The good wifes guide!!!

[Ed Palmer]

The good wifes guide!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take a look at this girls what i found on the computer toda, called the good wifes guide from housekeeping monthly 1955.


Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.


Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking.


Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give him a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.


Be happy to see him


Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.


Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember, his topics of conversation are more importantant than yours.


Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.


Don't complain if he is late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.


Arrange his pillow and offer to take his shoes off. Speak in a low and soothing voice.


Dont ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfullness. You have no right to question him.


Agood wife always knows her place.


So girls what do you think to this?????? lol,

[GySgtRet]

I know the world of today this wouldn't fly...!!! It is not PC at all. But it does sound nice.

Semper Fidelis

[Sgt Sostand]

Only One thing i wish it was True

[THATFEMALE]

What a load of crap! Kiss that good life "Goodbye" gentleman. Gunny you are right," It ain't happening!" Wishful thinking, huh?

[Phantom Blooper]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.




So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.




He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.






She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!




She will bear your children.




and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.




"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."




Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"


God replied, "An arm and a leg."




Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"


Of course the rest is history..........


___________________________

[GySgtRet]

You know that would be great. But then we have the WM police like THATFEMALE monitoring what we say and we couldn't get away with it. But it still sounds great. Never to agru, that's what I am talking about. But then I wouldn't want a bubble headed woman either. She has to have a little bit of G-2

[Phantom Blooper]

G-2 that's what G-4 issues. THATFEMALE is in supply. I know I'll hear about this! ROTFLMAO! Semper-Fi! "Never Forget" Chuck Hall:)

P.S. REMEMBER we agree to disagree!:)

[THATFEMALE]

Someone has to keep you males in line Gunnery Sergeant! Can't let you run around wild like you're in control or something. You have only the rights we allow you to have! Semper FI Marines.

[GySgtRet]

A little bit of wild isn't bad.

[THATFEMALE]

I guess not Gunny! LOL SSGT, you nailed it. "We agree to disagree" is right. I'm "Commander in Chief" of the WM police Gunny!

[Osotogary]

..."keep you males in line". That "line" is a perspective and maybe an individual perspective at that. Needless to say it is an important perspective unless it becomes offense and detrimental to the whole or "mission" as it were.

I know, I know...."Blow it out of your asterisk!"

Personally, I'd get a tad uncomfortable if a woman (or anybody else...for that matter) did all of those niceties for me from that 1955 list on a continual basis. Arrange my pillow? I don't think so! Besides, I don't know of anybody who can shape my pillow into Marilyn Monroe like I can. LOL

[USMCgrunt0331]

There's over a million divorces a year now, way up from 1955, so maybe the women were doin something right.......

[THATFEMALE]

You guys are a riot! You know I love you though, right? It's nice to be able to go back and forth with someone who doesn't get all anal and take stuff too seriously. That must be why I love my "Nasty" males! While that lifestyle may be suitable for some females, it wouldn't fly with a "Lady Leatherneck!" Ostogary you are too much!:D

[enviro]

According to Dave Chappelle, in 2005 the list goes like this.

1. **** his ****
2. **** with his *****
3. Make him a sandwich
4. Don't talk so much

Edited for good reason.....

Which brings up another point - if this list is so bad, why buy a magazine with a article called "100 ways to please your man"

Millions of copies sell every year - it's called Cosmo

[THATFEMALE]

Sergeant you certainly have some, for lack of a better word "balls" to post that. I know exactly what you are talking about. Dave Chappelle is nuts. I guess if it were edited a bit more, the same could be said for you guys, right? LOL

[Ed Palmer]

OH MY did I start a family fued here?

[THATFEMALE]

SGT, certain woman don't have a clue. They need magazines like that to step their game up. To unleash that wild and exciting side of them. With all us young woman roaming around, they have to find something to keep the flames going at home.

[THATFEMALE]

Guilty SSGT. You did. It's all in good fun though. It's not really a fight though. I'm a female so there's no competition. I'm naturally right! LOL

[GySgtRet]

Osotogary,

Gary very funny but true. I liked your * thing.

enviro,
What are the blanks?

[Phantom Blooper]

It's nice to be able to go back and forth with someone who doesn't get all anal and take stuff too seriously.

THATFEMALE that is because us males have "ANAL GLAUCOMA" we don't go where we see we are getting our ass in trouble! :) :( :)

Semper-Fi! "Never Forget" Chuck Hall

[GySgtRet]

Phantom Blooper,

That is an excellent way to put it.

