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thedrifter
02-13-06, 06:36 AM
Posted on Mon, Feb. 13, 2006
Uncle Sam has become Cupid
Military marriages face unique challenges, couples say
By Chuck Crumbo
Knight Ridder

Shelton and Tracy Mickel were thousands of miles apart on their second anniversary last November. Chief Warrant Officer Shelton Mickel was in Afghanistan; Sgt. Tracy Mickel was in Iraq.

The soldier-couple knew their marriage had to be flexible. There might be times when the Army's needs would trump their personal lives.

They will celebrate the anniversary, just later. "We're planning a trip to Las Vegas when Tracy takes her two weeks of R&R in March," said Shelton Mickel of Bishopville.

The Mickels reflect a growing trend as Uncle Sam has inadvertently become Cupid. About 77,000 members of the U.S. military are married to another member of the armed services.

Dual-military or "mil-to-mil" marriages made up nearly 13 percent of all marriages in 2003 - the most recent year for which the Defense Department has numbers - compared with 8.5 percent in 2001. Overall, about 52.3 percent of active-duty personnel were married in 2003.

The jump in dual-military or mil-to-mil marriages largely is due to an increase in the percentage of women in uniform. In 1990, women made up 11 percent of all active-duty personnel. By 2003, women accounted for 15 percent of the force, according to a Defense Department report.

The report also found:

Nearly half, or 49.5 percent, of married women in the active-duty forces are in mil-to-mil marriages.

Married female officers are nearly 7.5 times more likely than married male officers to have a spouse in uniform.

About 65 percent of married female Marines and 59 percent of married women in the Air Force are in dual-military marriages. The numbers for the Navy and Army are 44.5 percent and 40.5 percent, respectively.

Marriage long has been the target of Pentagon studies because commanders have learned that a good marriage is key to retaining seasoned troops. The studies also have found that female troops in mil-to-mil marriages stay in uniform longer.

Dual-military marriages, though, face unique challenges, the studies have shown.

Foremost is the strain that deployments and long periods of separation put on couples and families.

However, mil-to-mil couples interviewed said they understood those risks before tying the knot. But, they added, its reassuring and comforting to have a partner who understands the military and can speak in military acronyms and relate to the dangers the partner faces.

"Here we are at dinner talking about an ambush," said Maj. Scott Conway, a logistics officer at Marine Corps Air Station Beaufort. "It's an ironic conversation we're able to have very naturally."

Conway's wife of about three years, Army Maj. Alayne Conway, is a public affairs officer at Hunter Army Air Field, 45 miles down the road in Savannah.

Dinner conversations aside, there's a very practical reason to marry to another member of the military, Alayne Conway said.

"It helps personally as well as professionally," she said. "We use each other as a sounding board."

Most dual-military couples met on the job - in the chow halls and briefing rooms of military bases.

Cols. John and Cynthia Valentin met on the track at the Marine Corps Air Station in El Toro, Calif.

It was about a year later, when they were at the same conference table, that John Valentin - a self-proclaimed "confirmed bachelor" - became smitten.

Valentin was impressed by Cynthia's confident bearing and poise. "I remember saying to myself, 'Now, there's someone who looks like the type of person I would marry,'" Valentin said.

They wed 17 years ago. Both are stationed at the Marine Corps Recruit Depot at Parris Island. He's chief of staff; she's commander of the female training battalion. They are the parents of two boys, ages 12 and 10.

Experts who work with military families say the foundation of a good dual-military marriage is no different than for civilians.

"Trust, good communication and strong affection of the partner, those are building blocks of any good marriage," said Shelley MacDermid, co-director of the Military Family Research Institute at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Ind.

The career track

Another challenge for dual-military couples is finding ways to keep two careers on track despite having to transfer from one duty station to another every two or three years.

All of the armed services try to find couples jobs at either the same base or within 50 miles of each other. Commanders usually keep an eye out for openings, the troops said.

But couples like the Conways, who are in different branches, are not covered by any agreement. They have to hunt for jobs in areas where Army and Marine bases are near each other, like the Beaufort-Savannah area.

Other couples hold jobs that can be transferred just about anywhere. Capt. Taylor is in finance and Sgt. 1st Class Taylor is in logistics - fields that exist at any Army post.

Army Command Sgt. Maj. Jimmy Blackmon and wife Sgt. Maj. Wanda Blackmon have advanced their careers to the top of the enlisted ranks after 11 years of marriage. They are the first Army couple to be promoted to sergeant major at the same time.

Mil-to-mil couples say they enjoy advantages over couples in which one member is a civilian worker. If they have to transfer to another base, mil-to-mil tandems retain their seniority, maintain their benefits and accrue more leave time.

By comparison, in a marriage between a soldier and civilian, the civilian spouse often loses seniority and must start at the bottom of the organizational ladder.

Ultimately, what keeps a dual-military marriage together is the same as in civilian pairings, MacDermid said.

"Military marriages may get tested a little more regularly than others by separations or by dangers that the partners face, but I don't think that makes them different animals than civilian marriages."

36.6 | Average age of married officers

30.6 | Average age of married enlisted troops

12.9 | Percentage of married troops who are married to someone else in the military, so-called "mil-to-mil" marriages

49.5 | Percentage of married female troops who are married to someone else in uniform

64.8 | Percentage of married female Marines who are in mil-to-mil marriages; the highest percentage in the armed forces

Source: Defense Department 2003 Demographics Report

Ellie