thedrifter
11-08-06, 06:53 AM
November 07, 2006, 0:47 a.m.
My First Election Day Press Conference
Everything you need to know.
By Greg Gutfeld
First, if I may, a brief statement. I am not wearing any. Now, I know that many of you at NRO have questions. Interestingly, I have answers. On the day of these important midterm elections, you’d be naive to think that this is simply a coincidence.
Q: You’ve been hanging around Hollywood lefties and Europeans for a bit too long. You’ve gotta have some insight into them by now. What’s really the first thing Nancy Pelosi would do as Speaker?
A: She’s promised to “clean the house.” My suspicion is that means she’ll start with the walls and work from the top down, to avoid streaks. Next, the fixtures: Some of those congressmen haven’t hit the toilet for decades, so she’ll be doing a lot of grout-sniffing. Then, there’s the floor of the house. It’s a mess, especially after years of Cynthia McKinney in states of advanced incontinence.
Q: What have you found funniest about this campaign?
A: The Mark Foley “scandal” because it made the Democrats come out against homosexual sex in e-mails to teenagers. The Democrats finally learned that if you don’t stand for something, you’ll lay down for anyone. I think I have that right.
Q: If you were Joe Lieberman — totally trashed by your party in the primary — what’s the first thing you would say upon winning reelection? What’s the first thing you would do when you got back to work?
A: Switch parties. But if I’m Joe, I just want to be loved, so I wouldn’t become a Republican. I might join the Birthday Party. Everyone would eventually join that party, especially Democrats. They love birthday parties, even if all they get is crap. For example, Mary Jo Kopechne was set to turn 29…. But if she were still alive and celebrating birthdays, she’d be a Democrat. Many abortion victims would be Democrats, because most people grow up voting the way their parents vote. Soon, everyone will stop being Democrats! Left-wing ideologues would rather die than admit they are wrong.
Q: On the culture front: Why are people giving Madonna grief about adopting that boy from Malawi? Seems like a good thing to do.
A: It is a good thing to do. But people have it backwards. It’s common practice for African children to adopt aging celebrities. There is a growing concern that infirm stars are poorly cared for and often ignored. African children are doing their part to reduce the suffering by offering their services as surrogate offspring. Already, you can see how it’s affected Madonna. She looks great, for a 65-year-old male bodybuilder.
FYI: There is no truth to the rumor that celebrities are adopting these children as “dietary anti-aging silver bullets,” although people are monitoring David Bando, in case he suddenly disappears into a casserole.
Q: Can you explain to me what exactly the Daily Gut is? Besides nuts!
A: Daily Gut, conveniently located at dailygut.com (can you believe that URL was still available?!) is a news source for people who like their news accompanied by illustrations drawn by me. Think news and paper bibs. People have called it “the best thing since sliced bread,” and those people should know because they happen to live in a cupboard in my kitchen. Right now the Daily Gut is the largest news source in all of Fitzrovia, where I live, after the BBC and ITV. Of course, after the BBC, anybody’s news looks good. Except for Huey Lewis’s.
Q: What’s your Election Day advice for Republicans - who are right now anxious, maybe mildly suicidal (politically speaking) … ?
A: Here’s the bright side, for your Tuesday-night spin: It wasn’t the Democrats that won. You just lost! Republicans are losers because after 12 years in power, all they stood for was their own power and complacency. Democrats will pick up seats because they run as better Republicans. The only idea Democrats have is this one: We aren’t Republicans! For now, that’s more than enough! Two, four, six years from now, they might need something a little fresher. Maybe Republicans will come up with something for them.
Some more unsullied sides, in list form:
I always vote for people who do the least amount of damage on the populace — which normally would be a Republican. (I call this my “Run from Godzilla” Theory.) But now I’m inclined to believe it’s a Democrat who will do the least harm. Having no apparent belief system or coherent set of ideas, they can’t possibly do anything. And that’s the kind of government I can get behind.
But what about the fact that we’re facing a legion of homicidal insaniac jihadists who want us dead? Isn’t it dangerous to put equally crazy people in charge? No. My feeling is, their unbalanced nut jobs and our unbalanced nut jobs will cancel each other out. And the rest of us will be there to save this country — probably through bake sales and events that are similar to bake sales but feature mobile catering trailers and butchery equipment.