Semper Fidelis

[enviro]

Hey - you're right! My wife's list looks like this:

1. **** her ****
2. **** with her *****
3. Make her a sandwich
4. Don't talk so much

[nc.gal]

MUST HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY A MAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!
:p



Gary, show us a pic of your m/monroe shape pillow :D

[Namvet67]

Hey nc.gal....there were households like that in 1955! I grew up in one of them....real life ozzie and harriet! Wasn't everyone's Mom like that back in those days...LOL! How you doing Linda?

[Osotogary]

Pillow? Nc.gal, right now, as old as it is, it has started to take the shape of ....gawd forbid...Roseanne Barr. It is now used for those who wish to elevate themselves in the truck seat.

[tntmondy]

When Cosmo is talking about how to please a man it is generally NOT like what they described in 1955, in fact then it was a forbidden topic and &quot;nice&quot; girls didn't do that anyway. LOL <br />
Men only are...

[THATFEMALE]

SSGT, I disagree. 90% of the time when a male opens his mouth he might as well have stuck his foot in it. LOL Sgt, I didn't mean to edit it like that! Everyone's Mom wasn't like that. If mine had been I might have been a totally different person. Cpl you are so right in your post. Gentleman, you might want to stop now. Two WM"s might be a little too much for you to handle. :yes:

[lucien2]

My wife would laugh her ass off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nc.gal]

Gary, I'm doing just fine.
I'm afraid my growing up years were not
Ozzie and Harriet. :(

And now for the other Gary, Osotogari---
sounds like you put that pillow to some good use.:D


Have a nice evening gentlemen !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Phantom Blooper]

I don't think so! Besides, I don't know of anybody who can shape my pillow into Marilyn Monroe like I can. LOL


Gary,Out of curiosity which part of the Marilyn pillow do you lay your head on? Second question,do you droll or slobber in your sleep? Inquiring minds want to know.

Semper-Fi! "Never Forget" Chuck Hall:)

[GunnyL]

When my wife forgets, I just put my Limp Bizkit CD on and Play "My way or the Highway"! Good thing she has a great sense of humor LOL she has to have one to be married to me!

[enviro]

I've had dreams about handling two WMs.

[Phantom Blooper]

With all us young woman roaming around, they have to find something to keep the flames going at home.

Matches,lighters,candles,lighter fluid,propane torches,acetelyne torches,gasoline,kerosene,the list is endless...or caveman it and rub two sticks together then drag em by the hair to the warmth of the damp cave. Semper-Fi! "Never Forget" Chuck Hall

[marinefamily5]

I seen this post and I laught my azz off........I showed my wife the post and she laught too.....that is when I told her I wanted her to clean the head, mop the deck, clean the balkheads and wip down the portholes then she could make my dinner, after that she could clean the galley thenn give the kids a bath and then after that if it is good enough she could have the privilage ( i can't spell ) of making her man feel good in the bed room..........so what happened when i told her this............i did the head, the decks, the balkheads and the portholes and cleaned the galley and still didn't get any lovin.....................

[Osotogary]

"Gary,Out of curiosity which part of the Marilyn pillow do you lay your head on? "

Well, Phantom. it all depends if I want to talk or not. LMAO

Drooling or slobber? The last time I did that was when I had dental surgery. Marilyn got pizzed!


Note, please note. Not one word of the above is true. I do not have a pillow named Marilyn and and I do not manipulate my pillow into voluptuous shapes. Honest.:)

[GySgtRet]

Gary,

Do you expect any self respecting Marine to buy that...???

[Osotogary]

Yep! ;)

[GySgtRet]

Ok just checking.

[Namvet67]

nc.gal.....yep it's me (gbudd)! Thought i would go incognito..LOL

[LDO Capt]

From a Air Wing perspective.....


Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:

1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.

2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

8) Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown
before.

10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.

14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women,
it's usually not good.

[Namvet67]

Outstanding Capt! LMAO

[Ed Palmer]

You people realy amaze me so carry on

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/pleasecarryon.jpg

[nc.gal]

Looks like one of Gary's cartoons ;)



:D




What else do you have:qmark:

[yellowwing]

14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
Begging your pardon Sir, but they do tend to be very unforgiving of human error! They may not say anything, but physics does their talking for them! :no:

[LDO Capt]

Originally posted by yellowwing

Begging your pardon Sir, but they do tend to be very unforgiving of human error! They may not say anything, but physics does their talking for them! :no:

I agree, but at least you don't have to hear about it...FOREVER :D

[Ed Palmer]

Ok here,s what happened in 1955 it was caused by this Medical release and everyone jumped on it .



