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thedrifter
03-19-06, 08:17 AM
Posted on Sun, Mar. 19, 2006
Local families lose sons, gain support
By Jim Carney
Beacon Journal staff writer

They are a band of mothers and fathers, now brothers and sisters, united in grief and healing.

Three years ago, none of them knew each other.

Then, one by one, they lost their sons in war.

Now, these families who have all experienced the horror of hearing the ringing doorbell and then seeing Marines or soldiers standing on the porch, are close friends.

It started with one Gold Star family reaching out to another.

Three months after they lost their son, Richard, in February 2004, parents Julie and Jerry Ramey read in the paper that a fellow Stark County soldier, Jesse Buryj, had been killed.

``She called me because they were going to be out of town during the funeral,'' said Peggy Buryj, Jesse's mother. ``I recognized the name immediately. She told me we weren't alone.''

Julie Ramey called again after they got home.

``We talked on the phone at first,'' Mrs. Ramey said. ``That was an important thing.''

The Rameys and Buryjs became instant friends.

Reaching out

Two months later, when Michael Barkey of Lawrence Township was killed, the Buryjs and Rameys went to calling hours together and met Hal and Julie Barkey.

Richard Ramey's casket just five months earlier occupied the same spot at the funeral home.

The three couples began to go out to dinner periodically.

``Having these dinners once a month really helped the guys,'' Julie Ramey said.

Then in May 2005, when Aaron Seesan of Massillon was killed, the three couples reached out to Tom and Chiquita Seesan.

Bob and Marla Derga of Lake Township were also at the Seesan calling hours. Bob's son and Marla's stepson, Dustin Derga of Columbus, had died just two weeks earlier.

The Dergas introduced themselves to the Seesans as fellow Gold Star parents. While there, the Dergas noticed Julie and Jerry Ramey walk in wearing Gold Star pins.

The five couples began meeting each month.

Then in August, the nation received word of more than a dozen Ohio deaths from the 3rd Battalion, 25th Marines, based in Brook Park.

So the group grew more.

Not alone

On Thursday night, parents of eight soldiers and Marines who died in Iraq gathered at the Derga home.

They brought desserts and snacks and hung out in the kitchen all evening, sharing stories and catching up.

The house was full of laughter and chatter.

Edie and Dan Deyarmin of Tallmadge, who lost their son Nathan in August, had met some of the other parents last fall at a Canton memorial service for those killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.

``Sometimes you feel all alone out there,'' Edie Deyarmin said. ``Everybody went back to normal but here you are and it's not normal. With the war going on, you are still hearing the same things and it weighs on you constantly.''

Being part of the group helps, she said.

``I need to come for my soul,'' her husband said. ``It weighs on my mind when I get up in the morning and I think about my boy and when I go to bed at night and I think about my boy.''

Deyarmin said ``it helps being around others'' who have shared such a loss.

Two members of the group are mothers from Cuyahoga County who live a mile apart but were strangers until their sons died.

Marlyon Garmback of Brook Park, who lost her son Joseph in July 2004, heard about the group from Julie Ramey.

She had met a lot of other Ohio families at the Faces of the Fallen exhibit at Arlington National Cemetery last year.

When Marine Cpl. Brad Squires of Middleburg Heights died in June 2005, Garmback came to the calling hours and gave Donna Squires two metal hearts.

Squires put one of the hearts in her son's casket and kept the other. Soon the two mothers began attending the monthly gatherings.

In May, many of the families plan to go to the Washington Monument for A Time of Remembrance, a tribute to the men and women who have died in Afghanistan and Iraq.

The ladies in the group have become such good friends that some have planned a June trip to Amish country in Holmes County.

Group still growing

Though the gathering Thursday drew eight families, other area families of the fallen have attended other gatherings. And they continue to reach out to other parents.

Bob Derga, 51, who works at Diebold, took two weeks off work last summer just to attend Marine funerals. He and his wife have gone to 18 military funerals since then.

Marla Derga, an artist, has painted tributes to her stepson and others in his Marine unit, giving the pictures away to help herself and others.

At the meetings, the mothers and fathers share a meal, tell stories, tell jokes, laugh and cry together and recommend books that they have read.

They rarely talk politics.

Between meetings, the new friends call each other for support.

``We have kind of become a family,'' Julie Ramey said.

Jerry Ramey said he knows he has gone through much healing, and hopes new members to the group will see that healing does take place, even though the hurt remains.

``They can look at us and say, `Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel,' '' he said.

Tom Seesan, 56, superintendent of the Stark County Board of Mental Retardation and Developmental Disabilities, said that at first the meetings were raw with emotion.

But as time has passed and friendships have been made, the Seesans feel better knowing they aren't alone.

``We belong to a club nobody wants to belong to,'' he said. ``As it gets bigger, we cringe, because you don't want it to get bigger. Unfortunately, it does.''
Jim Carney can be reached at 330-996-3576 or jcarney@thebeaconjournal.com

Ellie