This is not about the Marine Corps, I just need help.

[Kildars]

My dad, who was a Marine -- he got out as a Gunnary Sgt, is an alcoholic.

I have lived with my father for coming onto to two years now, when I was growing up as a child I remember him telling me how he hadn't drank in 5-10-15-19 1/2 years, (as I got older.) Then when I was about 17 years old he had a hip operation, he had arthritis in his left hip. They gave him pain pills, he got addicted to them starting to overtake them and drink. He lost his job because he didn't go to work, he had over $400,000 in debt. So the bank forclosed on his house. At the time he owned two houses, so he stopped renting the other house out and me and him moved into there. The drinking continued, usually I just tried to avoid him because I hate seeing him like that -- but he's an adult, he's a Marine, he can take care of himself and I hate telling him what to do because I am HIS son, not the other way around. He has been on this earth much longer than I and is more wise, and I respect him and look up to him so much so it is very difficult for me to tell him what to do.

Anyways -- me and him argued constantly he ended up cussing me out one night over a cell phone message when I was at a Poolee function. He told me not to ever come home again, -- I went home and the deadbolt was locked (we have two different locks) and I don't have a key to the deadbolt, so I just called my girlfriend and spent the night with her. Anyways the next morning I went home figuring he'd sobered up and I could get in, but no. He had all my stuff packed in bags and sitting out on the porch telling me I wasn't welcome at this house and that he doesn't want to see me ever again. So I left, but I realized I was missing a LOT of my belongings -- including a very expensive computer, monitor and printer. I tried calling him, he denied having my stuff -- I tried the police but they can't break in and get it I would have to go through a court house.. Anyways one day my dad slipped up and I was able to get into the house, I moved everything out etc and moved in with my girlfriend for a week, then went to my moms (I hate to intrude on other people's families and business, I am very non-nosy -- I don't ask details when they aren't needed and I hate getting in other people's business.)

Anyways me and my mom didn't get along and my dad quit drinking for like 60 days, so I decided I'd move back in with him. So I did. This is right around the time his hip started acting up on him, he realized the surgery went wrong so he started drinking to numb the pain -- I couldn't go through this again so I hid the beer I found, poored the beer out, broke fifths of liquor etc anything I could. He got the point and quit drinking again for 184 days -- he went through an outpatient rehab class (he actually is still going to that once a month -- he just got off the daily program.)

Well recently, two weeks ago, I came home from work and my dad was **** drunk -- I found alcohol next to his computer and he could barely talk. Needless to say I was so mad, I poored all his alcohol out and left the house and stayed with a friend all night. The next morning I woke up to tell him that I was going to call his rehab center if I caught him drinking again, but at 11am, he was already drunk. So I waited -- then it calmed down, he didnt drink for a week, then tonight -- about 30 minutes ago. I walked in from work and my dad was drunk again.

He starts giving me excuses about how he has no money, about how his insurance bill is past due and his cable bill is past due and he can't pay rent blah blah, I just told him I didn't want to hear his bull**** honestly.

My dad is scheduled for a new hip operation on Oct 30th, he has to be out of work for 3 months, so to help my mom (who he totally despises) is giving him back $500 a month from the child support my dad pays to her, well she gives it to me and I deposit it into my savings account to give him when he has the operation.

So now I don't know what to do -- if I call his rehab center, they will reset his classes at his expense and he has to go through rehab all over again. Taking his beer isn't working, and I just got a call from my friend that my dad is at the 7-11 across from my work and he's buying beer. So now he's driving under the influence.

I'm really lost, confused. I can't go through this **** again -- and if my waiver comes back approved I'm really concerned to leave him alone, I feel he might drink himself to death, get in an accident, or kill someone. Everytime he drinks me and him fight -- I can't do this, really -- I don't want to move out because me and my mom have never ever ever gotten along so I'm stuck here. I just need advice from people who understand Marines, or anyone whos had an alcoholic parent. My dad was abusive when I was a kid and tries now but I'm a strong kid and am much bigger than him so he doesn't really do much and usually doesn't try, but that's not the issue.

I need advice, should I call his rehab center? What if he kicks me out -- and hates me for it? What are my other options?

Cliffnotes if you don't want to read it all.

My alcoholic father has recently started drinking after 180 days + of being sober, he has already lost a house and a job due to alcohol and me and him fight constantly when he's drunk. He is currently in an outpatient program and lies to them that he doesn't drink, if I tell them they will reset his program at his expense. The long story has much more details so if you would love to read it, I would appreciate it.

Any help is better than no help.

Thank you.

[Marine84]

It breaks my heart to see somebody your age going through something like this. I don't think anybody can give you a "right" answer because each situation is different when it comes to addiction, of ANY kind. Just realize it as that and DO NOT let him take you down in the process (which they will if you let them).

