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thedrifter
03-02-05, 06:44 AM
March….Are We There Yet?

March 2, 2005


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by Kimberly Miles

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Okay, is everyone ready for February to end?

If you’re like most, you answered with a resounding yes.

Poor February. Despite being the shortest month of the year, it is universally the most despised. Not that January is all that fun, but we’re still feeling the buzz of holiday Tryptophane and chocolate to notice. March isn’t exactly a barrel of laughs, either, but at least it promises flowers, bunnies and NCAA playoffs.

Boasting of more holidays than any other month of the year, February does try to entertain us with not one, not two, but five special occasions. Somehow, it’s not enough.

It begins when a bunch of adults dress in funny outfits and wait for a prognosticating marmot to emerge. Not to be confused with the State of the Union Address, Groundhog’s Day is when Punxatawny Phil comes out and looks for his shadow. Rumor has it that if he sees it we will have 6 more weeks of winter. Conversely, if he does not see it we will have six more weeks of winter. Either way, winter will end on March 20…you guessed it, six weeks later. The calendar folks seem to have this one down, so can’t we put this visionary vermin to work on something more productive, like finding Osama?

Next off is Mardi Gras, literally translated as “Fat Tuesday”. The purpose of this holiday is to eat, drink and be merry before the solemn season of lent begins and fun as you know it ends.

The problem is that it often stretches into “Busting Out of Your Jeans” Wednesday, and before you know it, “There’s Something Really Wrong With This Scale” Saturday is here. There’s really no point in starting a diet (or lent, for that matter) on the weekend, so you have to wait until “What The Hell, Give Me Another Fasnacht” Monday rolls around. By then you’ve already broken lent so you are forced to give up something you haven’t yet eaten, like patio furniture.

Coveted by some, loathed by many, Valentine’s Day comes next to provide us with the perfect opportunity to ruin a good relationship. Many people think Valentine’s Day is to honor the renegade patron saint of lovers who allowed couples to marry after the Emperor forbade marriage to prepare his soldiers for battle. But that is silly because we all know that the best way to prepare for battle is to get married.

No, Valentine’s Day was created by women to test men’s love for us. But no matter what they do, many men find that it never adds up to what her best friend’s sister’s roommate’s boyfriend did. To save their relationships, many healthy couples have given up Valentine’s Day for lent, leaving the field wide open for patio furniture which, after all, is a lot more palatable.

Then comes the granddaddy of all February holidays, President’s Day. If you are neither a President nor a government employee, this day means nothing to you, other than to note how public services will screech to a halt around you.

This is when we give it up for our two greatest presidents, George and Abe. George W., that is. I mean, George Washington. Both were born in February. Both were really important to the creation of democracy and are credited with giving our country freedom and power. But that’s not important.

The real reason for President’s Day is to shop.

After all, celebrating the birth of our founding fathers and purchasing discounted bath towels goes hand in hand, wouldn’t you agree? Then again, most of us have to work that day so we’ll just keep the country running while government gets all the blue light specials.

This year we were treated to a February festival of beer, wings and commercials, with occasional football thrown in. The Super Bowl did provide some mid-winter revelry for many, except a few Eagles fans. Even if all we celebrated was the fact that no boobs were exposed. Well, except a few Eagles fans.

The good news is that March is here and the weather will soon clear. I’d go out and enjoy it only I broke lent and have nothing left to sit on.

Kimberly Miles

Ellie