Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 11 - Marine Corps Community for USMC Marine Veterans

thedrifter

05-27-03, 08:03 AM

Residency in New England

Forms for NH and MA

Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire

NAME:

ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
White ( )

TYPE OF CARS OWNED:
Pickup Truck ( )
You don't own any Foreign cars, do you? NO ( )

CAR EQUIPMENT:
Gun Rack ( ) Stash ( ) CB ( ) Beer Holder ( )
Playboy air freshener ( )

BUMPER STICKERS:
"Ex-wife in trunk" ( )
"If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns" ( )
"Bush/Quayle" ( )
"**** Happens" ( )
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" ( )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual ( )

FAVORITE CAUSE: NRA ( ) Pro-life ( )

Total given to these causes in the last 12 months:

FAVORITE DRUGS:
Grass ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?:
(check all that apply)
Democrats ( ) Welfare ( ) N.O.W. ( )

FAVORITE BEER:
Miller ( ) Michelob ( ) Bud ( )

FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Don't Care ( )

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
NRA ( )

How Automatic Weapons do you own?

5 ( ) 10 ( ) More than that ( )

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Benny Hill ( )

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Application for Permission to Live in Massachusetts

NAME:
(extra space left due to new social awareness)

ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
Eskimo ( ) American Indian ( ) Hispanic ( ) Asian ( )
African-American ( ) American-African ( ) Black-American ( )
Other Group With A Long History Of Oppression By White Males ( )
(specify, so we can help you form a political action group)

TYPE OF CARS OWNED (pick two):
SAAB ( ) Volvo ( ) BMW ( ) Mercedes ( ) Honda ( )

You don't own any American cars, do you? NO ( )

CAR EQUIPMENT:
Blaupunkt ( ) Passport ( ) Escort ( ) Vuarnet Sunglasses ( )
Stash ( ) CD ( ) Cellular Phone ( ) Ski Rack ( )
Bicycle Rack ( ) Wine Rack ( )

BUMPER STICKERS:
"You can't hug a child with nuclear arms" ( ) "Greenpeace" ( )
"Dukakis/Bentsen" ( ) "Save the Whales" ( ) "Farms not Arms" ( )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Gay ( ) Lesbian ( ) Other ( )
(note: failure to give the proper answer to the above means you can't
live in certain towns on the Cape, or get elected to Congress)

FAVORITE CAUSE: Whales ( ) Baby Seals ( ) Snail Darter ( )
Total given to these causes in the last 12 months:

FAVORITE DRUGS:
Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Kitty's Diet Plan ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?:
(check all that apply)
The Bomb ( ) Handguns ( ) All guns ( ) Nuclear Power ( )
Cigarettes ( ) The NRA ( ) Republicans ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE LEGALIZED?:
(check all that apply)
Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Needles ( )
Flag Burning ( )

FAVORITE BEER:
Samuel Adams ( ) Beck's ( ) Corona(w/lime) ( )
Latest trendy brand ( )

FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Ted Kennedy ( ) John Kennedy ( ) Bobby Kennedy ( )
Joe Kennedy ( )

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
ACLU ( ) Greenpeace ( ) SDS ( ) N.O.W. ( ) A.F.S.C.M.E ( )
Billy Bulger Breakfast Club ( ) Provincetown Boys Club ( )
Bull-dykes Kennel Club ( )

Even though we can't ever get any more power from Hydro-Quebec, don't
you think that Seabrook should remain closed forever? YES ( )

Don't you think that the people in the Midwest should stop dropping acid
rain on our vacation homes in Vermont, even if it means that they all lose
their jobs? YES ( )

How many watts (per channel, RMS) is your principal home stereo?
100W ( ) 200W ( ) More than that ( )

How many air conditioners do you have to help you through our long New
England summers?: 2 ( ) 3 ( ) 4 ( ) Central Air ( )
(note: Fewer than two A/C units may qualify you for state
subsidies if you are a non-white unemployed Democrat)

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Thirtysomething ( )

thedrifter

05-27-03, 08:04 AM

Ask, and ye shall receive

The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson, when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea. The man looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, this is my only grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief."

Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet.

The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!"

thedrifter

05-27-03, 08:05 AM

When Johnny comes marching high

The reporter met the troop ship bring back demobilized soldiers after World War II. He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked one soldier, "What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?"

The soldier immediately replied, "**** my wife."

The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and asked, "Oh. Well, what's the second thing?"

"Then I'll take off these Goddam filthy combat boots!"

thedrifter

05-27-03, 08:05 AM

Letterman's 10 New Slogans for Exxon:

David Letterman's 10 New Slogans for Exxon:

10. We've got oil to spare.

9. Exxon: The Eastern Airlines of the sea.

8. Anybody got a tissue?

7. Breathe a word of this to anyone, and we'll kill you.

6. Keeping your children safe from blood-thirsty marauding walruses.

5. Now sardines automatically come with oil.

4. Three Mile Island. Now THAT was an accident.

3. If it wasn't for us, American sea gulls would be covered with foreign oil.

2. Ecosystems, schmecosystems.

1. Hey, you try drinking 3 or 4 six-packs and then steering a huge oil tanker!

thedrifter

05-27-03, 08:06 AM

Making it home

Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact

Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight.

Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home," run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love, woman?" She never even moves.

thedrifter

05-27-03, 08:07 AM

College rejection letter

Pennsylvania State University Admissions Address

Dear Sir,

I have received your acceptance for admission, and I regret to inform you that I will not be attending your university in coming years.

As a senior in high school, I have applied to many other fine institutions to further my education. And, although yours ranks high among them, I'm afraid that you failed to qualify.

Elimination under my system doesn't mean that you are not qualified to educate other fine young men and women. It merely reflects the high caliber of colleges and universities competing for my acceptance.

My best wishes for your future.

Sincerely,

thedrifter

05-27-03, 08:07 AM

High Steaks

A number of years ago, a major meat packer wanted to do a promotional campaign on radio. The idea was to have call-in contests on radio stations throughout the country, and the winners would receive large supplies of sirloin steaks.

The researchers had to come up with a name for the contest. The report they submitted read something like this.

After conducting market research, we have reached the conclusion that the name "High Steaks" would be an appropriate name for the contest. We base this conclusion on interviews and surveys, and we are firmly convinced that the majority of radio listeners will understand the double entendre. The only city where we found a lack of sophistication was Memphis, TN, and there we recommend that you call the contest "Free Meat."

thedrifter

05-27-03, 08:08 AM

Still more East Block Humor (East Germany)

Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of of celebration activities, there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow.

While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small boy aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child replies, "Mother Russia." "And who is your father?" asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, "Why, it's you Uncle Gorbachev!" Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and what do you want to be when you grow up?" The boy proudly replies, "a good communist!"

Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration includes a parade.

Remembering what Gorbachev did in Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?" The child replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic--East Germany]." "And who is your father?" asks Honnecker. "Why, it's you Uncle Honnecker!" replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies, "an orphan."

thedrifter

05-27-03, 08:09 AM

A different Polish joke

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm--he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says:

"Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:

"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"

As I said, this is a joke the Polish tell about Russians...

thedrifter

05-27-03, 08:09 AM

Condoms

One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts of town. When just inside, he sees a sign which says:

"CONDOMS: SOLD & FITTED."

He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive young lady emerges.

"Do you work here?" he asks.

"Yes," she replied.

"And is the statement on the sign over there true?" The lady leans over the counter and says seductively, "Yes."

"Tell me," he asks, "who fits them?"

"I do," said the lady.

"Well," said the engineer, "would you please wash your hands and give me a pound of tomatoes?"

thedrifter

05-27-03, 08:10 AM

Hit the penny...

There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date.

She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice her.

The next day, she passed the man in the hall and began moving her left hip. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the penny... hit the penny..." Just as the analyst predicted, the man noticed her and stopped to chat for a while.

This worked well for a few days, but the man never did ask her out. She talked to her analyst again, and this time he told her to pretend that she also had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down to her right hip. Attached to this string was a nickel. As she walked near the man she was now to use her hips to first hit the penny and then hit the nickel.

The next day at work, she saw the man and began moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the penny... hit the nickel..." Just as predicted, the man stopped her and asked her out on a date.

After a few weeks and numerous dates later, the girl decided that she wanted this man to ask her to marry him. After talking to her analyst, he suggested she pretend she had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down her back to her bottom, and attached to this string was a dime. She was now to use her hips to hit all of these coins.

The next day they had a date, and when she saw the man she began moving her hips again. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime..." That night, just as the analyst predicted, the man asked her to marry him.

She was very happy, and began to make wedding plans. She also began to worry about her honeymoon because she was a virgin and was not well versed in the art of making love. She talked to her analyst again and this time he told her to pretend that one more string was attached to the top of her head and than it hung down in front of her to her private parts. He told her to hit the coins when she was making love to her new husband.

A few weeks later her wedding day arrived. After the ceremony the newly married couple rushed off to their honeymoon. That night she went into the bathroom at the hotel and practiced moving her hips. "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter..."

Soon they were in bed together and as they began making love she started moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... Oh, forget the small change... hit the quarter... hit the quarter... hit the quarter..."

thedrifter

05-27-03, 08:11 AM

Freud on Seuss

The Cat in the Hat
by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95

The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably Green Eggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can't I Shower With Mommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality.

The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss' probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with God!"

After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal triangle.

Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at this trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self.

The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order.

With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid, making The Cat in the Hat impossible to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent.

thedrifter

05-27-03, 08:12 AM

T Shirt Collection

Son of Baglady

-Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once

-The Hunchback of Notre Dame's secret mantra: Oh mommy pat my hump.

-What's good for Ugoose is good for Uganda.

-We have them just where they want us. J. T. Kirk

-I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office.

-Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

-I figure I'm pretty good with the bull**** but I love listening to an expert. Keep talking.

-Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

-The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.

-The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. --Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

-Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.

-Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.

-When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.--Art Denman

-Sex is a disrobic experience

-Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.--J.T. Kirk

-Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.--Albert Einstein

-Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

-Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

-We are the people our parents warned us about.

-Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.

-Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

-How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?

-There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.

-Power means not having to respond.

-Onward, through the fog.

-Never kick a man unless he's down.

-Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.

-We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot.

-The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

-I'm not as dumb as you look.

-I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

-Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

-How can I love you if you won't lie down?

-I'd rather be ****ed off than ****ed on.

-You can find sympathy between **** and syphilis in the dictionary.

-When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

-To err is human. To forgive is unusual.

-Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.

-I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.

-I'm the person your mother warned you about.

-How can I tell you I love you when you're sitting on my face?

-God is dead and I want His job.

-Work is the curse of the drinking class.

-I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.

-Our parents were never our age.

-Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.

-There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.

-Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

-In the country of the blind the one eyed man is lynched.

-He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.

-It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.

-When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.--Mae West

-I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, okay?

-He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

-Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.

-You can't fall off the floor.

-Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.

-Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me.--Mae West

-I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

-I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

-I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

-Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.

-Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

-Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

-I worship the ground that awaits you.

-The future isn't what it used to be.

-I wish you were a beer.

-I want to live forever or die in the attempt.

-Love means telling you why you're sorry.

-Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.

-Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

-I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

-I'm having a party in my pants. Want to come?

-Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

-Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.

-Better dead than mellow.

-If I follow you home will you keep me?

-A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.

-There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.

-Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They merely adjust the compass.

-The difference between meat and fish is that if you beat your fish it dies

-It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.

-You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.

-Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.

-The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

-Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.

-Kite fliers keep it up longer.

-My human experience is just beginning (This one on a little kid's shirt)

-If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.

-An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth.

-You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

-Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

-Nuke the whales

-Join the Army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting, unusual people and kill them.

-We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

-Life is like a **** sandwich. The more bread you have, the less **** you have to eat.

-I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.

-Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

-When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

-It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.

-If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bull****.

-I'm not cynical. Just experienced.

-The torture never stops.

-Ignore alien orders.

-I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.

-I'm not wearing any underwear. Film at 11.

-Bend over. I'll drive.

-I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, No problem.

-Save our beaches. Harpoon a fat chick.

-We dive at five.

-I'd walk over you to see the Who.

-It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.

-I'm for lust.

-I want a meal, not a snack.

-Bull**** Detector. When alarm sounds, please re-engage your brain.

-The word today is Legs ... Spread the word.

thedrifter

05-27-03, 08:12 AM

Oldie but coldie

One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."

"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."

"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."

"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."

So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.

"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"

"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."

Barrio_rat

05-27-03, 12:11 PM

GREAT TRUTHS

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Barrio_rat

05-27-03, 12:16 PM

REDNECK VASECTOMY

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

Barrio_rat

05-27-03, 12:21 PM

RULES OF LIFE

Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally: be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Barrio_rat

05-27-03, 12:35 PM

Service

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service. " The act of doing things for other people.

Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows. SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us...

Barrio_rat

05-27-03, 12:38 PM

There is a new virus: code name is "work".

If you receive "work", from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or anywhere else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances !!

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with this virus, put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.

Order three beers and after repeating 14 times, you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends.

Should you realise that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.

This virus is deadly. Please pay close attention to it and take heed.

Barrio_rat

05-27-03, 12:42 PM

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A moment later, another loud scream reverberates through the bar, so the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming in shear agony.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers away." "I'm just sitting here on the toilet trying to do my thing, and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the stall door to take a look and exclaims, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Art Petersn

05-27-03, 09:07 PM

An old man was sitting on a park bench at the Mall. A young man walked
up to the bench and sat down.

The young man had spiked hair in all different colors: Green, red, orange,
blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked,
the old man was staring.

The young man finally said very sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer,
ever done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk one time in Hong
Kong & had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son".

lurchenstein

05-28-03, 12:29 AM

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken".
:p

thedrifter

05-28-03, 08:50 AM

The doctor and the plumber

A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told it's his day off ...

"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying,

"Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, come and see me tomorrow."

thedrifter

05-28-03, 08:50 AM

A matter of perspective

A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails. The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree where several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault. He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers. He replied, "I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast."

thedrifter

05-28-03, 08:51 AM

"No New Taxes"

In our image processing lab we recently had a chance to digitize and then re-view some of the Presidential campaign speeches. Of particular interest was George Bush's famous "Read my lips, No New Taxes" speech.

We hired a speech specialist and showed the tape to her over and over several times. Not only was the tape played back slowly, but we performed a zoom operation on the (now) President's face. As she read his face for clues, it became painfully obvious to her that George Bush was saying--"Read my lips, No Nude Taxes."

With this subjective information, we called the White House for an explanation. Reluctantly the White House Staff admitted that yes, that was correct--"The President planned to clothe new taxes as user fees."

thedrifter

05-28-03, 08:51 AM

Memorial Day

As told to me by a friend in the British Army:

A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!"

thedrifter

05-28-03, 08:52 AM

Inquiry

This is from a little book called "Buurmans hemd nader bekeken," by Harry de Jong (in Dutch). I thought it deserved a bigger audience. Hans)

"How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer.

"Three times," I said without hesitation.

"That is once more often than your neighbour," the inquirer said, writing.

"That makes sense," I said, "after all, she's my wife."

thedrifter

05-28-03, 08:53 AM

Zen and the Art of Bicycle Riding

A Zen teacher saw five of his students returning from the market, riding their bicycles. When they arrived at the monastery and had dismounted, the teacher asked the students, "Why are you riding your bicycles?"

The first student replied, "The bicycle is carrying the sack of potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!" The teacher praised the first student, "You are a smart boy! When you grow old, you will not walk hunched over like I do."

The second student replied, "I love to watch the trees and fields pass by as I roll down the path!" The teacher commended the second student, "Your eyes are open, and you see the world."

The third student replied, "When I ride my bicycle, I am content to chant nam myoho renge kyo." The teacher gave praise to the third student, "Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel."

The fourth student replied, "Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony with all sentient beings." The teacher was pleased, and said to the fourth student, "You are riding on the golden path of non-harming."

The fifth student replied, "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle." The teacher sat at the feet of the fifth student and said, "I am your student!"

thedrifter

05-28-03, 08:54 AM

Last Margaliot Jokeline

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the duck's former owner, "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A company in the Foreign Legion had spend three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades. "And on the third day..." he began,
"No! no! start with the first day!" everyone yells out in chorus.

"And on the third day, " the private continues, "she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the wall of a church was a sign, "If you are tired of sin, come to see us!"
And right below it in nice rounded letters; "But if you're not, my phone number is 341-3451"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "You have your hand on my steak!"

"What?" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's o.k.," he replied, "It's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil--"The hat check girl puts out!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other--a star of David.
Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs.

"Get this guy," laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal, "Trying to teach us how to do business!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man meets his girl friend of 25 years ago. She was so happy to see him that she couldn't resist and asked him to come up and see her some time.
"With pleasure!" says the man.

So he bought some wine and a bunch of flowers and in the evening he went to see her. When the door opens there she was, stark naked.

"What's this?" the man was shocked.

She smiles and says, "I wore my birthday dress for you."

"That's great," he says somewhat embarrassed, "But couldn't you have pressed it first?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile, "We don't even have an air conditioner"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A good looking chick walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to swim. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the watchman appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.
"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

"Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't," he replied.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young French girl was visiting New York when her cash funds run dry and her visa expired. She met a sailor who agreed to stow her aboard his ship that was about to sail. Every day he would bring her food and drink and in return all she had to do was give him a bit of love. Lacking much choice, the girl agreed.
And so everyday, the sailor brought some food and would get some loving in return. This went on for several weeks until the captain saw the sailor sneaking around with a tray of food and the whole affair was uncovered. The captain felt obliged to apologize to the girl:

"I'm very sorry about all that has happened to you, but you have to admit the sailor is smart. Do you know you're on the Staten Island Ferry?"

thedrifter

05-28-03, 08:54 AM

Safety

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you," he said.

"But George," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

thedrifter

05-28-03, 08:55 AM

An object in motion...

This story involves railroad cars, Denver and a fascinating gadget used in auto wrecking yards called a "chipper." Apparently this device is fed old auto carcasses, and it in turn produces manageable-sized "chips" of metal.

Seems that on this eventful evening, four gondola cars were filled by a chipper and headed out of Denver around dusk. Somewhere along the track, on an uphill grade, something mechanical failed on one of the cars, and the train pulled to a siding to uncouple it. The dutiful crew chocked the wheels with rocks, wood chunks, etc. and then proceeded to unhook the car.

Seems no one had the slightest idea of the mass being packed in that unit, as the rocks/wood held it in place for about 6 seconds. Since the crew had not yet re-switched the tracks (they thought the rest of the train would be returning to the main line) the gondola car soon found itself back on the main trackline, heading back into Denver.

The engineer sprinted to the engine and full-throttled the thing after the car. After 15 minutes, he still didn't even have a visual on it, so he abandoned the engine, flagged down the nearest car, and drove to the nearest station, from which he radioed the situation that this car was cranking toward town and no one knew exactly where it was.

The station crews immediately calculated the correct combination of switches to route this car on the straightest course thru Denver, the rail yard, and out the other side, then remotely downed every crossing gate they could, followed by dispatching crews, cops and civil servants to down the rest of the crossing arms manually and staff the intersections.

