Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Stress


PUT MORE STRESS INTO YOUR LIFE!


Refuse to take action on nagging problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if possible, lose some sleep over them.

Make a concerted effort to take note of irritations in your life and blow them out of proportion.

Consider the power of negative thinking.

Hide your sense of humour. Erase the words smile, joke, and laugh from your vocabulary; concentrate on frowning.

If you've been working a 60 hour week, try 65 or 70 or 75! Spending more time at work will give you less time to consider how stressed you are.

Consume vast quantities of caffeine. As a stimulant it will ensure that you are awake day and night.

Practice the art of ``hurry up and wait.'' This means dashing off to join a line-up somewhere - like the bank, cinema, or ticket outlet.

Make sure you drive no further than two feet from the car in front.

To relieve boredom while waiting for traffic lights, pretend you are on the starting grid for the Indy 500.

Never read a book or listen to music.

Play ``Hide and Seek'' by concealing important documents from yourself.

Delegate nagging problems. You've proved that you can't deal with them.

Tell yourself that your abilities are unlimited. Do not waver from this conviction until you are fired for lack of competence.

Giggle nervously. It will make other people nervous, meetings will be unproductive and you won't come away with a long list of things to do.

Find a disagreeable tennis partner. Perhaps your spouse.

When feeling stressful, breathe deeply and hyperventilate until you pass out.

Take up gardening. Nothing can be more stressful if you don't like it.

When things are going badly, knock your head against the wall. The resulting headache will supersede the original problem.

[thedrifter]

Stress Diet (from sci.med)


The following diet has been circulated at one of the local clinics. Some may find it stimulating.



BREAKFAST:
---------
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz skim milk

LUNCH:
------
4 oz lean Broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo Cookie
Herb tea

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
-------
Rest of package of Oreos
1 qt. rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge

DINNER:
-------
2 loaves garlic bread
Large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
Large pitcher beer (any brand - it all comes from the same horse, anyway)
3 Milky Way bars
Entire Sara Lee cheesecake - direct from freezer.






DIET TIPS






If no one sees you eat it --- it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel each other out.
When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts such as: Hot Chocolate, Brandy, Toast and Sarah Lee cheesecake.
If YOU fatten up EVERYONE ELSE around you--then YOU look thinner.
Movie related foods don't count because they are simply part of the entire entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel, such as Milk Duds, popcorn with extra butter, and Junior Mints.

[thedrifter]

Rest in Peace


A man is holding his wife's hand as she lays on her death bed.

"Jerry, I, . . ., I have something to tell you before I pass on."

"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well."

"No, Jerry. I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I, . . ., I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry."

"Yes, dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

[thedrifter]

Mark Twain's plan for the improvement of spelling


A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling



by Mark Twain


For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s," and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c," "y" and "x"--bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez--tu riplais "ch," "sh," and "th" rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

[thedrifter]

Two Morons Fishing

Two morons, Tom and Jack, were sitting in a bar one day, when two fishermen walked in with 2 huge trout, one of the morons asked where the guys got the fish, and the fishermen told the morons that they go down to the bridge, one guy would hold the other by the ankles until a fish was caught.

The morons figured that they could to that.

After holding Tom for about 20 minutes, Jack asked Tom if he had anything, and the reply was "no." About 20 more minutes passes, so Jack asked again, and again the reply was "no." Finally, Tom yelled "Pull me up!! Pull me up!!" Jack exclaimed "Ya got one?" Tom said, "No! a train is coming!!"

[thedrifter]

Scientific Research


Dedicated to all married scientists:

There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late.

His story:

"Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some rather good-looking young women, and started to drink to excess; things just kept happening, as you can well see. I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed home."

She said, "YOU LIAR!! YOU WERE IN THE LAB AGAIN, WEREN'T YOU???!!!"

[thedrifter]

The Eyes Have it

And now for a joke (that I probably heard here):

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'

[thedrifter]

Telephone man in the army


telphone man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why.

"What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"

"I was a telephone man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."

The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!

"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"

[thedrifter]

Mildly off color story using fractured French

This story is old and is from a time when even in France certain rubber and leather goods were not openly sold.)

An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late.

First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?" (1)

The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our friend directions. The store--if that is what it is--looks a little seedy and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our friend. He speaks first:

"M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."

"Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un capeau noir?"

"Ma femme est morte."

"O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!"




(1) The story hinges on the pun: chapeau(hat)--capeau(slang for condom)

[thedrifter]

A Pig who Wanted to Get Weighed

This one was on the radio this morning. I didn't hear who the originator was, so I can't give credit where it's due.)

So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.

The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds."

He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, "This one's twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!"

"Sure I can," said the farmer, "Watch this." He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs twenty pounds."

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.

After five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can't come out just yet," the boy said. "She's weighing the mailman."

[thedrifter]

Standard Disclaimer

Standard Disclaimer

From: Marc Kriguer <REMARCK@UCLASSCF>
(Origin: Dave's Fido, Gardner, MA)


This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles.

[thedrifter]

Polish Bank Joke

Back during the Solidarity days, I heard that the following joke was being told in Poland:

A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous.

"What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?" he asks.

"Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw."

"But, what if the Bank of Warsaw fails?"