[akb122201]

A couple of things...

(1) Great that your mom is giving him back the child support, but she shouldn't be getting child support, anyway, if you don't live with her. Child support is to support the CHILD, not one of the child's PARENTS. But if both your parents are satisfied with the arrangement and the money is going towards YOUR wellbeing, then it's a non-issue.

(2) My husband is a retired Marine and was, for many years, a SACO - Substance Abuse Counseling Officer - at both the squadron and group levels. He's seen a lot of this, believe me. Our phone used to ring off the hook during the weekends due to alcohol-related incidents with Marines. Once you get through boot, you can talk to your SACO and find out what you can/should do to deal with this problem. You can also talk to a counselor at the Family Service Center and they can point you in the right direction. These would be available to you once you are a full-fledged Marine yourself. If you can't wait that long, get in touch with Al-Anon, which is a fantastic organization that has helped many. You might also try contacting your local VA office, because they may be able to help your dad based upon his prior service or at least help you maintain some sanity in the situation. Al-Anon and the VA both offer free services, I assume. Also, you didn't mention it, but did your dad retire or just choose not to re-enlist? Does he receive VA benefits? Is his hip problem service-related? These are things to consider, because depending on the answers to these questions, the VA may be able to help him financially.

One thing I know from having an alcoholic parent myself is that at some point you have to come to the understanding that this is not your fault, nor your responsibility to fix. You get one chance at this life... you need to focus on doing what you need to do for YOU. Doesn't mean turning your back on your father, just accepting that ultimately his recovery is dependent upon HIS willingness to change, not YOUR desire for him to change. You know the old adage, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." His success or failure in completing a treatment program is up to him. The best you can do is take care of yourself, see what the VA and/or Al-Anon can do to help and offer him some choices. You can't make him straighten up, but you can live the best life you can live for yourself.

Don't be his babysitter, that's not your job. Your job is to get through each day, week, month, etc. until you are on your own and removed from the situation. I'd contact the VA first and go from there. If it's still a problem once you graduate from boot, then talk to your SACO.

Good luck to you!

[JmikeJr88]

My dad used to be a huge drug attic but is and has been sober for a while now. I don't have the best advice for you but I just want to let you know that there are people that could relate to you and just remember these few words. One Day At A Time... Seriously, best of luck brother

[DAVE MOORE]

Been There Son . You Have To Let Go You Are Not Your Fathers Keeper . If He Is A Vet They Can Put Him In A Rehab At No Cost But He Has To Do It His Self . Nothing You Can Do Is Going To Stop Him From Drinking . Mine Did The Same Thing But Hell Pull You Down With Him . There Is Always Some Excuse To Drink . Let Him Find One Not To . Go On With Your Life . Speaking From Exp. I Had To For The Sake Of My Family .

[cplbrooks]

My father was an alcholic too. We didnt get along during my last year of high school and he kicked me out too. Going into the Marine Corps was the best thing for me. I got to do what i loved and it got me out of that situation. I feel bad for you. No kid should have to go through this stuff. The sad thing is that alcoholism is so powerful and so destructive. Your dad probably suffers from depression too, which may in fact have triggered the relapse. I certainly would call the rehab center to let them know the situation. They need to know where he is in his treatment. They can also give you some good advice on how to deal with this. I am sure your dad loves you. Just remember that when he is mean to you etc that it is the alcohol talking. He probably feels powerless, frustrated and depressed. Just be the best son that you can. I think that you should print out your original post or write it in the form of a letter to him to let you know what his disease is putting you through. Let him know that his life will get better but only after he quits the bottle. I am sure he will clean up his act again, but the question is...how much damage will he do before he hits bottom. Alcoholics end up getting sober for a reason and it usually isnt because something good happened.

Hang in there. This will pass and you will soon join our ranks.

[quillhill]

What akb122201 said, Jordon, was exactly what I was going to say. That is stellar advice, in fact all the advice here is stellar.
Go to an Al-Anon meeting. There are tons in the area. If you want, I can ask my mom (she has 30 years sobriety) if she can look some up for you and I can PM those to you.
Keep your chin up, bud. You're a tough young man. You will get through this.

[Kildars]

A couple of things...

(1) Great that your mom is giving him back the child support, but she shouldn't be getting child support, anyway, if you don't live with her. Child support is to support the CHILD, not one of the child's PARENTS. But if both your parents are satisfied with the arrangement and the money is going towards YOUR wellbeing, then it's a non-issue.

