Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Stress


PUT MORE STRESS INTO YOUR LIFE!


Refuse to take action on nagging problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if possible, lose some sleep over them.

Make a concerted effort to take note of irritations in your life and blow them out of proportion.

Consider the power of negative thinking.

Hide your sense of humour. Erase the words smile, joke, and laugh from your vocabulary; concentrate on frowning.

If you've been working a 60 hour week, try 65 or 70 or 75! Spending more time at work will give you less time to consider how stressed you are.

Consume vast quantities of caffeine. As a stimulant it will ensure that you are awake day and night.

Practice the art of ``hurry up and wait.'' This means dashing off to join a line-up somewhere - like the bank, cinema, or ticket outlet.

Make sure you drive no further than two feet from the car in front.

To relieve boredom while waiting for traffic lights, pretend you are on the starting grid for the Indy 500.

Never read a book or listen to music.

Play ``Hide and Seek'' by concealing important documents from yourself.

Delegate nagging problems. You've proved that you can't deal with them.

Tell yourself that your abilities are unlimited. Do not waver from this conviction until you are fired for lack of competence.

Giggle nervously. It will make other people nervous, meetings will be unproductive and you won't come away with a long list of things to do.

Find a disagreeable tennis partner. Perhaps your spouse.

When feeling stressful, breathe deeply and hyperventilate until you pass out.

Take up gardening. Nothing can be more stressful if you don't like it.

When things are going badly, knock your head against the wall. The resulting headache will supersede the original problem.

[thedrifter]

Stress Diet (from sci.med)


The following diet has been circulated at one of the local clinics. Some may find it stimulating.



BREAKFAST:
---------
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz skim milk

LUNCH:
------
4 oz lean Broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo Cookie
Herb tea

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
-------
Rest of package of Oreos
1 qt. rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge

DINNER:
-------
2 loaves garlic bread
Large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
Large pitcher beer (any brand - it all comes from the same horse, anyway)
3 Milky Way bars
Entire Sara Lee cheesecake - direct from freezer.






DIET TIPS






If no one sees you eat it --- it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel each other out.
When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts such as: Hot Chocolate, Brandy, Toast and Sarah Lee cheesecake.
If YOU fatten up EVERYONE ELSE around you--then YOU look thinner.
Movie related foods don't count because they are simply part of the entire entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel, such as Milk Duds, popcorn with extra butter, and Junior Mints.

[thedrifter]

Rest in Peace


A man is holding his wife's hand as she lays on her death bed.

"Jerry, I, . . ., I have something to tell you before I pass on."

"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well."

"No, Jerry. I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I, . . ., I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry."

"Yes, dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

[thedrifter]

Mark Twain's plan for the improvement of spelling


A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling



by Mark Twain


For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s," and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c," "y" and "x"--bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez--tu riplais "ch," "sh," and "th" rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

[thedrifter]

Two Morons Fishing

Two morons, Tom and Jack, were sitting in a bar one day, when two fishermen walked in with 2 huge trout, one of the morons asked where the guys got the fish, and the fishermen told the morons that they go down to the bridge, one guy would hold the other by the ankles until a fish was caught.

The morons figured that they could to that.

After holding Tom for about 20 minutes, Jack asked Tom if he had anything, and the reply was "no." About 20 more minutes passes, so Jack asked again, and again the reply was "no." Finally, Tom yelled "Pull me up!! Pull me up!!" Jack exclaimed "Ya got one?" Tom said, "No! a train is coming!!"

[thedrifter]

Scientific Research


Dedicated to all married scientists:

There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late.

His story:

"Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some rather good-looking young women, and started to drink to excess; things just kept happening, as you can well see. I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed home."

She said, "YOU LIAR!! YOU WERE IN THE LAB AGAIN, WEREN'T YOU???!!!"

[thedrifter]

The Eyes Have it

And now for a joke (that I probably heard here):

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'

[thedrifter]

Telephone man in the army


telphone man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why.

"What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"

"I was a telephone man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."

The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!

"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"

[thedrifter]

Mildly off color story using fractured French

This story is old and is from a time when even in France certain rubber and leather goods were not openly sold.)

An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late.

First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?" (1)

The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our friend directions. The store--if that is what it is--looks a little seedy and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our friend. He speaks first:

"M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."

"Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un capeau noir?"

"Ma femme est morte."

"O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!"




(1) The story hinges on the pun: chapeau(hat)--capeau(slang for condom)

[thedrifter]

A Pig who Wanted to Get Weighed

This one was on the radio this morning. I didn't hear who the originator was, so I can't give credit where it's due.)

So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.

The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds."

He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, "This one's twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!"

"Sure I can," said the farmer, "Watch this." He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs twenty pounds."

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.

After five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can't come out just yet," the boy said. "She's weighing the mailman."

[thedrifter]

Standard Disclaimer

Standard Disclaimer

From: Marc Kriguer <REMARCK@UCLASSCF>
(Origin: Dave's Fido, Gardner, MA)


This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles.

[thedrifter]

Polish Bank Joke

Back during the Solidarity days, I heard that the following joke was being told in Poland:

A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous.

"What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?" he asks.

"Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw."

"But, what if the Bank of Warsaw fails?"

"Well, there'd be no problem, because the Bank of Warsaw is insured by the National Bank of Poland."

"And if the National Bank of Poland fails?"

"Then your money would be insured by the Bank of Moscow."

"And what if the Bank of Moscow fails?"

"Then your money would be insured by the Great Bank of the Soviet Union."

"And if that bank fails?"

"Well, in that case, you'd lose all your money. But, wouldn't it be worth it?"

[thedrifter]

Texans and New Yorkers

In article <256@uvicctr.UUCP> sdean1@uvicctr.UUCP (Steven A. Dean) writes:


A woman from Texas and a woman from New York meet at a party. The woman from Texas says to the woman from New York; "Hi! Where y'all from?"
The woman from New York replies, "Where I come from we don't end our sentences with prepositions..."

So the woman from Texas says, "Fine! Where y'all from, *****?!"

A few minutes later, the woman from New York meets the woman from Texas' husband. She's steamed at the Texas broad, so she asks (in a verrrrrry suggestive voice) "Is there anything I can do for you, handsome??"

"Welllll," replies the Texan, "I sure could use a piece of ass."

The woman from New York nods, takes the Texan into the bedroom, takes off all of her clothes, takes off all of his clothes, and engages in a hot session of mad passionate lovemaking with him. After they are done, she again says suggestively, "Now, handsome, is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Well, ma'am," he replies, "I could still use that piece of ass for my drink."

[Barrio_rat]

If men wrote problem pages...


Q : My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[Barrio_rat]

SEVEN REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK...


1. CURL UP AND DIE........I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" Melinda Lowe, 39, SeguinTX

2. PAD PLEASE.......... An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem,NC

3. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! Name Withheld

4. LADY GOLFER................ I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store! . He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

5. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red an! d walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

6. PRICELESS.............A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

7. MOM'S ADVICE......... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised an! d he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the nurse's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom. "she screamed. "I did," he said "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she would come and get me."

[Barrio_rat]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired.. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact,that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... Excited?", my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two Hamsters - 10 bucks...
One Cage - 20 bucks
One Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless!

[Barrio_rat]

Last Meal

[Barrio_rat]

I lost my job today.

I did exactly what the boss told me to do!

I followed all the rules, and never once disrespected anybody.

Then, the first time I ever had a chance to drive one of them fork lifts, I made one little mistake, and everyone starts running around in circles screaming and shouting.

You would have thought the world was coming to an end the way people were looking at me afterwards!

I don't understand it. I didn't mean to do it. It was an accident. Everyone messes up; it could've happened to anyone!

Good grief! Haven't you ever made a mistake?

[Barrio_rat]

A physician was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several moments of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row timidly raised his hand and asked, "Wedding cake?"

[Barrio_rat]

Recently I read an article that stated: The best way to achieve inner peace is to Finish Things You Have Started.

So today I finished two large bags of potato chips, the last half of a lemon cream pie, a nearly full bottle of Jose Cuervo, a small box of Godiva Chocolates and I slapped the crap out of someone I have never liked.

I feel better than I have felt for a long time.

Please pass this along to a friend who is in need of Inner Peace.

[Barrio_rat]

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The Doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

"Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, twenty unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, forty walnuts and forty peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

[Barrio_rat]

Sweet nothings???

This is a great example of "did I say that out loud???"

This happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.

A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.

Have a good day."

[Barrio_rat]

LITTLE BILLY!

Good 'ole little Billy strikes again....

LITTLE BILLY ON ..GETTING OLDER

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fvcking business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?" "What's the fvcking difference? " asks the father. "That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful." Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!"

[Barrio_rat]

1 blonde to another

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde.

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note....

Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!

[Barrio_rat]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Barrio_rat]

Tampons...?

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir,I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers.... 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper'.

So....I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she...."

[Barrio_rat]

Fitting...

[thedrifter]

NutWorks Dating Issue

Selections from:
NutWorks Electronic Humor Magazine.


Issue022, (Volume VI, Number II). February, 1988.
Special Valentine's Day Issue!


NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>


"Shower the people you love with love."
--James Taylor
"Shower with the people you love."
--Anonymous


Lover's Quiz #1
===============
by David Asa Wacks with Hugh Cushing
(Dave got paid a lot more, though)


Hey guys & gals! Are you HARD UP? This simple quiz can let you know how hard you're going to have to work to get a Valentine. Score yourself as follows: 1 point for each A, 2 points for each B, 3 points for each C, and 10 points for each D.


1. You are taking a guy/girl on a first date. How much are you willing
to spend?
A. Guest meal at campus dining services
B. $5.00 for a few slices
C. A nice Chinese dinner, maybe $25.00 tops
D. The price of your physics textbook

2. Sitting on your dorm steps you spot a potential scoop. Your first
course of action is to:
A. Start up a lively, interesting conversation
B. Use one of your favorite lines
C. Propose a temporary marriage - say for the weekend
D. Knock him/her over the head with your physics textbook and drag
him/her back to your friend's single

3. Your definition of "blue balls" is:
A. A solid and a stripe in billiards
B. Those little styrofoam things on the inside of a beanbag
C. A painful need for a cold shower
D. Fig. 42, p. 189 demonstrating variable density in your physics
textbook

4. If she says, "no" she means:
A. No
B. Probably not
C. Yes
D. She's gagged and can't answer

5. Attendance at campus dining services per 19-meal-a-week allotment
A. 0-10
B. 11-14
C. 15-19
D. 38 - You steal your roomie's card

6. Average time spent on toilet seat/day:
A. 2 min.
B. 4 min.
C. 6 min.
D. Long enough to read a few pages of physics

7. Amount of time spent perusing the freshman face book/day
A. 2-5 min.
B. 5-7 min.
C. 7-10 min.
D. Fall asleep with it

8. Qualifications for your blind date:
A. No imperfections
B. No boy/girlfriend
C. No particular desire to be seen with you
D. No sarcoma

9. Typical topic of conversation on blind date:
A. Sunsets
B. Bork
C. How he/she's doing
D. Robotics

10. Typical conclusion to blind date:
A. Bought a futon together
B. Got phone number
C. Lost him/her in crowd
D. Temporary restraining order

Results:
10-20 You're doin' OK, dude(tte).
21-40 Things could be better.
41-60 Better watch yourself at social functions.
61-100 Yessir, maybe a nocturnal trip to the petting zoo is in order.

[thedrifter]

How to Get a Date


How to Get the Man/Woman/Other(please state) of your Choice





First locate your target. Your best chance of doing this is by going to one of those wild parties which result in pairs of bodies being strewn all over the stairs within a couple of hours of starting. However, since I never get invited to that sort of party, I'm blowed if I can see why I should help those of you who do. So I won't. So there.

Having located your target, the next step is to find out where said target lives. This is easily done by following her/him until you reach a door which they go in and lock. This will either be their room or the bathroom, and if you can't tell the difference then you're beyond hope.

Next you need to establish contact. Knock on the target's door, and when it is opened, say, "Excuse me, but I wanted to leave a message for so-and-so upstairs, but he/she/it isn't in. Can I borrow a pen and paper to leave a note please?" Having borrowed this, make sure that you leave something behind when you go. This means that you can go back and collect it sometime.


DANGER SIGNS: A wedding or engagement ring.
A photo of a stunning individual by the bed.
The presence of a stunning individual in the bed.
A very rapid ushering out of the room.
Phrases such as, "Get lost, you pervert!"

GOOD SIGNS: Him/her/it falling into your arms on your next visit.
A return visit armed with red rose.



As you can see, there are more danger signs than good signs, so if at first you don't succeed, don't worry...there are plenty more toads in the bog! A good strategy is ending up on the doorstep looking very pathetic, which can get you invited in for a coffee so you can work on your chat-up lines. One line you should never use if you want to leave their room with the same number of limbs as you went in with is, "Do you come here often?" It is the target's room after all.
HAPPY HUNTING!!!

[thedrifter]

Lover's Quiz #2
===============
by Jazzman



A questionnaire to test your Valentine's Day eligibility. Section One is for women, Section Two for men.

Section One (Women):


1. When on a date, I like to go:
A) to a quiet dinner, a movie, and then straight home (+5)
B) to Burger King, to a drive-in, then to his place for
a few drinks (+10)
C) anywhere that no one can see or hear what we do (+15)

2. When I get into the car on a date, I sit:
A) across the seat, more or less melting into the door (-5)
B) next to my date (+10)
C) on my date's lap (+15)

3. When my date tries to put his arm around me, I:
A) firmly remove his arm and tell him that I'm not that
kind of girl (-5)
B) move cautiously closer to him (+5)
C) consider this only the beginning of a long, fun-filled
evening (+15)

4. When I kiss on a Valentine's date, I:
A) do not kiss on Valentine's dates (-5)
B) kiss goodnight at my door (no tongues) (+0)
C) consider this only the beginning of a long,
fun-filled evening (+15)

5. If asked out for a second date after Valentine's, I:
A) blush, ask him to call me later, and call home
to ask permission from my mom (-10)
B) consider his motives and accept if I find them
within the realm of my morals (+10)
C) consider his performance and accept if he
played three or more encores (+20)

Scoring for Women:

-20 TO 10 POINTS: Oh please. You couldn't get a date if you paid for
one. You should consider interspecies dates as your
only available option for romance.

15 TO 65 POINTS: You're interested in men but are either too shy or
emotionally unstable. A Valentine's date for you is a
horror of hand-slapping and cautious drink-sipping.
Relax. It's just an innocent date. Trust me!

70 TO 105 POINTS: Yah! Love ya! You consider nylons and garter belts
kinky but don't think twice about wearing black
leather, rubber clothing, or whipping your chained
partner into submission. There's nothing I could teach
you about dating that you don't already know. Hit me
with your best shot!

Section Two (Men):

1. When on a date, I like to go:
A) to a quiet dinner, a PG movie, and have her home by 11 (-5)
B) out for a beer and then back to my place and pass out together (+5)
C) back to my place for erotic fun (+15)

2. When I pick her up, I:
A) remind her to fasten her seatbelt (-10)
B) make conversation by inquiring about her class schedule (+5)
C) remove the beer cans from under her feet and attack
her while telling her how much I respect her (+15)

3. My dates usually say:
A) "Have you ever done this before?" (-10)
B) "Wake up, dammit! I'm not through yet!" (-5)
C) "Let's try one more time and make it an even dozen!" (+20)

4. When I kiss my Valentine's date, I:
A) don't try to kiss my date, I don't wish to compromise her integrity
or give her the wrong impression of my motives (-10)
B) kiss her goodnight and tell her what a great time I
had (even if I didn't) (+5)
C) seldom stop until I've reached her ankles (+15)

5. When I ask her for date following Valentine's, I:
A) respect her desire to contemplate our relationship
and agree to call her after she has had an opportunity
to consider her position and make a responsible decision (-5)
B) wonder what I'm going to get on the next date if she
kissed on the first one (+5)
C) ask her during breakfast in bed (+15)

Scoring for Men:

-25 TO 10 POINTS: You're too old-fashioned for the women of the 80's.
Sex is a mystery to you and you bore the hell out of
your mother. Do yourself and the world a favor: commit
yourself to Depo-Provera treatments and become an
accountant.
15 TO 65 POINTS: You enjoy women but havn't quite figured out what
any woman could possibly see in you. Good point. It's
not hopeless, however, with a little work and effort,
you too could soon be on your way to successful
dating.
65 TO 100 POINTS: You're a man of the world who is well versed in the
art of give and take. You know what a woman wants and
you're not afraid to give it to her. You lead a hard
and arduous life trying to satisfy the many women
around you. You'll make an excellent Valentine date
for any mature woman.

[thedrifter]

Thrill of the hunt


A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!"

So ... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer lady..It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!"

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Reasons for Not Graduating

Top Ten Excuses Why You Haven't Graduated Yet



10. Recurring bouts of malaria slow research.
9. Cost of translation from Ancient Sumerian limits
obtainability of important research materials.
8. Can't remember anything that happened in 1986.
7. Six month sabbatical to train for World Bellyflop
Championships (placed sixth, highest U.S. finisher).
6. I.M. coaching position a lifelong responsibility.
5. Certain I can win with a female gnome paladin.
4. Could type a lot faster on a Dvorak keyboard.
3. Wasted time memorizing UUCP map of the US and
Australia.
2. Thought the major field exam was "just a joke" until too late.

