Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Nun's Practical Joke

Three nuns were talking.......

The first nun said "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines"

"What did you do?", the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?", they asked

"I poked holes in all of them!", she replied.

The third nun fainted.

[kubba]

A trucker going down the road comes upon alow bridge and does not see the low bridge sign till it is to late and gets stuck under the bridge. Along come a state trooper laughing and says to the driver" So son, didn't see the low bridge sign and got stuck huh?"
So the driver replies "No sir, I was moving this here bridge and ran out of fuel"
Stan:banana: :banana:

[thedrifter]

Answer to Question on Nudism


would like to ask a question that has bothered me ever since I heard about nude places like beaches, parks and whatnot.
What if you are a guy and you get a hard on. Do you try and cover it up (don't ask ME how) or does everyone just take it for granted and politely ignore it? Or do nudists say that the problem never comes up due to self-control?

This is a common question among newcomers to nudist activities. In practice, it is nothing to worry about. What usually happens is something like this:

You get an erection, somebody notices, points at you and yells, "Hey, look at the hard-on on that guy" or, "Look at that guy trying to hide his hard-on." Then everyone gathers around, pointing and laughing. If you try to run away, they all follow you. People start taking pictures. Eventually, some mesomorph/homophobe thinks he catches you looking at his girlfriend/self and beats the hell out of you. After this happens two or three times, you get conditioned to always go limp when you see a naked body.

No problem.

[thedrifter]

Yet another East German joke

One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her choice.

She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich, if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the borders just for one day."

Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?"

The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."

[thedrifter]

Red-tapism

The banana becomes open to discussion," cultural changes in administrative and political Groningen (city in Netherlands) by Tom Pauka and Rein Zunderdorp (Nijgh and van Ditmar, 1988)]

Red-tapism:

Take a cage with apes. In the cage we hang a banana on a string, and put stairs under it. Before long an ape goes to the stairs towards the banana, but as soon as it even touches the stairs, all apes are sprayed with water. After a while the same ape or another one makes another attempt, with the same result: all apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the stairs, the others will try to prevent it.

Now we take one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The new ape sees the banana, and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror all other apes attack him. After another attempt he knows: if he wants to climb the stairs, he is beaten up. Then we remove a second ape and replace it by another new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and gets beaten up. The previous new ape takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

A third old ape is replaced by a third new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and get beaten up as well. Two of the apes who beat him, have no idea why you may not climb the stairs. We replace the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc. until all apes which ones have been sprayed with water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever tries to climb the stairs.

"But Sir, why not?"

"Because that's the way we do things here, lad."

[thedrifter]

Getting along with the natives

A U.S. Army survival manual tells how a stranded serviceman should deal with the inhabitants of wherever he is:

"Be respectful of their personal property, especially their women."

[thedrifter]

Only her hairdresser knows

"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded. She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."

[thedrifter]

Choice of punishments

Um, well....

Three prisoners attempt an escape from Alcatraz, but are caught and must be punished.

Prison Guard: "OK, the governor has prescribed punishment of three lashes each, but you may have on your back the covering of your choice. Jenkins, you first. What ya want on your back?"

Jenkins: "Oil."

PG: "OK, then. Slop it on. Good. Now... ONE!"

Jenkins: " AAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!"

PG: "TWO!"

Jenkins: "Oh GOD! MERCY! MERCY!"

PG: "THREE!"

Jenkins: "AAAARRRghhhhh (faints)"

PG: "Next, you Baxter, what do you want on your back?"

Baxter (extra tough macho type of guy): "Nothing."

PG: "Have it your way... ONE!"

Baxter: "Didn't feel it."

PG: "TWO!"

Baxter: "Ha, ha, ha!"

PG: "THREE!"

Baxter: "No sweat."

PG: "Finally you, Goldstein. What you want on your back?"

Goldstein: "I'll have Baxter."

[thedrifter]

The Eighteen Bottles

The Eighteen Bottles

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

[thedrifter]

Blind luck


A young woman has just undressed to step into the shower when the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and says, "Who is it?"

"Blind man," comes the reply.

So instead of going back to the bathroom for her robe, she opens the door.

"Hmmm.. nice body, lady. Where do you want the blinds?"

[thedrifter]

The TJ Solution

A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.) The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice, "washing machine." The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired and she said, "Not tonight, dear; I'm tired." He rolled away.

Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing machine." She said, "I've got a headache."

He rolled away again. Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned to her husband and said, "OK, washing machine."

He replied. "That's OK. It was a small load and I did it by hand."

[thedrifter]

Minister joke

One of the problems dealt with during the training of Southern Baptist ministers is how to handle those uncomfortable situations in which, while the minister would be forbidden to lie, the truth would be hurtful if not down right cruel.

As a particular case, when faced with a particularly ugly baby --and, sadly, they do exist-- the prospective minister is taught to throw up his hands while emitting a delighted "Why! It's a baby!"

So our scene shifts to a large Baptist convention. The Bishop, making the rounds, comes upon a young newly ordained minister who is also a recent, proud papa. Looking down, the Bishop says, "Why, it's a baby!" whereupon the young minister decks him.

[thedrifter]

Dog joke

Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and, on the next green when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.

The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt??"

"Somersaults."

"Somersaults!!!!!! How many of them does it do?"

"Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!"

