There have been dozens of op-eds and blogs circulating recently in response to Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In, and I've been devouring them in my limited free time. As a member of one of the key demographics her book targets -- a working woman with small children -- that means I've peered at many of them on the tiny screen of my smartphone in spare moments on the train or while my kids nap. The cross-talk about structural changes is, of course, valuable as we lobby for necessary systemic shifts.
While reading all the opinions, I realized that the Marine Corps already taught me how to lean in on a personal level. Serving in the military taught me a number of skills that have been essential to my success since I reentered the civilian world -- and contain valuable lessons for other women:
1. Presentation Matters
How you present yourself in the military is often governed by regulation: the wear of the uniform, acceptable haircuts or hairstyles, even authorized shades of eyeshadow or nail polish are laid out. Part of this is for uniformity -- but the degree to which you choose to obey the regulations in given circumstances and how much care you put into your appearance sends other signals as well. Showing up to a promotion board in a wrinkled uniform and unpolished boots would be noted unfavorably by those rating your readiness to rise in the ranks.
This carries over in the civilian world. Though dress codes are not laid out in regulation, the informal rules about appropriate attire can be just as important. People consider women wearing some -- but not too much -- makeup more competent. The evidence shows that women have plenty of experience listening to "mansplaining": research has shown that men tend to lecture women even when women have more expertise on a given topic. The unfortunate habit of ending sentences on a questioning 'up-note' may add to that by making some women sound unsure of themselves. Posture is another key part of self-presentation: I can often recognize my fellow veterans by that alone. Those who have served in the military tend to stand up straight. When we lean in, it is not with slumped shoulders. And it matters: not only are others more likely to respect those with expansive posture, it also makes you feel more powerful and be more likely to take action.
2. Emotional Intelligence
We probably all know people, either at work or in our personal lives, who are really good listeners. No matter what kind of situation we're in, they always seem to know just what to say – and how to say it – so that we're not offended or upset. They're caring and considerate, and even if we don't find a solution to our problem, we usually leave feeling more hopeful and optimistic.
We probably also know people who are masters at managing their emotions. They don't get angry in stressful situations. Instead, they have the ability to look at a problem and calmly find a solution. They're excellent decision makers, and they know when to trust their intuition. Regardless of their strengths, however, they're usually willing to look at themselves honestly. They take criticism well, and they know when to use it to improve their performance.
People like this have a high degree of emotional intelligence, or EI. They know themselves very well, and they're also able to sense the emotional needs of others.
3. Prioritization, Planning and Decisiveness.
When I was in Iraq, I was promoted to sergeant and put in charge of a team. As the team lead, I was responsible for accomplishing missions while also ensuring my team had all necessary equipment and supplies. We had a limited amount of space to carry our technical equipment, food, water, clothing and other personal supplies, weapons, fuel and more. As the leader, you can solicit input -- but when it comes down to the moment, you must be decisive -- and possibly ruthless in choosing priorities. The military teaches a process called "backwards planning" that is inherently logical: You take the desired end state and figure out what interim tasks need to be accomplished in order for that to be reached. I use this constantly both at work and at home: If a report is due on the last day of March, I sit down and count out exactly how many days it takes to go through the publications process and review to determine when a final draft must be complete, count back from there to determine when a rough draft is due, and so forth.
My husband and I both have full-time jobs, and we have one toddler, a teenager and college student. Each day is a careful dance: if we leave the house fifteen minutes late, worsening traffic means we'll actually be half an hour late to work. We've decided to prioritize eating home-cooked dinners together as a family, and making that happen requires careful menu planning, grocery shopping, timing and communication. Personally and professionally, I constantly rank priorities, backwards plan to accomplish goals and make swift decisions when necessary. Too many people hem and haw on decisions until it is too late and their preferred option is no longer available or are unable to backwards plan and end up delivering projects late; managers seem to genuinely believe they can tell subordinates that "everything is top priority."
4. Perspective
Whenever things get tough, I count my blessings. The same thing happens when I give interviews or public speeches; people are surprised that I am calm. "What's the worst possible outcome?" I ask, then answer: "I'd be temporarily embarrassed if I say something stupid. No one is shooting at me." That sense of perspective may be the most important lesson I brought back from Iraq: if no one is going to die, it probably isn't worth a high degree of panic.
A lot of people in our industry haven't had very diverse experiences. So they don't have enough dots to connect, and they end up with very linear solutions without a broad perspective on the problem. The broader one's understanding of the human experience, the better design we will have. –Steve Jobs
5. Strength
I didn't know if I could make it in the military when I enlisted. The Marine Corps invests a great deal of resources training troops -- by the time we went to war, in addition to training on how to speak Arabic and do my job, I'd spent hours drilling on how to use my weapon, work with my team, perform first aid and more, not to mention the daily physical fitness training. After years of vaguely feeling that my body was just something men looked at, it was something of a surprise for me to learn that with practice, it could run 7 miles, carry a 65-lb rucksack 12 miles in under 4 hours, and more. (After my son was born, I had a similarly-startling realization that my breasts are not just ornamental, they can make food for another human being.)
When I was volunteered to become a lioness(women’s tactical search team) and provide security and aid for Iraqi Women’s Engagement missions, each day was uncertain. It was important that I performed at the same level of my infantry counterparts. In the end of that deployment, I must have demonstrated my abilities well because I was asked to train all women coming into Iraq to brief them on my experiences and success.
Today, that knowledge of my own strength and competence stays with me like a talisman. It gives me pride and confidence to know that if I see a car accident on the way home, I can stop and provide emergency first aid until professional assistance arrives -- I won't faint or panic at the sight of blood or gore. When things are rough, I tell myself, "If I could handle a tow tours in Iraq, I can handle this." I'm not special --but humans are tough. Numerous studies have shown that women underestimate their abilities. Find ways to recognize your own strength.
The military is not right for everyone, and it can be a tremendously difficult place for women. Women in the military face promotion gaps at some ranks in some services, are less likely to reenlist and disproportionately face sexual harassment and assault. But military women get equal pay for equal work: base pay is calculated from time in grade and time in service. We also have access to the same health care, family support and education benefits that have made military service attractive to so many.
The internal benefits, however, have been most important to me. My time in the military taught me how to present myself effectively; control my emotions; prioritize, plan and be decisive; maintain perspective; and know my strength. Some women may gain those abilities in other settings, but college and work alone had not developed them in me. These skills have been both professionally and personally valuable: today, I'm a published author and recognized advocate who balances full-time work, motherhood and an active public role. The Marine Corps taught me to lean in -- and to stand up straight and use my command voice while I do. I'm grateful.
by Kayla Williams/Jenna Lombardo
Follow Kayla Williams on Twitter: www.twitter.com/kwilliams101