Several witnesses testified that the gondola car passed their locations at between 85 and 90 MPH.

Whilst traversing the rail yard, the car was forced to execute a slight left-hand curve in the track on its way out of Denver. The "post mortem" revealed that the curved section of track was "stretched" and displaced 8 feet to the right by the car.

Immediately upon leaving the yard, two of the fastest engines they had were dispatched, full-throttle, in hot pursuit of the errant gondola car. Since dusk had now turned into evening, no one could get a visual on the car, but it did proceed out of Denver until it hit yet another uphill grade, at which time the pendulum effect took over...

The drivers of the engines (serially-coupled) suddenly saw a dark blob approaching them on the track, They quickly (?) slammed the engines into reverse, but could see after about a minute that they were not gaining any ground on this car, so they jumped from the cab.

One of them, looking back at the impact, noted that, although the mass of the two engines was sufficient to stop the car, the front coupling assembly of the lead engine was obliterated, and the front engine was "lifted in place and set back down" by the impact.

thedrifter

05-28-03, 08:56 AM

Aliens among us

This was a one panel cartoon in "Aboriginal Science Fiction."

On the bridge of a flying saucer, flying over the Earth: An alien soldier and his commander.

Soldier to commander: "Well, now that we've captured their king they'll have to surrender!"

Behind them, bound and gagged: Elvis.

Osotogary

05-28-03, 08:23 PM

I modified your story somewhat and turned it into a cartoon.
Gary

thedrifter

05-29-03, 07:54 AM

Eskimo

tourist goes to the pole, and meets an Eskimo.

"During the summer you don't have any nights, and during the winter you don't have any days... What do you do during that endless summer day?" he asks.

"We go fishing, and make love to our women," the Eskimo replies.

The tourist thinks a while, and asks another question:

"Then, what do you do during that endless winter night?"

Eskimo grins:

"We don't go fishing..."

thedrifter

05-29-03, 07:55 AM

Cricket match which is funnier than baseball

I am reminded of how this native went to his first cricket match and described it to his witchdoctor after he got back. I heard it when I was in college and have no idea where it originated.

He said, ``It was a beautiful sunny Sunday. A big crowd of people gathered around this giant grass field with a thin strip of mowed and flattened pitch in the middle. There were three sticks at either end of the strip. A man in a long overcoat came out with two men in sweaters and he tossed a coin in to the air. They went out and out came eleven men in sweaters and white pants. One of them was padded and had big gloves. Then out came two men with pads on their legs and small gloves holding big sticks. They took positions at either end of the strip and one of the other men came running towards the wickets and threw this ball at the person holding the stick. And lo and behold it started to pour.

``White man sure knows how to make rain.''

thedrifter

05-29-03, 07:56 AM

The hair o' the dog . . .

Apparently this woman's miniature schnauzer had an infection in its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the hair with a depilatory cream. The women went to a drug store and asked the druggist for assistance in selecting an appropriate product. He went on about how some were better for use on legs and how some were gentler and better for removing facial hair. He then said, "May I ask where you intend to use this?"

She replied "Well, it's for my schnauzer."

He said, "OK, but you shouldn't ride a bike for two weeks."

thedrifter

05-29-03, 07:56 AM

There were these two dogs...

There were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.

"What are you here for?" he asks.

"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand off."

"I don't blame you. So, what are you here for?"

"Erm... well... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going to be... you know... I'm going to have the operation..."

"Oh dear. I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.

Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.

"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"

"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.

"Go on, tell me. Please..."

"OK. Well, it's like this. The ***** next door was in heat, and so I was feeling... you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't resist it!" admitted the dog.

"Oh, so you're here for the operation too, then."

"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"

thedrifter

05-29-03, 07:57 AM

99 Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early

. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies--she's much
better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who
came to see her when she thought she was dying.
6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was
the only time they would come.
7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the
only time they would come.
8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards
on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about
whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to
the ceremony.
10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the
ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half
an hour it'll be locked up all weekend.
12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half
an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems
wide awake).
13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My truss snapped.
17. My support hose popped.
18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
19. I'm arranging financing for a house.
20. I'm arranging financing for a car.
21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.
22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the
only time they could deliver it.
23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this
was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think
this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse
that can't be used by just anybody. But if it's close to accurate,
it's extremely effective.)
25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.
27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.
28. My back aches.
29. My stomach aches.
30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover,"
especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
31. My biological clock is ticking.
32. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish
are getting freezer burn.
35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running.
The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.
39. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
40. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
41. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
42. I think I left the iron on.
43. I think I left the water on.
44. I think I left the refrigerator on.
45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
48. I have to have my waistband let out.
49. I have to have my watchband let out.
50. I have to have my son's rock band let out.
51. I'm having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
I won't be able to work afterwards.
52. I'm having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
I won't be able to work afterwards.
53. I'm having my hats checked this noon, and I'll be having a drop or
two so I won't be able to work afterwards.
54. I'm having a root canal.
55. I'm having a tax audit.
56. I'm going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that
beating a dead horse?)
57. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
58. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than
$100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
59. I need to break into my kid's piggy bank while he's not home.
60. I have to renew my driver's license.
61. I have to get new license plates.
62. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty
bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny
problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN
I have to breeze by and renew my driver's license and get new
license plates.
63. I've got an urgent session with my therapist.
64. I've got a really urgent session with my therapist.
65. I've ... I ... I'm not ... I don't ... I CAN'T COPE
WITH THIS!!
66. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
67. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
68. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
69. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
70. My rheumatism is acting up; there's going to be a terrible tornado.
71. My arthritis is acting up; there's going to be a terrible blizzard.
72. The pharaoh is acting up; there's going to be a terrible rain of
frogs.
73. I need to give blood.
74. I need to give evidence.
75. I need to give up.
76. I'm going to my best friend's engagement party.
77. I'm going to my best friend's wedding.
78. I'm going to my best friend's divorce. (We all knew it wouldn't
last; at the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
79. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
80. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don't pay them I'm
going to be arrested.
81. The police are at the back door. Cover me.
82. I'm having my nails done.
83. I'm having my colors done.
84. I'm having my head examined.
85. I'm going to the bank.
86. I'm going to sleep.
87. I'm going over the edge.
88. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
89. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
90. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
91. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
92. I need to check into a rest home
93. I'm breaking in my shoes.
94. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.
95. I'm breaking out.
96. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
97. I have to pick out a car.
98. I have to pick on my kids.
99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on
Christian fundamentalists. I thought I'd go to a ball game instead.

thedrifter

05-29-03, 07:58 AM

Cute Reading

The Lesson:

The Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they who thirst justice.
Blessed are you when persecuted.
Blessed are you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven...

Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And James said, "Will we have a test on it?"
And Phillip said, "What if we don't know it?"
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And Matthew said, "When do we get out of here?"
And Judas said, "What does this have to do with the real life?"

Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' Lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain... and Jesus wept.

thedrifter

05-29-03, 07:58 AM

Collection of cute sayings.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A king's castle is his home.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
Brain--the apparatus with which we think that we think.
BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Courage is your greatest present need.
CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying "slow down."
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad...
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep till noon.
Drive defensively--buy a tank.
Earn cash in your spare time--blackmail friends.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Familiarity breeds children.
God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself--historians merely repeat each other.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein
It works better if you plug it in.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury--Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
KODACLONE - duplicating film.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Life's a *****, then you die.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm.
QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The road to to success is always under construction.
Those who can't write, write help files.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When in doubt, don't bother.
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol.
YTERM - A terminal program for queries.
When in doubt, ignore it.
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

thedrifter

05-29-03, 07:59 AM

Like ships in the night

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that they will tend to overdramatise the affair.

We had just picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from changing the 'G' flag for the 'H' and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty rolling the 'G' flag up, I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to the last part, I told him to "let go," the lad although willing is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.

At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having been plotting the vessel's progress and, thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the "let go" to the third officer on the fo'cstle. The port anchor having been cleared away but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the "pipe" while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out "by the roots." I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans the tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degrees and asked if there was a film tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems.

At the moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's towing spring down onto the tug.

The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in under the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was answering my double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of that vessel.

It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

It never fails to amaze me the actions and behaviour of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records.

The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my crew.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the fo'cstle. These particulars will enable us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the #1 hold.

I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.

It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.

For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty numbers T/750101 to T750119 inclusive.

Yours truly

Master

thedrifter

05-29-03, 08:01 AM

Regarding marshmallows

Regarding the story about the Kraft marshmallow dispenser:

David Letterman does a sketch entitled "Supermarket finds," where his staff collects supermarket products and makes fun of them. Recently, he displayed Kraft Marshmallows and their claim about being

"The official marshmallow of the Starship U.S.S. Enterprise.(TM)"

And he then remarked, "Funny, I thought that was William Shatner's job."

thedrifter

05-29-03, 08:02 AM

Cereal Killers

Last night, while grocery shopping, I found a rather unusual item on the shelves. After filling my basket with Stouffer's Yuppie Chow, I strolled down the cereal aisle, where I saw several boxes of a substance labeled "Nintendo Cereal System." I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all, cartoon characters have been "endorsing" cereals for years, so why shouldn't Super Mario Brothers get into the act?

I see tremendous potential here. What better way for an organization with a sociopolitical agenda to infiltrate the minds and stomachs of Americans than to deliver its message at the breakfast table? I have seen the future of public relations, and it is the gastronomic equivalent of a "sound bite." I, for one, would rather sit down to a bowl of whale-shaped granola than receive another one of those envelopes from Greenpeace marked, "Animal Rights Survey Inside--Please Complete and Return Within Ten Days."

Not surprisingly, I have a few ideas:

Golden Graham- |The key to a balanced diet. Need I say more?
Rudmans

Special KKK |Even white supremacists need their minimum daily
|requirement of riboflavin. Try it with some grits.

Sugar Frosted |The pro-choice cereal. Stays crunchy in milk (or
Fetuses |saline solution). Anti-abortionists will have to
|make do with a box of Life.

Mothers Against |Send in three proof-of-purchase seals and
Drunk Driving Oats |receive a free breathalyzer.

Rifle Krispies |Specially marked boxes contain armor-piercing
|bullets. Cereal doesn't kill people. People
|kill people.

Rocky Tobacco Road |Brought to you by the tobacco industry, this is
|the only cereal that simultaneously satisfies your
|cravings for chocolate and nicotine, so light up
|a bowl for breakfast. Also available in menthol.

Khokhomeini Puffs |Some third world marketeer could capitalize on this
|idea in the aftermath of the demise of everyone's
|favorite mullah. Woe be to the infidels who fail
|to start their day with a bowl of little chocolate
|ayatollahs! Free "Death to America" decal inside!

thedrifter

05-29-03, 08:02 AM

A Paratrooper's First Jump

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

Art Petersn

05-29-03, 08:46 PM

Subject: A VERY BAD DAY

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that,
I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open
the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the
door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.

Osotogary

05-29-03, 09:33 PM

Some things, sometimes, seem to fall off by themselves.
I'm falling apart but, luckily, nothing has fallen off.
Gary

marinemom

05-29-03, 11:15 PM

The perfect solution for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict has been
found.

Since the Palestinians want a homeland, but no one wants to chop Israel up into even smaller pieces than it already is, let's let the Palestinians have France!

The French have already stated that nothing is worth fighting for.
Besides, France has better irrigation and soil than the West Bank and Gaza strip.

Its the perfect solution. The French won't even fight back.

And how about a new name for this Franco-Palestine? How about
Frankenstein?

Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with France.

Art Petersn

05-30-03, 06:33 AM

marinemom

I think you might have posted in the wrong place.

This doesn't sound like a joke. It just might work.

thedrifter

05-30-03, 08:08 AM

Bear bells

guy walks into this sporting goods store in Alaska, immediately spies a rather haggard-looking old salt of a store clerk sitting by the cash register.

"Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"

"Yep," answers the clerk.

"Big bears?"

"Yep."

"Mean bears?"

"Yep."

"Black bears?"

"Yep."

"GRIZZLIES???!"

"Yep."

"Got any bear bells?"

"What's dat?"

"You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so bears know yer in the perimiter so's they can runs away ..."

"Yep. Over yonder ..."

"Great. I'll take one fer black bears, and one fer grizzlies. Say, how'd you know if yer in black bear country anyway?"

"Look fer scatt."

"Oh. Well, how how'd you know if there's GRIZZLIES????!"

"Look fer scatt."

"You just said that!"

"Yeah. But grizzly scatt's different."

"Well now, just what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"

"Bear bells."

thedrifter

05-30-03, 08:09 AM

Appl. to live in West Virginia

APPLICATION TO LIVE IN WEST VIRGINIA

Name:______________ Nickname:____________ CB Handle:____________

Address: (RFD):____________________________________________ _____

Daddy: (If unknown attach list of three suspects):_____________________

Mamma:_______________________________

Neck Shade: [] Light Red [] Medium Red [] Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper:______ Lower:________

Name of Pickup Owned:______________ Height of truck:__________

Truck Equipped with:
[] Gun Rack [] 4-Wheel Drive [] Confederate Flag [] Toothpick Holder
[] 8-Track [] Load of Wood [] Hijacker Shocks [] Mud-grip Tires
[] Big Dog [] Racoon Hide [] Dual CB Antenna [] Fuzz Buster
[] Spitoon [] Camper Top [] Mag Wheels [] Air Horns
[] Mud Flaps

Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:_________

Bumper Stickers:
[] Eat More Possum [] Peanut Butter [] Honk if You Love Jesus
[] Wave if You're Horny [] Redman Chewing Tobacco

Define the following (Must be 90% correct):
[] Grits [] Muscadine [] Cobbler [] Tater
[] Goobers [] Brogans [] Fatback [] Pig Skins
[] Collards [] Redeye Gravy [] Tote [] Pinto Beans
[] Sidemeat [] Sawmill Gravy [] Poke [] Turnip Salit
[] Chitlins [] Soppin Syrup [] Cracker [] ****-on-Shingle
[] Ramps

Favorite Vocalist:
[] Donna Fargo [] Conway Twitty [] Loretta Lynn [] Hank Williams
[] Elvis [] Slim Whitman [] Tammy Wynette [] Porter Wagoner
[] Johnny Cash [] Willie Nelson [] George Jones [] Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:
[] Square Dancin' [] Possum Huntin' [] Skinny Dippin'
[] Craw Daddin' [] Gospel Singin' [] 4-Wheelin'
[] Drankin' [] Bull Chip Throwin' [] Blue Grass Conventions
[] Spitten' backy [] Other

Weapons Owned:
[] Deer Rifle [] Bird Gun [] Varmit Rifle [] Sawed-off Shotgun
[] Tire Iron [] Pick Handle [] Log Chain [] Power (chain) saw

Number of Hound Dogs:___ Type: [] Blue Tick [] Black & Tan [] Beagle

Emblem: [] John Deere [] CAT [] Budweiser [] McCullock Chain Saw
[] PBR [] NAPA [] Coors [] Skoals

Number of Weeks Unemployed:_____
Number of Welfare Checks Received:_____

Number of Dependents (Legal):______ (Claimed):______

Memberships:
[] KKK [] NRA [] Moose [] PTL Club [] VFW [] American Legion
[] Bass Club [] United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy

Length of Left Leg:______ Length of Right Leg:______

Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color,
Primer Red?______

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?______

How many kitchen appliances (working or not) will you keep on your front
porch?______

Will you be a part of the West Virginia Intelligentsia with a measurable
IQ?______

Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?______

Do you own any shoes, if so how many? ______
What year did you last purchase shoes? ______

Are you married to any of the following?
[] Sister [] Cousin [] Sow Do you know her name? ______

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?______

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?______

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?______

Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on? ______
To 21 with your fly up? ______

Medical Information:
Do you have at least 2 of the following:
[] BO [] Crabs [] Head Lice [] Bad Breath
[] Scabies [] Trench Mouth [] Runny Nose

Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______

Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week? ______

thedrifter

05-30-03, 08:09 AM

You get what you pay for

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.

He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my `wife' here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

thedrifter

05-30-03, 08:10 AM

Ireland forever

There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.

When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.

The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or Protestant?"

The American thinks to himself "Great--if I say I'm Catholic, this guy is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish." This, he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe.

The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland."

thedrifter

05-30-03, 08:11 AM

Up a creek

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide,

"The Drums have stopped, What happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said:

"Bass Solo"

thedrifter

05-30-03, 08:12 AM

You can't get there from here

A cabbie is driving by the Empire State Building one day when he's flagged down by a fellow with a neat moustache, wearing a bowler hat and carrying an umbrella. The fellow gets into the cab.

"Where to?" asks the cabbie.

"Trafalgar Square, if you please," replies the fare in a clipped English public-school accent.

The cabbie doesn't bat an eyelash. "That's fifty-percent extra for out-of-town trips," he says, "and ya gotta pay all tolls an' ferry fares."

"Very well," replies the English gentleman, and so off they go. The cabbie drives to Kennedy International, arranges the trip to London, and drives his cab into the hold of a huge auto-transport plane. All the way across the Atlantic they fly, the meter running all the while. (Fifteen cents per sixty seconds not in motion, you know.) When they arrive at Heathrow they disembark, and the cabbie drives to Trafalgar Square.

The English gentleman pays the fare and a good tip besides and disappears into the crowd. The cabbie decides that he may not ever have another chance to see London, so he'll drive around a bit before going back. While he's sightseeing, another fellow by the curb flags him down and gets in the cab.

"Flatbush Avenue, please."

The cabbie scowls back at him and shouts, "I don't go ta Brooklyn!"

thedrifter

05-30-03, 08:13 AM

Trains

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

thedrifter

05-30-03, 08:14 AM

Seminarians

Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination were taken by an old priest into a luxurious room, told to strip and then tie a small bell around their organ. Suddenly a ravishing girl entered the room, and one bell ding-a-linged furiously. "To the showers, Fogarty!" barked the old priest.

Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling.

"Sorry about that, O'Brian. The showers for you, too."

Finally alone with the naked lovely, the remaining seminarian watched as the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow remained calm and the bell silent.

"Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone!" the priest exulted. "You made it! Now go join those weaker souls in the showers."

Ding-a-ling.

thedrifter

05-30-03, 08:15 AM

Cowboy and the horse

Old west... A bar... All of a sudden, the door opens with a kick, and a cowboy in black enters... Black hat, black foulard, black shirt, black trousers, black boots, black gloves, black belt, and a black pair of guns...

Everyone looks at him with fearful eyes. He approaches the barman, and asks:

"Do you have a bucket?"

Barman runs inside, finds a wooden bucket, comes back. The cowboy in black looks to the bucket, and orders:

"Now, bring me three bottles of whiskey."

Seconds later:

"Pour them into the bucket."

And, then:

"And now, bring this to my horse outside."

The frightened and surprised barman does what the cowboy in black tells.

He finds a horse, black as night, tied in front of the bar, completely in black harness. It drinks all the whiskey at once.

Then the barman returns back inside the bar. The cowboy very carefully looks into the bucket, sees that nothing is left, and asks:

"What do I owe for this?"

Barman, while calculating the price, asks:

"Won't you drink anything?"

