View Full Version : Ask Aunt Sophie

07-07-05, 06:37 AM
Ask Aunt Sophie
By Judith Weizner
FrontPageMagazine.com | July 7, 2005

Dear Aunt Sophie,

I am a Democratic US Senator from New York (which puts me in a very select club). I am also married to an ex-president, so the air I breathe is rather rarified (although heís a s***head he is useful). Iím telling you this so you understand Iím not just anybody.

Recently a high operative in the current administration defamed me and all my Democratic colleagues. When I called for him to repudiate his slander he refused. He wouldnít resign, either. I canít let it pass, though, because what he said was just too mean.

He said that after 9-11 while Republicans prepared for war, liberals made a case for criminal prosecutions and offering terrorists ďtherapyĒ. Therapy! He made us sound like idiots. He made us sound soft on terror. And worse, he made us sound as if weíre clueless about how to persuade terrorists not to attack us again. I canít believe anyone could insult us this way and get away with it. And in New York! Talking about 9-11 in New York ought to be against the law. It brings back terrible memories and makes people angry. For a Republican to do it is especially reprehensible. Getting people angry for partisan purposes ought to be a hate crime.

Well, Iím not clueless. I know exactly what I will do to get the terrorists to back off when Iím president Ė itís the same thing I used to do when I was co-president. You threaten them. And you back it up with action. We used to do this all the time. Weíd make sure everyone knew that if they didnít toe the line weíd have them audited. And weíd arrange an audit for one or two of their friends to be sure they got the message. It worked every time. Why should terrorists be any different than White House travel agents?

We Democrats are all in favor of threatening terrorists. Therapy indeed! Guantanamo is therapy? I happen to agree with my distinguished colleague who called that a concentration camp, but of course I canít say it publicly because if I did thereíd be hell to pay with my constituents and I donít think that the fact that my great-grandmotherís second husbandís brother-in-law was Jewish would help much. People are hyper-sensitive these days. You canít be too careful what you say, no matter what you think.

How can I make every American understand that liberals are even tougher on terror than the f***ing right wing?

Soon-to-be 44th

Dear Soon,

How churlish for a Republican to speak of 9-11, let alone in New York! Why itís almost as bad as mentioning Pearl Harbor in Hawaii.

I donít see why you should have any trouble getting people to understand that liberals are tougher on terror than conservatives. The key is getting people to understand that liberals are tough on terror in their own way. Itís rather like getting them to understand the liberal approach to child molesters: While some bigots might think they should be boiled in oil, liberals understand that they were probably victims themselves, which is why they are asked to register when they get out of prison and take up their normal, productive activities between kidnappings. Everyone loves children, but itís important to realize that some people have a different way of showing it.

Letís not forget that terrorists are people, too, even though their traditions may differ from ours. While we raise our children in the hope that theyíll grow up to have families of their own, terrorists encourage their young to turn themselves into steak tartare in the course of murdering other peopleís children, a unique outlook, but valid in its own way.

Instead of desecrating mosques and slaughtering innocents in foreign lands, Americans should be listening and learning Ė learning what it is about them that drives some people to take hi-jacking lessons. This isnít therapy, itís simply good manners.

If America were serious about ending terrorism it would strive for world peace. It would sit in the General Assembly with its hands tied, um, folded and listen to endless hours of castigation before working up a fool-proof plan to persuade millions of unskilled people to enter the country illegally. It would promise never to build another power plant without first securing Ralph Naderís blessing. It would teach the Koran in public school while simultaneously removing all representations of the Ten Commandments from any place where they might be viewed without buying a ticket. It would cease production of all internal combustion engines not destined for use in limousines in the District of Columbia. It would abolish the death penalty but would encourage physician-assisted suicide, thus expanding the new definition of eminent domain to include making room for new people who would provide more value to society than the old ones theyíd replace.

In short, if America were serious about world peace it would simply cease to be America and let the waters close over its head.

You and your liberal friends are every bit as tough on terror as anybody else. Itís just too bad you think weíre the terrorists.

Good luck and God bless.