Marine Jokes

[Lake0300]

I wanna hear'em all.. anything that has to do with MARINES. No discrimination or racial bigatry (sp). I'll start it off with a joke that was passed on to me from a friend earlier this morning. -Lake

=====================================
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying,"Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."
=====================================

[pfcgreene]

Great joke,
Got anymore?

[Echo_Four_Bravo]

A Marine and a Sailor find them self next to each other in the rest room at a bar in San Diego. When they finish their "businss" the Sailor heads toward the sink to wash his hands, and the Marine walks to the door. The sailor says "Hey Marine, what's wrong with you? In boot camp they taught us to wash our hands when we went to the bathroom."
The Marine replied "That's funny, they taught us not to pee on our hands."

[Seeley]

At the end of the night a Marine leaves a bar, barley able to walk.

Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face, then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.

He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "Not as tough as a Marine, are you Batman?"

[Seeley]

As a group of Marines stood in formation at a Marine Corps Base, the Drill Instructor said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one recruit remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The recruit smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

[Seeley]

Hehehe...

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on U.S. military recreation preferences:

Sport of choice for Marines: bowling.
Sport of choice for Sailors: football.
Sport of choice for Soldiers: baseball.
Sport of choice for Coast Guardsmen: tennis.
Sport of choice for Airmen: golf.
Notice how the farther down the list you go, the smaller their balls get.

[dep_baumy]

One time there was a 2nd grade student who had just got an assignment to write a story, the story needed a good moral behind it so he thought about it for a while. Then he asked his Marine uncle Jim who was in Vietnam for help. So the next day he gets up to read his story and says "my story is about uncle jim,a Marine, he was in Vietnam and his helicopter was going down fast, all he had on him was a knife, his M-16, and a bottle of whiskey. So he quick drank all the whiskey and parachuted out. When he landed he found himself surrounded by 100 enemys, he killed 60 with his weapn, dropped another 25 with his knife, broke the wiskey bottle and killed 3, then strangled the rest with his bare hands." The teacher was horrified and said "good lord that was violent, there has to be a moral behind that story, isnt there?" the student replied "yes there is, dont f*ck with uncle jim when hes been drinking"

[dep_baumy]

Two widows, are talking at the Bowling Alley.

Martha says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.

I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. Dressed up like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a beautiful car. . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!!! Completely crazy. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! He's a retired Marine!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?

Edna: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[dep_baumy]

Lol, this ones a must read.....




News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"

[dep_baumy]

A Taliban Army Platoon was on patrol when the
commander noticed a lone Marine standing on a hilltop
above their location. The commander told two of his
soldiers to go take out the Marine, so they dropped
their packs and promptly ran as fast as they could
toward the Marine. Just before they got to the
top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill.
The two soldiers followed.

For the next few moments there were bloody screams
and dust flying in the air. Then as quickly as it had
started, it stopped and the Marine appeared back on
the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened
his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking
down at the Taliban soldiers.

The infuriated commander called for a squad to go
get the Marine. They promptly ran as fast as they
could toward him. Just before they got to the
top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill.
The squad followed, and for the next few minutes there
were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. When
it stopped, the Marine again returned to the hilltop.
He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover,
crossed his arms and stood there looking down at the
remaining Taliban soldiers.

The commander was really hot now. He ordered the
rest of his platoon to attack the Marine. Determined
that Taliban soldiers were far superior to one
lone Marine, they had blood in their eyes as they
ran up the hill. Just before they got to the top, the
Marine ran over the other side of the hill.
The blood-thirsty soldiers followed. For many
minutes there were horrific screams and clouds of dust
flying in the air. It continued and continued.

When it finally stopped, one lone soldier came
crawling back to the commander, all bloody and beat
about the head and shoulders. His uniform was
torn, cuts were all over his body. The commander
demanded a report. The lone soldier, trying to catch
his breath, replied in a forceful yet trembling
voice, "Sir, run... it was a trick. There are TWO
of them!!"

[dep_baumy]

Sorry to be such a post wh*re, but I've got 100's of Marine jokes, let me know if I should post more.

[Lake0300]

Heres one I'll probably get my balls busted for by Drifter. But its just one I gotta share...

How does a Marine make his d1ck 12 inches long??

Folds it in half. :)

[usmchauer]

seeley, your first joke had me ROTFL

[dep_baumy]

The Marine General went to the doctor for his annual physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.

[MillRatUSMC]

You want Marine Humor?
http://www.geocities.com/millrat_99/Marinehumor.html
There several on this page.
Might need to upgrade it with more Marine humor...