[thedrifter]

It's not the meat

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[thedrifter]

Election Day

Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides.

Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?''

The other agrees enthusiastically and they part.

Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, ``That was a sporting offer you made.''

``Not really,'' says the second. This is the third time I've done this today.

[thedrifter]

How wrong can a guy be?

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

[Sparrowhawk]

http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/tmbou/2003/tmbou030526.gif

[wrbones]

Subject: Baseball game

>
> > >

> > > >
> > > > Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first
>Diamondbacks
> > > > baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball
> > park.
> > > > The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely
> > > > mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the
> > > > bottle
> > > > is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go. Based on the
> > > > given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > You're gonna love it......
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded........
> > > >
> > > >
> > >

[thedrifter]

Residency in New England

Forms for NH and MA


Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire





NAME:

ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
White ( )

TYPE OF CARS OWNED:
Pickup Truck ( )
You don't own any Foreign cars, do you? NO ( )

CAR EQUIPMENT:
Gun Rack ( ) Stash ( ) CB ( ) Beer Holder ( )
Playboy air freshener ( )

BUMPER STICKERS:
"Ex-wife in trunk" ( )
"If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns" ( )
"Bush/Quayle" ( )
"**** Happens" ( )
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" ( )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual ( )

FAVORITE CAUSE: NRA ( ) Pro-life ( )

Total given to these causes in the last 12 months:

FAVORITE DRUGS:
Grass ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?:
(check all that apply)
Democrats ( ) Welfare ( ) N.O.W. ( )

FAVORITE BEER:
Miller ( ) Michelob ( ) Bud ( )

FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Don't Care ( )

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
NRA ( )

How Automatic Weapons do you own?

5 ( ) 10 ( ) More than that ( )

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Benny Hill ( )

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Application for Permission to Live in Massachusetts

NAME:
(extra space left due to new social awareness)

ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
Eskimo ( ) American Indian ( ) Hispanic ( ) Asian ( )
African-American ( ) American-African ( ) Black-American ( )
Other Group With A Long History Of Oppression By White Males ( )
(specify, so we can help you form a political action group)



TYPE OF CARS OWNED (pick two):
SAAB ( ) Volvo ( ) BMW ( ) Mercedes ( ) Honda ( )

You don't own any American cars, do you? NO ( )

CAR EQUIPMENT:
Blaupunkt ( ) Passport ( ) Escort ( ) Vuarnet Sunglasses ( )
Stash ( ) CD ( ) Cellular Phone ( ) Ski Rack ( )
Bicycle Rack ( ) Wine Rack ( )

BUMPER STICKERS:
"You can't hug a child with nuclear arms" ( ) "Greenpeace" ( )
"Dukakis/Bentsen" ( ) "Save the Whales" ( ) "Farms not Arms" ( )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Gay ( ) Lesbian ( ) Other ( )
(note: failure to give the proper answer to the above means you can't
live in certain towns on the Cape, or get elected to Congress)

FAVORITE CAUSE: Whales ( ) Baby Seals ( ) Snail Darter ( )
Total given to these causes in the last 12 months:

FAVORITE DRUGS:
Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Kitty's Diet Plan ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?:
(check all that apply)
The Bomb ( ) Handguns ( ) All guns ( ) Nuclear Power ( )
Cigarettes ( ) The NRA ( ) Republicans ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE LEGALIZED?:
(check all that apply)
Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Needles ( )
Flag Burning ( )

FAVORITE BEER:
Samuel Adams ( ) Beck's ( ) Corona(w/lime) ( )
Latest trendy brand ( )

FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Ted Kennedy ( ) John Kennedy ( ) Bobby Kennedy ( )
Joe Kennedy ( )

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
ACLU ( ) Greenpeace ( ) SDS ( ) N.O.W. ( ) A.F.S.C.M.E ( )
Billy Bulger Breakfast Club ( ) Provincetown Boys Club ( )
Bull-dykes Kennel Club ( )

Even though we can't ever get any more power from Hydro-Quebec, don't
you think that Seabrook should remain closed forever? YES ( )

Don't you think that the people in the Midwest should stop dropping acid
rain on our vacation homes in Vermont, even if it means that they all lose
their jobs? YES ( )

How many watts (per channel, RMS) is your principal home stereo?
100W ( ) 200W ( ) More than that ( )

How many air conditioners do you have to help you through our long New
England summers?: 2 ( ) 3 ( ) 4 ( ) Central Air ( )
(note: Fewer than two A/C units may qualify you for state
subsidies if you are a non-white unemployed Democrat)

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Thirtysomething ( )

[thedrifter]

Ask, and ye shall receive

The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson, when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea. The man looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, this is my only grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief."

Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet.

The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!"

[thedrifter]

When Johnny comes marching high

The reporter met the troop ship bring back demobilized soldiers after World War II. He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked one soldier, "What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?"

The soldier immediately replied, "**** my wife."

The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and asked, "Oh. Well, what's the second thing?"

"Then I'll take off these Goddam filthy combat boots!"

