thedrifter
07-19-04, 08:59 AM
Issue Date: July 19, 2004
How to be a he-man: a user’s guide
By C. Mark Brinkley
Times staff writer
Finally, an antidote for “Will & Grace.” “The Badass Bible: An Essential Guide for Men” is the best $11 you’ll spend all week, not counting the two-drink minimum at your favorite watering hole. A book for guys who don’t read books, it’s 175 pages of general instruction on becoming the roughest, toughest badass on the block.
From the Ten Badass Commandments (“No. 8 — Thou Shalt Never Remove or Alter a Tattoo: You made your mistake. Now live with it”) to step-by-step instructions for the most basic of skills (such as ordering a drink or fighting off a rabid wolf), the book outlines all the life lessons your mom wouldn’t let Uncle Billy share with you in his letters from prison.
Read it for an hour, and you’ll understand the basics of badass fashion, demeanor and style. Read it for a week, and you’ll begin sobbing at the realization of what a girlie man you grew up to be.
This probably goes without saying, but “The Badass Bible” is not for the faint of heart. If you can’t bear to part with your duvet cover and banana daiquiris, you aren’t ready for such an intervention. Start off slow — rent “Fight Club,” smoke a Newport.
When you’re ready, turn off HGTV and learn how to survive a motorcycle crash and where to put your hands during a lap dance. Take the “Trial By Fire Final Exam” at the end of the book to see how far you’ve come.
And when you get to the section on “Badass Gigs,” notice that “entertainment writer for military newspaper” wasn’t listed alongside such badass career paths as bounty hunter and smoke jumper.
Some things are just too far out of reach.
The Badass Bible: An Essential Guide for Men by S.K. Smith. Hatherleigh Press. $10.95.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Try, try again
There’s badass, then there’s wannabe. Here’s a short list of guys who try too hard, so you can learn to spot the difference:
•Johnny Fairplay. “Survivor” bad boy turns pro wrestler? Please. We’re still surprised he made it out of the Pearl Islands without Rupert giving him a beat-down.
•He-Man. He has to keep his “true” identity secret. Locked in the closet, perhaps? And that hair. Wow. Siegfried and Roy called, and they want their tiger back.
•The Riddler. Riddle us this, DC Comics: How did you talk “Queer Eye” out of this guy? You people belong in Arkham Asylum for wasting Batman’s time with Curious George.
•Captain Hook. C’mon. The guy’s archrival was a little boy. There’s a word for guys like that, and it ain’t badass.
•Hulk Hogan. Yeah, we said it. Badass is timeless, like Marlon Brando in “A Streetcar Named Desire.” But there’s nothing timeless about “Wrestlemania I,” is there?
•Agent Smith. Fifty thousand of this guy couldn’t beat up the stoner from “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” Poseur. The Sasser virus this guy wasn’t.
— C. Mark Brinkley
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The baddest of them all
We can learn to be badasses but few of us can touch these guys. Here are our picks for the Badass Hall of Fame:
•Dirty Harry. He’s a deadeye with a .44 Magnum — and he’s well-spoken, too. He inspired a generation of Americans to end their conversations with “Do you feel lucky, punk?”
•Kyle Reese. Think the guy who took on the Terminator isn’t a badass? You try traveling through time naked, pal.
•Josey Wales. This outlaw shows the U.S. government what one badass, two pistols and a nasty mood can do when motivated.
•Batman. The Dark Knight reigns supreme when it comes to meting out rough justice to scumbags on the street.
•Field Marshal Erwin Rommel. He survived the British and the Americans, a strafing attack and the Normandy invasion — and he kicked butt along the way.
•Samson. He single-handedly killed a lion and 10,000 men with the jawbone of an ass. And even after running afoul of Delilah, he didn’t let blindness and a bad haircut get him down — he pulled down a building.
•Father Merrin and Father Karras from “The Exorcist.” Anyone who takes on Ol’ Scratch himself automatically qualifies as badass.
•Lt. John Dunbar. He almost loses a leg in the Civil War, holds down the fort by himself, befriends the Sioux, fights battles and marries Stands With a Fist. What more do you want?
•Indiana Jones. He may hate snakes, but he also hates Nazis — and he knows how to use a bullwhip and find the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail. He could probably find Jimmy Hoffa.
•Ronnie Lott. A safety for the San Francisco 49ers, now in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, he never met a man he didn’t want to hit like a freight train. He hammered wussy wide receivers so hard they had to catch their own heads instead of the ball.
— Phillip Thompson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A look back at badness
There are days that will live forever in badass infamy, days when the secret world of men was rocked to the core with visions of the impossible. These are moments in history when the bar for manliness was raised to a level so unreachable that simply recalling them brings tears.
These aren’t your garden-variety “Miss America Poses Nude” moments here, friends. We’re talking about renting “Faces of Death,” mastering the “Contra” code, those kinds of life-changers.
continued..........