And the Best Reason for Not Yet Graduating:

1. Could have finished years ago, but wanted dissertation to rhyme.

[thedrifter]

Anti-Chain Letter


This is not a chain letter. It was not started decades ago in the Netherlands, nor was it perpetrated centuries ago by some deranged monk on Easter Island (which is highly unlikely in the first place, since EMACS only works on smart display terminals, and they weren't available on Easter Island back then, due largely to the U.S. state department's vigorous ban on exportation of advanced technology to deranged monks on equatorial islands).

There is no luck associated with this letter. Hence, it is pointless to send five copies of this letter to people you like. In fact, it is vigorously discouraged, since, by sending this letter through the postal service, you are needlessly burdening an already overworked system. You also increase the chance of the postal service losing mail. Murphy's Law will take effect here, resulting in your letter being delivered the next day, and a Red Cross package to a needy individual in Zimbabwe to be accidentally re-routed to Hackensack, New Jersey, thus becoming lost forever. You do not stand a chance, however, of displacing any junk mail.

If you break the chain, and fail to send five copies of this letter to other unfortunate individuals, then absolutely nothing extraordinary will happen to you. If, on the other hand, you do propagate five copies of this letter, then absolutely nothing extraordinary will happen to you, either.

[thedrifter]

Your boss may be an alien!


YOUR CO-WORKER COULD BE A SPACE ALIEN, SAY EXPERTS ... here's how you can tell (by Michael Cassels of the "National Inquirer")

Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human - but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts.

They listed 10 signs to watch for:

1. Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens don't fully understand the different styles, so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.

2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might eat French fires with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of pills, the experts say.

3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.

4. Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton, a theoretical biologist and futurist.

5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens are constantly gathering information." said Steiger.

6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.

7. Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that seem stupid, Easton said.

"For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth of July," noted Steiger.

8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends," said Steiger.

9. Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to speaking as we do, so an alien may practice speaking," Steiger noted.

10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.

[thedrifter]

More Supposedly Real Funny Sentences

I found these sentences in a book which claims that they are from actual newspaper articles:


Great care must be exercised in tying horses to trees, as they are apt to bark.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery; we do it carefully by hand.
After Governor Baldridge watched the lion perform, he was taken to Main Street and fed twenty-five pounds of red meat in front of the Fox Theater.
The Duchess handled the launching beautifully, confidently smashing the champagne against the prow. The crowd cheered as she majestically slid down the greasy runway into the sea.
Anti-nuclear protestors released live cockroaches inside the White House Friday, and these were arrested when they left and blocked a security gate.
I worry about these people.

[thedrifter]

Nothing can stop the US Air Force


An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

[thedrifter]

Give that man a hand

This yuppie had just gotten his first BMW and wanted to show it off to his friends. So he goes motoring up Broadway, and parks at his friends apartment. He was so excited that he forgot to look when he opened the door. Just then, a taxi comes screaming up and neatly removes the door from the car, along with the guy's left arm.

The guy jumps out of his car and starts screaming, "My BMW, my BMW!" The taxi driver comes running up, and says, "Listen, you're in shock, your arm was taken off and you're losing a lot of blood."

The yuppie just notices that his arm was ripped off and starts to yell, "My Rolex, my Rolex!!"

[thedrifter]

Penis Length Survey


Penis Length Survey
Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have devised the following foolproof test.


Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).
Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is ``1234567890-+'' the backspace key removes the `.)
Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.
Please post your results to net.general and I'll summarize to everyone on the net by personal mail.

Cautions

Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place two keyboards end to end.
If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.
On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT.
Remember, Larry Bud Melman is not an attorney.

Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders:


Test Results Diagnosis

1 You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.

12wgui,l=]\ Seek immediate medical care.

[thedrifter]

What goes up...

Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity.

"Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they passed by.

The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"

[thedrifter]

If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?
> >
> >Personally, I think today's kids ought to do something really
special
> >for their Mothers on Mother's Day -- like move out!
> >
> >Hey guys -- looking for a great gift for your Mother-in-Law on
> >Mother's Day? Why not send her back her daughter???
> >
> >A single Mom was asked by a friend what her son was taking in
college.
> >With a sigh she replied, "Everything I have."
> >
> >Fathers -- take heart, your day is coming, and you can be sure of
> >getting at least one thing -- the bills from Mother's Day.
> >
> >Most Mothers are always amazed when their sons/daughters marry a
> >person with much lower mental capacity, ambition and moral
standards,
> >yet still manage to have utterly brilliant children.
> >
> >A daughter broke-up with her boyfriend. She asked her Mother's
advice
> >about returning the gifts he'd given her. Without a pause, her
Mother
> >replied, "Send back the stuffed animals and letters, but keep the
> >jewelry for sentimental reasons."
> >

[NamNuts]

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?". The lady say's "To kill my husband.
I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist. He looks at the photo and says; "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

[thedrifter]

Endangered species

(This joke comes from folk musician Art Thieme, who told it at a University of Chicago Folk festival)

A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter with a rifle and a dead loon.

"What in the world do you think you're doing? Don't you know that the loon is an endangered bird?"

Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger a trunk containing 12 more dead loons.

"What on earth are you going to do with 13 dead loons?" the ranger asked.

"My family eats them."

"Well, what does a loon taste like?"

"Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan..."

[thedrifter]

Nasty Practical Joke


And finally, the piece de resistance...find an untanned girl on the beach asleep in the sun face down with tanning oil on her back. Place a piece of paper on her back with something like "FREE SEX" cut out with stencils. The oil keeps it from blowing away, and after a few hours she has a nice message on her back. Note: I NEVER DID THAT!! In fact, I only heard people talk about it but never saw any proof. Sounds great but it's pretty mean.

[thedrifter]

Dear Abbie


A pregnant Gen.Ethnic writes:

Dear Abbie:

My husband cheats on me so much, how can I be sure this baby is his?"

[thedrifter]

Birds of a feather


It was finals week at the college. The students had filed into the auditorium, and picked up their blue-books for the test. This particular class had been in aviaian biology and identification. The professor was known to give very difficult finals, and weighed them heavily in the grade.

Looking down to the table in the front of the room, the students saw several stands with stuffed and mounted birds. They could see that they were birds, as the feet were visible below the burlap sacks that had been placed over them. And beside each was a small sign with a number.

The bell rang, the professor allowed a moment for the noise to die down, and them addressed the class. "Today's final will count, as you know, for a large percentage of the grade. But the directions for the test are simple. You are to identify each of the birds on the table before you. Write the number, and the latin and common name of the creature associated with it, on your paper. When you have completed the identifications, you may leave. Begin." With that he sat down.

One of the students, a few rows back from the front gestured for the profs attention, and asked a question, "Uh, professor, are you going to remove the sacks so we can see the birds?"

"No... If you've been following the lectures through the term, you should be able to identify each of them by its feet alone. You should have realized the areas that I was stressing, in class and in the reading assignments."

The student, becoming a little alarmed, "You mean, you expect us to be able to know one of these from the others just by its feet. That's unreasonable."

"I'm sorry you're dismayed by this test. Perhaps if you'll begin it'll go better than you expect, and then the others can begin also."

"No, this is absurd. I'm not going to take this test. This is outrageous. I'm leaving." And the student begins to gather up his pencils, and day-pack.

"If you're leaving, tell me your name, so I can mark you off in my book now, please."

The irate student, holding up his feet so the prof can see them, replies, "YOU FIGURE IT OUT!"

[thedrifter]

What you shouldn't say to your wife...

This isn't mine, I heard it on the radio this morning.

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty ****ed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

[thedrifter]

Long life

A woman who had outlived no less than eight husbands finally past away. Old friends and enemies alike gathered at graveside and consoled or *****ed with each other, as is so often the way. ``Oh well, at least they'll be together again...'' sighed of the the departed's lady friends.

``Yes,'' replied a childhood friend with a sob, ``but with which husband?''

``No silly,'' said the snide friend, ``I meant her legs.''

[thedrifter]

Icefishing


This Newfie is going icefishing. He starts to drill a hole with his auger when a loud booming voice says, "THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE!"

So he stops drilling and moves a little ways and starts to drill again. The same voice booms, "THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE!"

So he moves a little further and is about to drill again, but the voice immediately comes again, "THERE"S NO FISH THERE EITHER!"

The Newf looks around and says, "Who are you anyways? God?"

"NO I'M THE ARENA MANAGER!"

[thedrifter]

Duck hunt


A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

[thedrifter]

Food-porn


FOODPORN: Pornography for dieters (?) by Frank LaRosa

Brought to you by Searchlight bbs 516-724-0971

Dear Editors,

I read your fine magazine eagerly each month, and one of my favorite features is the letters you receive from your readers. I always enjoy hearing about their exploits, but until now I never thought anything like that could ever happen to me. However all that changed last Friday night, when I had one of the most incredible experiences of my life, and felt I just had to write and share it with everyone.

It was about 10:30 PM and I was sitting in my dorm room going over some boring math homework that I really didn't feel like doing. Normally there is plenty to do on Friday nights at my college, but it was the first day of spring break and the campus was practically deserted. Since I couldn't afford to go to Florida with my buddies, I was forced to spend the vacation on campus by myself. I was fully expecting a rather dull week of nothing but studying and watching TV.

Anyway, I was concentrating on my math book when suddenly I heard a loud bang and a screech coming from outside. I rushed to the window to see what had happened. On the street below I saw a white minivan with the words "Carlo's Italian Restaurant" on the side. The van pulled slowly to the side of the road, obviously suffering from a tire blowout. Relieved at an excuse to break up the monotony of my studying, I decided to go outside and see if I could be of any help.

As I approached the van I could see the driver, an overweight, brown haired woman who introduced herself as Gail. We both examined the flat tire and I asked Gail where she was heading. She said she was supposed to deliver an order of Italian food to a party, some rich eccentrics who lived in the upper part of town, she said. But the party had been cancelled at the last minute and she was returning with their order. She said she didn't think there was a spare tire in the van but I suggested that we take a look anyway.

We went around to the back of the van and Gail opened the rear doors. A warm rush of steam came from inside, carrying the rich scent of fresh tomato sauce and Italian bread. In the cargo area were trays and trays of lasagna, meatballs, and pork smothered in sauce. A stack of pizza boxes lay to one side, and I could see what looked like a case of beer towards the back. Never in my wildest fantasies had I seen anything like the banquet that lay before me now. After living on lousy school cafeteria food for the past two months, it all seemed something like a dream come true.

Gail looked around and said she couldn't find the spare tire. She sighed, giving me a strangely seductive look. "Well," she said, "I guess I won't be able to get back to the restaurant for a while. It would sure be a shame to let all this food go to waste." At that, I knew something incredible was about to happen. Gail manouvered her pudgy frame into the back of the truck. I couldn't believe my eyes as she began unwrapping the mountain of food before us. "Here," she said, handing me a huge tray of lasagna. The dish was warm and heavy and full of rich Italian smells. When I looked back I noticed that Gail had started without me and was already busy with a large, greasy pepperoni pizza.

I sat on the edge of the van and removed the tin foil from the lasagna tray. I peeled the foil back slowly, carefully, revealing the hot pleasures within. The sauce oozed like lava around the melty mozarella cheese, and pools of oil were everywhere. I ran my finger along the edge of the plate, and then gently through the heart of the food, delighting in the warm, slippery feel of the pasta underneath. After a few minutes of working my fingers in and out I removed them and slowly licked off the sweet-tasting sauce.

My sense of hunger heightened, I lifted the tray closer to my face. My hands sank into the center of the lasagna, scooping out huge globs of pasta, sauce, and cheese. I lifted the food to my mouth and stuffed it sloppily into my waiting hole. I chewed and swallowed deeply, my eyes closed in ecstasy. My entire digestive tract tingled as the food made its way down my esophagus and into the pit of my stomach. Incensed, I grabbed hungrily for the lasagna, stuffing my mouth till it was about to burst, choking it down so fast that it almost hurt, and stuffing my face again. In a matter of minutes I had lapped up the entire tray, licking it clean so as to get every drop.

I stood up and caught my breath. After such a feast I was sure I could eat no more, but the sight of several open pizza boxes soon had me going again. Reaching out, I tore off about half of a huge 15 inch pizza covered with pepperoni, mushrooms, and sausage. I folded the thick dough and thrust the pizza mouthward, alternately chewing at the crust and then sucking in the tender, cheesy filling. My mind in a blissful daze, I spent the next several minutes in this position, until I had devoured every last mouthful.

By this time Gail had discovered the beer, and she handed me a tall, frosty bottle. I wrenched off the cap and lifted the beer to my mouth, pouring it eagerly down my throat. As I drank in a frenzy, beer spilled out the corners of my mouth and dripped onto my face, neck and clothing. Oblivious to the world, I continued consuming the brew like a madman until every drop was gone.

Finally, I could take no more. Grasping my stomach, I stumbled towards the grass on the side of the road. I opened my mouth and burped into the warm night, longer and louder than I had ever done before. The substance of my belch seemed to hang in the air in front of me, thick with the aroma of pizza and beer. I burped a second time, then lay on the soft ground and fell into a deep, satisfying sleep.

When I awoke several hours later, Gail and the restaurant van were gone. I never saw them again after that night, but the fond memories of our encounter will stay with me forever. Perhaps someday I'll meet Gail again, and if I do I'll be sure to write and tell you all about it.

- Name and address withheld by request

[thedrifter]

My dog and your dog


Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter:

First woman : My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a paper boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.

Second woman : I know

First one : How?

Second one : My dog told me

[thedrifter]

Unintentional humor in student compositions

I'm not getting this out of a list: my eleven-year-old was writing a biography of Charles Darwin, and finished with:

"When Darwin died, he was very pleased with himself."

[lurchenstein]

After dying grisly deaths, Osama and Sadam made their way to the pearly gates. There, they were greeted by George Washington, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping both of them in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's
liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched them in the nose.

James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the
government to provide for the common defense!" He took a baseball bat and smashed their kneecaps.

They were subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As they writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled them back toward the gate where they were to be judged. As Osama and Sadam awaited their journey to their final very hot destination, they screamed, "This is not what we
were promised!"

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

[thedrifter]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.

Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! "

A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"

The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

[thedrifter]

Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister.

"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"Yes, my son, absolutely."

"Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?"

[thedrifter]

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

[thedrifter]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

[thedrifter]

6 Shots


A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

[thedrifter]

Stick


A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

[thedrifter]

$500 Porche



A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

[thedrifter]

Chaos


A surgeon, a civil engineer and a software engineer were chatting at a bar. The discussion rolled around to whose profession was the oldest.
The surgeon said that his was, since in the book of Genesis, God created Eve from one of Adam's ribs, and surly that involved surgery.
The civil engineer countered by saying that before God created man, he created the heavens and the Earth from chaos, surely a feat of civil engineering.

[thedrifter]

Widower Playing Golf


A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[thedrifter]

Jesus And Moses On The Golf Course


Things are slow in Heaven one day, so Moses suggests to Jesus that they go down to Earth and play a round of golf; Jesus agrees.

On the first hole, there's a long fairway with a water hazard before the green. Standing at the championship tee, Moses points to the novice tees and says "Jesus, I think we should tee off from up there. I don't think we can make it over the water from here."

Jesus replies, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses walks out, parts the water, retrieves Jesus' ball, and brings it back.

"Jesus," Moses says, "I really think we should tee off from up there. I don't think we can make it over the water from here."

Jesus insists, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus agaiin puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses walks out, parts the water, retrieves the ball, and brings it back.

"Jesus," Moses says, "I really don't think we can make it over the water from here. If you shoot from back here again and your ball goes in the water, I'm not going to get it."

Jesus again explains to Moses, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus again puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses looks at Jesus and stands at the tee, with no intention of retrieving Jesus' ball. Jesus figures he'll have to retrieve his own ball, so he walks down the fairway to the water hazard, and proceeds to walk on the water out to the point where his ball fell in.

Moses is still back at the tee when a foursome comes through and sees Jesus walking on water. "Holy mackerel!", one of them says, "Does that guy think he's Jesus?"

"No", Moses answers, "he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

[thedrifter]

Love, Lust and Marriage



LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to *****.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't care less
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

[thedrifter]

Gifts For Teacher


It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"Noooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."

[thedrifter]

Romainian economic forecast for 1988

Prime Minister of Romania: "What kind of year will 1988 be?"

Economics Minister: "Average, sir."

PM: "What do you mean, average?"

EM: "Average. Better than 1989, not as good as 1987."

[thedrifter]

Sales Presantation and a Lady from Texas

This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personnel to various situations.


You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.

YOU SHOULD:

(A) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(B) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(C) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
and tell your boss that nobody but *****s and football players live
there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. YOU SHOULD:

(A) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
name.
(B) Ask what position she played.
(C) Ask if she is still working the streets.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!!"

[thedrifter]

Embarrassment

A man comes home after a heavy night's drinking. His wife won't open the door for him, so he starts hammering on it. She still won't let him in, so he starts shouting. The neighbours are starting to notice, so in an attempt to embarrass her, he starts singing at the top of his voice:

"I had her before she was married, I had her before she was married!"

The top window immediately flies open, and his wife responds with equal gusto:

"And so did all of your mates!"