There will be an intriguing realignment of priorities that will bring us all sorts of divine entertainment. For example, taking stem cells from dead fetuses will be seen as much more important than keeping children who have actually been born safe from another terrorist attack. Stem cells everywhere will applaud their tiny little stem-cell hands. We won’t hear them because we’ll be at bake sales.
Europeans will still hate us — which will confound liberals, who crave their acceptance so badly it hurts. But if the Democrats truly want Europeans to love them, they should look into some of those relationship ads on Craigslist.
.Sense perfect makes all it that find will you, backwards sentence this read you if, really And
Q: Do you have any positive predictions about the House/Senate/anything else?
A: I predict that for lunch I will have a steak sandwich. it will be topped with melted provolone cheese. The bread will be crusty. That’s positive.
Q: Have any good watching-the-results drinking “games” — nothing involving Jello shots, mind you. Something more sophisticated: The kind a right-wing pundit might be able to make use of while waiting out results while sitting next to Paul Begala at a cable-news analysis table?
A: Yes, it’s a game we played back in the hospital. It’s called Begala Eyes. Every time Paul’s eyes stare longer than desired at something, you drink. Every drink makes Paul’s forehead bigger and bigger. Soon, he looks like a cute version of Doogie Howser and becomes a strategist for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.
Q: What will London be saying about us the morning after our elections?
A: They will say things like: “The writing is on the wall. Iraq policy is a monumental failure that destroyed the hopes of any Republican victory. It looks like the end for neo-cons.” They will say this even if the Republicans actually win. They’ll also say, “Maybe America is finally waking up,” because they’re, like, five hours ahead of us. But they will say it in a really funny accent — which will make it entertaining to small children they meet in the park.
Q: Wednesday morning begins the race for the White House, with the midterms out of the way. Got a guy for 2008?
A: I have mentioned this fellow before — Vili Fualaaus. He was the 14-year-old Samoan kid who impregnated his teacher Mary Letourneau back in 1991. Mary went to jail on rape charges. Then he impregnated her again, married her, and raises the daughters. I admire him greatly for reasons that are too numerous and repellent to go into here.
Beyond him, my short list includes the Wayan Brothers, Wayland and Madam, and Waylon Jennings. My longer list includes milk, bread, light bulbs and potatoes. Oh, and toilet paper. I have to buy toilet paper.
Ellie
My First Election Day Press Conference
Everything you need to know.
By Greg Gutfeld
First, if I may, a brief statement. I am not wearing any. Now, I know that many of you at NRO have questions. Interestingly, I have answers. On the day of these important midterm elections, you’d be naive to think that this is simply a coincidence.
Q: You’ve been hanging around Hollywood lefties and Europeans for a bit too long. You’ve gotta have some insight into them by now. What’s really the first thing Nancy Pelosi would do as Speaker?
A: She’s promised to “clean the house.” My suspicion is that means she’ll start with the walls and work from the top down, to avoid streaks. Next, the fixtures: Some of those congressmen haven’t hit the toilet for decades, so she’ll be doing a lot of grout-sniffing. Then, there’s the floor of the house. It’s a mess, especially after years of Cynthia McKinney in states of advanced incontinence.
Q: What have you found funniest about this campaign?
A: The Mark Foley “scandal” because it made the Democrats come out against homosexual sex in e-mails to teenagers. The Democrats finally learned that if you don’t stand for something, you’ll lay down for anyone. I think I have that right.
Q: If you were Joe Lieberman — totally trashed by your party in the primary — what’s the first thing you would say upon winning reelection? What’s the first thing you would do when you got back to work?
A: Switch parties. But if I’m Joe, I just want to be loved, so I wouldn’t become a Republican. I might join the Birthday Party. Everyone would eventually join that party, especially Democrats. They love birthday parties, even if all they get is crap. For example, Mary Jo Kopechne was set to turn 29…. But if she were still alive and celebrating birthdays, she’d be a Democrat. Many abortion victims would be Democrats, because most people grow up voting the way their parents vote. Soon, everyone will stop being Democrats! Left-wing ideologues would rather die than admit they are wrong.
Q: On the culture front: Why are people giving Madonna grief about adopting that boy from Malawi? Seems like a good thing to do.
A: It is a good thing to do. But people have it backwards. It’s common practice for African children to adopt aging celebrities. There is a growing concern that infirm stars are poorly cared for and often ignored. African children are doing their part to reduce the suffering by offering their services as surrogate offspring. Already, you can see how it’s affected Madonna. She looks great, for a 65-year-old male bodybuilder.
