View Full Version : 12 Days of Christmas

12-23-02, 07:55 PM
December 14
My dearest darling John:
Where on earth did you find a real partridge in a pear tree?
Thank you a hundred times!
All my love forever,

December 15
Dearest John:
I received your sweet gift. Imagine: two turtle doves! They're
adorable. Thanks again!
Love always,

December 16
Dear John:
Aren't you the extravagant one. I don't deserve such generosity,
three French hens!

December 17
Dear John:
Today I got the four calling birds. Now really, they're
beautiful, but isn't that a bit too romantic?

December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the UPS delivered five golden rings, one
for every finger. Just in time, as those birds squawking
were starting to get on my nerves, and I was beginning to wonder
about you!

December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again? These
geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining. Please stop.

December 20
What's with you and freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What
kind of joke is this? There's bird poop everywhere. I can't sleep
at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.
So stop!

December 21
O.K. Buster:
What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not
enough with all those birds - they had to bring their
cows! There's manure everywhere and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off, smart-ass.

December 22
Hey Bonehead:
What are you...some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing - and I mean playing! They haven't stopped chasing
those maids since they got here. The cows are upset and they're
stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do?
The neighbors want me evicted. What were you thinking?!

December 23
You rotten jerk:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I say "ladies."
They've been fooling around with those pipers all night long. Now
the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The Commissioner
of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you.

December 24
Listen you "#$%&*^#"
Great - now there's eleven lords a leaping on those maid and
ladies. All twenty-three of the birds have been trampled to death
in the orgy. The pipers have even started getting the cows into
the action. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine!!!
Your sworn enemy.....

December 25th
Lickem, Stickem, and Dickem,
Attorneys at Law

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms.
Lydia Zeltow. The destruction of her property and peace of mind
was, of course, total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. Should you attempt to locate or contact Ms. Zeltow at
the sanitarium where she now resides, the attendants have been instructed to have you arrested on sight.


You WILL be hearing from us again in the VERY near future.