American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from
receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

[LDO Capt]

I don't know what they are complaining about??? It's much harder to follow Men's rules anyway:

Mens rules:

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed or beaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your Date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

[sgt.r.n.davis]

I always found that if you just pour alittle salt in your hand and hold it out to the bull ,they tend,to just follow ya!!! :yes: ;)

I took a ride once, like that years ago.

:marine:

[sgt.r.n.davis]

JOKE, WHAT'S THE DIFFERANCE BETWEEN A WIFE AND YOUR BLACK LAB DOG?
AFTER ONE YEAR OF MARRIAGE ,THE DOG IS STILL GLADE TO SEE YOU,WHEN YOU COME HOME!

ME,:D WIFE:no:

[jirzman]

For all of you hard Marines,now days the meaning of "BRAVERY" is staying out all night drinking with the men,getting home drunk being meant at the door by your wife with a broom,and you asking "Were you cleaning or going for a Ride."

[GySgtRet]

jirzman,

I had never heard that one before. Pretty dang good one.

[muck]

MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction.

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.

She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

[Phantom Blooper]

A Wish from God -

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Wow! Thanks. Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports down to the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust every natural resource I have made.

I can do it, but it's hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,

"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'Nothing's wrong', and how I can make that woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

AMEN.

_____________________:banana:

[Wyoming]

Originally posted by jirzman
For all of you hard Marines,now days the meaning of "BRAVERY" is staying out all night drinking with the men,getting home drunk being meant at the door by your wife with a broom,and you asking "Were you cleaning or going for a Ride."


Or -

. . . met by the wife at the door, slapping her on the arse, and saying, 'You're next'.

[Osotogary]

I believe it was the actor Richard Harris who described an incident early on in his marriage. One weekend he was invited to join his friends in the UK. He hadn't been married that long so he thought nothing of flying over to the UK and spending some time with his buddies while they watched the ongoing football tournament . He didn't tell his wife he was going, he just went... he had plans on calling her from England. His planned one weekend stay turned into a 3 week excursion. All the while ...he didn't call his wife. He decided to face the music and head home to the New York area where they lived. He mentioned, while telling of this incident, that although his wife was outwardly demure and not all that tall, she could be tough when she wanted to be. The fact that he hadn't called or even left a message of his whereabouts added to his anguish as he walked towards his home. He mentioned that not only was he sweating but he was excruciatingly terrified of what was in store for him. As he was about to ring the front door bell the strain of thinking about what he was going to say to his wife almost got the best of him. After ringing the bell he waited for his wife. Sure enough she opened the door and just stared at him, not saying a word. It seemed like an eternity before he looked at his wife and blurted, "Why didn't you pay the ransom?"

Would any of your spouses pay the ransom?

[GySgtRet]

I never thought of doing that. Naw she wouldn't pay the ransom.

[Ed Palmer]

Originally posted by THATFEMALE
What a load of crap! Kiss that good life "Goodbye" gentleman. Gunny you are right," It ain't happening!" Wishful thinking, huh?

The Lamaze Class
The room was full of pregnant women, The Lamaze class was in full
swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was
telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at
this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier!" She looked at the men in the room. "And
gentlemen, remember: you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go
walking with your partner".

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed thisinformation.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" asked
the
teacher. "I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she
carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[GySgtRet]

Oh not PC at all. But women's lib you know she needs the exersise anyway.

[Osotogary]

I know it's late but what's with this?

I get up feeling chipper as all get out, head towards the shower, suds up and start singing "No other love have I". All of a sudden I hear this shrill sound that I can barely make out. It takes me a few seconds before I realize that someone has just told me to stifle myself! I swear... ya sing something romantic and ya get shot down. Boy, women sure know how to take the starch out a guy's lapel.

I think the next time I'll blast out Oklahoma.

[Phantom Blooper]

Sounds like a solo is in order ,Gary!....From the DVD you sent me at Christmas disguised as a Music CD you told me," do you really think I was going to sing" was written on the card. So maybe your bride knows more than we do. Have you been drinkin' before you started to belt out those tunes?
Best thing to do is to buy your bride a nice expensive present(Preferably mink earmuffs), take her to a nice restaurant, and then take her back to your place for a long night of passionate love and don't mention this aspect of this singing nosense ever again. LMAO!