[thedrifter]

Letterman's 10 New Slogans for Exxon:

David Letterman's 10 New Slogans for Exxon:

10. We've got oil to spare.

9. Exxon: The Eastern Airlines of the sea.

8. Anybody got a tissue?

7. Breathe a word of this to anyone, and we'll kill you.

6. Keeping your children safe from blood-thirsty marauding walruses.

5. Now sardines automatically come with oil.

4. Three Mile Island. Now THAT was an accident.

3. If it wasn't for us, American sea gulls would be covered with foreign oil.

2. Ecosystems, schmecosystems.

1. Hey, you try drinking 3 or 4 six-packs and then steering a huge oil tanker!

[thedrifter]

Making it home

Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact

Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight.

Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home," run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love, woman?" She never even moves.

[thedrifter]

College rejection letter

Pennsylvania State University Admissions Address

Dear Sir,

I have received your acceptance for admission, and I regret to inform you that I will not be attending your university in coming years.

As a senior in high school, I have applied to many other fine institutions to further my education. And, although yours ranks high among them, I'm afraid that you failed to qualify.

Elimination under my system doesn't mean that you are not qualified to educate other fine young men and women. It merely reflects the high caliber of colleges and universities competing for my acceptance.

My best wishes for your future.

Sincerely,

[thedrifter]

High Steaks


A number of years ago, a major meat packer wanted to do a promotional campaign on radio. The idea was to have call-in contests on radio stations throughout the country, and the winners would receive large supplies of sirloin steaks.

The researchers had to come up with a name for the contest. The report they submitted read something like this.

After conducting market research, we have reached the conclusion that the name "High Steaks" would be an appropriate name for the contest. We base this conclusion on interviews and surveys, and we are firmly convinced that the majority of radio listeners will understand the double entendre. The only city where we found a lack of sophistication was Memphis, TN, and there we recommend that you call the contest "Free Meat."

[thedrifter]

Still more East Block Humor (East Germany)

Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of of celebration activities, there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow.

While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small boy aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child replies, "Mother Russia." "And who is your father?" asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, "Why, it's you Uncle Gorbachev!" Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and what do you want to be when you grow up?" The boy proudly replies, "a good communist!"

Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration includes a parade.

Remembering what Gorbachev did in Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?" The child replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic--East Germany]." "And who is your father?" asks Honnecker. "Why, it's you Uncle Honnecker!" replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies, "an orphan."

[thedrifter]

A different Polish joke

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm--he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says:

"Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:

"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"

As I said, this is a joke the Polish tell about Russians...

[thedrifter]

Condoms

One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts of town. When just inside, he sees a sign which says:

"CONDOMS: SOLD & FITTED."

He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive young lady emerges.

"Do you work here?" he asks.

"Yes," she replied.

"And is the statement on the sign over there true?" The lady leans over the counter and says seductively, "Yes."

"Tell me," he asks, "who fits them?"

"I do," said the lady.

"Well," said the engineer, "would you please wash your hands and give me a pound of tomatoes?"

[thedrifter]

Hit the penny...

There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date.

She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice her.

The next day, she passed the man in the hall and began moving her left hip. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the penny... hit the penny..." Just as the analyst predicted, the man noticed her and stopped to chat for a while.

This worked well for a few days, but the man never did ask her out. She talked to her analyst again, and this time he told her to pretend that she also had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down to her right hip. Attached to this string was a nickel. As she walked near the man she was now to use her hips to first hit the penny and then hit the nickel.

The next day at work, she saw the man and began moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the penny... hit the nickel..." Just as predicted, the man stopped her and asked her out on a date.

After a few weeks and numerous dates later, the girl decided that she wanted this man to ask her to marry him. After talking to her analyst, he suggested she pretend she had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down her back to her bottom, and attached to this string was a dime. She was now to use her hips to hit all of these coins.

The next day they had a date, and when she saw the man she began moving her hips again. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime..." That night, just as the analyst predicted, the man asked her to marry him.

She was very happy, and began to make wedding plans. She also began to worry about her honeymoon because she was a virgin and was not well versed in the art of making love. She talked to her analyst again and this time he told her to pretend that one more string was attached to the top of her head and than it hung down in front of her to her private parts. He told her to hit the coins when she was making love to her new husband.

A few weeks later her wedding day arrived. After the ceremony the newly married couple rushed off to their honeymoon. That night she went into the bathroom at the hotel and practiced moving her hips. "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter..."

Soon they were in bed together and as they began making love she started moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... Oh, forget the small change... hit the quarter... hit the quarter... hit the quarter..."

[thedrifter]

Freud on Seuss


The Cat in the Hat
by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95

The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably Green Eggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can't I Shower With Mommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality.

The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss' probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with God!"

After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal triangle.

Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at this trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self.

The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order.

With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid, making The Cat in the Hat impossible to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent.

[thedrifter]

T Shirt Collection

Son of Baglady

-Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once

-The Hunchback of Notre Dame's secret mantra: Oh mommy pat my hump.

-What's good for Ugoose is good for Uganda.

-We have them just where they want us. J. T. Kirk

-I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office.

-Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

-I figure I'm pretty good with the bull**** but I love listening to an expert. Keep talking.

-Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

-The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.

-The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. --Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

-Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.

-Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.

-When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.--Art Denman

-Sex is a disrobic experience

-Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.--J.T. Kirk

-Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.--Albert Einstein

-Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

-Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

-We are the people our parents warned us about.

-Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.

-Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

-How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?

-There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.

-Power means not having to respond.

-Onward, through the fog.

-Never kick a man unless he's down.

-Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.

-We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot.

-The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

-I'm not as dumb as you look.

-I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

-Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

-How can I love you if you won't lie down?