Semper Fidelis
Ricardo

[jryanjack]

A Marine is on liberty in San Deigo and walks into a bar to have a drink. Sitting at the bar he sees the biggest sailor he's ever seen before, this sailor also has the smallest head that the Marine has seen on anyone, its way out of proportion to the rest of his body.

After finishing his drink, the Marine walks up to the sailor and inquires about the size of his head, even the Navy has standards!

The sailor replies stating that he was on a deployment in the South Pacific and had just finished dropping of a load of Marines on the beach and was returning to his ship when he heard a woman screaming for help. So the sailor went off in the direction of the screams and came accross this beautiful woman trapped against the rocks being pounded by the surf. The sailor jumps into the water and saves the woman. Once they are clear the woman tells the sailor "Thank you for saving me, I am a mermaid and for saving me I will grant you three wishes." The sailor, not being that guilable, swims under the water to confirm that she is a mermaid, and sure enough, where legs are supposed to be there are fins! So the sailor says, "for my first wish I would like a $1,000,000;" to which the mermaid replies "If I gave it to you now you'd surely drown, so the money is waiting for you on your ship. For the second wish the sailor asks for 1 ton of gold, to which the mermaid replies "if I gave it to you now you'd surely drown, so its waiting for you on your ship." The sailor then thinks long and hard about his third wish. Its been a long deployment and the mermaid is very beautiful, however, he can't do anything with her as she in a fish from the waist down. So the sailor says "for my third wish, I was thinking about a little head."

[usmc4669]

Echo_Four_Bravo
Good joke, I heard it back in 46.

[usmc4669]

Seeley
Sick, sick, sick.

[usmc4669]

Seeley
Another sick, sick, sick

[G.L.B.]

Hey Lake_0300
that first one was not a joke. Although very funny....it really happened. Just thought you should know

[sleeper]

Why does a Marine have one more brain cell then a horse?


So he doesn't **** during the parade.

[tferg78]

A British Royal Marine I was training with told me this,
MARINE stands for:

Muscles
Are
Required
Intelligence
Not
Essential

[dep_baumy]

M y
A $$
R ides
I n
N avy
E quipment

[Seeley]

Uncle
Sam's
Misguided
Children

(My old metal shop teacher who was retired navy told me that one.)

[Poolee08/09]

A sailer walks into a bar and sits down next to 3 men at the bar. He turns to the men and says "Would you like to hear a Marine joke?" the first man says, "Well, before you tell that joke let me tell you somehting, I'm 6 foot, 195 lbs and a Marine, the man next to me is 6'2" 210 lbs and a Marine and the man next to him is 6'7" 285 and a Marine. Wouls you still like to tell that joke?" The sailer thinks a bit then says "Nah, I don't feel like explaining it three times!"

[tomwhitt1]

How many Marines does it take to change a light bulb?



Just One Good Marine because we know the World is ours and it revolves around us.

[lprkn]

#5 A Private First Class saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."

#4 A Sergant saying, "Trust me, sir..."

#3 A 2nd Lieutenant saying. "Based on my experience..."

#2 A 1st Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."

#1 A Gunny chuckling, "Watch this ****..."

[lprkn]

In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:
HAIRCUTS:
Marines-heads will be shaved.
Army-flat-tops for all recruits.
Navy-no haircut standard.
Air Force-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

TRAINING HOURS:
Marines-rise at 0500, train until 2000.
Army-rise at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600.
Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.

MEALS:
Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army-one hot meal, 2 MREs.
Navy-3 hot meals.
Air Force-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.

LEAVE and LIBERTY:
Marines-none.
Army-4 hours a week.
Navy-2 days a week.
Air Force-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

PROTOCOL:
Marines-will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. SGT Smith).
Army-will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge."
Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.
Air Force-all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.

DECORATIONS/AWARDS:
Marines-medals & badges are awarded for acts of gallantry & bravery.
Army-medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
Navy-will have ships' engineers make medals for them as needed.
Air Force-will be issued all medals as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.

CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:
Marines-work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
Army-will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship.
Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to your sailors.
Air Force-will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and gray service chevrons and name tapes on them. They will also get newly designed and personally tailored uniforms to replace the airline pilot coats they have now.

CAREER FIELDS:
Marines-all Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Army-doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.
Navy-nobody knows. Navy still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.
Air Force-every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the Air Force early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

[CPLRapoza]

Whats the only way to kill a Marine? Throw sand against a wall, and tell him to hit the beach.