Semper-Fi! "Never Forget" Chuck Hall:)

[Osotogary]

Dammmmm. The past has come back to haunt me!
I do believe another CD is in the making. "100 bottles of beer on the wall" in espanol!!!! Should be a real firecracker.
Nope, Phantom, I hadn't been drinking before I belted out the tunes. I find that I remember the lyrics better when I don't. Now, if I could just get the pitch right.
Take care and thanks for your concern. LMAO

[Ed Palmer]

Just like a woman never listens to whats being said and then takes it totaly out of context

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/86.bmp

[Ed Palmer]

COPENHAGEN, Denmark Jun 21, 2005 — New research indicates parts of the brain that govern fear and anxiety are switched off when a woman is having an orgasm but remain active if she is faking.

In the first study to map brain function during orgasm, scientists from the Netherlands also found that as a woman climaxes, an area of the brain governing emotional control is largely deactivated.

"The fact that there is no deactivation in faked orgasms means a basic part of a real orgasm is letting go. Women can imitate orgasm quite well, as we know, but there is nothing really happening in the brain," said neuroscientist Gert Holstege, presenting his findings Monday to the annual meeting of the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology.http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/wireStory?id=867207

[mrbsox]

There are TWO ways to argue with a woman.

.

.

.

Neither of them work !!

[Phantom Blooper]

As we age, our priorities change .

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.


"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went golfing. :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

"I Am Woman"

Artist: Helen Reddy from "Helen Reddy's Greatest Hits-Words and Music by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton


I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman


:banana:

[Osotogary]

The strongest women I've ever known never saw the need to sing that song.

[Phantom Blooper]

I was coming back from the doctor and listening to talk radio,I heard that Senator Hilary is using that as her theme song.Semper-Fi! "Never Forget" Chuck Hall

[GySgtRet]

SO this would be with a smile. "One jug or two"?

[marinefamily5]

I think I would have to have two !!!!!

LOL

[Osotogary]

I don't know about the beer but she's not flat.
She does have an engaging smile and a nicely shaped clavicle...dontcha think?
.

[MarkT]

Thats a list I can live with. but as someone said things have sure changed since 1955.

WM police ? Is that like the old BAM patrol ?

[MarkT]

Wow I just noticed the keg or er the jug of beer, damn am I ever thirsty... Now that would be worth coming home to and a nice little quarter keg at that.

[Ed Palmer]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by GySgtRet
SO this would be with a smile. "One jug or two"? [/QUOte


Dont you mean one yum or yum yum

[MarkT]

Either, or and then both

[GySgtRet]

OH Yeah...!!! Getting home from a hot day at work. I can hear it now honey would like something from one of these jugs...???

[mrbsox]

But with the 'sub titles', you can't really tell if the beer is COLD or not :banana:

[MarkT]

When it looks that good, who cares.

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/image008.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/image004.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/xzv.jpg

[MarkT]

OUTSTANDING !

[GySgtRet]

Those are nice looking shirts...!!!

[Ed Palmer]

http://www.guzer.com/videos/blonde_rider.php

[Ed Palmer]

http://www.guzer.com/videos/candle_light.php

[GySgtRet]

They got a lot of horse power there. L O L...!!!

[drillinstructor]

Originally posted by THATFEMALE
Someone has to keep you males in line Gunnery Sergeant! Can't let you run around wild like you're in control or something. You have only the rights we allow you to have! Semper FI Marines.



wowwwwww

[drillinstructor]

this is why I will remain single I guess

[Ed Palmer]

All About Men

Men are like ... newborn babies They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like ... coffee The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.

Men are like ... computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like ... coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... power tools They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like ... remote controls Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

Men are like .... shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

Men are like ... vacuum cleaners They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

Men are like ... road kill They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like ... soap operas They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like ... pillows Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

Men are like ... old car tires Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like ... plastic wrap Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.

Men are like ... department stores Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like ... horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like .. cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like ... plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

[Phantom Blooper]

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex. Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, and it was a complete freaking mess after that.

[Ed Palmer]

So there you are, having a dinner party.....