-I'd rather be ****ed off than ****ed on.

-You can find sympathy between **** and syphilis in the dictionary.

-When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

-To err is human. To forgive is unusual.

-Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.

-I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.

-I'm the person your mother warned you about.

-How can I tell you I love you when you're sitting on my face?

-God is dead and I want His job.

-Work is the curse of the drinking class.

-I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.

-Our parents were never our age.

-Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.

-There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.

-Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

-In the country of the blind the one eyed man is lynched.

-He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.

-It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.

-When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.--Mae West

-I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, okay?

-He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

-Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.

-You can't fall off the floor.

-Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.

-Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me.--Mae West

-I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

-I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

-I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

-Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.

-Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

-Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

-I worship the ground that awaits you.

-The future isn't what it used to be.

-I wish you were a beer.

-I want to live forever or die in the attempt.

-Love means telling you why you're sorry.

-Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.

-Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

-I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

-I'm having a party in my pants. Want to come?

-Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

-Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.

-Better dead than mellow.

-If I follow you home will you keep me?

-A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.

-There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.

-Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They merely adjust the compass.

-The difference between meat and fish is that if you beat your fish it dies

-It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.

-You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.

-Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.

-The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

-Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.

-Kite fliers keep it up longer.

-My human experience is just beginning (This one on a little kid's shirt)

-If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.

-An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth.

-You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

-Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

-Nuke the whales

-Join the Army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting, unusual people and kill them.

-We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

-Life is like a **** sandwich. The more bread you have, the less **** you have to eat.

-I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.

-Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

-When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

-It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.

-If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bull****.

-I'm not cynical. Just experienced.

-The torture never stops.

-Ignore alien orders.

-I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.

-I'm not wearing any underwear. Film at 11.

-Bend over. I'll drive.

-I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, No problem.

-Save our beaches. Harpoon a fat chick.

-We dive at five.

-I'd walk over you to see the Who.

-It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.

-I'm for lust.

-I want a meal, not a snack.

-Bull**** Detector. When alarm sounds, please re-engage your brain.

-The word today is Legs ... Spread the word.

[thedrifter]

Oldie but coldie

One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."

"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."

"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."

"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."

So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.

"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"

"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."

[Barrio_rat]

GREAT TRUTHS

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

[Barrio_rat]

REDNECK VASECTOMY

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

[Barrio_rat]

RULES OF LIFE

Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally: be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

[Barrio_rat]

Service

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service. " The act of doing things for other people.

Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows. SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us...

[Barrio_rat]

There is a new virus: code name is "work".

If you receive "work", from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or anywhere else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances !!

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with this virus, put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.

Order three beers and after repeating 14 times, you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends.

Should you realise that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.

This virus is deadly. Please pay close attention to it and take heed.

[Barrio_rat]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A moment later, another loud scream reverberates through the bar, so the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming in shear agony.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers away." "I'm just sitting here on the toilet trying to do my thing, and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the stall door to take a look and exclaims, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[Art Petersn]

An old man was sitting on a park bench at the Mall. A young man walked
up to the bench and sat down.

The young man had spiked hair in all different colors: Green, red, orange,
blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked,
the old man was staring.

The young man finally said very sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer,
ever done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk one time in Hong
Kong & had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son".

[lurchenstein]

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken".
:p

[thedrifter]

The doctor and the plumber


A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told it's his day off ...

"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying,

"Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, come and see me tomorrow."

[thedrifter]

A matter of perspective

A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails. The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree where several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault. He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers. He replied, "I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast."

[thedrifter]

"No New Taxes"


In our image processing lab we recently had a chance to digitize and then re-view some of the Presidential campaign speeches. Of particular interest was George Bush's famous "Read my lips, No New Taxes" speech.

We hired a speech specialist and showed the tape to her over and over several times. Not only was the tape played back slowly, but we performed a zoom operation on the (now) President's face. As she read his face for clues, it became painfully obvious to her that George Bush was saying--"Read my lips, No Nude Taxes."

With this subjective information, we called the White House for an explanation. Reluctantly the White House Staff admitted that yes, that was correct--"The President planned to clothe new taxes as user fees."

[thedrifter]

Memorial Day


As told to me by a friend in the British Army:

A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!"

[thedrifter]

Inquiry


This is from a little book called "Buurmans hemd nader bekeken," by Harry de Jong (in Dutch). I thought it deserved a bigger audience. Hans)

"How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer.

"Three times," I said without hesitation.

"That is once more often than your neighbour," the inquirer said, writing.

"That makes sense," I said, "after all, she's my wife."

[thedrifter]

Zen and the Art of Bicycle Riding


A Zen teacher saw five of his students returning from the market, riding their bicycles. When they arrived at the monastery and had dismounted, the teacher asked the students, "Why are you riding your bicycles?"

The first student replied, "The bicycle is carrying the sack of potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!" The teacher praised the first student, "You are a smart boy! When you grow old, you will not walk hunched over like I do."

The second student replied, "I love to watch the trees and fields pass by as I roll down the path!" The teacher commended the second student, "Your eyes are open, and you see the world."

The third student replied, "When I ride my bicycle, I am content to chant nam myoho renge kyo." The teacher gave praise to the third student, "Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel."

The fourth student replied, "Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony with all sentient beings." The teacher was pleased, and said to the fourth student, "You are riding on the golden path of non-harming."

