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thedrifter
10-10-05, 06:13 AM
Doing Away with the Poor
Written by Burt Prelutsky
Monday, October 10, 2005

It is alleged that when his ex-wife was asked to sum up William Saroyan, famous for his heartwarming stories about Fresnoís Armenian community, she replied, ďBill loved mankind, but he hated people.Ē

Knowing from firsthand experience how bitter ex-wives can be, I canít comment on the veracity of that rather pithy analysis, but I think itís a very appropriate comment when it comes to large numbers of Democrats.

The specific group I have in mind includes several millionaire members of the U.S. Senate, virtually every major figure in the motion picture and popular music industries, and a slew of business tycoons. The one thing all these muckety mucks have in common is they only mingle with each other. They love mankind, but they hate poor people. Thatís why they live behind high walls and electric gates, and travel everywhere in limos and private jets, generally accompanied by extremely large men carrying extremely large guns.

When it comes to speaking at charity banquets and delivering political speeches, the rich and famous will say all the usual compassionate bilge about the poor and the downtrodden. But so far as actually interacting with them, thatís strictly limited to the peons who mop their floors, cook their food, mow their lawns, and look after their kids.

And, frankly, I donít blame them. I mean, who the heck really wants to hang around poor people? Besides not looking or even smelling as good as rich people, they always want something. And usually what they want more than anything is to be rich. Thatís exactly the sort of thing that makes wealthy people really nervous. After all, itís not their own kind who go around starting revolutions, burgling their homes, kidnapping for ransom, or knocking them on the head to steal their wallets.

So it is we have millionaires like Kennedy and Kerry, Edwards and Feinstein, Boxer and Dean, trying to pass themselves off as populists, yammering about raising taxes and soaking the rich, as if they themselves were members in good standing of the lunch bucket brigade. The odd thing is that so many poor people seem so willing to go along with the gag. That can either be attributed to extremely good manners or a naivete bordering on feeble-mindedness.

In any case, being neither rich nor poor myself, perhaps itís no surprise that, being in a position to view the problem objectively, I have been able to come up with a surefire cure for poverty in America.

Iím not sure if itís this way in other parts of the country, but here in Southern California, individuals and companies get to adopt a mile or two of freeway. Iím not sure what their responsibility is, inasmuch as the orange-vested clean up crews consist, so far as I can tell, of bad drivers performing the community service portion of their sentences, and not of Rosanne Barr or the gang at Mortonís Mufflers. But I figure they must have kicked in a pretty penny in order to get their names on those little highway signs. After all, publicity doesnít come cheap in this town.

Well, it struck me that if the well-to-do are willing to adopt a stretch of the 405, why donít they, instead, adopt the poor? Heck, all by themselves, liberals like Ted Turner, Barbara Streisand, and George Soros, can afford to adopt every illegal alien coming across the border. And whatís more, Ben & Jerryís ice cream moguls Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield can provide them with butter pecan and fudge ripple until the cows come home.

About the Writer: Burt Prelutsky is a humorist, movie reviewer, writer for television series and movies, and author of the new book, "Conservatives Are From Mars, Liberals Are From San Francisco." His website is at burtprelutsky.com. Burt receives e-mail at BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Ellie