Top Thirty Facts about Chuck Norris

[outlaw3179]

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has
never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting
infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes
killing.
4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his
rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts
ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony,
couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it
coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
6. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away
from death.
7. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he
checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
8. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law
and Order are trademarked names for his left and right
legs.
9. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
10. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
11. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends
blank forms and includes only a picture of himself,
crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had
to pay taxes ever.
12. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why
there are no signs of life there.
13. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it
wouldn't take **** from anybody.
14. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a
convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine
months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami
Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in
professional football history.
15. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat
cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a
day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for
30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
16. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not
because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the
dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
17. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe.
Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck
Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man
blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this
man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by
Chuck Norris.
18. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
19. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses
are hung like Chuck Norris
20. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and
got one.
21. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one
hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with
his waitress.
22. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II"
video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because
every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When
asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
glitch."
23. Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day
watching television when one of those commercials for
Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck
Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be
a relaxing day, punching every child he came across.
He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck
Norris.”
24. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the ****
down.
25. According to Einstein's theory of relativity,
Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you
yesterday.
26. Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
27. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them
down until he gets the information he wants.
28. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought
baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly
to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus'
obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
29. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this
spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact
a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and
that you will be handicapped if you park there.
30. Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of
all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the
Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon

[Osotogary]

This looks like something NamVet67 would enjoy.

[Ed Palmer]

Ed!!
If you thought of all of these on your own, you have way too much time on your hand brother!! You definitely need to get a hobby if this is the case. But, you do provide us with alot of chuckles at this site and therefore my friend, we will always remain in your debt!!
I've always had mixed emotions about our friend Teddy - watching him sometimes is like "watching your mother - in -law go off a 2,000 foot cliff in your new cadillac - she survives without a scratch and you are left with increased insurance premiums!!!
Later!

outlaw3179
You like myself definitely have too much time on your hands also

[outlaw3179]

Lol...I cant take credit...it was an email going around the office today ...for some reason i found theese hilarious..Gotta love Chuck !!!!

[Ed Palmer]

Let Me add to it

They vote!!!!






Candidates for the "Darwin Awards"



Remember They Vote

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and

hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take

it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking

twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of

this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to

read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

Caution! . . . . . . . . . . . . .

These people Vote

=======

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent

which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun

waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the
North?"

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has

for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with

that stuff". . . . . . . .She ALSO votes!

==========

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I

got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center

was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7

days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting
to

end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific". . . . . . . . .He ALSO
votes!

==========

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we

overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the

sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a

convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car

was moving". . . . . . . . . She ALSO votes!

==========

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut

through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . . .
. .
.

My sister ALSO votes!

==========

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were

discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The

cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us

a 20% discount . . . . . . . .

He ALSO votes!

==========

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring

attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the

chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a
person's

nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the

head is turned. . . . . . . . . . My friend

ALSO votes!

=========

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to

the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never

showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a

trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,

"has your plane arrived yet? ".

. . . . . . . . . SHE ALSO votes!



A man was ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the

cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought

about it for some time before

responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry

enough to eat 6 . . . . . . . . . Yep, he votes too.

=========

Now you know who elects the politicians!

[Ed Palmer]

Just what the people with too much time on their hands,need.

http://www.rit.edu/~smo4215/flash/Eggs.swf

I AM IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE HOURS YOU WILL SPEND TRYING TO
MOVE
> THE EGG UP THE LADDER

[Sgt0811]

I scored 90