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thedrifter
12-04-05, 05:54 AM
December 4, 2005
Word for Word | The Stiff-Upper-Lip Guide
For Those Left Behind, a Guide to Combat Readiness
By THOM SHANKER

WASHINGTON

THE bookstores are full of how-to guides: on dieting, investment, personal growth, retirement. But until now there hasn't been a how-to-cope manual for those who stay behind when a son or daughter in uniform heads off to war.

Designed for mothers, fathers, parents-in-law and spouses of American troops ordered into combat, the 64-page manual "Your Soldier, Your Army: A Parents' Guide" was written by Vicki Cody, the mother of two Army captains who have pulled tours in Afghanistan and Iraq, and the wife of Gen. Richard A. Cody, the Army vice chief of staff, who fought in the Gulf War of 1991.

It is being distributed to military families, and has been published on the Web (www.ausa.org/pdfdocs/YourSoldier.pdf) by the Association of the United States Army, which describes itself as a private, nonprofit educational organization whose aim is to support the Army.

In it, Mrs. Cody offers her understanding of the concepts of duty, service and risk, as well as tips for enduring worry. In the process, she provides an unusual window into a military culture that remains foreign territory even to most Americans. Some examples of her advice follow.

THOM SHANKER

Keeping fears to yourself:

You can express your fears to your spouse or a close friend, but if your soldier thinks you're scared, it puts more pressure on her. I know it's hard to be upbeat at a time like this because deep inside you are scared and worried. But at the same time, you are probably proud and maybe a little excited. Focus on that.

Telephone etiquette:

Because of the time zone difference, the calls may come at any hour of the day or night. Your soldier may have waited in a long line to get to the phone. ... Keep all that in mind when he calls. Always be upbeat and glad to hear from him, even in the middle of the night. One time I made the mistake of crying; I couldn't help it. I felt terrible afterwards because that was upsetting to him. One time I yawned and reminded him it was two in the morning; another mistake because it made him feel bad. ... Now I keep a list by the phone of things I want to say when he calls.

Getting the details right:

My son also left me a book of signed checks so I could pay a few monthly bills. ... If your soldier has pets, make sure she has a plan for them. I can't tell you the number of stray animals at Fort Campbell when the division deployed for Operation Desert Shield/Desert Storm. Soldiers just didn't take the time - or maybe they didn't know who to turn to - and simply left their animals behind when they deployed. It was a big problem.

Parents can do only so much for the spouse a soldier leaves behind:

Our daughter-in-law knew she needed to be with other Army spouses if she was going to survive this first deployment. The first two weeks were pretty lonely for her, and she considered packing up and moving back to Texas. Then she met a group of spouses, and that was the turning point. These new friends taught her more than I ever could because they were living it and going through it together. They found comfort in one another in ways that neither her mother nor I could provide. She still talked to her mother daily, and we talked frequently. But it was those other wives who taught her the ropes, the language and the ways of the Army.

Looking out for the home front:

Our son was renting a house off post with another helicopter pilot, and they decided to keep the house while they were deployed. They had their phone and cable shut off but kept their account open so they wouldn't have to start over when they returned. They had to keep the water, gas and electric on, but the monthly utility bills were small. Our son had his mail forwarded to me, and I paid these monthly bills as they came in using the book of signed checks he left me. The biggest expense was the rent. He and his roommate had left signed, dated checks with their rental agency for 12 months. Once again, your soldier has to know and trust whomever he's dealing with before he can leave checks with people or agencies.

The special stress of reunion:

People will tell you that parting is the hardest part. In fact, rejoining is usually more difficult. ...Your soldier, coming home after up to a year in combat conditions and, at the least, spartan living and isolation, is looking for normalcy: his favorite food and couch, familiar places and faces, down time and, yes, perhaps a bit of pampering. ... His spouse, being alone for up to a year and wracked with worry, is excited: a time of celebration, experiences, togetherness and, yes, perhaps a bit of pampering. ... Both see the reunion as the solution to all problems. Reality rarely lets it live up to such expectations. Remember that everybody also needs time and patience for readjustment.

Surrendering parental control:

An overseas deployment is a whole other level of parental worry. I remember saying to my husband that it seemed like yesterday the boys were in high school and college, and our worries were drinking and driving, drugs, sex, etc. Suddenly, it was roadside bombs, ambushes, missiles shooting down their aircraft, and horrible sandstorms. There were so many things to worry about I didn't know how I could sleep at night. Suddenly, real-world dangers were confronting our young sons, and no one could promise me they would be O.K. At this point you've got to have faith and trust in your soldier's leaders, in his command and in the Army. Otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy.

Making a military marriage work:

From the moment we say "I do" we're faced with the realities of Army life. Those realities include accidents, injuries, death and facing combat deployments early in marriage. To survive, we accept the realities, compartmentalize them, then ignore them and move on with our lives. But every time we lose a fellow soldier, we're forced to face reality yet again.

Fearing the worst:

What if something happens to your soldier while she is deployed? I know none of us wants to think about this, but sometimes it's better to know what to expect rather than to wonder or to live (and perhaps act upon) misinformation. ... I know how difficult it is when you hear something on the news and you think it may involve your soldier. Every time I hear the words "101st Airborne Division" or "Apache helicopter" on the news, I panic. For a brief moment I'm convinced it involves one or both of my sons. Even though I know if something has happened I will get a phone call or a knock on the door, I can't tell you how many times I've called my husband, holding my breath and thinking the worst. ... Until we hear our sons are not involved, we live in fear.

Ellie