The cowboy in black replies:

"No. I don't drink and drive."

thedrifter

05-30-03, 08:15 AM

Wasted opportunity

An <ethnic> couple decided to stay at a very exclusive, WASP only hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprised to find they owe $3000.

"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed.

"So?" said the manager, "This is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."

"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.

"If you didn't use--that's your problem," came the reply.

"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man.

"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"

"If you didn't use--that's your problem!"

thedrifter

05-30-03, 08:16 AM

Phone a loan

A man approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.

"No. My husband wouldn't approve."

"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"

"Well, for $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."

So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!) In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?"

"Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern.

"And did he leave $1000?"

"Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst.

"Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"

thedrifter

05-31-03, 08:10 AM

Hallowe'en Costumes

One year at Hallowe'en the governor of Illinois was giving a costume party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse."

As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane."

...and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department, the doorman asked, "How shall I announce you?"

The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation."

"I'm very sorry sir" said the doorman in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."

"O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants."

thedrifter

05-31-03, 08:11 AM

Everything looks better with a fresh coat of paint...

An eager, but less than bright, young entrepreneur decides to go into the painting business. So he wanders into the rich part of town, paint brush in hand, and knocks at the door of a large house.

"Good day, sir. I was wondering if you had any painting you need done."

The owner of the house, a rich man by any standard, looks speculatively at the painter. He perceives a vibrant entrepreneurial spirit, which reminds him of his own ambition in his younger days.

"Hmmm. Yes, I think my porch needs a coat or two of paint."

The eager young painter rushes off around the side of the house...

Several hours later, he returns to the front door, his clothes dripping paint, and knocks again.

"Sir, I've finished! But I have to tell you, that wasn't a porch, it was a Ferarri."

thedrifter

05-31-03, 08:12 AM

Birds of a feather....

Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stock, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked, "Papa stork, where were you last night?"

"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork.

Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked, "Mama stork, where were you last night?"

"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.

Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.

"Out scaring the **** out of college students," replied baby stork.

thedrifter

05-31-03, 08:13 AM

Nun of that here

There were four nuns, who had been together in the same convent all of their adult years, all having become nuns immediately after leaving high school. Now in their mid forties, these nuns began to discuss how much of real life they had missed, and how limited had been their experiences in the "real" world. Finally they conceived a plan, to correct this lack of experience, before their looks were entirely gone. They pooled such savings as they had, borrowed money from relatives, and all four went on a long weekend junket flight to that ever popular, world capital of sin, Las Vegas.

As soon as they hit Vegas, the four nuns ditched their habits, and did the rounds of all the beauty shops, the boutiques, and the shopping malls. All dolled up, made up, and ready to go, they spent the entire weekend "out on the town" in Vegas, having a marvelous time, and catching the red-eye back home Sunday night.

Monday morning they went to their parish priest, and asked him if he could hear their confessions that morning, to which the priest replied, "Certainly sisters, just line up here outside the confessional, and I'll hear your confessions one at a time."

The first nun entered the confessional, beginning her confession as usual, and then told the priest about her trip to Vegas...

- "Father, I have gambled, I have drunk spirits, I have smoked, and I had a wonderful time. I also touched a man's penis with my left hand."

The priest nearly had heart failure, but slowly he composed himself, and said to the nun...

- "Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Mary's, perform one act of charity, and dip your left hand in the Holy Water, and you shall be forgiven."

With that, the first nun left, and second nun entered...

- "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I have partaken of alcohol, I have worn make-up, I have used tobacco, and in general I had a terrific time. Also, I touched a man's penis with my right hand."

The priest was nearly catatonic with this news, but as he recovered, he told the nun...

- "Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Mary's, perform two acts of charity, and dip your right hand in the Holy Water, and you shall be forgiven."

The second nun left, and all of a sudden, all hell broke loose outside the confessional. The priest opened the door to see the last two nuns fighting, wrestling on the floor, and destroying their clothes and the church in the process. The priest shouted at them to stop, saying...

- "In Heavens name, stop this, you are sisters! There is no need to fight like this, over anything. I will hear your confessions equally, please stop this!"

One nun was sitting astride the other, throttling the nun on the bottom with one hand, and hitting her with the other. She stopped in mid swing and said...

- "Listen Father,... If you think I'm gonna gargle with that Holy Water, AFTER she's sat in it, you've got another damn think coming!"

thedrifter

05-31-03, 08:14 AM

A Child's View of Music

These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri.

Music Education
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.

Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

My favorite composer is Opus.

A harp is a nude piano.

A tuba is much larger than its name.

Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.

Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.

A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.

Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.

Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.

Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes.

The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.

For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.

I can't reach the brakes on this piano!

The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.

Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.

The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

Tubas are a bit too much.

Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.

thedrifter

05-31-03, 08:17 AM

Parrot gets around

Yet another parrot joke:

Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing a talking bird. However, it seems a lot of people are going to receive talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw. It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled on a perch at her home he looked around and said:

"Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!"

Later that day the woman's two daughters arrived home from high school. Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled:

"Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!"

Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him the bird squawked:

"Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. G'day Jimmy!"

thedrifter

05-31-03, 08:17 AM

Political jokes

Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deng Xiaoping tells Gorbachev that three demands must be met before relations can improve. First, China wants 100 million tons of coal. "Agreed," says Gorbachev. And 20 new ships. "Done," says Gorbachev. And a million bicycles. "Impossible," says Gorbachev. "But why?" asks Deng. "Because," says Gorbachev, "the Poles don't make bicycles."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Khrushchev says to Zhou Enlai, "The difference between the Soviet Union and China is that I rose to power from the peasant class, whereas you came from the privileged Mandarin class." Zhou replies, "True. But there is this similarity. Each of us is a traitor to his class."

thedrifter

05-31-03, 08:18 AM

Kids in class

It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd grade teacher asked some of her students to tell the class a story of something that had happened to them over the summer break in which they learned a moral.

The first student stood up and said, "Well, I went to my father's farm, and one day we counted the eggs in the chicken coupe to see how many chicks we would get, but that night a wolf came and ate 1/2 of the eggs. The moral I learned was don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Very good," said the teacher.

The second student stood up and said, "Well, one day my mother sent me to the market to get some milk, and on my way home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who spilled my milk all over the ground. I went home crying to my mother. And she said not to cry over spilled milk."

"Very good," said the teacher.

The third student stood up and said, "My father told me one of his war stories, and it went like this: He was stranded in a fox hole with only one bottle of Jack Daniels, 12 rounds of ammo, and 2 grenades. Well he drank the whiskey, then the enemy came. He shot up 12 guys, and blew up 20 more with the grenades."

"Well, what moral could you have possibly have gotten from such a story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't **** with my dad when he's drunk."

thedrifter

05-31-03, 08:18 AM

Be careful what you leave on the bus.

Please suspend incredulity at this point. I am merely seeking further particulars about an absent-minded biologist named Ralph. He is alleged to have been doing some research on sperm whales. This involved borrowing a whale's 9 foot long penis (preserved) from the Natural History Museum. It is further alleged that he took this item, suitably packaged, off home on the bus. When he arrive he, of course, discovered that he had left it on the bus. Forgetful, you see. So he had to go round to the lost property office and ask the attendant whether, please, he had a 9 ft penis. AND HE HAD. Can anybody fill in the details? On second thoughts I really think I'd sooner not know.

thedrifter

05-31-03, 08:19 AM

Mort Sahl on Alexander Haig

Haig offered Sahl a Cuban cigar, whereupon Sahl wondered how an anti-communist such as Haig could be supporting Cuba by smoking their cigars. Haig replied that he preferred to think of it as burning their crops to the ground.

Sahl and Haig were discussing Henry Kissinger. Sahl mentioned that, of course, Kissinger could not be the US President since he was not born in the US. Haig said, no, that's a common misconception, Kissinger was born in the US. "How did he get that accent?" asked Sahl. Haig replied, "From never listening to anybody."

thedrifter

05-31-03, 08:20 AM

Praise the Lord

I was sitting behind a car at a stop light the other day and I noticed that it had a bumper sticker that read "Honk if you love Jesus." So I thought about it a bit, and since I loved Jesus, I honked my horn.

I was very surprised when the driver of the car got out and yelled, "The light is still red, you *******!" got back in the car and drove off through the light which had just turned green.

Phantom Blooper

05-31-03, 10:24 AM

A Sgt.Major of Marines retired after 30 years of service to his country. He was not married except to the Corps,hence he was lonely in his retirement years.So he decided to take some of his savings and buy a chicken farm. He had white chickens,black chickens,red chickens and brown chickens. It was allot of work but the Sgt.Major was still lonely.Not quite ready to bring a woman unto his watch,he decided to buy a parrot to keep him company. He taught the parrot everything about his beloved Corps. He taught him how to talk,and the UCMJ,General Orders,Close Order Drill,Customs & Courtesies,Uniform Regulations....the list was endless.The Sgt.Major was running low on supplies and had to go into town.He told the parrot that he would be gone a couple hours and that the parrot was on guard duty until his return.The parrot saluted and said'" Aye,Aye Sgt. Major." Well,the Sgt. Major left to go get supplies,and upon his return he found his farm yard scattered with dead chickens.But he only saw the black chickens,white chickens and red chickens. This was puzzling to him and he went to the chicken coop and saw his parrot choking the chickens and throwing them into the barnyard saying,"When I say fall out in khakis,I mean fall out in F**king khakis." :marine:

Barrio_rat

05-31-03, 06:17 PM

Interesting observations......

COOL THINGS ABOUT BEING A MAN

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work...more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch or bra adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen, dude.

15. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the damn time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own damn jars.

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. ..or cares.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi, mini or anything pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.

37. The world is your urinal.

TEN THINGS MEN KNOW FER SURE ABOUT WOMEN.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. They have breasts

Rufe

05-31-03, 10:26 PM

Who Should be in Charge?

"I should be in charge" said the blood,
"because I
circulate oxygen all
over
so without me you'd all waste away.

"I should be in charge, " said the stomach,"
because I
process food and
give
all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs,
"because I carry the
body wherever
it
needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes,
"because I allow the
body to see

"I should be in charge, "said the rectum,
"Because I'm
responsible for
waste
removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the
rectum and insulted
him, so in a
huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible
headache, the
stomach was
bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got
watery, and the
blood was
toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be
the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The a**hole is usually in charge

Phantom Blooper

05-31-03, 10:54 PM

Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisianna,Boudreaux's wife had been pregnant for sometime and now the time had come.So he brought her to the doctor,and da doctor began to deliver da baby. The doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said," Hey Boudreaux!You just had a son .Ain't dat grand!!"Boudreaux got excited about dat, and the doctor said,"Hold on we ain't done yet!"The doctor delivered a little girl and said,"Hey you got a daughter too! And she be a pretty lil' tang,too."Boudreaux got puzzled by this and the doctor said,"Hold on, we still ain't done yet!" And delivered another lil' baby boy!!When Boudreaux went home with his wife and three children,he sat down with his wife and said,"Mama,you remember dat night we ran out of KY jelly and had to use dat 3- in-1 Oil?"She said,"Yeah,I do!"Boudreaux said,"Man, it's a good tang we didn't use no WD-40!"......:banana:

thedrifter

06-01-03, 09:19 AM

More than a mile for that camel

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.

Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

thedrifter

06-01-03, 09:20 AM

Newspaper (mis?)advertisements

This actually appeared in The Daily Californian--a very serious campus newspaper for all of UC Berkeley.

Friday: Big advertisement--Greek Special--Our huge 18-inch penis...etc. etc. Almost as good coming up as it was going down.

Monday:

RETRACTION-- A PAID ADVERTISEMENT --RETRACTION

The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18-inch PIZZA and not a huge 18-inch penis as it was described in the ad. Blondies Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused.

Sure confused me.

thedrifter

06-01-03, 09:21 AM

Birds and the Bees

There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees.

So the father goes to his son's room and says, "Son, do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?"

"Oh yes papa, I remember very well," says the son.

"Well son, it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing."

thedrifter

06-01-03, 09:22 AM

Perestroika

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender. "One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!" "Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopeks for the perestroika." Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopeks and says, "We are out of beer."

thedrifter

06-01-03, 09:23 AM

A matter of perspective

A Geneticist, after struggling for 10 years, makes a personal accomplishment one day and goes to a bar to commemorate it that night. He finds himself a quiet corner and orders a triple martini. Meanwhile a gorgeous woman aged about 30 enters the bar, and not finding a table for herself, asks the scientist if she could share the quiet table.

The two begin to converse after mutual introductions.

Jones: "Mr. Smith, what brought you to this place tonight?"

Smith: "Well! After researching for nearly ten years I have accomplished something personal and I am here tonight to enjoy it. And why are YOU here Ms. Jones?"

Jones: "I too have a personal accomplishment and I am here to enjoy it too."

Smith: "What a coincidence! Ms. Jones! May I know what your accomplishment is?"

Jones: "Sure. I have been married for about ten years now and I could not have children. But today my doctor told me that I am pregnant. And what distinguishes your work from others Mr. Smith?"

Smith: "I had this rare species of female bird with me and its male counterpart is found nowhere. In my attempt to save the species after trying to CROSS it with different species of male birds for TEN YEARS, today I was successful in doing it."

Jones: "WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!"

thedrifter

06-01-03, 09:23 AM

Family tree

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents "how was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"OH," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

thedrifter

06-01-03, 09:24 AM

"**** Happens" in various religions

TAOISM: **** happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucious says, "**** happens."

BUDDHISM: If **** happens, it isn't really ****.

HINDUISM: This **** has happened before.

PROTESTANTISM: If **** happens, it happens to someone else.

CATHOLICISM: If **** happens, you deserved it.

JUDAISM: Why does **** always happen to US?

ISLAM: If **** happens, kill the person(s) responsible.

More-From: sunne!East!bruces (Bruce Sesnovich - Sun BOS Information Architecture)

EXISTENTIALISM: **** doesn't happen; **** is.

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: No **** happens until Armaggedon.

ISLAM: When **** happens, kill Salman Rushdie.

SECULAR HUMANISM: **** evolves.

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: When **** doesn't happen, don't call a doctor--pray.

thedrifter

06-01-03, 09:25 AM

Twilight Zone Commercials

Scene: The inside of a restaurant. As people eat, the announcer walks in from the left and faces the camera.)

Announcer: Tonight, we are here at the Platinum Penguin restaurant in Beverly Hills, where we've secretly replaced the fine coffee they usually serve with sand and ground-up clam shells. Here's what they thought.

(Cut to table #1. Man sips the coffee and spits it out all over his wife. Cut to table #2. Woman sips coffee and starts gagging. Cut to inside kitchen. The cook, screaming, pours the coffee out all over the floor. Cut to table #1, where couple is trying to recover)

Announcer: You're right! (Couple looks at announcer as he puts can of coffee on table) This isn't real coffee, it's... Forgers!

(Fade to black.)

(Scene: The breakfast cereal section of a large supermarket. Mother enters pushing a shopping cart, a small child in tow. She reaches to grab a box of cereal.)

Voice: Shredded Wheat?

Mother: (Turning to camera) Yes...

Voice: It'll take twelve boxes of Shredded Wheat to equal the nutrition in one box of Total!

(Twelve boxes of Shredded Wheat fly from the shelf and land all over the floor.)

Mother: (Reaching for a different box) How about Cheerios?
Voice: Five boxes!

(Five boxes of Cheerios fly from the shelf and land all over the floor.)

Child: (Holding up candy) What about a Hershey bar?
Voice: Seven hundred fifty thousand!

(Mother and Child look up, then cover their heads with their arms as a huge pile of Hershey bars drops on top of them, filling the aisle and the rest of the store. Cut to outside of store. Windows shatter and candy bars pour out from inside. Cut to breakfast cereal aisle. Candy moves in two places, and Mother and Child poke their heads and arms out of the pile, sending a few bars flying.)
Child: Let's get Shredded Wheat and some Flintstone Vitamins...

Mother: (Pulling herself out) Good idea.

thedrifter

06-01-03, 09:26 AM

A giant tortoise.

A well-known scientist (some say it was Bertrand Russell) once gave a public lecture on astronomy. He described how the earth orbits around the sun and how the sun, in turn, orbits around the center of a vast collection of stars called our galaxy. At the end of the lecture, a little old lady at the back of the room got up and said: "What you have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant tortoise."

The scientist gave a superior smile before replying, "What is the tortoise standing on?"

"You're very clever, young man, very clever," said the old lady. "But it's turtles all the way down!"

thedrifter

06-01-03, 09:27 AM

Teamsters

Q: What is the last thing Jesus Christ said to the Teamsters?

A: "Don't do anything 'till I get back."

[Brad, if you post this joke, do I need to worry about violence from the 2 or 3 teamsters who know how to read?]

Source: my brother, who heard the joke working on a film in Los Angeles

thedrifter

06-01-03, 09:28 AM

"Great Sex" story

met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasn't really the *greatest* sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.

To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely...well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me...well, really, I wasn't actually *fondling* her, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her.

Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in. Although, the chair was...on the other side of a wall you see...in another room sort of. And I was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair was very close to the wall, very close. Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of...on the street...leaning against the building. But wow! What a night. What a night.

thedrifter

06-01-03, 09:28 AM

Father and son

Six year-old boy to his father: Daddy, can I have a train set?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy, reaching into his pants: No.
His Father: Well, come back when it does.

Five years pass.
Eleven year-old boy to his father: Dad, can I have a ten speed bike?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy, reaching into his pants: No.
His Father: Well, come back when it does.

Another five years passes.
Sixteen year-old boy to his father: Dad, can I have a car?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy: Yes, it does.
Father: Good. Then go **** yourself.

Phantom Blooper

06-01-03, 11:21 AM

Hung Chow,"Hey boss I no come to work today, I really sick,I got headache,stomach ache and legs hurt. I no able to come work today." The boss says,"You know Hung Chow I really need you to come to work today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.That makes me feel better and I am able to work all day. You should try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls: "Boss I do what you say and I feel great,I be work soon. By way boss, you have nice house!" :p

Phantom Blooper

06-01-03, 12:47 PM

A woman was helping her computer illiterate husband set up an account on their computer.After filling in all the required information the computer prompted the husband to put in a password.After thinking for a few minutes he decided to type in P-E-N-I-S. The wife looked at her husband and smiled knowing that he was displaying his testosterone level with her. A few minutes later a message came back from the couples Internet Service Provider stating: PASSWORD NOT LONG ENOUGH,PLEASE TRY AGAIN. :o

thedrifter

06-02-03, 07:32 AM

Take Two Tabloids and...

Readers of New York magazine were asked to submit made-up headlines for tabloid newspapers. Some of the suggestions:

"Dog Missing Since 1940 Returns, Bites Master"
"I Found Danny DeVito's Head in a Dumpster"
"Satanic Messages in Nintendo Imperil our Youth"
"Sky-diving Mom Gives Birth During Free-Fall"
"Your Remote Control Could Launch Nuclear Weapons"
"Man Held in Shooting Death of Own Siamese Twin"
"Cocker Spaniel Shoots Intruder, Calls 911 to Save Master"
"Infant Grows Sideburns During Visit to Graceland"
"Aliens Reconstruct Berlin Wall"

thedrifter

06-02-03, 07:32 AM

Bush & Gorby

One that my 12 year old son brought home from school:

Bush and Gorbachev decided to get themselves frozen for a hundred years to see how the current political situation resolved itself. After the time was up they were thawed, and started to read newspapers to catch up on the situation.

Gorbachev started to laugh. In response to Bush's question he said, "I see that the dollar is still getting weaker."

Then Bush started to laugh. In response to Gorbachev's question of why, he said, "I read that there is renewed fighting on the German-Chinese border

thedrifter

06-02-03, 07:33 AM

Literary animals

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."

thedrifter

06-02-03, 07:34 AM

Fitting end

A married guy was out getting a little "strange stuff" when he suffered a massive heart attack and died...

The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away... What would you like us to do?"

To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me... Cut it off and stuff it in his ass."

When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket... Bending over him she said softly, "Hurts, doesn't it?"

thedrifter

06-02-03, 07:34 AM

Apartment gossip

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"

"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."

"Whatever for?"

"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"

"Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor."

thedrifter

06-02-03, 07:35 AM

Sainthood for Marcos

I heard recently that no Filipino saints have ever been selected and feel this is a wrong that must be righted. I know of at least one Filipino who has passed the criteria for sainthood (performing three miracles), Ferdinand Marcos. The miracles he performed are:

1) He took millions, possibly billions of dollars out of one of the world's poorer nations.

2) He stayed married to Imelda for over 30 years.

3) He died of natural causes.

thedrifter

06-02-03, 07:37 AM

I'm no joketeller, but...

Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink. Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."

After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance. Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."

Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there."

They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.

Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"

Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"

thedrifter

06-02-03, 07:37 AM

Time out

A man is traveling through the desert when he comes upon an an Indian lying on the ground stark naked with a hard-on sticking straight up in the air. He asks the Indian what he is doing, to which the Indian replies "I'm telling the time." The man tells the Indian that he doesn't believe it, so the Indian tells him that it is 1:00. The man looks at his watch and is amazed to find that it is exactly 1:00.

He travels a bit longer until he comes upon another naked Indian lying on the ground with a hard-on sticking straight up. He asks this Indian what he is doing and he too replies that he is telling the time. He tells the Indian to prove it and the Indian tells him that it is 2:00. The man looks at his watch and once again is amazed that the time is correct.

He continues his trek through the desert until he comes across an Indian lying naked in the sand, masturbating. He asks this Indian "and what the hell are you doing?"

To which the Indian replied: "I'm winding my watch!"

thedrifter

06-02-03, 07:39 AM

Newsbriefs #2

The first arrest under the new "fighting words" policy was made. A reggae group performing in the Price Center was arrested after singing a song calling for the end to apartheid in South Africa and whipping up student fervor. A spokesperson for the police said that the Regents could not tolerate anyone claiming the world wasn't as kind and gentle as President Bush had officially declared it was.

The federal government completed the phasing out of lobbying in Congress, calling it a serious breach of democracy and not in the best interests of the nation. It will be replaced by a series of public auctions where both senators' and representatives' votes will be sold to the highest bidder. Already, most big businesses and many organized religions have applied for bidding privileges, gearing up to purchase votes for the bill that is now before Congress: whether to indict Senator Alan Cranston for ethics violations.

The FBI, using its new authority to arrest criminals around the world without the host country's consent, descended on Mexico last week. They arrested a Mexican national for possession of one joint, and under the America "zero tolerance" law, confiscated the entire country. President Salinas lashed out at the FBI's action, calling it an unjustifiable breach of international law, but an FBI spokesman told Salinas to shut up and finish scrubbing out the lavatory.

President Bush harshly denounced the Communist governments still holding out against reform. He criticized their violent suppression of political demonstrations and food riots, saying that police force should not be used to solve social problems. He stressed the importance of helping people to reform, rather than sentencing them to unprofitable incarceration. He then excused himself to attend a "War On Drugs" rally.

thedrifter

06-02-03, 07:39 AM

A signature

A student walks into a car showroom and after a long talk with a salesman, he picks the car he wants to buy.

-- ``Do you have the cash to pay for it, Sir, or will you be making a hire purchase agreement?''

-- ``I'll buy it on HP, thanks.''

So the student dictates his details to the salesman, who fills in the HP application. Then, to the salesman's astonishment, he signs at the bottom of the form with a big cross and a little cross.

-- ``What are these crosses?''

-- ``Well, the big cross is my name and the little cross is `BSc (Agriculture).'''

thedrifter

06-02-03, 07:40 AM

Painting the town red

Jocelyn Paine

[ Scene : The White House ]

Presidential Aide - Mr. Reagan!. Mr Reagan Sir!!! The Russians have just landed on the Moon! And they've started to paint it red! What shall we do?

Ronnie - Come back when they've finished, son.

P.A. [later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have painted a quarter of the moon red!

Ronnie - Don't worry about it, son. Tell me when they've finished.

P.A. [still later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted half the moon red! Aren't you going to do anything?

Ronnie - Nope, not yet.

P.A. [still later and even more anxious] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted THREE-QUARTERS of the moon red! Can we bomb them, Sir? Please, Sir?

Ronnie - [ as before ]

P.A. - Mr Reagan. They've painted the WHOLE moon red!

Ronnie - OK. Now call NASA, and tell them to get a rocket up there, with plenty of white paint, and paint "Coca-Cola" across it.

thedrifter

06-02-03, 07:41 AM

Black Humour

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:

Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?

Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.

Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?

Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they don't **** around at those crematoriums.

thedrifter

06-02-03, 07:42 AM

Twisted chain

In article <Jan.5.12.25.54.1990.9604@occlusal.rutgers.edu> hundt@occlusal.rutgers.edu (Thomas M. Hundt) writes:

James D. Haack writes:
a friend of mine just got back from Europe and has some pieces of the Berlin wall for sale ... if you are interested please write back ... I think that he wants $10 each including postage.

Alan McKay:

Seems to me, Berlin Wall pieces are a great investment! Here's what you do. Buy a chunk for $10. Cut it up into ten smaller chunks. Sell each one for $10, for a profit of $90.

Here's an idea inspired by recent net/world events:

The Berlin Wall Chain Letter

Simply send a piece of the Berlin Wall (going rate is $10) to the Dictator at the top of the following list. Then remove him from the list, and add your self at the bottom. In a few weeks, you'll be receiving thousands of pieces, enough to build a wall around your own country!

1) Deng Hsiao Ping
2) Manuel Noriega
3) Mohamar Khadafi
4) Daniel Ortega
5) Nicolae Ceausescu

P.S. If any of the above dictators are no longer in power, please remove them from the list; it's getting difficult to keep it up to date lately.

DanBO

06-02-03, 08:07 AM

Subject: A fat chance

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle.

She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a fairy-tale myth. I'm
a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of
shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not
THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to
cook and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with

my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I

wish for, a good man.

"The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see
that friggin' map again."

"Semper Fi Mac"

thedrifter

06-02-03, 11:13 AM

Not a joke.....but enjoyed this little story,.......

just makes us men think what we do for women.......LOL

The Wedding Zinger

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Bit of Humor by Peter McKay

Jun 1, 2003

The New York wedding this past weekend was an elegant affair, with the reception held in a modernist hall at the Museum of Natural History. I had actually bought a new tie for the occasion, and my wife purchased a new designer dress. The one thing I didn't count on was that with all those antiquities in the museum building, there would also be, to my horror, metal detectors. As I waited in line to go through the machine, I glared at my wife, vowing revenge.

This wedding was a big deal, as we very rarely go out for a night on the town that involves getting seriously dressed up. (My wife complains that most places I take her don't even require shoes.) My wife bought her aqua designer dress on eBay at a steep discount. It was beautiful, from one of those designers whose names I am supposed to recognize but never do. But because the dress was such a big deal, all the accessories had to be, too. (The hunt for an appropriate pair of matching shoes was, no exaggeration, endless. It took almost as long for my wife to find footwear as it took Stanley to find Livingston.)

She also bought, on eBay again, an antique metal purse, which she proudly displayed to me one day when I got home from work. (The purse looked a lot bigger on the Internet, shot in extreme close up. When delivered, the actual purse turned out to be about 2 inches by 3 inches, big enough to hold maybe a Tic Tac box or possibly a deck of cards, if you took out the face cards and both Jokers. My wife declared it "cute.")

The shopping for this event went down to the wire, as we scoured New York shops. One of the last purchases, made just hours before the wedding, was a new "push-up" bra. We ran back to our hotel room to get changed with only a few minutes to spare. As I was tying my tie, my wife gasped from across the hotel room.

"What?" I said.

She turned to me and grimaced. The new push-up bra worked well -- so well, in fact, that it pushed her up out of her somewhat low-cut aqua dress and into the public eye. She could keep under control, she said, if she kept adjusting every two or three minutes, but it would be a struggle.

"What do you think?" she asked, frowning.

Now, as a husband with almost 20 years' experience under my belt, I have learned that situations like this are a minefield. (Never, never, ever offer criticism of your wife's appearance and especially not right before a big fancy event. I am still living down the "Perm of 1986.") But I also knew, without any doubt, that if she left the hotel with that bra on, she'd be sorry. She sort of resembled our toaster at home when the English muffins are done.

"Your decision," I said, "but don't blame me!" I left to go wait for her in the lobby.

The whole way through the wedding ceremony, the congregation kept its eyes on the bride and groom. My wife and I, however, kept glancing down at her chest, which seemed to believe we were attending a coming out party.

After the ceremony, my wife, fed up with trying to keep herself in check, whispered that she was running to the ladies' room. She returned a moment later, clutching the overzealous bra in her fist.

"Here!" she whispered. "Put it in your suit pocket!"

I took a step back. "No!" I said. "Put it in your purse!"

She held up her teeny tiny purse and frowned at me. What with her lipstick, it was filled to the brim. I glared at her, took an angry glance around, and then stuffed the piece of offending lingerie into my suit coat breast pocket. The whole way to the reception, I kept trying to adjust my jacket. With the big lump under one arm, I looked like my wife's bodyguard instead of her husband.

A half hour later, as we stood in the security line at the museum, I watched as my wife handed the guards her teeny tiny metal purse, smiled at me and then breezed through the metal detectors. I held back, suddenly freezing as I reached into my breast pocket and felt my underwire bra.

"Sir?" the guard said. "Please step forward and place all metal objects in the tray."

It was a true dilemma. I could either attempt to sneak through security and hope that I wouldn't set off the alarm, or I could, in front of all these people, admit that I had come to the reception packing a push-up bra.

I stepped forward, knowing that I'd have to turn over my bra. I needed it back, though, as it would be perfect to strangle my wife with.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter McKay is an attorney and writer from Pittsburgh, PA. He grew up (actually just got older) in Chicago, Philadelphia and Florida, and graduated from Penn State University as an English major. He has recently published Welcome to the Nuthouse!, a collection of columns that chronicles a year in the life of a typical suburban family

© 2003 Creators Syndicate, Inc.

gwladgarwr

06-02-03, 06:53 PM

Originally posted by thedrifter
"**** Happens" in various religions

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: No **** happens until Armaggedon.

SECULAR HUMANISM: **** evolves.

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: When **** doesn't happen, don't call a doctor--pray.

I've seen these versions:

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: Ding, dong, **** happens.

SECULAR HUMANISM: **** happens to evolve.

REFORM JUDAISM: ****, happen to have any Pepto?

MORMONISM: When **** finally happens, be sure you've stocked your garage with a ****load of canned goods.

SHINTOISM: **** happens even to your dead ancestors.

SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTISM: **** really happens on Saturdays.

CHURCH OF THE WORLD CREATOR: **** happens to non-Aryans.

SCIENTOLOGY: Your mind can overcome any **** that happens.

SALVATION ARMY: **** happens ring ring ring ring ring ring.

HARE KRISHNAISM: **** happens rama lama ding ding.

SATANISM: I can MAKE **** happen to you....

WICCA: Blessed be - **** happens.

PAGANISM: My gods say: **** happens.

ATHEISM: There is no God - **** happens by itself.

UNIFICATION CHURCH (MOONIES): **** won't happen if you submit to a marriage arranged by Rev. Moon in a mass ceremony.

TIBETAN BUDDHISM: The Dalai Lama says: "****, whatever happened to 'Free Tibet'?"

RASTAFARIANISM: Mon, let's SMOKE this ****!

thedrifter

06-03-03, 07:30 AM

Communists in England

The tour started at 9:00 am and the factory was just starting to fill with employees...

GORBY: "What these people do?"

MAGGIE: "Oh, they are just starting work!"

GORBY: "AAAARRggghhh! In Russia, start at 5:00 am"

So, they walk around for a while, viewing some machinery and at 10:30 a hooter sounds and the factory workers leave.

G: "Where they go?"

M: "Oh, it is morning tea time. They have a break for 20 minutes."

G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! In Russia, no morning tea."

At 12:00 noon the two VIP's are viewing plans for a new factory and a hooter sounds and the factory workers leave, again.

G: "Where they go now?"

M: "Oh, it is lunch time. They take a break for an hour."

G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! One hour. In Russia, is ten minutes lunch."

At precisely 2:15 pm a hooter sounds, and again the workers leave the factory.

G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! Another break, nyet?"

M: "Yes, another break. They get 20 minutes afternoon smoke!"

At 4:30 pm another hooter sounds and the factory grinds to a halt.

G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! Another break?"

M: "No, they've finished for the day."

G: "In Russia start at 5:00 am, no breaks, ten minutes lunch, no breaks, work till 7:00 pm at night. Right through, no breaks. Why you not make them work harder?"

M: "Oh, we can't do that!"

G: "Why you can't make them work harder?"

M: "Because they're all communists."

thedrifter

06-03-03, 07:30 AM

The Real Reason Nobody Ever Sees Santa

Scene:

A small boy stands agape on the stairway overlooking the living room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and white toque hunches over the fireplace, filling stockings with gifts, sees the boy over his shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly.

Caption: "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you."

thedrifter

06-03-03, 07:32 AM

Teach your children

Two guys recently dead were given the option to stay either in Heaven or Hell for the rest of their eternity. They asked if it was OK to look around first, and to their surprise, it was.

First, they went to Heaven. All nice-guys were there, dressed in white they sat on clouds playing harp. Quite a boring place, thought our heroes.

"Let's go to Hell," they said to each other.

Hell turned out to be a completely different scene. It was all bars, casino and amusement parks. Free drinks for everyone and a lot of people having a real good time.

Back from Hell, the guys where asked to chose between Heaven and Hell. They both chose Hell.

Back in Hell, they were immediately scuffled in the back of a sub-surface car and driven to a coal mine. Someone gave them a shovel each and told them to start working.

"What's this? The last time we were here the place was entirely different."

"Yes, but then you were tourists, now you are immigrants.

thedrifter

06-03-03, 07:35 AM

Three pregnant women at lunch....

Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy."

The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?"

"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."

"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?"

"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern.

The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing....

"I'm going to have a puppy!"

thedrifter

06-03-03, 07:36 AM

Broken Leg

"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

thedrifter

06-03-03, 07:36 AM

All Purpose Joke

These three strings go into a bar and order a martini. One string notices a horse with a sign that says, "Make me laugh, make me cry, win $1000" on it. Meanwhile, a bell starts ringing in the clock tower overhead, and suddenly there is a loud thud as a body falls to the street in front of the bar. "I'm a Frayed Knot!" screams one enraged string at the bartender, and then disappears. Kant leaves via the back door. The other string stands in front of the horse and pulls down his pants. It isn't clear at this point why the horse is wearing pants.

The Inspector walks in the front door and says to no one in particular, "I can't remember his name, but his face rings a bell." Several dozen customers instinctively stab their F keys. The remaining string gulps down the rest of his martini and says, "And at these prices, you're not likely to see many more!"

At the table in the back, the Doctor looks intently at his patient and says, "And if you don't quit jerking off, your elbow's never going to get any better!" "You think your thore," the patient screams back, "I can't even thit!"

There's a loud thud as another body hits the pavement in front of the bar, and a Purdue freshman runs in the door and says, "And now his brother's a dead ringer, too!"

The door to the bathroom opens and a young boy in a vaguely Medieval costume wanders out. "Do you know where some Yellow Fingers are?" he asks.

Suddenly, there is a loud crash outside and a bleeding man comes stumbling into the bar. "Was that a penguin I just ran over, or a nun with sunglasses?" he asks. "I think not," says the bartender, and disappears.

A yokel gets up from a corner booth and asks the bartender (who has mysteriously reappeared), "Bartender, where is the library at?" The bartender looks askance at the hick and replies "We don't serve people from Purdue, *********!" and hits him over the head with a bat, killing him instantly.

Immediately, several people scream out "I'm a dead ringer for my brother!"

(Fortunately, at this point the election results came in and Ferdinand Marcos won 512 to 2.)

An Indian walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a Q-tip. "Wax problem?" the solicitous bartender asks. "No, buffalo come," replies the red man.

The bartender notices a man scrawling graffiti on the wall and levels him with both barrels of a sawed-off shotgun. The first part of the grafitti reads:

>>>Electricians do it for the halibut.
>>I have a haddock.

>Cod, I hate this.

The bar explodes into spontaneous applause.

A prison convict stands on his chair, clears his throat and says, "57!" The room is dead silent. The silence is broken by screams from the man trying to remove his appendix with the scalpel he found underneath his chair. There are several examples of Universes scattered about the floor beside him.

A disgruntled reader gets up and leaves via the front door...

thedrifter

06-03-03, 07:37 AM

What Time-Life Really Means

Time-Life has been running a commercial recently hawking its book series Mysteries of the Unknown. At one point in this commercial the narrator describes an event at Stonehenge where a person "was grabbed by a terrifying unseen force and held suspended in the air." I don't know about you, but where I'm from, this is better known as a "wedgie."

thedrifter

06-03-03, 07:38 AM

Didn't know if he was coming or going

Three guys are debating who has the best memory:

Guy 1: I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.

Guy 2: I can remember my first day at Nursery School!

Guy 3: Heck that's nuthin', I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother.

Barrio_rat

06-04-03, 04:25 AM

You know you've summered in China when...

thedrifter

06-04-03, 07:48 AM

Warning sign

To Whom It May Concern:

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at a time--unless I install handrails or safety straps.

As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and wait your turn.

Thank You.

thedrifter

06-04-03, 07:48 AM

Sign on the dotted line

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"

Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"

Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."

Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know what to do."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"

Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."

thedrifter

06-04-03, 07:49 AM

Fishing safety

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden...

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him...