The fifth student replied, "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle." The teacher sat at the feet of the fifth student and said, "I am your student!"

[thedrifter]

Last Margaliot Jokeline

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the duck's former owner, "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A company in the Foreign Legion had spend three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades. "And on the third day..." he began,
"No! no! start with the first day!" everyone yells out in chorus.

"And on the third day, " the private continues, "she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom..."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the wall of a church was a sign, "If you are tired of sin, come to see us!"
And right below it in nice rounded letters; "But if you're not, my phone number is 341-3451"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "You have your hand on my steak!"

"What?" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's o.k.," he replied, "It's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil--"The hat check girl puts out!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other--a star of David.
Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs.

"Get this guy," laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal, "Trying to teach us how to do business!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man meets his girl friend of 25 years ago. She was so happy to see him that she couldn't resist and asked him to come up and see her some time.
"With pleasure!" says the man.

So he bought some wine and a bunch of flowers and in the evening he went to see her. When the door opens there she was, stark naked.

"What's this?" the man was shocked.

She smiles and says, "I wore my birthday dress for you."

"That's great," he says somewhat embarrassed, "But couldn't you have pressed it first?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile, "We don't even have an air conditioner"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A good looking chick walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to swim. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the watchman appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.
"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

"Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't," he replied.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young French girl was visiting New York when her cash funds run dry and her visa expired. She met a sailor who agreed to stow her aboard his ship that was about to sail. Every day he would bring her food and drink and in return all she had to do was give him a bit of love. Lacking much choice, the girl agreed.
And so everyday, the sailor brought some food and would get some loving in return. This went on for several weeks until the captain saw the sailor sneaking around with a tray of food and the whole affair was uncovered. The captain felt obliged to apologize to the girl:

"I'm very sorry about all that has happened to you, but you have to admit the sailor is smart. Do you know you're on the Staten Island Ferry?"

[thedrifter]

Safety


The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you," he said.

"But George," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

[thedrifter]

An object in motion...


This story involves railroad cars, Denver and a fascinating gadget used in auto wrecking yards called a "chipper." Apparently this device is fed old auto carcasses, and it in turn produces manageable-sized "chips" of metal.

Seems that on this eventful evening, four gondola cars were filled by a chipper and headed out of Denver around dusk. Somewhere along the track, on an uphill grade, something mechanical failed on one of the cars, and the train pulled to a siding to uncouple it. The dutiful crew chocked the wheels with rocks, wood chunks, etc. and then proceeded to unhook the car.

Seems no one had the slightest idea of the mass being packed in that unit, as the rocks/wood held it in place for about 6 seconds. Since the crew had not yet re-switched the tracks (they thought the rest of the train would be returning to the main line) the gondola car soon found itself back on the main trackline, heading back into Denver.

The engineer sprinted to the engine and full-throttled the thing after the car. After 15 minutes, he still didn't even have a visual on it, so he abandoned the engine, flagged down the nearest car, and drove to the nearest station, from which he radioed the situation that this car was cranking toward town and no one knew exactly where it was.

The station crews immediately calculated the correct combination of switches to route this car on the straightest course thru Denver, the rail yard, and out the other side, then remotely downed every crossing gate they could, followed by dispatching crews, cops and civil servants to down the rest of the crossing arms manually and staff the intersections.

Several witnesses testified that the gondola car passed their locations at between 85 and 90 MPH.

Whilst traversing the rail yard, the car was forced to execute a slight left-hand curve in the track on its way out of Denver. The "post mortem" revealed that the curved section of track was "stretched" and displaced 8 feet to the right by the car.

Immediately upon leaving the yard, two of the fastest engines they had were dispatched, full-throttle, in hot pursuit of the errant gondola car. Since dusk had now turned into evening, no one could get a visual on the car, but it did proceed out of Denver until it hit yet another uphill grade, at which time the pendulum effect took over...

The drivers of the engines (serially-coupled) suddenly saw a dark blob approaching them on the track, They quickly (?) slammed the engines into reverse, but could see after about a minute that they were not gaining any ground on this car, so they jumped from the cab.

One of them, looking back at the impact, noted that, although the mass of the two engines was sufficient to stop the car, the front coupling assembly of the lead engine was obliterated, and the front engine was "lifted in place and set back down" by the impact.

[thedrifter]

Aliens among us


This was a one panel cartoon in "Aboriginal Science Fiction."

On the bridge of a flying saucer, flying over the Earth: An alien soldier and his commander.

Soldier to commander: "Well, now that we've captured their king they'll have to surrender!"

Behind them, bound and gagged: Elvis.

[Osotogary]

I modified your story somewhat and turned it into a cartoon.
Gary

[thedrifter]

Eskimo


tourist goes to the pole, and meets an Eskimo.

"During the summer you don't have any nights, and during the winter you don't have any days... What do you do during that endless summer day?" he asks.

"We go fishing, and make love to our women," the Eskimo replies.

The tourist thinks a while, and asks another question:

"Then, what do you do during that endless winter night?"

Eskimo grins:

"We don't go fishing..."

[thedrifter]

Cricket match which is funnier than baseball

I am reminded of how this native went to his first cricket match and described it to his witchdoctor after he got back. I heard it when I was in college and have no idea where it originated.

He said, ``It was a beautiful sunny Sunday. A big crowd of people gathered around this giant grass field with a thin strip of mowed and flattened pitch in the middle. There were three sticks at either end of the strip. A man in a long overcoat came out with two men in sweaters and he tossed a coin in to the air. They went out and out came eleven men in sweaters and white pants. One of them was padded and had big gloves. Then out came two men with pads on their legs and small gloves holding big sticks. They took positions at either end of the strip and one of the other men came running towards the wickets and threw this ball at the person holding the stick. And lo and behold it started to pour.

``White man sure knows how to make rain.''

[thedrifter]

The hair o' the dog . . .


Apparently this woman's miniature schnauzer had an infection in its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the hair with a depilatory cream. The women went to a drug store and asked the druggist for assistance in selecting an appropriate product. He went on about how some were better for use on legs and how some were gentler and better for removing facial hair. He then said, "May I ask where you intend to use this?"

She replied "Well, it's for my schnauzer."

He said, "OK, but you shouldn't ride a bike for two weeks."

[thedrifter]

There were these two dogs...


There were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.

"What are you here for?" he asks.

"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand off."

"I don't blame you. So, what are you here for?"

"Erm... well... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going to be... you know... I'm going to have the operation..."

"Oh dear. I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.

Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.

"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"

"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.

"Go on, tell me. Please..."

"OK. Well, it's like this. The ***** next door was in heat, and so I was feeling... you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't resist it!" admitted the dog.

"Oh, so you're here for the operation too, then."

"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"

[thedrifter]

99 Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early

. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies--she's much
better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who
came to see her when she thought she was dying.
6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was
the only time they would come.
7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the
only time they would come.
8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards
on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about
whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to
the ceremony.
10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the
ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half
an hour it'll be locked up all weekend.
12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half
an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems
wide awake).
13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My truss snapped.
17. My support hose popped.
18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
19. I'm arranging financing for a house.
20. I'm arranging financing for a car.
21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.
22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the
only time they could deliver it.
23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this
was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think
this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse
that can't be used by just anybody. But if it's close to accurate,
it's extremely effective.)
25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.
27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.
28. My back aches.
29. My stomach aches.
30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover,"
especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
31. My biological clock is ticking.
32. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish
are getting freezer burn.
35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running.
The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.
39. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
40. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
41. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
42. I think I left the iron on.
43. I think I left the water on.
44. I think I left the refrigerator on.
45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
48. I have to have my waistband let out.
49. I have to have my watchband let out.
50. I have to have my son's rock band let out.
51. I'm having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
I won't be able to work afterwards.
52. I'm having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
I won't be able to work afterwards.
53. I'm having my hats checked this noon, and I'll be having a drop or
two so I won't be able to work afterwards.
54. I'm having a root canal.
55. I'm having a tax audit.
56. I'm going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that
beating a dead horse?)
57. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
58. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than
$100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
59. I need to break into my kid's piggy bank while he's not home.
60. I have to renew my driver's license.
61. I have to get new license plates.
62. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty
bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny
problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN
I have to breeze by and renew my driver's license and get new
license plates.
63. I've got an urgent session with my therapist.
64. I've got a really urgent session with my therapist.
65. I've ... I ... I'm not ... I don't ... I CAN'T COPE
WITH THIS!!
66. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
67. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
68. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
69. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
70. My rheumatism is acting up; there's going to be a terrible tornado.
71. My arthritis is acting up; there's going to be a terrible blizzard.
72. The pharaoh is acting up; there's going to be a terrible rain of
frogs.
73. I need to give blood.
74. I need to give evidence.
75. I need to give up.
76. I'm going to my best friend's engagement party.
77. I'm going to my best friend's wedding.
78. I'm going to my best friend's divorce. (We all knew it wouldn't
last; at the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
79. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
80. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don't pay them I'm
going to be arrested.
81. The police are at the back door. Cover me.
82. I'm having my nails done.
83. I'm having my colors done.
84. I'm having my head examined.
85. I'm going to the bank.
86. I'm going to sleep.
87. I'm going over the edge.
88. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
89. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
90. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
91. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
92. I need to check into a rest home
93. I'm breaking in my shoes.
94. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.
95. I'm breaking out.
96. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
97. I have to pick out a car.
98. I have to pick on my kids.
99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on
Christian fundamentalists. I thought I'd go to a ball game instead.

[thedrifter]

Cute Reading

The Lesson:

The Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying:


Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they who thirst justice.
Blessed are you when persecuted.
Blessed are you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven...

Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And James said, "Will we have a test on it?"
And Phillip said, "What if we don't know it?"
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And Matthew said, "When do we get out of here?"
And Judas said, "What does this have to do with the real life?"



Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' Lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain... and Jesus wept.

[thedrifter]

Collection of cute sayings.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A king's castle is his home.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
Brain--the apparatus with which we think that we think.
BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Courage is your greatest present need.
CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying "slow down."
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad...
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep till noon.
Drive defensively--buy a tank.
Earn cash in your spare time--blackmail friends.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Familiarity breeds children.
God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself--historians merely repeat each other.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein
It works better if you plug it in.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury--Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
KODACLONE - duplicating film.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Life's a *****, then you die.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm.
QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The road to to success is always under construction.
Those who can't write, write help files.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When in doubt, don't bother.
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol.
YTERM - A terminal program for queries.
When in doubt, ignore it.
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

[thedrifter]

Like ships in the night

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that they will tend to overdramatise the affair.