"Well, there'd be no problem, because the Bank of Warsaw is insured by the National Bank of Poland."

"And if the National Bank of Poland fails?"

"Then your money would be insured by the Bank of Moscow."

"And what if the Bank of Moscow fails?"

"Then your money would be insured by the Great Bank of the Soviet Union."

"And if that bank fails?"

"Well, in that case, you'd lose all your money. But, wouldn't it be worth it?"

[thedrifter]

Texans and New Yorkers

In article <256@uvicctr.UUCP> sdean1@uvicctr.UUCP (Steven A. Dean) writes:


A woman from Texas and a woman from New York meet at a party. The woman from Texas says to the woman from New York; "Hi! Where y'all from?"
The woman from New York replies, "Where I come from we don't end our sentences with prepositions..."

So the woman from Texas says, "Fine! Where y'all from, *****?!"

A few minutes later, the woman from New York meets the woman from Texas' husband. She's steamed at the Texas broad, so she asks (in a verrrrrry suggestive voice) "Is there anything I can do for you, handsome??"

"Welllll," replies the Texan, "I sure could use a piece of ass."

The woman from New York nods, takes the Texan into the bedroom, takes off all of her clothes, takes off all of his clothes, and engages in a hot session of mad passionate lovemaking with him. After they are done, she again says suggestively, "Now, handsome, is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Well, ma'am," he replies, "I could still use that piece of ass for my drink."

[Barrio_rat]

If men wrote problem pages...


Q : My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[Barrio_rat]

SEVEN REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK...


1. CURL UP AND DIE........I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" Melinda Lowe, 39, SeguinTX

2. PAD PLEASE.......... An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem,NC

3. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! Name Withheld

4. LADY GOLFER................ I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store! . He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

5. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red an! d walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

6. PRICELESS.............A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

7. MOM'S ADVICE......... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised an! d he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the nurse's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom. "she screamed. "I did," he said "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she would come and get me."

[Barrio_rat]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired.. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact,that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... Excited?", my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two Hamsters - 10 bucks...
One Cage - 20 bucks
One Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless!

[Barrio_rat]

Last Meal

[Barrio_rat]

I lost my job today.

I did exactly what the boss told me to do!

I followed all the rules, and never once disrespected anybody.

Then, the first time I ever had a chance to drive one of them fork lifts, I made one little mistake, and everyone starts running around in circles screaming and shouting.

You would have thought the world was coming to an end the way people were looking at me afterwards!

I don't understand it. I didn't mean to do it. It was an accident. Everyone messes up; it could've happened to anyone!

Good grief! Haven't you ever made a mistake?

[Barrio_rat]

A physician was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several moments of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row timidly raised his hand and asked, "Wedding cake?"

[Barrio_rat]

Recently I read an article that stated: The best way to achieve inner peace is to Finish Things You Have Started.

So today I finished two large bags of potato chips, the last half of a lemon cream pie, a nearly full bottle of Jose Cuervo, a small box of Godiva Chocolates and I slapped the crap out of someone I have never liked.

I feel better than I have felt for a long time.

Please pass this along to a friend who is in need of Inner Peace.

[Barrio_rat]

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The Doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

"Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, twenty unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, forty walnuts and forty peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

[Barrio_rat]

Sweet nothings???

This is a great example of "did I say that out loud???"

This happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.

A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.

Have a good day."

[Barrio_rat]

LITTLE BILLY!

Good 'ole little Billy strikes again....

LITTLE BILLY ON ..GETTING OLDER

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fvcking business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?" "What's the fvcking difference? " asks the father. "That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful." Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!"

[Barrio_rat]

1 blonde to another

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde.

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note....

Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!

[Barrio_rat]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Barrio_rat]

Tampons...?

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir,I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers.... 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper'.

So....I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she...."

[Barrio_rat]

Fitting...

[thedrifter]

NutWorks Dating Issue

Selections from:
NutWorks Electronic Humor Magazine.


Issue022, (Volume VI, Number II). February, 1988.
Special Valentine's Day Issue!


NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>


"Shower the people you love with love."
--James Taylor
"Shower with the people you love."
--Anonymous


Lover's Quiz #1
===============
by David Asa Wacks with Hugh Cushing
(Dave got paid a lot more, though)


Hey guys & gals! Are you HARD UP? This simple quiz can let you know how hard you're going to have to work to get a Valentine. Score yourself as follows: 1 point for each A, 2 points for each B, 3 points for each C, and 10 points for each D.


1. You are taking a guy/girl on a first date. How much are you willing
to spend?
A. Guest meal at campus dining services
B. $5.00 for a few slices
C. A nice Chinese dinner, maybe $25.00 tops
D. The price of your physics textbook

2. Sitting on your dorm steps you spot a potential scoop. Your first
course of action is to:
A. Start up a lively, interesting conversation
B. Use one of your favorite lines
C. Propose a temporary marriage - say for the weekend
D. Knock him/her over the head with your physics textbook and drag
him/her back to your friend's single

3. Your definition of "blue balls" is:
A. A solid and a stripe in billiards
B. Those little styrofoam things on the inside of a beanbag
C. A painful need for a cold shower
D. Fig. 42, p. 189 demonstrating variable density in your physics
textbook