"Lets see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."

thedrifter

06-04-03, 07:50 AM

The Deer Hunt

:00 am - Alarm clock rings
2:00 am - Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pick-up
3:00 am - Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am - Back home to pick up gun
3:30 am - Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent
4:00 am - Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
4:30 am - Set up camp
6:05 am - Head for the woods
6:06 am - See eight deer
6:07 am - Take aim and squeeze the trigger
6:08 am - CLICK
8:00 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill
9:00 am - Head back to camp
12:00 NOON - Fire gun for help--eat wild berries
12:15 pm - Run out of bullets--eight deer come back
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 pm - Rescued
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 pm - Arrive back at camp
3:30 pm - Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets
4:01 pm - Load gun--Leave camp again
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp--see deer grazing in camp
6:01 pm - Load gun
6:02 pm - Fire gun
6:03 pm - One dead pick-up
6:05 pm - Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer
6:06 pm - Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
6:07 pm - Fall into fire
6:10 pm - Change clothes--throw burned ones onto fire
6:15 pm - Take pick-up, leave hunting partner and his deer in camp
6:25 pm - Pick-up boils over--hole shot in block
6:26 pm - Start walking
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35 pm - Meet bear
6:36 pm - Take aim
6:37 pm - Fire gun, blow up barrel--plugged with mud
6:38 pm - Mess pants
6:39 pm - Climb tree
9:00 pm - Bear leaves. Wrap *$%!@#$% gun around tree

Midnight - Home at last

thedrifter

06-04-03, 07:50 AM

Real Life

Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half-buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized.

"I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "But I'll give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."

When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.

"Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."

thedrifter

06-04-03, 07:51 AM

Daddy's hammer

A little boy runs into the kitchen, crying.

His mother asks, "Johnny, why are you crying?"

Johnny cries, "Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!"

His mother says, "You shouldn't cry because of that. You should *laugh*!"

Johnny breaks out in tears anew and says, "But I *did*!"

thedrifter

06-04-03, 07:52 AM

Perestroika

In USSR, a boy talking to his grand-father:

Boy: "What is the Perestroika?"

Grand-Father: "You see these two buckets of coal? One is full and the other one is empty."

B: "Yes."

GF: "Well... (he walks to the buckets and drop the coal from the full bucket into the empty one)... This is the Perestroika."

B: "But, this is the same thing."

GF: "Yes, but did you hear the noise?"

thedrifter

06-04-03, 07:52 AM

Disneyworld Hints

Top Ten LEAST Popular Disneyworld Attractions

10. The Audio-Anamatronic Dan Quayle
9. The Hall of 10,000 Razors
8. Slug Rides
7. Mr. Toad's Gut-O-Rama
6. Pluto Gets Fixed
5. The Cuisinart Ride
4. Dumbo's Big Blow Out
3. The Haunted Condo
2. Drug Runners of the Carribean

and the number one LEAST popular Disneyworld attraction:

1. The Country Bear Whoop-Dee-Doo Sit-Around-And-Do-Nothing Borefest

thedrifter

06-04-03, 07:53 AM

Computer service

HOW TO GET BETTER SERVICE ON YOUR MACHINE

Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an opinion as to what is wrong; allow each person the chance to correct the problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be turned.
After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best, but anytime after 4PM is OK.
Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is wrong. Suggestions of how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the serviceman.
Hide the service history log that is found inside the machine. Make several references to the man who was here for the same problem last week.
Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.
The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear that he was to arrive two days ago. Before he can answer, ask him when the machine will be back in service.
The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil and pencil sharpener shavings work well. If the machine has electrical components, add staples and paper clips.
Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the machine before is preferred. Bad breath is a big plus.
Ask again when the machine will be ready for use.
Be sure that the lights are off in the room where the machine is to be repaired. A good serviceman can fix them blindfolded.
Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the serviceman is looking at a schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing.
When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him that the job should be swell, it took long enough.
Try to talk the serviceman down on the bill. Those big companies make too much money anyway.
After the serviceman has gone, call his supervisor and tell him the machine is now worse than it was before. Follow up with a letter and send a copy to the company's home office.
Follow the above rules on every service call, no matter how small the problem is.

Phantom Blooper

06-04-03, 10:33 PM

A little boy was sitting on the street corner playing with a bottle of turpentine. A priest came by and asked him"Son what are you playing with?" The little boy answered,"Turpentine,Father." The priest said,"Son,put that turpentine down,and play with this bottle of holy water from the River Jordan. If you put some holy water on a woman's stomach while she is pregnant and having a baby,she will pass the baby a lot easier." The little boy thought for a minute and said,"Hell,Father if you put some of this turpentine on a cats a$$ he'll pass a motorcycle!":banana:

Phantom Blooper

06-04-03, 10:55 PM

In pharmacology,all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is Acetaminophen,Alleve is Naproxen,Advil is Ibuprophen the list is endless......The FDA is looking at possible names for Viagra,and announced it has settled on Mycoxafloppin. Other names considered were Mycoxafailin,Mydixadrupin,Mydixarizen,Mydixadud, Dixafix and Ibepokin. They are also in the process of developing an aeresol form of Viagra call Fixaflat. :yes:

thedrifter

06-05-03, 07:03 AM

A Walk on the Wild Side

Our secretary heard this during a talent show at a retirement village.

A retirement village decided to hold a Singles Dance, at which this very sweet 90-year-old gentleman met a very sweet 90-year-old lady, and they danced and talked and laughed, and just hit it off great.

They continued to see each other for a while and enjoyed each other so much, and danced so well together, etc., that they decided to get married.

On their wedding night, they went to bed and he reached over and took her hand and squeezed it, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep.

On the second night, when they went to bed, he reached over and squeezed her hand, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep.

On the third night, he reached over and took her hand, and she said, "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache."

thedrifter

06-05-03, 07:04 AM

An example of systems analysis

A social worker, a minister, and a systems analyst set out one day to play a friendly game of golf. At the course, they found a long line waiting to get to the first tee. They asked the party in front of them what the problem was, and were told that a group of blind golfers was on the course ahead of them.

The following conversation ensued:

Social Worker: Isn't it wonderful what handicapped people can do if you just give them half a chance?

Minister: It certainly is, but those golfers aren't on the course alone. The Lord helps those who help themselves.

Systems Analyst: Yeah, it's neat all right, but why the hell can't they play at night?

thedrifter

06-05-03, 07:05 AM

Engine trouble

The plane was flying over African jungle when the engine failed. Its three passengers, one from England, one from Germany and one from France had to jump out of the plane with their parachutes. After a safe landing they started looking for civilisation, but unfortunately fell into the hands of the local cannibals. They were brought in front of the tribe leader. He looked at them and said:

"You again!"

thedrifter

06-05-03, 07:06 AM

Hooks in water

Told to me by my wife, and to her by a colleague.

Two men are talking at work Monday morning.

"What did you do this weekend?"

"Dropped hooks into water."

"Fishing, eh?"

"No, golfing."

thedrifter

06-05-03, 07:07 AM

Bicycles

There was this priest who wanted to "spread the good word" in areas where need was greatest. He thought that the best place to start was in Africa. So off he went.

He went into a deep jungle, and found a tribe. In his haste, he forgot that he would have to teach these people English first. So, he selected what he thought was the smartest of the tribesmen and began his teaching.

They went for long walks in the jungle, first the priest would point to a rock and say, "Rock." And the native would say "bagwundame." And the priest would repeat "Rock," and the native would say "roock." Then priest would point and say "tree," native would say "tree," and so on--Until the native had a minor understanding of English.

It was on one of these "nature walks" that the pair stumbled upon a clearing, and on the other edge of the clearing was a young couple making love.

Well, this embarrassed the priest, and as he turned to leave the tribesman asked, "What they do?"

The priest, being flustered, said, "UUUhhh, why, they're uh, uh, mmm, Fuc.. er no they're scre...*er* mmmaking whoop... cough THEY RIDE BICYCLE!"

He figured, hey, this guy's never gonna see a bicycle anyway...so...

Instantly, the native whips out a blowgun and shoots both lovers dead on the spot. The priest is outraged!

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?? THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING ANY TWO PEOPLE CAN DO!! WHY???" cried the Priest.

The native answered simply, "He ride MY bicycle."

thedrifter

06-05-03, 07:08 AM

Matrimonial Specifications

Looking for a Wife

Hardware Requirements:

Pleasant screen and chassis.
Moderate size disk drives.
Must come with original manufacturer write-protect tab.
Must be easily interconnectable to accessories such as vacuum cleaners, ovens, brooms, washing machines, etc.
Software Requirements:

Compiler for IOHL (International Obedient Housewife Language) basic command subset (e.g. clean, wash, cook, "of course dear").
Single-user mode ONLY.
Very-user-friendly interface.
Word "no" must not appear in /usr/dict/words.

thedrifter

06-05-03, 07:08 AM

Specs for a male

Looking for a Husband

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hardware Requirements:

Pleasant screen and durable chassis.
Hard drive - no floppies!
User definable sex drive.
Must come certified "bug free."
Top-of-the-line joystick.
Software Requirements:

Compiler for IOHL (International Obedient Husband Language) basic command subset (e.g. of_course_dear, yes_I_will_watch_the_kids, just_use_the_credit_card).
Must be easily programmable.
Single-user mode ONLY.
Very-user-friendly interface.

thedrifter

06-05-03, 07:09 AM

Punishments!

A young boy was playing in the backyard when his father saw him stepping on flowers and pulling out plants.

"Just for that," he said, "you don't get anything made out of flour for a week!"

The boy was upset and walked away. A short while later, the father looked through the window and saw the boy hitting butterflies with his tennis racquet in the garden. He went running outside and yelled, "Just for that, you naughty boy, you don't get any butter for one month!"

Later that day, the boy's mother came home in a really bad mood and as soon as she saw a couple of cockroaches in the kitchen, she started stepping on them. The young lad looked up at his father and whispered, "Well, are you going to tell her or will I?"

thedrifter

06-05-03, 07:10 AM

Story of my life

One day, a couple of weeks ago, I was writing in my notebook the lament "Warm beer and cold women, that's the story of my life."

A rather good looking chick sitting next to me noticed what I had written, and replied, "That's really sad. I'll help you out. Come with me after class." Naturally I did, and we went to her room.

It was one of the coldest bottles of Rolling Rock I ever had.

thedrifter

06-05-03, 07:10 AM

What do I look like?

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"

Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Ty-D-Bol® man?" and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"

Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" and again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."

He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"

"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."

"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

thedrifter

06-05-03, 07:11 AM

Ask Dr. Ed

Q: Is it true that you shouldn't use the air-recirculate button on your car's climate control for more than a minute or so? A friend told me that you could die from lack of oxygen if you do.

Editor: Not true. In fact, when the windows are closed recirculating the air is safer than running the fresh-air fan for extended periods-- which can cause the cabin to explode.

Art Petersn

06-05-03, 12:31 PM

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway

seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his

face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty

bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He

opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few

minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say,

Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,

wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your

fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to

his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the

man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to

come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that

the Pope does".

yellowwing

06-05-03, 01:29 PM

A Captain was telling me about his first day on the job as the OOD of 29 Palms. Sure enough an F-4 went down with the crew ejecting safely. He grabs a Corporal and drives him out to the crash site.

"Secure this crash site, and under no circumstances let anyone near!" "Aye-Aye, Sir!" The OOD runs off to find the civilian crash inspector. 20 minutes later the Captian still cannot find the crash inspector.

He drives back out to the crash site to look there. He finds the Corporal with his shotgun pointed at a little old man laying spread eagle on the hot desert floor. "Sir, this civilian was trying to get to the aircraft."

"Stand down Corporal, that's the crash inspector!"

Art Petersn

06-05-03, 02:13 PM

Democrats and Republicans

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude
and
spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it's MY fault.

kubba

06-05-03, 05:14 PM

Does anyone know the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Well I will tell you. Beer Nuts go for around $2.29 a pound and Deer Nuts are under a buck .
Semper FI
Stan:banana: :banana:

Art Petersn

06-05-03, 09:12 PM

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to
the mailbox.

She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and
peered inside, and slammed it shut a second time.
Angrily, back into the house she went

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again,
marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it
closed harder than
ever, almost knocking the box off its post.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(are you ready? ... this is a beauty... )

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

thedrifter

06-06-03, 07:31 AM

From Scotland

Tourist to Taxi driver: "How much is it to the Airport?"

Taxi driver: "That's five pounds twenty."

Tourist: "And how much is it for the luggage?"

Taxi driver: "The luggage, of course, is free."

Tourist: "All right, just take that stuff along. I'm walking."

thedrifter

06-06-03, 07:32 AM

One fine evening in Aberdeen...

Red Adair walked into an Aberdonian pub after two weeks spent putting out a fire in a North Sea oil well. He ordered a pint of heavy and found a table. The man sitting next to him immediately noticed that this rugged-looking elderly fellow was indeed an American and said:

"I've been to the States myself, you know. I went there last year."

"Oh really..." our oil rig hero said in a rather tired voice.

"Aye, I spent a month in California. One night I went to a concert with a famous country singer called Benny Rogers, and..."

"Surely you must mean KENNY Rogers," Red said, looking at the ceiling.

"Aye, that's right. Anyway, he sang a duet with a bonnie lass called Polly Darton."

"It's DOLLY PARTON, not Polly Darton." Red was not in the friendliest of moods now.

The Scot realized that he was making a fool of himself and tried a change of topic:

"Haven't I seen you on TV? You're quite famous, aren't you?"

This made old Red cheer up:

"Indeed you have. I'm Red Adair!" he said with a grin.

"Red Adair?! The REAL Red Adair? So, are you still married to Ginger Rogers?"

thedrifter

06-06-03, 07:32 AM

The Truth about Contract Bidding

Bidding - Additional Requirements

Section 1A - The Truth
The requirements of Division 01 and of those documents under bidding requirements and conditions of the contract and anything else we don't think looks good here is null and void. If you know what's good for you, you'd read this real close (meaning the contractor).

1.1 The work we did is clearly showed in the attached plans and specifications. Our engineer, whose had plenty of college, spent one hell of a lot of time when he drawed up these here plans and specifications, but nobody can think of everything.

Once your bid is in - that's it, brother. From then on, anything wanted by our engineer, or any of his friends, or anybody else (except the contractor) shall be considered as showed, specified or implied and shall be provided by the contractor without no expense to nobody, but himself (meaning the contractor).

1.2 If the work is did without no expense to the contractor, then the work will be took down and did again until the extra expense to the contractor is satisfactory to our engineer.

1.3 Our engineer's plans is right as drawed. If sumthin is drawed wrong, it shall be discovered by the contractor, corrected, and did right at no extra expense to us. It won't cut no ice with us or our engineer if you point out any mistakes our engineer has drawed. If you do, it will be one hell of a long time before you do any more work for us or him (meaning the engineer).

1.4 The contractor is not supposed to make fun of our engineer, his plans, or the kind of work we're having did. If he does, it's just too bad for him (meaning the contractor).

1.5 Any contractor walking around the jobs with a smile on his face is subject to the review of his bid.

1.6 If the contractor don't find all our engineer's mistakes before he bids the job, or if the contractor ain't got enough sense to know that our engineer is going to think up a bunch of new stuff that's going to have to be did before the job is complete, then it's just too bad for him (meaning the contractor).

END OF SECTION

thedrifter

06-06-03, 07:33 AM

Four Headlines on the day the world ends

God decided He was finally fed up with the human race and decided to end it for good. He called up a reporter at the New York Times to tell him the news: The world would end the day after tomorrow.

The reporter tried to talk God out of it, but God was firm and wouldn't be swayed. The reporter then asked if he had an exclusive. God said that He was going to call three other newspapers.

Headlines the next day:

The New York Times: "God says world to end tomorrow; story and analysis on page B11."

The Wall Street Journal: "God says world to end tomorrow; market to close early"

USA Today: "IT'S OVER!"

The Washington Post: "God says world to end tomorrow; women and minorities hardest hit."

thedrifter

06-06-03, 07:34 AM

Vee Know Vere You Live

It seems that all of those secret police guys in East Germany won't be jobless for long. Most of the field agents have been snapped up by cab companies, since they know their areas so well, and the desk workers have been hired as dispatchers. The neat thing about the new dispatchers is that all they need is the name of the customer and they can give the cabbies the address

thedrifter

06-06-03, 07:34 AM

Ads Create History In the Making

Advertising Age's Lenore Skenazy asked readers to come up with imaginary ads "to brazenly exploit a solemn site," such as the recent rash of ads featuring the Berlin Wall. An excerpt:

The Washington Monument is the setting. The line: "Don't be the father of your country. Trojan condoms."
Russians filing by Lenin's tomb are shown. The line: "Liked our leader? You'll love Vlasic dills. They're pickled in glass, too!"
A man standing near the eternal flame at JFK's grave lights a cigarette. The line: "Bic. Only one flame lasts longer."
The setting is a manger in Bethlehem, with a radiant glow around the baby's cradle. The line, as said by Mary (looking upward): "I said a Bud Light."

thedrifter

06-06-03, 07:35 AM

Divine creation

A famous film director, having died of late, arrives at the Pearly Gates. He is greeted by St. Peter, who is delighted to see him.

Peter: "Great! We were waiting for you! God's making a movie, and we need a director."

Director: "No, no, no! I am done! I have been directing for thirty years, and I want to rest. Eternally. Get someone else."

Peter: "But you don't understand. We have a script by Shakespeare."

Dir: "Sounds great...I'll see it opening night. I won't do it."

Peter: "Our set design is a collaborative effort between Leonardo DaVinci and M.C. Escher."

Dir: "Well, I really do need some time off. Maybe next time."

Peter: "It's a Bach score! C'mon, you've gotta do it!"

Dir: "You tempt me, Peter...."

Peter: "Here's the clincher: You've got an open budget, a tech crew known for getting stuff in early, and all the audition material you could dream of."

Dir: "Okay, okay. I'll do it. Where's the stage manager?"

Peter: "Over there. But first, there is something I have to tell you. You see, God's got a girlfriend, like, and she sings...."

thedrifter

06-06-03, 07:36 AM

Re: Speech in Japan

A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said. Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said. Still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.

However, he was interrupted by the chairman of the conference: "No no, sir. You must not applaud!"

Dumbfounded he protested: "But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."

"No sir, you must not applaud, he is translating your speech."

thedrifter

06-06-03, 07:37 AM

Tabloid ad parody

ADVERTISEMENT ADVERTISEMENT ADVERTISEMENT

AMAZING SECRET
Hi! My name is David Danzig! Not long ago, I was penniless! I had no friends! I had nothing to live for! I had climbed to the roof of a very tall building in scenic downtown Philadelphia, and was about to do myself in, when I discovered the AMAZING SECRET that CHANGED MY LIFE!!

MONEY! FAME! HAPPINESS!!!!!
Today, I am one of the world's richest men! I am internationally celebrated as one of the world's most popular human beings! I live an exciting, fulfilling life, AND ALL BECAUSE OF MY AMAZING SECRET!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT IS THIS SECRET?
Just what is this amazing secret? I swore to myself that I would never reveal the source of my INCREDIBLE SECRET, but I can share the secret with you. Since I am so FANTASTICALLY rich, I can give you my WONDERFUL secret ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY?
Why would I make this offer? When you see how REMARKABLE and AMAZING this FREE secret is, I am confident that you will feel indebted to me, and volunteer gifts! If not, then keep the secret with no obligation! It's that easy!!! You have NOTHING to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST LOOK WHAT PEOPLE HAVE WRITTEN

ABOUT THIS AMAZING SECRET!
Just look what people have written about this AMAZING secret!