We had just picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from changing the 'G' flag for the 'H' and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty rolling the 'G' flag up, I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to the last part, I told him to "let go," the lad although willing is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.

At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having been plotting the vessel's progress and, thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the "let go" to the third officer on the fo'cstle. The port anchor having been cleared away but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the "pipe" while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out "by the roots." I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans the tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degrees and asked if there was a film tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems.

At the moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's towing spring down onto the tug.

The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in under the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was answering my double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of that vessel.

It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

It never fails to amaze me the actions and behaviour of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records.

The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my crew.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the fo'cstle. These particulars will enable us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the #1 hold.

I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.

It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.

For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty numbers T/750101 to T750119 inclusive.

Yours truly

Master

[thedrifter]

Regarding marshmallows

Regarding the story about the Kraft marshmallow dispenser:

David Letterman does a sketch entitled "Supermarket finds," where his staff collects supermarket products and makes fun of them. Recently, he displayed Kraft Marshmallows and their claim about being

"The official marshmallow of the Starship U.S.S. Enterprise.(TM)"

And he then remarked, "Funny, I thought that was William Shatner's job."

[thedrifter]

Cereal Killers

Last night, while grocery shopping, I found a rather unusual item on the shelves. After filling my basket with Stouffer's Yuppie Chow, I strolled down the cereal aisle, where I saw several boxes of a substance labeled "Nintendo Cereal System." I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all, cartoon characters have been "endorsing" cereals for years, so why shouldn't Super Mario Brothers get into the act?

I see tremendous potential here. What better way for an organization with a sociopolitical agenda to infiltrate the minds and stomachs of Americans than to deliver its message at the breakfast table? I have seen the future of public relations, and it is the gastronomic equivalent of a "sound bite." I, for one, would rather sit down to a bowl of whale-shaped granola than receive another one of those envelopes from Greenpeace marked, "Animal Rights Survey Inside--Please Complete and Return Within Ten Days."

Not surprisingly, I have a few ideas:




Golden Graham- |The key to a balanced diet. Need I say more?
Rudmans

Special KKK |Even white supremacists need their minimum daily
|requirement of riboflavin. Try it with some grits.

Sugar Frosted |The pro-choice cereal. Stays crunchy in milk (or
Fetuses |saline solution). Anti-abortionists will have to
|make do with a box of Life.

Mothers Against |Send in three proof-of-purchase seals and
Drunk Driving Oats |receive a free breathalyzer.

Rifle Krispies |Specially marked boxes contain armor-piercing
|bullets. Cereal doesn't kill people. People
|kill people.

Rocky Tobacco Road |Brought to you by the tobacco industry, this is
|the only cereal that simultaneously satisfies your
|cravings for chocolate and nicotine, so light up
|a bowl for breakfast. Also available in menthol.

Khokhomeini Puffs |Some third world marketeer could capitalize on this
|idea in the aftermath of the demise of everyone's
|favorite mullah. Woe be to the infidels who fail
|to start their day with a bowl of little chocolate
|ayatollahs! Free "Death to America" decal inside!

[thedrifter]

A Paratrooper's First Jump

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

[Art Petersn]

Subject: A VERY BAD DAY

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that,
I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open
the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the
door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.

[Osotogary]

Some things, sometimes, seem to fall off by themselves.
I'm falling apart but, luckily, nothing has fallen off.
Gary

[marinemom]

The perfect solution for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict has been
found.

Since the Palestinians want a homeland, but no one wants to chop Israel up into even smaller pieces than it already is, let's let the Palestinians have France!

The French have already stated that nothing is worth fighting for.
Besides, France has better irrigation and soil than the West Bank and Gaza strip.

Its the perfect solution. The French won't even fight back.

And how about a new name for this Franco-Palestine? How about
Frankenstein?

Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with France.

[Art Petersn]

marinemom

I think you might have posted in the wrong place.

This doesn't sound like a joke. It just might work.

[thedrifter]

Bear bells


guy walks into this sporting goods store in Alaska, immediately spies a rather haggard-looking old salt of a store clerk sitting by the cash register.

"Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"

"Yep," answers the clerk.

"Big bears?"

"Yep."

"Mean bears?"

"Yep."

"Black bears?"

"Yep."

"GRIZZLIES???!"

"Yep."

"Got any bear bells?"

"What's dat?"

"You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so bears know yer in the perimiter so's they can runs away ..."

"Yep. Over yonder ..."

"Great. I'll take one fer black bears, and one fer grizzlies. Say, how'd you know if yer in black bear country anyway?"

"Look fer scatt."

"Oh. Well, how how'd you know if there's GRIZZLIES????!"

"Look fer scatt."

"You just said that!"

"Yeah. But grizzly scatt's different."

"Well now, just what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"

"Bear bells."