How to be a he-man: a user’s guide
By C. Mark Brinkley
Times staff writer
Finally, an antidote for “Will & Grace.” “The Badass Bible: An Essential Guide for Men” is the best $11 you’ll spend all week, not counting the two-drink minimum at your favorite watering hole. A book for guys who don’t read books, it’s 175 pages of general instruction on becoming the roughest, toughest badass on the block.
From the Ten Badass Commandments (“No. 8 — Thou Shalt Never Remove or Alter a Tattoo: You made your mistake. Now live with it”) to step-by-step instructions for the most basic of skills (such as ordering a drink or fighting off a rabid wolf), the book outlines all the life lessons your mom wouldn’t let Uncle Billy share with you in his letters from prison.
Read it for an hour, and you’ll understand the basics of badass fashion, demeanor and style. Read it for a week, and you’ll begin sobbing at the realization of what a girlie man you grew up to be.
This probably goes without saying, but “The Badass Bible” is not for the faint of heart. If you can’t bear to part with your duvet cover and banana daiquiris, you aren’t ready for such an intervention. Start off slow — rent “Fight Club,” smoke a Newport.
When you’re ready, turn off HGTV and learn how to survive a motorcycle crash and where to put your hands during a lap dance. Take the “Trial By Fire Final Exam” at the end of the book to see how far you’ve come.
And when you get to the section on “Badass Gigs,” notice that “entertainment writer for military newspaper” wasn’t listed alongside such badass career paths as bounty hunter and smoke jumper.
Some things are just too far out of reach.
The Badass Bible: An Essential Guide for Men by S.K. Smith. Hatherleigh Press. $10.95.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Try, try again
There’s badass, then there’s wannabe. Here’s a short list of guys who try too hard, so you can learn to spot the difference:
•Johnny Fairplay. “Survivor” bad boy turns pro wrestler? Please. We’re still surprised he made it out of the Pearl Islands without Rupert giving him a beat-down.
•He-Man. He has to keep his “true” identity secret. Locked in the closet, perhaps? And that hair. Wow. Siegfried and Roy called, and they want their tiger back.
•The Riddler. Riddle us this, DC Comics: How did you talk “Queer Eye” out of this guy? You people belong in Arkham Asylum for wasting Batman’s time with Curious George.
•Captain Hook. C’mon. The guy’s archrival was a little boy. There’s a word for guys like that, and it ain’t badass.
•Hulk Hogan. Yeah, we said it. Badass is timeless, like Marlon Brando in “A Streetcar Named Desire.” But there’s nothing timeless about “Wrestlemania I,” is there?
•Agent Smith. Fifty thousand of this guy couldn’t beat up the stoner from “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” Poseur. The Sasser virus this guy wasn’t.
— C. Mark Brinkley
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The baddest of them all
We can learn to be badasses but few of us can touch these guys. Here are our picks for the Badass Hall of Fame:
•Dirty Harry. He’s a deadeye with a .44 Magnum — and he’s well-spoken, too. He inspired a generation of Americans to end their conversations with “Do you feel lucky, punk?”
•Kyle Reese. Think the guy who took on the Terminator isn’t a badass? You try traveling through time naked, pal.
•Josey Wales. This outlaw shows the U.S. government what one badass, two pistols and a nasty mood can do when motivated.
•Batman. The Dark Knight reigns supreme when it comes to meting out rough justice to scumbags on the street.
•Field Marshal Erwin Rommel. He survived the British and the Americans, a strafing attack and the Normandy invasion — and he kicked butt along the way.
•Samson. He single-handedly killed a lion and 10,000 men with the jawbone of an ass. And even after running afoul of Delilah, he didn’t let blindness and a bad haircut get him down — he pulled down a building.
•Father Merrin and Father Karras from “The Exorcist.” Anyone who takes on Ol’ Scratch himself automatically qualifies as badass.
•Lt. John Dunbar. He almost loses a leg in the Civil War, holds down the fort by himself, befriends the Sioux, fights battles and marries Stands With a Fist. What more do you want?
•Indiana Jones. He may hate snakes, but he also hates Nazis — and he knows how to use a bullwhip and find the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail. He could probably find Jimmy Hoffa.
•Ronnie Lott. A safety for the San Francisco 49ers, now in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, he never met a man he didn’t want to hit like a freight train. He hammered wussy wide receivers so hard they had to catch their own heads instead of the ball.
— Phillip Thompson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A look back at badness
There are days that will live forever in badass infamy, days when the secret world of men was rocked to the core with visions of the impossible. These are moments in history when the bar for manliness was raised to a level so unreachable that simply recalling them brings tears.
These aren’t your garden-variety “Miss America Poses Nude” moments here, friends. We’re talking about renting “Faces of Death,” mastering the “Contra” code, those kinds of life-changers.
continued..........