4. If she says, "no" she means:
A. No
B. Probably not
C. Yes
D. She's gagged and can't answer

5. Attendance at campus dining services per 19-meal-a-week allotment
A. 0-10
B. 11-14
C. 15-19
D. 38 - You steal your roomie's card

6. Average time spent on toilet seat/day:
A. 2 min.
B. 4 min.
C. 6 min.
D. Long enough to read a few pages of physics

7. Amount of time spent perusing the freshman face book/day
A. 2-5 min.
B. 5-7 min.
C. 7-10 min.
D. Fall asleep with it

8. Qualifications for your blind date:
A. No imperfections
B. No boy/girlfriend
C. No particular desire to be seen with you
D. No sarcoma

9. Typical topic of conversation on blind date:
A. Sunsets
B. Bork
C. How he/she's doing
D. Robotics

10. Typical conclusion to blind date:
A. Bought a futon together
B. Got phone number
C. Lost him/her in crowd
D. Temporary restraining order

Results:
10-20 You're doin' OK, dude(tte).
21-40 Things could be better.
41-60 Better watch yourself at social functions.
61-100 Yessir, maybe a nocturnal trip to the petting zoo is in order.

[thedrifter]

How to Get a Date


How to Get the Man/Woman/Other(please state) of your Choice





First locate your target. Your best chance of doing this is by going to one of those wild parties which result in pairs of bodies being strewn all over the stairs within a couple of hours of starting. However, since I never get invited to that sort of party, I'm blowed if I can see why I should help those of you who do. So I won't. So there.

Having located your target, the next step is to find out where said target lives. This is easily done by following her/him until you reach a door which they go in and lock. This will either be their room or the bathroom, and if you can't tell the difference then you're beyond hope.

Next you need to establish contact. Knock on the target's door, and when it is opened, say, "Excuse me, but I wanted to leave a message for so-and-so upstairs, but he/she/it isn't in. Can I borrow a pen and paper to leave a note please?" Having borrowed this, make sure that you leave something behind when you go. This means that you can go back and collect it sometime.


DANGER SIGNS: A wedding or engagement ring.
A photo of a stunning individual by the bed.
The presence of a stunning individual in the bed.
A very rapid ushering out of the room.
Phrases such as, "Get lost, you pervert!"

GOOD SIGNS: Him/her/it falling into your arms on your next visit.
A return visit armed with red rose.



As you can see, there are more danger signs than good signs, so if at first you don't succeed, don't worry...there are plenty more toads in the bog! A good strategy is ending up on the doorstep looking very pathetic, which can get you invited in for a coffee so you can work on your chat-up lines. One line you should never use if you want to leave their room with the same number of limbs as you went in with is, "Do you come here often?" It is the target's room after all.
HAPPY HUNTING!!!

[thedrifter]

Lover's Quiz #2
===============
by Jazzman



A questionnaire to test your Valentine's Day eligibility. Section One is for women, Section Two for men.

Section One (Women):


1. When on a date, I like to go:
A) to a quiet dinner, a movie, and then straight home (+5)
B) to Burger King, to a drive-in, then to his place for
a few drinks (+10)
C) anywhere that no one can see or hear what we do (+15)

2. When I get into the car on a date, I sit:
A) across the seat, more or less melting into the door (-5)
B) next to my date (+10)
C) on my date's lap (+15)

3. When my date tries to put his arm around me, I:
A) firmly remove his arm and tell him that I'm not that
kind of girl (-5)
B) move cautiously closer to him (+5)
C) consider this only the beginning of a long, fun-filled
evening (+15)

4. When I kiss on a Valentine's date, I:
A) do not kiss on Valentine's dates (-5)
B) kiss goodnight at my door (no tongues) (+0)
C) consider this only the beginning of a long,
fun-filled evening (+15)

5. If asked out for a second date after Valentine's, I:
A) blush, ask him to call me later, and call home
to ask permission from my mom (-10)
B) consider his motives and accept if I find them
within the realm of my morals (+10)
C) consider his performance and accept if he
played three or more encores (+20)

Scoring for Women:

-20 TO 10 POINTS: Oh please. You couldn't get a date if you paid for
one. You should consider interspecies dates as your
only available option for romance.

15 TO 65 POINTS: You're interested in men but are either too shy or
emotionally unstable. A Valentine's date for you is a
horror of hand-slapping and cautious drink-sipping.
Relax. It's just an innocent date. Trust me!

70 TO 105 POINTS: Yah! Love ya! You consider nylons and garter belts
kinky but don't think twice about wearing black
leather, rubber clothing, or whipping your chained
partner into submission. There's nothing I could teach
you about dating that you don't already know. Hit me
with your best shot!