Your parents are there,
Your in-laws are there,
Your boss and his wife are there,
The minister and his wife are there,
You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner,

Then in walks the dog.......















http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_001a01c5a713c1cbbfe0d3286744you.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

The good wifes Guide

The new, 2005 version is simpler

1. Don't bitxh the moment he enters the room. Let him open his beer first
2. Place Stouffer's entree in oven 15 minutes before he usually gets home
3. Send the kids to your mother's
4. Sit on sofa naked

[Ed Palmer]

and for the man who spent too much time in Japan


Always greet him with the following, "Me so hoany, me ruv you rong time."

[Ed Palmer]

http://www.squaredancecd.com/Bride/brides.htm

[Ed Palmer]

http://matt.edwards.home.insightbb.com/wedweb/little.html

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/assremote.jpg

[Old Marine]

Been married to my wife for 50 years and it's always been like the first post of this thread. Go figure.

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/YahooMail-dreedy_16201yahoo.jpg

[Old Marine]

Ed Palmer:

Do you know what the Japenese call panty hose?

Ans: No Nooky Sockie.

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/image001_16.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.


Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds.

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.

If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.

[Phantom Blooper]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me"

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......"

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said

*

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"What's a headache? :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

It's the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some
construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference
when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or
less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing!
a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said
all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the
two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the
little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young
age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller,
"and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied,
"I will if those a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**king sheet
rock..."

[Ed Palmer]

Husband Accused Of Forcing Wife To Have Sex Contract <br />
The Indy Channel ^ | February 7, 2006 | AP <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
COUNCIL BLUFFS, Iowa -- An Iowa man is accused of kidnapping his wife, and prosecutors...

[Ed Palmer]

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.'' ''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.''

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_005a01c67111c2009a80d3286744you.jpg

[redneck13]

:beer: :banana: :flag: This ain't 1955, even though I'm a male, I disagree with that bunch of B***S****, as I seen my Mother do this for almost her entire life......She did a great job raising us, and doing all that other "CRAP"..... She never had a life for herself, I think it "SUCKED."
This is 2006, and Women don't get the credit they deserve for what "US" so called Men get. It's a different culture, and if a person who is married or shacked up, (treat the same) open your eyes, your Baby, Ol'Lady, Woman, all them degrading names you use when she ain't around you use, she does little things and "US MEN" don't recognize it. I'm for Equality for both. I think this post "SUCKS!!!" It's degrading, and if I was a woman? I'd be tryin' to put something on your A*** you cain't wash off, even if it's suppose to be funny, it ain't. Carry on Maggot

[Phantom Blooper]

Don't Like It ,Don't Read It!

[Wyoming]

Don't Like It ,Don't Read It!

Amen!

Besides, it's 6-8 pages long and started in October of LAST year. So are we just getting around to checking it out?

[Wyoming]

Don't Like It ,Don't Read It!

I hate to say it, but WindinFace reminds me of a lot of, well, whatevers.

<TABLE cellSpacing=5 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD>Ethnicity:
Calk, part Native American/Cherokee/Shawnee/Black/Irish/Danish/Irish </TD></TR><TR><TD>Zodiac Sign:
Cancer </TD></TR><TR><TD>Occupation:
100% Disabled PTSD/AGENT ORANGE</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Really appears to have a bit of attitude problem.

Oh well.

Sempers >>>>

[Phantom Blooper]

Three married ladies get together every week on Thursday for lunch. One Thursday, the topic got around to sex.

Mary, the first lady made the comment, "Whenever I go down on John, I have noticed that his balls are cold!"

Suzy, the second lady, said, "Wow, that is so interesting, Frank, my husband, has cold balls too."

Karen, the third lady, said, "Ewwwwwwwww, that is so disgusting! How can you do that?"

The other two ladies tell her that "going down" on her husband is the surest way to keep him from straying.

The next week, the three ladies get together and Karen is sporting a black eye.

"Karen, what happened to you?" the other two ladies asked.

"Well, I took your advice and went down on Mike. After I finished, all I said was, 'Hmmm, your balls aren't cold like John and Frank's'"

[Ed Palmer]

Just a bump I am trying to get stupid riled up again

[Range Coach]

Troublemaker! LOL:thumbup:

[DobbinsBlythe]

Pfft! Ya know, I see it from both sides. I think that there's something that only a woman can provide in a household, and it's her duty to do so, but it's also the man's responsibility to do those things that a woman cant do... like make sure she feels appreciated. This whole feminist movement (i'm not talking about female rights, I'm talking about females claiming they don't need men, or acting like they don't, or degrading men because they feel like it's their time to shine) got started because a few women ... well a LOT more than a few were completely overlooked by a bunch of idiot men. Luckily, my fiancee treats me with the respect and thankfulness I deserve, and sometimes more than I deserve. If ya want a woman to take care of you and rub your feet and clean and cook, make it to where she CAN do that. Don't expect her to be your husband too. If you appreciate it, get the balls to say so. So yeh.. that's my 2 cents.

