View Full Version : Tofurkey Or Not Tofurkey, That Is The Question

11-24-05, 07:09 AM
Tofurkey Or Not Tofurkey, That Is The Question
Written by Edward L. Daley
Thursday, November 24, 2005

If you go to the ''People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals'' (PETA - www.peta.org) website you'll find a link to an article titled "Top 10 Reasons Not to Eat Turkeys," which begins: Pardon me, pilgrim! This Thanksgiving, how about ditching the dead bird? These beautiful, inquisitive, intelligent birds endure lives of suffering and painful deaths.

I don't know about you, but I've seen plenty of live turkeys, and believe me, these animals are neither intelligent nor beautiful. In the first place, they have tiny, primitive brains, which afford them the attention span of gnats, and a propensity for freaking out at the drop of a hat. Sure, I know a lot of liberals who fit that description too, however, society generally frowns upon hunting them down and blowing their heads off with a shotgun.

But I digress.

As for the assertion that turkeys are beautiful, if a mass of flesh reminiscent of a certain part of the male anatomy dangling from a bird's face is your idea of attractive, I hear there's a bootleg adult film for sale on the Internet featuring Helen Thomas that might interest you. Of course, that may be just a highly disturbing rumor.

Whatever the case, the article in question goes on to list "10 good reasons to carve out a new tradition by flocking to vegetarian entrees," noting that none of the recipes for such epicurean delights "require stuffing food up anyone's behind." Now, I know what you're thinking, but I promise you that that last quote has absolutely nothing to do with the aforementioned movie--as far as I know.

And isn't it interesting that the author of the piece decided use the term "anyone" in reference to wild animals? I don't care how much love a person has for the various beasts of the world, animals are NOT people, and folks who go around pretending that there's no difference between us and them are in need of serious, long-term, psychiatric care.

PETA people like to argue that animals are fundamentally the same as human beings, and are, therefore, deserving of the same basic rights that we enjoy, yet when you point out to them that animals mercilessly slaughter each other for food all the time, they then argue that people are not EXACTLY like other animals, and should eat only tofu and brussel sprouts.

Apparently they have embraced the John Kerry method of debate, which is fine as long as you've got a billionaire spouse to fall back on after you've proved to the world what a complete schmuck you are. If, on the other hand, you are not as lucky as the junior senator from Massachusetts, it is advisable that you avoid contradicting yourself from one sentence to the next during an argument.

By any means, here are excerpts from the top 10 list of reasons why we shouldn't eat turkeys, followed by my rebuttals.

1.) "Turkeys are social, playful birds who enjoy the company of others. They relish having their feathers stroked and like to chirp, cluck, and gobble along to their favorite tunes."

While it's true that turkeys cluck and gobble when they hear music, one should keep in mind that they also cluck and gobble at virtually everything else, including their own shadows. Beyond that, who really cares how freakin' playful they are?

2.) "Turkey flesh is brimming with fat. Just one homemade patty of ground, cooked turkey meat contains a whopping 244 mg of cholesterol, and half of its calories come from fat."

Mmmm... fat...

3.) "Experts are warning that a virulent new strain of bird flu could spread to human beings and kill millions of Americans."

And when people start dropping dead from eating turkeys, I'll move on to roast beef.

4.) "The U.S. government is the only government in the Western world that does not have the power to recall contaminated animal products. Instead, American consumers must trust the profit-hungry meat, dairy, and egg industries to decide when recalls are necessary."

Those profit-hungry companies do a fantastic job of recalling bad meat once they become aware of the problem, primarily because they don't want their customers to get sick and avoid buying their products.

5.) "Let's face it: If you're eating a turkey, that's a corpse you've got there on the table, and if you don't eat it quickly enough, it will decompose."

That's why God made refrigerators and zip-lock bags.

6.) "Dosing turkeys with antibiotics to stimulate their growth and to keep them alive in filthy, disease-ridden conditions that would otherwise kill them poses even more risks for people who eat them."

Hey, life's full of risks. You risk destruction every time you get behind the wheel of a car, or vote a Democrat into high political office.

7.) "On factory farms, turkeys live for months in sheds where they are packed so tightly that flapping a wing or stretching a leg is nearly impossible. They stand in waste, and urine and ammonia fumes burn their eyes and lungs."

Yeah, but I hear they wash them off before packaging them.

8.) "Anyone who has driven by a farm has probably smelled it first from a mile away. Turkeys and other animals raised for food produce 130 times as much excrement as the entire U.S. human population--all without the benefit of waste treatment systems."

It seems to me that vegetarians could use that manure to fertilize their happy little gardens.

9.) "Killing animals is inherently dangerous work, but the fast line speeds, the dirty, slippery killing floors, and the lack of training make animal-processing plants some of the most dangerous places to work in America today."

Building skyscrapers and bridges is pretty dangerous work too, but we don't all live at ground level and use ferryboats to cross rivers.

10.) Tofurky Roast and UnTurkey, savory soy- and wheat-based roasts with stuffing and gravy or oven-roasted, peppered, hickory-smoked, or cranberry- and stuffing-flavored Tofurky Deli Slices.

I believe that using the words savory and tofurkey in the same sentence is a class C felony in some states--and if it isn't, it should be. Suffice it to say that you'll take my drumstick from my cold, dead hands!

Oh, and happy Thanksgiving everyone.

About the Writer: Edward Daley is a freelance writer who resides in New England. He is owner of the website, The Daley Times-Post, which can be accessed at: users.adelphia.net/~thofab/index2.htm.