Section Two (Men):

1. When on a date, I like to go:
A) to a quiet dinner, a PG movie, and have her home by 11 (-5)
B) out for a beer and then back to my place and pass out together (+5)
C) back to my place for erotic fun (+15)

2. When I pick her up, I:
A) remind her to fasten her seatbelt (-10)
B) make conversation by inquiring about her class schedule (+5)
C) remove the beer cans from under her feet and attack
her while telling her how much I respect her (+15)

3. My dates usually say:
A) "Have you ever done this before?" (-10)
B) "Wake up, dammit! I'm not through yet!" (-5)
C) "Let's try one more time and make it an even dozen!" (+20)

4. When I kiss my Valentine's date, I:
A) don't try to kiss my date, I don't wish to compromise her integrity
or give her the wrong impression of my motives (-10)
B) kiss her goodnight and tell her what a great time I
had (even if I didn't) (+5)
C) seldom stop until I've reached her ankles (+15)

5. When I ask her for date following Valentine's, I:
A) respect her desire to contemplate our relationship
and agree to call her after she has had an opportunity
to consider her position and make a responsible decision (-5)
B) wonder what I'm going to get on the next date if she
kissed on the first one (+5)
C) ask her during breakfast in bed (+15)

Scoring for Men:

-25 TO 10 POINTS: You're too old-fashioned for the women of the 80's.
Sex is a mystery to you and you bore the hell out of
your mother. Do yourself and the world a favor: commit
yourself to Depo-Provera treatments and become an
accountant.
15 TO 65 POINTS: You enjoy women but havn't quite figured out what
any woman could possibly see in you. Good point. It's
not hopeless, however, with a little work and effort,
you too could soon be on your way to successful
dating.
65 TO 100 POINTS: You're a man of the world who is well versed in the
art of give and take. You know what a woman wants and
you're not afraid to give it to her. You lead a hard
and arduous life trying to satisfy the many women
around you. You'll make an excellent Valentine date
for any mature woman.

[thedrifter]

Thrill of the hunt


A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!"

So ... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer lady..It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!"

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Reasons for Not Graduating

Top Ten Excuses Why You Haven't Graduated Yet



10. Recurring bouts of malaria slow research.
9. Cost of translation from Ancient Sumerian limits
obtainability of important research materials.
8. Can't remember anything that happened in 1986.
7. Six month sabbatical to train for World Bellyflop
Championships (placed sixth, highest U.S. finisher).
6. I.M. coaching position a lifelong responsibility.
5. Certain I can win with a female gnome paladin.
4. Could type a lot faster on a Dvorak keyboard.
3. Wasted time memorizing UUCP map of the US and
Australia.
2. Thought the major field exam was "just a joke" until too late.

And the Best Reason for Not Yet Graduating:

1. Could have finished years ago, but wanted dissertation to rhyme.

[thedrifter]

Anti-Chain Letter


This is not a chain letter. It was not started decades ago in the Netherlands, nor was it perpetrated centuries ago by some deranged monk on Easter Island (which is highly unlikely in the first place, since EMACS only works on smart display terminals, and they weren't available on Easter Island back then, due largely to the U.S. state department's vigorous ban on exportation of advanced technology to deranged monks on equatorial islands).

There is no luck associated with this letter. Hence, it is pointless to send five copies of this letter to people you like. In fact, it is vigorously discouraged, since, by sending this letter through the postal service, you are needlessly burdening an already overworked system. You also increase the chance of the postal service losing mail. Murphy's Law will take effect here, resulting in your letter being delivered the next day, and a Red Cross package to a needy individual in Zimbabwe to be accidentally re-routed to Hackensack, New Jersey, thus becoming lost forever. You do not stand a chance, however, of displacing any junk mail.

If you break the chain, and fail to send five copies of this letter to other unfortunate individuals, then absolutely nothing extraordinary will happen to you. If, on the other hand, you do propagate five copies of this letter, then absolutely nothing extraordinary will happen to you, either.

[thedrifter]

Your boss may be an alien!


YOUR CO-WORKER COULD BE A SPACE ALIEN, SAY EXPERTS ... here's how you can tell (by Michael Cassels of the "National Inquirer")

Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human - but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts.

They listed 10 signs to watch for:

1. Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens don't fully understand the different styles, so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.

2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might eat French fires with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of pills, the experts say.

3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.

4. Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton, a theoretical biologist and futurist.

5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens are constantly gathering information." said Steiger.

6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.

7. Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that seem stupid, Easton said.

"For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth of July," noted Steiger.

8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends," said Steiger.

9. Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to speaking as we do, so an alien may practice speaking," Steiger noted.

10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.

[thedrifter]

More Supposedly Real Funny Sentences

I found these sentences in a book which claims that they are from actual newspaper articles:


Great care must be exercised in tying horses to trees, as they are apt to bark.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery; we do it carefully by hand.
After Governor Baldridge watched the lion perform, he was taken to Main Street and fed twenty-five pounds of red meat in front of the Fox Theater.
The Duchess handled the launching beautifully, confidently smashing the champagne against the prow. The crowd cheered as she majestically slid down the greasy runway into the sea.
Anti-nuclear protestors released live cockroaches inside the White House Friday, and these were arrested when they left and blocked a security gate.
I worry about these people.

[thedrifter]

Nothing can stop the US Air Force


An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

[thedrifter]

Give that man a hand

This yuppie had just gotten his first BMW and wanted to show it off to his friends. So he goes motoring up Broadway, and parks at his friends apartment. He was so excited that he forgot to look when he opened the door. Just then, a taxi comes screaming up and neatly removes the door from the car, along with the guy's left arm.

The guy jumps out of his car and starts screaming, "My BMW, my BMW!" The taxi driver comes running up, and says, "Listen, you're in shock, your arm was taken off and you're losing a lot of blood."

The yuppie just notices that his arm was ripped off and starts to yell, "My Rolex, my Rolex!!"