FYI: There is no truth to the rumor that celebrities are adopting these children as “dietary anti-aging silver bullets,” although people are monitoring David Bando, in case he suddenly disappears into a casserole.
Q: Can you explain to me what exactly the Daily Gut is? Besides nuts!
A: Daily Gut, conveniently located at dailygut.com (can you believe that URL was still available?!) is a news source for people who like their news accompanied by illustrations drawn by me. Think news and paper bibs. People have called it “the best thing since sliced bread,” and those people should know because they happen to live in a cupboard in my kitchen. Right now the Daily Gut is the largest news source in all of Fitzrovia, where I live, after the BBC and ITV. Of course, after the BBC, anybody’s news looks good. Except for Huey Lewis’s.
Q: What’s your Election Day advice for Republicans - who are right now anxious, maybe mildly suicidal (politically speaking) … ?
A: Here’s the bright side, for your Tuesday-night spin: It wasn’t the Democrats that won. You just lost! Republicans are losers because after 12 years in power, all they stood for was their own power and complacency. Democrats will pick up seats because they run as better Republicans. The only idea Democrats have is this one: We aren’t Republicans! For now, that’s more than enough! Two, four, six years from now, they might need something a little fresher. Maybe Republicans will come up with something for them.
Some more unsullied sides, in list form:
I always vote for people who do the least amount of damage on the populace — which normally would be a Republican. (I call this my “Run from Godzilla” Theory.) But now I’m inclined to believe it’s a Democrat who will do the least harm. Having no apparent belief system or coherent set of ideas, they can’t possibly do anything. And that’s the kind of government I can get behind.
But what about the fact that we’re facing a legion of homicidal insaniac jihadists who want us dead? Isn’t it dangerous to put equally crazy people in charge? No. My feeling is, their unbalanced nut jobs and our unbalanced nut jobs will cancel each other out. And the rest of us will be there to save this country — probably through bake sales and events that are similar to bake sales but feature mobile catering trailers and butchery equipment.
There will be an intriguing realignment of priorities that will bring us all sorts of divine entertainment. For example, taking stem cells from dead fetuses will be seen as much more important than keeping children who have actually been born safe from another terrorist attack. Stem cells everywhere will applaud their tiny little stem-cell hands. We won’t hear them because we’ll be at bake sales.
Europeans will still hate us — which will confound liberals, who crave their acceptance so badly it hurts. But if the Democrats truly want Europeans to love them, they should look into some of those relationship ads on Craigslist.
.Sense perfect makes all it that find will you, backwards sentence this read you if, really And
Q: Do you have any positive predictions about the House/Senate/anything else?
A: I predict that for lunch I will have a steak sandwich. it will be topped with melted provolone cheese. The bread will be crusty. That’s positive.
Q: Have any good watching-the-results drinking “games” — nothing involving Jello shots, mind you. Something more sophisticated: The kind a right-wing pundit might be able to make use of while waiting out results while sitting next to Paul Begala at a cable-news analysis table?
A: Yes, it’s a game we played back in the hospital. It’s called Begala Eyes. Every time Paul’s eyes stare longer than desired at something, you drink. Every drink makes Paul’s forehead bigger and bigger. Soon, he looks like a cute version of Doogie Howser and becomes a strategist for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.
Q: What will London be saying about us the morning after our elections?
A: They will say things like: “The writing is on the wall. Iraq policy is a monumental failure that destroyed the hopes of any Republican victory. It looks like the end for neo-cons.” They will say this even if the Republicans actually win. They’ll also say, “Maybe America is finally waking up,” because they’re, like, five hours ahead of us. But they will say it in a really funny accent — which will make it entertaining to small children they meet in the park.
Q: Wednesday morning begins the race for the White House, with the midterms out of the way. Got a guy for 2008?
A: I have mentioned this fellow before — Vili Fualaaus. He was the 14-year-old Samoan kid who impregnated his teacher Mary Letourneau back in 1991. Mary went to jail on rape charges. Then he impregnated her again, married her, and raises the daughters. I admire him greatly for reasons that are too numerous and repellent to go into here.
Beyond him, my short list includes the Wayan Brothers, Wayland and Madam, and Waylon Jennings. My longer list includes milk, bread, light bulbs and potatoes. Oh, and toilet paper. I have to buy toilet paper.
Ellie