I'm not an only child, my dad has 2 daughters with my mom that still live with her, he pays like 1500 bucks a month in child support and the child support office loves to drag their feet on adjusting the child support, he's petitioned them to try and get it lowered now they I've graduated from high school but they said it could take six months.



(2) My husband is a retired Marine and was, for many years, a SACO - Substance Abuse Counseling Officer - at both the squadron and group levels. He's seen a lot of this, believe me. Our phone used to ring off the hook during the weekends due to alcohol-related incidents with Marines. Once you get through boot, you can talk to your SACO and find out what you can/should do to deal with this problem. You can also talk to a counselor at the Family Service Center and they can point you in the right direction. These would be available to you once you are a full-fledged Marine yourself. If you can't wait that long, get in touch with Al-Anon, which is a fantastic organization that has helped many. You might also try contacting your local VA office, because they may be able to help your dad based upon his prior service or at least help you maintain some sanity in the situation. Al-Anon and the VA both offer free services, I assume. Also, you didn't mention it, but did your dad retire or just choose not to re-enlist? Does he receive VA benefits? Is his hip problem service-related? These are things to consider, because depending on the answers to these questions, the VA may be able to help him financially.

I will def keep this in mind, the reason why my dad didn't re-enlist was because his first wife got pregnant with my half sister Amanda.

No, his hip isn't Marine related -- it happened, he thinks in a skiing accident. It didn't get bad till later in his life though. I will def call Al-Anon, I don't know if he recieves VA benefits, he was in NAM so I don't really talk about his combat experience, he doesn't like to talk about it.



One thing I know from having an alcoholic parent myself is that at some point you have to come to the understanding that this is not your fault, nor your responsibility to fix. You get one chance at this life... you need to focus on doing what you need to do for YOU. Doesn't mean turning your back on your father, just accepting that ultimately his recovery is dependent upon HIS willingness to change, not YOUR desire for him to change. You know the old adage, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." His success or failure in completing a treatment program is up to him. The best you can do is take care of yourself, see what the VA and/or Al-Anon can do to help and offer him some choices. You can't make him straighten up, but you can live the best life you can live for yourself.

I know this is true, but I guess if I leave or just stop doing stuff and something does happen I will feel horrible like "what could I have done differently." I hope my waiver comes back positive and I can speak with a SACO.

Thank you everyone for all the great advice, I think I am going to call his rehab center because it's in his best interest, I can't lose my dad. The only thing I don't understand is even though I'm under 21, when I drink I can control myself, I can control when to stop and I don't have to drink again. Last night he was saying how he "went to an AA meeting tonight, and talked to his sponsor." and I said, "well it's obviously not working is it?"

[Marine84]

Don't put your plans on hold trying to "fix" your Dad - unless he thinks he needs "fixing", he won't quit. I know that you feel like you have to because he's your Dad but.................

[Kildars]

Well I called my father's old AA sponsor, who actually also is a Marine. We sat down and we talked and we worked things out and we came to the conclusion that last nights alcohol will be the last alcohol my dad ever drinks. He realized that last night his relapse was un needed, and he understands that it needs to stop. He said he doesn't know what happened, he just was on his way home from an AA meeting, and next thing he knew he was in the AMPM buying beer.

I am very optomistic for this, I informed him that I will let this relapse slide, but if it happens again, unfortunately I will have to inform his rehab center. I think he's serious this time, at least I hope he is. He is hopeful to stay sober, and so am I. He said well today to quit is good because by October 30th (His operation day) he'll have thirty days sober. I let him know that we should just take it one day at a time, and not rush into anything.

I just want to let you know that last night I was in a different state of mind than I am tonight, I was really confused, lost and I just wondered what could constantly drive my father to break his sobriety after being so successful with it for so long, I really turned to a place where I could express my true feelings at that instant to people I felt very comfortable with, and it was you guys. I am usually a very closed person, I tend to deal with things on my own and not to vent to people, or even ask for advice. So looking back I am actually surprised I posted that, I don't regret it, I'm just surprised. I am actually glad I did because it turned up some good advice, seems the Marines and poolees on this board know a lot about life issues too.

So I just wanted to give a big thank you to all of the people who posted on this thread to help me, give me advice. I really needed to hear that other people have been through this, and there are ways out. I hope this time it really does work because I do not want to call his rehab center because that would really put a financial burden on him, more than he is already.

So thank you Marines, Poolees and anyone else who posted. Your words of wisdom really helped me, I hope to join your ranks some day.