[thedrifter]

Robbery

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

[thedrifter]

Thanks for the Subliminals

I would like to thank all of the folks who emailed me about the "subliminal" Pepsi ads in 'Top Gun'. As was pointed out more than once, here and in mail, the advertisements aren't really subliminal if you can perceive them conciously. <drink Pepsi> I know what "subliminal" means <drink Pepsi> as opposed to superliminal, or ultraliminal, or megaliminal, or liminal, or whatever the correct phraseology is. <you love Pepsi> This kind of advertisement, though, while not totally invisible <drink Pepsi> is still real hard to see... I've seen Top Gun a total of six times now, and never noticed the Pepsi tray until my sixth time, on cable. After running the tape back thru again, I could tell that the Pepsi <drink drink drink Pepsi> logo was really there--not just a red-white-and-blue <Pepsi> smear.

Perhaps we need a new phrase for this half-overt advertising <bathe in Pepsi>. I propose the term "mood-advertising," or perhaps "musak-vertising" ... something which while there, you have to concentrate to perceive <Pepsi sex>. Once we put a name to this dread disease, we can set about finding a cure.

Gosh, I'm thirsty.

[thedrifter]

Russian joke (yet another)

An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach Yourself Hebrew" book. A policeman notices her and decides to start to give her a hard time.

"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.

She replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."

The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going to?"

The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay. I already speak Russian."

[thedrifter]

Albania, Albania, man sheds his waste on thee.


Enver Hoxha, dictator of Albania, dies and due to a bureaucratic mixup is sent to socialist heaven. Of course, once there he has to stand in line as St.Peter is interviewing the candidates for socialist heaven ahead of him.


Ludwig von Beethoven is first.
St.Peter says: "Who are you?"
Beethoven says: "Eh ?"
St.Peter waves his arms and cures Beethoven and says : "Who are you ?"
Beethoven says: "Ludwig von Beethoven"
St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers?"
Beethoven says: "No."
St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it."
Beethoven says: "Give me a choir of angels."

St.Peter calls the angels forward and watches Beethoven conduct the Ninth.
St.Peter smiles and says: "Wonderful. Welcome, Ludwig."
Beethoven goes in.

Shakespeare is next.
St.Peter says: "Who are you ?"
Shakespeare says: "William Shakespeare"
St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers ?
Shakespeare says: "No."
St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it."
Shakespeare says: "Give me a pen and paper."

St.Peter does and watches Shakespeare write a new sonnet.
St.Peter smiles and says: "Wonderful. Welcome, William."
Shakespeare goes in.

Finally it is Hoxha's turn.
St.Peter says: "Who are you ?"
Hoxha says: "Enver Hoxha, General Secretary of the Communist Party of
Albania"
St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers ?
Hoxha says: "No."
St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it,
just like Beethoven and Shakespeare."
Hoxha says: "Beethoven... Shakespeare ? Who are they ?"
St.Peter says: "Wonderful. Welcome, General Secretary."
Hoxha goes in.

[thedrifter]

New Yorker item


The following is an approximation of an item in the New Yorker (the kind that appear at the ends of articles in the back) that refers to a correction printed by some newspaper I don't remember. (I read it in a dentist's office and don't have it in front of me now.)

"Dear Abby said yesterday that one cure for hiccups is to use carbon monoxide. The correct treatment uses carbon dioxide."

The New Yorker's comment? "Too late."

[thedrifter]

I swear, when I read things like this, I fear for the intelligence
in the world today. Some people are more computer illiterate than others, I
guess.

Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically
challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin'" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall
Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic
bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to
fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water! And
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He
told the technician that the computer had said it couldn't find the printer.
The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but
that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,
the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat
there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened
when she pressed the power button, she asked, "What power button?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for
support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in
the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in
the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that
"Insert Disk 2" implied to remove Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novel NetWire SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did
you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get
this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has 40X on it. "At this point, the Tech Rep had to
mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The
caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cupholder and
snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.
The girl sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and her
printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type
the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a P."
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: "P, on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school
> playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed
> the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate
> embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could
> not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
> mother.
>
>
> "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
> go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and
> he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her
> take off her shirt.
>
> Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
> Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said,
> "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you
> save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look
> on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
>
>
> At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
> story. Johnny started his story about the car going into the
> woods, the undressing, Aunt Jane laying down on the back
> seat. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same
> thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy
> was in the Army."
>
>
> Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before
> you interrupt.

[thedrifter]

Now be careful before you try this ? you probably should check with your
> doctor.
>
> SENIOR EXERCISE
> Pass this along to your senior friends.
> For those getting along in years, here is a little secret for building
> arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well.
> Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-LB. potato sack
> in each hand...extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them
> there as long as you can.
> After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB potato
> sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in
> each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
> Next...start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to
> overdo it
>

[thedrifter]

Public Restroom Humor - Embarrassingly Funny!


I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi,
how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but,
I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin
Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I
say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another
question.

Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, this question is just wacky but i figured I could just be polite and end the
conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

" Hold on a second, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps
answering all my questions ."

[thedrifter]

Six former Presidents on a sinking boat... Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first."
Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"

[thedrifter]

The Joy of Newfie Sex


There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.

The Englishman says to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"

"Well," says the Frenchman, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft,even breath, and that drives her wild."

Then the Frenchman says, "And what do you do to drive your wife wild?"

To which the Englishman replies, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"

Then the pair turn to the Newfoundlander and ask him what he does.

"Naawww you don't want to know what I do" he says.

So they buy him a few more drinks and he loosens up a bit more, and again, they ask him what he does.

"Well..," he says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives her wild."

[thedrifter]

How 'bout them cubs?

(Baseball humor, for those out there who are Non-Cub fans.)

In 1908, the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Since then:


Radio was invented.
Four states were admitted to the Union.
The atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Television was invented.
The U.S. went through the Great Depression.
The U.S. participated in two world wars and two major armed conflicts, Korea and Vietnam.
The NFL was founded.
Man landed on the moon.
Thirteen presidents were elected and one was appointed.
Harry Carey was born.
Wrigley Field was built and became the oldest baseball park in the National League.
Five flag poles, erected at Wrigley Field for the purpose of holding a World Series flag, have worn out and been replaced without ever holding a pennant.
Lights were installed at twenty-five major league baseball stadiums--except Wrigley Field.
Ten teams were added to the major leagues.
Halley's Comet passed the earth twice.
Hundreds of boys were born, raised, played inept baseball for the Cubs, retired and died of old age.

[thedrifter]

Two more lawyer jokes

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

[thedrifter]

Purchasing, you know...

man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The cashier asks, "What size?"

The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."

"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"

The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

[thedrifter]

Manners in the USSR


Stalin is giving a speech in a small auditorium. During a pause, someone in the audience sneezes. Looking up, Stalin asks,

"Who sneezed?"

Noone answers. Stalin orders the guards to escort the last three rows of people outside, where they are executed. Stalin then asks,

"Now, who sneezed?"

Again, noone answers. Again, Stalin orders the guards to escort the last three rows outside. Shots are heard. Again, Stalin asks,

"Now! Who sneezed??"

A small, bespectacled man in the second row raises his hand and says,

"Um, I did, comrade."

To which Stalin replies,

"Bless you."

... and then continues his speech.

[thedrifter]

Capitalist Hell vs Communist Hell

A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.

Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockerfeller, looking bored. "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," he replied , "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.

"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.

"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives ..."

[thedrifter]

Rum Cake

Rum Cake
Before you start, sample the rum and check for good quality. Good, isn't it?

Now select a large mixing bowl, measuring cups, spatula, etc. (Check that rum again for quality. It must be just right! Try it again.)

With an electric beater, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again. (Meanwhile, make certain that rum is of best quality.)

Add two large eggs and two cups of dried fruit and beat until very high. If fruit gets stuck in the beater, pry it out with a screwdriver. (Sample rum again, checking for consistency.)

Next, sift in three (2) cups of baking powder and add a pinch of rum, one seaspoon of soda and one cupa papper...(or maybe salt?) Anyway, don't fret, just taste that rum again. Good stuff.

Next, sift in a half pint of lemon juice, fold in chopped buttermilk and strained nuts. Sample rum again.

Now, one bablespoon srown sugar, or whatever color is around. Mix. Well.

Grease your oven and turn cake pans to 359F. Now, pour the whole mixture into the oven ... (HONEY? WHERE'S THE MOP??)

On second thought, forget the oven, pitch the cake and check the rest of the rum. Bo to ged.

[thedrifter]

Human oscillators

My favourite two campus practical jokes:

1. Arrange the light switches in a lavatory and an adjacent room so that flipping one switch also flips the other. Consider the resultant scene (visible from the outside just by watching the windows): the room's resident retires for the evening, turning off his (or her) light. Some time later, someone else decides to use the head, and turns on the light. After a few minutes, the resident awakes, decides that someone is pulling a fast one, and turns the light off ... on the guy (or girl) who is by now seated on the throne! If it works correctly, the two unfortunates end up standing at their respective light switches, with the lights oscillating rapidly (by which time the perpetrators are rolling on the ground outside laughing their heads off).

2. This prank happened a number of years ago. Two guys had been pulling practical jokes on each other for quite a while. Finally, one of them got a pair of rather large (and LOUD) firecrackers, and wired them to light bulb bases with nichrome wire such that applying power would set off the firecrackers. One of the devices was installed in the victim's room, the other in the perpetrator's.

That evening, the victim returned to his room, and turned on the light. There was a short delay as the fuse burned, and during that delay the victim (quite naturally) turned to see what was wrong with the light--BLAM! Well, the victim was (quite naturally) upset and flustered and resolved to do some- thing appropriately horrendous to the perpetrator's room. He went over to the perpetrator's room, his own counter-prank in hand, went in, and turned on the light. When nothing happened, his reflexes again betrayed him: he looked up at the light--BLAM!

Apparently, the victim never bothered to counter-stack the perpetrator.

[thedrifter]

A parable for graduate students


SCENE: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

FOX: "What are you working on?"

RABBIT: "My thesis."

FOX: "Hmm. What's it about?"

RABBIT: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."

(incredulous pause)

FOX: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."

RABBIT: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

WOLF: "What's that you're writing?"

RABBIT: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."

(loud guffaws)

WOLF: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

RABBIT: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

(The End)


MORAL: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.
It doesn't matter what you use for data.
What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.

[thedrifter]

Testosterone


A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

[thedrifter]

A Lottery Winner


A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"

Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

[thedrifter]

10 HUSBANDS & STILL A VIRGIN:

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm
still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a sales representative - he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services - he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services - he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing - even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer - he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration - he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing - although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist - all he ever wanted to do was to talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist - all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector - all he ever did was---- "God! I miss him! "

"But now I'm married to you - I'm really excited." "Good, " said the husband, "but why?"

"You're a lawyer - this time I'm sure I'm gonna get screwed!!"

[thedrifter]

Where's my Wife?

A man approached a very beautiful woman in
the large supermarket and said,

"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours,
my wife appears out of nowhere"

[thedrifter]

A old man who's been in a nursing home for many years starts bugging the administrator to let him have a weekend pass, to 'sow his last wild oats', he says, before he finally passes on. Every week he asks the same question and every week he's turned down.
Months later there's a change of staff, with a much younger administrator assigned to the home. Our man starts right away with his weekend request. The new administrator has a little more compassion than the last one and says to the old man, "If I let you go for a weekend, will you promise me you'll return on Monday morning?" Ecstatic, the old man swears on his grandmother's grave and he's awarded his wish.
Friday evening comes and the old man calls a cab. He heads straight to the nearest bar. He nurses a few beers for a while when in walks an old woman and sits at the end of the bar. Our man starts giving her the 'high sign', sends down several drinks, and is finally welcomed to sit by her. They chat for a while and he eventually talks her into going to a motel close by.
All Friday night they go at it,,,,,,,,,,all day Saturday,,,,,Saturday afternoon,,,,,,,,Saturday evening,,,,,,,,,(they did go to church on Sunday morning),,,,,,,,,then back at it all day Sunday,,,,, and into Sunday night. An entire weekend of unprotected sex.
True to his word, our man returns to the nursing home on Monday morning, smiling a very satisfied smile. The administrator welcomes him back and the old man thanks him again and again.
Several days later the old man wakes up, only to find a yellowish discharge coming from his penis. "Oh, my God!!", he thinks to himself,,,,,,,"94 years old and I'm going to die with a disease".
He sees the staff doctor that afternoon. The doc checks him over, running numerous tests and then, with a grim, studied look at the chart, says to the old man, "Have you had sexual intercourse within the last week or so?"
The old man hangs his head in disappointment and shame, knowing he's contracted an STD, then says with a sorrowful sigh,,,,,,"Well, yes I have".
The doc looks him straight in the eye and says, "Well you better get back there. You're just about ready to come".

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny Joins The Marines:


Little Johnny final graduates high school and tells his parents he has signed up for the Corp.
“The Corp.”, his father asks?
“Yes Dad, You know the Marine Corp.”, replies Johnny.
Johnny’s father says, “Have you gone mad Johnny?”
Johnny says, “No Dad and I have thought this through.”
“But why”, asks the father.
“Well Dad, do you remember the guest speaker who came and gave the commencement ceremony at my graduation?” asks Johnny.
Johnny’s Dad says, “Yes, I remember, what does that have to do with you joining the Marines?”
“Well Dad, it’s like this. You called that there preacher a fire and brimstone patron of the lord God himself”, replies Johnny.
“Go one Johnny explain further”, says his father.
“Dad, that preacher keep saying that Armageddon is coming and we better choose our path well”, says Johnny.
Johnny’s mother and father are still stumped.
Johnny’s Dad said, “Go on Johnny with your explanation.”
“Well Mom and Dad I figured if Armageddon was coming real soon like that preacher said, then I better be on the side of the Lord God himself”, says Johnny.
“Well Johnny, why the Marines”, the father asks?
“Dad it’s like this. I figure that there preacher knows a heap more than us, and that there is a lot of bad in the world. So God may need some help, and who better to call on than the United States Marines”, says Johnny.
“So, Johnny you figure on kicking ass and taking names”, says his Dad.
“No Dad”, says Johnny.
“Well what then”, says his Dad?
Johnny replies, “I am only going to kick ass, I figure God will take the names himself, after all Marines don’t have to be bright to kick ass, just tough as steel. Also, I figure us Marines are going to be pretty damn busy, I figure we are heavily out numbered.”
Johnny’s Mother faints and falls to the floor, and his Dad is speechless.

[Art Petersn]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down
and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?"
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little
man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter.
The guy then reaches back into the bag and this time
pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as
well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out
a tiny piano bench, which he places in
front of the piano. The little man sits down at the
piano and starts playing a piece by Mozart.
"Where on earth did you get that?" asks the
bartender.
The man responds by again reaching into the paper
bag, but this time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands
it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's
a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing
before him. "I will grant you one wish," she says.
Having a wish from a real genie excites the
bartender. He has always dreamed about it, but now
it's actually happening. So without even hesitating,
he says: "I want a million bucks."
The genie nods her head and disappears in another
gust of smoke. A few moments later, a duck walks into bar. Another
duck,
then another soon follows it.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks.
The bartender turns to the man and says: "You know,
I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a
million bucks, not a million ducks."
"I know" says the man. "Do you really think I asked
for a 12 inch pianist

[thedrifter]

A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a pair of headphones on and asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "don't touch the headphones o.k.?"
"Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback - but happy for the work.
Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another haircut but with the same condition, "Whatever you do ... don't touch the headphones"
"No problem" said the hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the
restraint.
Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don't forget - don't touch the headphones" said the blonde. Well, just as the hairdresser was finished, she couldn't resist and she just lifted
one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on the floor of the shop. "Oh my God - I think I've killed her" screamed the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself.
She heard the strangest thing... "breathe in...breathe out... breathe in...breathe out."

[thedrifter]

A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a TV. After a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman. "I want to buy this television," she says.
The salesman replies, "Sorry, we don't serve blondes here." She gets mad, leaves and goes home.
She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store. "I want to buy this television." she says to the salesman, getting the same response; "Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes here." She leaves again, frustrated.
She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the store, she once again approaches the salesman. "Sir, I would like to purchase this television, and I don't want any problems." To which the salesman
replies, "Sorry Miss, we don't serve blondes." Fed up with this, she cries, "How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and even resorted to shaving my head!" To which the salesman replied, "Well, Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!"

[thedrifter]

Glossary of PC Messages
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows
and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the
bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

[thedrifter]

Fighter Plane Warranty Card
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
McDonnell Douglas
AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other

First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________

Latitude________________________Longitude_________ _________________________

Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc._________________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-117A Stealth _Classified

3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________

4. Serial Number____________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_ McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:

Product Own Intend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:

_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed (Islamic)
_Crazed (Other)
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveler's Check

12. Occupation You Your Spouse

Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest You Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

MCDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800

[thedrifter]

Things to do on an Elevator

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!'
Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'
Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Walk on with a cooler that says 'human head' on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce 'You're one of THEM!' and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'Is that your beeper?'
Say 'Ding!' at each floor.
Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'
Announce in a demonic voice: 'I must find a more suitable host body.'
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

[thedrifter]

21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic"

1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.

4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters.
Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.

8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world?"

14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

15. Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

17. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!

18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father."?

19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character.

20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.