[marinemom]

Dan Rather and Cokie Roberts are touring Iraq with a Marine guard when they are ambushed and captured by guerillas.

When they get to the camp, the leader tells them they will be killed, but have one last request.

Rather says "I am a Texan and would like a last bowl of chili." The Iraqis find the chili and give it to him. And Dan says "Now I can die happy."

Cokie Roberts is asked what she wants as her last request and replies "I would like a tape recorder and do an last interview with your leader so the world will know I did my job to the last". They give her the recorder, she does the interview and says "Now I can die happy."

The leader then asks the Marine guard what his last wish is and he replies "Kick me in the ass" - and the leader goes ballistic, thinking the Marine is mocking them.

The Marine repeats his request, and the leader tells one of his men to kick him in the ass.

The Iraqi kicks the Marine, who falls forward, rolls over and pulls a 9mm out of his cammies, shoots the Iraqis nearest to him, jumps up and runs for the Humvee, pulls out a rifle and kills the rest of the guerillas.

Rather says to the Marine "My God man, why didn't you do that when they captured us?"

The Marine replies "And have you F@@@ing liberals tell the world I was the agressor?"

[usmc4669]

Cpl Johnson just got back from fighting his way back from the Frozen Chosen; he was cold, tired and hungry. As he approached the assembly area a 4 Star Air Force Gen. came up to him and ask, Marines how was it up there? Cpl Johnson snaps to attention and replied, a piece of cake Sir.

Rate this Joke:

HAHAHAHA
HAHAHA
HAHA
HA
Chuckle
Smile
Grin
Sour grapes

[Lake0300]

HAHAHA

[usmc4669]

Dickie Do you Did Damn Good:

When I first met my Honey Bee, I ask her to marry me,
She said you look lean and mean, I just love the color green.
Then she said I surely will, if you promise to pay the bills.
We got married on a Saturday night, then went to the VFW to watch the fights.
We talked about having a son, in sixteen months we had one.
In those days there wasn't much to do, so we plan to have number two.
In thirteen months almost to the day, number two was on her way.
Then she said that it was up to me, for us to plan for number three.
I said OK three alright, but you know that our money is tight.
The phone rang just like before, the Dr. said number three, no wait here come number four.
Washing diapers and hanging them by hand, this was no job for a Marine Corps man.
Then I was sent to Japan, where I found this Dr. Man.
I told him what I wanted to do, he said don't worry I can fix Dickie Do for you.
Dickie Do has filled my dream, for this Marine who wears the color green.
Now that I'm old and my hair turned gray, old Dickie Do refuse to play.
Now he doesn't stand up straight any more, he hangs his head and looks at the floor.
Even though I wish he could, Dickie Do you did damn good.

GySgt Marvin Bush USMC retired
usmc4669

[usmc4669]

Marine Cpl Rodriquez was headed to the assemble area after just fighting his way back from the Frozen Chosen, he was dirty, cold, tired and hungry. A Four Star General from the Air Force stop him and ask, Marine How was it up there? Cpl Rodriquez gave a snappy salute and replied, a piece of cake sir.

[usmc4669]

Oh well I tried two times, guess I'll give up on this joke,
must be Sour Grapes.

[dep_baumy]

One time these two Marines decided to go golfing. The first one sliced his ball into the rough and the second hooked his awfully. They were both pretty far away from the hole and very upset, each went their own way where they found their ball lying in thick flowers,grass, branches ect.... So out of anger they both started wacking away and tearing up the place trying to get their ball out. After 5 minutes of this mother nature go upset and came up to one of the Marines and said " you evil man, look at how you are taking out all of that anger on these poor buttercups, I will punish you for this, you can have no more butter for a year!" All of a sudden the Marine busted out laughing, this prompted mother nature to ask "why are you laughing, this is a serious matter" and he said "yes I know and i'm sorry, but I just feel bad for that poor sucker over there demolishing the pussywillows!"

[dep_baumy]

There was a Sailor and a Marine that found a genie and the genie said "I will grant you both 3 wishes" The Sailor says "I wish that all the people in this town were girls except me" the genie grants his wish. The Marine wishes for a motorcycle helmet and the Sailor says what a sorry wish, I wish that all of the other people on the continent were girls. The genie grants these wishes. The Marine then wished for a motorcycle. The Sailor said another stupid wish, I wish all of the people on earth were girls. The genie grants these wishes. The Marine whispered the last wish in the genies ear and rode off on his motorcycle. The genie granted it and the Sailor said why do i feel so weird, what did that Marine wish for. The genie laughed and said "He wished that you were gay

[dep_baumy]

Why was Bill Clinton so reluctant to send
Elian G. to Cuba?