[thedrifter]

Appl. to live in West Virginia

APPLICATION TO LIVE IN WEST VIRGINIA


Name:______________ Nickname:____________ CB Handle:____________

Address: (RFD):____________________________________________ _____

Daddy: (If unknown attach list of three suspects):_____________________

Mamma:_______________________________

Neck Shade: [] Light Red [] Medium Red [] Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper:______ Lower:________

Name of Pickup Owned:______________ Height of truck:__________

Truck Equipped with:
[] Gun Rack [] 4-Wheel Drive [] Confederate Flag [] Toothpick Holder
[] 8-Track [] Load of Wood [] Hijacker Shocks [] Mud-grip Tires
[] Big Dog [] Racoon Hide [] Dual CB Antenna [] Fuzz Buster
[] Spitoon [] Camper Top [] Mag Wheels [] Air Horns
[] Mud Flaps

Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:_________

Bumper Stickers:
[] Eat More Possum [] Peanut Butter [] Honk if You Love Jesus
[] Wave if You're Horny [] Redman Chewing Tobacco

Define the following (Must be 90% correct):
[] Grits [] Muscadine [] Cobbler [] Tater
[] Goobers [] Brogans [] Fatback [] Pig Skins
[] Collards [] Redeye Gravy [] Tote [] Pinto Beans
[] Sidemeat [] Sawmill Gravy [] Poke [] Turnip Salit
[] Chitlins [] Soppin Syrup [] Cracker [] ****-on-Shingle
[] Ramps

Favorite Vocalist:
[] Donna Fargo [] Conway Twitty [] Loretta Lynn [] Hank Williams
[] Elvis [] Slim Whitman [] Tammy Wynette [] Porter Wagoner
[] Johnny Cash [] Willie Nelson [] George Jones [] Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:
[] Square Dancin' [] Possum Huntin' [] Skinny Dippin'
[] Craw Daddin' [] Gospel Singin' [] 4-Wheelin'
[] Drankin' [] Bull Chip Throwin' [] Blue Grass Conventions
[] Spitten' backy [] Other

Weapons Owned:
[] Deer Rifle [] Bird Gun [] Varmit Rifle [] Sawed-off Shotgun
[] Tire Iron [] Pick Handle [] Log Chain [] Power (chain) saw

Number of Hound Dogs:___ Type: [] Blue Tick [] Black & Tan [] Beagle

Emblem: [] John Deere [] CAT [] Budweiser [] McCullock Chain Saw
[] PBR [] NAPA [] Coors [] Skoals

Number of Weeks Unemployed:_____
Number of Welfare Checks Received:_____

Number of Dependents (Legal):______ (Claimed):______

Memberships:
[] KKK [] NRA [] Moose [] PTL Club [] VFW [] American Legion
[] Bass Club [] United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy

Length of Left Leg:______ Length of Right Leg:______

Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color,
Primer Red?______

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?______

How many kitchen appliances (working or not) will you keep on your front
porch?______

Will you be a part of the West Virginia Intelligentsia with a measurable
IQ?______

Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?______

Do you own any shoes, if so how many? ______
What year did you last purchase shoes? ______

Are you married to any of the following?
[] Sister [] Cousin [] Sow Do you know her name? ______

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?______

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?______

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?______

Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on? ______
To 21 with your fly up? ______

Medical Information:
Do you have at least 2 of the following:
[] BO [] Crabs [] Head Lice [] Bad Breath
[] Scabies [] Trench Mouth [] Runny Nose

Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______

Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week? ______

[thedrifter]

You get what you pay for


A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.

He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my `wife' here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

[thedrifter]

Ireland forever


There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.

When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.

The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or Protestant?"

The American thinks to himself "Great--if I say I'm Catholic, this guy is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish." This, he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe.

The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland."

[thedrifter]

Up a creek


A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide,

"The Drums have stopped, What happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said:

"Bass Solo"

[thedrifter]

You can't get there from here


A cabbie is driving by the Empire State Building one day when he's flagged down by a fellow with a neat moustache, wearing a bowler hat and carrying an umbrella. The fellow gets into the cab.

"Where to?" asks the cabbie.

"Trafalgar Square, if you please," replies the fare in a clipped English public-school accent.

The cabbie doesn't bat an eyelash. "That's fifty-percent extra for out-of-town trips," he says, "and ya gotta pay all tolls an' ferry fares."

"Very well," replies the English gentleman, and so off they go. The cabbie drives to Kennedy International, arranges the trip to London, and drives his cab into the hold of a huge auto-transport plane. All the way across the Atlantic they fly, the meter running all the while. (Fifteen cents per sixty seconds not in motion, you know.) When they arrive at Heathrow they disembark, and the cabbie drives to Trafalgar Square.

The English gentleman pays the fare and a good tip besides and disappears into the crowd. The cabbie decides that he may not ever have another chance to see London, so he'll drive around a bit before going back. While he's sightseeing, another fellow by the curb flags him down and gets in the cab.

"Flatbush Avenue, please."

The cabbie scowls back at him and shouts, "I don't go ta Brooklyn!"

[thedrifter]

Trains


Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

[thedrifter]

Seminarians


Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination were taken by an old priest into a luxurious room, told to strip and then tie a small bell around their organ. Suddenly a ravishing girl entered the room, and one bell ding-a-linged furiously. "To the showers, Fogarty!" barked the old priest.

Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling.

"Sorry about that, O'Brian. The showers for you, too."

Finally alone with the naked lovely, the remaining seminarian watched as the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow remained calm and the bell silent.

"Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone!" the priest exulted. "You made it! Now go join those weaker souls in the showers."

Ding-a-ling.

[thedrifter]

Cowboy and the horse


Old west... A bar... All of a sudden, the door opens with a kick, and a cowboy in black enters... Black hat, black foulard, black shirt,