organize it by color, length, thickness, straightness. Continue doing so until they haul you off to the loony bin.
Learning sanskrit, serbo-croatian, ancient french, klingon, or any other language you probably won't have much call for.
Anything that has to do with Star Trek. (ESPECIALLY watching Star Trek 5 or 1 really... or that Deep Space show....)
Catching up with all those missed episodes of Coach you taped, so you can follow along with the current, in-depth plotline.
Buying large amounts of bubble wrap, popping it ALL, then using it to ship stuff. Breakable stuff.
You HAVE a life, yet you spend it reading lists like this.
Getting high on Marks-A-Lot markers.
Holding yourself hostage, but not telling anyone. Make large demands.
Trying to find food combinations that taste really bad.
Pondering all the hardships Michael Jackson has gone through in his life. Writing him a sympathy card would be a nice touch.
House of cards.
Reliving the war. Any war. Maybe a childhood schoolyard fight. Maybe just you stubbing your toe on that damned couch again.
Playing with heat-sensitive toys.
Writing "Top 50" lists. Be creative.

[thedrifter]

At The Christmas Play

The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel lit the candle', you come onstage and light all the candles."

"I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be the one picked.

Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made his interest.

The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant "...and the angel lit the candle," and everyone looked stage right for the entrance. No little boy. The director gave the downbeat again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him - "...and the angel lit the candle," and again, all eyes looked stage right. No little boy.

The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures, and the choir thundered into the line - the curtains belled slightly from the sound - "...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"

And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right "...and the cat peed on the matches!"

[thedrifter]

The Complete Guide to Apartment Ad Deciphering
**********************************************


What They Say What It Means

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
spacious hole in the wall
to anyone living in their car
that's why we're charging $200 above the
going rate

easy access to transportation Particularly in Mountain View and
Sunnyvale, this can mean:
(a) in the flight path of Moffet Field
(b) next to the railroad tracks
(c) next to a major road/freeway/highway
(d) a&b, b&c, c&a above
(e) all of the above

friendly staff Doberman pincher mentality

free utilities That's the only way we can entice people
in this dump.
Would you pay this high rent AND the
water and garbage?

heated pool only when the sun's out
only when there's water in it

workout room four walls, some free weights, a machine
or two and a clunky stationary bike

great views reach out and touch your neighbor!
overlooking the garbage dumpster
overlooking the pool
overlooking the cute guys/gals apartment

affordable to:
(a) anyone with an income of $100 K
(b) anyone with wealthy parents
(c) anyone who is wealthy
(d) anyone who wants to spend $$$ on housing

"Please fill out our "What?! You didn't fill out the annual
marketing survey." income? We can't show you anything
until you fill that out. You won't?
I'm sorry, but we can't show you anything."

pets welcome kids aren't
we just never got the odor out

AEK All Electricity Kancelled
EEk!

W/D Will be Disgusted
Worried/Depressed people

AC Atrocious Carpeting

WWC Wall to Wall Crap

great rent bargains! located in East Palo Alto
(Complex insurance does not cover bullet
holes in car, self-protection devices,
frequent theft and/or life insurance)

light and airy built as cheap as we could
cold and drafty

secure parking the manager's apartment overlooks the
parking lot
"No one's been robbed on the street."
covered parking

move in bonus! no one else wants it
it hasn't been rented in six months
includes last tenant's stuffed parrot

!!! desperation is directly linked to the
number of "!"s used

rustic classic 60's decor
nothing has been fixed since the Loma Prieta
earthquake
outhouse is in the back
only one heating vent

[thedrifter]

ISlAmaBAD Airport?


Air-to-ground conversation involving BOAC pilot approaching Karachi (Pakistan) International Airport:

Pilot: Speedbird 7-0-7 here. Request permission to land on runway 42- Left.

Tower: Sorry, Speedbird 7-0-7. Runway 42-Left is closed. There was an unfortunate incident yesterday. But you are cleared for landing on runway 19-Right.

Pilot: Roger Karachi tower. Proceeding on approach pattern.

[As the pilot enters final approach, he is appalled to see a 747 taking off from that runway and heading straight at him. After taking violent evasive action, the conversation resumes]

Pilot: Karachi Tower. What is going on ?? You cleared me for landing on runway 19-Right, but there was another plane taking off from there !!!

Tower: Oh dear. I do hope we will not have a repeat of yesterday.

[thedrifter]

Baah Baah Black Sheep

There was this white missionary working in the jungles of Africa with a local tribe there.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief got pregnant and eventually gave birth. The Chief was utterly shocked when he found out that the baby was a white boy. He was really confused so he decided to pay a visit to the missionary.

"Father, my wife gave birth to a baby"

"Why, that's a very good news, Chief. Congrats"

"But Father, it is a white boy!?!?!?"

The missionary thinks for sometime and in a deep voice replies, "Well Chief, sometimes nature does work in some strange ways.... The other day I was taking a stroll along the mountain side and I saw this beautiful black sheep in a herd of white sheep.."

The Chief looked very surprised and was silent for a moment before he spoke,

"Okay Father, here's the deal. You tell no one, and I'll tell no one."

[thedrifter]

Children's Books to Avoid

Top 26 Children's Books Not recommended by the National Library Assoc.


26. Bob the Germ's Wonderous Journey Into and Back Out of Your
Digestive System.

25. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civillians.

24. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge.

23. Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures.

22. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The 'Hood'.

21. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.

20. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.

19. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.

18. The Tickling Babysitter

17. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides.

16. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.

15. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.

14. Babar Meets the Taxedermist and Becomes a Piano.

13. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.

12. David Duke's World of Imagination.

11. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.

10. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.

9. Legends of Scab Football.

8. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.

7. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.

6. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't
Remember the Endings to All of them.

5. Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom's
Purse.

4. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.

3. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.

2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.

1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.

[thedrifter]

Creationism FAQ

WARNING FOR THE HUMOR IMPAIRED--THIS IS SATIRE

These are smilies :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) Use them liberally where indicated.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There has been a considerable call for a Creationist FAQ, which doesn't seem to be forthcoming in any great hurry. In the interests of facilitating matters I have decided to jump the gun and provide a provisional Creationist FAQ. Regard this as a provisional effort; I am not an expert in these matters and may have erred in a few small details. Criticisms and suggestions for improvement are welcome. Speculations on my private life will be met with dignified silence.


Q: What is the principle evidence for Creationism?
A: The Holy Bible, of course. After all, is it likely that the author
of the Universe would be mistaken about its age?

Q: But isn't the Bible religion and not science?
A: Truth is truth. It's a poor sort of science that ignores truth.

Q: But isn't there a lot of evidence for evolution?
A: Not really, most of it is from university professors writing papers
for each other. If they didn't write papers they wouldn't have jobs.

Q: How big was Noah's ark?
A: Big enough.

Q: But what about radioactive dating?
A: Hey, everybody knows that stuff is bad for you. Stick with good
Christian girls.

Q: What about the fossil evidence?
A: The real fossils are university professors writing papers for each
other.

Q: Is there any other evidence for Creationism besides the Bible?
A: Yes.

Q: Can you give us some?
A: Yes.

Q: Could you give us a specific example?
A: Yes.

Q: What be a specific example of evidence for Creationism?
A: I've already answered that question.

Q: What about the Antarctic ice core data?
A: Now I put it to you. Coop up a bunch of men in a Quonset hut in the
worst weather in the world, with nothing to do but gather data and
drink, and what do you expect?

Q: Did the dinosaurs coexist with man?
A: Look, the liberals were preaching coexistence with the Communists,
and you saw what happened to them.

Q: Should Creationism be taught along with Evolution in the schools?
A: Creationism should be taught instead of Evolution in the schools.

Q: Doesn't the Geologic Column prove that the Earth is very old?
A: The geologic column proves that some things are on top of other things
and some things are underneath other things. But we already knew that,
didn't we.

Q: Hasn't Evolution been demonstrated in the laboratory?
A: Students are demonstrating everywhere these days. To their shame,
many professors are demonstrating also.

Q: Aren't Hawiian wallabies an example of Evolution in action?
A: No.

Q: Why not?
A: Because they aren't.

Q: What is a kind?
A: A kind is cards of the same rank. Thus 4 aces and a king are four
of a kind, but four spades and a heart are not.

Q: Doesn't genetic variation indicate that life has been going on a long time?
A: Let's be up front about this. That's deviation, not variation, and yes,
there is a lot of deviancy out there. That just shows that there has been
a lot of Sin since the garden of Eden.

Q: What about Neanderthal Man?
A: Hey, you take one of those geezers and put him in tweeds and give him a
pipe and he could be a professor anywhere.

Q: Some scientists state that the earth's continents are drifting
around on top of a molten interior which has shaped life as we
see it now. Are they right?
A: As you well know the Bible says that beneath the surface of the
earth is Hell where there is eternal fires and brimstone. If
the continents appear to be moving around that is Satan's doing.

Q: Why do almost all of the scientists believe in Evolution?
A: The real scientists don't. As for the rest of them, that's a very good
question, isn't it?

Q: Are you talking about a Satanic conspiracy?
A: Did I say anything about a conspiracy? You might want to think about
the shape the world is in since the Evolutionists and the Liberal
Humanists captured academia and Evolution is hand in hand with Godless
Communism and crime in the streets but I certainly wouldn't want to
say anything about a Satanic conspiracy. I just want you to think
about it with an open mind.

[thedrifter]

Wackos, FBIncompetents, original, funny!

These are some memos found in the trash behind the primary building of the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C. They're probably classified information, and possession of them on your computer system no doubt is considered a federal offense. Enjoy!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
>Sir:
This small Wacko cult isn't giving in. Do you have any instructions?
Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Try playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day. That should
get the point across.
The Director

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
>Sir:
Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing "Feelings" over
and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing the Wacko folks
that the end of the world is at hand. They're a bit less cooperative now.
Any more suggestions?
Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Add searchlights at night. And add to the playlist something by
The Partridge Family.
Still The Director

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
>Sir:
They like the Partridge Family.
Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Sickos.
STD

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
>Sir:
We're getting bored out here. Can we go in now?
Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Not until we've wiped their reputation a bit. Notify the reporters
about Koresh's sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
The Director and Producer

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
>Sir:
We have no substantiated reports of sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Do you have a point?
The Brilliant

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
>Sir:
Unsubstantiated rumors of baby frog abuse will not withstand scrutiny.
Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
What scrutiny are you expecting, agent? Who's going to stand up for
a cult leader who's abused baby frogs?
Better than Brilliant

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
>Sir:
We've had a tiny accident at the compound.
Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
How tiny?
Better than Brilliant,
but slighty Worried

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
>Sir:
It kind of like, burned down. Sort of. Sir.
Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Notify the press the cultists committed mass suicide by burning down
their compound.
Brilliant, Almost Godlike

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
>Sir:
We haven't gathered any evidence at all yet, let alone of
a mass suicide.
Pretty Good Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Do you have a point?
Try to remain more formal in your memos.
The BAG Director

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
>Sir:
No sir, thank you sir.
Agent 2x3276

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: President Billy Bob Clinton
>Will:
What the hell are you folks doing over there?
Bill

>To: President William Clinton
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Sir:
Just doing our best to maintain law and order on a cult of
baby-frog-abusing Partridge Family fans, sir.
Director Sessions

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: President Billy Bob Clinton
>Will:
Oh. Okay.
Mr. Bill

>To: Members of the Press
>From: President William Clinton
>Dear Members of the Press:
The FBI has informed me of a tiny error they've made. I take full
reponsibility. It wasn't my fault.
The President

[thedrifter]

No charge for admission!


So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says, "Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place." Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free. Back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says "Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything."

[thedrifter]

Ronald macdonald

I should state that Ronald MacDonald is probably a registered trademark of the MacDonald's Restaurant Corporation of America or something.

I recently saw an advertisement for MacDonalds. In it, a young girl is talking to Ronald MacDonald. The setting is somewhere in North America, most likely, judging from the accents and scenery. The girl says she's running away to MacDonaldLand, and Ronald says, "MacDonaldland? That's where I'm from."

Suddenly, it all made sense. Why is Ronald MacDonald, the grotesquely made-up and attired being, so far from MacDonaldland, the only place where he could fit in? Obviously, he's in exile.

A few years ago in MacDonaldLand, Mayor McCheese, having grown paranoid and megalomaniacal in his years secluded in his mayoral residence, declared a state of emergency. He rationalized this act by pointing out increased felonious activities by the Hamburgler, and obliquely referring to rumors that those French-Fry Weasels (whose names I forget) were carrying some sort of disease. Mayor McCheese's brother, the police officer with a similarly hamburger-shaped head (whose name I also forget), rounded up the Hamburgler, the Hamburgler's family, business associates of the Hamburgler, the French-Fry Weasels, and any life forms in MacDonaldLand who veered too much from basic hamburger-humanoid form. These purges were justified by a new theory of eugenics, which stated that large, round, flat heads with lettuce in them are signs of a higher form of life, a sort of Hamburgerubermensch, who were divinely granted sole political power of MacDonaldLand. Obviously, Ronald MacDonald, not being a Hamburgerubermensch, did not fit it, and yet the people would not accept his execution, since he was beloved by all and besides his great-grandfather, Helmut MacDonald, founded MacDonaldLand, so instead of being killed or forced to work in the salt mines with the other victims of the purges or being ground into a paste and turned into Big Macs for sale abroad, he was exiled to the United States, due to the friendly relations the United States had always had with MacDonaldLand, a result of the tireless efforts of the US Ambassador to MacDonaldLand, Ray A. Kroc.

But then, why would Ronald MacDonald just casually try to talk the young girl out of running away to MacDonaldLand, instead of sternly warning her against the dangers there? Obviously, he harbors a great resentment against Americans. Perhaps he is angry that we did not intervene and stop the human rights abuses perpetrated by Mayor McCheese (after all, the declaration of a state of emergency did happen during the Reagan Presidency), or perhaps he's just a snob. "Stupid Americans!" he mutters to himself at night, as he sits at his formica table while drinking cheap coffee and reading the only MacDonaldLand-language newspaper printed in the U.S., "they dress like fools! Drab colors...no bright yellow smocks or oversized red shoes...and like barbarians, they do not paint their faces! When I show them the sign of the arches, they stare at me as if I'd gone mad! Were they educated with pigs?" Late at night, he hangs around the mini- playgrounds built outside of MacDonald's franchises. "It is, so little," he whispers, before taking a swig of bourbon from a bottle he thinks he's hiding in a paper bag, "but it reminds me of home."