[thedrifter]

Penis Length Survey


Penis Length Survey
Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have devised the following foolproof test.


Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).
Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is ``1234567890-+'' the backspace key removes the `.)
Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.
Please post your results to net.general and I'll summarize to everyone on the net by personal mail.

Cautions

Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place two keyboards end to end.
If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.
On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT.
Remember, Larry Bud Melman is not an attorney.

Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders:


Test Results Diagnosis

1 You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.

12wgui,l=]\ Seek immediate medical care.

[thedrifter]

What goes up...

Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity.

"Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they passed by.

The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"

[thedrifter]

If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?
> >
> >Personally, I think today's kids ought to do something really
special
> >for their Mothers on Mother's Day -- like move out!
> >
> >Hey guys -- looking for a great gift for your Mother-in-Law on
> >Mother's Day? Why not send her back her daughter???
> >
> >A single Mom was asked by a friend what her son was taking in
college.
> >With a sigh she replied, "Everything I have."
> >
> >Fathers -- take heart, your day is coming, and you can be sure of
> >getting at least one thing -- the bills from Mother's Day.
> >
> >Most Mothers are always amazed when their sons/daughters marry a
> >person with much lower mental capacity, ambition and moral
standards,
> >yet still manage to have utterly brilliant children.
> >
> >A daughter broke-up with her boyfriend. She asked her Mother's
advice
> >about returning the gifts he'd given her. Without a pause, her
Mother
> >replied, "Send back the stuffed animals and letters, but keep the
> >jewelry for sentimental reasons."
> >

[NamNuts]

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?". The lady say's "To kill my husband.
I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist. He looks at the photo and says; "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

[thedrifter]

Endangered species

(This joke comes from folk musician Art Thieme, who told it at a University of Chicago Folk festival)

A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter with a rifle and a dead loon.

"What in the world do you think you're doing? Don't you know that the loon is an endangered bird?"

Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger a trunk containing 12 more dead loons.

"What on earth are you going to do with 13 dead loons?" the ranger asked.

"My family eats them."

"Well, what does a loon taste like?"

"Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan..."

[thedrifter]

Nasty Practical Joke


And finally, the piece de resistance...find an untanned girl on the beach asleep in the sun face down with tanning oil on her back. Place a piece of paper on her back with something like "FREE SEX" cut out with stencils. The oil keeps it from blowing away, and after a few hours she has a nice message on her back. Note: I NEVER DID THAT!! In fact, I only heard people talk about it but never saw any proof. Sounds great but it's pretty mean.

[thedrifter]

Dear Abbie


A pregnant Gen.Ethnic writes:

Dear Abbie:

My husband cheats on me so much, how can I be sure this baby is his?"

[thedrifter]

Birds of a feather


It was finals week at the college. The students had filed into the auditorium, and picked up their blue-books for the test. This particular class had been in aviaian biology and identification. The professor was known to give very difficult finals, and weighed them heavily in the grade.

Looking down to the table in the front of the room, the students saw several stands with stuffed and mounted birds. They could see that they were birds, as the feet were visible below the burlap sacks that had been placed over them. And beside each was a small sign with a number.

The bell rang, the professor allowed a moment for the noise to die down, and them addressed the class. "Today's final will count, as you know, for a large percentage of the grade. But the directions for the test are simple. You are to identify each of the birds on the table before you. Write the number, and the latin and common name of the creature associated with it, on your paper. When you have completed the identifications, you may leave. Begin." With that he sat down.

One of the students, a few rows back from the front gestured for the profs attention, and asked a question, "Uh, professor, are you going to remove the sacks so we can see the birds?"

"No... If you've been following the lectures through the term, you should be able to identify each of them by its feet alone. You should have realized the areas that I was stressing, in class and in the reading assignments."

The student, becoming a little alarmed, "You mean, you expect us to be able to know one of these from the others just by its feet. That's unreasonable."

"I'm sorry you're dismayed by this test. Perhaps if you'll begin it'll go better than you expect, and then the others can begin also."

"No, this is absurd. I'm not going to take this test. This is outrageous. I'm leaving." And the student begins to gather up his pencils, and day-pack.

"If you're leaving, tell me your name, so I can mark you off in my book now, please."

The irate student, holding up his feet so the prof can see them, replies, "YOU FIGURE IT OUT!"

[thedrifter]

What you shouldn't say to your wife...

This isn't mine, I heard it on the radio this morning.

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty ****ed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

[thedrifter]

Long life

A woman who had outlived no less than eight husbands finally past away. Old friends and enemies alike gathered at graveside and consoled or *****ed with each other, as is so often the way. ``Oh well, at least they'll be together again...'' sighed of the the departed's lady friends.

``Yes,'' replied a childhood friend with a sob, ``but with which husband?''

``No silly,'' said the snide friend, ``I meant her legs.''

[thedrifter]

Icefishing


This Newfie is going icefishing. He starts to drill a hole with his auger when a loud booming voice says, "THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE!"

So he stops drilling and moves a little ways and starts to drill again. The same voice booms, "THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE!"

So he moves a little further and is about to drill again, but the voice immediately comes again, "THERE"S NO FISH THERE EITHER!"

The Newf looks around and says, "Who are you anyways? God?"