Because the last time Bill decided to put
a Cuban somewhere, he was almost impeached.

[Phantom Blooper]

A Sgt.Major of Marines retired after 30 years of service to his country. He was not married except to the Corps,hence he was lonely in his retirement years.So he decided to take some of his savings and buy a chicken farm. He had white chickens,black chickens,red chickens and brown chickens. It was allot of work but the Sgt.Major was still lonely.Not quite ready to bring a woman unto his watch,he decided to buy a parrot to keep him company. He taught the parrot everything about his beloved Corps. He taught him how to talk,and the UCMJ,General Orders,Close Order Drill,Customs & Courtesies,Uniform Regulations....the list was endless.The Sgt.Major was running low on supplies and had to go into town.He told the parrot that he would be gone a couple hours and that the parrot was on guard duty until his return.The parrot saluted and said'" Aye,Aye Sgt. Major." Well,the Sgt. Major left to go get supplies,and upon his return he found his farm yard scattered with dead chickens.But he only saw the black chickens,white chickens and red chickens. This was puzzling to him and he went to the chicken coop and saw his parrot choking the chickens and throwing them into the barnyard saying,"When I say fall out in khakis,I mean fall out in F**king khakis."

[mucho]

HAHAHAHA!!! that was great Phantom blooper!

[mucho]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[dep_baumy]

Once apon a time.........there was a Marine and his wife who had a kid oh say about 5 years old. The kid was ready for pre-school and to start socializing with other kids. The Marine sat his kid down the day before pre-school and said "son, your going to be a kid from now on, no more saying wa-wa, its water, no more ma-ma, its mom, you need to talk like a big kid now" and with that the Marine took his kid to school. A few hours later he gets a phone call and its his sons teacher. She said "excuse me sir, theres a little problem with your son here" The Marine was a little baffled and said well whats the matter. The teacher then responded "well sir, I asked him what he wanted to read and he said "Winnie the sh!t".

[UsMarine_4_life]

hmmmm a Marine took his New female Blind Date and sat her down and order food and after 10 mins he said look i can kill you in 2 seconds with my bare hands












Live by the Marines ....Die by the Marines....

[UsMarine_4_life]

A little boy walks into a public restroom where a marine is taking a ****. He says to the marine: "Sir, are you a real marine?" Yeah,", the guy replied, " Would you like to wear my hat?" "Yes, please!", says the boy. So he puts on the marine's hat. A sailor walks in. The boy says, "Sir are you a real sailor?" "Yeah, ", says the sailor " would you like to suck my dick?" The boy thinks about it for a minute and replies "No, I'm not a real marine, I'm just wearing his hat!"

[UsMarine_4_life]

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

[dep_baumy]

mmm a Marine took his New female Blind Date and sat her down and order food and after 10 mins he said look i can kill you in 2 seconds with my bare hands



Sounds like something the Gunny up here would do :D !

[mucho]

The "old" and "new" Marine Corps...

There has been a considerable amount of speculation and lots
of time spent attempting to determine exactly when the "Old
Corps" ended and the "New Corps" began. I shall endeavor to
end the speculations, innuendos and rumors for all time.

After extensive research, which included trips to the National
Archives, the Marine Corps Historical Center at the Washington
Navy Yard in Washington, DC, and many hours spent on the website
of the United States Marine Corps, History & Museums Division
(a great site located at:
http://hqinet001.hqmc.usmc.mil/HD/Home_Page.htm),
I finally discovered the answer.

No. It was most certainly not when “the crucible” began in boot
camp. It was not when the Eagle, Globe & Anchor emblem switched
from the double “banner” in the eagle’s beak to the one “banner”
design of today. Nor was it when young Marines in Korea were
being led by salty WW II vets. Alas, it also was not the switch
from the M-1903 Springfield to the M-1 Garand nor even the switch
from the boarding cutlass to the Mameluke sword for.

Here is the coveted answer:

In 1775, as you all know, the Marine Corps was formed at
Tun Tavern in Philadelphia.

In the beginning they announced that any new recruit would
get a free tankard of rum.

Unfortunately, they didn't get as many recruits as they wanted,
so they announced that from now on, all recruits would get
TWO tankards of rum.

A Marine in the back ranks yelled,
"We didn't have it that good in the Old Corps!"