[thedrifter]

More Writer's Euphemisms for Death

Additional Technical Writer's Euphemisms for Death


13. Lost in translation.
12. Widowed and orphaned.
11. Formatted with black borders.
10. Moved into upper management.
9. Went on-line.
8. Deleted from the BOM.
7. Permanently Out of Print.
6. Printed white-on-white.
5. Remaindered.
4. Mailed in his/her warranty card.
3. Collapsed his/her outline.
2. Was struck out by the Big Blue Pencil.



And, the Number One Technical Writing Euphemism for Death...


1. Inspired a new Warning message.

[thedrifter]

Rush Limbaugh as TV Wrestler.

What is the difference between Rush Limbaugh and a TV Wrestler?

Consider:


TV Wrestler Rush

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Male As far as we know.

White (usually) As far as we know.

Fat Definitely

Wears tight suits Yep.

Roars to adoring crowds. UnHuh.

Sponsored by obscure Sponsored by chain of
companies. Tall and Fat Stores.

Always on TV. yep.

Usually on Obscure yep.
Stations.

Appeals to bizarre Probably.
audience segment.

Doesn't seem to accom-
plish much but make money. yep.

Engages in low brow stunts. Yep.

Entertains more then informs. yep.



Well, I guess if he wants to the WWF always has room for him. Maybe he could become a conservative TV Wrestler. "Loud Man." he would wear a black and white suit and shout at all the bad wrestlers.

[thedrifter]

Gender testing

"Are you male or female?"

Take this test and find out for sure



1. Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are:
a. one
b. almost a dozen

2. When parking your car in a public garage you:
a. toss your keys jauntily to the attendant
b. hand your keys over politely

3. You haven't shaved in 4 days. The resulting stubble can be
construed as:
a. sexy
b. gross

4. At the doctor's, a common request would be:
a. "Cough."
b. "Would you like to scoot down just a little more dear?"

5. As a sporty person, you need athletic support with:
a. one cup
b. two cups

6. When you're feeling insecure, what you say to your best friend is:
a. nothing
b. "Do I look fat?"

7. You've slept with several hundred people, one term used to describe
you would be:
a. sports legend
b. tramp

8. The age it hits home that junk food will devastate your body is:
a. 35
b. 14

9. When you hear the words "hand wash," the first thing that comes to
your mind is:
a. your car
b. panty hose

10. It`s the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of the ninth, score
tied. Bases are loaded with 2 outs. The man at bat has a .311
average against southpaws, and the pitcher is a lefty. Your mate
turns to you and says, "Do you want a back rub?" You are:
a. too busy screaming at the TV to even hear the question
b. daydreaming

11. Your idea of basic pump is:
a. an athletic shoe made by Nike
b. a heeled shoe made by Fayva

12. Multiple Orgasms are something you:
a. give
b. get

SCORING

a = 1 point b = 2 points

0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you have a greater
lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and a select
few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.

13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means you will live
longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt in
polite company and a select few of your sex can look forward to
being president someday.

[thedrifter]

How to stay stressed


How To Stay Stressed

---------------


Although the De Anza Health Office long been an advocate of stress management, stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints of students, faculty, and staff alike. On account of this, we have come to the following conclusion: YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED! The following provides you with a few reasons why.


STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT. Anyone as stressed as you must be
working very hard and, therefore,
is probably doing something very
crucial.

IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL Anyone as busy as you are certainly
DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY. can't be expected to form emotional
attachments to anyone. And let's
face it, you're not much fun to be
around anyway.

IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES. Obviously you're too stressed to be
given any more work. This gets you
off the hook for all the mundane
chores; let someone else take care
of them.

IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH. Stress might be considered a cheap
thrill, and you can give yourself a
"hit" anytime you choose. But be
careful, you might get addicted to
your own adrenaline.

IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS. Why risk being "successful" when by
simply staying stressed you can
avoid all of that? Stress can keep
your performance level low enough
that success won't ever be a threat.

STRESS ALSO LETS YOU KEEP YOUR The authoritarian style of "Just do
AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE. what I say!" is generally permissi-
ble under crisis conditions. If
you maintain a permanently stressed
crisis atmosphere, you can justify
an authoritarian style all the time.

Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble
if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that
could be spent worrying.

EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke can't
cleanse your system, a balanced
diet isn't likely to.

GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 25
pounds over your recommended
weight.

TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine,
nicotine, sugar, and cola will
continue to do the job just fine.

AVOID "WOO-WOO" PRACTICES. Ignore the evidence suggesting
that meditation, yoga, deep
breathing, and/or mental imaging
help to reduce stress. The
Protestant work ethic is good for
everyone, Protestant or not.

GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL Let the few friends who are
SUPPORT SYSTEM. willing to tolerate you know that
concern yourself with friendships
only if you have time, and you
never have time. If a few people
persist in trying to be your
friend, avoid them.

PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect
of your work, family, dog, house,
or car is mounting a personal
attack. Don't take time to
listen, be offended, then return
the attack!

THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Staying stressed is no laughing
matter, and it shouldn't be
treated as one.

MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO. Never ever ask for help, and if
you want it done right, do it
yourself!

BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else,
and be sure to take work home
evenings and weekends. Keep
reminding yourself that vacations
are for sissies.

DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every
day than you can possibly get done
and then worry about it all
whenever you get a chance.

PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last
second always produces a marvelous
amount of stress.

WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T Worry about the stock market,
CONTROL. earthquakes, the approching Ice
Age, you know, all the big issues.

BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT ...and either beat yourself up, or
SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS... feel guilty, depressed, discour-
aged, and/or inadequate when you
don't meet them."

[thedrifter]

Family Stress Test


Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.


1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can
talk."

2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

3. ____ The cat is on Valium.

4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to
speak through clenched teeth.

5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number
of people in the family.

7. ____ No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

8. ____ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

9. ____ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out
the trash.

10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:

30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little
going on in your life. Crank it up.

10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled
life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered
a parallel career path?

0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?

[thedrifter]

Suggestion box

Options for creating an anonymous suggestion box for the Dean.


1) Slip note under Dean's door.
Pro - Simple.
Would cost less to implement than generating this report.
Con - Only small notes fit.
Not too anonymous in the middle of the day.

2) Put note in box outside Dean's office.
Pro - Simple.
Anonymity reasonable during the day.
Box can be easily emptied into trash at end of day.
Con - Requires ability to find the Dean's office.
Suggestions weighing more a few pounds unworkable.
Box can be easily emptied into trash at end of day.
Will probably get more gum wrappers that suggestions.

3) Mail to an address that strips off headers and forwards to Dean.
Pro - Easy to do from anywhere in the building.
Big messages not a problem.
Electronic messages are easy to delete.
Con - Won't be able to strip .signature files from the end of messages.
Requires users have access to e-mail.
Electronic messages are easy to delete.
Requires Dean read e-mail

4) A 'suggest' command that sends message to appropriate place.
Pro - No problem with signatures.
Fairly simple.
Con - Requires that users remember command exists.
Requires an account and the ability to create a file on Unix.
Requires Dean read e-mail.

5) Printer in Dean's office for suggestions.
Pro - Hard copy made of suggestions.
Draws attention to itself, increasing the likelyhood suggestions
may be looked at.
Con - Printer must be on.
Queue not anonymous during printing.
Temptation to send the Kama Sutra may be too great for some.

6) Suggestion posted anonymously to public news group.
Pro - Keeps people aware suggestion service exits.
Suggestions more likely to be dealt with in some manner.
Others can comment on suggestion along with the Dean.
Con - Some suggestions too personal to be posted.
Requires Dean read news.

7) Coup d'etat.
Pro - Eliminates need for anonymity.
Eliminates need for suggestions.
Con - Difficult to automate.

[thedrifter]

TOO FUNNY!!



Forwarded Message [ Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase | Download File ]
From: "Payne Capt Cornell A" <PayneCA@mcrc.usmc.mil>
To: "'Casullivan3@aol.com'" <Casullivan3@aol.com>
Subject: FW: oops!!!....
Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2003 12:53:42 -0400



HTML Attachment [ Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase | Download File ]




Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM
> morning show in Chicago.
>
> The DJs play a game where they award winners great
> prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call
> someone at work and ask if they are married or
> seriously involved with someone.
>
> If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then
> asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The
> person is also asked to divulge the name of their
> partner (with phone number) for verification. If their
> partner answers those same three questions correctly,
> they both win the prize. One particular game, however,
> several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop
> to its knees with laughter.
>
> Anyway, here's how it all went down:
>
> DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard
> of 'MateMatch'?"
>
> Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
>
> DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to
> Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First
> only please."
>
> Contestant: "Brian."
>
> DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
>
> Brian: "Yes."
>
> DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're
> what?"
>
> Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
>
> DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First
> only please."
>
> Brian: "Sara."
>
> DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
>
> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
>
> DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
>
> Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
>
> DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you
> had sex?"
>
> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
>
> DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
>
> Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
>
> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>
> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
>
> DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
>
> Brian: "About 10 minutes."
>
> DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would
> ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
>
> Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
>
> DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8
> o'clock this morning?"
>
> Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
>
> DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
>
> Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is
> staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
>
> DJ: "Uh huh..."
>
> Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at
> the time."
>
> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>
> Brian: "On the kitchen table."
>
> DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the
> previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I
> will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number
> and call her up. You listen to this."
>
> (3 minutes of commercials follow.)
>
> DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
>
> (touch tones.... ringing....)
>
> Clerk: "Kinkos."
>
> DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
>
> Clerk: "This is she."
>
> DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on
> the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for
> a couple of hours now."
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
>
> DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.
> Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll
> lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of
> 'MateMatch'?"
>
> Sarah: "No."
>
> DJ: "Good!"
>
> Brian: (laughing)
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up
> to?"
>
> Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly,
> okay? Be completely honest."
>
> DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3
> questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's
> answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando,
> Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World.
> Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it
> Sarah?"
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>
> DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
>
> Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian
> went to work."
>
> DJ: "What time?"
>
> Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
>
> DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
>
> Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
>
> DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is
> trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last
> question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip
> to Florida. Are you ready?"
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>
> DJ: "Where did you have it?"
>
> Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that,
> did you?"
>
> Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
>
> DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
>
> Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing
> with us and..."
>
> DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
>
> Sarah: "Up the ass....."
>
> After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to
> take a station break....."

[thedrifter]

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge

cork stuck in his butt.



"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork

looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"



"I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a

huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and

top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie.

I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No ****?"

[CPLRapoza]

That last one is classic.

[Barrio_rat]

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven.

As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said Hillary. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" asked Hillary.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Phantom Blooper]

THE WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF 1. Monica Lewinsky.... 2. O.J. Simpson....3.Ted Kennedy.... 4. Bill Clinton....WHY YOU ASK?well,,,,,,,,, 1. Monica is a Hooker....2. O.J. is a Slicer....3. Ted can't drive over water,and 4. Bill can't remember which hole he played last......

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Things Overheard in the White House

10. Socks just has to go on a very long vacation, that's all.

9. Dad, who are those people on the lawn trying to look through my windows?

8. How many times have your father and I told you not to tickle the man with the briefcase handcuffed to his wrist, young lady?

7. We all would have liked for your friend to come over to play, Chelsea, but she's a foreign national.

6. I'm sorry the secret service guard wouldn't let you kiss your date, honey, but he was just being careful.

5. No, I can't come to school for career day, Chelsea.

4. That's MY chair, Hillary.

3. Chelsea, just because your mother and I smoke it doesn't mean you can.

2. Because I'm the President, THAT'S why.

1. My dad? He's taking a nap, President Yeltsin. Can I take a message?

[thedrifter]

WifeSpeak Translated

"The Modern Man's Guide to Understanding His Wife"



WIFESPEAK ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
--------- ------- ----------
* You want <==> You want
* We need <==> I want
* It's your decision <==> The right decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want <==> You'll pay for this later
* We need to talk <==> I need to complain
* Sure,... go ahead <==> I don't want you to
* I'm hungry <==> (a) Make me something to eat
(b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together
your last $$, and go drive across town
and get me something to eat. ... I don't
care if what you are doing is important.
* I'm not upset <==> Of course I'm upset, you moron
* You're,... so manly <==> You need a shave and you sweat a lot
* You're certainly <==> Is sex all you ever think about?
attentive tonight
* I'm not emotional! <==> I'm having my period
And I'm not over-
reacting!
* Be romantic, turn <==> I have flabby thighs
out the lights.
* This kitchen is so <==> I want a new house
inconvenient
* The car is empty <==> Go fill it up
* The trash is full <==> Take it out
* The dog is barking <==> Go outside in your underwear and see what is
wrong
* I want new curtains <==> and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
* I need wedding shoes <==> the other 40 pair are the wrong shade of white
* Hang the picture <==> NO! I mean hang it there!
there
* I heard a noise <==> I noticed you were almost asleep
* Do you love me? <==> I'm going to ask for something expensive
* How much do you love <==> I did something today you're really not going
me? to like

In answer to "What's Wrong?"

* Nothing <==> Everything
* Everything <==> My PMS is acting up
* Nothing, really <==> It's just that you're such an *******
* I don't want to talk <==> Go away, I'm still building up steam.
about it

[thedrifter]

It's all in the bait


Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret.

"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man realing in fish after fish.

"Excuse me," asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought Joe. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, Joe still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right.

Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi."

[thedrifter]

50 Ways to Kill an Ensign


The problem is something 'bout your clothes, she said to me
The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, "I'm Security!"
And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, you'll get to see
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign


He takes a landing party down to find what's going on
A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along
And then before you know it - the `expendables' are gone
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Fifty ways to kill an ensign


Just step on a rock, Jock
Get thorns from some plants, Lance
A Horta can spray, Ray
Just listen to me
Clouds drink up your blood, Bud
Computers can kill, Bill
You could lose all your salt, Walt
Kirk gets away free...


She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves
Not ev'ryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this curse
But then of course, you must recall - they sometimes suffer WORSE
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign


Just tell him, "I'm not stupid and I'm not expendable
I'm not going!" Tell him that he's a Denebian slime devil
And he's overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial
He'll find a new way to kill an ensign
Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign

[thedrifter]

Burnout Prevention and Recovery


BURNOUT PREVENTION AND RECOVERY

1. STOP DENYING. Listen to the wisdom of your body. Begin to freely admit
the stresses and pressures which have manifested physically, mentally, or
emotionally.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Work until the physical pain forces you into
unconsciousness.

2. AVOID ISOLATION. Don't do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies
with friends and loved ones. Closeness not only brings new insights, but
also is anathema to agitation and depression.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Shut your office door and lock it from the inside
so no-one will distract you. They're just trying to hurt your
productivity.

3. CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. If your job, your relationships, a situation,
or a person is dragging you under, try to alter your circumstances, or if
necessary, leave.
MICROSOFT VIEW: If you feel something is dragging you down, supress
these thoughts. This is a weakness. Drink more coffee. ( It's free.)

4. DIMINISH INTENSITY IN YOUR LIFE. Pinpoint those areas or aspects which
summon up the most concentrated intensity and work toward alleviating that
pressure.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Increase intensity. Maximum intensity = maximum
productivity. If you find yourself relaxed and with your mind
wandering, you are probably having a detrimental effect on the
stock price.

5. STOP OVERNURTURING. If you routinely take on other people's problems and
responsibilities, learn to gracefully disengage. Try to get some nurturing
for yourself.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Always attempt to do everything. You ARE
responsible for it all. Perhaps you haven't thoroughly read your job
description.

6. LEARN TO SAY "NO." You'll help diminish intensity by speaking up for
yourself. This means refusing additional requests or demands on your time
or emotions.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Never say no to anything. It shows weakness,
and lowers the stock price. Never put off until tomorrow what you can
do at midnight.

7. BEGIN TO BACK OFF AND DETACH. Learn to delegate, not only at work, but
also at home and with friends. In this case, detachment means rescuing
yourself for yourself.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Delegating is a sign of weakness. Let someone
else do it (See # 5).

8. REASSESS YOUR VALUES. Try to sort out the meaningful values from the
temporary and fleeting, the essential from the nonessential. You'll
conserve energy and time, and begin to feel more centered.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Stop thinking about your own problems. This is
selfish. If your values change, we will make an announcement at the
company meeting. Until then, if someone calls you and questions your
priorities, tell them that you are unable to comment on this
and give them the number for Microsoft Marketing. It will be
taken care of.

9. LEARN TO PACE YOURSELF. Try to take life in moderation. You only have
so much energy available. Ascertain what is wanted and needed in your life,
then begin to balance work with love, pleasure, and relaxation.
MICROSOFT VIEW: A balanced life is a myth perpetuated by the Borland
Marketing Team. Don't be a fool: the only thing that matters
is work and productivity.

10. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY. Don't skip meals, abuse yourself with rigid
diets, disregard your need for sleep, or break the doctor appointments.
Take care of yourself nutritionally.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Your body serves your mind, your mind serves the
company. Push the mind and the body will follow. Drink Mountain Dew.
(it's free.)

11. DIMINISH WORRY AND ANXIETY. Try to keep superstitious worrying to a
minimum--it changes nothing. You'll have a better grip on your situation
if you spend less time worrying and more time taking care of your real
needs.
MICROSOFT VIEW: If you're not worrying about work, you must not be
very committed to it. We'll find someone who is.

12. KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Begin to bring joy and happy moments into
your life. Very few people suffer burnout when they're having fun.
MICROSOFT VIEW: So, you think your work is funny? We'll discuss this
with your manager on Friday. At 7:00 pm.

[thedrifter]

Opens on Impact


THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM
You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute.

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosophy: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.

Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it wonUt take you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.

Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.

Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

[thedrifter]

Dear Mr. Computer Club


"The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps personal information about its customers-such as their political affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal abuse.

The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through its databases and select its customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.

Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard." The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked."

[thedrifter]

Top 5 List of Things NOT To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5) Thirsty?

4) Where did the extra set of arms come from?

3) Why does it look so much like a lizard?

2) So what ARE the characteristics of hermaphroditism?

1) Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted.

Of course, the REAL #1 thing not to say is:

[thedrifter]

Dictionary of performance review terms


Dictionary of Evaluation Comments


Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.


AVERAGE:
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.
HAPPY:
Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL:
Delagates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

[Phantom Blooper]

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't got out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back in the dating world. She said she would but she doesn't know anyone. Her daughter replies, "Mom I have someone for you to meet." Well it's an immediate hit. And after dating for six weeks he asks her to go on a weekend trip with him to the mountains. The first night there she undresses as he does, he is nude,she is naked except for wearing a pair of black lacy panties. Looking at her he asks,"Why the black lacy panties?"She replies, "My breasts you can fondle,my body is yours to explore,but down there I'm still in mourning." Now he knows he's not getting lucky tonight. The following night the same scenario occured. She in her black lacy panties and he in his birthday suit ....except that he has a black condom on over his erection. She looks at him and asks," What's with the..uh..black condom?'He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

[Phantom Blooper]

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry." said the first one."Let's fly down and get some lunch." They flew down and found a newly plowed piece of ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more."I'm so full,I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Let's just lay back here and bask in the sun," said the second. So they plopped down basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen asleep,when a big fat tomcat came strolling along,and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal he thought........................................... .................................................. .................................................. ................."I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS.":banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Dear Tide, I am just writing you to tell you what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my mom told me it was the best. In fact about a month ago,while at my mother-in law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. She started berating me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my blouse, as well. I tryed to get the stain out,using her bargain detergent,but it just wouldn't come out. On the way home I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all the stains came out!They came out so well, in fact that all the DNA test results were negative! I thank you, once again for a great product. Well,gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people. Thank you, .....A Satisfied Customer

[Phantom Blooper]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods."What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.Turning to look he saw a seven foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but he saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.At that instant the atheist cried out,"Oh my God!...." Time stopped.The bear froze.The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all these years,teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light and said, It would be hypocritical of me after all these years to ask that. But,perhaps you can make the bear a Christian." "Very well," said the voice. The light went out and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear lowered his paw,bowed his head and spoke," Lord, bless this food for which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

[oletom]

A thought from a Marine L/Cpl . . .

A thought has crossed my mind that I don't fully understand.

All those Middle Eastern homicide bombers believe that in dying as a martyr they will go to heaven and be welcomed by 70 virgins. Now according to the Marines Hymn, as you all know, the streets in heaven are guarded by United States Marines. Therefore I doubt there are 70 virgins left in all of heaven, much less for each Islamic martyr.

Sweat dries, blood clots, bones heal. Suck it up. Be a MARINE.

[thedrifter]

Is there a Santa Claus?


As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.



REBUTTAL:

Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then it's only a small step to the rest.

For example;

1) As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.

2) You've relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie neighbourhoods, have probably less than the average (and don't forget the DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while the families with 748 starving children that they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that 15% of homes down a few percent.

3) You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids, and other homes have nothing except terrorists in diapers? Let's drop that number of homes down a few more percent.

4) Santa would have to Fedex a number of packages ahead of time, since he would not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into tower-controlled areas near airports. He's get shot at over certain sections of the Middle East, and the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he'd probably use DHL there. Subtract some more homes.

5) I just barely passed Physics and only read Stephen Hawking's book once, but I recall that there is some Einsteinian Theory that says time does strange things as you move faster. In fact, when you go faster than the speed of light time runs backward, if you do a straight line projection, connect the dots and just ignore any singularity you might find right at the speed of light. And don't say you can't go faster than the speed of light because I've seen it done on TV. Jean-Luc doesn't have reindeer but he does have matter-antimatter warp engines and a holodeck and that's good enough for me.

So Santa could go faster than light, visit all the good children which are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those stale cookies and warm milk yech.

6) Aha, you say, Jean-Luc has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only has reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast!

You calculated the answer! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc, that would be required of the loaded sleigh. The reindeer don't evaporate or incinerate because of this energy, they accelerate. What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females? Think of antlers as furry solar array panels.

7. If that's not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o'clock. NORAD (which may be one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in it's name and therefore it must be more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa every year and I've seen the radar shots of him approaching my house from the direction of the North Pole. They haven't bomarck'd him yet, so they must believe too, right?

[thedrifter]

Guide to kissing techniques

Dear Doctor Rude,

I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you explain to me the difference between the following kisses?


Aristotelian kiss
Hegelian kiss
Wittgensteinian kiss
Godelian kiss

Signed,
Flummoxed in Florida






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Flummoxed,

That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed to the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief but clear summary of some of these important types of kisses:

Aristotelian kiss -- a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.

Hegelian kiss -- a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

Wittgensteinian kiss -- the important thing about this type of kiss is that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with the experience of the kiss-- which must necessarilly also be differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.

Godelian kiss -- a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.

Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list--here are just a few other classic kisses:

Socratic kiss -- actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover more ground.

Kantian kiss -- a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever given or received.

Kafkaesque kiss -- a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform you but ends up just bugging you.

Sartrean kiss -- a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it really doesn't matter anyway.

Russell-Whiteheadian kiss -- a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.

Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss -- Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.

Pythagorean kiss -- a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others would find out about them and start using them.

Cartesian kiss -- A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)

Heisenbergian kiss -- a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy them.

Nietzscheian kiss -- "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger."

Epimenidian kiss -- a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.

Grouchoic kiss -- a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not kiss him or her.

Harpoic kiss -- shut up and kiss me.

Zenoian kiss -- your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.

Procrustean kiss -- well, suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the lips.

Doctor Rude

[thedrifter]

Software Metrics

The Pizza Metric


How: Count the number of pizza boxes in the lab.
What: Measures the amount of schedule under-estimation.
If people are spending enough after-hours time
working on the project that they need to have
meals delivered to the office, then there has
obviously been a mis-estimation somewhere.




The Aspirin Metric


How: Maintain a centrally-located aspirin bottle for use
by the team. At the beginning and end of each month,
count the number of aspirin remaining aspirin in the
bottle.
What: Measures stress suffered by the team during the project.
This most likely indicates poor project design in the
early phases, which causes over-expenditure of effort
later on. In the early phases, high aspirin-usage
probably indicates that the product's goals or other
parameters were poorly defined.




The Beer Metric


How: Invite the team to a beer bash each Friday. Record the
total bar bill.
What: Closely related to the Aspirin Metric, the Beer Metric
measures the frustration level of the team. Among
other things, this may indicate that the technical
challenge is more difficult than anticipated.




The Creeping Feature Metric


How: Count the number of features added to the project after
the design has been signed off, but that were not requested
by any requirements definition.
What: This measures schedule slack. If the team has time to add
features that are not necessary, then there was too much
time allocated to a schedule task.




The "Duck!" Metric


How: This one is tricky, but a likely metric would be to
count the number of engineers that leave the room when
a marketing person enters. This is only valid after a
requirements document has been finalized.
What: Measures the completeness of the initial requirements.
If too many requirements changes are made after the product
has been designed, then the engineering team will be wary
of marketing, for fear of receiving yet another change to
a design which met all initial specifications.




The Status Report Metric


How: Count the total number of words dedicated to the project
in each engineer's status report.
What: This is a simple way to estimate the smoothness with which
the project is running. If things are going well, an item
will likely read, "I talked to Fred; the widgets are on
schedule." If things are not going as well, it will say,
"I finally got in touch with Fred after talking to his
phone mail for nine days straight. It appears that the
widgets will be delayed due to snow in the Ozarks, which
will cause the whoozits schedule to be put on hold until
widgets arrive. If the whoozits schedule slips by
three weeks, then the entire project is in danger of
missing the July deadline."

[thedrifter]

How to buy a boat


At his sailing club (the Queen Mary in London) there was a large trailer park and a smaller yard where the management put trailers and boats if the owner didn't pay their membership for 12 months. The Queen Mary club is very big and at the time there were three or four Lasers in this yard that judging from their condition hadn't been sailed for at least a year.

My friend took down the numbers of these boats and asked the club secretary for the owners address so that he could make them an offer. The first chap he rang said he wasn't interested in selling as he was going to sail it himself "one of these days."

He then rang the second owner who lived about 100 miles away. A woman answered the phone and confirmed that they did still own the Laser. My friend explained that he had seen it in the defaulters yard and that as it clearly hadn't been sailed for a year - did she think her husband would be interested in selling?

"Oh no" she said, "there must be some mistake - come rain or shine my husband spends one weekend a month in London sailing..."

I bet he had some explaining to do when he got home!

[thedrifter]

Santa & System Administrators

I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and system administrators. Consider:


Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
Santa seldom answers your mail.
When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
Santa laughs entirely too much.
Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

[thedrifter]

Conspiracy by Electric Company

DARK CONSPIRACY INVOLVING ELECTRICAL POWER COMPANIES SURFACES

Rewritten by the Quantum Mechanic
(Author Unknown)


For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for which they charge a substantial rate. The recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax which has been perpitrated upon the public by the power companies.

The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted light; in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which is then transported back to the power generation stations via wire networks. A more descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name for the device is DARKSUCKER.

This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark particle (the anti-photon) is the fastest known particle in the universe. Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK... scientists have now proven that light does not really exist!

The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are right now. There is much less dark right next to the darksuckers than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example.

It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a celestial scale; witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark space. Naturally, the Sun is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from the Sun.

Occassionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the Sun. Scientists have long studied these 'sunspots' and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to such an extent that some dark actually leaks back into space. This leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles as they stream out into space at high velocity via the black 'holes' in the surface of the Sun.

As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime caused by the fact that they are not 100% efficient at transmitting collected dark back to the power company via the wires from your home, causing dark to build up slowly within the device. Once they are full of accumulated dark, they can no longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity of untransmitted dark... you have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck any dark at all.

A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. It is of no use to plug a candle into an electrical outlet; it can only collect dark.. it has no transmission capabilities. Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because of the intense heat produced.

There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs in these devices collect dark which is passed to a dark storage unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.