"NO I'M THE ARENA MANAGER!"

[thedrifter]

Duck hunt


A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

[thedrifter]

Food-porn


FOODPORN: Pornography for dieters (?) by Frank LaRosa

Brought to you by Searchlight bbs 516-724-0971

Dear Editors,

I read your fine magazine eagerly each month, and one of my favorite features is the letters you receive from your readers. I always enjoy hearing about their exploits, but until now I never thought anything like that could ever happen to me. However all that changed last Friday night, when I had one of the most incredible experiences of my life, and felt I just had to write and share it with everyone.

It was about 10:30 PM and I was sitting in my dorm room going over some boring math homework that I really didn't feel like doing. Normally there is plenty to do on Friday nights at my college, but it was the first day of spring break and the campus was practically deserted. Since I couldn't afford to go to Florida with my buddies, I was forced to spend the vacation on campus by myself. I was fully expecting a rather dull week of nothing but studying and watching TV.

Anyway, I was concentrating on my math book when suddenly I heard a loud bang and a screech coming from outside. I rushed to the window to see what had happened. On the street below I saw a white minivan with the words "Carlo's Italian Restaurant" on the side. The van pulled slowly to the side of the road, obviously suffering from a tire blowout. Relieved at an excuse to break up the monotony of my studying, I decided to go outside and see if I could be of any help.

As I approached the van I could see the driver, an overweight, brown haired woman who introduced herself as Gail. We both examined the flat tire and I asked Gail where she was heading. She said she was supposed to deliver an order of Italian food to a party, some rich eccentrics who lived in the upper part of town, she said. But the party had been cancelled at the last minute and she was returning with their order. She said she didn't think there was a spare tire in the van but I suggested that we take a look anyway.

We went around to the back of the van and Gail opened the rear doors. A warm rush of steam came from inside, carrying the rich scent of fresh tomato sauce and Italian bread. In the cargo area were trays and trays of lasagna, meatballs, and pork smothered in sauce. A stack of pizza boxes lay to one side, and I could see what looked like a case of beer towards the back. Never in my wildest fantasies had I seen anything like the banquet that lay before me now. After living on lousy school cafeteria food for the past two months, it all seemed something like a dream come true.

Gail looked around and said she couldn't find the spare tire. She sighed, giving me a strangely seductive look. "Well," she said, "I guess I won't be able to get back to the restaurant for a while. It would sure be a shame to let all this food go to waste." At that, I knew something incredible was about to happen. Gail manouvered her pudgy frame into the back of the truck. I couldn't believe my eyes as she began unwrapping the mountain of food before us. "Here," she said, handing me a huge tray of lasagna. The dish was warm and heavy and full of rich Italian smells. When I looked back I noticed that Gail had started without me and was already busy with a large, greasy pepperoni pizza.

I sat on the edge of the van and removed the tin foil from the lasagna tray. I peeled the foil back slowly, carefully, revealing the hot pleasures within. The sauce oozed like lava around the melty mozarella cheese, and pools of oil were everywhere. I ran my finger along the edge of the plate, and then gently through the heart of the food, delighting in the warm, slippery feel of the pasta underneath. After a few minutes of working my fingers in and out I removed them and slowly licked off the sweet-tasting sauce.

My sense of hunger heightened, I lifted the tray closer to my face. My hands sank into the center of the lasagna, scooping out huge globs of pasta, sauce, and cheese. I lifted the food to my mouth and stuffed it sloppily into my waiting hole. I chewed and swallowed deeply, my eyes closed in ecstasy. My entire digestive tract tingled as the food made its way down my esophagus and into the pit of my stomach. Incensed, I grabbed hungrily for the lasagna, stuffing my mouth till it was about to burst, choking it down so fast that it almost hurt, and stuffing my face again. In a matter of minutes I had lapped up the entire tray, licking it clean so as to get every drop.

I stood up and caught my breath. After such a feast I was sure I could eat no more, but the sight of several open pizza boxes soon had me going again. Reaching out, I tore off about half of a huge 15 inch pizza covered with pepperoni, mushrooms, and sausage. I folded the thick dough and thrust the pizza mouthward, alternately chewing at the crust and then sucking in the tender, cheesy filling. My mind in a blissful daze, I spent the next several minutes in this position, until I had devoured every last mouthful.

By this time Gail had discovered the beer, and she handed me a tall, frosty bottle. I wrenched off the cap and lifted the beer to my mouth, pouring it eagerly down my throat. As I drank in a frenzy, beer spilled out the corners of my mouth and dripped onto my face, neck and clothing. Oblivious to the world, I continued consuming the brew like a madman until every drop was gone.

Finally, I could take no more. Grasping my stomach, I stumbled towards the grass on the side of the road. I opened my mouth and burped into the warm night, longer and louder than I had ever done before. The substance of my belch seemed to hang in the air in front of me, thick with the aroma of pizza and beer. I burped a second time, then lay on the soft ground and fell into a deep, satisfying sleep.

When I awoke several hours later, Gail and the restaurant van were gone. I never saw them again after that night, but the fond memories of our encounter will stay with me forever. Perhaps someday I'll meet Gail again, and if I do I'll be sure to write and tell you all about it.

- Name and address withheld by request

[thedrifter]

My dog and your dog


Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter:

First woman : My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a paper boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.