21. Titanic morals:
a. gamble,
b. cheat on your husband,
c. pose nude for pictures,
d. premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated.

Star Wars morals:
a. fight evil,
b. do good,
c. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers,
d. rescue princess,
e. save planet.

[thedrifter]

Could I See Just One?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[thedrifter]

New Secretary
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

[thedrifter]

Amazon Explorer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

[thedrifter]

Crowd Control
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.

[thedrifter]

Baseball in Heaven
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends John and Dave were two huge baseball fans. Their entire lives, John and Dave talked baseball. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One night, John passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Dave awoke to the sound of John's voice from beyond.

"John is that you?" Dave asked.

"Yes, it's me," John replied.

"This is unbelievable" Dave exclaimed. " So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven."

"Oh, that is wonderful, So what is the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

[thedrifter]

from Cas


Life is but a test.

Bob

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your best friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."


"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say."

"The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not."

"Now let's try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true."

"Well, shall we now move to the third test because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness." "Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?" "It may be, but I cannot be certain."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man walked away, shaking his head.

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was porking his wife.

[Art Petersn]

Honeymoon

On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped
into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation,
crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband
had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to
make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most
ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to,
and for how long?

[Art Petersn]

SIPPING VODKA







A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly


speak.


After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.


The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous


on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.


If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."


So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning


of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to


talk up a storm.


Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following


note on the door





1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.


2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.


3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.


4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.


6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.


7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,


Junior and the Spook.


8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.


9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked ! off his


donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.


10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."


11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take


this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"


12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"


13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub


thanks for the ! grub, yeah God.


14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.


Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[thedrifter]

Custard pie

Another Jack Whitman joke:

80 years after Little Big Horn, an East Coast journalist began research on George Armstrong Custer. A friend told him that an Indian that lived through that experience was still living and furthermore remembered EVERY event of his long life. The journalist visited Chief Big Eagle, who now lived in a small town in Pennsylvania. When he arrived and stated his purpose, the Chief agreed to answer his questions.

"On what day of the week did the event take place? "

-- "Wednesday"

"What was Custer wearing?"

-- "Black uniform.. ceremony sword.. old hat"

"What did Custer eat for breakfast?"

-- "Eggs"

The journalist was skeptical and figured anyone could make up these answers. He left, and never published his article.

Ten years later, the journalist was by coincidence driving through the same small town, and decided to see if the old Chief was still living. To his surprise, he was.

As the journalist walked in he raised his hand in the air and said, "How!"

"Over easy, with potatoes on the side," said the chief.

[thedrifter]

Radio Armenia

These Radio Armenia jokes were told to me by a friend who says that he heard them when he lived in Russia for a summer.

The call in question show on Radio Armenia often has to deal with some tough questions.

Q: What is champagne?

A: Radio Armenia is pleased to inform you that champagne is a wonderfully delicious alcoholic beverage which is consumed by the working people through their elected representatives.

[thedrifter]

Rednecks

One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway for a while, then got off and drove along a very rural dirt road in the middle of farm country. After a while, he came across a farmer who was out in the fields, driving a tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants.

"Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?"

"Well, city boy, th' other day I went out a-workin' in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. Now this here's mah wife's idea."

[thedrifter]

Efficiency

A man asked the waiter for a look at the dessert menu, which the waiter produced from a special pouch in his uniform. The man ordered a desert, and the waiter relayed the information to the kitchen via a special communications device built into his wrist watch. When desert arrived, the man was without a spoon. The waiter produced one from his breast pocket.

The man was amazed. He asked the waiter how it is that the waiter is so well prepared to handle every problem without ever having to return to the kitchen. The waiter answered that the owner is an efficiency expert who wanted everything to run without a wasted moment.

The man asked the purpose of the string tied to every waiters' trousers. The waiter replied that, when he uses the urinal, he avoids dirtying his hands (and therefore doesn't need to waste time washing them). He simply pulls the string, and his penis pops out.

The man asked the waiter how he gets his penis back in. The waiter replied,

"That's easy.... I use the spoon."

[thedrifter]

Dentist joke

A dental surgery had been having an unusually busy day, and ran out of local anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was to be performed.

Keen to ensure that a far more painless extraction from the patient's wallet would not be hindered, the dentist gave the nurse a very large needle.

He instructed her to jab it firmly into the patient in the end opposite to that from which the tooth was to be extracted, when the signal was given.

It all happened in an instant. The patient and pliers were in place. The signal was given, the needle driven well home, and with a quick tug out came the tooth.

The dentist said, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't even feel it come out... tell you what, though, the roots were sure in deep!"

[thedrifter]

What hurts the most

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed.

After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "what was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

[thedrifter]

Railroaded

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it...

[thedrifter]

Drop kick me

A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip. That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of a very old woman saying "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!"

Startled, the burglar snarls back "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna get hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma.

Again the voice: "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman waiting at the top.

Just then the parrot screams, "Sic'em, Jesus!"

[thedrifter]

More in the court

Heard on one of those starving artist/comedian TV shows:

Just once, I would like to see an intelligent witness on the stand:

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

P: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

D: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

[thedrifter]

Philosophical military question...

If a Stealth bomber crashes into a forest, does it make a sound?

Merlyn LeRoy


More to the point, if Hellen Keller falls in the forest, does she make a sound?

A: Only if God can make a barber so big he can't shave himself.

[thedrifter]

Men, can't live with 'em

When god created man before he created woman, remember that artists make models first before they make masterpieces

[thedrifter]

Springtime Planting

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you." and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

[thedrifter]

Disorder in the Court

Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips' Collected by Richard Lederer, reprinted in N.H. Business Review

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?

A. Borofkin.

Q. What's his first name?

A. I can't remember.

Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?

A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A. No.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A. A lot of things I didn't know about.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

A. I will be three months November 8th.

Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

A. Yes.

Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.

Q. How many times have you committed suicide?

A. Four times.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?

A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q. Did he kill you?

A. No.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?

A. Oral.

Q. How old are you?

A. Oral.

[thedrifter]

Russian joke

A little girl in a school in USSR was asked to use "communist" in a sentence. She said, "My cat just had a litter of kittens and they are all communists."

A month later the same little girl was asked to use the word "capitalist" in a sentence. She said: "My cat had a litter of kittens and now they are capitalists."

The teacher was shocked and ask what had happened to the kittens. The little girl responded: "Well they have opened their eyes now!"

[thedrifter]

Sex and mothers in law

Minnie and Max had been married for 18 years. As Minnie grew older and less attractive, Max became disinterested and his libido started to wane dramatically. In desperation, Minnie hauled him before a marriage counselor. The marriage counselor listened patiently to Minnie's complaints and to Max's protestations. Max said he was being nagged unmercifully Minnie said that Max was causing her anguish.

Finally the marriage counselor issued a verdict. "Max," he said, "from now on, no matter how you feel, you must give Minnie her conjugal rights at least semi-annually."

Minnie was delighted and they left the counselor's chambers. On the way downstairs she nudged Max, "Tell me Max, how many times a week is semi-annually?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deep in the Tennessee hills, a farmer's mule kicked his mother-in-law to death. An enormous crowd of men turned out for the funeral. The minister, examining the crowd outside the church, commented to a farmer friend, "This old lady must have been mighty popular. Just look how many people left their work to come to her funeral."

"They're not here for the funeral," snickered the friend. "They're here to buy the mule."

[thedrifter]

John 3:16

This may be an old topic so email responses if it is. At countless sporting events, I have seen a man holding up a sign with "John 3:16" on it. I am familiar with the Biblical quote ("And the Lord God loved the world so much that He gave His only Son..." or something like that) but I can't figure out what it has to do with sports.
Tim McCarver piped in when he was calling one of the Mets' games: "Oh, look, Tommy John has got his ERA down again!!!"

[thedrifter]

More "In the Navy"

For these to make sense you have to know a couple of things. There's a ship's routine book that spells out everything that is supposed to go on and when. It's divided into "in port" and "at sea" sections -

Time 1600, place 500 miles at sea East of the Virginia capes (remember, Johnny is black and has a pretty thick accent)

Now pieah sweepahs start y'brooms sweep down the pieah (pregnant pause) ****! Nevah mind, I'm on the wrong f**kin page again...

The quarter deck is the main place where you board and leave a ship at anchor or moored in port. It's also where leave papers, etc. are left for people and the quarterdeck watch pages them to pick them up. One day tied up in Montreal

Now Johnny Johnson, BM3, second division, lay up to the qwatahdeck (pause) Oh ****! That's ME!

In 1960 it was unusual for a cruiser to carry a helicopter but we had one. It spent most of its time on the aircraft carrier for maintenance but the carrier flew in mail from ashore every day -

Now flight qwatahs, flight qwatahs, all hands man yoah flight qwatahs stations, prepeah for landin eahcraft (pause) Look suh! Here come de helo wit da mail!

[thedrifter]

Maybe Beer Isn't Better Than Women After All

9 Reasons Why Beer May Not Be As Great As Women.


A beer bottle doesn't look any better with its labels off.
Peeling off beer labels isn't as much fun.
You can suck a beer at only one spot.
Enjoying a beer involves a positive calorie intake.
The bottom of a beer can isn't very interesting.
You can't eat a beer.
You can't buy a beer at 9AM on Sunday.
There's a law about driving after having too many beers
You have to be over 21 to enjoy a beer.

[thedrifter]

Immunity?

The American ambassador visited the Romanian president. In the waiting room he talked with two of the ministers for five minutes.

When he entered he said to the Romanian president, "I really don't want to bother you but I talked with two of your ministers, and my gold watch was disappeared."

So the president answered, "OK. I'll take care of it," left the room and came back two minutes later with the watch.

The ambassador said, "Thank you very much," said the ambassador. "I hope that I didn't cause any crisis between you and them."

"That's OK," said the president. "They did not notice."

[thedrifter]

Down in the boondocks.

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every longshoreman he sees that his guy can screw and satisfy 100 women in a row, without pausing. Bets are made and they agree that they'll meet the next day.

The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock and the guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83..... 84..... 85........ but he is still moving from one to the next and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99................ and before he can get to the last woman he has a heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly at practice this morning!"

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny Joins The Marines:

Little Johnny final graduates high school and tells his parents he has signed up for the Corp.
“The Corp.”, his father asks?
“Yes Dad, You know the Marine Corp.”, replies Johnny.
Johnny’s father says, “Have you gone mad Johnny?”
Johnny says, “No Dad and I have thought this through.”
“But why”, asks the father.
“Well Dad, do you remember the guest speaker who came and gave the commencement ceremony at my graduation?” asks Johnny.
Johnny’s Dad says, “Yes, I remember, what does that have to do with you joining the Marines?”
“Well Dad, it’s like this. You called that there preacher a fire and brimstone patron of the lord God himself”, replies Johnny.
“Go one Johnny explain further”, says his father.
“Dad, that preacher keep saying that Armageddon is coming and we better choose our path well”, says Johnny.
Johnny’s mother and father are still stumped.
Johnny’s Dad said, “Go on Johnny with your explanation.”
“Well Mom and Dad I figured if Armageddon was coming real soon like that preacher said, then I better be on the side of the Lord God himself”, says Johnny.
“Well Johnny, why the Marines”, the father asks?
“Dad it’s like this. I figure that there preacher knows a heap more than us, and that there is a lot of bad in the world. So God may need some help, and who better to call on than the United States Marines”, says Johnny.
“So, Johnny you figure on kicking ass and taking names”, says his Dad.
“No Dad”, says Johnny.
“Well what then”, says his Dad?
Johnny replies, “I am only going to kick ass, I figure God will take the names himself, after all Marines don’t have to be bright to kick ass, just tough as steel. Also, I figure us Marines are going to be pretty damn busy, I figure we are heavily out numbered.”
Johnny’s Mother faints and falls to the floor, and his Dad is speechless.

[harrymac]

here's a two jokes that kept us sane whilst in the al faw area.
u have probalbly heard them but here we go

An RAF (Crab) Chinock pilot was taking one of our teams forward to Um Qasar. When he came under fire from some Friendly US ground troops.
The Crab pilot being a bit miffed at this lands beside the young marines and storms up to them and ask's who was firing. one unlucky Grunt says me sir

to which the Crab says" when was the last time you saw an Iraqi Helo.
reply was " Well never"
to which the Crab punches the youngster and storms off in the huff.

second one we heard whilst on the ground was as follows:

The following was broadcast live on CNN on the 24th March. In front of the camera is the CNN anchorman. He is joined by three American Military `experts` ( one being a retired two-star general from the `elite Delta Force) and an ex SBS Marine. footage on a side screen shows Iraqi soldiers surrendering to coalition troops.
CNN Anchorman: " We`ve no current verification as to whether these are US or British troops the Iraqis are surrendering to."
Expert 1: " They look like ours - only US troops wear boots like those."
Expert 2: " Indeed, and they appear ro have the standard issue camouflage fatigues."
Expert 3: (Delta Force)" im not sure - we have to get close-up images of them to be 100%. We`ll definitely be able to tell from the shape of their Kelvar helmets if they are ours."
Ex. SAS: "I`m suprised to learn you are all experts. Since when did US forces carry the SA80 rifle as standard issue? Their DPM`s could`ve been bought, as could their boots and webbing for that matter, so you`r chasing rainbows if you can ID them from their clothes!"
Anchorman: "I think you`re right!"
Ex. SBS: "Of course I`m bloody right - anyone with half a brain and basic military training should be able to I.D. a British soldier by his rifle unless he`s Special Forces! Not to mention the fact that they`re covering all their arcs of fire properly, not shouting "woo yeah!" randomly and haven`t raised a flag in direct contravention of their orders!"
At this point one of the Americans pulls off his mic and leaves the floor..... the other two look very uncomfortable.......
Anchorman: " I think we can safely say that the soldiers on your screen are British....... Now for these messages

hope u like these. we thought it showed the typicall news attitude. but made us laugh.
winds me up when u see all these arm chair generals on the box spouting off.

just want to point out that i worked with 1 mef over there and the guys i worked with were mega professional. just in case anyone takes the jokes the wrong way

harry mac

[harrymac]

Having looked at the drifters last joke thought you all might like this one in the same vane.

In The Beginning.

In the beginning was a word, the word was God. In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness, and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that the light might pierce the darkness. And the earth God divided between the lands and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures..

And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors, and he dressed them accordingly.

And the flighty creatures of the air he called airmen. And these he clothed in uniforms which where ruffled and fowl.

The lower creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in his eye, and a sense of humour God gave them trousers too short, and jackets to large, and pockets to warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them cords, and he gave them ribbons... and patches... and stars... and bells. He gave them emblems... and crests... and all sorts of shiny things that glittered... and devices that dangled... When your God you tend to get carried away.

And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested. And on the 8th day at 0730 hrs God looked down upon the earth and was not happy.. God was not happy.

So he thought about his labours, and in infinite wisdom, God created a divine creature and this he called Royal Marine. And these Royal Marines whom God created in his own image, were to be of the air, and the land, and the sea. And these he gave many wonderful uniforms.

He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil.

He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training, that they might be sharp and ready..

And he gave them evening and dress uniforms. Sharp, stylish, handsome things, so they might profile with the ladies on a Saturday night, and impress the hell out of everybody.

And on the, 8th day God looked down upon the earth, and saw that it was good.

But was God happy?. No God was still not happy, because in the course of his labours, he had forgotten one thing.. He did not have a Royal Marine uniform. But he thought about it, and he thought about it, and finally satisfied himself in the knowing, that, well not everybody can be a Royal Marine


SF

harrymac

[lurchenstein]

Welcome back HarryMac! Outstanding "outreach" in Basra.
Both situations you mentioned were funny as hell. Started wondering what the Monty Python troupe could do with this material.
Best to you & your family & the Royal Marines.

[Barrio_rat]

How much is a billion?

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did
a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:
-A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
-A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
-A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
-A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it.!!!

[Barrio_rat]

Strangers in the night...

A man's walking late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty Bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, so he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of the sudden a light flashes on them- It's a police officer."What's going on here, people?" asks the officer."I'm making love to my wife," he answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know." "Well, neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

[Barrio_rat]

New at Disney Land...

[Barrio_rat]

It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.

It took less time to find evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.

It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick.

It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!!!!!!

Damn our military is GREAT

[Barrio_rat]

and test your marksmanship!

www.richsalter.net/flash_scrapbook_items/04_claykittenshooting/04_claykittenshooting.html

[Barrio_rat]

Here's some pics...

[Barrio_rat]

another...

[Barrio_rat]

another...

[Barrio_rat]

and another...

[Barrio_rat]

still another...

[Barrio_rat]

again...

[Barrio_rat]

and finally...

[thedrifter]

The locum Vicar

The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disapointed with the dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.

For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was horrified! Then came the children's lesson.

For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against the table as the children gathered around him. The congregation were totally beside themselves!

He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"

There was total silence.

He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"

Total silence.

Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, Sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."

[thedrifter]

WW II joke

HEADQUARTERS
LAST U.S. ARMY
APO 001. U.S. ARMY




AG 4110.99 (DEBCA) 20 September 1944

SUBJECT : Indoctrination for Return to U.S.

TO : All Units.



A. In compliance with current policies for rotation of armed forces overseas it is directed that in order to maintain the high standard of character of the American Soldier and to prevent any dishonor to reflect on the uniform all individuals eligible for return to the U.S. under current directives will undergo an indoctrination course of demilitarisation prior to approval of his application for return.
B. The following points will be emphasized in the subject indoctrination course:-


In America there is a remarkable number of beautiful girls. These young ladies have not been liberated and many are gainfully employed as stenographers, sales girls, beauty operators or welders. Contrary to current practice they should not be approached with, "How much?" A proper greeting is, "Isn't it a lovely day?" or, "Have you ever been to Chicago?" Then say, "How much?"
A guest in a private home is usually awakened in the morning by a light tapping on his door, and an invitation to join the host at breakfast. It is proper to say, "I'll be there shortly." DO NOT say, "Blow it out your _____."
A typical American breakfast consists of such strange foods as cantaloupes, fresh eggs, milk, ham, etc. These are highly palatable and though strange in appearance are extremely tasty. Butter, made from cream, is often served. If you wish some butter, you turn to the person nearest it and say quietly, "Please pass the butter." DO NOT say, "Threw me the godam grease."
Very natural urges are apt to occur when in a crowd. If it is found necessary to defecate, one does NOT grab a shovel in one hand and paper in the other and run for the garden. At least 90% of American homes have one room called the "Bathroom," i.e. a room that, in most cases, contains a bathtub, wash basin, medicine cabinet, and a toilet. It is the latter that you will use in this case. (Instructors should make sure that all personnel understand the operation of toilet, particularly the lever or button arrangement that serves to prepare the device for reuse).
In the event the helmet is retained by the individual, he will refrain from using it as a chair, wash bowl, foot bath or bathtub. All these devices are furnished in the average American Home. It is not considered good practice to squat Indian fashion in a corner in the event all chairs are occupied. The host usually will provide suitable seats.
Belching or passing wind in company is strictly frowned upon. If you should forget about it, however, and belch in the presence of others, a proper remark is, "Excuse me." DO NOT say, "It must be that lousy chew we've been getting."
American dinners, in most cases, consist of several items, each served in a separate dish. The common practice of mixing various items, such as corn-beef and pudding, or lima beans and peaches, to make it more palatable will be refrained from. In time the "Separate Dish" system will become enjoyable.
Americans have a strange taste for stimulants. The drinks in common usage on the Continent, such as underripe wine, alcohol and grapefruit juice, or gasoline bitters and water (commonly known by the French as "Cognac") are not usually acceptable in civilian circles. A suitable use for such drinks is for serving one's landlord in order to break an undesirable lease.
The returning soldier is apt to find often that his opinions differ from those of his civilian associates. One should call upon his reserve etiquette and correct his acquaintance with such remarks as, "I believe you have made a mistake," or, "I am afraid you are in error on that." DO NOT say, "Brother, you're really f----d up." This is considered impolite.
Upon leaving a friend's home after a visit, one may find his hat misplaced. Frequently it has been placed in a closet. One should turn to one's host and say, "I don't seem to have my hat. Could you help me find it?" DO NOT say, "Don't anybody leave this room, some S.O.B. has stolen my hat."
In traveling in the U.S., particularly in a strange city, it is often necessary to spend the night. Hotels are provided for this purpose and almost anyone can give directions to the hearest hotel. Here, for a small sum, you can register and be shown to a room where he can sleep for the night. The present practice of entering the nearest house, throwing the occupants into the yard and taking over the premises will cease.
Whiskey, a common American drink, may be offered to the soldier on social occasions. It is considered a reflection on the uniform to snatch the bottle from the hostess and drain the bottle, cork and all. All individuals are cautioned to exercise extreme control in these circumstances.
In motion picture theaters seats are provided. Helmets are not required. In is NOT considered good form to whistle every time a female over 8 and under 80 crosses the screen. If vision is impaired by the person in the seat in front, there are plenty of other seats which can be occupied. DO NOT hit him across the back of the head and say, "Move your head, jerk, I can't see a damn thing."
It is not proper to go around hitting everyone of draft age in civilian clothes. He might have been released from the service for medical reasons. Ask for his credentials, and if he can't show any THEN go ahead and slug him.
Upon retiring, one will often find a pair of pajamas laid out on the bed. (Pajamas, it should be explained, are two-piece garments which are donned after all clothing has been removed.) The soldier, confronted by these garments, should assume an air of familiarity and not act as though he were not used to them. A casual remark such as, "My, what a delicate shade of blue" will usually suffice. Under NO circumstances say, "How in hell do you expect me to sleep in a get-up like that?"
Natural functions will continue. It may frequently be necessary to urinate. DO NOT walk behind the nearest tree or automobile you find to accomplish this. Toilets (see 2d above) are provided in all public buildings for this purpose.
Beer is sometimes served in bottles. A cap remover is usually available, and it is not good form to open the bottle by the use of one's teeth.
Always tip your hat before striking a lady.
Air raids and enemy patrols are not encountered in America. Therefore it is not necessary to wear the helmet in church or at social gatherings, or to hold the weapon at ready, loaded and cocked, when talking to civilians in the street.
Every American home and all hotels are equipped with bathing facilities. When it is desired to take a bath, it is not considered good form to find the nearest pool or stream, strip down, and indulge in a bath. This is particularly true in heavily populated areas.
All individuals returning to the U.S. will make every effort to conform to the customs and habits of the regions visited, and to make themselves as inconspicuous as possible. Any actions which reflect upon the honor of the uniform will be promptly dealt with.

For the Commanding General:

[thedrifter]

Age Old Joke?


A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

[thedrifter]

Preying Mantis Syndrome


The Preying Mantis Syndrome

Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, don't seem very good for survival. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however, it is a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce and that is the end of his family tree (not that all insects live in trees, mind you). This suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome - and many life forms are periodically subject to it's wrath. How did the preying mantis become stuck in such a vicious cycle? This is probably what happened beforehand:

The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate. The female mantis, her lust for...lust being satisfied relaxes while the Male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, Uh, working-late-at-the-office on Thursdays, and bowling on Fridays. The female tolerates this to a certain extent, then files for a divorce. After a long battle, she retires to her alimony-paid home with a lesson well learned: It simplifies matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.

Well, through the process of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome is carried up into the highest life forms, even humans. That is why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled to bite the head off the male. The Preying Mantis Syndrome is inescapable, but when it occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.

[thedrifter]

Vacation Time


Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Indeed," said the man, "but we would prefer you didn't lie on the dining room skylight."

[thedrifter]

Now I down't even need to check

From Wisconsin Public Radio comes a weekly program called "What'dya Know" with Michael Feldman. [It's a great show - sort of like PHC with humor :-)] Each week's program starts with a summary of the "news." A recent one included:


XYZ Tobacco has just introduced a smokeless cigarette. Just the thing to have after safe sex.

[thedrifter]

Alligators


A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous.

"But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!" However, the bartender is adamant. "If," the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?"

"Well, I guess so," says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that tha alligator is tame!"

The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!" he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG." And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG." And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Raplph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG." As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says, "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again.

"There," says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to try this?"

A girl in the back says, "Yeah, I'll try, but only if you promise not to hit me on the head so hard."

[thedrifter]

Minnesota Bashing

Minnesota Slogans

I came, I thawed, I transferred....
Survive Minnesota and the rest of the World is easy.
If you love Minnesota, raise your right ski.
Minnesota - where visitors turn blue with envy.
Save a Minnesotan - eat a mosquito.
One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
Minnesota - home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
Minnesota - mosquito supplier to the free world.
Minnesota - come fall in love with a loon.
Land of many cultures - mostly throat.
Where the elite meet sleet.
Minnesota: CLOSED FOR GLACIER REPAIRS
Land of 2 seasons: Winter is coming, Winter is here.
Minnesota - glove it or leave it.
Minnesota - have you jump started your kid today?
There are only 3 things you can grow in Minnesota: Colder, Older, & Fatter.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Why Minnesota? To protect Ontario from Iowa!
WARNING: You are entering Minnesota, Please use an alternate route!
Minnesota: theater of sneezes.
Jack Frost must like Minnesota - he spends half his life there.
Land of 10,000 Petersons.
Land of the ski and home of the crazed.
Minnesota - home of the Mispi-Mispp-Missispp (Where the damn river starts!)
10,000 lakes and no sharks!
In Minnesota ducks don't fly, people do!

[thedrifter]

Mad Martin

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws, tornados and droughts--not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he (Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: "If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can."

Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.

Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.

He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, "Wait here til I get back!" The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, "You pussycats stay here til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared, "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?"

Fred managed to say, "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?"

To which the fellow replied, "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here--Mad Martin's coming!"

[thedrifter]

Taking the low road


A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about the way of life there.

REPORTER: Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering material for a documentary about the way of life in the remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you??

SCOTSMAN: Certainly...

REPORTER: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?

SCOTSMAN: Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't.

You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't.

And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No, they don't.

But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep ....



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a Highlander with 4 sheep?
A: A pimp

[thedrifter]

Alien sex


Three questions to ask an alien before having sex:

(1) Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable to humans?

(2) Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past six months?

(3) Which one is your mouth?

[thedrifter]

The roots of Communism

From a collection of anecdotes from behind the Iron Curtain:)

Q. Who were the first Communists?

A. Adam and Eve. They had no clothes, no apartment, only one apple between them, and thought they lived in Paradise

[thedrifter]

Politics


Politics has long been the answer to the wit's prayer.
Examples:

"Politics --the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other." (Oscar Ameringer)

"Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen." (Winston Churchill)

"Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they don't want them to become politicians in the process." (John F. Kennedy)

"Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable." (John Kenneth Galbraith)

"A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years." (Harry S. Truman)




The quotes are excerpted from The Penguin Dictionary of Modern
Humorous Quotations.

[thedrifter]

Luck of the Irish


Two Irish lovers are sitting on a bench, in a park. They are holding hands, but the lady is nervously twisting her hands.

Mary: "Patrick. I have something to tell you."

Patrick: "Well, what's on your mind? You know you can tell me everything."

Mary: "It's so terrible."

Patrick: "You know you can trust me. What is it?"

Mary: "Well, it was a few years ago. Father lost his job, and no money in sight.."

Patrick: "So, what is it?"

Mary: "Oh. We were so desperate. For some time I had to turn ... prostitute!"

Patrick: "WHAT!"

Mary: "We needed the money so bad!"

Patrick: "There is no good reason for this! Endangering your very soul! How could you? YOU! Mary, this is more than I can stand!"

Mary: "Not you, Pat! No! I thought you'd understand. I thought you could still love me, even though I had been a *****."

Patrick: "Oh! ...You... Well, that's ok. For a moment I thought you said 'protestant'!"

[Phantom Blooper]

A man walks into an emergency room with a concussion,mutiple bruises,two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him what happened."Well,it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them. While we were rooting around I noticed that a cow had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up its tail,and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wifes monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.That's when I made my BIG mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor."Well,I lifted the cows tail and yelled to my wife, Hey this looks like yours!" I don't remember much after that......:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

On a hot July day we found this cat at our door.She was a sorry sight,starving,dirty,skinny,stinking and hair matted down.We felt sorry for her,put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so, and told us he would let us know when we can come and get her. My husband,the complaining type, said OK,but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El-Cheap-O,and my hubby calls him El-Take-O. The next day my hubby,had an appointment with his doctor which is located next door to the vet.The doctor's office was full of people(many of them our friends and neighbors)waiting to see the doctor. The vet saw my husband pull into the parking lot and go into the Dr.'s office,so he just walked over to the Dr.'s office popped his head inside the door and announces to my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way,I think shes pregnant.God only knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door.......:D

[Phantom Blooper]

While walking down the street one day a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the pearly gates."Welcome to Heaven,"says St. Peter."Before you settle in there seems there is a problem.We seldom see a high official around these parts,so we are not quite sure what to do with you.""No problem,just let me in," says the woman. Well,I'd like to but I have orders from higher up.What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven Then you can choose where you want to spend eternity." "Really I want to stay in Heaven," said the senator. "I've made up my mind."I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that he escorts her to to the elavator that takes her down to Hell.The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course,and in the distance she sees a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all her friends and politicians who used to work with her.Everyone is very happy to see her and run up and hug her and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich and famous at the expense of the people.They dine on steak,lobster and caviar.Also present is the Devil who is a very friendly guy,dancing and telling jokes.Before she realizes it,it is time to go back up to Heaven. When she arrives she is again greeted by St. Peter."Now it is time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state visiting and harp music , hymns and singing. they all had a good time and before she realizes it the 24 hours have passed and St. Peter again returns. She now had to decide where to spend eternity...Heaven or Hell."Well, Heaven is delightful,but I believe I will fit in better in Hell."So St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and down she goes to Hell.When she gets off, she sees a barren wasteland and all trash and rubbish.All her friends are dressed in rags,and it is hot,sweltering hot.Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over and puts his arm around her neck. She says,"I don't understand," stammers the senator yesterday I was here,everthing was beautiful and my friends looked marvelous and we had a great feast.Now the place is barren and full of trash and it is sweltering hot and my friends are miserable." The Devil looks at her, and smiles and says yesterday we were campaigning.... today you voted for us":evilgrin:

[thedrifter]

Telling an Optimist from a Pessimist [Again]


As told by Peter Ludwig of Austria at the National Cave Rescue Commission Cave Rescue Training Seminar:

How do you tell an Optimist from a Pessimist?

An optimist feels that in 20 years a pair of shoes will cost only 100 marks.

A pessimist feels that in 20 years a pair of shoes will cost only 100 rubles.

[thedrifter]

Fish Story


A lawyer and an engineer <or some other honest profession member :-) > were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That is quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I am here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked, "how do you start a flood?"

[thedrifter]

The eyes have it


There is this man, he has had problems lately with his sight, and feels it is now time to go see an optometrist.

When he comes in, the doctor tells him he will first do some simple testing, and shows him the standard sheet with letters of diminishing size: W X Z Y ...

So the doctor asks the man: "Can you read this?"

The man answers: "Of course I can. I am Polish!"

[thedrifter]

Astrology in the White House

The report that important decisions in the White House were based on astrological advice is most disturbing. The results could undermine faith in astrology."




Letter to the Editor
New York Times
15 May 1988

[thedrifter]

Open the gates

Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and Foreign Secretary Eduard Shevardnadze met on the eve of the recent super-power summit.)

"What can we do to impress the Americans?" Gorbachev asked Shevardnadze.

Replied the foreign secretary: "Well, we could open the gates of the Soviet Union for 24 hours."

"Don't be crazy," Gorbachev replied. "Everybody would go and it would leave only the two of us sitting here."

"Speak for yourself," shot back Shevardnadze

[thedrifter]

Amusing ? item for sale

Cemetary Plot, No. XXX, C of E Section,
XXXXXXXX Cemetary, $150. Phone XXX XXXX



I wondered if it was used or if the seller had decided not to go after all.

[thedrifter]

About speed...


These three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are:

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"

[thedrifter]

Comedy Day Celebration Jokes

Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in San Francisco. For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).

These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:


Michael McShane
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.

I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.


Sue Murphy
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"


Fred Reiss
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.


Jake Johansen
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."


Buzz Belmondo
It gives me great pleasure to introduce this next comedian. But before I give myself great pleasure....


Lank and Earl
Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.

Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?

Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 20,000 women.


Bruce Baum
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whooa, I'm way too high."


Mark Pitta
I like to sing to the songs on the radio in my car. When you go into a tunnel, it's hard to come out on the right note. Actually, the news is more difficult.

I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with Simple Minds. I also rent videos together too. Last week I rented "Bambi" and "The Deerhunter."


Mark Guido
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

I play golf even though I hate it. I'm not done with a game yet. I hate those windmills.


Steve Kravitz
How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?! What's the deal on those anyway? You can sleep in the back while you're waiting for a tow truck.


Jim Samuels
I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift.

This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I don't have to sit at the card table.

Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a party dressed as a Pinata.

Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.


Al Clethen
In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the highway shootings. They came out with 'Happy To Be Alive Meals.' LA is a real strange place. Even the Chinese Drivers honk me for driving too slow.


Kevin Rooney
I have one of those real old American-built cars. The kind that just PUNCHES through accidents.


John ?????
You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."


Michael Prichard
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.


Authors Unknown, but still funny
There are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, so drive as fast as you can. It's harder for drunk people to hit you.

Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."

You're a great crowd. No, you're not a crowd, you're a mob.

[thedrifter]

Japanese Management

Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnaped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.

"You, your companies and your countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?"

The Englishman spoke first.

"Before I die, I want to honor my contry and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all your men."

"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.

The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor MY country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men."

The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial management."

The terrorist turned finally to the American.

"What is YOUR last request?"

The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"

[thedrifter]

Centre for disease control

A fellow picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home.

When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes have had something dreadful happen to them.. "Eeek!" says she. "Oh, I used to have toe-lio," says he. "You mean polio?" "No, toe-lio." So they continue.

When he takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten with sledge hammers. "Eeek!" says she. "Oh, I used to have the knee-sles," says he. "You mean measles?" "No, knee-sles." Still undaunted, they continue.

When he takes off his underpants, she laughs and says, "Don't tell me! Small-cocks!"

[thedrifter]

Who is the greatest?


A judge, a bishop, and a conductor were having a discussion. All three were rather vain men, and their talk soon turned to the question of which of them was the greatest.

"Well," said the judge, "my position is one of dignity and power. When I walk into the courtroom, the bailiff says 'All rise!' and all the people stand to pay me honor."

"That's very nice," said the bishop. "People stand in your honor; but when people have an audience with me they kneel, kiss my ring, and they address me as 'Your Holiness.'"

The conductor snorted and said, "I think I got you both beat; when I step onto the podium, as guest conductor, the people look down, put their hands over their eyes, and say 'Oh, my God!'"

[thedrifter]

I see things differently...


Once upon a time, there was a woman working at a lingerie counter, and a customer came to the counter with a pair of frilly panties and said she'd like to buy them, adding, "but only of you can embroider `If you can read this, you're too close.' on the back."

So, the saleswoman took the panties to the tailor in back, and described the rather unusual request.

The tailor said, "Well, she sounds like a stick in the mud, but I can do that. Does she want block letters or script?"

Since the saleswoman didn't know, she went back around to the counter, and asked, "do you want that in block letters or script?"

The customer replied, with a smile, "Braille."

[thedrifter]

You almost got me Kilt!


A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair

[thedrifter]

Re: Heard on the Radio


I never did understand why it was supposed to be MEN that were responsible for the keeping of the toilet seat! Some women consistently complain (note the SOME) when men leave the seat up, and also complain when men don't put the seat up to begin with. Now I find the second disgusting, no one wants to sit on a wet toilet seat. But if the last person in the bathroom was female, the men are expected to lift the seat.
OK, I didn't post this last time it came around, but here is the sign I have in my bathroom.

As an historical note, I left a military sub-contractor (which is why the notice is cast in Milspeak) and lived for 3 weeks with a friend of the female persuasion, who constantly got on my case to keep the seat down. I vowed revenge when I got my own apartment, so



NOTICE TO USERS


The Water Closet Site Administrator (WCSITADMIN) for this commode equipment unit has elected a Most Recently Used (MRU) protocol with regard to the seat placement for the equipments at this site.

All users are requested to make determination as to their gender and intended use before attempting to use these equipments. Users should then determine the desired seat placement, based on this information, and chart 1, attached. Having made this determination, users should compare the actual seat placement, as determined by direct observation, with the desired seat placement determined above, and take the appropriate action, based on chart 2, attached.

It should be noted that the MRU protocol confers the following advantages vice the more commonly attempted INTHAMITH protocol:


Worst-case turn-around is improved, as in no case are two seat-adjustments required.
Worst-case throughput is improved, for above reasons.
Average-case throughput (random gender and use) is improved, as no compensating adjustments are performed.
Average-case throughput as measured is improved due to uneven gender distribution among users of a given equipment.
Wear and tear on the adjustment mechanism is reduced, yielding a greater MTBF.
User feedback is immediate and automatic, yielding a higher compliance rate.
Comments should be addressed to the WCSITADMIN.

[thedrifter]

Offensive to Construction workers and Leprechauns

(where "pppphhhhhbbbttttt" equals sticking you tongue between your lips and blowing air. A pseudo Bronx cheer.)

A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks up the the bar and sets on down. He proceeds to order a beer for himself and for the little Leprechaun.

Well, the guy and the Leprechaun drink about two beers when finally the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, trots down the bar and stands in front of a rather large construction worker. He looks at the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbttttttt" right to the big guy's face.

Well the Leprechaun trots on back on hops back onto his buddy's shoulder. The construction worker is a little ticked, but decides to shine on this breach of manners.

After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and again goes in front of the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbbttt" to the construction workers face.

The Leprechaun trots on back and hops back on his buddy's shoulder. The construction worker is visibly bothered, but decides not to do anything again.

Well sure enough, the guy and the Leprechaun drink another beer. Soon enough the Leprechaun hops down, trots in front of the construction worker and goes, "pppphhhhbbbttttt!" to his face. Well, this time the big guy has had enough of the little guy's manners and walks over to the fellow with the Leprechaun, again on his shoulder.

The construction worker tells this fella, "If your little friend does that again, I'm gonna cut off his little dick!" The fellow tells the big guy "Well Leprechauns don't have dicks." The big guy asks, "Well how does he go pee?" The fellow with the Leprechaun on his shoulder looks at the big guy and goes, "ppppphhhhbbbbtttttt."

[Phantom Blooper]

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee.He made it himself and he was so proud.Anxiously, he awaited to hear the verdict.The grandmother in all her life had not had such a bad cup of coffee.As she forced down the last sip,his grandmother noticed three of those green plastic army guys in the bottom of the cup.She asked, "Honey,why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"Her grandson replied, "You know grandma,it's like on TV. The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.":banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A man was having a problem with premature ejalculation,so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure this problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel yourself getting ready to ejaculate,try startling yourself."The same day,the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.At home he found his wife in bed naked,and waiting.As the two began they found themselves in the 69 position.The man,moments later,felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the stater pistol.The next day the man went back to the doctor.The doctor asked,"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol,my wife peed in my face,bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!":lick:

[thedrifter]

With apologies to Henny Youngman

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said:

"You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrance, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in.

"What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies:

"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

[thedrifter]

And a few soviet jokes

The five rules of Socialism:

1. Don't think

2. If you do think, don't speak

3. If you think and speak, don't write

4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign

5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How does the Soviet Constitution differ from the American?

Under the Soviet Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of speech, but under the United States constitution they are guaranteed freedom after speech.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is Poland just like the United States?

In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.

[thedrifter]

Jewish Mothers - from Leo Rosten

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.

"The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look, Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"

"Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'"

from Hooray For Yiddish by Leo Rosten

[thedrifter]

Help the Homeless


Like many people, I have been thinking about the problem of homelessness in America's cities. Besides the obvious suffering of the homeless people, the spectacle of raggedly dressed people bent for warmth in the subways and bus stations of the cities greets visitors with a pronouncedly negative image. I have struck upon a means of eliminating the privation of the homeless while lessening the adverse impact they have on the surrounding neighborhoods.

At a cost of about $250 per individual, each can be outfitted with a friendly Disney character costume. Generous insulation and bright, stain resistant colors would help to insure that the occupant remains warm inside and cheerful outside. As there are so many different characters, each participant would be able to choose which outfit most closely fits his style.

This landmark project would have manifold beneficial effects. Travelers arriving at the bus and train terminals would no longer comment on how awful it is to be met with wave attacks of unkempt panhandlers. Instead, their kids could laugh and feel safe and recall fondly how Mickey greeted them upon their arrival to the Big City. Replace the heart-rending image of a woman swaddled in torn clothes crouching for shelter in a shop doorway with that of a warm and sweetly blushing Snow White settled snugly down with her pullcart of possessions in the same alcove. A societal blemish has been instantly transformed into a fantasy attraction!

The boost this program could provide to the participants' sense of self-image would be tremendous. They would enjoy a strong sense of camaradery. Instead of facing a bleak street existence alone, they would belong to a happy family of playful ducks, dogs and chipmunks. This would give everybody something to be proud of. The necessity of keeping one's uniform spiffy and one's antics competitively endearing (to bolster handout revenues) would be easy and fun. And, as George Bush has observed, many of the homeless people on our streets already identify with popular cartoon figures. The transition would be painless for most everyone.

Expensive and marginally effective substance abuse recovery programs could be avoided by the simple expedient of dressing addicts and drunks as either pink elephants or Dopey the dwarf. A person suffering from a nervous tic could become Pinnochio the dancing puppet boy. Persons who habitually argue with demons or devils could be suited up with muffled headpieces to squelch the sudden shouts. Creative application of the basics outlined here would enable the administrators of this plan to massage away almost ANY obstacle, and allow them to artfully blend these people back into society.

[thedrifter]

Pausing to honour a funeral


This guy's wife was always wanting to go golfing with him and he said he didn't think she would enjoy it. She kept pressuring him and finally he gave in.

So they're on the golf course and on the first hole the guy hits one 300 yards down the middle of the fairway, hits his second shot three feet from the pin, and putts for a birdie. This lucky streak continues and he birdies 5 straight holes. Then they get to the 6th hole. He takes his driver and hooks one way out into the left rough behind a barn. They search and search and find the ball, and he says to his wife, "I'll just take a penalty and drop the ball out in the fairway."

His wife says, "Wait a minute!" She walks over to the barn and opens the door on one end and then goes to the other end and opens that door too. She says, "Look, honey, you can see the hole from here! The way you've been playing, just hit through the barn and you'll do okay."

So he grabs a 3 iron and takes a healthy swat, and it ricochets off the barn and hits his wife right between the eyes, killing her instantly.

The grief-stricken man didn't play golf for several years after his wife's death. Until one day, his friends finally talk him into a foursome. They go to the same course, and amazingly, he again birdies the first 5 holes. They get to the 6th tee and he hits another vicious hook behind the same barn! They finally find the ball and the guy says he will take a penalty drop in the fairway. One of his buddies says, "Wait a minute!" and runs and opens the barn doors.

The guy screams at him, "You dirty SOB, the last time I tried that, I took a 9 on this hole!!"

[thedrifter]

Two Hunters in Canada

Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada. Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, "Remember only one moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight than that." The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.

The pilot fumes, "I told you guys only one moose, you'll have to leave one because we won't be able to take off with that much weight." "Oh, c'mon," beg the two hunters, "Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, you're just a chicken."

Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake, straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, "Where are we?" To which the other hunter replies, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than last year."

[thedrifter]

Cheap at half the price


Chet Wolford tells this one:

An Erie, Pennsylvania executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend."

"That sounds fine," she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?"

The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company."

All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.

"Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!"

"Look," said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings."

"No. No," said the exec. "I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag."

The other man pondered for a moment and then said, "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living."

"Wow," said the other. "I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before."

"Still want me to play?" said the other.

"Sure," said the Erie exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?"

The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it.

The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, "Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife." He lowered the gun for a moment and said, "she doesn't have any clothes on." He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's a guy with her."

The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. "How much do you charge?"

"$10,000 a bullet," said the man.

The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, "Do it."

"Which one?" said the hit man.

"Both," said the exec.

"That's $20,000, you know."

"I don't care. hit 'em both."

The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked.

"You know where to hit him," said the exec.

"How about the woman?"

"In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway."

"Ok," said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. "Mister," he said, "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars."

[thedrifter]

More soviet jokes


Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance.

Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and took my Russian watch.

Desk Sergeant: Come again?

Czech: Are you deaf? Out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and took my Russian watch.

Desk Sergeant: You're confused. It was a Russian soldier who knocked you down and took your Swiss watch.

Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.

[thedrifter]

Vaseline salesman

A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country, when his car starts leaking and loses all its oil. Not knowing what to do, he fills the engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives away. It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets real warm, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the oil did. This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to look for a phone.

Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daughter are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes. "I did them this morning," complains the farmer. "Well I did them at lunch," says his wife. "And I'm tired from doing all the farmwork," says the daughter. So the farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first one to speak gets to do the dishes.

The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell. No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to the kitchen. They still won't answer, so he decides to see what else he can get away with. He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again. A while later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, "Why not?" After having sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired and exasperated. He thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another half-hour. So he asks, "Do you have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer jumps up and yells, "I'll do the dishes!"

[thedrifter]

Birds of a feather

An eagle was feeling rather horny, so he swooped down on a dove and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the dove said, "I'm a dove and I like love."

The eagle thought, "Stuff that," and tossed the dove out of the nest. Then the eagle spotted an owl. So he swooped down on the owl and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the owl said, "I'm an owl and I like to howl."

The eagle thought, "Stuff that," and tossed the owl out of the nest. Then the eagle spotted an duck. So he swooped down on the duck and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the duck said, "I'm a drake and I think you've made a mistake!"

[thedrifter]

The pop quiz

Four high school boys (and girls) afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:

"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

[Phantom Blooper]

A dentist noticed that his patient,a little old lady was nervous so he decided to tell her a joke as he was putting on his gloves."Do you know how they make these gloves?"he asked. "No,I don't.""Well he spoofed' " there's a big building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all sizes walk up to the tank dip their hands, let them dry,peel off the gloves and throw them in boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh well,I tried ,"he thought. But,five minutes later during the procedure she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"she said.:)

[thedrifter]

Making a mountain out of a Moel


A tourist in a strange town notices that her watch is broken. She starts looking for a repair shop. After a long and frustrating search she finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally, she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks and watches ticking merrily in the window. She walks into the shop and puts her watch on the counter in front of the proprietor.

Tourist: "Would you please repair this watch."

Proprietor: "Madam, I cannot repair your watch."

T: "But why not? It is an ordinary model."

P: "Madam, I do not repair watches. I am a moel, I perform circumcisions."

T (irritated): "Then why on earth do you have all these clocks in your window?"

P: "Well, and what should I have in my window?"

[thedrifter]

Angry husband


A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window."

[thedrifter]

37 more telephone responses

This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-*******. Right now, all our *******s are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an ******* return your call as soon as possible.

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.


[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.



Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.


[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
Leave a message...leave a message....etc.



Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone...the telephone is next to an answering machine...you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine...you hear a beep....

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!

I can't come to the phone now, so...hey--that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time...yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings...I might even play my beep for you...

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er...bear a...er...shalt not witness thy...uh...neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false...er...shalt not commit a bear...dern...

[thedrifter]

Boot camp, U.S. Marines

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.

The Sergeant bellows, "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you (deleted) to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$$&*s!"

The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention.

The Sergeant hollers, "LOOSEN RANKS!"

The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest.

"Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.

"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.

"Why not?" barks the Captain.

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"

[thedrifter]

Sock-it to me


A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "when I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

[thedrifter]

Generic Jokes


1) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

(2) Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity?

A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group

[thedrifter]

A young JEDR woman gets married...

Well, a young JEDR woman got married, you see, and as is traditional with JEDR custom, she was a virgin and knew nothing of the ways of Luv.

On her wedding night, she ran downstairs to her mother and cried, "Momma, momma, what do I do?"

Her mother replied, "Don't you worry, girl. Just lie back and enjoy yourself."

So the girl went back upstairs to where her husband was waiting. When she entered the room, she found that he'd removed his shirt, and his arms and chest were very broad, and very hairy.

She ran screaming back down the stairs. "Momma, momma," she cried. "He's gotta BIG HAIRY CHEST!"

Her mother calmly replied, "Don't you worry, girl. He's gotta a big hairy chest, that just mean he gotta BIIIIG love muscle. You go back uppa there and have a good time."

So back up the stairs she went. This time, when she entered the room, her husband had removed his trousers, and she saw his strong, muscled, hairy legs.

She ran screaming back down the stairs. "Momma, momma," she cried. "He's gotta THICK HAIRY LEGS!!"

Her mother calmly replied, "Don't you worry, girl. He's gotta thick hairy legs, that just mean he gotta LARGE junket pump. You go back uppa there and lie down and enjoy yourself."

So back up she goes. As she enters the room, she sees his feet for the first time--and one of them is half missing!

She ran screaming back down the stairs. "Momma, momma," she cried. "He's gotta FOOT AND A HALF!!"

Her mother rushed upstairs with the words, "Outa my way, girl. This is a job for your momma!"

[thedrifter]

Ashes to ashes...


After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.

Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.

"Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

"And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air, "there's that blow job I was promising you."

[thedrifter]

Healing by the pipes

A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours. The Scot replied, "If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would make me very happy." So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the room and play for the dying man.

When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a miracle cure that he couldn't explain. When the pipes began to play the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2 Englishmen in for checkups died.

[thedrifter]

It's not the meat


A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him. Each time he'd look away and finally came over, a bit embarrassed.

"I'm sorry sir, let me buy you a drink."

He accepted and accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks.

"Really sir, surely you know this, you must be the ugliest man I've ever seen and I can't keep from staring at you."

"You think I'm pretty ugly? That ugly? Are you a betting man?"

"Well it depends on what I'm betting on, but I do bet from time to time."

"Do you see that cute little blonde sitting over there with that young man? I've got $50 that says I'll go over there and pick her up."

The bartender accepted immediately, plopping his $50 on the bar next to the customer's who had started to approach the table but wheeled and came back.

"I've got another $50 that says that I'll pat her on the fanny as we walk by you and she'll give you a wink."

The bartender quickly added another $50 and shortly after that the guy walked out with the blonde on his arm and as they went by he patted her on the fanny, she winked at the bartender, and the guy collected the win.

Astonished the bartender went over to the table where she had been sitting to quiz the young man she had been with, he was sitting there with a stunned look on his face.

"My gosh fellow, I'm amazed! What did he do? What did he say?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all! He just stood there; licking his eyebrows..."

[thedrifter]

Cleanliness is next to ...


A great Soviet general was once asked by his adjutant, "Comrade General, what is the meaning of Marxist dialectic?"

The general replied, "I will explain it to you with an example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?"

"Of course," replied the adjutant.

"No, you're wrong," said the general. "A filthy man is filthy by his nature, and will not go in to the bath house. Only clean men, knowing the virtues of cleanliness, will bathe."

"I understand, comrade general."

"Now, let me give you another example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?"

"Absolutely not," replied the adjutant immediately.

"You're wrong again," said the general. "Why should a filthy man not enter a bath house? He is dirty, the bath house is there to enable him to become clean, and he will use it."

"I think I understand, comrade."

"Now, one last example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"Now, comrade, you truly understand the meaning of Marxist dialectic."