[thedrifter]

Memory trouble

Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbor: Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?

Ed: Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute...

What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?

Neighbor: You mean a rose?

Ed: Yeah, that's it...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?

[thedrifter]

Jack goes to montana


Jack, a New York stock broker, decides to chuck it all and buy a ranch. He finds a big place in Montana, far away from everything, and moves in.

After a few weeks of blissful solitude, Jack is sitting on his front porch, and he sees a pickup truck driving up his road.

A cowboy sort gets out of the truck and introduces himself, "Hey there, my name's Tom, and I came to welcome you to our neck of the world. I live about 20 miles from here, so I guess I'm your nearest neighbor."

Jack shakes the proffered hand and says, "Thanks for the welcome, I sure have enjoyed my stay so far."

Tom leans against the railing and says, "You know, I'm having a party at my place tomorrow night, if you'd like to come, we could sorta turn it into a welcome party for you.."

Jack smiles, "I'd like that."

Tom looks thoughtful, "I ought to warn you though, 'round these parts we do some serious ****ing and sucking at our parties."

Jack grins wide, "Even better! What should I wear?"

Tom shrugs, "Well, it'll pretty much be you and me, so I guess you can wear whatever you want..."

[thedrifter]

148 Thesis Donts


Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..."
Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
"Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.
"Musical accompaniment provided by..."
Stage your own death/suicide.
Lead the specators in a Wave.
Have a sing-a-long.
"You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
"Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."
Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.
Puppet show.
Group prayer.
Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.
Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"
Imitate Groucho Marx.
Mime.
Hold a Tupperware party.
Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
"Everybody rhumba!!"
"And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
Charge a cover and check for ID.
"In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities..."
"Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
Door prizes and a raffle.
"Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
"And now, a word from our sponsor..."
Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
Whine piteously, beg, cry...
Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.
The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")
Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
Fashion show.
"Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."
"I'd like to thank the Academy..."
Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).
Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.
Pass the collection basket.
Two-drink minimum.
Black tie only.
"Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."
Incite a revolt.
Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
Release a flock of doves.
Defense by proxy.
"And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
"There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
"Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"
Bring your pet boa.
Tell ghost stories.
Do a "show and tell."
Food fight.
Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.
Halftime show.
"Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"
"OK - which one of you farted?"
Rimshot.
Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands.
Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
3-ring defense.
"Tag - you're it!"
Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.
Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (Made-up non-existent room number)"
Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.
Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.
Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.
Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.
Make committee members wear silly hats.
Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators.
Do a soft-shoe routine.
Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
"The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."
Tap dance.
Vaudeville.
"I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."
Flex and show off those massive pecs.
Dress in top hat and tails.
Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.
Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.
Shadow puppets.
Show slides of your last vacation.
Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.
"OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
Call your advisor "sweetie."
Have everyone pose for a group photo.
Instant replay.
Laugh maniacally.
Talk with your mouth full.
Start speaking in tongues.
Explode.
Implode.
Spontaneously combust.
Answer every question with a question.
Moon everyone in the room after you are done.
"Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein..."
Hand out 3-D glasses.
"I'm rubber, you're glue..."
Go into labor (especially for men).
Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent.
"I don't know - I didn't write this."
Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.
Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan.
Lock the department head and his secretary out of the defense room. And the coffee lounge, the department office, the copy room, and the mail room. Heck, lock them out of the building. And refuse to sell them stamps.
Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip," and a "best boy."
Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional.
Invite the homeless.
"I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you"
Hide.
Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other wise-ass remarks?"
Same as #116, except use real bullets.
"Well, I saw it on the internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."
Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else.
Use the words "marginalized," "empowerment", and "patriarchy."
Play Thesis Mad Libs.
Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.
Do your entire defense operatically.
Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you. ("We always knew he was such an intelligent child")
Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.
Mosh pit.
Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")
Bring Howard Cosell out of retirement to do color commentary.
"I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"
Claim political asylum.
Traffic reports every 10 minutes on the 1's.
Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team." Near the end of your talk, cut to Jim with sports and Alison with the weather.
Live radio and TV coverage.
Hang a sign that says, "Thank you for not asking questions"
Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style.
Use a TelePromTer
"Take my wife - please!"
Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.
Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a spoon, you have to kiss your thesis. Or your advisor.
Offer a toast.
Firewalk.
Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early.
Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well.
Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.
"By the power of Greyskull..."
Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catchphrase. Not.
Stand on the table.
"You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I COULD have done.

[Phantom Blooper]

Actual comments made on final report cards by NYC teachers. The teachers were reprimanded,but these are great! 1. Since my last report,your child has hit rock bottom and started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3.Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4.Your son sets low personal standards and then consistenly fails to achieve them. 5. The student has a "full six pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 6. This child has been working with glue too much. 7. When your daughter's I.Q. reaches 50,she should sell. 8. The gates are down,the lights are flashing,but the train isn't moving. 9. If this student were anymore stupid,he'd have to be watered twice a week. 10. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat 1,000,000 others. 11. The wheel is turning but the hamster is gone.
:banana:

[Osotogary]

It's time to say,"Timber!"
Hope that you folks like this one.
Gary

[thedrifter]

The private life of Tolkien

Many people have noticed that Tolkien's novel "The Lord of the Rings" bears an uncanny resemblance to the game of Dungeons and Dragons, in that it contains elves, dwarves, orcs and so forth. Clearly Tolkien was much influenced by D&D, and a recently unearthed recording, probably made by MI5, shows him playing Dungeons and Dragons on the floor of his rooms in Merton College, Oxford, one evening, with C.S. Lewis, Charles Williams, and various other luminaries.

Here is part of the transcript of the recording, which all will agree is of great historical interest.

C.S. Lewis: Well, Tom, it's really good of you to come along and act as Dungeon Master for the evening. Haven't enjoyed myself so much since I played in G.K. Chesterton's dungeon and slew Father Brown.

T.S. Eliot (for it is he): Thanks. Anyway, is Father Aslan going to go and explore the Waste Land further yet, or will he have another drink?

Lewis: That depends on the rest of the party. Radagast?

Tolkien: Yes, I want to go and see Madame Sosostris the clairvoyante and see what she has to say.

(Murmurs of assent from Dorothy L. Sayers, Charles Williams, Bertrand Russell (visiting), etc. etc.)

Eliot: O.K. Radagast I want you to roll a D20 at this stage to see what happens as you walk across the Waste Land.

[LOUD BANGING ON THE DOOR.]

Tolkien: Who is it?

Voice outside: Iss only me, Professor Tolkien. Juss poor Smeagol. He's brought his essay for the nice Mr Professor.

[Tolkien goes over to open the door, doing his best to block the view of the dice, counters and miniature monsters on the floor. Meanwhile the rest of the party hurriedly leap into chairs and pretend to be having a deep discussion.]

Lewis: Yes but we all remember what St Paul says about the Numinous in his Epistle to the Confusions...

Tolkien: Well, Smeagol, where this essay? Can't you see I'm busy discussing the Numinous?

Smeagol: Don't be hard on poor Smeagol, he couldn't find his precious elvish dictionary. That nasty Baggins had borrowed it. Oooh, what's that on the floor?

Tolkien: Er, nothing. My son must have left his toys there.

Smeagol: Can Smeagol be an orc?

Bertrand Russell: Certainly not. We don't want any orcs. I've come over specially to play White Head the dwarf.

Lewis: You mean, 'to argue the non-existence of God,' don't you?

Russell: Er, yes. Sorry.

Tolkien: Off you go boy and hand your essay in on time in future. [Door slams]. Now, my character Radagast threw a 12. What happens to him?

[thedrifter]

Only two drinks tonight

An Irish walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guiness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. Whne he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughes. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I'm just off the liquor."

[thedrifter]

October horoscope

THIS MONTH'S VIRTUAL HOROSCOPE



ARIES (March 21-April 20)
This month the bull-headed ram charges straight into trouble. Be extra careful with motion on the third. Tell the police it wasn't your fault. A moonchild on the jury will acquit.


TAURUS (April 21-May 21)
Venus in your house of money spells a new career for you, Taurean. Looks like you'll be working those mean streets for a while--but the money will be mmm-mmm, good! Try to find a nice Leo pimp to keep an eye out while you bring home the bacon. On the other hand, if you're a man, you're going to prison. Tough break.


GEMINI (May 22-June 21)
All Geminis are two-faced scum, especially my ex-boyfriend. DIE DIE DIE, you lousy bastard! A Capricorn native will dance on your grave.


CANCER (June 22-July 23)
This month, sensitive Cancer is more sensitive than usual. Mercury transiting your natal Scorpio turns you into a rotten, unpleasant *****. Others will notice and comment. Your first instinct will be to act out that Mars in Taurus urge to strike back. Sit down and shut up instead. Nobody wants to hear it. Pay particular attention to advice given by a Leo on the twentieth. Re-think that parole violation you're contemplating.


LEO (July 24-Aug 23)
Your leonine charms serve you particularly well this month, especially on the 31st, when you have a good chance to use the persuasive influence of the Moon transiting your natal Scorpio to find the willing sacrifice of your dreams. Careful, though! A law-abiding Libra wants to spoil your fun! You're the king of the jungle, though, Leo--so just kill the interfering bastard and get on with the show!


VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23)
It's official. There aren't any left.


LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23)
Aren't you the birthday boy or girl? And aren't you making a pain of yourself by reminding everyone that you're turning another year older? The wise old Moon in your house of communication says shut up and let people remember on your own. The Leos, of course, will forget, since they're busy thinking about themselves. But--trust me-- it's best to steer clear of Leo this month. Besides, if people forget-- so what? You could use some humility--you're the biggest pain in the ass in the zodiac, Libra. Lighten up.


SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22)
Watch out for the impending Second Coming. Your underhanded schemes are about to fall apart. A Capricorn native plays a big part. Things heat up near the end of October, when Neptune transits your natal Saturn, sealing your eternal doom. Sell all your possessions in the second week of October. You won't be needing them again.


SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 21)
Uh-oh. Somebody found out where that last arrow landed. Expect a visit from Oliver Stone. And beware of the Great Green Dragon. A last-minute reprieve comes from a Piscean, possibly the one you drowned last month.


CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 20)
Truly the jewel of the zodiac, the goat, as always, is in fine form this month. A number of unpleasant folks from the past mysteriously disappear from the spotlight, leaving you free to get on with your bright future. Neptune finally moves out of your twelfth house of the subconscious, enabling you to emerge from the schizophrenic haze you've been living in for so long. Stop taking your medication. It's just a plot by Pisceans to control you. The voices were right all along.


AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19)
As the new moon sets in, expect new opportunities to come with it. Your water breaks on October tenth.


PISCES (Feb 20-March 20)
Maybe you shouldn't leave the house this month. There are some real weirdos loose in the zodiac during the next 30 days. Better to hide in the cellar until November. Oh, wait. I just took a glance at November. I'll get back to you. Stay low.

[thedrifter]

Cajun humor

Jean Paul and Beaudry, two Louisiana natives, were the best of friends. They had grown up together in the backwoods and did everything together; huntin', fishin, drinkin', just everything. One day they arrived home from a night of coon huntin' and Beaudry found his wife not at home. He waited and then called around looking for her, but never could locate her. He called on his friend Jean Paul and called his wife's church friends and the sheriff, but no one knew where she was. After three days Beaudry became despondant and depressed. that afternoon Jean Paul came by and found his compadre sitting on the porch, his eyes red and strained from worry.

"Beaudry my frien'," Jean Paul placed a firm hand on his buddy's shoulder. " I have good news and bad news ."

"Oh no. Tell me Jean Paul. I know it must be about my wife."

"I'm afraid so. I was out with the sheriff and his deputy this morning and we found her car. She had gone through the guard rail and sunk into cottonmouth bayou."

"OH MY LORD!" Beaudry wailed "I just knew it would be like this! My poor Yvonne! How will I make it without her! " He cradled his head in his arms and began to sob. Jean Paul did his best to comfort him, as they sat there on the porch."Jean Paul, you mentioned some good news. Please.. tell it to me. I need to hear something comforting in the midst of all my sorrow."

"Well," Jean Paul said,"when we pulled her up out of the water we found 16 crawdad and 4 blue crab latched onto her, so we gonna float her out again tonight !"

[thedrifter]

What if Earth First! handicapped the NFL?


The Tree-Hugger's Guide to the NFL

Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that should be banned. But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it when you're not out spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as a pollution- mongering crime against the Earth. But when you're watching 22 steroid- chomping overmuscled monsters (i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless in a series of imperialist land grabs, how do you know who to cheer for?

We have the answer: Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know Is Right.

Our General Principles:


Any animal is better than any human.
Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.
Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated minorities are better than any other human.
Humans guilty of crimes against other humans are better than humans guilty of crimes against animals are better than humans guilty of crimes against the Earth.
Team names that aren't PC need to be fixed.
Some Special Cases:


Dolphins are the ultimate.
People who believe in their country are the absolute worst - lower than whale doodoo.
And so, the Rankings:


1. Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins
2. Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles
Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons
Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers
Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears
6. Los Angeles Sort Of Endangered Rams
7. Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered
8. Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans
9. Detroit Lions
Indianapolis Colts
11. Washington Native Americans
12. Kansas City Native American Leaders
13. Cleveland Players Of Color
14. New York Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced
15. New Orleans Sanctimonious Morals-Imposers
16. Phoenix Religious Hierarchy (don't let the bird fool you)
17. Los Angeles Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
Tampa Bay Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
19. Green Bay Packers of Dead Abused Animal Flesh
20. New York Air- and Noise-Polluting Bird-Scaring Jets
21. Minnesota Fur- and Horn- Wearing Pillagers
22. Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers
23. Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters
24. San Diego Electricity Consumers
25. Houston Oil-Spilling Well-Drilling Natural Resource Wasters
26. Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Steelers
27. San Francisco Gold Profiteers
28. New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs

[thedrifter]

How to Address a Politically Correct Business Letter

Let us look at the standard opening phrase of a standard business letter:


Dear Sir,



Well, this is clearly sexist as it precludes the possibility that a woman is reading the letter. We can try to fix this, however, by writing:


Dear Sir/Madam,



This was suggested in a recent posting in a few of the gender-issue related news groups. However, someone pointed out that by putting the masculine title before the feminine one, unacceptable dominance was demonstrated, making this non-PC. So, I tried to fix it:


Dear Madam/Sir,



Well, this is no good since we're showing dominance in the other direction. Of course, since Men are Oppressors and Womyn are Oppressees, that may not be so bad. But it's not really PC, is it? Ok, let's try again:


Dear Sir
Madam,



Well, that solves the problem of who goes first. Of course, the Sir is on top now, which is completely unacceptable. Missionary style het-sexist imagery abounds. Very bad news, probably worse than the original. Ok, what about:


Dear Madam
Sir,



Well, I was once told that men laying on their back during sex was sexist as they were making women do all the work. Besides, you still have one on top of the other showing dominance. We may not sure who's doing what, but somebody is being oppressed here. Next:


Dear MadSiram,



Put the Sir inside the Madam, ok, neither is going first and neither is above the other one. Ok? NO! This is terrible! The Sir has inserted himself inside the Madam! Practically splitting her in two with himself! How pornographic!! A man writing a letter addressed like this to a woman is obviously making an (unwanted) sexual advance. If he were at Antioch college, he'd be suspended for a year and have to go through rehabilitation. Catherine MacKinnon would have a fit!