Second woman : I know

First one : How?

Second one : My dog told me

[thedrifter]

Unintentional humor in student compositions

I'm not getting this out of a list: my eleven-year-old was writing a biography of Charles Darwin, and finished with:

"When Darwin died, he was very pleased with himself."

[lurchenstein]

After dying grisly deaths, Osama and Sadam made their way to the pearly gates. There, they were greeted by George Washington, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping both of them in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's
liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched them in the nose.

James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the
government to provide for the common defense!" He took a baseball bat and smashed their kneecaps.

They were subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As they writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled them back toward the gate where they were to be judged. As Osama and Sadam awaited their journey to their final very hot destination, they screamed, "This is not what we
were promised!"

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

[thedrifter]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.

Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! "

A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"

The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

[thedrifter]

Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister.

"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"Yes, my son, absolutely."

"Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?"

[thedrifter]

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

[thedrifter]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

[thedrifter]

6 Shots


A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

[thedrifter]

Stick


A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

[thedrifter]

$500 Porche



A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

[thedrifter]

Chaos


A surgeon, a civil engineer and a software engineer were chatting at a bar. The discussion rolled around to whose profession was the oldest.
The surgeon said that his was, since in the book of Genesis, God created Eve from one of Adam's ribs, and surly that involved surgery.
The civil engineer countered by saying that before God created man, he created the heavens and the Earth from chaos, surely a feat of civil engineering.

[thedrifter]

Widower Playing Golf


A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[thedrifter]

Jesus And Moses On The Golf Course


Things are slow in Heaven one day, so Moses suggests to Jesus that they go down to Earth and play a round of golf; Jesus agrees.

On the first hole, there's a long fairway with a water hazard before the green. Standing at the championship tee, Moses points to the novice tees and says "Jesus, I think we should tee off from up there. I don't think we can make it over the water from here."

Jesus replies, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses walks out, parts the water, retrieves Jesus' ball, and brings it back.

"Jesus," Moses says, "I really think we should tee off from up there. I don't think we can make it over the water from here."

Jesus insists, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus agaiin puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses walks out, parts the water, retrieves the ball, and brings it back.

"Jesus," Moses says, "I really don't think we can make it over the water from here. If you shoot from back here again and your ball goes in the water, I'm not going to get it."

Jesus again explains to Moses, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus again puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses looks at Jesus and stands at the tee, with no intention of retrieving Jesus' ball. Jesus figures he'll have to retrieve his own ball, so he walks down the fairway to the water hazard, and proceeds to walk on the water out to the point where his ball fell in.

Moses is still back at the tee when a foursome comes through and sees Jesus walking on water. "Holy mackerel!", one of them says, "Does that guy think he's Jesus?"

"No", Moses answers, "he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

[thedrifter]

Love, Lust and Marriage



LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to *****.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't care less
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

[thedrifter]

Gifts For Teacher


It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"Noooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."

[thedrifter]

Romainian economic forecast for 1988

Prime Minister of Romania: "What kind of year will 1988 be?"

Economics Minister: "Average, sir."

PM: "What do you mean, average?"

EM: "Average. Better than 1989, not as good as 1987."

[thedrifter]

Sales Presantation and a Lady from Texas

This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personnel to various situations.


You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.

YOU SHOULD:

(A) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(B) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(C) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
and tell your boss that nobody but *****s and football players live
there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. YOU SHOULD:

(A) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
name.
(B) Ask what position she played.
(C) Ask if she is still working the streets.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!!"

[thedrifter]

Embarrassment

A man comes home after a heavy night's drinking. His wife won't open the door for him, so he starts hammering on it. She still won't let him in, so he starts shouting. The neighbours are starting to notice, so in an attempt to embarrass her, he starts singing at the top of his voice:

"I had her before she was married, I had her before she was married!"

The top window immediately flies open, and his wife responds with equal gusto:

"And so did all of your mates!"

[thedrifter]

Robbery

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

[thedrifter]

Thanks for the Subliminals

I would like to thank all of the folks who emailed me about the "subliminal" Pepsi ads in 'Top Gun'. As was pointed out more than once, here and in mail, the advertisements aren't really subliminal if you can perceive them conciously. <drink Pepsi> I know what "subliminal" means <drink Pepsi> as opposed to superliminal, or ultraliminal, or megaliminal, or liminal, or whatever the correct phraseology is. <you love Pepsi> This kind of advertisement, though, while not totally invisible <drink Pepsi> is still real hard to see... I've seen Top Gun a total of six times now, and never noticed the Pepsi tray until my sixth time, on cable. After running the tape back thru again, I could tell that the Pepsi <drink drink drink Pepsi> logo was really there--not just a red-white-and-blue <Pepsi> smear.

Perhaps we need a new phrase for this half-overt advertising <bathe in Pepsi>. I propose the term "mood-advertising," or perhaps "musak-vertising" ... something which while there, you have to concentrate to perceive <Pepsi sex>. Once we put a name to this dread disease, we can set about finding a cure.

Gosh, I'm thirsty.

[thedrifter]

Russian joke (yet another)

An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach Yourself Hebrew" book. A policeman notices her and decides to start to give her a hard time.

"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.

She replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."

The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going to?"