[thedrifter]

History Lesson

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son
of
> a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
> The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who
said
> "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
> She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.
> "Patrick Henry, 1775."
> "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
> people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
> Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said
> Martinez.
> The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
> Martinez,who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you
> do."
> She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
> "Who said that?" she demanded.
> Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
> At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
> The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
> Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
> Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
> Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
> "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
> Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you say
> anything else, I'll kill you."
> Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra
> Levy 2001."
> The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the
> floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble!"
> Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

[Barrio_rat]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yes. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a second and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[thedrifter]

Marines Making Love - Is It Fun or Work:

A group of Marine Corp Officers are standing around talking when a Lieutenant, said "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work.

Then a Major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."

They are all contemplating these revelations when a Gunnery Sergeant walks by. The officers call the Gunny over to ask his opinion.

The Major says, "Excuse me Gunny, we are having a discussion and would like your input." "The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The Captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Gunny, what is your opinion?"

The Gunny smiles and says, "Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any work involved, you would have the enlisted Marines doing it for you."

[Phantom Blooper]

A teacher asked her class,"What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back raised her hand and said "All I want out of life is four animals." The teacher asked,"really and what four animals would that be?"The little girl said"a mink on my back,a jaguar in the garage,a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for it all.":banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

(FACT) The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejalculates,but only 10% of that actually makes it to his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean when the whale unloads. And you wonder why the ocean is so salty.......pass it on don't swallow the water!!:evilgrin:

[thedrifter]

A Man With A Problem

A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician.

"Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.

"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."

[thedrifter]

Searing to new heights

A large oil field in Oklahoma suffers a disaster in the form of a huge rig fire. The foreman, desperate to curtail the blaze, thumbs through the phone book for Red Adair's number (Red is a famous oil-firefighter). Foreman finds the number, calls, and is told that Red is unavailable, since he's fighting an off-shore rig fire in Southern California.

Desperate, the foreman returns to the book and finds, listed under Red Adair, a "Red <suitable JEDR surname>," advertising rig fire services at $100 per hour. Since this is CONSIDERABLY cheaper than Adair anyway, the guy calls and describes the situation. He is assured that someone will be on the scene within the hour.

True to his word, within 45 minutes the foreman sees a vehicle approaching the scene of the blaze at top speed. As it gets closer, he notes that it is a grungy '68 pickup, with a load of JEDRs in the back. Without slowing, the pickup drives directly into the middle of the fire, everyone in the back jumps out with soaking-wet blankets, and with intense screaming and running around, proceed to beat out the fire completely.

Red approaches the foreman and gives him a bill for $100 (one hour minimum) The foreman is so impressed, he offers him an additional $500 bonus for the prompt and effective work. "Man, this will REALLY help," says Red.

"Oh?" says the foreman. "How so?"

"Now I can go buy brakes for the truck."

[thedrifter]

Margaret Thatcher joke

Through some cosmic fluke, Reagan, Thatcher, and Gorbachev all died on the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that these were all VIPs, sent them straight off to the Almighty.

God, sitting on his throne, called up Reagan.

"Ronald, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"

"I tried to improve the US economy," replied Reagan, "and I did my best to benefit the nation."

"Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my right hand."

And so Reagan sat at his right.

God then called up Gorbachev.

"Mikhail, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"

"I tried to make Soviet society more open," replied Gorbachev, "and I did my best to improve the Soviet economy."

"Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my left hand."

And so Gorbachev sat at his left.

God then called up Thatcher.

"Margaret, my daughter, what have you to say for yourself?"

"Only two things," replied Thatcher. "First of all, I'm not your daughter. Secondly, get out of my chair!"

[thedrifter]

The Chairman

From former chairman of the US Federal Reserve Paul Volcker according to the Wall Street Journal:

A parrot fancier who happened into a London pet shop noticed a particularly colorful bird and asked its price.

"Five thousand pounds," the shop owner replied.

"Five thousand pounds?" the man asked. "Why so much?"

"Well, this bird speaks fluent Italian, Spanish and French, is brushing up on his German and starting to study English," came the reply. "With the European Community's unification due in 1992, he'll be a great asset."

"I don't care about the Common Market," the parrot fancier said. "What about that gray one in that other cage?"

The gray one was 15,000 pounds, he was told, because the bird spoke Arabic, Chinese, and Korean and was learning Japanese--"the languages of the 21st century."

"I'm too old to worry about the 21st century," the frustrated parrot lover replied. "What about that mangy brown one up on that perch in the corner?"

The brown one, said the shopkeeper, was 25,000 pounds.

"Twenty-five thousand pounds!" exclaimed the customer. "What does he do to worth that?"

"We're not sure," the pet-shop owner replied. "But the other two call him chairman."

[thedrifter]

The old chat-up lines are the best...

A young country Irish lad is at the local barn dance. He spies in the distance, a fine looking young lassie (girl!). After building up as much courage as he can, he saunters over to her and asks her would she like to dance. She does, so they do. After a few slow dances he looks her straight in the eye and says, "Can I smell your fanny?" to which she, not altogether unsurprisingly replies "You certainly can NOT!!" He nonchalantly turns to her and says, "Oh, it must be your feet then."

[thedrifter]

The Franklin Mint

New from the Franklin Mint: American Coins of the 1970's.

Over ten million US Coins were minted in the 1970's and now, through the Franklin Mint, you can collect them all.

Each coin has been crafted in a genuine American mint. Note the stunning clarity of the ridges on the side of the Washington quarter, the intricate lettering on the Roosevelt dime, and the crystal clear appearance of Lincoln's beard on the penny.

Every month, a set of six coins will be sent to you. Each coin will be mounted on a hermetically sealed page, designed to last for thousands of years to come. You may elect to keep the set and pay $19.95, or you may cancel at any time.

The 1970's are since gone, but American Coins of the 1970's will be treasured for years to come. This offer is available for a limited time, so order your set now!

Operators are standing by at 1-800-555-1212. Call now!

[thedrifter]

Diplomatic reciprocity


2. SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE. In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international space research facility in response to US complaints that the radar would violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the US reciprocate by turning the unfinished US embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.

[thedrifter]

An Example of Deaf Humor

A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon moving into their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the middle of the night, the woman has a headache, so she goes into the bathroom for aspirin. But she finds none, and remembers that the bottle of aspirin is still in the car.

Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and asks him to go get the aspirin from the car. The very groggy husband puts on his robe and toddles wearily outside. He finds the bottle of the aspirin in the car's glove compartment, and gets ready to go back to the room when he realizes something: he can't remember which room was his!

He thinks and thinks and then gets an idea. He opens the car again and honks the steering wheel horn several times. Within a minute, all the motel's windows lighten up--except one window, and of course, he makes for the room with that window

[thedrifter]

David's LAST Wish


From the Winchendon Observer, 19 December 1988)

12 Year Old Guinness Record Holder Dead

(AP) December 18, 1988 - Streetly, England - Mario Morby, a 12 year old record holder in the "Guinness Book of World Records," was killed yesterday when he asphyxiated under the weight of hundreds of thousands of postcards that accidentally toppled on him. Morby, a cancer patient currently in remission, collected the postcards from supporters all over the world who took sympathy on his condition. The bulk of Morby's collection, estimated at over 2 million with 30,000 arriving daily, was turned over to an auction house for disposal. Morby had retained about 500,000 of the nicer ones.

Florida Child's Wish Come True, Inc. publicized Mario's wish for postcards. "Had we realized the trouble that we caused, we would have never gotten involved," said Frances Keefe, the founder of the Spring Hill, Florida organization that specializes in satisfying the last wishes of dying children. They used the pseudonym "David" when requesting postcards on Morby's behalf. "It makes us heartsick," Keefe continued, "to realize that we have contributed to this gentle child's death. He was in remission, and his spirits were up. Those postcards were his life."

Morby's body was discovered by the family dog, who notified the district constable. Foul play is not suspected.

Ross McWhirter, author of the "Guinness Book of World Records," said in a prepared statement that "it is ironic that Morby's record has been overshadowed by that of another boy named 'David' who is dying of leukemia. In tribute to Morby, however, we have decided to enter him in a new category in the mid-year 1989 update edition: `Most Senseless Death.'"

[thedrifter]

Wisdom of the Gods


A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !

He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN !

Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE !

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27 !

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.

.....

The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: **** !

[thedrifter]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,
he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at
a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's
one that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you
that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that
way; they have all the water you need."

The Arab thanked him, staggered away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was
sitting behind his card table. The man said, "...I told you, about four miles
over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in
without a tie."

[thedrifter]

Paddy Faces Up to Saddam

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering how to bug George W. Bush even more when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Saddam paused.

"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. I've increased my army to one million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan''s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "We've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

[Osotogary]

Enjoy!:)

[Phantom Blooper]

Driving to the office this morning on the interstate,I looked over to the left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple of seconds,and when I looked back she was halfway in my lane,still working on that makeup.As a man,I don't scare easily.But she scared me so much;I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs,splashed,and burned Big Jim and the Twins,ruined the damn phone,soaked my trousers,and disconnected an important call.DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!:p

[thedrifter]

Aural exam


There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, you are wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy answered "Easy. You can't wear eye glasses. You don't have any f*cking ears!"

[thedrifter]

Some comments from Julius

These are all true Groucho Marx anecdotes garnered from "The Portable Curmudgeon" compiled by Jon Winokur.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Groucho Marx was having problems sexually (premature ejaculation). Someone recommended a topical cream guaranteed to prolong erection. When asked later whether it worked, Groucho replied, "I came rubbing the stuff on."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guest on Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" television show was a woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the woman explained sheepishly.

"I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a while."

[thedrifter]

Guinness joke


middle aged woman and her husband visit a disco, just to remember what it used to be like. After a few dances they sit down at the side to recuperate. After a few minutes, a man comes over and asks the woman to dance. She is rather flattered and with an approving glance from her husband, accepts the invitation.

Well, after a few minutes bopping, the man leans over to her and says, "You know, I think you're really good looking, could I kiss you, please?"

The woman is rather taken aback and replies, "Certainly not - I'm a married woman and that's my husband over there."

The music continues, and after another few minutes the man leans over again and says, "I really do think that you're the most attractive woman I've seen for ages, could I feel your tits, please?"

By now the woman is getting angry, and replies, "Of course not, what sort of person do you think I am?"

They continue dancing, and after a little while longer the man leans over for a third time and says, "I think you're so lovely that I'd like to turn you upside down, fill you with Guinness and drink it."

The woman is completely shocked, slaps the man in the face and goes back to her husband. "Do you know what that man wanted to do to me?" she asked him, "he wanted to kiss me."

"What??" exclaimed her husband.

"And that's not all, he wanted to feel my tits as well" she continued.

Husband gets up - "Where is he? I'll show him, I'll knock his block off."

"And there's more," said his wife. "He wanted to turn me upside down, fill me with Guinness and drink it."

Her husband immediately sits down again. "What are you sitting down for?" she asked, "I thought you were going to go and sort him out?"

"You must be joking," her husband replied. "I'm not messing with anyone that can drink sixteen pints of Guinness

[thedrifter]

Letter to my wife


TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times, I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often :


1. WE WILL WAKE THE CHILDREN...17 times
2. IT'S TOO LATE...15 times
3. I'M TOO TIRED...5 times
4. IT'S TOO EARLY...52 times
5. IT'S TOO HOT...15 times
6. PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP...49 times
7. THE NEIGHBOURS WILL HEAR...9 times
8. BACKACHE...2 times
9. HEADACHE...26 times
10. SUNBURNT...10 times
11. YOUR MOTHER WILL HEAR US...36 times
12. NOT IN THE MOOD...21 times
13. YOU WILL WAKE THE BABY...17 times
14. WATCHING THE LATE SHOW...7 times
15. TOO SORE...9 times
16. NEW HAIRDO...6 times
17. THE WRONG TIME OF THE MONTH...14 times
18. YOU HAD TO GO TO THE TOILET...19 times




Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory, because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND :

I think you have got things a little confused. Here are the reasons you did not get more than you did :


1. CAME HOME DRUNK AND TRIED TO **** THE CAT...7 times
2. DID NOT COME HOME AT ALL...29 times
3. DID NOT COME...14 times
4. CAME TOO SOON...26 times
5. WENT SOFT BEFORE YOU GOT IN...18 times
6. TOES IN A CRAMP...9 times
7. WORKING TOO LATE...51 times
8. YOU HAD A RASH - PROBABLY FROM A TOILET SEAT...21 times
9. SOMEBODY KICKED YOU IN THE BALLS, IN A FIGHT...4 times
10. CAUGHT IT IN YOUR ZIPPER ... 8 times
11. GOT A COLD, YOUR NOSE KEPT RUNNING...14 times
12. BREWERS DROP AND ALCO-LIMP...95 times
13. YOUR TEA WAS TOO HOT - BURNT TONGUE...8 times
14. YOU HAD A SPLINTER IN YOUR FINGER...4 times
15. LOST IT AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT ALL DAY...13 times
16. CAME IN YOUR PJs WHILE READING DIRTY BOOK...8 times




Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you missed, and were ****ing the sheets. It wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back, or kneeling."
The times you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to breathe. However, six months ago, I phoned the A.A. for help, and their rep. has been calling on me most afternoons.

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.

"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.

His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.

I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father.

Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing? ****ing them?"

[thedrifter]

Funny who you meet

woman meets elderly gentleman on the street.

Her: Aren't you Ed Filby? I haven't seen you in thirty-years.

Him: That's me.

Her: You look pretty good - but a little pale. Where you been?

Him: Been in jail actually.

Her: Really! What did you do?

Him: Well, I killed my wife. I chopped her up in little pieces and put her in the garbage disposal.

Her: Oh!... so you're not married!

[thedrifter]

Death of a Pheasant

My uncle told me about one of his friends, Howard, who was hired to participate in one of those "Saturday Sportsman" shows. His job was to hide in the bushes, holding a pheasant, and release it at the appropriate moment, so that it could be promptly shot down for the pleasure of the viewing audience.

Howard's first brush with Hollywood was very exciting. Granted, no one would ever see him, his name wouldn't be in the credits, but, at least it was "Show Business!" Provided with a pheasant, and installed in a certain stand of corn stalks, Howard waited for his cue to hurl the bird into the air.

You, the viewer, don't see Howard, of course. You do see two Serious Hunters stalking around, making Especially Wise Hunting Remarks. You are admiring the perfect hunting dogs. And, just before the commercials, magically, there is a flurry, a pheasant rises, accelerating, bright wings beating furiously. This pheasant is an eager flier, having been mysteriously held by normally lethal humans for about 40 minutes. So, the pheasant, making his escape, meets his Maker instead, in the form of a wall of buckshot. Pheasant drops, dogs expertly retrieve, hunters unctuously auto-congratulate.

Howard's turn to release his pheasant is approaching. He is very nervous; this brush with Broadway is thrilling. He waits, determined to expertly send this bird into the path of many little lead pellets: so perfectly, that a Hollywood producer will see that bird, and think, "my God, that bird was very skillfully launched." "Phone call for Howard, it's Spielberg!" The fantasy is delicious.

And now, the Moment! It's the signal! Every muscle in Howard's body surges in the orbital delivery of this winged target. The pheasant arcs up, up, up..... It's not flapping its wings very hard, though. In fact, it's not flying at all. Now the pheasant-projectile has passed its apogee, and is streaking down for reentry with the cornfield. Howard's pheasant looks more like a rock disguised as a pheasant than a real live pheasant. With a sickening thud, the pheasant slams into the solid planet. The dogs wince and look away. The hunters congratulate themselves on another superb display of hunting prowess, made more remarkable by the absence of any shooting.

The camera swings away. Howard is crushed, his chance for pheasant-slinging glory gone. The pheasant is crushed as well. Upon post-mortem, it develops that Howard, in his anticipatory excitement, has strangled the pheasant. It was horribly massaged to death, in Howard's nervous hands.

[thedrifter]

Rabbinic wisdom

ong ago in a Polish town there lived a wise Rabbi. One night a peddler came to the Rabbi's house. "Rabbi," he said, "I am going to kill myself!"

"Heaven, forbid!" cried the Rabbi, "What could make you have such a sinful thought?"

"Is it better than I should starve to death! Today my horse died and without a horse I cannot earn my living!"

"Look," said the Rabbi, "the Holy One, Blessed be He, will provide for you. Tonight, at midnight, meet me at the stable of the Count." The peddler had no idea what the Rabbi could mean, but obediently he arrived at the Count's stables at 12 o'clock sharp. The Rabbi took him to one of the stalls and told him to take the beautiful white stallion standing there.

"Oy, vay!" said the peddler, "I can't do this, the Count will have me hanged!"

"Don't worry," the Rabbi assured him, "take the horse and go in peace." Since in those days one did not disobey a Rabbi, the peddler did as he was told.

When he had gone the Rabbi lay down in the stall and went to sleep. The next morning the Count arrived with his groom and seeing the man asleep on the floor, kicked him and cried: "Hey you, who are you, what are you doing here, where is my horse?!"

The Rabbi sat up and rubbed his eyes. Then he jumped to his feet and raised his hands to the sky and cried: "Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!"

"What's this, what's this," cried the Count,"what is going on, who are you, where is my horse??!"

"Don't you understand?" said the Rabbi, "I was your horse! I used to be a famous scholar. But one night I succumbed to the Evil Impulse and went to a prostitute. In punishment the Holy One turned me into your horse. But in my misery I repented and prayed for forgiveness. Finally my prayers were heard and I have been changed back into a human being. Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!"

Now the Count was a devout man and a respecter of miracles and so he also cried, "Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!" and let the Rabbi go.

Several weeks later the Count was riding through the town. Suddenly he spied the peddler leading his beautiful white stallion. He leaped from his carriage and ran to the beast, struck him brutally on the rear end with his riding crop and shrieked: "Scoundrel! Ingrate! Going to prostitutes again??!!"

[thedrifter]

Mom's Brownies

MOM'S BROWNIES

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing
shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows
for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call
was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct
dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you
have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside
while there's still time and he's still able to run away.




FROSTING

Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away--
far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't
know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the
street. Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2
minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden
hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for
ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven

[thedrifter]

Sing your heart out

There was a little girl whose mother was very strict. Her mother tried to make her daughter behave in a very decent manner, but the girl was still three and half years old. One day the family went to a party, and in the middle of the party the girl cried, "Mommy I want to go restroom." This drew a lot of attention and the mother felt embarrassed about her daughter. At home she advised that whenever she wants to go to restroom she should say, "I want to sing."

After a couple of days the girl's grandfather came to visit them. She liked her grandfather very much. At night, she slept with her grandfather, who put her to sleep with a story. After couple of hours, she woke up and said, "Grandpa I want to sing." The grandpa was afraid of causing a disturbance past midnight if the girl began singing, so he told her in a very low voice, "Baby if you want to sing, sing in my ears."

[thedrifter]

A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs.She browses
around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she
bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts very loudly.

Very embarassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her
little accident and hopes a sales person does not show up right now.

As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day madam. How may I help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?"

He answers "Madam, if you farted just touching the rug, you are very likely
to **** when you hear the price"

[Phantom Blooper]

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on what kind of chick he marries.Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.Too many couples marry for better or worse,but not for good.When a man marries a woman,they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.If a man has enough horsesense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,she will never turn into an old nag.Judging from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.On anniversaries the wise husband often forgets the past---but not the present.A foolish husband says to his wife: Honey,you stick to the washin'ironin'cookin'and scrubbin'."No wife of mine is gonna work."The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.Many girls like to marry a military man he can cook,sew,make beds,and is already in good health.And he's already used to taking orders.Grandpappy and his wife were discussin' their50th wedding anniversary,when she said,"Shall I kill a chicken tonight?" "Naw" said Grandpappy."Why blame a bird for something that happened 50 years ago.":banana:

[Osotogary]

Enjoy!
Gary

[thedrifter]

Fruits of love

A young couple have just got married and are wandering through the countryside looking for somewhere to stay. They come to a farm and knock on the door. The farmer answers the door and they explain how they have just got married, and don't have a lot of money but would like somewhere to stay for a few days. The farmer being a kind hearted soul offers them the hay loft in his barn, where they retire to immediately. A few days go by and there is no sign of the young couple emerging from the barn. After a week, the farmer becomes a bit concerned, so he goes out to the barn and shouts up, "Are you all right in there?"

"Yes thank you," comes the reply.

"Aren't you getting hungry?" asked the farmer, "You haven't been out for a week."

"It's all right," comes the reply, "we're living off the fruits of love."

"Well," said the farmer, "I do wish you'd stop throwing the skins out the window!"

[thedrifter]

Firing Squad

The dew was still wet as the prisoner was let out into the yard for the last time. The soldiers of the firing detail shuffled out to their usual positions as the guards led the prisoner to the stake at the far end of the paddock. There, he was securely bound as the captain of the guards stepped forward to contend with the final courtesies.

"Blindfold?" he inquired.

"No, thank you," said the condemned.

The captain was a little taken aback at the difficulty and leaned forward so as not to be heard.

"Please," he said, "take the blindfold. It is not an act of cowardice to be spared this spectacle. It makes it MUCH easier for you."

The condemned thought for a moment and relented. The blindfold was tied over his eyes.

"Cigarette?" offered the captain.

"No thanks," said the prisoner, "I don't smoke."

Here again the captain paused and thought of a tactful approach. He leaned in and spoke in a confidential tone.

"No matter. Please take the cigarette. It makes it MUCH easier for the men on the firing squad."

[thedrifter]

Summitry


At the end of World War II Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin met at the famous Yalta Conference. During a break the three chiefs of state were relaxing. Wanting to show off a bit Roosevelt took out a silver cigarette case on which was engraved: "To FDR from a loyal Democratic Party."

Not to be outdone Churchill took out a gold cigar case on which was engraved: "To Winston from the loyal Tories."

Stalin then smiled broadly and reaching into his vest withdrew an enormous cigar case encrusted with rubies and emeralds on which was written: "To Count Esterhazy from the Vienna Jockey Club."

[thedrifter]

Newlyweds

Once upon a time, there was a village.

The people in the village were extremely conservative. No one talked about sex. Newlyweds had to figure out how to do such business on their own because no one ever talked about it in their lifetime.

A mischievous couple decided to pull a practical joke on a pair of people getting married.

The man pulled the groom-to-be aside and talked to him privately: "I know it is not appropriate to talk to you about sex life. But you are getting married soon, I don't want you to get hurt."

"What is it? What is it? Let me know," the ignorant groom eagerly asked.

The man first told him what sex was all about. And he said, "But you have to be careful. Some women grow teeth in their `private place.' Some poor men have lost their valuable body part to these ruthless jaws."

"How should I find out? What should I do on the first night?"

"Fear not, young man. Let me tell you what to do. Don't take any risks. On the first night, test her first with your knee."

The woman also talked to the bride-to-be in private: "You are getting married soon. I cannot resist warning you..."

The bride also eagerly asked for advice.

The woman first explained to her what would happen in bed the first night, then she said, "Some men have a HUGE life-threatening penis. If you have sex with this type of man, you may not survive."

"Oh, please help me. What should I do?" The bride was scared.

"Well, let me tell you what I did on my first night," she lied. "I sharpened my finger nails and put my hand in front of my vulnerable spot, and grabbed anything that approached."

In the wedding night, the shy newlywed slipped into bed in pitch darkness. Moments later, both screamed in horror.

... And they slept separately ever after.

[thedrifter]

Uzi vs...


The following advertisement appeared in one of the munition magazines:

The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance. The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four fully loaded, 32 round clips of 125 grain 9 mm ammunition.

The owner of the Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered--and delivered on target--in less time and with less effort.

All for $795. It's inevitable.

If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1--or any personal computer--he's the one whose in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied into Ethernet or other local area networks.

What about the new 16-bit computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find what UNIX means.

Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi--and come home a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.

[thedrifter]

Prudes and Virgins Digest, v.1 #6 (NOT13)


Prudes and Virgins Digest, v.1 #6 (NOT13) Mon Dec 5 15:12:04 PST 1988

WARNING: This digest may contain material not suitable for Reader's Digest. Do not read if you find this type of material offensive.



Contributions: pvdigest@ernie.Berkeley.EDU Comments: nj@ernie.Berkeley.EDU Mailing List requests: pvdigest-request@ernie.Berkeley.EDU
The Prudes and Virgins Digest is freely redistributable.

-- nj



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Date: Thu, 1 Dec 88 11:15:22 PST
Author: Reginald
Topic: Interesting positions I have discovered
Contact: reg3




Good evening.
Recently, whilst engaged in--well, let's be perfectly frank, this is an open forum after all--intercourse with my wife, i discovered an amazing new position, in which the female partner occupies what might be called the "dominant" or "top" position, rather than the more proper bottom position. We were curious as to whether anyone else has tried this revolutionary concept. We're rather afraid to admit it in public, since I think it falls outside of the bounds of general decency and propriety...but, as the common people say, life is too short not to "live it up" a little, eh what?


Reginald




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thu, 1 Dec 88 21:43:05 PST
Author: Jonathan
Topic: A question
Contact: jonp




I've been thinking about...er...well, you know, and...um...I was just wondering if...if...you know...has anyone ever had any experience doing... I mean does anyone know any good techniques for...oh never mind.


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Date: Fri, 2 Dec 88 10:02:33 PST
Author: GERTRUDE
Topic: KISSING
Contact: gert5

DEAR PRUDES AND VIRGINS DIGEST.



MY BOYFRIEND KEEPS TELLING ME IT IS OKAY TO KISS EACH OTHER ON THE LIPS AND NOT KEEP OUR LIPS PUCKERED SECURELY. IS THIS NORMAL?


GERTRUDE

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Fri, 2 Dec 88 11:15:56 PST
Author: Robert
Topic: confessions...
Contact: robertw



ive never told anyone else about this before, but i thought you all might like to hear about it. it all started one night when i was studying for a physics test all alone in a classroom and this girl walked in and sat down and started studying. i couldn't help but notice her most prominent features. i had a hard time concentrating on my textbook. all i could think about was introducing myself to her. i imagined myself walking up to her--actually walking up to a real woman--and GREETING her. i reached down and started idly playing with my calculator as i fantasized. i thought of asking her out for frozen yogurt. i thought of "accidentally" brushing against her round, soft hands. i couldn't stand it. i had to do it. but then she got up and left.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Date: Fri, 2 Dec 88 16:49:23 PST
Author: Samuel
Topic: What turns you on?
Contact: samt




Hey I don't know about all you guys but I get really aroused whenever a girl says, "Have a nice day" to me. Is this weird? Should I go see a shrink? The short women in "Willow" really turn me on to.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 15:35:01 PST
Author: Linda
Topic: hi
Contact: lindal




um hi im new to this sex thing but the guy im with keeps telling me its ok im not supposed to enjoy it as much as he does,,,is that right? and what does he mean when he tells his friends "she don't care i've only got three inches?" thankyou


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Date: Fri, 2 Dec 88 13:22:42 PST
Author: Melville
Topic: Hot digitized pix!
Contact: mel2




Hey "dudes," I got lots of ]<OOL digitized pictures. They're all very -->REVEALING<-- if you know what i mean *wink*. I've got Betty White in a low-cut gown, I've got Oprah Winfrey in a miniskirt (and I do mean MINI!!!) and the best of them all is my pic of LINDA RONSTADT wearing a BIKINI!!!!! And if THAT don't turn you on you MUST be weird!!! Write me for more info!!!!!! (I want to TRADE too...I've been looking for a good Shirley Jones for "MILLENNIAS"!!!!)


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Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 17:12:29 PST
Author: Patrick
Topic: "Bondage"
Contact: rickb




Hello--
Does anyone know anything about "bondage?" Is it like, "male bonding?"

Thanks.

Patrick

Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 18:22:03 PST
Author: Elizabeth
Topic: Nightwear
Contact: lizb




Dear Prudes and Virgins Digest,
This is ever so awkward, but i was wondering what your readers would consider to be...ummm....attractive... in the way of nightwear. Do the readers prefer cotton, flannel or rayon full length nightgowns? Is there a tendency towards prints or solids? Fitted or roomy?

This is truly a burning question on my mind, as just the other evening as my husband Percy and I were each reading various excerpts from Better Homes and Gardens Do-It Yourself Guide to Home Remodeling and Percy commented that perhaps to lend excitement to our marriage in much the same way our new storm windows add pizazz to our living room I should invest in some new nightwear. I hope your readers can assist me in my shopping endeavors.

Elizabeth



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Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 20:49:13 PST
Author: J. Jacob
Topic: Re: "Oral Majority"
Contact: jjc




That's DISGUSTING! You are SICK SICK SICK!!! To think that they even LET people like you in...why, why I'll bet you even vote DEMOCRAT!!!! Brother Falwell should kick ALL of you commie bastards out!!!!!!!


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Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 23:13:52 PST
Author: Hanna
Topic: Wild fantasies
Contact: hrb




Dear P and V Digest
Just the other day I engaged in the most unbelievable fantasy :^). I needed to study for my Chaucer exam and ducked into what I'd hoped to be an unused classroom. Well, this was the furthest from the truth. There was a young man in this room, but I was feeling a bit, shall we say devil-may-care, and i brought my books in and sat in a desk about two or three rows over from the young man. He was quite attractive, what with his neatly manicured hands and crisply shaved sideburns, and his shirt was neatly pressed as well. I very much wanted him to approach me, and to offer me a refreshment of some sort. We could discuss literature or this season's choice of music here with the University Symphony or perhaps the social happening next week at the Christian Center. My thoughts ranged even further into the future, about how, if we were married, we could have wild, frenzied family picnics.

His shoes were neatly buffed, and he was reading what appeared to be some scientific manual or text, and he must have been an intelligent and well-mannered young man, and he would been an excellent conversationalist, and, well, just thinking of him talking to me got me so....ruffled.... i just had to go get a lemonade from the Cafeteria and I left quickly even before I could review my most recent notes.

Hanna [[ last name withheld--nj ]]

PS--Please assign an alias and a mailbox to me; many people in my school read News and I wouldn't want them to get the wrong impression of me.


End of Prudes and Virgins Digest

[thedrifter]

Bad Luck of the Irish

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat--not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

[thedrifter]

It's chemical


April 1, 1988: The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic number is 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called memoons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it is present. According to Dr. M. Langour, one of the discoverers of the element, a very small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally takes less than a second take over four days.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons, and assistants to the vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have indicated that the atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization.

Administratium was discovered by accident when Dr. Languor angrily resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped all of his papers into the intake hatch of the university's particle accelerator. "Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports, grant forms, etc. with the particles in the accelerator created the new element." Dr. Langour explained.

Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist, Administratium is most likely to be found on college and university campuses, near the best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

[thedrifter]

Yuks from the Yakutsk

Question: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?

Answer: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.

Question: What's meant by an exchange of opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union?

Answer: It's when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party's.



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Three prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon began talking.

"What are you here for?" asked one inmate of another.

"They put me in for beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich," snarled one man.

"And why are you here?" asked the second of the first.

"For having defended some old Jew named Khaimovich in a fight," he replied.

"And what were you arrested for?" the third inmate was asked.

"For being Khaimovich," he sighed.

[thedrifter]

Some of our TWA Coffee, or some of our...


A mother and her son were flying TWA from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that TWA always pulls out on time."

[thedrifter]

An Aussie Writes A Letter To Dear Abby:
Dear Abby,
Should I Confess?
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994,the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an HIV. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin addiction.
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her before we marry.
Should I tell her that my brother-in-law had sex with Monica Lewinski ??

[thedrifter]

D.I. Inspection:

D.I.: What's that on your face private?
Private: Sir, Blood, Sir.
D.I.: Where did it come from private?
Private: Sir, Shaving, I cut myself shaving, Sir.
D.I.: Private did I give you permission to bleed?
Private: Sir, NO, Sir!
D.I.: Then STOP!!

[thedrifter]

NOT Stupid:
After a fire started in a downtown hotel four of the guests found the exit downstairs blocked by fire. The guests consisted of an Army Captain, a Navy Captain, an Air Force Col. and a young Marine 2nd Lt.
Surrounded by the fire, the four went up to the roof.
The fire truck soon arrived and the firemen held out a net and yelled up "Ok Ground Pounder, jump!"
The Army Captain responded, "I am an Officer and Gentlemen in the United States Army and you will address me as such."
The firemen yelled back, "Ok, Captain, sir, jump!"
The Captain jumped, the firemen moved the net, and the Captain splattered all over the ground.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Swabbie, jump!"
The Navy Captain yelled back "I graduated from the Naval Academy and you will show respect."
The firemen yelled up "Ok, sir, jump!" again the firemen moved the net and yet another splat.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Flyboy, jump!" The Air Force Col. yelled back "I am a top ace in the Air Force and I deserve some respect."
The firemen said "Ok, pilot sir, jump!" They again moved the net and another big splat.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Jarhead, jump!"
The Young Marine 2nd Lt. yelled down "I'm not stupid like those other guys, you're not moving the net on me. Before I jump put that net on the ground and step back three paces."

[thedrifter]

Marines On Vacation:
Two Marines were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."

When he returned to the lake, he found the Marines proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you Marines only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's NO WAY the plane can take off with that much weight!"

"You're just a chicken pilot," one Marine said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."

Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered.

"All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."

They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees.

Some time later, the Marines regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked.

His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year."

[thedrifter]

Some Military Rivalry:
Two Navy Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas,
headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in
the middle seat.

Just before take-off, A Marine from Force Recon got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Marine kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the
window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you." While he
was gone, the Seal picked up the Marine boot and spit in
it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Seal
said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he
was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.

The Marine returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the
short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into
his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Marine asked. "This
fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in boots and ****ing in cokes?"

Sitting behind them was a Green Beret who began laughing uncontrollable about the situation. So the 2 Navy Seals and The Marine from Force Recon picked up the Green Beret carried him back to the toilet and stuff his head into the toilet bowl and flush it. One of the Navy Seals said, yeah I agree, how long is this animosity going to continue, these Green Beret’s embarrass us all walking around with tinted blue faces and smelling like **** all the time.

[thedrifter]

Ski Pee


One of the women in the ski group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and into another slope. Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

It was the damdest thing you ever saw, he said, I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

"So how'd you break your arm?"

[thedrifter]

Silent Gas

So---there was this woman who had a problem with silent gas and she went to the doctor and she said,

"This is so embarrassing. I have this problem of farting silently. You probably haven't noticed, but I've let three of them since I've been in this office with you. Is there ANYTHING you can do?"

He said, "Yes, but the first thing is to get you fitted for a hearing aid."