Sgt Sostand
04-06-05, 02:41 PM
Dear Gene-Thomas,
My wife is on active duty and deployed overseas. Whenever she deploys, even though she says she loves and misses me and our children, she always seems to end up cheating on me. She was raised in a home in which her mother never left an unfaithful husband. I don't know if I can continue to tolerate this behavior. What should I do?
Hurt and Confused
Dear Hurt and Confused,
Some people who grow up in homes where their parents are abusive can tend to be abusive in their own married relationships. However, such abuse cannot be justified based upon the argument of learned behavior. Likewise, if one was raised in a home in which a parent's infidelity was tolerated, that life experience cannot be used to justify one's own infidelity.
In his book, The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm points out that in an effort to overcome loneliness, instead of working at developing deep loving relationships, we sometimes escape by abusing alcohol, drugs or sex. Because of our strict DOD drug policy, military personnel more frequently will attempt to escape from loneliness, particularly during periods of separation from family and friends, with alcohol or sex.
What might cause some people like your wife to escape through sex? There are a number of factors. You have already identified one reason (i.e., her learned behavior). Had your wife's mother left her husband the first time he cheated on her, and raised your wife as a single parent, she might have a very different attitude toward infidelity. If your wife does not cease this behavior, what impact might it have upon your children's ideas about love and sexuality?
In addition to family backgrounds, there are also cultural factors that enter into play. Some cultures tolerate certain behavior more than other's. For example, when I lived in Sicily, it was not uncommon for me to discover that someone had gone through my car at night in an attempt to steal gas coupons or other valuables. However, living off-base in a Japanese neighborhood, I could leave my laptop computer in my car with the windows open and never worry about it being stolen. What happens to the hands of people who steal in Arab countries?
Given the fact that we as Americans come from a variety of backgrounds (European, Asian, Middle Eastern, etc.), responses to infidelity (like responses to theft) will vary. I was on active duty only one month when an incident took place in which a man killed a fellow serviceman who was sexually involved with his wife. Such incidences influenced members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff a few years back not to accept recommendations to reduce UCMJ penalties associated with adultery.
Because your wife is subject to the Uniformed Code of Military Justice, she can be disciplined under Article 134 and possibly face being separated from active duty, not to mention possibly losing custody of your children if you were to file for divorce on the grounds of adultery.
Having sex outside of marriage can have serious legal ramifications, as well as impact one's health, and the health of one's spouse. Visiting a shipmate dying of AIDS contracted while on a deployment makes a very lasting impression.
Just as a person needs professional help to arrest cancer, so too do most couples need to meet with a counselor in order to arrest infidelity, particularly when it has occurred more than once with different individuals. What are the chances of saving the marriage and rekindling a deep loving relationship? The potential for reconciliation is greater in cases where the unfaithful spouse's involvement was more physical than emotional.
I cannot recommend more strongly that you get professional help as well as look into programs like Retrouvaille designed for couples with serious marital problems. Before discussing your problem with anyone inside or outside of the military, be sure that both you and the chaplain or counselor understand how your particular branch of the military defines "privileged and confidential communications." In meeting with civilian counselors, recognize too that mandatory reporting requirements in relation to what constitutes "criminal" behavior varies from state to state. If one or both of you are hesitant to meet with a military chaplain or counselor, you can also contact Military OneSource at 800-342-9647 to arrange for up to six free counseling sessions offered by civilian professionals. While your wife is currently deployed, you yourself may benefit from such counseling as you discern how to proceed based in part on your wife's willingness to accept help in adhering in marriage to the Marine Corps motto, "Semper Fidelis."
:marine:
My wife is on active duty and deployed overseas. Whenever she deploys, even though she says she loves and misses me and our children, she always seems to end up cheating on me. She was raised in a home in which her mother never left an unfaithful husband. I don't know if I can continue to tolerate this behavior. What should I do?
Hurt and Confused
Dear Hurt and Confused,
Some people who grow up in homes where their parents are abusive can tend to be abusive in their own married relationships. However, such abuse cannot be justified based upon the argument of learned behavior. Likewise, if one was raised in a home in which a parent's infidelity was tolerated, that life experience cannot be used to justify one's own infidelity.
In his book, The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm points out that in an effort to overcome loneliness, instead of working at developing deep loving relationships, we sometimes escape by abusing alcohol, drugs or sex. Because of our strict DOD drug policy, military personnel more frequently will attempt to escape from loneliness, particularly during periods of separation from family and friends, with alcohol or sex.
What might cause some people like your wife to escape through sex? There are a number of factors. You have already identified one reason (i.e., her learned behavior). Had your wife's mother left her husband the first time he cheated on her, and raised your wife as a single parent, she might have a very different attitude toward infidelity. If your wife does not cease this behavior, what impact might it have upon your children's ideas about love and sexuality?
In addition to family backgrounds, there are also cultural factors that enter into play. Some cultures tolerate certain behavior more than other's. For example, when I lived in Sicily, it was not uncommon for me to discover that someone had gone through my car at night in an attempt to steal gas coupons or other valuables. However, living off-base in a Japanese neighborhood, I could leave my laptop computer in my car with the windows open and never worry about it being stolen. What happens to the hands of people who steal in Arab countries?
Given the fact that we as Americans come from a variety of backgrounds (European, Asian, Middle Eastern, etc.), responses to infidelity (like responses to theft) will vary. I was on active duty only one month when an incident took place in which a man killed a fellow serviceman who was sexually involved with his wife. Such incidences influenced members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff a few years back not to accept recommendations to reduce UCMJ penalties associated with adultery.
Because your wife is subject to the Uniformed Code of Military Justice, she can be disciplined under Article 134 and possibly face being separated from active duty, not to mention possibly losing custody of your children if you were to file for divorce on the grounds of adultery.
Having sex outside of marriage can have serious legal ramifications, as well as impact one's health, and the health of one's spouse. Visiting a shipmate dying of AIDS contracted while on a deployment makes a very lasting impression.
Just as a person needs professional help to arrest cancer, so too do most couples need to meet with a counselor in order to arrest infidelity, particularly when it has occurred more than once with different individuals. What are the chances of saving the marriage and rekindling a deep loving relationship? The potential for reconciliation is greater in cases where the unfaithful spouse's involvement was more physical than emotional.
I cannot recommend more strongly that you get professional help as well as look into programs like Retrouvaille designed for couples with serious marital problems. Before discussing your problem with anyone inside or outside of the military, be sure that both you and the chaplain or counselor understand how your particular branch of the military defines "privileged and confidential communications." In meeting with civilian counselors, recognize too that mandatory reporting requirements in relation to what constitutes "criminal" behavior varies from state to state. If one or both of you are hesitant to meet with a military chaplain or counselor, you can also contact Military OneSource at 800-342-9647 to arrange for up to six free counseling sessions offered by civilian professionals. While your wife is currently deployed, you yourself may benefit from such counseling as you discern how to proceed based in part on your wife's willingness to accept help in adhering in marriage to the Marine Corps motto, "Semper Fidelis."
:marine: