firstsgtmike
01-06-04, 02:19 PM
Will Trade Atom Bomb for Toilet Paper, Lifetime Supply of Hennessy & Spaghetti-Os
BY HOWARD Q. KORNGOLD Updated January 6 2004
Pyongyang, North Korea – North Korea shocked the world today by announcing that it would freely hand over its entire nuclear weapons arsenal, on the sole condition that the United States provide North Korea with badly-needed essentials, including Charmin toilet paper and a lifetime supply of cognac and Spaghetti-Os.
“The Glorious Leader has been wiping his ass with sandpaper and tree bark for the past twenty years,” said Brian Minnehan, the Jame Donath Professor of North Korean Studies at Yale University. “This is why he’s traditionally been so irritable.”
National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice said that the proposal “seemed fair,” but noted that the Spaghetti-Os request could bump up against a Clinton-era treaty with France which banned the proliferation of certain canned foods, including Spaghetti-Os.
“Spaghetti-Os, Beefaroni, Rice-a-Roni, anything by Little Debbie – these are all weapons of culinary destruction ,” said French President Jacques Chirac. “We will not stand by and watch as the ugly Americans defile the world with this nouritture de chien.”
Kim Jong Il, however, said that the inclusion of Spaghetti-Os was a deal breaker for him. “I have made no secret of my affinity for Hennessy,” said the tiny dictator of his $800,000 annual habit. “But I also enjoy a couple cans of Spaghetti-Os before bed. On this I will not budge.”
Chirac, who refused to move from his stance, said that France would be willing to supply Jong Il with baguettes and brie, but couldn’t make good on the toilet paper request. “The French do not bathe,” he said. “why would we have toilet paper?”
The Rash Report Copyright 2003
BY HOWARD Q. KORNGOLD Updated January 6 2004
Pyongyang, North Korea – North Korea shocked the world today by announcing that it would freely hand over its entire nuclear weapons arsenal, on the sole condition that the United States provide North Korea with badly-needed essentials, including Charmin toilet paper and a lifetime supply of cognac and Spaghetti-Os.
“The Glorious Leader has been wiping his ass with sandpaper and tree bark for the past twenty years,” said Brian Minnehan, the Jame Donath Professor of North Korean Studies at Yale University. “This is why he’s traditionally been so irritable.”
National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice said that the proposal “seemed fair,” but noted that the Spaghetti-Os request could bump up against a Clinton-era treaty with France which banned the proliferation of certain canned foods, including Spaghetti-Os.
“Spaghetti-Os, Beefaroni, Rice-a-Roni, anything by Little Debbie – these are all weapons of culinary destruction ,” said French President Jacques Chirac. “We will not stand by and watch as the ugly Americans defile the world with this nouritture de chien.”
Kim Jong Il, however, said that the inclusion of Spaghetti-Os was a deal breaker for him. “I have made no secret of my affinity for Hennessy,” said the tiny dictator of his $800,000 annual habit. “But I also enjoy a couple cans of Spaghetti-Os before bed. On this I will not budge.”
Chirac, who refused to move from his stance, said that France would be willing to supply Jong Il with baguettes and brie, but couldn’t make good on the toilet paper request. “The French do not bathe,” he said. “why would we have toilet paper?”
The Rash Report Copyright 2003