Jordon

[TazMatt]

The biggest thing you have to realize is that no matter how much you do or anyone does is that your Dad has to want to help himself first because if he doesn't want to do this there is no help for him. My father was an alcoholic and that is what made me never want to be one. I have drinks and I have been drunk before but I know the consequense of this so I don't do it very often.:flag:

[His_angel]

Jordon,

I don't have any words of wisdom. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

Angel

[Kildars]

The biggest thing you have to realize is that no matter how much you do or anyone does is that your Dad has to want to help himself first because if he doesn't want to do this there is no help for him. My father was an alcoholic and that is what made me never want to be one. I have drinks and I have been drunk before but I know the consequense of this so I don't do it very often.:flag:

I'm the same way, though my dad is an alcoholic I see how it can destroy your life and I will never let that happen.

[Kildars]

Jordon,

I don't have any words of wisdom. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

Angel
Thank you, it helps.

[quillhill]

Jordon,

you keep asking why he has had such a hard time quitting. Because you don't have this addiction, I understand it's hard for you to grasp. I grew up in A.A. meetings. My parents met at one nearly 30 years ago. One thing I learned is that alcoholism is a disease. Like anyone with an illness, it's up to the sick person to take care of himself, to treat himself and to stay away from the thing that makes him sick. But, with addiction, it can be hard to recognize you're ill or you may not want to recognize you're ill, aka denial. I am sure we are all familiar with denial.

I think it was cplbrooks who mentioned hitting bottom. Every addict has a different rock bottom that serves as a wake up call. It's that point where he realizes that he's got a problem and if he doesn't do something about it...maybe your dad just hit bottom and he's ready to turn that corner.

All you can do is support his efforts to become and stay sober. Ask if he's going to meetings, if he's talking to his sponsor and be there for him. He will have to do the work himself but you can be there for him and trust me, that will help.

I know how it feels to want to help a parent and not be in a position where you can. Sometimes, stepping back and letting them go their own path is all you can do. Other times, you have to intervene. I've done it. My mom lost her job and had been homeless. And also clinically depressed. She threatened to get my sister's gun and kill herself. I had to commit her to the psychiatric ward at Overlake three years ago. After my dad's death, it was the second worst day of my life. But, I don't regret it for a minute. What's amazing is that despite all the tough times, she didn't relapse. She celebrated 30 years sobriety in July. And since that week in the pysch ward, she's been so much better. Our relationship has improved dramatically since then and if I had to do it all over again, I would.

Once she got herself moving in the right direction, she's done it all herself, both in dealing with her addictions and her depression. I told her she could call me at a moment's notice if she needed anything, but, she's good about going to therapy, about going to appointments. She lives near an Alano Club and goes to meetings regularly. She even chairs a meeting on Saturdays. Heh. We never go out together on Saturdays as a result. That AA meeting comes first. Which is fine by me.

Well, this turned into a giant post. I am pleased to see that some progress has been made. I wish your dad the best in his recovery efforts. And do go to an Al Anon meeting. You will surely get even more support and advice and inspiration there.

If you need anything, you can always e-mail me.

[LivinSoFree]

Have you talked to your recruiter about this? He may be able to put you in touch with a SACO at a local reserve unit or with VA medical, who may be more adept at dealing with this problem. When it comes to Marines, sometimes they need a different approach to deal with this problem.

[Kildars]

Have you talked to your recruiter about this? He may be able to put you in touch with a SACO at a local reserve unit or with VA medical, who may be more adept at dealing with this problem. When it comes to Marines, sometimes they need a different approach to deal with this problem.

No, like I said before I am a pretty closed person and it surprised me that I posted this being a Marine Corps board you should try to show your tough side haha, well It's really nice to see that a lot of people have been in similiar situations before -- the advice really helped me in deciding what to do with my dad and his drinkin. Just know that I'm not alone and that other people have made it through this problem in the past has given me moto to not give up and let my dad know on a constant basis that I am behind him but breaking beer bottles and liquor bottles will only **** him off, though it seemed like the right thing at the time.

I guess I wouldn't want my recruiter to know because I don't want to show vulnerability to him. I guess I want him to look at me like a "Possible Marine." and I want him to think that I would be a "Great Marine," if I made it.

quillhill, since I am in this post I can't go back and quote you and I don't want to make two posts but.

Thank you, like I said before it's nice to know that someone has been in this situation before and I'm pretty certain that if I did decide to call his rehab center (which I haven't done) he may be mad at first but surely he would realize in the end that it was for his and my own good, I don't think he realizes how much stress this puts on me. I go to school from 8-1:30 per day, then go to work till like 10:30 -- then home and do it all over again, having to deal with my dad's alcohol doesnt help.

I think it is going to get better, and hopefully not worse. If anything arises I feel that I can come to you guys now, I have been posting on this board for about a year now and trust the regulars :).

I hope to someday join your ranks Marines. :)

If anyone has anything to add feel free to post and if anything major happens I'll try to keep you guys up to date without constantly bumping an old thread.