yellowwing
08-10-04, 08:45 AM
August 10, 2004
Associated Press (http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=694&ncid=696&e=6&u=/ap/20040810/ap_on_el_pr/campaign_comedians)
Comedian commentary on the campaign:
"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno":
"This past weekend, President Bush was in Maine for the wedding of his nephew, Jeb's son, George P. Boy, it sounds like an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard,' doesn't it? 'Yeah, Jeb's boy, George P. got hitched.' In fact, when they wheeled out the wedding cake, three oil company executives jumped out. Prince Bandar was best man."
"Over the weekend, President Bush — who got into Yale after his father and grandfather went there — talked about the evils of alumni getting preferential treatment. He said he had to knock on a lot of doors to be successful. This is the kind of thing that drives the Kerry people nuts. While President Bush inherited his money, Kerry earned his the old fashioned way: He married it!"
"For the first time, John Kerry has criticized President Bush's reaction on 9/11. John Kerry said if he were reading to children at that moment, he would have told them he had something important to attend to. Let me tell you something — if John Kerry was reading to children, first he would have to wake them up. 'Kids, I gotta go now. Kids?! Kids?!'"
"This past weekend, Kerry met with leaders of the Navajo Indian tribe. He's been traveling by train across the country. He's traveling by train, he's meeting with Indians ... what is this 1882? What is he going to try and get a treaty so they don't tear down our telegraph poles?"
"At a meeting of thousands of minority journalists, John Kerry was asked if he would have gone to war if Saddam had refused to disarm and he said, and this is an exact quote, 'You bet we might have!'"
"First Lady Laura Bush said that people shouldn't be saying that the benefits from stem cell research are 'right around the corner' because it gives people false hope. Then later her husband said that the economic recovery is 'right around the corner.'"
"In a huge upset, Ralph Nader has failed to gather enough signatures to get on the ballot in California. How embarrassing is that for Nader? You can't get on the ballot in California? Remember our governor's race? Imagine finding out you're not up to the legal qualifications of porn star Mary Carey or Gary Coleman."
___
"Real Time with Bill Maher":
"They've been having a lot of trouble over at Illinois finding a Republican candidate to go up against Barack Obama there. People love that guy. Well, they think they've finally found one. He is our old friend, Alan Keyes, the African American firebrand conservative preacher. The only problem is, Keyes lives in Maryland. It's starting to look bad for Republicans. First, they couldn't find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan, then they couldn't find weapons in Iraq. Now they can't find a black person in Chicago!"
Associated Press (http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=694&ncid=696&e=6&u=/ap/20040810/ap_on_el_pr/campaign_comedians)
Comedian commentary on the campaign:
"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno":
"This past weekend, President Bush was in Maine for the wedding of his nephew, Jeb's son, George P. Boy, it sounds like an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard,' doesn't it? 'Yeah, Jeb's boy, George P. got hitched.' In fact, when they wheeled out the wedding cake, three oil company executives jumped out. Prince Bandar was best man."
"Over the weekend, President Bush — who got into Yale after his father and grandfather went there — talked about the evils of alumni getting preferential treatment. He said he had to knock on a lot of doors to be successful. This is the kind of thing that drives the Kerry people nuts. While President Bush inherited his money, Kerry earned his the old fashioned way: He married it!"
"For the first time, John Kerry has criticized President Bush's reaction on 9/11. John Kerry said if he were reading to children at that moment, he would have told them he had something important to attend to. Let me tell you something — if John Kerry was reading to children, first he would have to wake them up. 'Kids, I gotta go now. Kids?! Kids?!'"
"This past weekend, Kerry met with leaders of the Navajo Indian tribe. He's been traveling by train across the country. He's traveling by train, he's meeting with Indians ... what is this 1882? What is he going to try and get a treaty so they don't tear down our telegraph poles?"
"At a meeting of thousands of minority journalists, John Kerry was asked if he would have gone to war if Saddam had refused to disarm and he said, and this is an exact quote, 'You bet we might have!'"
"First Lady Laura Bush said that people shouldn't be saying that the benefits from stem cell research are 'right around the corner' because it gives people false hope. Then later her husband said that the economic recovery is 'right around the corner.'"
"In a huge upset, Ralph Nader has failed to gather enough signatures to get on the ballot in California. How embarrassing is that for Nader? You can't get on the ballot in California? Remember our governor's race? Imagine finding out you're not up to the legal qualifications of porn star Mary Carey or Gary Coleman."
___
"Real Time with Bill Maher":
"They've been having a lot of trouble over at Illinois finding a Republican candidate to go up against Barack Obama there. People love that guy. Well, they think they've finally found one. He is our old friend, Alan Keyes, the African American firebrand conservative preacher. The only problem is, Keyes lives in Maryland. It's starting to look bad for Republicans. First, they couldn't find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan, then they couldn't find weapons in Iraq. Now they can't find a black person in Chicago!"