Dear SMadamir,



Now we put the Madam inside the Sir. Oh, now the Sir has enveloped the Madam! Horrors, she has lost her identity, her sense of self! This is imprisonment! Ugh, how could I have even thought of this one?? I'm so ashamed!

Well, there's only one answer left:


To Whom it May Concern



There. Simple, no reference to sex or sexuality, no problems. Not very friendly, but then again unwanted intimacy is a sin. And getting rid of friendliness is a small price to pay to make sure that absolutely no-one is ever, ever offended.

[thedrifter]

A little pocket of oppression.


Last Sunday, I was waaaaaaiting for my son (7 years old) to get ready for church. Since I had him trapped, I decided it was time to discuss some of the 'Facts of Life' with him:

Son, you have gotten old enough that you can be trusted with one of the Important Secrets of Manhood. You must never tell this secret to any women or girls.

'OK'

You have probably noticed that most things are run by men. The boss is usually a man. Men usually get paid more than women. HOWEVER, there isn't all that much difference between men and women.

'But what about...'

OH that. That isn't all that important. Are you any smarter than the girls your age?

'Nope'

And I am not any smarter than the women my age. And you know your mother could probably whip me in a fair fight. So, why do you suppose that men are usually in charge?

'<SHRUG>'

It is because we don't play fair. We cheat. We men have lots of little tricks that we use to make sure that women don't win. And I am about to tell you one of the Most Important!

'<EXPECTANT STARE>'

Pockets!

'What!?'

It is true! Long ago, we men managed to convince the women that they would rather wear clothing that looked pretty, than wear clothing that worked right. And then we convinced the women that pockets were ugly. So, now, most women's clothes don't have pockets.

'Naaah'

Well, check for yourself. How many pockets do you have?

<1,2,3,4,5> '5'

How many pockets in your sisters dress?

<...> '0'

How many pockets in my suit?

<1,2,3, .. 13,14> '14!'

How many pockets in your mothers dress?

'0'

If you don't have any pockets, then you can't carry important things. Important things like money, or keys, or tools. Men get to be in charge because they can get things done, while the women are still asking to borrow somebody's keys.

<Kid tries to escape, but I block the door.>

Son, I want you to remember that if you wear clothes that don't work right, then people will think you are Useless. They might even call you one of those nasty names that mean Useless like: Fashionable! or Chic!

<Wife sweeps in.>

'What is taking you two so long? Are you ready?'

'<Shrug>'

My that dress looks nice. May I zip it up for you?

[thedrifter]

CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS


Thank God for CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS. These sentences
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due
to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile
at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack's sermons.

13. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

14. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

16. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

17. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

18. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

19. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.

22. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.

23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.

24. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

25. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

27. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.

28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use back door.

29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

31. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

32. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High"

[thedrifter]

SERGEANTS

Two old boys from the Mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted
from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk
and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me
stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants
now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a
bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in
the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me
the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big
okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible
case of gonorrhea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the
privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

[thedrifter]

A Wife's Needs

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly Increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
And slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete flyover. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice.
No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he enquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

[thedrifter]

Lone Ranger & Tonto



> > > >The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
> > >
> > > >After they got their tent set up, they fell asleep.
> > >
> > > >Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend
> > >
> > > >and says, "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
> > >
> > > >Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
> > >
> > > >"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.
> > >
> > > >Tonto ponders for a minute, then says," Astronomically speaking,
> > >
> > > >it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
> billions
> > >
> > > >of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time
> > >
> > > >wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
> > >
> > > >Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are
> > >
> > > >small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
> > >
> > > >beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
> > >
> > > >The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says,
> > >
> > > >"Tonto, you dumb ****, someone has stolen our tent."
> >

[jryanjack]

TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR ZIPPER IS UNZIPPED:
By David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.

6. Elvis has left the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped.....

1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of”Hillary"

[lurchenstein]

The Lighter Side of SARS (a nurse's story...and she swears this really happened on her ward).

A man suspected of SARs is lying in the hospital bed with a mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir,I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to talk through his mask an repeats, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, had a real good look, pulled his pajamas back up, replaced the bedclothes and announced,
"Nothing wrong with your testicles!!! At this point, the man pulled off his mask and screams out, "I SAID, ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK ??!!"

[lurchenstein]

OLDER & WISER

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe pits, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."
"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

[thedrifter]

Magician


A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week,

so he did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's

parrot saw the shows each week and began to figure out how the magician did

every trick.



Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look,

it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table! Hey,

why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but

couldn't do anything about it -- as it was, after all, the captain's
parrot.



Then, during a fierce storm, the ship sank. The magician found himself on a

piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the

parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.



This went on for a day, and then another and another. Finally on the fourth

day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said: "OK, I give up.

Where's the ship?"

[thedrifter]

WHAT IN A NAME

There was an old gal wandering around the supermarket calling out,
"Crisco,
Cri-i-i-i sssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approached. "Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I am
calling my husband."

"Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old woman answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call him that when we're
out
in public."

"Well, what do you call him when you are at home?"


"Lard a**."

[thedrifter]

TEXANS AND THE YANKEE

You've got to know about Skoal to appreciate this one. For you non-Texans, the container for this 'snuff' is very large, flat and round, and the cowboy carries it in his back jean pocket.

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable! And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallup, then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cow-boy? "Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

[thedrifter]

HORMONE HOSTAGE

This is pretty funny. Though you would get a good laugh!!!!!!

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all
a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: May I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULT RASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: May I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Why do you always have to nag?
SAFER: Tell me again what it is that you need.
SAFEST: You're right, dear. I was so inconsiderate.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

Money talks, but Chocolate sings.

[thedrifter]

DRUG PROBLEM


I had a drug problem when I was young.
I was drug to church on Sunday morning
I was drug to church for wedding and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions no matter the weather.
I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every weekday.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in every thing I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of "drug" problem, America would certainly be a better place.

[thedrifter]

ARTHRITIS
> >
> > A drunk man smelling strongly of beer sat down on a subway seat next to
a
> > priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
> lipstick,
> > and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
> He
> > opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man
turned
> > to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
> >
> > "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,"
> > replied the priest, "too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man,
> > sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
> >
> > "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
> >
> > The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized
> > "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you
had
> > arthritis?"
> >
> > "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[thedrifter]

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "70." The robot then said, "So, how are things with the Democrats these days?"

[thedrifter]

Jesus in the bar


Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one: "What's troubling you, brother?" he said.

"My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can't see."

Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20 vision.

The next gentleman couldn't hear Jesus' questions, so The Lord just touched his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.

The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even before Jesus could greet him.

"Don't you come near me, man! Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on disability!"

[thedrifter]

Perverse Guide to Jobhunting

Chapter 1 - The Resume
Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of her parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the appliance store, fighting for the choicest refigerator carton to live in.

To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter's orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says "Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget your picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10 glossies from Glamor Shots on top.

Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph," it's time to polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a salable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the best "spin" on a job seeker's skills:

"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."

A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short? Describe yourself as a "Grill Coordinator," or perhaps a "Culinary Technician."

"I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."

Ah! So you were previously employed in "Communication Services!" Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."

"I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos and watching Charlie's Angels reruns."

You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist." Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular Drama Studies."

"I worked in telemarketing."

Die you scumbag.

"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out in a puddle of my own urine."

I see! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws himself into his work!

Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as possible:


Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
Goal-oriented
Forward-thinking
Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
Striving (everyone likes a striver!)
It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.


Chapter 2 - The Interview
So now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Once again, you've got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and consider adding a little thumb twist manuever or a good high- five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here's some suggestions for opening lines:


"The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
"I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie, that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze."
"Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
"Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
"The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays."
"I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their starship."
"I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
"I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109, it will be your last!"
Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin powers, activate!"

Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new dollar in the closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr. Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)" And certainly don't forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.

[thedrifter]

Ride 'em, cowboy!


Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

[thedrifter]

Guess he's a little anxious...


Three guys drive to a ski range and arrive late at night. They finally find a place to stay, but when they get to their room, they find that it only has one large bed, and this is the last room in the place. They decide, 'what the heck, it's only one night' and share the bed.

The next morning they all wake up. The guy on the left side of the bed says, "I had the strangest dream. I thought some guy was jerking me off." The guy on the other side of bed is shocked. "I had the same dream, too!"

The guy who slept in the middle says, "Well, I didn't have that dream. I thought I was skiing!"

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a couple that had been married for twenty years. Every time they made love the husband insisted on the lights being turned off. Well after 20 years the wife figured this was ridiculous and she was going to break him of this crazy habit. So one night when they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down..... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device....,wonderful and larger than the real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent,fake!" she screamed at him,"how could you be lying to me all these years?You better explain yourself!!" The husband looks her straight in the eye and says, "I'll explain the toy.....if you explain the kids!!":banana:

[lurchenstein]

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus and
took a seat. She noticed the man opposite her was
smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again. The man seemed more amused. Finally on her
fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver who radioed the police and the man was arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
(about age 20) what he had to say for himself. The man replied,"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her pregnant
condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double
Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved
and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling" and I had to smile. Then she
placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big
Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could
have prevented this Accident...I just lost it.":bunny:

[Roberto T. Cast]

Hey Drifter

Did he go sking with his hands?

[thedrifter]

Permission to initial, sir?

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed, BUT a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: "You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

I did.

[thedrifter]

If only the IRS were run like Microsoft


"Government should be run like a business." We've all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody's favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).


The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft's example and actually ship them the following May.
Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users' group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.
In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country's intellectual property.
When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.
When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year's form.
Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported.
The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft's, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number.
After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.
The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.
Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for- profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.
The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.

[thedrifter]

Anything for You


I had a major argument with my girlfriend, Helen. I was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument.

So after storming away, and cooling off, I had a think. I was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.

So to make it up to Helen, I said I'd buy her a gift.

"Any thing at all, my love," I said, overcome with remorse.

"Oh, I don't know," replied Helen,"You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."

The following day I booked her in for chemotherapy.

[thedrifter]

It's dark in here...

The couple are merrily banging away, going ten to the dozen then she hears the sound of a car door slam shut.

"Oh ****" cries out the woman, "It's my husband coming home early." The man mutters "Holy ****" under his breath, panicking about his prediciment. "Quickly" the woman replies as she gathers up his clothes. "Take these and hide in the closet until the coast is clear." He picks up the offered garments and steals away to the large closet. He closes the door and crouches down.

After a while he gets the sneaking feeling that he's not entirly alone. "Dark in here, isn't it." The young boys voice confirms it. The womans son must have been hiding here during the whole sordid act. "Holy ****" the man mutters again. "Listen sonny. If I give you ten pounds will you keep all this to yourself and not tell anyone. The young lad thinks for a minute before saying "Tell you what, make it a fiver and you've got a deal. (Evidentally the lads state education wasn't totally wasted...).

The man hunts around for his wallet and pulls out some money, using the light beaming through the keyhole to deduce it's demonination. The boy quickly takes the money and tells the man that his secret is safe. He breaths a sigh of relief and eventually manages to escape.

The next day at breakfast the young lad pulls out the fiver from his pocket and starts to work out what he can buy with it.

"What's that?" his father demands. "A five pound note? Where did you get it from? Did you steal it?"

"No. I earned it" the boy wails.

"A likely story. You stole it didn't you?"

The father rises from his chair and removes the money from the boys' hands. "Go to confession this instant and pray for your forgivness, you thief."

The boy relucantly trudges off to the local Church, walks in and walks up to the confessional. Once at the door he pushes it open and finding it vacant, he walks in, closes the door and sits down.

"Oh, dark in here isn't it" the boy whispers.

A voice from the other side calls out : "Holy ****, not you again"

[thedrifter]

Even best friends won't tell you


There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor. "Yes. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had <blush> four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

[thedrifter]

Nursery Tale


Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?"

"I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children."

"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the Gates she went.

To the next, he asked the same question, "So, what did you used to do?"

"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about God's love."

"How touching," said St. Peter. "You, too, may enter." And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth?"

After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."

St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Ok, you may enter, too."

"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."

"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days!"

[thedrifter]

Cat owners will agree...

Top 10 reasons why kittens are better than babies:

10. Veterinarians have evening hours.

9. Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its crying. Hell, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even't have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.

8. Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.

7. Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month.

6. You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to finance your kitten's college (or high school) education.

5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't want to breast feed your kitten.

4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.

3. Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.

2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.

And the Number 1 reason:

1. You only have to change a litter box once a day.

[Barrio_rat]

A new patch for the "dog faces" in the army to wear while on patrol in Iraq...

[Roberto T. Cast]

Yea Barrio Rat. That is " A Hunting We Will Go".