AMAZED AND ASTOUNDED
I am AMAZED and ASTOUNDED by your secret! --John P., Philadelphia, PA

INCREDIBLE
Your secret is simply INCREDIBLE! --Roger S., Durham, NC

TURNED LIFE AROUND
Your AMAZING secret TURNED MY LIFE AROUND!!!! --Bryan S., Berkeley, CA

SHOULD BE ILLEGAL
Your secret is so AMAZING and ASTOUNDING, why, it OUGHT TO BE ILLEGAL to be as well off as I am. I'm RECOMMENDING your FABULOUS secret to everyone I know. --Stella J., Ithaca, NY

IS ILLEGAL
The results of our INVESTIGATION have determined that your activities ARE ILLEGAL. Your secret is WORTHLESS, and your advertisements constitute FRAUD. --Jason P., Postal Inspector's Office, Washington, D.C.

CRIMINAL CHARGES PRESSED
CRIMINAL CHARGES will be PRESSED against you under Pennsylvania Statute 417.02. You are ordered to appear with counsel on February 17. --Albert R., State Attorney General's Office, Harrisburg, PA

WHERE DO I SIGN?
To order this EXCITING, FREE 20 page booklet about this ASTOUNDING secret, simply send this coupon with $19.95 to defray postage and handling to:

David Danzig #204941
Box 244
Graterford, PA 19426

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[] YES, I MUST know this AMAZING secret! PLEASE send me ___ copies of your FREE booklet. Enclosed is $19.95 per copy for P&H!!! I can't wait until I get it! I hope it comes SOON, but I KNOW that I MUST allow THREE to SIX weeks for delivery! I hereby WAIVE any RIGHTS to LEGAL RECOURSE that I may have! I give my WARMEST PERSONAL REGARDS to MR. DANZIG and to his FAMILY AND FRIENDS, and VOICE my DESIRE to someday be one of those friends.

NAME:
ADDRESS:
CITY:
STATE:
ZIP:

thedrifter

06-06-03, 07:38 AM

Quality fruit

A woman goes into a greengrocer and is looking round anxiously at a pile of oranges.

"Can I help you madam?" asks the shopkeeper.

"Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband. Have these oranges been treated with any poisonous fertilizer or weedkiller?" she replies.

"No madam, you'll have to get that from the chemist's."

thedrifter

06-06-03, 07:39 AM

Sleeping around

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?"

"Don't miss me, mister."

"Well then, you better make it 13."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A traveling salesman walks into a bar and sees a farmer. "Can you give me a place to spend the night?" he asks.

"You can sleep in the barn, says the farmer, but whatever you do, don't disturb my chicken."

The salesman thanks him and pulls a duck out of his pocket, which immediately sits down and starts playing the piano.

"We don't allow any farm animals in here," says the bartender.

"Do you have any matches?" asks the salesman. "Sure," says the bartender.

"Good," says the salesman, "now I can find the Mac truck and drive out."

Doing so, the salesman takes the farmer home, and goes to the barn. Once there he sees this nest full of rice, which, for no good reason, he proceeds to eat. The next day, he sees the farmer's daughter (who is naturally stark naked), and compliments her on the rice.

"Oh that wasn't rice," says the naked farm girl. My father's chicken died two weeks ago. Those were maggots. Would you like some hot buttered corn?"

"No," says the salesman, "But I'd like some of those cheerios you're eating."

"Oh, these aren't Cheerios," says the farm girl, "These are..."

"Never mind!" says the salesman, and begins to leave.

"Where are you going?" says the farmgirl.

"I'm going to get to the other side," says the salesman.

"Careful," says the farm girl. "That's how our chicken died. Please stay and have some mung!"

"What's mung?" asks the salesman.

"It's a long story, " she replies.

- Franz Kafka

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?" and the bum replies, "Well, I am." The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"

thedrifter

06-06-03, 07:40 AM

Forgetfulness

An older lady gets undressed and starts to get into the bathtub. She gets about halfway into the tub and thinks, ``Was I getting into the tub or getting out?'' She calls out, ``Bernice! Was I getting into the bathtub or getting out?''

Bernice says, ``Well I don't know. I'll have to come up and look.'' Bernice starts walking up the stairs to the bathroom, gets halfway up and thinks to herself, ``Was I going up the stairs or down?'' She calls out ``Sally! Was I going up or down the stairs?''

Sally, down in the living room calls back, ``How should I know?'' and thinks to herself, ``I'm glad I'm not losing my mind like the other people in this house.''

So Sally starts...

Do you remember the punchline to this joke?

DanBO

06-06-03, 09:10 AM

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits,
the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll
have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.

"What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress
returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches
into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll
have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the
same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The
usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a
steak, baked potato and salad," says the ma! n. "Same for me," says the
ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will
be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my
hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce! , the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The wait ress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The
man replies,

"My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

"Semper Fi Mac"

yellowwing

06-06-03, 10:35 AM

...More Headlines on the day the world ends...

National Enquirer: "Nostradamus was Right! Fate of Elvis Still Unkown"

Winnipeg Free Press: "Cold Snap Ending Tomorrow!"

Stars and Stripes: "World to End! Generals Go on Record Breaking Spending Spree!"

Leatherneck: "God Calls Up Emergency Reserves for Streets of Heaven! Record Admissions Expected"

Art Petersn

06-06-03, 11:15 AM

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers".

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"

wrbones

06-07-03, 12:49 AM

A married man had only one complaint: his wife was always
nursing sick birds. One February evening, he came home to
find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his
favorite chair. On the dining room table, instead of
dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin.
In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little
wren she found out in the snow.

The furious husband strode over to where his wife was
toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any
more! We've got to get rid of all of these #(@ birds!"

The wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid-sentence.
"Please, Dear, no cuss words in front of the chilled
wren."

Barrio_rat

06-07-03, 02:55 AM

Genuine Psychology Test

This is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him there but never asked for his number and could not find him A few days later the girl killed her own sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister ?

Give this some thought for a while before you scroll down. Don't cheat and be as honest as possible.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly. If you didn't answer correctly - good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list......unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on....

Barrio_rat

06-07-03, 02:58 AM

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger,"

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

Barrio_rat

06-07-03, 03:01 AM

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the oven while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Barrio_rat

06-07-03, 03:04 AM

Homeopathic Remedies!

Helpful Hint #1:
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Helpful Hint #2:
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away!

Helpful Hint #3:
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Helpful Hint #4:
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Helpful Hint #5:
An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.

Helpful Hint #6:
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply ****ing in the sink.

Helpful Hint #7:
High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Helpful Hint #8:
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Helpful Hint #9:
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Barrio_rat

06-07-03, 03:11 AM

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body! ," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.!

`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne

```````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

``````````
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" --George Bush, US President

``````````````````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

```````````
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

`````````````````````````````````````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

`````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

``````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

```````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

marinemom

06-07-03, 08:06 AM

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.

No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

Art Petersn

06-07-03, 09:11 AM

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to
make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought
some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the
scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came
walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and
said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw
them.
Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to
enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde,
wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she
nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father"
and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute
young lady."yes Father

"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did
you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela" she replied.

thedrifter

06-07-03, 09:21 AM

Male bathroom rules

A GUIDE TO PROPER ETIQUETTE IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names. As with any exclusive organization, wholy half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:
1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissable after checking to see nobody else is around.

3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Graffiti rules:
5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.

6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.

7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restrain comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.

8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.

9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.

10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules:
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:

X...... (X == occupied, . == empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.

13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.

14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Toilet rules:
15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.

16. Always flush.

17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases:
18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females. a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning. b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for. c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presense until you're dressed again.

19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.

20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.

thedrifter

06-07-03, 09:21 AM

Making amends for IRS sins

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00.

If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.

thedrifter

06-07-03, 09:23 AM

Mighty Texans

A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."

"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.

"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"

thedrifter

06-07-03, 09:24 AM

Better Sex

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:

1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!

2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?

1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!

So the second old man rushed to the store.

Clerk: May I help you?

Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.

Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!

Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?

thedrifter

06-07-03, 09:25 AM

I Wish

The bride-to-be and her best friend were discussing the former's impending wedding.

"If you want an unforgettable wedding night," her friend said, "get him to eat a dozen oysters after the ceremony."

A week after, the new bride thanked her friend but said plaintively, "Only eight of the oysters worked."

thedrifter

06-07-03, 09:27 AM

British Car Humor

An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.

"Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.

"Well, do you have a fax machine?"

The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too."

"Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know.

Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto.

A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver.

The Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

thedrifter

06-07-03, 09:28 AM

Time share holiday advert

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT, IN FACT URGENT, IN FACT VITAL MESSAGE FROM GLOBSQUIRTLE TIMESHARE RIPOFFS INC!!! SO URGENT THAT WE HAVE KIDNAPPED THE POSTMAN'S GRANNY AND WILL BE PULLING HER TOENAILS OUT UNLESS HE DELIVERS THIS LETTER PRETTY DAMN QUICKLY!!! YES!!! YOU HAVE ALREADY WON ONE OF THE FOLLOWING PRIZES!!!

Solid gold Rolls Royce with built in wine cellar, swimming pool and radio telescope.
Ten zillion pounds in used notes.
A lifetime's supply of Plutonium (or a year's, whichever is longer) and as much custard as you can eat.
Belgium.
Twenty paintings by Van Gogh, showing a bearded loony with one ear. Oh, in fact that's HIM, sorry.
Manuscript of an unknown Wagner opera, "The Gods strike back" which was supposed to come after the other ones. It turns out that Siegfried isn't really dead and Wotan claims on the Insurance for Valhalla. Also the deeds of Bayreuth Opera house so that you can get the thing performed.
A dozen Stradivarius violins.
A piece of slightly used chewing gum.
APPLY NOW TO CLAIM YOUR FREE GIFT!!! OBVIOUSLY WE CAN'T TELL YOU YET WHICH ONE YOU HAVE WON, BUT YOU ARE GUARANTEED TO WIN ONE OF THE ABOVE GIFTS, WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED (EXCEPT IN THE CASE OF (7) OF COURSE) [joke]

WHAT WAS THAT? TALK IN LOWER CASE?

Oh all right, doesn't look as good though, does it?

Anyway, to claim the free gift, all you have to do is turn up at a presentation on Wednesday evening next week, where our salesmen will try and talk you into buying a ludicrously overpriced timeshare on a holiday tent in the Gobi desert.

Isn't that what you've always wanted? You too can spend the first two weeks of February dying of thirst EVERY YEAR!!!

But there is no compulsion to buy of course, and it is certainly not true that those who don't buy get beaten up. Well not necessarily.

BY the way, if you ARE going to be out next Wednesday, please leave a window open and turn off burglar alarms, give the dog a sleeping pill, etc. Our sister company Globsquirtle Burglaries Inc. may be sending a salesman round...

See you on Wednesday...

thedrifter

06-07-03, 09:29 AM

Hello, Sailor

The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young, tyro naval student. "What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?"

"I'd throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"I'd throw out another anchor, sir."

"But what if a third storm sprang up forward?"

"I'd throw out another anchor, captain."

"Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?"

"From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir."

(Now, that's a BRAVE sailor....)

thedrifter

06-07-03, 09:30 AM

Medical Jokes

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

Art Petersn

06-07-03, 02:12 PM

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said
to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't
say she was crazy, I said she's f!!!king Goofy."
_________________________________________________
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind
him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,
"Lie to me! Lie to me!"

VietVet'sWife

06-07-03, 02:35 PM

3 Southern ladies are all wanting to take a trip to New York. They decide to work & save all there monies so as to be able to take the trip. After 6 weeks of working they decide to pool all the money & buy a round trip ticket to New York. They find that they opnly have enough to buy one ticket, so they draw straws to decide who goes.
After the trip, the young lady has returned and begins to tell her girlfriends all about New York city.
(in a southern acent) she says in New York, they have men that kiss on men. They call them gay. (lady #2) What else do they have in New York? In New York, they has ladies that kiss on laadies. What do they call them? They call them lesbians. (lady # 3 ) Well, what else do they have in New York? Well, in New York, they have men that like to kiss a ladies privates!! Well....what do they call them. (lady #1) I don't know, but when he got done, I called him precious!:o

Barrio_rat

06-08-03, 02:26 AM

So true

Why math is taught in school

by: A Very Wise Man

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? I think not

Barrio_rat

06-08-03, 02:32 AM

Jokes you could tell in church...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

===============

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

===============

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to! her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

===============

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

===============

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her hand written instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

===============

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

===============

A Sunday school teacher asked t he children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

===============

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

===============

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

===============

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and ! said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

===============

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."

Barrio_rat

06-08-03, 02:38 AM

For the "gangsta" on your Christmas list!

thedrifter

06-08-03, 09:19 AM

Comparing husbands and wives..

Overheard in a small gathering at a pub...

A man asks: What's the difference between your wife and your girlfriend?

Answer: 60 pounds!

A woman counters with: What's the difference between your husband and your boyfriend?

Answer: 60 minutes!

thedrifter

06-08-03, 09:20 AM

Kludge's solutions to major world problems

1. How to get rid of nuclear waste:
Sending nuclear waste into the sun is expensive, because of the amount of energy expended in getting it out of Earth's gravity well, which is most probably more energy than was obtained from the fuel in the first place. The best way to get rid of nuclear waste is to put it on the government surplus list. People will bid on anything if they think they are getting a good deal. And as for the damage it will cause, frankly do you really care what happens to people stupid enough to buy something that is clearly marked "Hazardous Nuclear Waste?"

2. How to fund private space concerns:
This is a twofold problem: first the difficulty with Congress, and second the lack of funding. Both these problems can be solved in one simple manner. Make slavery legal again. All the work on the Constitution has already been done; you merely need repeal the Emancipation Proclamation. Now, since congressmen are property of the government, put them up for auction. I know I'd like to buy Gore or Helms and have them doing some heavy, dangerous construction work for me, and I am sure many others would as well. Then, just send the money into space.

3. How to solve net bandwidth problems:
Make network TV illegal. Since everybody has cable anyway, this wouldn't have a severe impact in most areas. Give half the bandwidth to the ham radio operators, then use the rest to establish a nationwide packet radio network for carrying the alt groups.

4. How to fix the hole in the ozone layer:
Since open-air electric arcs generate ozone, simply replace all the outdoor sodium and mercury vapor lamps with carbon arcs. This will have the side benefit of making our cities much brighter, as well as generating extra revenue for the power companies. Enough ozone will be generated to surround most cities with a layer of ozone thick enough to block out UV radiation, preventing skin cancer except among those who go out at night under the bright arc lamps. But since only muggers and rapists go out at night in big cities, it's okay. This will reduce the crime problem as well.

5. How to fix the drug problem:
Make drugs legal, then make them a state monopoly controlled by the DEA. Once the government starts running it, the huge profits will quickly disappear and it will no longer be lucrative for anyone. The alternative of course is to let the Grateful Dead control it, and then it will be free for everybody and the quality will be much higher.

6. How to fix the mideast crisis:
Have the Pope convert all the Jews and Arabs so that they are all Catholic. This can be done by applying mapcar to the convert operator across all Jews and Arabs. If required, low flying aircraft spraying holy water may be employed. Now once everybody is Catholic, they can all go home and have a nice cup of tea together. The side effect is that this might cause the area to become like Northern Ireland if the operator is not properly applied.

7. How to fix the crisis in education:
Since students in the past few years have been doing more poorly on standardized tests, the tests should be made easier so that students can do better. Also, all standardized tests should be in English so that we can prove how much better our students are than the Japanese. Colleges should be forced to have more programs like Business and Education which don't require the students to think very hard, so that we can have more college graduates. A college degree is a right, not a privilege.

8. How to fix the space shuttle:
Let Pete's Auto Repair take it over. Pete can find the tiniest leaks in seconds, and fix anything with gaffer tape and sheet steel. I swear that if anything is broken, Pete can fix it.

9. On the issue of Lithuanian separatism:
Annex Lithuania as a part of the United States, and in exchange give Alabama to the Soviet Union. This will make the Lithuanians happy to be in a democratic state, the Soviets happy because they will have an Alabama to go with their Georgia, and the United States happy because they will get a foreign market for hog jowls.

10. Disarmament:
Since the Soviet Union and the United States are now at peace, they won't need any of those nasty nuclear weapons anymore. The missiles can be used for valuable space payloads, and the warheads can be sold as surplus to third world nations like Northern Ireland, Libya, Israel, Egypt, and Yemen, who could actually get some use out of them. Since you can only use a nuclear bomb once, it seems a shame to let it sit on the shelf and become obsolete. Also this would generate extra revenue to help in the savings and loan bailout.

thedrifter

06-08-03, 09:20 AM

Back when I was in college...

A physics professor was very strict about attendance, and despised tardiness. Every student caught arriving to class late (especially those interrupting his lecture) was quickly reprimanded in front of the whole class. Students were quick to comment on the professor's genetics. Well, one day a student entered through the front doors of the lecture hall, while the prof was writing notes on the chalkboard. The professor caught the student out of the corner of his eye (this acute sense of peripheral vision, further supported the rumours of his evolution), and turned to face the student. He demanded, "What do you think you're doing?" Being a science student, one naturally thinks quickly, so the student snapped up and replied, "I came down from the back to get a better look at the board." The prof smiled.

Back in those days, it was required that in order for a student to receive credit for a particular course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly. Not so, with this physics professor...if he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course (& attend!). On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card. Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar. OK," and signed the card.

thedrifter

06-08-03, 09:21 AM

Stay in control

An virginal young lady (Let's call her Madonna) goes to visit her girl friend in the clinic, who has just given birth to her first child. During the course of their conversation, Madonna mentions the fact that while she too would like to have a baby, she didn't exactly know how to proceed. The young mother is very helpful, and fills out an itemized list on the how-tos of becoming pregnant:

Get all dressed up in the slinkiest dress you can find
Go to (substitute your favorite nightclub)
etc...
Madonna scrupulously follows her friend's instructions, and sure enough, finds herself guided into the men's room at the nightclub. Her only problem is that the young man is a safe sex advocate and uses a rubber to consummate the act, and she being inexperienced is unaware of this obstacle. Once consummated he takes off the rubber and flushes it down the toilet.

Madonna: Gee honey, what do yo want to call our child?

Young man: (looks at the toilet, and then adresses Madonna) Well, if he gets out of this one, we'd better call him McGuyver...

thedrifter

06-08-03, 09:23 AM

What is 1 + 2 ?

Question: What is 1 + 2 ?

Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.

Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

thedrifter

06-08-03, 09:25 AM

Commercial for detergent/contraceptive

[Scene of two women sitting in a kitchen arguing.]

Woman One: "It's a detergent."

Woman Two: "It's a contraceptive."

Woman One: "It's a detergent."

Woman Two: "It's a contraceptive."

Woman One: "It's a detergent."

Woman Two: "It's a contraceptive."

Anouncer: "Your both right! New Earstide is both a detergent AND a contraceptive!

[Scene changes to faceless woman doing laundry. Before and after scenes show clothes coming out of the wash spotless.]

"Earstide can get even the toughest stains out! Look how it completely removes dried in food stains, grass stains, caked in mud, and even blood stains."

