cadetat6
04-07-05, 06:46 PM
W.C. Field's . 04-05-05
Below are a few of his better ones:
1."My illness is due to my Doctors' insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies."
2. "I scrupulously avoid water. It rusts pipes, and fish make love in it."(I cleaned that up a bit)
3." Once in the wilds of Afganistan,I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days."
4. "If at first you don't succeed, try,try ,and try again. Then give up.There's no use being a damn fool about it."
5 "Dentists,lawyers,and doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards."
6. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice abiut a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they are a bunch of liars.
Casey Stengel
Casey spoke his own language, called Stengelese.
I overheard him say one day:'NOW,TY COBB WHO IS DEAD AT THE PRESENT TIME..."
Or I think I heard him say that. If you were drinking near Casey there did seem to be a certain logic to what he said, until you tried to re-assemble it later on.
Ziggy,the bartender told me that he heard him say:'THERE COMES A TIME IN EVERYONE'S LIFE...AND I'VE HAD PLENTY OF THEM."...and "THEY SAY YOU CAN'T DO IT,BUT SOMETIMES THAT ISN'T ALWAYS TRUE.'
..."MOST GUYS MY AGE ARE DEAD."
"DO YA KNOW WHAT THEM LINES ARE FOR? (pointing to the foul lines) THEY ARE THERE TO HIT THE BALL ON.. AND THOSE OTHER BALL PAYERS ARE ALL OUT IN THE MIDDLE."
Below are a few of his better ones:
1."My illness is due to my Doctors' insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies."
2. "I scrupulously avoid water. It rusts pipes, and fish make love in it."(I cleaned that up a bit)
3." Once in the wilds of Afganistan,I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days."
4. "If at first you don't succeed, try,try ,and try again. Then give up.There's no use being a damn fool about it."
5 "Dentists,lawyers,and doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards."
6. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice abiut a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they are a bunch of liars.
Casey Stengel
Casey spoke his own language, called Stengelese.
I overheard him say one day:'NOW,TY COBB WHO IS DEAD AT THE PRESENT TIME..."
Or I think I heard him say that. If you were drinking near Casey there did seem to be a certain logic to what he said, until you tried to re-assemble it later on.
Ziggy,the bartender told me that he heard him say:'THERE COMES A TIME IN EVERYONE'S LIFE...AND I'VE HAD PLENTY OF THEM."...and "THEY SAY YOU CAN'T DO IT,BUT SOMETIMES THAT ISN'T ALWAYS TRUE.'
..."MOST GUYS MY AGE ARE DEAD."
"DO YA KNOW WHAT THEM LINES ARE FOR? (pointing to the foul lines) THEY ARE THERE TO HIT THE BALL ON.. AND THOSE OTHER BALL PAYERS ARE ALL OUT IN THE MIDDLE."