Semper Fi

[thedrifter]

Actual pick-up attempt


His shoelaces are hardly ever untied
Doesn't pick his nose in public
Has never put a red shirt in with the whites
Was not directly responsible for the Holocaust
When getting off an elevator at a 20+ story building, he doesn't push all the buttons so everyone has to stop at every floor
Elvis is dead and Bob Saget is married; who's left?
Reads National Geographic, and not just for the nude pictures of African gorillas
His cat seems to like him
Hasn't wet his bed for at least two weeks now
Has his own 'Captain Kirk' coffee mug
Always keeps his printer paper well-stocked
Doesn't turn into a werewolf during full moons
He hardly ever slurps when drinking soup
Knows the capital of Eritrea
Always manages to resist the urge to poke sharp objects into his ear on the first date
Is very proficient at whistling the French national anthem
Is only mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle he began in 1981
He is not an alien from another dimension bent on World destruction
Played no part in the Cuban Missile Crisis
Has never been Captain of, nor been aboard, the Exxon Valdez
Very rarely has homicidal tendencies
Makes excellent use of his spare time
DOES NOT OVERUSE THE CAPSLOCK KEY
He subscribes to the theory that the world is round
He does not make fun of Boutros-Boutros Ghali's name unnecessarily
Is mixing up 'dessert' and 'desert' less and less every day
He found Waldo
Has never passed out on any world leader's front lawn
Has never been fired by George Steinbrenner
Cried at the end of John Steinbeck's 'Of Mice and Men'
Has never found rude shapes in clouds
Tries not to giggle when he cuts one
Has never blatantly misused a blender
Rarely blacks out for more than a few seconds
Makes a real effort not to spit when he talks
Owns the Led Zeppelin box set and makes copies for his friends
Doesn't scrape his vegetables onto his grandmother's plate when no one is looking
Wears male undergarments
Has never been struck by lightning while simultaneously being hit by a falling meteorite
Is an accomplished tv-watcher
Has never been involved in the shipment of plutonium to Germany
Has never opened fire on an innocent group of unarmed people
Did not mastermind Julius Caeser's death; that was Cassius
Owns issues 1-34 of Starman comics in near mint condition
Has Patrick Roy's autograph
Had no trouble committing his phone number to memory
Regularly gets the high score on "Super Mario Bros."
Rarely stares directly at the sun
Has never dumped in his pants while sliding into 2nd base
Has never broken into a bear's home and eaten all his porridge
Has never given the bird to a lady over age 60
So far, has never resorted to cannibalism
Has never exploited the tradition of mistletoe to kiss his aunt
Never stares at someone's wart for more than 2-3 minutes
Has never caused a traffic accident because he was fixing his make-up
Has no communicable diseases
No tyrannical system of government is named after him
Has no plans to ever give the Pope a wedgie
Was completely uninvolved in the trade that sent Doug Gilmour away for Gary Leeman
Never rings doorbells and then runs away before they answer
Hard as it may be to believe, he has never lost a pole vault competition
Never forgets his bug spray when going out into the woods
Has never pulled the football away from Charlie Brown
Very rarely ties cans to a cat's tail
Hardly ever referred to as 'infernal'
Has never suffered from lockjaw
Recognizes Xenon as a noble gas
Excellent at compiling purposeless lists
Would give up his appendix for the right woman
Great with kids; even better with roast beef
Holds the record for the highest spot on the cafeteria wall he got his cheese to stick to in grade six.
Has never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club
The part he played in the bombing of Hiroshima is largely exagerated
Has never gambled away a girlfriend in Las Vegas, as well as many other places in the world
Has managed so far not to decapitate himself
Gets fewer and fewer 'ice-cream headaches'
Wouldn't smoke nor drink while pregnant
Has always managed to avoid being a victim of a 'piledriver'
Has never locked himself in a car
Has never played a mean trick on Smokey the Bear
Does not use cruel mouse traps
Has never let Frank Sinatra down
Contrary to popular belief, does not comb his hair with a fork
Has never attempted to dance naked in a Jerry Lewis Telethon
Very rarely has delusions of God
Never placed a bet with Pete Rose
It's been over a year since he last got his neck tangled in a telephone cord
Can sing "Frere Jacques" much better than Jean-Luc Picard
Rarely eats paste between meals
Is not the ominous voice in Mortal Kombat which says 'FINISH HIM!' just before a fatality
Usually remembers to take the shell off of an egg before eating it
Tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week
Was nowhere near the grassy knoll November 3rd 1963
Often resists the powerful temptation to shave rude swear words in his hair
And when he just can't resist, it's usually shaved somewhere where you can't see it
Has managed to overcome a long-lasting desire to clean toasters in a bath-tub
At Speedy, he's a somebody
At a touch of a button, can have a pizza delivered to him personally in under 30 minutes
Unlike Vincent Van Gogh, would not chop off his ear for a girl
Enjoys better table manners than John Belushi
Is (marginally) more popular with feminists than Rush Limbaugh
If it came right down to it, he could beat the pants off of Steven Hawking in a fair fight
Would never forget to clean the microwave after having placed a small rodent inside
The rumours of his involvement in the Chernobyl crisis are mostly unfounded
No longer bears a grudge against Santa Claus for failing to deliver an automatic rifle in Christmas of '80
It is increasingly rare that he makes obscene phone calls to Bea Arthur
Come on, he's not that much of an eyesore!
Is not fooled when given poisoned candy on Halloween from his mother
Refuses to play 'let's hide grandma's teeth'
Can be easily entertained for hours with simple, one-piece toys
The sources which publicized his involvement in the Iran-Contra scandal were unreliable
As of yet, has never overlooked the importance of regular, continuous breathing
There is a refreshing absense of monsters under his bed these days
Has never smuggled tinker toys onto an international flight
Nevers pees in someone else's sink
His picking a fight with an inanimate object is quite uncommon
Is heterosexual, unmarried and has a pulse
Give me 118 reasons why she shouldn't

[thedrifter]

Santa's checkride


Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

[thedrifter]

3 guys applying to the CIA...


Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test.

So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says,"no way." So the director says, "You fail."

The next guy comes in. The diresctor tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it. The director says, "you fail."

So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus(glass breaking, funiture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."

[thedrifter]

You've Read Oedipus The King...


Lesser Known Sequels of the Classics
------------------------------------


Metamorphosis II
Gregor Samsa goes through another mystical transformation, this time from a giant cockroach into a lounge singer. The few people who still felt any compassion for him are now totally repulsed, and he moves away to Vegas.


Taming of the Shrew II: Who's the Shrew?
The antics begin when Petruchio and Katherine's daughter Bianca (named after her aunt) comes of age and turns out to be quite a shrew herself. Katherine at first tries to convince her daughter that good manners are the right way, then turns back to shrewishness herself to show her daughter how unattractive it can be. This all builds to the hilarious climactic scene, where Petruchio beats them both into submission with an ax handle.


Huck Finn II
Huck has grown up and propspered as a certified public accountant. He decides he likes civilzation after all, though he never does take to wearing shoes, thus his nickname, the "barefoot bookkeeper." Jim leaves the Indians and gets his law degree, and eventually defends the King and Duke who are up on a racketeering charge.


Lysistrata II
Once again, Lysistrata convinces the women of Athens to boycott sex, this time to convince the men not to lay around and watch wrestling on Sundays. Cinesias tries to convince Myrrhine to lie with him while watching wrestling, but she teases him and then refuses. Some of the men try goats, but decide they don't like them. Eventually the men give in.


The Farther Adventures of Robinson Crusoe
Robinson Crusoe uses the money he inherited from the Brazilian plantation to start up a small cruise company. One day while taking out five passengers on a three hour tour to the Isle of Wight, a storm breaks out. He and his first mate Friday (a mighty sailing man) do their best, but lose control of the boat. Eventually, it crashes on a deserted island. The rest of the book describes the antics that occur when they almost get rescued several times, but Friday screws it up each time.


Undeath of a Salesman
Willy Loman comes back from the dead as a vampire. His hypnotic control over his customers reestablishes his life as a salesman. He convinces Biff (no relation to B1FF) to go into professional football, where he becomes a big star but loses respect for his father when he does an advertizement for nylons.


The Divine Tragedy
In this controversial sequel, Dante travels through New York City, Billings (Montana), and Salt Lake City. The controversy is over the origin. Joseph Smith claimed that Dante dictated this book to him in dreams, which literary critics have shown a lot of skepticism about.


The Bible II
Of the Dead Sea Scrolls, these were the only ones that were deliberately lost. They recount the tale of how Jesus descended back out of Heaven and became a lounge singer. Even his staunchest followers deserted him for this, and when Peter finally left he moved to Vegas and got a regular gig at the Tropicana changing water into wine.

[thedrifter]

Reply to Wile E. Coyote v. ACME Company suit


UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT OF ARIZONA



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WILE E. COYOTE, :
Plaintiff :
:
v. : CIVIL ACTION NO. B19294
:
ACME COMPANY, :
Defendant :

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




OPENING STATEMENT OF ARTHUR B. FUDDLE, ESQUIRE,
COUNSEL FOR DEFENDANT


By Mr. Fuddle:

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury: the opening statement you have just heard from Mr. Schoff on behalf of the plaintiff, Wile E. Coyote, paints an incomplete picture of what occurred on the occasions when Mr. Coyote claims he was injured by ACME products.

The evidence will clearly show that my client, ACME Products Corp., a Division of Dangerously Innovative Products and Patents Incorporated (or "DIPPI") is not at fault in this matter, and that any injuries sustained by the plaintiff were clearly caused by his own negligence, assumption of the risk and/or misuse of the products.

Now, we have all seen the footage on television of the plaintiff withstanding various injuries which appear to be caused by ACME's products. You have seen over and over the tape of a hapless coyote being bludgeoned by a boulder as he is helplessly trapped by his ACME Spring Loaded Shoes. We have all seen the photographs taken at Warner Memorial Hospital of Mr. Coyote in a very small incubator, on life support, as his doctors attempt to straighten out the accordion-like folds from his body. We have all seen the gruesome images of the operation in which Dr. Tazmanian D. Devil whirls like a dervish, obscuring his features and creating a starry, "dust cloud" effect, while numerous limbs holding various surgical instruments swiftly repair the nerve damage to Mr. Coyote's extremities.

It is normal for any human being to feel pity, horror, and even anger at such images. I want you to put those images aside for the moment, because they paint an incomplete picture. What the media has not disclosed to you, and what you will see in this courtroom, are various attempts at murder committed by the plaintiff - attempts which, fortunately, failed - while using my client's products. As the plaintiff readily admits, he is a predator, and his sole function in life is to track down and kill an innocent, highway traversing ornithoid.

You see, ladies and gentleman, while the plaintiff is a natural predator, he is not a very good one. His own skills were inadequate to complete the task at hand, so he chose to seek the aid of various devices to effectuate his diabolical schemes. He looked in a catalogue, saw my client's products, and ordered them in the hope that they would assist him in killing his prey.

But ladies and gentleman, ACME's products are not meant to cause intentional harm to anyone. The plaintiff has taken what were designed as amusements, toys for the young and feebleminded, and has twisted their use to his own purposes.

But I digress. Let us examine the plaintiff's claims and how the evidence clearly refutes the proposition that ACME is responsible for any harm sustained by the plaintiff.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13 he received an ACME Rocked Sled, that he attempted to use said rocket sled to pursue his prey, and that, upon igniting the sled, it accelerated with "sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet."

There are several reasons why ACME cannot be held responsible for any injuries caused by this incident. First, the warning label attached conspicuously to the inside of the left front tire of the sled clearly stated, and I quote: "WARNING: IGNITION OF THIS DEVICE AT FULL THROTTLE MAY CAUSE SUDDEN AND PRECIPITATE FORCE AS TO STRETCH USER'S FORELIMBS TO A LENGTH OF UP TO SIXTY FEET, OR MAY CAUSE DEATH." That the plaintiff suffered so little as a result of his carelessness can be attributed only to Providence.

Second, Arizona law is clear on this point: a plaintiff who is found to be violating any law whose purpose is safety at the time of his injury is contributorily negligent *per se*. There is ample evidence that Mr. Coyote was violating both the laws of gravity and inertia at the time of this incident, and thus he is responsible for his own woes.

I could list many more examples of Mr. Coyote's negligent conduct in connection with his use of ACME's products, but you will hear all about them as the trial goes on. You will also hear the following evidence:


You will hear the plaintiff himself testify that, prior to the injuries complained of in this accident, he has suffered numerous injuries. As an example, on one occasion prior to the use of any ACME product, the plaintiff cornered his prey on the edge of a rather thin precipice. Taking an ordinary saw, the plaintiff began cutting away so that the edge of the cliff, with his prey on it, would drop some 1500 feet to a jagged, rocky destruction. Instead, by some inexplicable twist of fate the edge of the cliff remained standing while the whole mountain, on which the plaintiff was standing, plummeted to the bottom of the ravine, causing numerous injuries which affect the plaintiff to this day.
On another occasion, Mr. Coyote was chasing his prey and followed it off of the edge of a cliff onto thin air, not realizing until too late that his prey, a bird, could remain in the air almost indefinitely while he, a canine, could not. As a result, he fell yet again, suffering even further severe and debilitating injuries which predate the injuries complained of in this action.
You will also hear the testimony of Mr. Road Runner, the plaintiff's prey and the true victim in this tragedy. Mr. Runner has been forced to live a nomadic lifestyle as a result of Mr. Coyote's unwanted attention, preventing him from forming any type of long term relationships. Numerous restraining orders had no effect. Mr. Runner has also suffered numerous psychological problems as a result of Mr. Coyote's actions, including but not limited to an inability to trust anyone who provides him with bird seed, a necessary ingredient in his daily nutritional schedule.
You will also hear from a witness to many of the incidents alleged in plaintiff's complaint, a colorful local prospector with red hair and moustache who has been known to proclaim: "No rootin' tootin' coyote can outsmart Yosemite Sam on any day of the week!" Don't be fooled by his gruff manner and twin pearl-handled six-shooters, he's a pussycat.
Customer service records of defendant ACME, which we were forced to produce in this matter, clearly show that none of the complaints registered by ACME's customers nation-wide have ever resulted in criminal convictions of the officers of the corporation.
Finally, videotape evidence will demonstrate that plaintiff faked many of his injuries, setting out to create performances especially for a jury such as yourself. On numerous occasions he would "mug" for the camera, as if he was well aware beforehand that he was being taped. For instance, during the "Rocked Sled" incident, as his forelimbs were stretched out ahead of him and his body remained behind, he looked straight into the camera with a forlorn, tired expression, as if to say: "look at how terrible my situation is, can you guess what's going to happen to me now." This jury is too smart to fall for such petty theatrics.
In summary, ladies and gentlemen, it will be clear to you from the evidence that ACME's products, if used properly, will cause only minimal injuries to a user and his loved ones. The plaintiff in this case has brought his troubles upon himself by adopting his carnivorous lifestyle. As others have so adequately uttered: "Live by the Super Slick Jet Propulsion Automated Explosive Metal-Shearing Heat-Seeking Laser-Guided Razor-Edged Boomerang, die by the Super Slick, etc."