The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay. I already speak Russian."

[thedrifter]

Albania, Albania, man sheds his waste on thee.


Enver Hoxha, dictator of Albania, dies and due to a bureaucratic mixup is sent to socialist heaven. Of course, once there he has to stand in line as St.Peter is interviewing the candidates for socialist heaven ahead of him.


Ludwig von Beethoven is first.
St.Peter says: "Who are you?"
Beethoven says: "Eh ?"
St.Peter waves his arms and cures Beethoven and says : "Who are you ?"
Beethoven says: "Ludwig von Beethoven"
St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers?"
Beethoven says: "No."
St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it."
Beethoven says: "Give me a choir of angels."

St.Peter calls the angels forward and watches Beethoven conduct the Ninth.
St.Peter smiles and says: "Wonderful. Welcome, Ludwig."
Beethoven goes in.

Shakespeare is next.
St.Peter says: "Who are you ?"
Shakespeare says: "William Shakespeare"
St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers ?
Shakespeare says: "No."
St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it."
Shakespeare says: "Give me a pen and paper."

St.Peter does and watches Shakespeare write a new sonnet.
St.Peter smiles and says: "Wonderful. Welcome, William."
Shakespeare goes in.

Finally it is Hoxha's turn.
St.Peter says: "Who are you ?"
Hoxha says: "Enver Hoxha, General Secretary of the Communist Party of
Albania"
St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers ?
Hoxha says: "No."
St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it,
just like Beethoven and Shakespeare."
Hoxha says: "Beethoven... Shakespeare ? Who are they ?"
St.Peter says: "Wonderful. Welcome, General Secretary."
Hoxha goes in.

[thedrifter]

New Yorker item


The following is an approximation of an item in the New Yorker (the kind that appear at the ends of articles in the back) that refers to a correction printed by some newspaper I don't remember. (I read it in a dentist's office and don't have it in front of me now.)

"Dear Abby said yesterday that one cure for hiccups is to use carbon monoxide. The correct treatment uses carbon dioxide."

The New Yorker's comment? "Too late."

[thedrifter]

I swear, when I read things like this, I fear for the intelligence
in the world today. Some people are more computer illiterate than others, I
guess.

Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically
challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin'" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall
Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic
bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to
fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water! And
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He
told the technician that the computer had said it couldn't find the printer.
The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but
that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,
the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat
there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened
when she pressed the power button, she asked, "What power button?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for
support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in
the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in
the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that
"Insert Disk 2" implied to remove Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novel NetWire SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did
you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get
this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has 40X on it. "At this point, the Tech Rep had to
mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The
caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cupholder and
snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.
The girl sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and her
printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type
the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a P."
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: "P, on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school
> playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed
> the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate
> embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could
> not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
> mother.
>
>
> "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
> go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and
> he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her
> take off her shirt.
>
> Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
> Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said,
> "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you
> save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look
> on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
>
>
> At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
> story. Johnny started his story about the car going into the
> woods, the undressing, Aunt Jane laying down on the back
> seat. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same
> thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy
> was in the Army."
>
>
> Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before
> you interrupt.

[thedrifter]

Now be careful before you try this ? you probably should check with your
> doctor.
>
> SENIOR EXERCISE
> Pass this along to your senior friends.
> For those getting along in years, here is a little secret for building
> arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well.
> Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-LB. potato sack
> in each hand...extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them
> there as long as you can.
> After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB potato
> sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in
> each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
> Next...start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to
> overdo it
>

[thedrifter]

Public Restroom Humor - Embarrassingly Funny!


I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi,
how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but,
I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin
Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I
say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another
question.

Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, this question is just wacky but i figured I could just be polite and end the
conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

" Hold on a second, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps
answering all my questions ."

[thedrifter]

Six former Presidents on a sinking boat... Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first."
Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"

[thedrifter]

The Joy of Newfie Sex


There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.

The Englishman says to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"

"Well," says the Frenchman, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft,even breath, and that drives her wild."

Then the Frenchman says, "And what do you do to drive your wife wild?"

To which the Englishman replies, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"

Then the pair turn to the Newfoundlander and ask him what he does.

"Naawww you don't want to know what I do" he says.

So they buy him a few more drinks and he loosens up a bit more, and again, they ask him what he does.

"Well..," he says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives her wild."

[thedrifter]

How 'bout them cubs?

(Baseball humor, for those out there who are Non-Cub fans.)

In 1908, the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Since then:


Radio was invented.
Four states were admitted to the Union.
The atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Television was invented.
The U.S. went through the Great Depression.
The U.S. participated in two world wars and two major armed conflicts, Korea and Vietnam.
The NFL was founded.
Man landed on the moon.
Thirteen presidents were elected and one was appointed.
Harry Carey was born.
Wrigley Field was built and became the oldest baseball park in the National League.
Five flag poles, erected at Wrigley Field for the purpose of holding a World Series flag, have worn out and been replaced without ever holding a pennant.
Lights were installed at twenty-five major league baseball stadiums--except Wrigley Field.
Ten teams were added to the major leagues.
Halley's Comet passed the earth twice.
Hundreds of boys were born, raised, played inept baseball for the Cubs, retired and died of old age.

[thedrifter]

Two more lawyer jokes

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested f