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thedrifter
07-06-02, 01:23 PM
The following are real ads—classified and otherwise—published in newspapers across the U.S.

Nordic track, $300. Hardly used, call Chubby.

Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.

Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.
Free Yorkshire terrier. Eight years old. Hateful little dog.

For sale by owner. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

One man, seven women hot tub. $850/offer.

Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition—$6,800.

Georgia peaches. California grown. 89 cents/lb.

Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

German shepherd, 85 lbs., neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Cows, calves never bred. Also one gay bull for sale.

Found—dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be reward.

Bill's septic cleaning. We haul American-made products.

Open house. Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and donuts.

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

Shakespeare's Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer and dryer, $300.

Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer and dryer, $300.

Nice parachute—never opened. Used once.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit-sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay, $7-9 per hour.

Free puppies—part German shepherd, part stupid dog.

Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

For sale—a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Twenty dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation special—have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts—Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster—a gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

For rent—six-room hated apartment.

Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted—chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Wanted—part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted—hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted—preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Mother's helper—peasant working conditions.

Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Two female Boston terrier puppies, seven wks. old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Wanted—unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

Modular sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Sempers,

Roger

tkuhr
07-06-02, 09:01 PM
I'ld say you gotta be making these up, 'cept my kids work at the local Bakers Square and posted on the blackboard: Today's Special: Baby Seal Club and Grilled Porpoise. Management didn't catch on 'til the cooks came out and yelled "No mas porpoise, no mas porpoise!"