[Charts are now shown.]

"But that's not all! Earstide has also shown to be 95 percent effective contraceptive. How can Earstide do all these great things? Because Earstide is made from real protein, and protein gets out protein!"

[Scene goes back to kitchen with same two women.]

Woman One: "Gee, I'd prefer Earstide to filling my body with hormones."

Woman Two: "And it gets the sheets so clean..."

thedrifter

06-08-03, 09:27 AM

You can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves

I am reminded...

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

thedrifter

06-08-03, 09:28 AM

Comparing notes

Two old men are comparing their sex lives:

Man 1: I can still do it twice!

Man 2: Which time do you enjoy the most?

Man 1: I think the winter.

thedrifter

06-08-03, 09:28 AM

Home, sweet home

Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game. And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.

Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?

Bob: Darts?

Bill: Nah.

Bob: Shoot some pool?

Bill: Nah.

Bob: Cards?

Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around with my wife.

Bob: Whadaya mean?

Bill: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around with my wife.

Bob: What about me?

Bill: She's a sport. She won't mind at all.

Bob: Well... if you think it's okay...

Bill: Sure. C'mon, let's go!

<at Bill's house>

Bill: Honey, I'm home. Honey. SWEETHEART! Damn! She musta gone shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to YOUR house!

thedrifter

06-08-03, 09:30 AM

3 for Congress

1) Bumper Sticker: Congress Happens

2) What do you give to a congressman who has everything?

An investigation!

3) What is a congressman's favorite color?

Plaid

thedrifter

06-08-03, 09:30 AM

Nun

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day... when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.

She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.

The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what they were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."

wrbones

06-08-03, 02:52 PM

.

A married man had only one complaint: his wife was always
nursing sick birds. One February evening, he came home to
find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his
favorite chair. On the dining room table, instead of
dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin.
In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little
wren she found out in the snow.

The furious husband strode over to where his wife was
toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any
more! We've got to get rid of all of these #(@ birds!"

The wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid-sentence.
"Please, Dear, no cuss words in front of the chilled
wren."

thedrifter

06-09-03, 07:39 AM

Watch where you sit!

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the frozen seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

thedrifter

06-09-03, 07:40 AM

Bedroom golf

The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.

Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole while keeping the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.

Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.

Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.

If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play.

It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.

Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.

It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.

thedrifter

06-09-03, 07:41 AM

Letter to the fantasy column

Here's an original spoof on porn letters.

I am an avid reader of the fantasy column and I had always hoped that I had an experience of my own that I could share with the fellow perverts. I am glad to say that my dream came true recently. Last month, I was on my way to Seattle to attend a computer conference when my plane got delayed indefinitely at Chicago's O'Hare airport. I was in the horns of a dilemma: I could either call home and talk to my wife about watering the plants I had hitherto kept secretly under our bed or I could call my girlfriend and make plans for the weekend. Neither prospect was very appealing. Finally, I decided to buy a copy of "IQ Pervert" and spend my time reading the fantasy column.

I had just read the fantasy of an author, whose name and address had been withheld, when I found myself grunting uncontrollably, much to my own embarrassment. "Reading the fantasy column?" a husky voice enquired, and I found that I had been sitting next to a nerdish blonde all along without noticing. She, however, noticed my embarrassment and removed the shawl which she had spread across her lap and revealed her own copy of "IQ Pervert" lying underneath. On the cover were a couple of Russians, stripped to their waist and playing chess. My embarrassment turned to delight at the prospect of having something going with a fellow pervert, not to mention a hot nerd.

We started talking about this and that and suddenly we found ourselves discussing the contents of the fantasy column. "Did you read the one by the young exec who fantasizes about reading Proust with his boss's wife when the boss is away on business?" she asked. "You just caught me reading it," I replied with a sly grin. As the conversation went on, I found myself turned on like never before. The blonde must have sensed it, for she suddenly stood up and removed her winter jacket to reveal a Harvard Poetry Club sweat shirt. She sat down and when she looked at me, the invitation in her eyes was unmistakable. The sight of her perfectly shaped Harvard emblem made me perspire and my heart started pounding in anticipation. "Is there some place in the airport with a smaller population density where we can go and talk Byron?" I said with a wink and the blonde took the cue.

She took me to the dimly-lit airport restaurant and as we waited for our cocktails, she leaned towards me and started reciting Yeats in a husky voice. Soon I was flushing and when she stopped to catch her breath, I was growling, "Don't stop, baby, keep going." But then she was in total control. She'd tease me with a few verses and just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, she'd stop and let me deflate and start all over again. It was crazy. I had never been out with a nerd before who could handle Yeats so adroitly.

But this was just the beginning. As soon as we finished our respective cocktails, she took out a paperback edition of Liz Browning from her purse and in a caressing voice, started on a random verse. This time, the pleasure was too much for me to handle and I was sweating profusely, not to mention the guttural noise of appreciation I was producing. A couple of senior citizens sitting in the table next to us were clearly disgusted that people would actually do Browning in broad day light in a public place, but I was past caring. When she was done with Liz, I put my hand under the table, took out my own small paperback from my briefcase and whispered, "Have you ever done Fitzgerald in a restaurant?" She was clearly taken aback. "I'm not kinky, you know," she said and I was worried that I had crossed a line somewhere. But the smile was soon back in her eyes and to my ultimate joy, she did two whole pages, in a slow rhythm. Just as she was finishing up, a couple of college co-eds walked in and were about to sit next to us. But when they saw me, the blonde and my copy of "IQ Pervert" on the table, they moved over to another table with knowing smiles. We were done soon after that and just as we were leaving the restaurant, I heard my flight being announced. I had just enough time to go to the washroom, straighten my tie and board my plane and in my hurry, I forgot to ask the nerdish blonde her name. Maybe I'll see her in a ski resort in Colorado next winter. Meanwhile, I am always going to be carrying an issue of "IQ Pervert" with me, in case I meet another pervert unexpectedly.

(Name and address withheld)

thedrifter

06-09-03, 07:42 AM

Breast Fixation

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

thedrifter

06-09-03, 07:43 AM

Size not important?

Two older ladies were swimming in the pool at a Miami hotel. One of the ladies was about to get out of the pool and the first lady asked if she would bring her a cigarette when she came back.

"That's no problem, dear." And pulling a condom from her halter, untied the knot and revealed several cigarettes and some matches.

"That's clever. What do you call it?"

"Why, it's a condom, dear. You can get them at the drug store."

Later that day, the lady went into the drug store and asked the druggist for some condoms. The druggist looked at the packages of various quantities and asked the lady what size she wanted.

"Oh, big enough for a king sized Camel!"

thedrifter

06-09-03, 07:45 AM

The One-Liner File Annual, Nov 90

Paraphrased from "Global Village News" from Nickelodeon:

The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heard on WEEI Boston today:

"[A recent survey finds that] 15-to-19-year-olds now have fewer sexual partners than they did ten years ago."

And you thought they were playing doctors and nurses.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That money talks, I'll not deny. I heard it once. It said, "good-bye."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How did the computer scientist die in the shower?

He read the directions on the shampoo: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Think of how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the merger between Honeywell and Fairchild? The new company will be known as: Fairwell Honeychild

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[This is original.]

There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane." If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many ancient Greek mathematicians does it take to replace a light-bulb?

A: Infinitely many! The first does half the job, the next a quarter, the third does one-eighth etc.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's a polar bear?

A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dumb Q: When the heck is Spring break?

Dumb A: Spring break is the time of the year when half the nation's coeds are in two pieces.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From the X-windows xwud(1) man-page...

This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jeff Marder told this one on Fox's "Comic Strip Live," 3/10/90:

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other hand?"

"One HELL of a moth!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy--in a jar on my desk."

-- Stephen King, 3/8/90

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The tri stages of sex in marriage--

Tri-weekly
Try-weekly
Try-weakly

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heard on Leno's monologue a few weeks ago:

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Several people on the BITNET RELAY system one night decided that Digital needs to add a new command to VAX/VMS:

$ SET TIME/DAY=FRIDAY/DATE=BLONDE

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota? Anemic.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If people ate what they killed, there would be NO MORE WARS!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reichel's Law:

A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an outside force. (Carol Reichel)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The price of political assassinations in Eastern Europe has dropped by a factor of two in recent weeks.

It seems the KGB is going out of business, so they're having a liquidation sale.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heard during Will Durst's routine at Catch a Rising Star...

What's the difference between a brown-noser and a ****head?

Depth perception.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does the new movie rating "NC-17" stand for?

A: Not in Cincinnati or within 17 miles thereof.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I clipped this Frank and Ernest comic out of the paper about a year ago:

Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. "Ever since they threatened to fire me," Frank replied.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The doctoral candidate's creed ...

Death before dissertation.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!"--Harry Skelton (harry@usrgrp)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call it when someone rubs a Volkswagen van on your head?

A. A Fahrvergnoogie.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master merely stays out of the way.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A skeleton in the saloon: "One beer and one towel, please !"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Definition of sloppy

sloppy: /'slopi/,

a) adj, -pier, -piest, 1. muddy, slushy or very wet. 2. week, silly or maudlin. 3. loose, careless or slovenly.

b) noun, colloq, -s, student living of parents, pre-yuppie stage. ---- It's much more descriptive than YUPPY, DINKY et.al. [part of the definition is lifted from `The Macquarie']

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Definition:-

Spoonerism: Having wrubble with your turds.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Make WAR not SEX,

it's safer!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cut here" note from a recent Usenet posting
- - - if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor - - -

(source code appeared next)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many animals are inside a lady's pantyhose?

A: Fourteen. Ten little piggies, two calves, a beaver, and a dead fish you never can seem to find!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Answering machine message [original]

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Recently on an Atlanta radio station, they were playing one of their "mock commercials" they dream up.

The slogan was: "The Stealth Condom--they'll never see you coming."

[Ed: From March 11, long before a company decided to make these and got sued by Northrup]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[ From "On the Nature of Mathematical Proofs," Joel Cohen ]

Theorem: Every horse has an infinite number of legs.

Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have forelegs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. The only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A cartoon in Thrust magazine by Teddy Harvia: The scene depicts two robots. One robot is lying supine on a couch and the second robot is sitting on a chair facing the couch. The second robot is grasping a notebook and pencil and is saying, "When did you first realize you hated your manufacturer?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heard at a campus comedy competition:

I'm not saying my sister was a loose girl in high school, but they put her picture in the yearbook sideways...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

06-09-03, 07:45 AM

Liquid soap

Two little old ladies who have a very weak eyesight go shopping one day. After shopping a while, they decide to go to the rest room. Mistakenly, they walk into the men's room instead of the ladies room. Two men who are equally desperate to take a leak are standing on the urinals and about to begin.

The two ladies walk in and the men not knowing what else to do, put their backs against the wall and pretend that they are part of the rest-room fixtures.

The first lady, mistaking one of the men for the sink, walks up to him and pulls his penis a couple of times. The man looses control and lets go. She then turns to the other one and says, "Oh, My... you should try this one. It has warm water!"

The second lady replies, "No dear, I think I'll stick with this one. It not only has warm water, it dispenses liquid soap as well!"

thedrifter

06-09-03, 07:47 AM

The Pianist

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."

"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

thedrifter

06-10-03, 07:40 AM

You might be a Redneck if...

Your richest relative buys a new house, and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
Your family tree does not fork.

thedrifter

06-10-03, 07:42 AM

Romeo & the neighbours

He jests at scars that never felt a wound.

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

WHAT?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon

IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!

Who is already sick and pale with grief

WILL YOU **** OFF - WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP

That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she

I'M WARNING YOU, IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP...

Be not her maid, since she is envious.

I'M GONNA COME DOWN THERE, AND SMASH YOUR BLOODY FACE IN

Her vestal livery is but sick and green

WILL YOU PUT A BLOODY SOCK IN IT?

And none but fools do wear it: cast it off

I'M GOING TO CAST YOU RIGHT OFF THIS BALCONY IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL

It is my lady, O it is my love

LOOK, ONE MORE STANZA OUT OF YOU AND I'LL CALL THE POLICE

O that she knew she were

HELLO, POLICE?

She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that?

THERE'S THIS BLOKE OUTSIDE

Her eye discourses: I will answer it.

HE'S BABBLING ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER... SOME GIRL HE GOT INTO TROUBLE

I am too bold: 'tis not to me she speaks.

PROBABLY A STUDENT - YES... HIGH AS A KITE NO DOUBT, OR DRUNK LIKE THEY ALL ARE

Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,

WELL, HE'S GOING ON ABOUT STARS IN THE HEAVENS OR SOMETHING

Having some business, do entreat her eyes

THANK YOU OFFICER.

To twinkle in their spheres till they return.

RIGHT! THE POLICE ARE COMING. NOW WILL YOU SHUT UP?

What if her eyes were there, they in her head?

SHUT THE F*** UP!

The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars

OH GOOD. HERE THEY COME.

As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven

RIGHT, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM

Would through the airy region stream so bright

WOULD YOU MIND KEEPING THE NOISE DOWN, SIR?

That birds would sing and think it were not night

WELL I'M AFRAID IT IS NIGHT SIR, SO COULD YOU BE A BIT QUIETER?

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand!

OR I SHALL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO ACCOMPANY ME TO THE STATION

O that I were a glove upon that hand,

RIGHT SONNY, THAT'S ABOUT ENOUGH OF THAT

That I might touch that cheek

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR A BREACH OF THE PEACE

Let go of me arm, pig!

thedrifter

06-10-03, 07:43 AM

A little 69

A Chinese couple is in bed one night, when the man gives his wife an elbow and says, "May-Ling, how about a little 69. I'm in the mood for some 69."

"Shut-up and go back to sleep," groans his wife.

"Come on, you know I like 69, and for that matter, so do you!"

"What time is it?"

"1:30."

"You want me to get up at this hour and make beef and broccoli for the two of us?"

thedrifter

06-10-03, 07:44 AM

Lawyer's age

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

thedrifter

06-10-03, 07:45 AM

Name Changes

A recent questionnaire sent out in the Soviet Union contained the questions:

1. Where were you born?
2. Where did you go to school?
3. Where did you attain your majority?
4. Where do you wish to live?

One return provided the following answers:

1. St. Petersburg
2. Petrograd
3. Leningrad
4. St. Petersburg

thedrifter

06-10-03, 07:46 AM

Roberts, Falwell, Schuler

Did you hear the one about the day Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell and Robert Schuler were driving to a big "tent meeting" together? Unfortunately, they were involved in a terrible accident and all three were killed. As you might expect they all ascended into heaven and came to standing in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted them and welcomed them to heaven. Then he started to hem and haw around and finally explained that they hadn't any advance notice of this situation and so weren't quite prepared for three so illustrious and holy men. He explained how all three of them qualified for the very finest accommodations heaven had to offer including very large and splendid mansions, but they weren't quite ready so would they mind waiting a few days?

They replied that they wouldn't mind waiting, but were they just going to have to stand there for several days? St. Peter said no, he believed he could arrange temporary quarters for them in Hell. Sometimes Satan was willing to help out in emergencies, whereupon he placed a call to Brother Satan and made the arrangements. They descended into Hell.

Noon on the fourth day after their descent St. Peter gets a frantic phone call from the Devil demanding that he remove these three guys from hell immediately. St. Peter couldn't believe his ears and asked what could possibly be wrong with these three upstanding people.

The Devil replied, "They are ruining my place down here. In less than four days Jerry Falwell has saved everybody, Oral Roberts has healed everybody, and Robert Schuler has raised enough money to air condition the whole damn place!!"

thedrifter

06-10-03, 07:47 AM

Answering Machine Messages

I put this message on my machine during the baseball season. In the background is the sound effect of a cheering crowd at a baseball game.

``We're back at Wrigley Field for this, the final game of the 1990 baseball season. The Cubs and Mets are tied for first, whoever wins this game takes home the National League Eastern Division championship. We're in the 9th inning, Cubs trailing 2-1, but they have Dunston on third with two outs. Coming up to bat now, here is BOB! (crowd cheers in background) This has been a solid season for Bob, 26 home runs, 87 runs batted in. A base hit now will tie it for the Cubs, while a home run will give them the championship..

"Bob digs in against Dwight Gooden. Gooden has been masterful today, striking out 16, while only allowing 3 base hits. Here comes the pitch . . . AND THERE'S A LONG DRIVE DEEP TO RIGHT! THAT COULD BE OUT OF HERE! DARRYL STRAWBERRY RACES OVER AND MAKES A LEAPING CATCH AT THE WALL AND BOB IS OUT!!!! Yes, Bob is out, but he'll be happy to return your call as soon as possible."

(BEEP)

Since I once worked in radio as a newscaster and DJ, I was able to do this so that it sounded like an actual radio broadcast. The response to this message, which ran a full 60 seconds, was interesting. Men loved it, and passed my phone number around so that their buddies could call in and hear it. Women, in general, didn't understand it, and left messages complaining that it was too long, too loud, or didn't make any sense.

thedrifter

06-10-03, 07:48 AM

Banjo jokes

What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)...

(a.) onion
No one cries when you cut up a banjo.
(b.) Uzi
An Uzi only repeats forty times.
(c.) chain saw
A chain saw has a dynamic range
and you can turn a chain saw off.
(d.) Harley Davidson motorcycle
You can tune a Harley.
(e.) Trampoline
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

o Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded...you don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

o What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?

Drool...

o Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?

It saves time in the long run.

o What will you never say about a banjo player?

That's the banjo player's Porsche.

o Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they think they have to keep playing or they will sink...

o How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?

By their names...(used to be Irish fiddle tunes)

o The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a building

You don't really need one.

thedrifter

06-10-03, 07:48 AM

Proprietary hardware

In a village in South America there was a young man who was what some people call a Cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked them all, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didn't matter. The trouble was that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marriage. This innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way. Well finally they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with sex. She told her new husband that she did not know a man was built that way. What a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want to her to think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you something, Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing." She believed him.

The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there. He then went down through the village looking for her. "Mary, Mary, where are you?" Finally he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very angry and frustrated. "You son-a-*****, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good for nothing" and begins to hit and fight with him. "Hey whoa, what's the matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing why you mad at me?" our tiger asks.

Mary says, "Yeah, you *******, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the street? Well he has one also" and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak, **** I can fix this. "Hey Honey, I tell you one something, you know what? Sancho he is my best friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him one," he is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.

Mary is now angrier and begins to clobber the **** out of him. "You dumb ass, pendejo, stupido, ignorante," she yells at him, "YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE."

Osotogary

06-10-03, 07:41 PM

Great idea for a cartoon. Hope you all like it.
Gary

thedrifter

06-11-03, 07:19 AM

Wacky Whirly Birds

Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over <such-and-such> beacon."

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that beacon!"

(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."

thedrifter

06-11-03, 07:20 AM

Bad idea
]
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the trooper said.

With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

thedrifter

06-11-03, 07:22 AM

Communication Studies Final Exam

N. I. H. E. Dublin, Ireland
B.A. in COMMUNICATION STUDIES

Final year exam 1989

Time: 9 am till opening time.

Candidates must not write on more than two sides of the exam paper.