I ask you, on behalf of my client, to dismiss the plaintiff's claims against it.

[thedrifter]

"Do not operate heavy machinery while wearing..."


OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:


Pull garment on over head, placing arms through appropriate openings.
Finish with label at back of collar with design facing out. _Fashion note - tail can be worn out for casual or tucked in for formal_
Wear shirt to pre-determined occasion. _Important note - remove all tags or labels, such as this one, before wearing in public_
After shirt is sufficiently soiled, place in washing machine (note - for best results remove shirt)
Leave the shirt just the way you removed it - inside out. Wash warm water/cool rinse.
_Note - Xtreme shirts are NOT underwear - don't let your mother throw it in hot water, and keep her away from the bleach_
Dry on low heat, air or line dry.
Return garment to right-side out and repeat step 1.

[thedrifter]

Bar scene


A guy walks into a bar. He sees an attractive person of the opposite gender and walks up to her. He said, "Hey, can I buy you a drink?" The gal stands up walks to the middle of the room and shouts, "WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A PROSTITUTE?" She storms out of the bar, and the guy, face completely red, orders a beer and sat in a dark corner. A few minutes later, the girl returns and came up to the guy. She says, "I'm sorry about that. I'm psychology major and I was just testing to see your reaction to what I just said." Then the guy stands up and walks to the middle of the bar and shouts, "FIFTY DOLLARS?" :-)

[thedrifter]

The Colonel won't be proud...


The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

[thedrifter]

Humor in Lawsuits

*** Names have been changed to protect all parties. ***


Q I hate to be nosy, but how old are you?
A Forty-three. That's okay. You're nosy
enough. You might as well put that in.

* * * * * * * *

Q Did she appear to be in any pain? In
other words, just looking at her, did she look like
she was hurting?
A She's so ugly it looks like she hurts
all the time.

* * * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: I object to that as being a
question impossible to answer; outside this
person's expertise; and I don't know what it
means.

* * * * * * * *

DEF ATT: I object to that as being an
improper question and this man cannot answer
the question.
PLTF ATT: Go sit on it.

* * * * * * * *

Q What happened in that accident?
A I was going around the corner and it was
wet and rainy outside, and I kind of slid down an
embankment and went into some bushes.
Q Were the police called out to that?
A A state trooper came out. And he gave me
a careless driving ticket because he told me he had
to give me a ticket. I didn't fight it, because it
was my word against the bushes, I guess you could
say.

* * * * * * * *

THE WITNESS: The relevant question here
is--
ATTORNEY 1: Well, why don't you let
her ask a question?
ATTORNEY 2: Let her ask--
THE WITNESS: I thought you did. Okay.
ATTORNEY 3: I thought I did, too.
ATTORNEY 1: Well, I don't know what it is.
ATTORNEY 3: The witness does, and I do.
THE WITNESS: What's your question?

* * * * * * * *

Q Dr. Smith, how are you--
A Just fine.
Q Pardon?
A Just fine. I'm ready to go.
Q Okay. Great. How are you employed?

* * * * * * * *

A You've got to figure I'm a pretty
conservative lady. This is the first concert I had
ever been to.
Q Of any kind?
A Well, I take that back. I went to Jerry
Lee Lewis when I was 16 years old.
Q There was no shooting at that concert,
was there?
A No. A whole lot of shaking going on, but
no shooting.

* * * * * * * *

Q What was your attorney's name?
A It was John Smith, right here in Tampa.
LAWYER 1: Right out the window.
THE WITNESS: Right. So what I'm
getting--
LAWYER 2: Let the record be clear that
Mr. Smith is not hanging out the window.
THE WITNESS: I don't know. Knowing
John, he could be.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is that the only license you hold?
A I have a marriage license.
Q You're not a realtor or a plumber or
anything else like that?
A No. They don't require a license to have
children, which they should.

* * * * * * * *

A Well, I have never heard of anything like
that, but I suppose any help at the time would have
been a help.

* * * * * * * *

Q And the serratus anterior nerve that--
or the nerves that go to it, where do they come
from?
A The neck, the cervical region.
Q From the cervical region?
A Yes.
Q And did you do any examination of his
cervical--of his cervix--to determine if there
was any problem with his nerves going through his
neck?
A He doesn't have a cervix, but, yes, I
examined the biceps.

* * * * * * * *

Q How long have you been married to her?
A Nineteen years.
Q Is that your only marriage?
A Yes, it is, that I know of.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you recall discussing with John
Smith that if you were in a deposition or
anything like that and you don't want to give the
right answer, all you have to say is, "I don't know.
I don't recall"?
A No. I don't remember.

* * * * * * * *

Q No one went with you from Foobar to assist
you. Correct?
A It seems to me--not from Foobar. Like I
said, it was a long time ago. I mean, my memory is as
short as my peter.

* * * * * * * *

A Obsessive-compulsive symptoms: Sometimes
checks his own activities. Suicidal and homicidal
ideations: Sometimes he has suicidal ideations
regarding his car or truck every couple of days,
particularly following contact with his attorney.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you recall if you had any alcohol or
anything to drink prior to the concert?
A Yes, I did.
Q What did you have, if you remember?
A I think I had a Fuzzy Navel.
Q You ought to have a doctor look at that.
Just kidding.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you consider him to be competent in
that area?
A I don't know. I don't have any basis to
remark about the competency of his engineering. I
do know he's dead.

* * * * * * * *

A There are very few production places in
North Dakota.
ATTORNEY: Generally speaking, there
are very few places in North Dakota.

* * * * * * * *

Q And where does sandblasting fit in your
scale of being a prestigious job? Do you think
that's a prestigious job?
A Yes, sir.
Q Okay. More so than working in a
factory, I guess.
A Yes, sir.
Q Everybody's entitled to their opinion, I
guess. I don't know. Maybe you're right.
MR. JONES: Ranks above lawyers.
MR. SMITH: Yeah, I bet.
MR. JONES: Because everybody does
that.
MR. SMITH: Yeah.

* * * * * * * *

MR. SMITH: If I could just have a
one-minute break sometime, whenever you feel
you're--
MR. JONES: This is a good time.
(Recess from 2:41 p.m. to 3:03 p.m.)

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you have any reason to believe that
the decision to have Mr. Jones, Mr. Brown and
yourself work on Foobar products to the exclusion
of the EMS products listed in group 3 and 4 of
Exhibit--of the December 5 chart was made or--
MR. SMITH: Can you read that back, and
maybe I can try and figure out what I wanted to
ask.

* * * * * * * *

Q Oh, okay. So you had a conversation with
Mr. Smith about the SeaTower at some point--
A Yes.
Q --prior to his death?

* * * * * * * *

Q And what is it about that particular night that you
recall that you didn't eat at the Holiday Inn?
A What is it that I remember that I didn't eat?

* * * * * * * *

Q What was Linda drinking, if anything?
A She was drinking one of them--one of them lady drinks.
I don't know what it was.
Q She had about the same as you?
A No. Huh-uh. She doesn't drink much. She'll just have
one drink, and she'll suck on it all night long.

* * * * * * * *

Q Next time you saw him?
A August 12, 1991. Checked tonsils--no,
I'm sorry, checked testicle. Must be mother asking.
But I didn't find anything wrong with testicle. On
the contrary, I noticed there was an ear problem.

* * * * * * * *

Q And Detroit Murphy--what is that? Is that a school
or--
A It's Mercy, not Murphy.
Q Oh, Mercy?
A I'm sorry. Yeah, Mercy.
Q Oh, I'm sorry. Mercy.
A Yeah, Detroit Mercy is a college, and they do it like
through the Jesuit priests program. They do things with young
boys.

* * * * * * * *

MR. SMITH: Let me ask you, sir,
to identify what I am going to have marked as
Defendant's Exhibit No. 1.
MR. JONES: Okay.
(Exhibit No. 1 marked for identification.)
A He has nice big ones.
MR. JONES: I have got the same ones,
and I had them blown.

* * * * * * * *

Q Could you please, in your own words,
describe where you're touching on your body?
A Right here.
Q All right. Now, where is "right here"?
A Right here.
Q Is that your leg?
A No, sir. My leg is here. That's my
stomach. I got two stomachs right here. But he was--
Q All right. You have two stomachs.

* * * * * * * *

Q Why do you handle the family finances?
A Because my mom and sister ain't that
bright.

* * * * * * * *

[thedrifter]

Q Did you notice any differences in the plaintiff
during the fishing trip after the accident and the
times you had been with him before?
A Yes.
Q Can you tell the jury about that?
A After a long period of time holding his
rod, you could see he had to sit down for a period
of time.

* * * * * * * *

Q How far apart are the rungs on the
ladder?
A They're usually about 12 inches to a
foot.

* * * * * * * *

Q What did you do for Johnson & Sons Formal
Wear?
A I was a presser.
Q Who was your boss there?
A I forget his name. He's the owner.
MR. SMITH: Johnson.
A Yeah. It's a father-and-son operation.

* * * * * * * *

Q You don't have any intention of
dismissing Jane Smith anytime soon, do you?
A No. Sometimes I wish I could eat her,
and other times you want to hug her up and kiss her
nose.

* * * * * * * *

A Mr. Jones and I had had a
disagreement, the exact nature of which I don't
remember, but it was over some aspect of my work
that he wanted me to perform in a manner different
than, I guess, I was performing it. And Mr.
Jones's--excuse my language coming up--Mr.
Jones said, "If you **** with me, I'll kill
you."
Q When he said, "If you **** with me, I'll
kill you," how did you interpret that?

* * * * * * * *

Q Has anybody else ever threatened to kill
you?
A No. Somebody put a gun to my neck once,
but I don't think he threatened to use it.
Q Was that in an employment contact or not?
A No. It was a social contact.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is there a difference between a
reconditioned and rebuilt piece of equipment in your
mind, if you have one?

* * * * * * * *

Q So the first thing that you heard was the
one that you overheard with Mr. Jones stating that
he didn't want any women in his department. And
then second time when you were in this exact
conversation would have been after the first time?

* * * * * * * *

Q Have you tried any type of rehabilitation
or work retraining?
A No. No, sir.
Q Why not?
A Because I ain't too bright.

* * * * * * * *

Q And, Doctor, are you a member of the
profession? Correct?
A What profession?
Q The medical profession.
A Oh, yes, sir.
Q And what profession are you a member of?
A The medical profession.

* * * * * * * *

Q I would like you to turn to the next
page, dated June 9, 1993.
A Yes.
Q Do you recall this incident occurring?
A Yes. The night before that I had eaten
at Beachcomber's Restaurant. And I had crab. And I
had vomited in the--
Q I assure you on this question a simple
"Yes" or "No" will do.

* * * * * * * *

Q Anything else you like to do a lot?
A Look out the window.
Q Have you got a good view?
A No.
Q You just like to look out there?
A Yeah.
Q What can you see from your window?
A The apartments in front of us.
Q I guess there's usually a lot of activity out there.
A Not no more.
Q How come?
A The drug dealer moved away.

* * * * * * * *

Q Okay. Did it become a shouting match at
any time?
A Uh-huh.
Q It did?
A A big one.
Q And what was the net result?
A I left, was the result. I left. I
basically told him that I didn't care how big his
dick was.
Q How did that comment come up?
A It just came out.
Q Okay. Why did you make that comment?
Does he talk about, you know, his penis a lot?
A Yeah, he always talks about his penis.
He thinks it's the greatest thing that ever walked
on earth.

* * * * * * * *

Q And what was the reason given to you for
the fact you were let go?
A The reason given to me was garnishing a
knife and arguing with the supervisor.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is the south boundary of the north half
of the southeast quarter of the northwest quarter
the same line as the north boundary of the south
half of the southeast quarter of the northwest
quarter?

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you currently have normal bowel
movements?
A No.
Q In what way have they changed?
A I have a lot more gas that I--I fart a
lot more; and when I do, they're much stronger than
the normal person.
Isn't that true, Jane?
I know it's not funny, but it's true.

[thedrifter]

And you think Grunts can't count?


During the Vietnam War, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1?"

The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."

[thedrifter]

A farmer sold a mule to another farmer, telling the buyer that if he was nice to the animal, it would work hard for him. When the mule refused to plow, the seller was called in to help.

So, the farmer who sold it to him walks over to the mule and he picks up a two-by-four and he hits the mule right across the snout. And then he whispers in his ear and the mule takes off and he plows up a storm.

And the buyer says, "Well, when you sold him to me, you told me I had to be nice to him all the time," and the first farmer says, "Yeah, but you've got to get his attention first."

[thedrifter]

Gate Guard



One day, four young military warriors turn up outside the pearly gates. St.Peter explained that before these warriors could pass they must answer one simple question.

Up walked the first guy.

St. Peter asked, "What's 2+2?"

The 1st warrior answered: "3"

"NO" said St. Peter.

"5" ?

NO" said St. Peter.

"4"

"Yes, in you go!"

Up comes the second warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

He answered, "The Square root of 16."

Very impressed St. Peter allows him past.

Up comes the third warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

"It's greater than 2."

"Yes"

"But less than 6"

"Yes"

"It's greater than 3"

"Yes"

"But less than 5"

"Yes"

"It's 4"

"Well done; in you go!"

Up comes the fourth warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

"It's 5, Ooo-Rahhhhh!!!" and with no pause he barges past St. Peter and in through the pearly gates.

Observing all this, an angel asked St. Peter, "What was all that about?"

St. Peter answered, "It's perfectly obvious: there must be a war on earth, and those four men were all military officers who have been killed."

"How can you tell they were officers?" inquires the angel.