[Marine84]

Be ready to go out for dinner. Even though you know that most of the time she'll have dinner ready for you, she may have had a busy day washing your clothes, cleaning your house and carrying your overgrown fetus around all day.

Prepare yourself. Take a few minutes in the bathroom before you leave work to wash the grease off of your hands, comb your hair or do whatever so that you'll be just as fresh looking as she is when you walk in the door. AND, just so you don't track dirt through her clean house - take your dirty stuff off at the door, place your shoes outside the door and throw your dirty stuff in the hamper. She'll love you dearly.

In the cooler months, don't be such a penny pincher with the gas bill. If she builds a fire for you, she's hoping for some romance.

Be happy to see her. Bring her a "prize" every time you come in the door - jewelry, favorite collectable, flowers, cologne. Oh and did I mention jewelry?

Greet her with a warm smile, a prize and every time you're in bed with her, show her that it REALLY is all about her.

Listen to her, you've been gone all day - she's been trying to take care of things in your house and she really does need to let you know that the bathroom floor will fall in soon if you don't let her go ahead and call a plumber to fix the leaky ba$tard. After all, she REALLY doesn't care what happened to you at work today.

Make the evening hers. Don't ever come home late, don't stay out all night, don't go to dinner without her and don't stop off at the local strip joint. Do all of this and enjoy the time you spend with her and you'll get more lovin' than one man can handle.

Arrange a spa day for her. This way you can pay someone to pamper her all day long and you won't have to. Ramone down at The Spa will massage her longer than the 5 minutes that it would take for you to do it and she'll come home to you a much happier woman. Now YOU need a massage because while she was at The Spa, you were at home with the 2 sugar induced crazy kids that she's been hanging out with all day. Have another beer - get over it.

Do not ask questions......................about anything. Remember, she holds the power of the P and she will always exercise her will with fairness (at least to her) and truthfullness (she has no problem telling you why you have to sleep on the couch).

A good husband knows to always buy diamonds!

[Ed Palmer]

[QUOTE=Marine84[Good Husbands Guide 2006 /QUOTE]
Now how long did it take for you to think that up?
And ya know part of that might be true

[Range Coach]

At the risk of being shot, I'm posting something that I heard.

How do you know when it's time to clean the house, wash the dishes and do the laundry?

If you look in your trousers and see a penis, it's not time!

;)

[Marine84]

It took me about 30 minutes after I got off of work last night................

[jennifer]

Oh ya... This one I can say is so very true




Make the evening hers. Don't ever come home late, don't stay out all night, don't go to dinner without her and don't stop off at the local strip joint. Do all of this and enjoy the time you spend with her and you'll get more lovin' than one man can handle.

[mrbsox]

:thumbup:

Nothing else matters if you don't SMACK THEM JAWS, every day !!

Several times a day !!




Give her a little smack in the morning when you get up,
every time you come home
when she comes home
before either of you leave

and sometimes, just for the hell of it :banana:

[Wyoming]

.

Never, NEVER, go to bed angry, in an argument, or ****ed at each other.

You may have to sit up all night and talk it out, but don't go to bed thinking that is the cure all.

.

[Phantom Blooper]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his ax had fallen into the water and he needed the ax to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No"

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax
"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No"

The Lord went down again and came up with an ax of iron

"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes"

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep and the woodcutter went home happy.

Sometime later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked

"Yes" cried the woodcutter

The Lord was furious. "You lied" That is an untruth.

The woodcutter replied, "Oh forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. Then if I also said "No" to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said, "Yes" You would have given me all three. Lord, I'm a poor man and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said Yes to Jennifer Lopez

the moral of this story is, Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others.

That's our story and we're sticking to it. :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

She told me we couldn't affordbeer and I'd have to quit. :beer: Then I caught her spending$65.00 on make-up. <O:p

And I asked how come I had togive up stuff and not her.She said she neededthe make-upto look pretty for me.

I told her that waswhat the beer was for.I don't think she's coming back. <O:p

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