Marks will be deducted for bad spelling and writing which is difficult to read.

1. What language is spoken by French Canadians?

2. Give important characteristics of ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions or give the first names of the Osmonds.

3. What religion is the Pope? [Jewish, Catholic, Hindu, Anglican (ONE only)].

4. Who won the Second World War? Who came second?

5. What is a silver dollar made of? Gold, Silver, polyvinylchloride (ONE only).

6. Explain Le Chatelier's principal of dynamic equilibrium force or spell your name in BLOCK capitals.

7. Approximately how many commandments were give to Moses?

8. There were six kings of Britain called George, the last one being called George VI. Name the other five.

9. Who invented Stevenson's rocket?

10. Write down the numbers 1 to 10. (Marks will be deducted for every number out of sequence.)

11. Dublin is the capital of which north-western European country?

12. Name the odd man out--Cardinal Heenan, The Pope, Archbishop of Canterbury, Jack the Ripper.

13. Who was the winning jockey in the All Ireland Greyhound Derby 1971?

14. Who built the Great Pyramid?--Rameses II, W.B. Yeats, Wimpey, Amey Roadstone Corporation? (ONE only).

15. In the 1973 Sheepdog trials, how many were found guilty?

16. At what time is News at Ten?--9 pm., 6 pm., Don't know.

17. Would you ask William Shakespeare to--Build a bridge, Sail the ocean, Lead the army or WRITE A PLAY?

18. What holiday falls on January 1st?--Christmas, New Year, August Bank holiday, St. Patrick's Day?

19. Is a dunker a :

(a) person who dips biscuits in his/her tea?
(b) contraceptive?
(c) lorry for motorway construction?
(d) black person about seven foot tall and good at basketball?

20. Do you understand Newton's law of gravity? Answer YES or NO

21 Arrange the following words into a logical statement: BRAINS HAVE NO C.S.'S.

22 What is 69 and 69 ( one answer only )

(i) 101.
(ii) ten times your I.Q.
(iii) An NIHE party
(iv) All of the above five

23 Write a prose composition on each of the following:

(i) The wide-ranging knowledge of C.S. students on computers (Maximum of two letters. Hint WS)
(ii) [From your employment possibilities] The role of fast food franchises in the modern urban environment

(iii) My favourite Lecture (you may not refer to the other two in your answer)

(iv) What the restaurant looks like

24 Approximately how many questions are on this paper (Answer to the nearest 100 if you can count that far.)

thedrifter

06-11-03, 07:24 AM

Good medicine

Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. Said he: Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table. She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts." After a couple of minutes he asked: How does that feel? Wonderful, she replied, but the discharge is from the ear.

thedrifter

06-11-03, 07:25 AM

Adam and Eve

I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company."

"Okay," replied God. "I'm going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious--she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word."

"Sounds good," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?"

"An arm and a leg."

"That's pretty steep, " countered Adam. "What can I get for just a rib?"

thedrifter

06-11-03, 07:25 AM

A lucky miner in South America

In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the News office and told that he had found a 12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be found in South America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter to get particulars. This is what happened:

Reporter--Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs.Brown-- he does.
Reporter--Is he in?
Mrs.Brown--No he isn't.
Reporter--I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.
Mrs.Brown--(Seeing the joke) Yes.
Reporter--Can you show me the exact location where it was found?
Mrs.Brown--I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.
Reporter--Is the hole far from here?
Mrs.Brown--No, it is quite handy.
Reporter--Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs.Brown--Almost ten months.
Reporter--Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?
Mrs.Brown--He thought he was.
Reporter--Was the work difficult?
Mrs.Brown--It was at first but easier after the shaft opened.
Reporter--Is the water plentiful?
Mrs.Brown--Yes, sufficient to carry on the work.
Reporter--Has he gotten to the bottom yet?
Mrs.Brown--No, but quite near it.
Reporter--Do you think there are any more nuggets?
Mrs.Brown--Yes, if the claim is properly worked.
Reporter--Has he worked it since he found the nugget?
Mrs.Brown--No, but I told him it was time to start.
Reporter--Do you help him?
Mrs.Brown--I do my level best.
Reporter--do you think he will sell the claim?
Mrs.Brown--No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself.
Reporter--Can I see the nugget?
Mrs.Brown--Certainly.

She brought the baby in for inspection. The embarrassed reporter departed very fast.

thedrifter

06-11-03, 07:27 AM

Mississippi's finest

GLN (Good-Looking Nerd) : "Can I help you?"

MHP (Mississippi Highway Patrolman) : "Do you know how fast you were going, boy?"

GLN : "I'm not sure. The needle doesn't reach the high numbers very well. I would estimate somewhere between 80 and 85, closer to 85."

MHP : "You were going 84 miles an hour."

GLN : "See, I was close. I must've been going uphill."

MHP : "What was that?"

GLN : "Oh, nothing. Is there some reason you pulled me over?"

MHP : "I'm going to have to give you a ticket, boy."

GLN : "No thank you."

MHP : "What was that?"

GLN : "If it's all the same to you, I'd just as soon you keep your ticket. I don't really have any use for one."

MHP : "Don't try to weasel your way out of this, boy. I'm going to give you a ticket."

GLN : "What for?"

MHP : "WHAT FOR??? Speeding, that's what!"

GLN : "You mean you're going to give me a ticket for going two miles per hour over the speed limit?"

MHP : "TWO MILES??? Don't you know what the speed limit is, boy?"

GLN : "It's posted on the white sign with black letters, right?"

MHP : "Right."

GLN : "82. That's what the sign said, '82.'"

MHP : "That's not the speed limit. This is highway 82."

GLN : "I thought this was highway 55. It goes through Winona."

MHP : "55 is the speed limit. This is highway 82. I-55 goes through Memphis and Jackson."

GLN : "But I'm going to Starkville, not Memphis or Jackson. You must be confused."

MHP : "This is NOT I-55. This IS highway 82, and it does go to Starkville."

GLN : "That's right. I'm going to Starkville on highway 55, and the speed limit is 82. I don't think you should give me a ticket for going two miles over the speed limit."

MHP : "The speed limit is 55. Didn't you see the sign with the words 'SPEED LIMIT' and the number '55' on it?"

GLN : "I was wondering why they would write that on the sign telling the name of the highway."

MHP : "It ISN'T the highway sign. The highway is 82, and the speed limit is 55."

GLN : "Do you think you could hurry up and get to the point? I'm kind of in a hurry."

MHP : "Is this your car?"

GLN : "Yes, do you like it?"

MHP : "Would you turn down that music?"

GLN : "It's Aretha Franklin. It goes with the car, don't you think? What are you doing?"

MHP : "I'm writing you a ticket."

GLN : "For going two miles over the speed limit?"

MHP : "No, for going TWENTY-NINE miles an hour over the speed limit."

GLN : "Do you think that's unsafe?"

MHP : "Absolutely. It's very unsafe."

GLN : "If I was going so fast, then how did you catch me?"

MHP : "Well, uh..."

GLN : "Do you think it's safe for you to drive that fast?"

MHP : "Yes. I've been trained for high-speed pursuit."

GLN : "Don't you think it's rather hypocritical of you to be giving me a ticket? How many wrecks have you had?"

MHP : "That's irrelevant."

GLN : "Did you see that?"

MHP : "What?"

GLN : "That black car just sideswiped your patrol car and kept going. If you hurry, you can probably catch him."

MHP : "#@*%^$! And that's my new patrol car, too. You wait here while I apprehend that criminal!"

GLN : "Yeah, right."

thedrifter

06-11-03, 07:28 AM

Telephone answering machines

Answering machines. Nowadays almost everyone has one, complete with a snappy message of their own device. Wait for the BEEP and then read on. This is a short adaptation of Simon Butler-White's and Clive Archer's "could-be" phone messages released in Australian Cleo, August 1989. (Some of them are bit old, Maggie ain't prime minister of the UK, and Kylie Minogue isn't seeing Jason Donovan anymore, but you'll get the meaning anyway, I'm sure).

John McEnroe, Tennis Mouth

You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by AT LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right? You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! BEEP.

Sarah Ferguson, Another Royal

(Giggle) Hello, this is Fergie...er (sound of hand being placed over receiver and a loud whisper). Andrew! What's that title again? What? Oh hello, this is the Duchess of York. The Duke and I are out skiing, so when you hear the jolly old pip pip, leave your message and we'll give you a tinkle when we get back--in November. BEEP.

Elvis Presley, Corpse

Hi. I can't come to the phone right now. Actually I can't do much of anything right now because I've been dead since 1977. But my spirit lives on and if you'd like to leave your name and number, I'll try to contact you via ouija board, Madame Zenda or garbled tape recording. This is also the number of John F. Kennedy, Adolf Hitler, Harold Holt, Lucille Ball, Roy Orbison...BEEP.

Mikhail Gorbachev, Commie Birthmark

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike. BEEP.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Thespian

Gutten day to you. Here I'm being on ze set of mein latest moofie. Eet's the latest moofie in mein strings of mega-hits. First zere was za Terminator, zen zere was za Predator...zis one's called za Laminator. Eet's about zis handyman on a mission. Eet's drama. Very funny stuff. You'll chust luff it. I know you vill. Leaf a messich after za BEEP. Don't say you can't. Ve haf vays off making you talk, you know. BEEP.

Margaret Thatcher, Iron Woman

You have reached the residence of the Prime Minister at No. 10 Downing Street. When you hear the beep, sit up straight, speak clearly and distinctly and STOP doodling when you're talking to me! And Dennis, if that's you, how many time have I told you abut staying at the club after 9.30? We've been a very naughty boy, haven't we? BEEP.

Kylie Minogue, Singing Budgie

Gee, hi, um, I'm unable to come to the phone right now cos I'm making a movie, or a video, or a new album or something, but I'll get back to you next time I'm in Australia. and if that's you Jason, I stick by what I said last night: You wear your underwear and I'll wear mine. BEEP.

The Pope, Spiritual Leader

Bless you my child. This is John Paul Ringo...heh heh, I tell a liddle Beatles choke, yes? I'm out kissing airport runways (hey, so would you if you flew Boeing) and am unable to pontificate at present. Please leave your name and number when you hear the amen and I'll get back to you, God willing. BEEP.

thedrifter

06-11-03, 07:29 AM

Top 10 relationship list

Top 10 disqualifiers for consideration of relational status:

10. Uses "party" as a verb.

9. Knows all the words to "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw?"

8. Considers "Whooooo!" a valid form of expressing approval

7. Thinks "quark plasma" is a party drink

6. Hair mass > brain mass

5. Thinks "electron transfer" is a new dance step popularized by the New Kids on the Block

4. Thinks Dr. Spock has cute pointy ears

3. Has accepted more drinks than IQ, and still isn't drunk

2. Isn't expecting to go home tonight, but is hoping for a ride in the morning

1. Needs pronunciation guide to read the television listings

thedrifter

06-11-03, 08:01 AM

A father watched his precious six year old daughter playing in
the
> garden.
> > > He
> > > smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl
was.
> > >
> > > Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over
to
her
> > and
> > > noticed she was watching two spiders mating.
> > > "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
> > > "They're mating," her father replied.
> > >
> > > "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
> > > "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
> > > "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
> > > "No," her father laughed. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
> > >
> > > The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and
> > > stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we're not having any of that
****
in
> > our
> > > garden!"

thedrifter

06-12-03, 07:34 AM

Catholic tastes

A bum got on a subway car. He smelled of cheap women and cheap wine. He was dirty and had a porno magazine in his pocket. When he got in he sat down next to a priest and started reading the newspaper. After a few minutes, he asked the priest how a person got arthritis. The priest replied that you got arthritis by drinking too much, being with cheap women, not washing and reading smut. The bum said oh, okay. After a few minutes, the priest started to feel guilty and turned to the bum and apologized for snapping at him and asked him why he wanted to know. The bum said that he read that the Pope had arthritis.

thedrifter

06-12-03, 07:37 AM

Brit, Scot, Irishman at a bar

A Brit and a Scot were standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked up. "You know what," said the Irishman, "I just went into that pub over there, ordered a pint, played some darts and when I walked out of the pub the barman said to me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint, the barman did nothing to me, so I got a free drink!"

The Brit like the ideal so much he went into the pub and did the same thing the Irishman did. The Brit came out and told the Irishman and the Scot that the barman gave him no trouble either.

So the Scot decides to try this. He walks into the bar and orders a pint. As he continues to talk to the barman, the barman mentioned the two blokes who walked out without paying. The Scot asked the barman why he did nothing. The barman said, "We'll I'm not looking for trouble," the Scot replied, "Well it's getting late, if you give me my change, I'll be heading home."

thedrifter

06-12-03, 07:38 AM

The first clean sheep joke

A man walks up to a New Zealand sheep farmer and says, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have down there, can I keep one?"

The farmer glances at the vast array of sheep, snickers, and says, "Sure."

The man looks carefully at the sheep, then says, "5,279."

The farmer, startled, says, "How did you do that?"

The man says, "I'd rather not say. Can I have my animal?"

"I guess so," says the farmer. The man picks up an animal and starts to walk away.

"Wait!" yells the farmer. "If I can guess where you're from, will you give me my animal back?"

The man snickers, and says, "Sure."

"You're from <ethnic origin>," says the farmer.

The man, startled, says, "How did you do that?"

The farmer says, "I'd rather not say. Can I have my dog back?"

thedrifter

06-12-03, 07:39 AM

Making the supreme sacrifice

One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon.

"Hey," said the demon, "how'd you like to make this one a hole in one?"

"What's the catch?" said the man suspiciously.

"It shortens your sex life by five years," replied the demon.

"Hmmm . . . okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a hole in one, just as ordered.

On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon. "How'd you like to make it two holes-in-one simultaneously?" said the demon. "It's only been done five times in the history of golf."

"What's the payback this time?" said the man.

"Shortens your sex life by another twenty years." said the demon.

"I guess," agreed the man, and again made an amazing shot. All his friends were amazed and people were coming from miles around to see him play . . . two holes-in-one in the same game!

On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again. "Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in the history of the world! C'mon!"

"No problem," said the man, agreeing. "What do I gotta give up this time?"

"You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of your life." said the demon.

"Okay!" said the man, and again hit a hole-in-one.

And that's how Father Hoolihan got into the Guinness Book of Records!

thedrifter

06-12-03, 07:41 AM

Top 10 Ways to Combat Boredom

10. Design and implement Ada++

9. Start a campaign to move the Grand Canyon out of Arizona

8. Yell nasty things to friendly neighborhood gangsters while jogging at 3 am

7. Make obscene phone calls to 1-900-FONE-SEX

6. Get to know the inside of your nose

5. Play tackle football with the Eagles' defensive line

4. Suggest new alliances with Middle Eastern terrorist states to President Bush

3. Practice ventriloquism by saying "Hit me" at blackjack tables in Las Vegas

2. Research material for term paper "The Musical Genius of Milli Vanilli"

1. Ponder on the question that has stumped philosophers for years: "What makes teflon stick to the frying pan?"

thedrifter

06-12-03, 07:42 AM

My hand is numb

The other morning I woke up and quickly noticed that I had no feeling in my left hand. Have you ever had that happen where you sleep on it wrong? Any way, I tried to move the fingers, and nothing happened. I reached over with my right hand and gave the skin on my left hand a little pinch. I couldn't feel a thing! Now I was starting to worry...

I reached over to the night stand and picked up a pin. I gave my left hand a sharp jab to see if I'd feel it. At that moment, my wife let out a scream! Thank goodness my hand was OK!

thedrifter

06-12-03, 07:43 AM

Have you driven a Ford, lately?

Looking for a girl-friend
Following are some of the requirements.

* Make and Model Human/Woman
* Year 1966 - 1972
* Mileage Low (prefer ~0)
* Engine Three Cylinder (V-1 position)
EFI**
Multi-port Injection
Single fuel intake/double exhaust (all three usable)
Very low noise
Quick acceleration (Zero to Sixty Nine in <8 sec.)
A lot of horse power (must feel it)
No exhaust fumes or smoke
* Transmission Manual
Over-drive required
Ease of use of the stick shift is a plus
* Clutch Good condition, should be able to handle hard
driving in the city.
* Brakes Front - Disk, Rear - Cylinder (no leaks in the
system and enough fluids)
* Radiator No boiling
Quick warm up and cool down
* Body No Dents/Excellent Condition (well kept)
Color - any (original hood color)
Detailing - as needed but not over-done
Blinking lights-any color (prefer blue)
Weight - Less than 115 lb
Pleasant Grill
Easily Convertible (Remover cover at will)
Comfortable Driver Seat
Front and Back Double Soft-Cushion(tm) suspension
Slim but adequate tires
Absolutely no rust (must be checked and certified)
Clean inside (should be able to eat off it)
* Cost Less than the Bill of Rights

** EFI = Easy Front Interface

thedrifter

06-12-03, 07:44 AM

Choice of religion

A Jew, a Catholic and an Episcopalian were standing at the gates of Hell. Satan came out, and looked them over.

"Why are you here?" he asked the Jew. "I ate pork," the Jew admitted. "Okay, come on in," replied Satan. Then he turned to the Catholic.

"What are you doing here?" Satan asked the Catholic. "I ate meat on Friday long before His Holiness said it was okay," the Catholic answered. "Well, then, come in," Satan said.

Then he looked at the Episcopalian. "Why on earth are you down here?" Satan asked. The Episcopalian hung his head in shame as he answered:

"I used the wrong fork."

thedrifter

06-12-03, 07:45 AM

American Expressway

You are invited to become a member of the American Expressway, one of the newest and most innovative road systems in America. There are many advantages to the American Expressway over the standard tollways, parkways, highways and freeways but by far the biggest advantage is:

No Preset Speed Limit!

Instead your personal speed limit is determined by your vehicle, your personal resourcefulness and your past speeding patterns. When you enter the expressway your personal ID number is transmitted to Central Control to tabulate your tolls and record your initial speed (all AE members may travel at 55 with no restrictions). If you decide to pursue a greater speed then an authorization will be sent to Central Control and our highly specialized, non deterministic and little understood AI algorithm will decide if you are approved for your new speed. If you are not then a Service Technician (formally known as a State Trooper) may stop you to ask a few questions to verify that you were capable of handling your new limit (Do you increase throttle to induce oversteer in a decreasing radius turn?), that you have adequate resources (Is that a Crosley Wombat V16?) and that you are not too far out of your previous speeding pattern (Have you ever driven at 180 mph before?).

Membership has its Privileges

To apply for membership call 1 800 HAUL ASS

thedrifter

06-12-03, 07:46 AM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Famous Peoples' Conjectures

On Why the Chicken Crossed the Road
Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.

Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.

TS Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.

Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning proprely. Ah canna work miracles, captain!

Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.

Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility.

Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.

Bill the Cat: Oop Ack.

Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that kind of thing, you know.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which thank goodness are good, dahling.

George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

Epicurus: For fun.

TS Eliot revisited: Do I dare to cross the road?

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.

Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.

Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward momentum.

Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.

Candide: To cultivate its garden.

George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776. But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the duration.

Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.

James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost. The chicken would be lost!

Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.

Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

The Sphinx: You tell me.