"The first guy was a Navy engineer, dumb as seaweed and crude as mud, but he kept hammering away until he got through."

"The second guy was an Air Force pilot, who gave me more information than I really required."

"The third guy was in Army artillery, who was uncomfortable with any firm answer, but was bracketing to zero in on the correct answer."

"But what about the fourth guy?" inquired the angel. "He got it wrong, and then tore through the gates anyway."

"Ahh," said St. Peter, "that was the Marine -- dumber than dirt, but you've just gotta love 'em."

[thedrifter]

How to get rid of unwanted phone calls.



Me: Hello?

Him: Hello, sir. I'm from <Major long distance carrier>. How would you like to save money off your long distance calling?

Me: If I told you that I was very happy with my current carrier, would that preclude any further conversation?

Him: Actually, no, sir. I have to hear a certain number of "no's" before I let you go.

Me: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Him: Have a nice day, sir. <Click>

[thedrifter]

Bar Joke


man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and can't see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall man standing on the piano bench playing the tune of Dixie-Girl. The man thought that this was strange so he goes over to the bartender and asks where the man came from.

"Here," says the bartender, handing the man a genie lamp, "rub this."

So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie.

"What do you wish for?" asks the genie.

"A million bucks," the man states, quite sure of himself.

"Granted." And the genie claps his hands and disappeared back into the lamp.

The man looks around, checks his wallet but can't find a million bucks anywhere. Just that moment, a million ducks fly through the bar. Astounded the man says: "Hey! I didn't ask for a million ducks!"

"Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" replied the bartender.

[thedrifter]

FW: Fossil submission


Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078




Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:


The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.




It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,


Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

[thedrifter]

And he faced his mortality.....


I thought I would tell you about the closest I've ever come to strangling my husband.

We had only been engaged for a few weeks. We were walking into a convenience store when out came this blonde bombshell - bikini top, tiny shorts, absolutely gorgeous. As she jiggled past us, he took my hand. My heart swelled with pride and love - "even when he sees someone like that, he still thinks of me."

Then he leaned over and whispered, "You'd let me sleep with her, wouldn't you?"

Big mistake.

[thedrifter]

Business travel


A business man is packing for a trip. He glances in his briefcase, then calls to his wife.

"Honey."

"Yes, darling?" she replies.

"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."

"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"

"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for heaven's sake, give me more than ONE!"

[thedrifter]

Seeing Eye Chihuahua

Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. Bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" Man says, "But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" Bartender says "Well, OK, then I guess it can stay."

After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says, "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be OK." Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a fews seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in.

Bartender says, "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" Man stares straight ahead and exclaims "What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!"

[thedrifter]

Psyschiatric Hotline

RING
RING
CLICK




Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

(from my colleague Tony, who received it from a colleague, who...)

[thedrifter]

Judge Ito's Bar and Grill

APPETIZERS

ROSE LOPEZ NACHOS.............$3.55
Spicy, with a thick Spanish Accent,Nachos
haven't been this good since.. I can't
remember!



SOUPS & SALADS
DEJURY......................$3.95
Aged for one year. May be bitter.


KATO SALAD.....................$3.95
An Empty head of lettuce with very little
dressing



FROM THE BAR
PAULA BARBIERI COCKTAIL...$4.95
Cool, with a little honey on the side. Goes
down real easy.


MARCIA CLARK BEER............$2.85
We thought we had a case, but now we're not
sure.



SANDWICHES
SIMPSON ALIBI SANDWICH.......$3.95
Full of bologna and hard to swallow, but a lot
of people are buying it.



FROM THE GRILL
MARK FURMAN CHICKEN....$4.95
Absolutely NO dark meat!


DENNIS FUNG PLATE............$22.95
Grilled detective served open faced. May be
contaminated.



DESSERTS
Sorry, our bakery is temporarily closed. The
lawyers have taken all the dough.

[thedrifter]

The Prodigal Son's Return


We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said, "Throwing wide his arms, the father said..." at which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered "YOU'RE GROUNDED

[thedrifter]

"Alligator Shoes"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.



After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"



The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."



So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.



Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.



One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

[thedrifter]

Damn near the Truth



In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:



HAIRCUTS:

Marines-heads will be shaved.

Army-flat-tops for all recruits.

Navy-no haircut standard.

Air Force-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

TRAINING HOURS:

Marines-rise at 0500, train until 2000.

Army-rise at 0600, train until 1900.

Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch til 1300, train till 1600.

Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.

MEALS:

Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.

Army-one hot meal, 2 MREs.

Navy-3 hot meals.

Air Force-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.

LEAVE and LIBERTY:

Marines-none.

Army-4 hours a week.

Navy-2 days a week.

Air Force-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

PROTOCOL:

Marines-will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. SGT Smith).

Army-will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge."

Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.

Air Force-all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.

DECORATIONS/AWARDS:

Marines-medals & badges are awarded for acts of gallantry & bravery.

Army-medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.

Navy-will have ships’ engineers make medals for them as needed.

Air Force-will be issued all medals as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.

CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:

Marines-work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.

Army-will wear it anytime, anywhere.

Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship. Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to your sailors.

Air Force-will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and gray service chevrons and name tapes on them. They will also get newly designed and personally tailored uniforms to replace the airline pilot coats they have now.

CAREER FIELDS:

Marines-all Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.

Army-doesn’t matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.

Navy-nobody knows. Navy still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.

Air Force-every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

[yellowwing]

I shared a beer in New Orleans with an active duty Marine sergeant assigned to one of the new SOG units. He had the chance to train with other international units, SAS, Israelis, ROK Marines, Rangers. He said none of them commanded his respect like the US Navy SEALs.

"We were a klick out from the shore in a Zodiac inflatable. Then this SEAL cuts the motor and says, 'Alright, everone out of the boat'. I just laughed", the Marine sergeant told me.

I interjected, "Oh, you think it's a joke!" The sergeant chuckled, "That's exactly what he said!"

"The next thing I know this big mutha' SEAL picks me up ABOVE his head and throws me out of the boat!" Considering there is not much leverage in a small Zodiac, that's alot of power.

"When I break the surface, I see all of my buddies in the water with me. We spent the next hour and a half practicing righting a capsized inflatable."


Training, training, training...

[thedrifter]

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer...

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling"run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......

[thedrifter]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck
came along,too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's
door of the BMW.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it
wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing? " asked the lawyer.

The cop replied ,"My God, man, don't you even realize that your left
arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!! ".

"My God! " screamed the lawyer, "Where's my Rolex?"

[thedrifter]

The College Food Chain


THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God


THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God


PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored


ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God


ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals


INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays russian roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot


GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls


UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

[Phantom Blooper]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year old son to the doctor.With some hesitation,they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good physical health, they were concerned with the size of his rather small penis. After examining the child,the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes.That should solve the problem." The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast,there was a large stack of warm pancakes sitting in the middle of the table. "Gee,Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?""Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father.":banana:

[thedrifter]

Thin Walls


Though the walls of our apartment complex aren't particularly thin, the floors and ceilings act as amplifiers. One night, several months ago, my wife and I were lying in bed. Noticing the repeated constant sound of a bed scooting along the floor and a headboard banging against a wall, we became aware that the occupants of the bedroom directly were doing more than tossing and turning in their sleep. This went on for some time. Later we described the event to our friends.

US: "For the first five minutes, it was funny and kind of embarrassing that we could hear them so well.

"After about ten minutes, it became really annoying.

"After fifteen minutes, it was getting very frustrating because it was keeping us from going to sleep..."

FRIENDS: "And then?"

US: "And then after twenty straight minutes...Okay, after twenty minutes it was pretty damn impressive."

[thedrifter]

World War II Ace?


It seems that a young man volunterred for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"

[thedrifter]

The letter to dad (fwd) a good reply too. (fwd)


The letter to dad:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.


Love,
Your $on.





The Reply:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.


Love,
Dad

[thedrifter]

The info Highway...


"Think of the Internet as a highway."

There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the "Information Superhighway." They don't know didley about the net. It's nothing like a superhighway. That's a rotten metaphor.

Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways were like the net. . .

A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. A minimum of 237 on ramps at every intersection. No signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. Ad hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a single-occupant- vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for talking on a car phone.

AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of ebola victims on board throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars, most of which have been assembled at home from kits. Some are built around 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn nitrogylcerin and idle at 120.

No license plates. World War II bomber nose art instead. Terrifying paintings of huge teeth or vampire eagles. Bumper mounted machine guns. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a white phosphorus grenade up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks cruise around with anti-aircraft missile batteries to shoot down the traffic helicopter. Little kids on tricycles with squirtguns filled with hydrochloric acid switch lanes without warning.

NO OFFRAMPS. None.

Now that's the way to run an Interstate Highway system.

[thedrifter]

Meat?

Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"

"So... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"So what does the meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat?"

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."

[thedrifter]

Apparently-From

Has it occurred to anyone yet that the reason we haven't gotten any replies from Out There may be the same as the reason we don't often bother flaming AOLers?

"Oh, _goody_, Yendor---here's another one. Let's see, it says [*** --> MAKE FRIENDS FAST !!! <-- ***] on the front panel; how _original_. Two nudes on the plaque, scanned in at low res. What do you want to bet they didn't get permission from the copyright holder? Hmm...address in pulsar distances, but they mangled the Reply-To: line; I don't think `Sol III' is a fully qualified domain at all. You would think all these spammers out in Sirius sector would know about the anonymous reposter at Fomalhaut by now, anyway...."

"Well, do we forward it to their sysop?"

"What's the point? Look at the header; it's some dinky yellow G2 dwarf. The sector is lousy with them---if we have Her shut it down, they'll find another star before She even has time to clean out the logfiles and reboot."

"But look at this bandwidth-hogging crap---this audio disk must have a couple of hundred incompatible languages on it. I don't think this one is even the same _species_; it sounds more like a whale to me."

"Well, if they've got whales on-site, maybe they'll ask some questions and eventually get a clue. In the meantime, I can't be bothered; I've got a whole globular cluster to upgrade to 4.0.2 this eon. Besides, in the long run it only encourages them. The sort of pathetic race who starts these chain letters craves any kind of attention at all."

[thedrifter]

Your starship captain might be...


Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...


your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
he says, "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
he says, "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
he paints the starship John Deere green
he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
he sets phaser to "Cajun"

[NamNuts]

[Phantom Blooper]

A man went to church one day,and afterward he stopped to shake the preachers hand.He said, "Preacher I'll tell you that was a damn fine sermon that you preached. Damn good!!" The preacher said,"Thank you sir,but I would appreciate it if you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House. The man said, " I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the collection plate!" The preacher said,"No $hit?":banana:

[thedrifter]

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one
> > day, when they came to a busy intersection. The dog, ignoring the high
> > volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right
> > out
> > into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and
> > horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair
> > down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk
> > on
> > the other side of the street. The blind man pulls a cookie out of his
> > coat
> > pocket, which he offers to the dog.
> > A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
> > amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding
> > your
> > dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns
> > partially
> > in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can
> > kick
> > his ass..... .

[thedrifter]

Doctors can be funny!


A woman I work with is dating a doctor. She is also a grandmother. One morning she was over at the docs house when her daughter-in-law called, sort of frantic. It seems that her grandson had swallowed a penny. The daughter-in-law wanted her to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be seen. When she asked the doc, he calmy replied, "I don't think it's necessary, just watch him closely for any change."

[thedrifter]

I'll have what's behind Door Number 3, please!


So I'm looking for a class in Newman Hall--- actually, I was looking for Newman Hall-- and, I thought i'd found it. no sign-- no main entrance.

So I walk around the building and find what I perceive to be an acutal door with and actual doorknob. So I opened it.

Inside was a room at least 150x50-- maybe half a football field- maybe more- black concrete- 20ft ceiling.

Two guys in white overcoats. A cow. Upside-down with hooves pointing into the air. On some type of cart.

A chainsaw.

They were as embarrased to see me as I was to see them.

Everybody stared at everybody else for about 6 sec. (except the cow, who was not facing me.) And I shut the door.

"Not econ."

I wasn't more than 10ft away from the door when I heard it lock.

I don't know what the hell they were doing, but they seemed to need privacy.

[thedrifter]

The History of the Universe in 200 Words or Less


Quantum fluctuation. Inflation. Expansion. Strong nuclear interaction. Particle-antiparticle annihilation. Deuterium and helium production. Density perturbations. Recombination. Blackbody radiation. Local contraction. Cluster formation. Reionization? Violent relaxation. Virialization. Biased galaxy formation? Turbulent fragmentation. Contraction. Ionization. Compression. Opaque hydrogen. Massive star formation. Deuterium ignition. Hydrogen fusion. Hydrogen depletion. Core contraction. Envelope expansion. Helium fusion. Carbon, oxygen, and silicon fusion. Iron production. Implosion. Supernova explosion. Metals injection. Star formation. Supernova explosions. Star formation. Condensation. Planetesimal accretion. Planetary differentiation. Crust solidification. Volatile gas expulsion. Water condensation. Water dissociation. Ozone production. Ultraviolet absorption. Photosynthetic unicellular organisms. Oxidation. Mutation. Natural selection and evolution. Respiration. Cell differentiation. Sexual reproduction. Fossilization. Land exploration. Dinosaur extinction. Mammal expansion. Homo sapiens manifestation. Animal domestication. Food surplus production. Civilization! Innovation. Exploration. Religion. Warring nations. Empire creation and destruction. Exploration. Colonization. Taxation without representation. Revolution. Constitution. Election. Expansion. Industrialization. Rebellion. Emancipation Proclamation. Invention. Mass production. Urbanization. Immigration. World conflagration. League of Nations. Suffrage extension. Depression. World conflagration. Fission explosions. United Nations. Space exploration. Assassinations. Lunar excursions. Resignation. Computerization. World Trade Organization. Internet expansion. Composition. Extrapolation?

[thedrifter]

Letter of recommendation

Letter of Recommendation -

While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent away as soon as possible.

Sd/-

Branch Manager

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A second note following the report:

XXXXXX WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT MAILED TO YOU TODAY. KINDLY
READ ONLY THE ALTERNATIVE LINES 1,3,5,7,... FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.

REGARDS,

Sd/-

Branch Manager